Cultural Artifacts

by Dan_s Comments


19) What Did the Plants Say?

Dan's Comments

Cultural Artifacts - What Did the Plants Say?

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Day 31

        Rainbow Dash, still wet and cold, ran from the library and searched the skies around Ponyville. She managed to get airborne despite the wet wings and circled, searching for Derpy or the Big Guy. What she saw concerned her.

        "Hello, Rainbow Dash," Spitfire asked as the Captain of the Wonderbolts formed up on her wing. "Aren't you supposed to be above the clouds when you make them rain?"

        "Zeeboo hart squee," Rainbow managed. She collected herself and explained, "I was having a little problem that somebody decided a bucket of ice water was the solution."

        "You shouldn't go looking in the mirror so long right after getting up," Spitfire said.

        Rainbow worriedly looked at the Wonderbolt Captain, and saw her grinning. Rainbow relaxed. "Oh, I don't know, looking at the most awesome thing in Equestria is a great way to wake up."

        Spitfire nodded. "Frankly, I wanted to hear about the progress with those aerial maneuvers you sent me the note about," Spitfire said.

        Rainbow nearly dropped out of the sky, but quickly climbed back to fly alongside Spitfire. "Ah, heh, heh, about that."

        "You forgot," Spitfire said neutrally.

        Rainbow wished Nightmare Moon would return, just to stab her in the heart. The simple acceptance of her failure hurt worse than someone screaming at her would have.

        Her dejection was interrupted by Derpy's happy squeal as she sailed between them and raced off. She was still in human form, had somehow acquired the Big Guy, and was carrying him in her arms and legs. Her tail stretched out behind her.

        "Woo hoo," Fluttershy said as she flew after them.

        Spitfire was staring after the trio as they flew away. She pointed a hoof after them as Soarin' raced after the trio. She took off her goggles, blinked a few times and watched the trio pull away from a Wonderbolt. "Uhm, do I want to know?" she asked Rainbow.

        Rainbow broke out of her facehoof and looked at her fellow pegasus. "They're having a relationship moment."

        "How does that explain Fluttershy outrunning Soarin'?" Spitfire asked. Her eyes tracked the flight of the group and she realized they were flying almost straight up, and leaving the Wonderbolt behind.

        "Fluttershy's a better flier than most ponies give her credit for," Rainbow said, "Not as good as me, but still, really good." Rainbow smiled, and struggled to hold it against the probing gaze of her idol.

        Spitfire relented. "At least that explains the delay in keeping your promise."

        Rainbow relaxed. "What exactly are you here for?"

        "Oh, me and Soarin' got an invitation to a party. Supposed to be a big shindig," the Wonderbolt Captain said as she flew. "And we can 'put on a display or not as we felt best'. Not having to 'perform' is a welcome bit. Plus, out of our uniforms, who'd recognize us?"

        "I would!" Rainbow insisted.

        "Would you?" Spitfire teased.

        Rainbow had the awful feeling she'd just dug herself a very deep hole.


        Cunning Ruler seemed almost disheveled as he walked into Celestia's 'day office', where she caught up on business too private or too politically sensitive to conduct at court. Here, there were no spyholes, no gallery of hidden watchers, and powerful anti-eavesdropping spells.

        The young stallion set the books wrapped in brown paper on her desk, and backed away as if they were on fire. "These I believe are the books you asked for, and in my opinion, they are the best of the lot," he managed. His expression was that of a stallion who'd seen too much and gone too far.

        "Thank you, Ruler," Celestia said cheerfully, "I trust you learned something from the books."

        The stallion opened his mouth to reply, but whatever assurances, smart remarks or even desperate pleas for mercy were planned, nothing came out. He settled himself and bowed.

        "Wondering why my friend would want such books?" she asked.

        The self-assumed 'expert' on the scene of Canterlot bowed his head and shook it. "Your Highness, I had no idea."

        Every generation thinks they invented sex. Ignoring the obvious proof to the contrary, Celestia thought.

