“You’re late,” Pastel said as I trotted into sight.
Tell me something I don’t know. Shining Armour, the persistent bugger that he was, insisted I answer all of his questions about the incident. By the time he was satisfied, he had left me with only a few minutes to get back to the room, escorted by a guard who refused to move faster than a slow amble. He didn’t really seem to think too much or too little of me. In fact, he was rather neutral on the whole changeling business, as far as I could gather. I didn’t know what to make of that.
“Talk to Shining Armour about it,” I grumbled.
Pastel regarded me for a moment. Her eyes flickered to my shoulder and over the shallow magical burn. “I see,” she replied. She held out a hoof, offering me a black bowtie coupled with a white collar. “You know how to tie this?”
“No,” I admitted. I’d never had any sort of formal wear. The few times I had needed them, I had borrowed from my father.
She reached behind my neck, and began to tie the bow tie. “Have you figured out what you are going to say to Marmalade?”
“Not really,” I admitted.
“Of course you didn’t,” she sighed, taking a step back to admire her work. “How about this: what does Marmalade mean to you?”
“What does she mean to me?” I repeated. “What are you talking about?”
Pastel rolled her eyes. “Are you that clueless? Why do you feel that you should apologise to her?”
I gave it a moment’s thought. “Because I broke a promise.”
“So what?”
So what!? I stared at her dumbstruck. She called me clueless?
She smirked, amused at my expression. “If she was just a friend, surely a simple apology would do.”
“You think that would be enough?” I exclaimed, my mouth gaping open.
Pastel shrugged. “Sure. It might be take a while, but she’d come around.”
“Are you actually serio–”
“No!” Pastel shouted. “She obviously means so much to you. I had a feeling that if I told you the only way to fix this was to wrestle a manticore, you would do it.” I nodded without a moment’s hesitation. “She really is that important to you, isn’t she?”
Her words gave me pause. I had never given it much conscious thought, because I could never find the words for it. For the days I’ve known her, I’ve seen her as a good friend, but in my eyes the relationship had never crossed that final step in spite of what had happened. Meanwhile, Marmalade had her mind already made up, and my inability to decide had hurt her. Life has a funny way of letting me do things I should no I would regret. I realized now that she meant nothing less than the world to me. I should have realized this a long time ago – maybe then, we could have avoided this whole mess. There were few words that didn’t feel empty.
“I love her,” I admitted.
Pastel guided me to the door, expression softening and smiling warmly. “I think you’ll know what to say.”
Dread bloomed in my throat. “Wait! N – no, I’m –” But then the door opened and I could say no more. She gave me a push, before shutting the door behind me. Sighing, I turned around to see what awaited me.
Jaw, meet floor. Floor, meet jaw.
Marmalade’s snickers were quickly followed by outright laughter. Her merriment broke me from my stupor. I approached the table, holding as warm a smile as I could muster.
Pastel had done an astounding job. The ceiling had been lined with gently dipping ruby-red cloth, each layer done in a slightly different tone or shade as to offer depth. The table had been laid out with a black satin cloth, complete with gleaming silverware and crystal glasses. White napkins on even whiter fine china completed foodware. The room was lit by a few candles throughout the room and a pair resting at the center of the table.
But Lemon Marmalade herself, for lack of a better description, looked as if handcrafted by the masters. Her brilliant yellow mane gently tumbled down her back in loose curls, a few locks bordering one side of her face. Her light brown eyes were framed by a set of elegant eyelashes and set above cheeks lightly tinted with blush. Her coat gleamed with an almost cream-coloured glow, and was complemented with a sugary brown dress which cascaded over her shoulders.
With my simple bowtie, I felt naked.
“Do you gawk at all the pretty mares you meet?” Marmalade asked cheekily.
Though it warmed my heart to see her so playful, with the memory of her inn burning, it just... I don’t know, it just felt wrong. I could still feel the hurt oozing from her, hidden behind the mask of bravado.
“Only those as beautiful as you,” I answered, taking a seat. The complement stirred no life into her empty smile.
From there, neither of us had anything to say. We sat quiet, for a few moments, sneaking glances at one another while our eyes wandered. I knew I had to do this, and there was no way that this would or should be easy. I deserved every uncomfortable moment I was destined to receive.
