“As for me, all I know is that I know nothing. And that ponies are awesome.” — Socrates
I sighed tiredly and stared out over the dark countryside that surrounded the city of Canterlot. Since it was perched high on the side of a mountain, I could see miles of rolling hills that stretched out to the horizon and the lights of Ponyville gleamed in the distance. The trees had all turned from dark green to yellow and orange in the past twenty-four hours.
I really wished that I had a cigarette and a few slugs of whiskey, which was weird because I don't smoke and I don't drink anything stronger than Dr Pepper (yes, apparently there are college students in California who don't get shitfaced every night and I'm one of them). Instead, I sipped at a goblet of cold fruit punch and tried to think. Doing that wasn't easy for some reason, and I was starting to get a headache.
The party had dragged on through the entire day and was still going strong behind me. Luna had excused herself to raise the moon about two hours ago. The entire time, I had been bombarded by ponies who wanted to shake my hand, congratulate me on my new title, and ask questions about Earth. I didn't really mind, and even shared a few personal stories and interesting tidbits, but it's not easy to keep it up for so long.
I heard quiet hoofsteps come up behind me and turned to see who it was this time. Probably another foal who wanted to hear about the shadow dragon for the third time. Or maybe one of the big-shot music ponies asking to get together and make some records of Earth songs.
It turned out to be Rarity, actually. She stepped out onto the balcony beside me and looked over the railing.
“It's beautiful, isn't it?” she said with that musical accent of hers. “I always love to look at the stars when they come out.”
I nodded but kept quiet. Something in my gut told me that I wasn't going to like what was coming. Sometimes I hate being right.
Rarity gently laid a hoof on my shoulder. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” I muttered. “I'm just a little worn out. And still sore from yesterday.”
She nodded sympathetically. “That reminds me, I never did get around to telling what I wanted to say before you ran up the stairs in the library. Jesse...I feel that you and I—”
I turned and looked her right in the face. “Sorry, Rarity, but I know what you're going to say and it just won't work out.” I'm not one to beat around the bush when it comes to unpleasant news.
She drew back as if I'd just slapped her. “Whatever do you mean? Of course it could, why wouldn't it?”
“We're from two different species for starters,” I said a little more harshly than I'd intended to.
She huffed. “In case you haven't noticed, nopony's ever objected to Spike's advances toward me on that basis. His age is an obstacle, certainly, but interspecies relationships are not frowned upon in Equestria.”
“They are on Earth,” I shot back, then took a deep breath and tried a slightly different route. “Look, you're a beautiful mare and I'm just some schmuck from California. You should settle down with a suitable stallion, have a few foals, and raise a happy family. Isn't that what you want?”
Rarity rolled her eyes. “I've had dozens of suitable stallions approach me, and none of them has captured my fancy. The only one of the lot that I ever felt something for turned out to be the most worthless, spoiled lout in all the land. But you knew about that already, somehow.
“No, the stud that I desire is a rugged individual. He is educated, stalwart, clever, creative, and willing to put the needs of others before his own. He perseveres when all hope is lost, yet knows how to enjoy himself when appropriate. He does not hide his faults and failings, but strives to succeed in spite of them. He withheld nothing when Trixie captured me and put her in her place. He has defeated Diamond Dogs and a shadow dragon, not for the boasting and glory, but out of loyalty to his friends. He is you, and you alone.”
“Well, uh, that's all fine and dandy,” I said, genuinely touched that she felt that way. I was starting to feel bad about turning her down. “But I'm not willing to start a relationship with you. End of discussion. It'll just end in tears, I know it.”
“Would you deny us both this love?” Her blue eyes sparkled in the moonlight and she took another step toward me. “I felt something for you the instant that our eyes met outside the spa, and that feeling has only grown stronger in the days since. And I know that you feel the same way toward me, deep inside your heart. It's there, even if you're unwilling to admit it to yourself. You've put hints of it in the music that you've made since your arrival. You took it upon yourself to chastise the prince for his behavior toward me, and before that were the songs that you chose during the chariot ride to Fillydelphia. I know that I am the one that that song was meant for, the one about dancing the night away by that 'Van Halen' group of yours.”
“You mean the one that's about a stripper?”
“A what?” She frowned as she tried to figure out what that was, then shrugged and put on a coy smile. “I'm not sure what that means, but yes. If it makes you happy, I want to be your stripper.”