        "I'm glad you enjoyed reading them," Celestia said, "It's always good to develop a broader understanding of things."

        "Your Highness," he said softly, "I am not entirely sure I needed that much broadening."

        "Well, I'm sure you have a marefriend or two to go see." She hid her smile at his little wince. "I need to get these to a friend."

        He turned. "You aren't keeping those books yourself?" he asked incredulously, "I thought that 'my friend' was just for public consumption."

        "Oh no, these are for a friend," she told him cheerfully, "Stallions break so easily if they aren't properly prepared." She smiled.

        He retreated as fast as decorum allowed, bowing at every step. He didn't break into a gallop until he was out of sight.

        I do hope he doesn't take an oath of celibacy, she thought, That would be a shame.

        She added the books to the small pile of supplementary materials she'd collected. She grinned widely as she thought, I wonder if Pinkie realizes the other reason she wanted to get these books. She snickered at the thought of the party mare discovering the truth.


        Twilight found Zecora staring at the flowers of the Big Guy's apple tree. "Welcome Twilight Sparkle, I knew the tree would draw you soon, watch as the flowers track both sun and moon."

        Twilight looked and every one of the blossoms was pointed directly at the sun overhead. "They track the moon as well," Twilight lamented, "I should have been out here watching. But things have been so crazy around here." She hung her head.

        "Twilight Sparkle," Zecora chided, "Would not your friend, see such a thing and not attend? Notes abounding during the night I take, to discuss with you when you're awake."

        Twilight raised her head and grinned. "Thanks," Twilight said relieved, "Applebloom took the pollen of Zap Apples and the pollen of Celestia's Golden Apples, and transferred them to the Big Guy's tree as a 'nonmagical substrate'. I think that there's enough magic in the tree as it is."

        "Are the apples from those lovely flowers, for eating or for fearing in the witching hours?" Zecora asked.

        "Attack of the Killer Apples? I think Applejack would herd them together and corral them," Twilight said, then sighed as she realized what she needed to discuss. "Zecora, the Big Guy revealed to me that my library, and your tree, might be part of a fallen civilization of plants. She sent me a letter telling me she was confident I could handle this."

        "Only one 'she' could drive you to such despair, the Princess gave you the tangle to keep in your hair?" Zecora asked.

        Twilight nodded.

        "Tea," Zecora said and led Twilight back towards the library.


        She looked over the decoration going up and the food tables being set up all over the town hall. All in preparation for the big party. But that wasn't why she was sweating and shivering like an addict gone cold turkey. Hold it together Pinkie Pie, the party mare urged herself, You don't absolutely, positively, explicitly, have to know who the party is for, Pinkie thought as she looked at the decorations being assembled in the town hall. Their color scheme could have been any of her friends, in fact it duplicated over a dozen of them including her own. Birthday? No. Anniversary? No. Cutesenara? No. What kind of party is it? she wanted to scream.

        "Pinkie Pie," Mrs. Cake said, breaking through her thoughts, "The banner is here, where do you want it."

        "Banner!" Pinkie brightened as she asked, "Where's the banner?"

        "Over there, the collection of flags, I guess you string them on a rope to spell something out."

        Pinkie's eyes widened. He did that on purpose! Pinkie wanted to shout, Calm, calm. She trotted over to the growing pile. Each flag was a single letter, and each was done in a slightly different way. Several older mares had knitted theirs, others were dyed on cloth, others looked woven. But they all were exactly the same size, with metal-grommet reinforced holes in the same place. I remember seeing the 'design', but I never thought you could give a job like this to fifty ponies and get parts so similar that they could be interchanged, Pinkie considered and suddenly realized she had no idea what the message that the banners spelled out would have been.

        "Thank you Mrs. Cake, I think the Big Guy will have to string them," she said. Once Mrs. Cake was out of sight Pinkie danced and growled in frustration.

        He's trying to keep a party I'm working on secret! And he's succeeding! she thought through her short tantrum and stopped to focus. Still plenty of work to do, she reminded herself.

