Weekend Rear Ends
"Ah told yah, Ah don' sleep walk!"
"Well something made that hole and you kicking the wall in your sleep makes a lot more sense than Sweetie Belle's alien."
"I'm telling you the truth!" the Unicorn shrieked. "I saw it last night! It was big and black and weird looking and all shadowy..."
"Like a shadow?" said a sarcastic Scootaloo.
"Yeah, like a shadow, but it wasn't!"
"Now what are yah three yammerin' 'bout now?" Applejack asked as she approached the arguing fillies. Before any of the three could respond, the farmer's attention was already drawn to the clubhouse wall. "What in...how...why is there a giant hole in mah clubhouse?"
"Your clubhouse?" questioned her little sis.
"Mah old clubhouse," Applejack amended. She got closer and ran a hoof along the jagged, splintering edge. "How'd this get here? What did you three do?"
"It was the alien!"
"Apple Bloom kicked it in her sleep!"
"We don' know!"
"Hold on," Applejack said, tearing her eyes away from the hole. She turned her head and scanned the area. "Hey, aren't yah missing one? Where's Ash?"
*****
"This is quite a surprise. What's this before my eyes?"
"Good morning, Zecora," Ash said, forcing a smile. "Could you give me a hand? I tripped on some flowers. I think they were poisonous."
"Poison flowers you say?" The zebra cautiously approached. "Would you know their color by the way?"
"Blue, I think. With red stems."
"Ah."
*****
"It was big and black and all shadowy..."
"Are yah sure yah didn' jus' see a shadow?" Applejack asked. "Maybe yah jus' saw Ash leaving."
Sweetie Belle shook her head furiously. "It didn't look like any pony at all. It was too big and too tall." She shivered. "I think it saw me, then it ran through wall and made the hole."
"It didn't happen to be standin' on two legs did it?"
"Dunno. It was too dark. Why?"
"N-no reason. No reason whatsoever."
"Why didn't you wake us up?" demanded Scootaloo. "We could have totally been Cutie Mark Extraterrestrial Extractors!"
"I was tired and you two were snoring so loudly, so I went back to sleep. What? What?"
"Yah just...went back to sleep," Apple Bloom said steadily. "Just like that."
"After seeing an alien," the older Apple sister added.
"I don't snore," grumbled Scootaloo. "Pegasi don't snore."
"I was tired," Sweetie answered defensively. "I wasn't thinking straight."
"So what makes you so sure there was something in the clubhouse last night?" Scootaloo challenged. Apple Bloom nodded in agreement.
"Well...I...I...but..."
"That's enough, y'all," Applejack stepped in as the young white Unicorn began to sputter. "Whatever happened happened. All we c'n do now is patch tha darn thing up. Ah knew Ah forgot somethin'."
"What was that, sis?"
"Nothin', nothin'," the orange mare said quickly, shaking her head to hide her shifting eyes. "W-why don' yah three head inside for breakfast?"
"We can't just go eat without Ash," Sweetie Belle suddenly said. "He might have been abducted!"
"She's right," Apple Bloom piped in. "Ah mean, besides the abductin' part," she added as Scootaloo gave her a look of utter disbelief. "It don' seem right chowin' down when everypony's not sittin' down together. Ah think we should find Ash first. That's the Crusader way, after all."
"Ah made apple short bread."
Applejack barely caught onto her hat as the gust of wind trailing behind her younger sister threatened to steal it. The other fillies followed shortly behind, leaving the farm mare in the dirt. Dusting herself off, Applejack sighed.
"Let's see, tha hole's on this side so Ash must've ran that way." Applejack scratched her head. "Now who do Ah know lives in that direction?"
*****
"Oh, I'm sorry, Zecora. Is the tea too hot?"
The zebra shook her head. "Fluttershy, the heat is just fine. I suppose I'm not used to taking tea with lime."
"Um, it's lemon..." The Pegasus turned to her other guest. "Is there anything else I can get you?"
Ash shook his head, "I'll be fine, thank you," he said, taking a sip of his tea. There definitely was more than just a hint of citrus. Ash hoped he didn't look as sour as his tongue felt.
"A-are you sure you wouldn't like some honey?"
"YES! I mean..." Ash cleared his throat. "Just a bit, thank you."
