I woke to that familiar rotten taste in my mouth, splitting headache and disgruntled stomach that said ‘You have eaten someone you should not have.’
The reason for my state came to mind quickly. As I opened my eyes, I resolved yet again to never get buzzed again.
Pink.
No, I cannot deal with that in this state.
“Come any closer, and I will squish you like a bug,” I threatened.
“I keep telling you, I understand,” Pinkie Pie pouted.
I growled in response.
I was in too much pain to do more than notice in passing that her voice was calm and quiet.
“Well, I’ll leave this hangover cure here in case you decide to be reasonable. I even got Zecora’s help to adjust it to dragon biology,” She said, placing a keg down and walking away. She turned back just before leaving the courtyard and added “It’s best if you drink it slowly.”
Dragging myself over to the gift, I drank it as slowly as I could. I was expecting the normal disgusting taste of all the other potions I have tasted over the decades and was pleasantly surprised by the mild, sweet taste.
As it slipped down my throat, the coolness made its way to my head and stomach, easing the pain and spreading a general sense of well-being.
I looked around at the devastated courtyard and made a mental note to offer payment as I flew off to a nearby pond to clean myself up.
Nurse Redheart woke me up and told me Tallic was outside. She hitched me up to that special cart again. I tried to tell her I was too tired, but she insisted I needed to get some fresh air and exercise.
“It’s time we started getting those muscles working again,” She said “You’ve been in bed unable to use them for two days and last night barely counted. If they don’t get used soon, they’ll think they’re not needed anymore.”
“I know how muscles atrophy,” I replied, sounding ruder than I liked.
I tried to get myself motivated to see him, but couldn’t.
I lifted each leg in turn as she slipped on the harness. Why bother?
As she helped me into my chestplate I felt like I should feel happiness and gratitude, but all I felt was emptiness. There was still that humming, but it just didn’t comfort me like it should.
After everything was set, she led me outside where Tallic was waiting.
I tried to smile.
I really should feel happy to see him.
Why bother? It’s not like Miss Sweetheart will ever let him adopt me.
As I trudged over, he closed the distance and nuzzled me gently.
“Hi Tallic,” I forced out, failing to make myself sound happy.
We talked for a bit. Well, actually, he talked to me a bit.
“Steelskin, please look me in the eyes.”
I dragged my eyes up to meet his.
After getting myself cleaned up, I landed by the window to Steelskin’s room and looked in to see him curled up in bed.
“Mr Tallic.” I turned to see Nurse Redheart standing in front of me, bravely swallowing her fear. “I assume you are here to see Steelskin? Doctor Pulse has decided after last night that he's ready to start exercising, so, if you would be kind enough to wait here, I will go get him. It will take a minute to get him harnessed into his walking wheels.”
I settled down to wait and listened as he was woken up and harnessed to his mobility device. His voice sounded hollow, and that made me nervous.
I have heard that tone before.
As he wheeled himself out, my fears gained a deeper hold. His eyes kept falling to the ground and it seemed like an effort to meet my gaze.
“Hello, little Steel,” I said as I nuzzled him like a hatchling.
“Hi Tallic,” He responded emptily.
“I have some good news for you, little one. Twilight Sparkle delivered the paperwork for me to become your big brother yesterday.”
“That’s good,” He said, forcing a smile to his face and looking up briefly.
My heart froze as I caught a glimpse of my worst nightmare. The next thing I did was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
“Steelskin, please look me in the eyes,” I said, offering a prayer to Aethelind that I was wrong.
I was not wrong.
I stared at The Emptiness in his eyes and my heart shattered like the cobblestone that was just in my claws. After a while, I calmed myself so as to not mar his last years any more than they had already been.
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine.”
“Masks are for others, not for us. I ask again, how are you?”
“I dunno, I’m just tired and I wanna go back to bed.” His voice dropped down to a whisper as he added “...forever...” At this, his eyes filled with tears.
I could not bear seeing him like this anymore.
“Then go back to bed, I shall see you in a few hours, and hopefully we can do something together then.”
Nurse Redheart looked at me with a disapproving sniff and helped him back inside as I took off towards my mountain.
Kill
Smash
Crush
I needed something more durable than a manticore this time. If I were home, I would find another dragon and pick a fight. Sadly, that did not seem to be an option here.