        "Oh, cupcakes, raspberry-filled, it must be for Rainbow Dash! Muffins, banana walnut, it must be for Derpy! Rarity hates apple-cinnamon bagels, so it can't be for all the ponies in the whole town, or even just the bearers," she realized as she looked at the baked goods and confections pouring in from everyone in small batches. There's a lot of stuff, but not a huge amount of any one thing, Pinkie thought in frustration, That doesn't tell me anything about who the party is for!

        "You hammerin' nails back in the floor? Or is that dancin'?" Applejack asked as she handed off the plates and piles of apple treats she and the other Apples had brought in.

        "Who is this party for?" Pinkie said, and snorted like a bull.

        "Isn't it all right that we all have a good time?" Applejack asked, "Isn't that what a party is fer?"

        "But I have to know!" Pinkie explained, then whined, "Can't you tell me?"

        "Pinkie," Applejack drew close and whispered, "I know somepony who knows exactly who this is fer. All ya gotta do is ask."

        "Really?!" Pinkie brightened and asked, "Who? Please, please, please, please, puuuulleeeeessse tell me?" she held Applejack's ankles and begged.

        "The Big Guy, why don't you ask him?" Applejack asked.

        Pinkie signed as she stood up. "I've tried that, either there's a pony with a zipper for a mouth, or he won't tell."

        "Tell what?" Celestia asked as she gathered both ponies together with her wings and hugged them. "Maybe it's a naming party for Luna's new foal." She stared at the two stunned ponies. "Is there something stuck in my teeth?" Celestia asked with mock horror.

        "Uh, who's on the throne?" Pinkie asked worriedly as Luna escorted her new filly, whose wobbly steps took her towards dozens of new and fascinating things.

        "Cadence, she needs the experience, and Shining Armor can comfort her afterwards," Celestia said, then they realized she was not wearing any of her regalia, nor was Luna. When she noted the staring, she explained, "We're here as friends, not as Princesses. In fact, I get to help with the banner."

        Pinkie immediately perked up. "So you know who it's for?"

        "I know the numbers of the flags that have to be in order," Celestia said, "So I could puzzle it out."

        Pinkie sighed, even her hair seemed to exhale. "I think this is going to be a long afternoon."

        "Well," Celestia offered, "Is there anyone in Ponyville who wasn't asked to help?"

        Pinkie considered. "Not really."

        "Then maybe it's for everyone in Ponyville," Celestia offered.

        Pinkie grinned at the thought of a party for everypony. "Naw," she said and walked off to help set up more of the bunting that looked like Rarity's and Applejack's tails in a knot rather than a more elegant draping.

        "You know, don't you your Highness," Applejack said.

        "Celestia, please, I am 'out of uniform'," she offered.

        "Yes'm, Celestia, you know who the party is for, don't you?" Applejack asked.

        "Think like Discord for a moment, and it becomes obvious," Celestia suggested.

        Applejack's eyes crossed, then she giggled.

        "You know!" Pinkie said as she appeared beside them.

        "And so do you," Celestia said, "Excuse me, I have a banner to work on."

        Applejack and Pinkie watched in amazement as the Princess sorted through the individual flags.

        "I think the party is for her, to 'get to' work like an ordinary pony," Pinkie Pie whispered to Applejack, who nodded her agreement.

        "And Luna," Applejack amended. She sighed and headed towards the food tables to help set up.

        Pinkie Pie considered the flock of foals around Luna and her child. Dinky and the Crusaders were keeping everypony at a short distance to not overwhelm the foal. Pinkie looked from Princess to Princess and decided she did sort of know.


        "That is what heros are for," the wizard on the screen said.

        The hero looked at the huge red bull driving the unicorn into the sea. "That is exactly what heros are for."

        The screen went blank and Celly looked around the living room. "I was watching that!" she insisted as she spotted Woona with the remote.

        "You were moping," Woona accused, "That's the second time you've watched that depressing movie all the way through. Seeing too many similarities, Amalthea?" Woona asked, "Should I check the freezer to see if you've eaten all the ice cream, or maybe you ate all the cake mixes?"