“No, you really don't,” I assured her. I couldn't help but get a certain mental image that belongs in the darkest, most depraved corners of the internet when she said that.
Rarity still seemed completely unfazed by my objections and stepped even closer. “Won't you please at least give me a chance? Even if you don't want me to be your stripper, can't I at least be your fillyfriend? I've already made these for us.”
She pulled two golden necklace chains out of a pocket that was hidden somewhere on her dress. From each chain dangled a small gem encased in a band of gold. One was a ruby and the other was an emerald.
“I remember what you said to the Diamond Dogs about selling jewelery in a second store. While that might not happen, I made these earlier just for us.” She looped the emerald one over her neck and levitated the other into my hand.
I brought the ruby up to my face to get a better look. The blood-red gem caught the light and its facets threw crimson reflections around in all directions. “Are these the gems that came from the dragon?”
She beamed. “The very same. Now you'll have a little something to point to whenever you tell the story of our battle. And to remind you of me whenever I'm not around.”
I fixed her with a hard glare until her smile faded away and her ears drooped. “The same gems that I had in my pocket last night?”
Rarity suddenly looked horrified and took a quick step back, but then she recovered and put on a less-than-convincing smile. “Why yes, I did find them in your pocket. But don't you think that this is a good use for them? What else would you use them for? Would you prefer a ring instead?”
“Why did you take my clothes off?” I demanded. “You didn't need to do that to get to them, did you?”
She swallowed hard and hung her head. “No, I didn't need to. But...you see, Sweetie Belle talked about when she saw you in the spa after Pinkie's peppers made you sick. I suppose I let my curiosity got the better of me.”
“Is that so?” I gave a frustrated sigh and set the necklace on the balcony's railing. “Goddammit, I knew it was a bad idea to get undressed in front of those fillies. Did you put a spell on me so that I wouldn't wake up when you did that? And...” I sighed again. Even in my anger, I felt really bad about asking the next question.
But it had to be done. “And did you let something else get the better of you while you had me unconscious?”
Rarity threw her head back up and stared straight into my face. Her blue eyes were narrowed in fury and brimming with moisture. “Of course not! I would never even consider such a shameful action! How could you think so little of me?”
I had to fight off the intense guilt that filled my gut as I watched the angry tears roll down her cheeks. Sure, I just made her cry, I told myself. But I had every right to ask those questions. Plus, that's one way to sabotage this relationship thing before it can get started.
“Well, this isn't going to work out,” said another voice from somewhere below the balcony. It startled Rarity so badly that she yelped and jumped right into my arms Scooby-Doo-style. She was a lot lighter than I would have expected for a pony, but her grip on my neck was like iron.
Princess Luna flew up into view and stepped over the railing to land gracefully on the balcony. She was wearing a smirk for some reason. “Since you're obviously not meant for each other, I suppose that makes him available. Dibs!”
I was not prepared for this at all. Now she was suddenly interested in me too? My highly composed response was as elegant as it was simple:
“...The fuck?”
Luna collected herself and strode forward with a fluid bounce in her hips. “I couldn't help but overhear your discussion,” she said much more formally. “It is clear that the two of you have too many issues that will make a successful relationship impossible, so I wish to take this moment to declare my own eligibility and point out yours, Jesse. No doubt you would like to extend a desire to become my beau, and I wholeheartedly accept. Although I must say that we need to discuss your language.”
“Whoa whoa whoa, hold up! Since when have you...why would...I don't...the fuck?” In case it's not clear, my mind locked up at that point. I hate it when that happens.
“You know, you're cute when you're flustered,” Luna giggled to herself. “Just say yes, dear, and don't bother yourself with a doomed union.”
Rarity, who was still in my arms, clung to me even tighter than she had at first. Her ire and shame of just moments ago seemed to melt away and was replaced with pure affection and a hint of desperation. “Do you truly believe that a single argument makes our love an unattainable fantasy? True love conquers all obstacles thrown at it, especially when they come from the couple themselves. And in any case, what qualifies you to judge whether we are suitable or not?”
Luna tossed her shiny mane back haughtily. “Besides being the Princess of the Moon? I'm thousands of years old, so I think I know a thing or two about how life and love go.”
“And you just spent an entire millennium on your moon,” Rarity spat back. “What could you possibly learn about love there?”