As I reached the base of my mountain, I saw some boulders and decided I would start there and let myself give into the red hot rage that filled my broken heart and I savored both the destruction I was causing as well as the pain of my claws, tail, and various muscles as I pushed everything to my limit.
~~~
The haze of battle cleared and I found myself having not only crushed every boulder in the vicinity to gravell, but also put a serious dent into the mountain itself. As I exited the partially formed cave, I saw two ponies stepping forward. One was Big Mac, the other was a blue unicorn mare with a silver mane. She was pressed up against him in fear and I could only assume they were paired. I could also smell human, but was pretty sure it was Alex, so I decided to ignore it.
“I heard ya scream and decided to check on ya. Feel like talkin?” Mac said in lieu of a greeting.
“Steelskin is dying.” I smashed my claw into the ground, forming a small crater.
“I thought he was healing better than could be hoped?” The mare’s expression was one of concern. “Oh, and my name is Beatrix Lulamoon,” She said with a nervous bow.
“Wounds of the flesh heal, diseases of the flesh can be cured, but there is no victory against The Emptiness.”
“The emptiness?” Beatrix looked at me with apprehension.
Yet again, I settled my emotions and started explaining.
“It is the chief killer of my kind. We have little understanding of it, for it is not something we can examine.” I took another calming breath, mustering the courage to continue. “Every so often, a perfectly healthy dragon will just start losing his strength of will. They will sit on their horde and waste away physically through lack of food.”
My thoughts were drawn to the memory of Steelskin in that hospital bed.
“I did not know other creatures could get The Emptiness. Now I will have to watch Steelskin lose all will to exist... I... I have even seen a dragon watch impassively as humans carried away his treasure from beneath him.” As the memories came back, the ache in my chest grew worse.
I closed my eyes and laid myself on the ground, crushed by the weight of what was to come.
“It’s not so hopeless as ya think, Tallic.” His reassurance was accompanied by a hoof on my neck. “Little Steelskin sounds to be sufferin’ from a nasty bout a’ depression, prob’ly some Induced Trauma Syndrome.”
“What?” I asked incredulously.
“Depression. Ponies who go through serious trauma can fall into despair. It’s something many of us have suffered,” He explained slowly.
I opened my eyes, hoping against hope that he was correct. “So you are saying that it is normal for ponies to lose their strength of will? Are you also saying that they can recover?”
“Not normal, but yes, treatable. In fact, I had a bout of it when Ma and Pa died. Started takin’ salt too much and too young.” He looked down embarrassedly. “Occasionally, I still end up takin’ a bit too much.”
“How can we initiate treatment? Whom do we notify of his condition?” I was not yet willing to let myself believe they were right, but I would claim any hope presented.
“Well, they prob’ly know already, but it’d be wise to get it nipped in the bud now rather than let it fester, so let’s find out how bad it is.” Mac gave me a gentle smile.
“Would you two like a ride? I wish to get him help as soon as possible, and you would be more apt to explain it so they can understand.”
They replied by hopping onto my back.
“You think we should give Alex a ride home?” Beatrix motioned to the treeline.
Alex stepped out of his cover. "Uh... I'll pass. Not of a friend of heights, and I think it's more important that you get there for him. Take it from me, loved ones help depression, and that kid loves you."
I lay in bed, crying into my pillow and clutching what was left of that first scale. I looked over at the pile of books Twilight brought for me. I grabbed the top one and dutifully opened it up.
Words.
Disjointed words.
I understood what the words meant, but couldn’t string them together in any meaning.
I dropped the book to the floor, feeling ashamed for treating somepony else’s property that way, but I couldn’t bring myself to care more than condemning myself for it. I broke into a fresh bout of sobbing at that.
A hoof touched my shoulder.
“Go away.”
“Please, Steelskin, turn around so we can talk,” A familiar voice quietly requested.
“Just leave me alone.” I tried to sound angry, but all I could manage was a flat mumble.
“Okay, if you don’t want to talk, that’s okay, but turn around. It’s not good to be alone how you are now.” The voice became firm, but wasn’t any louder.
I sighed loudly and turned around to see a donkey. Specifically, the donkey therapist I met during my previous hospital stay. She took a wet washcloth and wiped down my face.