        "That's not funny," Celly said as she stood up from the couch and shut off the rest of the set up and looked out the French doors to the caverns beyond.

        "Celly, he didn't reject you. I haven't turned against you. Derpy needed some time with him. Alone, without all of us watching. They're both adults, what they do together is none of our business."

        Celly bowed her head and pawed at the carpet with a hoof. "I know it's selfish, but I was hoping to be first." Celly looked back at Woona. "That he'd be with me, before anyone else."

        "You mean aside from the mother of his children? Proof you're thinking like a teenager. Which is why he hasn't taken advantage. He's probably pining for you to be old enough, then he'll sweep you off your feet and into the clouds," Woona said theatrically as she swooped about the living room and acted out the entire drama.

        "Gee, I just do not know how to thank you," Celly replied.

        "Glad to help," Woona said as she landed, "But we should be getting ready for the party. How long have they been gone?"

        "Three hours and twelve minutes," Celly said.

        Woona stopped. "Three hours? Three hours? How could they, for three hours?"

        Celly glared at Woona. "I do not know. But I wanted to find out."

        "Ah," Woona said, "I'll go 'show the flag' at the party set up myself," Woona offered as she backed away from Celly. "Three hours?" she asked as she departed, "And twelve minutes?"

        Celly flopped back down on the couch and glared at the television. I should help at the party, she thought morosely, Why am I so jealous that I feel like crying? After last night this was inevitable. And the day after, it's obvious what they're doing, then the thought that was really bothering her struck, And they've been doing it for three hours!

        The arrival of a laughing, happy cluster did nothing to brighten her mood. The addition of Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy did not help Celly's mood. They were openly laughing and nuzzling Derpy, who despite wearing his shirt tied up to keep her wings free, was back in ponyform. The two Wonderbolts, Soarin' and Spitfire, also part of the laughing pack answered the question in a thoroughly paranoid manner. The smiles and tiredness of the Big Guy put the nail in the coffin of Celly's hopes. That's what took three hours, she thought unhappily, No, I won't ruin Derpy's fun, no matter how I feel.

        "You might have warned me," he accused, as the pegasi recognized the tone, they burst out in laughter.

        "Warned you?" Celly asked miserably.

        What, that once Derpy accepted you, the others might move you into the 'intriguing' class? she thought woefully.

        "Pegasi prefer to mate in midair, 'The Best Foals are Air Foals'," he said mirthfully, "Talk about a mile-high club. But when they take a non-flying lover, they need to train a non-flier/non-cloud walker how to fall. Specifically, how to fall so a pegasus can rescue them easily."

        "Fall?" Celly asked in confusion.

        "Yes, Derpy picked me up and went racing around Ponyville at low level, and took me up at altitude and showed me how to spread my arms and legs to slow my fall and give a pegasus a convenient, stable target." The Big Guy stopped and cocked his head. "Why?" He grinned. "What did you think we were doing all that time?"

        Celly just stared at him, but felt herself blushing more, and more, and more.

        Derpy gave out a squeal and ran around slapping her butt with her wings and tail as if it were on fire. As Celly blush deepened, Derpy explained to the others, who looked from Celly to the Big Guy and all started laughing. Then Fluttershy made a comment and a gesture to encompass the entire group. Followed by stunned amazement, a stare at the Big Guy and more laughter. Rainbow even pounded the floor as she fell over laughing.

        "I appreciate the compliment on my stamina, but all of them, for three hours? Even with magic, is that even possible?" he asked.

        When Celly blushed even more, he added softly, "That's why I haven't take you up on your overtures. Your hormones are doing all the talking, you aren't thinking straight."

        She watched as he was suddenly surrounded by sighing ponies, all looking up at him dreamily. Derpy was fine, as was Fluttershy, Rainbow made him a little concerned, Spitfire ramped it up, and Soarin' resting his head against the Big Guy's hip and sighing seemed to appall the Big Guy.