Luna's eyes flashed white with anger. “You dare to mock me? Clearly this human deserves to be with somepony who is wise enough to think before she speaks ill of her superiors! Do you even have the ability to appreciate his qualities?”
“I've already told him why I love him so,” Rarity paused to nuzzle my neck. “He and I will be together forever, and nothing that you do can prevent it! Isn't that right, darling?”
Luna narrowed her still-white eyes. “Do you really believe that I will just take your refusal and leave like that? He will be mine!”
“Do I get a say in this?” I cut in, pretty annoyed at the whole situation. Now I had two psycho almost-girlfriends fighting over me? I'd never been that popular on Earth.
Rarity looked at me with those enormous blue eyes. “Of course you do. I won't selfishly decide for you, unlike somepony.” She glared at Luna for a split second before turning back to me.
I sighed and set her down on her hooves gently. I didn't have a whole lot of options and my head was pounding, which made it difficult to think. But I forced my brain to start working again and decided that the best course of action would be to lie my ass off in such a way that neither of them could pursue the issue any further. I'm sure that even Applejack knows that there are times when the truth is not an option.
Just as I was about to say that I was gay (the ultimate lie to get out of this kind of situation), Princess Celestia stepped out onto the balcony.
“What's going on out here?” she asked curiously.
“Your Highness,” Rarity said quickly as she bowed. “Sir Jesse and I desire a union and wish to have your blessing.”
“No!” Luna stepped up to her sister. “Tia, it is I that he desires. Give your blessing to us!”
“Do I get a say in this?” I repeated in exasperation as the pain in my head grew steadily worse.
A few more ponies were staring out through the door to see what all the commotion was. Rainbow Dash actually shoved a few other pegasi out of the air to get a decent view.
Celestia's eye flicked between each of us and that weird x-ray feeling returned whenever it was pointed at me. She seemed to be about as confused as I was.
“Threesome!” Pinkie Pie shouted merrily from the doorway.
“Wha—No! Do you even know what that means?” I shouted with a facepalm. My headache was rapidly approaching migraine levels.
“Everypony calm down,” Twilight said as she pushed her way through the crowd. “What's all the yelling about?”
I rubbed furiously at my temples as my skull threatened to split in half and spray my brains all over the onlookers. “These two both want me to be their boyfriend for some reason. I don't...ugh...I...ow, Jesus...ARGHH!”
The pain grew to unbearable levels. I clutched at my head and sank to my knees. I was dimly aware that Rarity and Luna were both gaping at me in surprise, but I wasn't paying much attention to anything other than my own agony.
My vision started flashing random colors, so that one moment everything was green, then switched to red, then brown, green again, orange, and so on. My other senses started going haywire as well, with weird smells in my nose, a sharp ringing in my ears, the taste of vinegar in my mouth, and I swear that I felt things touching my skin that simply didn't exist.
Fuck! I somehow managed to think. These ponies gave me a fucking aneurysm!
A neon blue Twilight was violently shaking me by the shoulders and yelling something, but everything went black before I could figure out what she was trying to say.
* * * * *
The first thing that I was aware of was the pounding in my head. It felt like my brain was bashing itself against the inside of my skull. It wasn't quite so bad as before, but “not as bad” isn't the same as “good.”
I groaned and sat up groggily. The lights were too bright, and it took my eyes a few seconds to adjust. The air smelled weird, like someone had hung one of those tacky tree-shaped air fresheners under my nose.
After a moment, I could actually see my surroundings. I was in a small medical bed in a tiny square room. A single unremarkable door sat in the corner. The walls were all white and there were no windows. The only decoration was a small mirror that hung on one of the side walls.
I froze when I saw my reflection. That couldn't be right. My features were the same, but my hair was way too long and my beard was spread evenly across my entire face instead of my sharp mustache and goatee. It looked like I hadn't washed my face in a week.
I pulled my gaze away and noticed a short table next to the bed. On it was a small vase of flowers and a digital clock that read 10:33 am. There was also a blank notepad and a pencil, but that—
Wait a moment. I looked back at the clock. Ponies don't have digital stuff. What the hell?
The door opened with a squeak. I leaned forward and squinted at whoever was coming in. Was it Twilight, who would have some sort of explanation for what was going on? Was it a concerned Rarity? Some doctor pony?