Taking her guest's cup, Fluttershy added a generous glop of sweet honey before turning to her other visitor. "Would you like some too Zecora?"
Zecora shook her head. "Please do not trouble yourself. The last thing I want is to empty your shelf."
As she settled down and tended to her own tea, Fluttershy caught herself staring. It wasn't polite or proper for a hostess to stare, Fluttershy chided herself with a blush, but she stared regardless. There was something different about Ash today, something, well...different.
"Um..."
"Is something wrong?" Ash asked, his eyes raised toward hers, an eyebrow cocked.
The Pegasus bit back a surprised squeak. "N-no, nothing. It's just, well, how do I say...um..."
It was Zecora that came to her rescue. "If you are noting how his appearance seems weird and queer, we have a patch of Poison Joke to blame, my dear," she explained, hiding a grimace as she took another sip.
"Oh," Fluttershy said and nodded in understanding. Yes, that could explain why Ash was a Human waist up and had the lower body of an equine. Or at least, she assumed it was equine. The legs were much longer and thinner than any pony's she had seen and the barrel was wider. It was brown, the same brown of Ash's eyes she would later note, and the color and size reminded Fluttershy of an actual barrel, like the ones used at Sweet Apple Acres to store cider. The three had quite a time getting him out of the open and into her cottage.
"I know you are experienced with the Poison Joke blight," the striped alchemist continued, "as well as the cure to make it all right. However I do not have enough supplies for my brew, which is why I must go into town and we have come to you. Ash cannot stay in my home in the Everfree as you are aware of how dangerous it can be."
"I'd hate to be a bother-"
"-but right now we can go to no other. Ash, for his reasons, refuses to be seen in Human form in any degree..."
"We've gone over this," Ash growled.
"...and I continue to disagree," Zecora said, shaking her head. "If you would be so kind, if you wouldn't mind, could he stay here while I fix this bind. It won't be long, all I need..."
Fluttwrshy nodded, her thoughts elsewhere. It was rude to stare but her eyes continued to drift down to Ash's lower half.
"...and a root bright orange," Zecora finished, lifting her teacup to her lips. "Fluttershy, is everything alright? You look as if you've seen quite a sight."
"Well, unless centaurs are common in Equestria, I suppose I am one," Ash said with a nervous chuckle.
Fluttershy gasped. "Oh no. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have been staring, I shouldn't be staring, I really shouldn't. It's just so fascinating."
The other eyebrow rose. "Fascinating?"
The yellow Pegasus nodded. "Oh yes. I've never seen anything like this. I mean, I had never seen a Human before but this is something else. Can you imagine if ponies had developed hands instead of having magic, how different the world would be? Or having six limbs instead of four?" She placed a hoof on her cheek. "You mentioned centaurs, what are those?"
"Uh, creatures of legend. Some sort of hybrid between horse and Human."
"Hmm...so then are Human reproductive organs similar to ponies?"
"What was that?" Ash managed to say over Zecora's strangled coughs.
"Well, you said hybrid, so..." Fluttershy ducked her head and blushed.
"I-I didn't mean..." Ash sputtered, his face growing red as well. "N-no, that's...what? I...no!"
"I'm so sorry," Fluttershy apologized quickly. "It's just that learning about new animals is so amazing and sometimes I don't think when I get excited...n-not that I was calling you an animal or thinking about you m-m-mating or-"
The rest of Fluttershy's sentence was hidden by the sound of shattering porcelain, followed by a pained gasp. Ash grabbed his hand, instinctively applying pressure while foolishly driving bits of china deeper into the flesh.
Instantly Fluttershy was at his side. She wrenched the Mage's fingers away and examined the wound with a practiced eye over his protests. Ash's apologizes regarding the cup went unnoticed as the little yellow Pegasus nearly overturned the table as she searched for the first aid kit she kept underneath. The decorative teapot fell to the floor, breaking into dozens of tea soaked pieces.
"Does it hurt?"
"N-no, not really-gah!"
"Oh no. I'm so sorry. We need to get the pieces out first. I should have warned you."
"It's alright, just let me-ow!"
As the flurry of bandages and cries of concern grew, no one noticed Zecora set her cup carefully down on the table with a shake of her head and an amused smile. By the time Ash's powerful hind legs had kicked the table over and crushed her cup, the zebra was already gone.