“Let’s go for a walk,” she said.
I knew I wasn’t getting out of this, so I allowed myself to be hitched back up to that stupid walker.
“So you’ve been really busy this week, I’ve heard,” She said as she smiled at me.
After a bit of walking, I found myself at Fluttershy’s cottage. She sat there with all her animals, obviously ready to greet me, but as I got close, they all scattered.
“Now, now. Steelskin is a friend, please come and say hi,” She whispered to her animals
“No he’s not a dragon. He just smells like one because one of his friends is a dragon.” Fluttershy was starting to get anxious as they refused to have anything to do with me.
I would’ve just lay down in the grass, but with this stupid bucking cart strapped to my flank, all I could do was hang my head and brush my nose against the grass. I’m not really sure how long I sat like that, but after a while, I heard Miss Introspective’s voice.
“I-is that a popping cat?” Nervousness filled her voice.
“Oh, don’t worry, Dino is quite tame.”
I looked up to see a cat like creature with tentacles coming out of its back. Miss Introspective was cowering away in fear and pawing the ground nervously as she saw it advancing on me.
“D-Dino? You gave it a name?”
“Yes, of course he has a name. He belongs to Alex. I’m just watching him for the day,” Fluttershy responded.
Dino took that moment to pounce. He landed right on my back, then suddenly teleported right in front of me. Miss Introspective let out a scream and fainted.
For the first time that morning, I smiled an honest smile. I reached out a hoof and he nuzzled it with his nose and wrapped his tentacles around my foreleg.
I can only assume Fluttershy woke up Miss Introspective while I was engrossed with the popping kitten.
“Yes, Fluttershy, I think it would be good to get him out of the harness so he can sit down and cuddle with the... popping cat,” Miss Introspective said with a strained voice.
We arrived at the hospital with surprisingly little screaming from Beatrix. Mac, on the other claw, was silent and as still as a statue throughtout the flight and for quite a few moments afterwards.
Nurse Redheart greeted us at the door and was about to say something when I cut her off.
“Steelskin needs treatment for something called ‘depression’,” I stated in as calm a voice as I could.
It is official. This reality is draining my intelligence.
I realized how stupid I looked even before her hoof contacted her face.
“What I was about to tell you was that he’s taking a walk with his therapist down to Fluttershy’s cottage.’ She paused for a moment before changing to an accusatory voice. “I called for her when you allowed him to go back to bed instead of helping him get the exercise he needs.”
“Calm down a mite, Nurse Redheart,” Big Mac interrupted. “Tallic here’s never heard of depression or ITS.”
It took me a good half second to recognize ITS as induced trauma syndrome, which only increased my embarrassment.
I noticed Rainbow Dash land at the edge of the courtyard, carrying Alex in her forelegs. “You need to lose weight,” she said, needling him.
“Oh. My apologies. Doctor Introspective decided that he could use the comfort of animals to calm him down enough to open up a little more,” Nurse Redheart said understandingly.
“So, this ‘depression’ is a lack of willpower? How do you go about treating it? I have heard of gems of strength and speed. I have even heard of gems of courage. Is there a gem of will?” I quickly recognized the answer as they looked at me sideways.
“It's not that simple. Lack of will is only a symptom. The whole thing is very complex,” Alex butted into our conversation.
“Maybe we should have Spike read him some books about depression,” Twilight commented, trotting into the courtyard with several other ponies.
Miss Sweetheart was lying on her bed when she heard a bunch of humans coming into her house.
“Okay, you guys know the drill. Herb, you take the left. Joey, you take the right. Try to circle around it while I get its attention.
Miss Sweetheart watched as they came into view in the mouth of her cave. Three humans in plate armor and wielding spears.
“Die, foul beast, your reign of terror ends here!” The middle one raised his sword as he stepped forward..
“What have I done? I have attacked no one and eaten no one’s herds,” Miss Sweetheart heard herself saying in a deep growl.
“You’re a dragon, if you haven’t, it’s only because you’re not hungry yet,” He replied.
~~~
Miss Sweetheart was winging her way across a forest when she heard a child crying. She landed near him and carefully walked over. When he noticed her, he gave a frightened yelp. She felt a compassion other than her own.
Luna looked at her pointedly before being swept away just before Miss Sweetheart woke up.