Actually, it was a man. A human man with a white lab coat. Curly red hair and a thin mustache. A clipboard in his hand. A cross between professional interest and amusement on his face.
“So you're finally awake,” he said simply.
I tried to get my jaw working. Why is there another human here? Where are the others? Where am I? What's going on?
“...The fuck?” That seemed like a good way to ask every question at once.
He pulled a pen out of his coat pocket and made a quick note on his clipboard. “So you don't know. I'm not really surprised.”
“What's that s'posed to mean?” I demanded. “Where am I?”
“This is the Aurora Psychiatric Hospital in Sacramento,” the man said slowly. “You've been here for four days now.”
“What? You...that's not...I'm...” I swung my legs out of the bed and stood up. It was then that I noticed that I was wearing a battered black t-shirt and faded pants. The same clothes that I'd been wearing when Twilight's spell had pulled me into Equestria.
“Sit down or I'll have you sedated,” he glowered seriously. “We get violent patients all the time, so don't even think about doing anything stupid. You won't like what the nurses will do to you.”
“Alright, fine,” I sat back down on the bed. “Just what the hell happened? What's the date?”
“September sixth,” he said. “Like I—”
“Bullshit!” I snapped. “That can't be right! I've been gone for more than a week, so it's...it's...” I tried to do the math in my head, but my brain didn't feel like cooperating. “Well, it's gotta be later than that!”
The man made another note. “More than a week, huh? Sounds like your sense of time's been screwed up as well. Now, do you want some answers or not?”
I bit my tongue and nodded. He consulted his clipboard again. “As I said before, you've been here for the past four days. You were conscious but unresponsive when your parents admitted you. MRI scans indicated hyperactivity in your neocortex and hippocampus, along with decreased activity in your thalamus.”
“Uh...English?”
He sighed and crossed his arms. “The imagination center of your brain went into overdrive and your outside senses stopped working. So you've been perceiving whatever it is your mind created instead of reality. Basically, you've been stuck in your own head for a while.”
“You're saying that everything I've seen and done lately has just been happening inside my mind? ” I challenged. “Now that's definitely bullshit. Hollywood-level bullshit.”
The man shook his head slowly. “Why do my patients always have to make this so difficult? Look, you developed a delusional psychosis from a chemical imbalance and we administered anti-psychotic drugs to set your brain right. Everything's fine now and we can discharge you after we finish our report.”
“I still don't believe you,” I huffed. “I've been busy as hell for the past couple of days. Saving the world and all that.”
He snorted. “And you say that I'm the one full of bullshit? What world have you been in, anyway?”
I was about to sneer back when it hit me. Magic. Ponies. Dragons. Impossible physics. In retrospect, that did sound like the ramblings of a psycho. Nevermind that it was the truth, just talking about it wouldn't exactly help my case.
So I steered the discussion in a different direction. “Well, Doc, could you expand on what you're saying? Is there some other case like this to help make it clearer?”
He nodded. “Yes, actually. Have you ever heard of Miguel de Cervantes?”
“Rings a bell,” I tried to think of where I'd heard that name before, but my mind still fought back.
“He wrote a book called Don Quixote. It's about an old man who thinks he's a knight. He ends up attacking a windmill because it looks like a giant to him. Sound familiar?”
I nodded. I'd heard about that before.
“His fantasy overcame his perception of reality. Perhaps it was a chemical imbalance in his brain or maybe there was a disconnect with his neurons. Anyway, that's what happened with you, only you weren't moving around, thank God. Now what exactly did you see?”
“Huh?”
He fixed me with an irritated look. “Son, this needs to go in the report. Either cooperate with me or you can forget about getting released any time soon.”
“Paging Nurse Ratched,” I said sarcastically.
He just tapped his pen against his clipboard impatiently.
* * * * *
I ended up talking for a few hours. I spoke about Equestia, my adventures, my inventions, and my friends. Even more had happened during my time in the ponies' world than I'd thought, and I hadn't ever taken the time to sit down and reflect on it all.
The doctor sat on a stool and took notes as I told my story. He seemed to be holding back snickers for most of it, which was pretty irritating. Try talking to someone who is actively attempting to convince you that your memories of the past week are nothing more than a passing illusion, even if they aren't laughing at you, without being annoyed. You just can't do it.