“I’m sorry.” I had meant to say it confidently, but it came out as little more than a sigh and a whisper. “For everything.”
Marmalade said nothing, but the way she held herself told me to continue.
“I’ve been nothing less than an ass to you, and that’s even after all you’ve done for me. You’ve tried to help and I just brush you away after everything we’ve been through.” My next words died in my throat. I just couldn’t do it, not without the words seeming empty and hollow. I needed to go back to the start, however painful it might be, and start there.
“Ever since...” I faltered. The admission was difficult to make, but all my actions were evidence enough of the truth. Goring Celestia, fighting Shining Armour, almost any and everything I’ve done since that fateful night... “Ever since my parents died, I’ve been lashing out. I’ve been so selfish, that I don’t even care who it is or why I was.”
“I know, Amethyst,” Marmalade said.
Her words were a dismissal, not acceptance. “I knew this, but I still swore you an oath that I had no intention of keeping. I should have known I was going to, yet I didn’t even try to warn you. The way I treated Shining Armour... that wasn’t right.” He still was a jerk of the highest order. But how could I claim to be any different? “They had been away on their honeymoon, so how can I say that he is responsible for what happened? You trusted me to stay my tongue, and I made you look like a fool.
“It wasn’t right, what I put you through. I was the reason your inn burnt down – I didn’t think ahead. It’s my fault that your cousins are hurt, and now you have nowhere to go. Though the entire invasion and everything that has come of it wasn’t my fault, I was a damned idiot for not trying to fix it.” I slammed my hoof down on the table. The plates rattled and the silverware danced. “Hell, I’m making it worse! What a wonderful representative for my race I am! Yet, even then, you were kind and generous enough to give me your trust and love. You know how rare that is? It’s more valuable than any gift I’ve ever recieved, yet I treated it like a copper penny. I couldn’t have been more of an idiot.
“I’m... I’m sorry, Marmalade. I’m sorry about what I’ve put you through, truly. Not just that. Honestly, I’ve neglected to spend any time with you, even as I consumed your love so readily.” The words flowed out of my mouth before I realised my mistake.
“So that was all I was, to you?” she snapped. Her eyes widened when she realised the venom in her voice.
“No, you’re not,” I pleaded. “It’s not like that; it’s never been like that. It’s just– I haven’t... I’ve never given that much thought about what you mean to me. I don’t know why. My heart pou– pounds with you, at sight of you. I don’t understand why I treated you so badly.”
The truth burned. My throat dried quickly. “I – I was an idiot. Heartless. You never deserved any of it. If you asked... if you asked me whether you should believe me, I would tell you ‘no’. I’ve never done anything to deserve what you gave me.”
I wiped at the tears in my eyes before they could fall. “Marmalade, I’m nothing more than what I’ve claimed I wasn’t. I’m still a monster. A parasite, playing civil. I – please. Please, I beg of you, just give me one more chance. I love you.” I couldn’t regain my breath, couldn’t stop, no matter how many times I gasped for air. “I love you,” I repeated, straining the word quietly. “I don’t want you to go. I’m sorry, sorry...”
Silence.
My apology had been given and there was nothing more I could say. If she rejected me, it would be my own fault. That I knew. I couldn’t bear to look at her, or reach out in fear of what I might find. For a minute I stayed silent, before she spoke.
“Look at me!” she commanded firmly. My eyes rose to her face, and I felt my soul shatter. She had a fierce scowl on her face, and looked as though she was ready to throw the table at me. “You think you can just ask for forgiveness after what you put me through? Love? Hah! You wouldn’t know love if it fell into your lap. If you really want me to even consider forgiving you, you’ll do exactly as I say.”
I gulped. “And what is that?”
“Come over here,” she commanded.
I blinked. What?
“Are you just going to keep me waiting?” she snapped.
I walked around the table and stood before her. She regarded me with cold eyes and a dispassionate frown. “Wha–”
Lemon Marmalade took a single step towards me, her lips finding mine and silencing my speech. She pressed in, wrapping her forelegs around my neck, sealing out mouths together in a kiss. She tasted of blueberries. What she had been concealing just moments before hit me: love. Though it was as pure as mountain water, it wielded it’s own weighty clout of strength. Stress and worry fell away in her embrace, almost as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulder. I felt something else, but it was so dominated by the more powerful emotion that I didn’t pay it any heed. I lost my balance and fell backwards to the ground, yet she persisted.