*****
To this very day Twilight turns pink at the very mention of what ponies called the Smarty Pants Incident, Lesson Zero, and by at least one young dragon The Day Spike Saved the Day from a Crazed Twilight. Much to the Unicorn's embarrassment, much of the town saw Twilight to be their most high-strung overreacting inhabitant, an impressive feat considering that Rarity and a certain trio of flower traders also called Ponyville home. Thankfully, most of the drama revolving the incident died down along with what charm her title had and soon the event became nothing more than a hilarious anecdote.
Thus when Twilight entered Ponyville proper with a series of blinding lights and mane looking like a badger's nest, the townsfolk simply nodded their heads, locked their doors, and prayed that their savior Spike would come and rescue them soon. Some would check their calendar and scratch their heads, noting that it was indeed still Saturday. Odd, Tuesday wouldn't be for another three days unless...ah, yes, time travel. That would explain everything.
"Twi...light...wait..." Spike leaned forward, grabbing onto his knees as he tried to catch his friend and his breath.
"Oh, where is he? Where in Equestria is he?" Twilight muttered, hopping side to side frantically.
The little purple dragon finally grabbed hold of the purple Unicorn. "Twilight, you need to calm down. So Ash didn't come home last night. Big deal, he's a grown up. I'm sure he can take care of himself."
"He's also a being from another universe that reverts back into a being from another universe every morning," Twilight reminded. "What if somepony sees him? What if the town starts panicking and then they learned we were harboring him and then they'll think we're alien spies sent from alien invaders and then they learn that the Princesses also know about him and then everypony thinks that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are also aliens and then try to revolt and then try to establish a socialistic democratic utopia that devolves and collapses, leading to a traumatic war that wipes out ponykind and-ow! Spike, what are you doing?"
"Sorry, just checking for zippers," Spike said, giving Twilight a pat on the side as he confirmed that it was indeed his guardian and not Pinkie Pie in a suit. "Yeah, I might be going out on a limb but I think you're overreacting a bit." He brush a stray strand of hair out of Twilight's eyes. "Give Ponyville some credit. They've seen Ash already, remember? And all that happened was that stupid-"
"Spike!"
"-silly article being published in that one magazine nopony really reads. I'm sure he's doing just fine."
Twilight sighed. "I guess you're right. Maybe I did overreact. I'm just, well, worried. I mean, what if something really bad happened to him? What he got into a fight? Or what if he got caught in the wrong crowd? What if he got arrested for something he didn't realize because we didn't bother to explain Equestrian law?"
"Twilight, you're doing it again."
"What if he got lost on the way home and ended in the Everfree Forest? Or what if he ran into trouble in the seedier side of town-"
"Seeds? You mean like Sweet Apple Acres? We could just ask Applejack." Spike waved his arm and jumped.
"Applejack?" Twilight turned in the direction of Spike's waving and saw the familiar mare running toward her.
"Twi, thank goodness Ah found yah," she said as soon she was in speaking distance. "Oh, and uh, hey Spike."
"Wait, I need to ask something first."
"We don' have time fer questions!" Applejack cried, pulling Twilight with her. "Ash's in tha Everfree Forest?"
Twilight slipped out of the farm mare's grip. "What did you say?"
"Apple Bloom an' her friends were havin' a sleepover an' Ash ended up gettin' roped in." Applejack groaned, throwing her head upwards. "Ah totally forgot 'bout him trans-a-forming back into a Human. Ah reckon he ended up running toward the Everfree Forest while tryin' tah escape those three."
Twilight took a deep breath. "Okay, we'll go straight to Fluttershy's, see if she saw anything. Then it's straight to Zecora's hut. If Ash's in the forest, she's our best bet in finding him. Spike, I need you to round up Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Rarity. Get them up to speed and have them meet us at the edge of the forest."
"Roger!"
"And hurry! No distractions!" she added but Spike had already disappeared.
"C'mon, Twi, we gotta get a move on too." And with that, Applejack galloped off, with Twilight following a few steps behind.
As the two ponies sped out of town they failed to notice a certain zebra passing through.
Zecora looked around and sighed with mild annoyance. "Once again windows are barred and doors locked tight, could be some time 'fore Ash is made right."