Although I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised at his response. If I had to hear some nineteen-year-old guy go on about how he'd visited a world of ponies and single-handedly turned it on its head, I'd probably be a little skeptical too. Actually, that's a lie. I'd have thought he was either retarded or seriously deranged.
Even worse, I started to have doubts too. As I got to the part about the Diamond Dogs' mine, it really started to sound like a bad fever dream. One guy taking out two giant dogs? And a single bomb flooding the place?
But just because it sounded weird didn't mean it couldn't be true, right?
On to the magic show. Okay, so making functional gunpowder with unrefined minerals and a working pistol out of scrap was a bit of a stretch. I'm pretty sure that the Mythbusters did something with that at some point and said that it was really unlikely.
But not impossible! Right?
The shadow dragon. Jumping off a balcony and hoping for a successful Sonic Rainboom (he actually snorted when I called it that) was stupid, sure, but it was just crazy enough that it could actually work.
I mean, it did work! Right? Right?
After I finally finished, the doctor or psychiatrist or whatever the hell he was continued to make notes for a few minutes. Then he cleared his throat loudly.
“Well, this has been...interesting to say the least. I think I've found a few things that can help explain why your mind created this 'Equestria' place.”
“I didn't make it up,” I growled, but that sounded feeble even to me.
He ignored my comment. “These characters that you saw all seem to be projections of your own subconscious. Six of them in particular stand out. The first one that you found—this 'Twilight Sparkle,' is it?—appears to be an extension of your desire to learn, as well as your antisocial tendencies.”
“I'm not antisocial!” I shot back angrily.
“According to what your parents said, you spent all summer in your room. And you never hung out with anyone else. In fact, they couldn't name a single friend of yours.”
That stung. I didn't say anything to that, so he consulted his notes again and kept talking.
“Now, this pegasus,” he paused to wipe the smirk off his face. “Fluttershy—they all have odd names, but that one takes the cake—is part of your withdrawn and quiet nature. It seems that you were much more active during this delusion than usual, but your parents assured me that you're normally very unmoving and reserved. So perhaps you projected what you see as a negative trait onto another being.”
Again, I was silent.
“Rainbow Dash, you said? She seems to be much more outgoing and unrestrained. Not held back by anything, completely carefree. Do you feel trapped by your life? Don't you just wish that you could fly away and enjoy yourself?”
My hands curled into fists, but he was too busy with his clipboard to notice.
“Pinkie Pie; you're not happy, are you? You don't laugh very often, do you? You want a little enjoyment out of life and to have a little fun. To let your hair down and be sociable. But you can't, can you?
“Applejack is a manifestation of your desire to find work and support yourself instead of leeching off your family. She also has a close bond with her sister, whereas you are emotionally distant from your relatives. Don't you wish that that would change?”
I could feel my blood boiling.
“And finally Rarity. You haven't gotten laid recently, have you?”
That was unexpected. “Huh? What?” I blinked in surprise.
He made another note. “I noticed the way that you described her. Pent-up sexual frustration, as Freud would say. Your mother confided in me that you haven't had a girlfriend since high school. You're now at a point in your life when you're expected to be partying and having drunken orgies in a bathroom stall. No wonder you'd want a little romance in your life, so she's your outlet for that.”
That did it. I stood back up and pointed my finger right at his eye.
“She's not just a vagina on legs, you cock-guzzling son of a bitch!” I snapped. “And they aren't just figments of my imagination! They're my friends, dammit!”
He held up his hands in a mockingly gesture of pacification and smirked. “If you say so, kid. Keep telling yourself that your precious little ponies are still out there.”
I was very tempted to punch him right in the face. I even tried to, but something held me back. Something at the back of my mind tethered my fist to my side and kept me from mauling the ever-loving shit out of him.
I suddenly felt very tired. I sat back on the bed and massaged my temples. The headache had never gone away completely, but it was getting worse again.
The doctor made another note and then stood up. “I'll need to review this report with a few of my colleagues, then we'll discuss any additional treatment and your release. The door will be locked, but there's a button on the side of the mattress if you need any kind of assistance. Have a nice day.”
I didn't look up until the door shut with a metallic click. Then I glanced at the clock again. 2:25 pm. I should have been hungry by then, but my stomach felt like it was full of sawdust.
I sighed heavily. Alone again. Normally, I would have taken comfort in solitude. Being by myself usually makes me feel better.