Marmalade withdrew, taking a few deep breaths from the moment’s passion. Only then did I realize how close we were. I could feel her heartbeat just above mine. I felt her tail intertwine with my own.
“Amethyst, you are not a monster,” Marmalade whispered. “I don’t care what other ponies say, or what they think. Neither should you.”
“But Marmalade –”
“No Amethyst. Sure you broke your promise, but it was wrong of me to force you to make it. I know things haven’t been easy for you. I just lost a home, but you lost everything,” she gave me another kiss. “If anything, I think you're more of an idiot for thinking I wouldn’t forgive you. I love you too, Amethyst.” My heart threatened to burst from my chest at those words. “What made you think that anyway?”
“I... don’t know,” I lied. Oh, if only she knew.
She gave me a melancholy smile. “You could stop lashing out at others, for a start, but that’s only part of it. I know what you’ve been through is tough, but you need to stop being so hard on yourself. For once, let others help you. You don’t have to change the world on your own.”
“What?” How in all of Equestria was I hard on myself? More like on everyone around me. I suppose for the moment, I should accept what she suggested. Masters know my relying on myself hadn’t got me that far.
“Amethyst, we’ll support you however we can, but only if you let us. We can help you with the insults and criticism you face. The fact that you’re a changeling doesn’t mean that you deserve to be treated horribly. Thing is, I know who you truly are, and how far you’ve gone. I love you, Amethyst.”
Our lips met again, and the world slowed. We sank into each other’s embrace, my forelegs wrapped around her barrel, and hers’ around my neck. We both paused for a breath, before resuming our activity.
“I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” Pastel asked, sending jolts down my back. I could hear the satisfied smirk she wore.
I flushed cherry red, unable to meet her twinkling eyes as I squirmed to get out from Marmalade. The mare on top of me had other plans, however. Though she bore a light blush, she kept me pinned.
“Well, not if you’re wanting to watch,” she sung in a husky tenor, her eyelids drooping suggestively.
Somehow, even more blood made its way to my face. “Marmalade!” I exclaimed, praying silently to the masters for the ground to swallow us up.
Turning her attention back to me, Marmalade kissed my nose gently. She worked her way up my muzzle, spending a moment on my forehead before turning on my ear. When she reached the tip, her kisses became nibbles. I couldn’t help myself, I–
Marmalade sat up abruptly. “Did you just squeak?”
“No,” I lied. That was definitely up there with the most embarrassing things I’d ever done. Pastel’s mouth hung open for a moment before she broke into silent hysterics, tears welling in her eyes. It didn’t take long for Marmalade to join her, but she was a little more open in her laughter.
“Perhaps I should try again, then?” Marmalade suggested, leaning down towards the other ear.
I was up from out under her in a moment, to their great amusement. “No thank you,” I blurted. “That’s quite alright.”
“Not quite so headstrong when you’re flustered, are you?” Pastel jeered, pushing a cart into the room.
“Hey!”
“I’m joking,” she chuckled. “Perhaps you two would like supper now?”
I nodded eagerly.
“Alright, I had strawberries salads made for each of you to start,” she said, placing the two plates on the table. The salads were a beautiful mix of romaine, iceberg and green lead lettuce, topped with a finely grated cheese and plenty of strawberries. “Now, when you’re done, your main courses are in the large platters. Amethyst, yours has a small amount of gold trim on the lid’s handle. Don’t worry about them getting cold; there is a spell on them to preserve the food’s freshness and temperature. Dessert is in the covered bowls.” She leaned in close to whisper something in my ear. “There a bottle of champagne on the bottom of the cart for later.”
I managed not to blush. “What?”
She smiled slyly and trotted to the door. “Call if you need anything!”
“What did she say to you?” Marmalade asked as Pastel left.
“Nothing,” I quickly blurted. When I turned to the cart to see if there was any dressings for the salads there, Marmalade gave a small gasp.