        He picked Rainbow as his target. He grinned evilly and wiggled his fingers at the brash pegasus, who promptly squeaked, jumped away and tried to hide her hooves under her body and wings. The mare looked absolutely mortified, despite the friendly laughter from the others.

        "There's always tickling," he told Celly, then relented, "We were just out having fun. Yes, Derpy wanted to find out what various kinds of pony day-to-day intimacy felt like. Nuzzling. Kissing. Hugs. Even biting. And I think Spitfire was shocked when her bite drew blood. It was a date, with a pack of rambunctious chaperones, who despite every encouragement to go the route you're afraid of, did more to delay their cause than advance it." He grinned and wiggled his fingers at Celly. "You could have joined us, if moping wasn't so satisfying. 'Oh my gosh, I'm not with the cool kids! My life is over!'" he wailed, then looked at the pegasi, "They're your friends. They won't begrudge you a chance to play. Frankly, it would make 'Princess' Celestia jealous, and you just want to blow past it into everybody putting you back on the shelf because you're too royal to play with? That's the part that nobody gets. Enjoy being a kid, and doing kid things. As soon as they think you're an adult, and especially a 'respectable' one, what you can do for fun changes dramatically." He laughed. "I think that's one of the reasons to have kids. A lone adult running around like a maniac is looked on with scorn. The same adult playing with their kids brings smiles to all around."

        Some of the others were laughing now. Rainbow miming a screaming pony falling through space. Followed by more laughter.

        "I can just imagine how you would have reacted if I told you Twilight was out there too," he said, and joined in the laughter at Celly's horrified expression.


        "Then he kicked me off the cloud, again!" Twilight stood just inside the doorway to the hall and complained to her friends, and her mentor.

        "Oh dear, how horrible for you," Rarity offered, gently stroking Twilight's mane to calm the overexcited unicorn. "Having to wonder which of the four, finest rescue ponies in Equestria would swoop down to collect you. And the absolute gall to accompany you on the first fall so you would know how to fall correctly. Rather than letting you scream in helpless terror and knocking your rescuers unconscious." Rarity sighed theatrically. "One just doesn't get an opportunity to savor falling to one's death, if you know you'll be rescued and how to make it easy."

        Applejack let out a little snort of laughter at Twilight's slow burn at Rarity. Celestia simply watched, her expression one step below an explosion, anger or laughter was anypony's guess. The unicorns' glares at each other caused little sparks between the frowning scholar and grinning fashionista.

        "But he promised not to do it, he Pinkie promised, and he booted me off the cloud a third time," Twilight grumbled.

        "He broke a Pinkie Promise?" Pinkie announced as she appeared beside the four. Around them the party preparations continued. Pinkie was looking a good deal more frazzled than usual. "He broke a Pinkie Promise," she hissed.

        "Now hold on Sugarcube," Applejack interjected, "How'd y'all know he was Pinkie Promisin'?"

        "And how did you determine he knew exactly what you were asking him to promise?" Rarity asked.

        Twilight had been ready to regale them with the details, then realized the problem. "Rainbow was lecturing him, after they swooped down and collected both of us, the second time. He nodded, and made the signs of a Pinkie Promise, and said something."

        "Rainbow Dash was complaining?" Celestia said, and considered with her hoof under her chin, "He might have thought she was complaining that he hadn't made it challenging enough. After all, aerial rescue is what got Rainbow noticed by the Wonderbolts in the first place. And if she'd trained other Ponyville pegasi to do it to her high standard, it would be a good way to show off in front of the Wonderbolts. And they were there in case anything went wrong. That Derpy was training her lover before cloud-cuddling is an excellent sign that the lead pegasus of Ponyville had put her stamp on the others."

        "Fluttershy did rescue me both times, and Derpy caught the Big Guy. Rainbow watched Fluttershy, and the Wonderbolts split up," Twilight admitted, calming down. Pinkie likewise accepted the explanation and reduced her promise-broken rage. "Thank you, your Highness."