But not then. In that room, I just felt lonely. Lonely and helpless. Helpless and unhappy. Unhappy and unloved.
No, I didn't start crying. If there was ever a time in my life when I could have cried and not cared if the whole world knew about it, that was it. But the tears didn't come. Which only made me feel even more depressed.
Maybe it was just a fantasy, I thought, then immediately my anger flared again, this time at myself. Of course it wasn't! How could I even consider the possibility? That doc's full of shit, that's all! What the fuck does he know?
That was just a pitiful excuse to blame this all on him, and I knew it. And I had to admit that some of what he'd said made sense. Twilight was just as bookish as I was, I did want to be happy like Pinkie and outgoing like Rainbow, and I normally was about as withdrawn as Fluttershy. But a few coincidences didn't necessarily mean anything, did they?
Of course not! I was thrust into a new world, filled with tons of new things, so a few similarities were bound to...
Wait. But that...oh. Shit.
Well, that settles it.
You see, my thoughts had taken a bit of a detour. “New world” had lead to the Pilgrims. You know how it goes: Spring showers bring May flowers, Mayflowers bring Pilgrims, and Pilgrims bring smallpox. It was the smallpox that made me pause and reconsider everything.
You should know that the Americas were already inhabited when the first settlers from Europe arrived. Hundreds of tribes who wouldn't just pack up and leave their land to the white conquerors. Just the tribes on the East coast outnumbered the European arrivals several thousand to one. Didn't you ever wonder how they natives didn't manage to keep the newcomers out?
Sure, you could point out that it took multiple tries to set up successful colonies and how the Europeans had guns, but the correct answer in this case is smallpox. Since the Native Americans had never encountered that particular disease, their bodies were unprepared and it ripped them a new asshole. They died by the millions.
So, what does this have to do with the ponies? Well, take a look at your hand. There are millions of bacteria on it right now, some of which could cause a potentially fatal infection if you had an open cut or if they made their way into your mouth. Feel free to go wash your hands now. And your keyboard while you're at it, since you've been touching it with those same hands.
Now, my hands had a similar amount of germs and bacteria. Bacteria that must have spread to the ponies. Bacteria that caused illnesses that the ponies had never encountered before.
Yet not one of them had gotten sick. No new diseases had spread to my friends and they hadn't given any to me.
It's like what happens at the end of The War of the Worlds when the Martian invaders all died from the common cold. Only, in this case, it was a lack of that happening. And the odds of that, in proper scientific speech, are exactly a fuckton and a half squared to one.
So what did this mean? It meant that I'd been trying to prove that two plus two equals seven, and just then discovered new evidence that proved that I'd been counting wrong all along.
That pissed me off.
I turned to the mirror again. I didn't like the way I looked. I looked like a loser. A lonely loser who'd had to invent his own friends because he couldn't make any real ones.
That pissed me off even more.
Crash!
My hand hurt. I looked down at it and was surprised to see shards of glass sticking out of my knuckles. I didn't remember telling my legs to carry me across the room or making my arm swing my fist into the mirror. My hand started bleeding.
I sighed again and sat back on the bed. My head was hurting again. I rubbed at my temples again, but that didn't seem to help.
“Jesse?” came a small but familiar voice. Twilight's voice.
I looked around quick enough to give myself a whiplash. Where was she? Oh, God, please don't be coming from inside my head.
Actually, she was in the mirror. My blow had broken the glass into six big pieces, and Twilight, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie were each looking out of one of them.
You know what, that didn't help at all. That's how some crazy people in TV shows see their hallucinations—just reflections in a mirror.
“My goodness, what's happened to you?” Rarity asked. She obviously meant it to be a question of concern, but at the moment it sounded just like an accusation.
“I found the truth,” I spat. “You're not real, so quit bugging me.”
“What th' hay is that s'posed ta mean?” Applejack asked.
“Yeah, get over here!” Rainbow urged. “Let's figure out a way to get you the hell outta here and back to Equestria.”
“You mean back inside my own head? Not gonna happen.”
Flutterhsy looked confused. “Twilight, what's he talking about?”
It was Pinkie who happily answered that question. “Well, he was talking to that psycho doctor guy about us. So now he thinks he's loco in the coco and we're figments of his imagination. Which is weird, because I thought that I was real this morning!”