“What happened to your shoulder?” she exclaimed.
The magic bolt had left a slight scorch mark. I had washed away some of it, but a slight gouge was noticeable. It still tingled a little. “Yeah, that was part of the reason why I was late.”
“What happened?” she asked, worry clear in her eyes; her brown eyes.
I told her of what had transpired in the shower. I couldn’t contain some of the pride in my voice when I explained how I had taken down one of the guards.
“Eww.” Marmalade shuddered. “You make that stuff?”
I shrugged “I guess. Why does it matter?”
“I had to clean my roof of that stuff. I didn’t realize changelings made it.”
“Why does it matter?” I asked again.
“Nope, we’re not going there,” she protested, looking a little green.
With that, I continued to tell the remainder of the story. She expressed her sympathy with what had happened to Ocean Wind and Starlight, and shared in my disdain of Shining Armour. There wasn’t much to explain after that.
From there, our conversation took a turn from myself to Marmalade plan’s to rebuild her inn and life. Apparently Luna had offered to pay out the same amount that the inn had cost to build in the first place, in compensation for the actions of her people. Luna’s pockets must be deep.
She explained to me that she was considering hiring an architect to design the new structure, rather than do it herself. There had been money saved for a few renovations she had planned to do, and now with most of the bill footed by the Princess, that money was freed up.
“Given any thought to expanding, then?” I asked.
Marmalade nodded her head slowly. “I have. The only thing is, it could change the way I work, so much. If I build anything too big, I’ll have to hire more help, which means I’ll get to spend less time doing what I love. Of course, I would make more money, so I just need to figure out the right balance.”
When we finished the salad, we moved onto the main course. Like Pastel had promised, the food was kept warm and looking as though it had just come out of the kitchen. I had some sort of gently grilled fish lightly doused in breadcrumbs, along with a plate of rice and a few steamed vegetables tinted with herbs and spices. Marmalade had a small steaming pie with a flaky white crust and a few cooked greens and daisy heads. Both looked amazing, and our mouths watered at the sight.
They were every bit delicious as they looked, yet mine still tasted like ash.
The conversation strayed from there, never remaining stationary for long. From the weather to snips of gossip; from foalhood stories to ones more recent in nature, the evening drew out into a breathtakingly enjoyable experience. For the first time, the urgency and dangers of days which both had come and gone faded into the background. I was enjoying myself almost entirely. Almost.
Every time I met Marmalade’s eyes, a distant echo of a memory reminded me of that night when they had been coloured with my magic. I pushed it back at first, exterminating the thought with a topic change. But it came back. It kept resurfacing, stronger each time. I ignored it and focused on my meal.
“You should have seen what happened next!” Marmalade exclaimed, grinning widely. “She–” She broke off, tilting her head. “Amethyst, are you alright?”
“I’m fine,” I replied, giving her my best smile.
She was silent for a few moments, staring at me. “Just then, it looked like you were disgusted with something. Was it the food?”
Disgusted with myself, disgusted with my actions, disgusted that I haven’t told you yet... “The food’s fine, it’s –” That memory blinked again, and for a moment I thought I could make out the same look of lust. “It’s not the food,” I admitted. My mouth was suddenly bone dry. Apologising had been easy compared to the thought of explaining myself. Hell, I’m not even sure I could. I owed it to her, though. The things we do for honour.
“Do you remember last night?”
“Yes, I’d never forget a night like that.”
I’d never forget a night like that. She would never forget what I’d forced her to do, what she let me do. She would never forget... that I had essentially raped her. No, that was wrong. There was no “essentially” about it. I had raped her. What the hell could I try to pass it off as?
Moments passed in silence. “Marmalade...” I finally managed, gasping out her name in a rush of air. “There’s something you should know.”
“About last night?” she asked, as I paused.
“Marm... just, please, don’t stop me. It’s hard enough as is.” I took a deep breath, pushing my plate away from me. “I’ve told you that changelings live off positive emotion. Well, not entirely, but we live off of it. If any changeling has enough positive emotion stored, or too large an intake, they’ll... start to grow in size, and grow in a mane and tail. It can’t just be kept, though, it has to be sustained or we shrink and the hair recedes. The worst thing is, it takes a long time for that to happen, and until that point, we basically starve. I can’t describe how it feels... it’s like an emptiness in your gut, and chest, but not like you’re hungry.” The smile on her face had wilted, replaced by nothing. Devoid of any emotion, she watched me as I continued to speak.