        "Twilight, for now it's just 'Celestia'," her mentor said and nuzzled the mare. "Or he could have been being mean and promised to boot you off the cloud again."

        " 'I solemnly swear I'm up to no good,'" Rarity said and giggled, "Well, you are so adorable when you panic." She leaned close and whispered, "Maybe he was trying to set you up with a nice stallion. Soarin' is quite yummy, isn't he?"

        Twilight changed from purple to violet very quickly. Rarity left before Twilight could decide if she were more embarrassed or angry.

        "He might want you for himself," Pinkie offered, "He did jump off the cloud that first time, to make sure you'd be safe."

        Pinkie left as a mortified Twilight stared at her happily pronking friend.

        "A rude way to court you." Celestia patted Twilight's shoulder. "But then you haven't been expressive about this in the past, and my other self might be giving him bad advice," Celestia commented, and walked away to see to the banner.

        "He'll treat ya right when it matters," Applejack told her, and put a comradely hoof on her shoulders, "But ya gotta tell him when it matters." Applejack winked and withdrew to see to her part of the set ups.

        Twilight's hair stood on end as she marched up and confronted Rarity. "Have you all gone crazy?"

        "Well, you don't see him lavishing all that attention on Rainbow Dash, or the mayor," Rarity said, then sighed, "Or a beautiful unicorn who wonders about a brave knight sweeping her off her feet." Rarity glared at Twilight, then relented. "I should be jealous, but I do hope for the best. He'll keep you out of trouble." Rarity walked away.

        Spike approached, and jumped back a step as Twilight's gaze fell on him. "Are you okay?"

        "Every. Pony. In this. Town. Is crazy," Twilight quietly bit off every word.

        "Ah, don't you live here too?" Spike pointed out.

        Twilight's eyes crossed and she giggled. She kept giggling as she walked towards the entrance to the hall. She was outside when Spike dumped the bucket of ice water on her.

        Derpy, Celly and the Big Guy began rubbing her with dry towels.

        "Maybe we should add her to the herd," Derpy thought aloud, "She needs a keeper."

        Twilight giggled again from inside the fluffy mass.


        Woona trotted happily through the mass of ponies. Which ones were setting up for the party and which ones were simply there to enjoy the party was hard to determine. She couldn't figure out why Celestia was touching the noses of other ponies and saying 'beep', but Woona let it go. She had another Princess as her target.

        Luna was there, with her foal. The creature spawned of Nightmare and mad Celestia's horn. No wonder Discord likes that guy, he's twice as irregular, and he's got style, Woona thought as she looked at a face mirroring her own, but as full of joy as she could ever remember. The guards are nearly as adorable as the foal herself, she added as Dinky and the Cutie Mark Crusaders let only a couple of ponies close to the foal to keep her from being overwhelmed. A few guards in plainclothes also kept a professional eye on things.

        "Good afternoon, your Highness," Woona said, and projected the words in glowing script over her head.

        The Lunar Diarch considered closely, then replied with Equestrian words and script. "Good morrow, Duke Woona."

        Close, close enough, she thought and considered her next words carefully.

        "Your foal seems very healthy and grows quickly," Woona said and projected.

        Luna giggled slightly, and noted that the characters Woona had used for 'grow quickly' were used as the name of a fast-growing weed. The weed had beautiful flowers, but was otherwise useless.

        Woona shrugged. "At least we can start communicating," Woona replied and projected her 'supertitles'. She nodded to the Big Guy, who with Lyra, Derpy and Bonbon, was escorting Twilight towards the drinks table. "His idea, still has bugs in it."

        Luna chuckled again.

        The squawk of laughter from Lyra, followed by a swat on the Big Guy's rump by Bonbon's tail made the recipient of the attention grin. Twilight was looking very confused by the situation.

        Pinkie also let out a squawk as she lifted into the air, courtesy of Rarity's horn. 'I just wanted to read the banner!' Luna translated Pinkie's protest. Then added Rarity's response of 'Nope.' Rarity carried her friend away from temptation.