As if I needed any more proof. “How did she know that?” I sneered at of the rest of the ponies. “How could she know about the doctor when she wasn't there? Unless she's part of my mind and can access my memories.”
“It's Pinkie Pie. How d'ya explain anythin' she does?” Applejack drawled.
“And that's another thing! Half the stuff that Pinkie does is physically impossible! I don't know why I didn't realize it before, but none of that could have happened.” I'm not sure what came over me, but I was feeling like they'd all betrayed me somehow.
“Calm yourself,” Rarity pleaded. “You're not insane. You're just—”
“Insane? Who said anything about being insane? I'm not insane!” Yes, there was just a trace of hysteria in my voice when I said that.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Rainbow demanded. “You're not acting like yourself. What did that doctor do to you? He took your brain out, didn't he?”
I shook my head. “He didn't do anything. He just let me see for myself what had happened. That I'd lost touch with reality. Well, it's time for me to wake up and smell the coffee. And you girls aren't a part of that.”
Pinkie didn't seem upset at my outburst. “You just need a little cheering up! I know, we'll have a party! That'll make you feel better.”
“Fuck your parties, and fuck you!” I growled, then immediately wished that I hadn't. “Wait, I didn't—”
But the damage was done. Tears welled up in Pinkie's eyes and her ears dropped. Her lip quivered for a moment, then she took off running out of the mirror and out of sight while her mane deflated into a lifeless heap.
“Oh no,” Fluttershy flew after the pink pony and disappeared as well.
“What'd you do that for?” Rainbow asked angrily. “If you wanna pick a fight, come get a piece of me!”
“What are you gonna do, make the wind mess up my hair?” I taunted. “When was the last time you did something useful?”
“I saved your ass!” she shot back. “Does a certain trebuchet ring any bells?”
“My ass wouldn't've needed saving if you hadn't tried to send it into orbit!" I cupped a hand to my ear and leaned forward. "What's that? I couldn't hear you, 'cause your mane's too loud!”
She was fuming. “Nopony makes fun of my mane! Just wait 'til I get my hooves on you, you prick—”
Applejack pulled Rainbow Dash out of the mirror by her tail, despite the pegasus' attempts to fly out and throttle me. The earth pony flashed me a death glare as she too disappeared form view.
You know what? Venting my frustration like that didn't make me feel any better. It made me feel like a jackass. I don't like feeling like a jackass.
Only Rarity and Twilight were left, and they both looked genuinely terrified by my behavior. That didn't help either. If anything, it made me feel even angrier. Why was my own imagination scared of me?
“P-please, Jesse,” Rarity begged. “Please get yourself under control. You're better than this. I know you are. I've seen your strength and—”
“You saw a lot of stuff in me,” I cut her off. “A most of it isn't really there. Let's face it, I suck.”
“No you don't!” she insisted quickly. “And putting yourself down like that won't make it true, either. You are and always will be my white knight!”
“No, I'm just a white guy. You know what, Rarity? You're fooling yourself just like I was. You think that I'm your perfect boyfriend, but how do you explain what just happened? If I was that great, would I have driven the others away like that? Well?”
Rarity helplessly looked to Twilight. “They've destroyed his mind! Please, get him out of here before they can...I don't know, do something worse!”
Twilight shook her head sadly. “We shouldn't bring him back to Equestria if he doesn't want to come.”
“But he doesn't know what he's saying! Once he's back to normal, he'll be thanking us for rescuing him from this horrible place!” Rarity turned back to me desperately. “Please, Jesse, come back! I love you! We all love you! Please!”
I paused to think for just a second while Rarity pleaded and Twilight glanced between us uncertainly. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you know that your decision will affect how the rest of your life turns out? Take the red pill, take the blue pill. If you haven't been in one of those moments, let me assure you that they suck balls.
On the one hand, Equestria was a dream come true. It wasn't perfect, but it was a hell of a lot more bearable than Earth. There were new things to learn and old things to teach. My actions had meaning there. Things in general were less complicated. I had friends.
On the other hand...
I shook my head. “No. I can't live in a world that's not real.”
Rarity began to speak again, but Twilight cut her off with a horn prod and a shake of her head. The unicorns both stepped out of the mirror's frame and away from me. Rarity gave me a final look before she disappeared, and that tragic, tearful glance burned itself into my memory. Then they were gone.