“I was slowly starving when I met you, and I was until last night. I didn’t want to harm anyone by taking it from them. So I just accepted what I could, but it wasn’t enough. Our magic acts… by itself, sometimes, and mine began to alter how you saw me. We were good friends before, but it forced us further. Last night... last night happened because I was too slow to realise it. There could have been something I–I could have done, but I didn’t even notice. Then I saw it in your eyes. I suppose you can say I... raped you. It wasn’t meant to be like this, but I just couldn’t...”
Her eyes were wide, and her mouth agape. She choked on a word, the sound coming out as a strangled rasp. She held herself away from me, looking at me like I was a predator.
I suppose I was. Wasn’t that what we changelings were, anyway?
“That’s not even the worst of it,” I said. “All you’ve felt towards me could be nothing except my magic... you probably actually hate me... you should hate me for what I’ve done to you.”
Her mouth snapped shut with a click.“Amethyst,” Marmalade said softly, standing up and beginning to walk around the table. I couldn’t bear to look at her face.
“There’s nothing... nothing I can say, to apologize,” I whispered. “Everything just sounds like a fucking excuse no matter how I word it.”
“Can I just say something?”
I ignored what she had asked. “Just tell the guard or something. I’d understand if you wanted –”
Marmalade slapped me, putting her full weight behind the strike. I tumbled back, only to have my neck snapped forward when Marmalade hoisted me up by my collar. It felt like a noose.
“You – just – shut up for once!” she shouted into my face, seething between clenched teeth. She dropped me to the floor, taking a step back. She was silent for a moment, her jaw clenching. She glared down at me for a minute, saying nothing. Suddenly, her shoulders slumped and looked down to her hooves in utter defeat. “I don’t know what to think,” she said. “But don’t you ever tell me my feelings are not my own.”
“But that’s what happened,” I protested.
Her whole body went rigid. “Didn’t you hear what I just said? You can’t tell me what I do and don’t feel.”
“But you’re not–”
“I don’t care!” she shouted. “I’d rather assume my feelings for you are genuine, than think they are not.”
“But I–”
“Shut up!” she screamed. “There are only two things I know about it. One, my time with you has been wonderful, and two, I love you. Now even if it turns out that I don’t, there’s a famous little saying.” Marmalade offered a hoof to pull me up. “‘It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.’ I love you, Amethyst, and for the time being, that’s all I care about.” Her anger began to fade, and her lips lifted into a shaky, gentle smile. “What’s past is past. What’s done is done. Besides, you don’t really have a say in the matter, do you?”
There was more behind the smile, more then I could ever hope to understand. “What do you mean?”
“Your magic,” she said. “It’s not like you chose to do that to me. If it was something your physiology made you do, how can I hold it over you?”
“It’s not the same!” I insisted. “If I was stronger, better, I could have stopped it, I could have prevented it. But I didn’t.” It was almost like she had given up trying to figure it all out, and had chosen the easiest path before her.
Marmalade put her hoof under my chin, and lifted my head. Her eyes were a gorgeous brown. Not a tint of my magic could be seen. “After all you’ve done for me, how can you possibly be so hard on yourself? Everyday, you’ve been grinding yourself down over something out of your control. Life happens, Amethyst, whether you like it or not. Stopping kicking yourself over your mistakes and just move on.” She reached out and pulled my head into her chest, and held it there. A soothing rhythm pounded within her chest.
“Marmalade, I can’t just ‘move on’,” I confessed. “I’m the only one who can make things right. Everypony in Canterlot thinks I’m some sort of monster, or at least not worthy of their respect.” And in a way, they’re right.
She let go of my head, and took a few steps back to give me space. “Do you think Princess Celestia and Luna think you to be some sort of monster?”
“Yes! They treat me–”
“Amethyst, think about it. What have they done that they are not willing to accept responsibility for, and have not tried to fix?”
Silence.
Marmalade had seen the realization. She nodded in the quiet. “Pastel told me that they had to physically restrain Celestia to a bed to force her to get the rest she needs. Luna has been running herself into the ground managing the work of her sister in addition to her own.”
“They still could have stopped the fire which took my parents,” I muttered.
“Amethyst. Neither Princess Celestia or Luna would try to escape the consequences of their actions. When all this hubbub ends, I’m sure you’ll figure something out with them.”
“There’s –”
Marmalade silenced me with a hoof gently pressed against my lips. “Just trust me on that, alright?
“Alright,” I answered when she removed her hoof.
She looked like she wanted to say something more, but the light in her eyes dimmed as something she had been concealing finally broke. “Excuse me for a moment. I have to go use the washroom.”
It was not the truth, but an excuse to get away from me. Could I really blame her for that, after all I’ve done? All I’ve revealed? Even now, when I looked back on her words, I just couldn’t help but think they were not quite the truth. Her words seemed like she was putting on a brave face, at the expense of her true self. Through the bathroom door, I could hear nothing, but I wasn’t about to see if I could. If Marmalade wanted some space for herself, she could have it.
My thoughts drifted from her to myself. What I had done and said in anger, or just in spite, had mostly not been justified. Marmalade was right when she claimed neither Luna of Celestia was the real cause for concern. It pained me to admit it, but they really weren’t. I still didn’t like them, but even I saw where the shortcomings lay.
Was this really love? I had no idea.
I toyed with my food, taking a bite of the now cold fish before shoving it back further into my throat. All I could taste was ash.
Was I being fair to myself, or Marmalade? If anyone knew of how fast our relationship had progressed, I was pretty sure they would be concerned. In the silence and solitude, my doubts screamed at me. In a little less than a week, we were full-blown lovers, even with how little time we had spent with one another. How many couples could make that claim? I still worried that one day I would wake up to find her gone without a trace. Would she tell anyone what had happened? Would anyone really learn about what existed between us, or believe it?
I wasn’t sure that even I could believe it, biases and all.
In spite of what I told myself earlier, when ten minutes came and went without her coming out, I began to worry. I was just about to knock on the door and ask if everything was alright when the door opened. Marmalade looked the same, but different. Her makeup looked not quite as fresh, and her eyes looked a little irritated. Yet, with her posture, I didn’t think she had been crying.
“Dinner’s kind of cold, now,” I mumbled.
“Bah, I was pretty much done anyway.”
“Marmalade, are you alright?”
She waved me off. “Some of the spices didn’t agree with me.”
It didn’t feel like the right answer, but I let the matter go. “What were you going to say earlier?”
She hesitated for a moment. “I just wanted to... I think it’s only fair for me to thank you, for everything you’ve done for me.”
“You what?” Why in the world did I deserve thanks?
“You saved my life pulling me from the inn, and nearly carried me back to the castle. You’ve been helping my cousins. You tucked me in and comforted me when I was having a nightmare. You–”
My face burned. “You were awake?” I blurted.
“No, but I woke up,” she admitted. “Where did you learn that lullaby? From your mother?”
I nodded.
“All good things should be commended. And if I’m not allowed to love you after everything you’ve done to me, screw those rules.” She pulled me into a hug. “Just never try to blame yourself again. Alright?”
Masters, there was nothing I had ever done to deserve a mare like her. I had not been expecting forgiveness at all. At best I was hoping she would remain a friend, but realistically, I had expected her to go fetch the guard. I deserved that fate. If I had been starving of emotion before, I was stuffed now, and ready to pass out.
“So, dessert?” I suggested.
“Now there’s an idea.”
I took the two small covered platters and set them on the table. When I turned back, I froze. Marmalade held a pair of glasses and the bottle of champagne, tilting her head cheekily.
“But personally, I’m in the mood for a different sort of dessert.”
“Marmalade...” I protested lamely. How had she known about that?
She smirked. “When you work in an inn, you get awfully good at reading lips. So how about it?”
I know many stallions that would have leapt at the offer, but not me. I just couldn’t take advantage of her again with, even in spite of her acceptance. The confession was still raw. “Sorry Marmalade. It’s just...”
“It’s alright, I understand.” She paused. “But that still doesn’t meant we can’t have a good time.”