I waited to see if they would reappear or make any kind of sound, but nothing happened. The broken mirror just sat there on the wall, completely devoid of life except for my reflections.
After a few seconds of silence had passed, I looked at the clock again. 2:31 pm. That was a really short time to go from being absolutely convinced to slightly doubtful to full-on denial.
Perhaps I should have been happy that I'd chosen to face the truth, but happiness was the last thing on my mind at the moment. It didn't feel like I'd accomplished anything at all.
What I did feel was guilt and remorse. Try to imagine how bad you would feel if you purposefully punched your best friend in the face and could never tell him or her why you did it. Then multiply it by ten. That's about how bad I felt.
I was exhausted. My energy was totally gone from arguing with the ponies. Or with myself, rather. Either way, I felt way more tired than I should have after being awake for only four hours.
Before the clock changed to 2:32, I was asleep again. My dreams were weird and indistinct, but the ponies were there. I found myself chasing after them, but they ran away before I could catch up. No matter how fast I ran towards the colorful equines, I was always left behind in the dreary darkness.
Alone.
* * * * *
“Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.” — Mark Twain (unaltered)
* * * * *
Afterword
Thank you all for sticking with me and reading on as this fanfic derailed itself into a tangled mess. I'm pretty sure that you have some questions, so let me address those first:
Holy crap, what just happened in this part?
A conclusion to the first story, that's what. Yes, the first. I already have some ideas for the sequel, which will begin some time in the next few weeks. And yes, it will have ponies.
Is the narrator really you or another character that you made up?
I plugged myself right into the story and followed whatever decisions I would make in a given situation, with a few tweaks here and there to help the narrative move along smoothly and make it a bit more interesting. Like jumping off the balcony to grapple with the shadow dragon, because who in their right mind would seriously consider doing that? Call it pandering to my ego if you want (okay, that's pretty much exactly what it is), but keep in mind that you shouldn't take this thing too seriously anyway. I'm just some random douchebag from California, remember?
How could you reject Rarity like that? What gives?
Putting aside all notions of bestiality, there's still the issue of pedophilia. I'm not really sure how old the ponies are supposed to be, but they're definitely too young at this point. Even with the massive amount of shipping fiction, they're just not mature enough. Sure, Luna was interested too, but that's another can of worms entirely.
Also worth noting is that they're all cartoon characters. I'm not a cartoon character, and I'm pretty confident that you aren't either. Imagine for a moment that you have a sister and she tells you one day that she's going steady with Spongebob Squarepants. Actually, that might be a bad example because that would be fucking awesome. (Hey look! A pun!) But I think you know what I mean.
How did you come up with the idea for this fanfic?
I was partially inspired by a few other Human in Equestria stories, namely “Through the Eyes of Another Pony” and “Adventures in Equestria.” I also drew inspiration from Mark Twain's A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court (note the similarity of the titles and the reference in the previous chapter) and the movie Army of Darkness. Eventually, those pieces all came together and I turned the resulting thoughts into the story that you just read.
You're a dick.
That's not really a question. Duly noted anyway.
Now that we've got those all answered, on to the acknowledgments!
Special thanks to the team who brought us My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, including Lauren Faust, Chris Bartleman, James “Wootie” Wotton, and the rest. I highly doubt that any of them will ever read this, but if for some reason they do, let me just say that the show is absolutely incredible and I'm really looking forward to the rest of season 2 and beyond.
Also, a massive wave of thanks to websites such as FIMFiction and Equestria Daily, as well as the amazing online brony fandom in general. Who would think that a cartoon for little girls could bring about so many awesome things?
Finally, a very special thank-you to you, the reader. As of this writing, my story has over twelve thousand total views—that's about fifteen thousand more than I'd been expecting—and the responses have been overwhelmingly positive. Without you, this thing wouldn't exist.
If I had to use a metaphor to describe what you all are to me, I'd say that you're like a bunch of meat and my story is two slices of bread. Bread is alright, but it's not really a sandwich until it has little pieces of dead animals in the middle. If you don't like that metaphor, refer back to the last question that I addressed.
Until next time, BROHOOF!!!
(Also, start using “stud stamp” instead of “cutie mark” when it's a male pony. It's a pet peeve of mine, and I will use my 1337 int3rn3t p0w3rz to exert my will over yours!)