        Luna started chuckling at that. Woona crouched down on the floor as the foal tottered over, staring intently at Woona, or more accurately, Woona's ears. Woona flicked them and the little foal collapsed in gleeful hysterics. She played that way for a while, letting the foal sober up, before flicking her ears and sending the little one into gales of laughter.

        I feel no presence of Nightmare, nor of mad Celestia. It's as if this creature has the potential of both, swept clean of their taint and madness. There is the ferocious intellect, and the joy of just being alive. She smiled at the little foal and wished she could be that carefree.

        The mayor cleared her throat, then again. Pinkie bounced into the air and angrily shouted something while hanging at the apex of her leap.

        And Rainbow Dash thinks she is a good flier, Woona noted, Let her fly without wings.

        The mayor nervously thanked Pinkie and continued on for some moments gesturing to Celestia, Luna, the Big Guy, then Celly and Woona. Each smiled and nodded to the mayor, there was polite applause. The mayor continued talking, and in the background, Pinkie was giving every indication of a volcano ready to explode.

        How long can she hang on? Woona wondered as the mare struggled with some inner daemon.


        Pinkie's curiosity, and her utter frustration were warring with her self-control. Some ponies would have assumed she had no self-control, but she had. Some things are just too important, she thought, But did he have to hide who the party is for SO THOROUGHLY? she wanted to scream. Celestia herself had assembled the banner, and chased off everypony who tried to peek. Although the peekers had been limited to one, unusually resourceful pony.

        Birthday? It's no pony's birthday today. Anniversary? Nope, not that. Foreign holiday? There was nothing on his calendar. The goodbye party for Trixie took place. And I don't think she'll be back soon. Naming Luna's foal? He didn't know when it would be born.

        She strained every sinew not to hop up and down in frustration. "Hngggmm!!" she groaned as she tried to stay still and quiet, to let the mayor finish her speech. A delay would delay the disclosure.

        "Easy Sugarcube, you're gonna throw a shoe," Applejack whispered as she stepped up to Pinkie.

        "I have to know!" Pinkie quietly whined.

        "You'll know in a few moments," Applejack said.

        "That's too late," Pinkie whispered back.

        "Y'all don't look like Rainbow Dash," Applejack replied quietly, "You'll just have to settle for a tie."

        The mayor commanded the banner be raised, and froze as Celestia backed up with the pull rope clenched in her teeth. The mayor stammered the words as letter after letter appeared. She was clearly uncomfortable with the Solar Diarch doing manual labor.

        "'Happy Unbirthday Ponyville'?" Pinkie asked as she read the three tiers of hanging letters. The epiphany that bloomed in front of her was a gift better than most birthday presents.

        "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" she shouted as she bounced into the air, and somehow managed to miss the people still on the ground as she bounced among them. She found herself facing the Big Guy after narrowly not landing on him. She forced her boundless enthusiasm aside for a moment. She motioned him down, and she stood on her hind legs and very gently hugged him. "Thank you, I never thought how to have a party when it wasn't somepony's special day. A day before or day after party always felt like cheating," she said quietly.

        She released him. "And this one is for everypony!" she shouted as she returned to bouncing happily among the crowd.


        Woona could only laugh at the insanity. Considering the stunt he pulled on Twilight, I should have realized he was pulling one on Pinkie Pie. One advantage of me concentrating on Trixie's wagon. I could stand back and watch the amazement, she thought happily as the other ponies began sampling the goodies, and peeling off to play party games. She smiled to Princess Celestia and nodded to her.

        I've still got a mission. she thought as she approached the Big Guy. The crowd of ponies around him was a mismatched bunch. Derpy and Lyra seemed pleased, Bonbon looked grudging, Celly uncertain. But Trixie's absence, it's like a missing tooth, Woona thought. Woona had noted a few ponies who were not pleased with the Big Guy. Bonbon was looking warily at them. She may not like him, Woona thought, But Lyra's family, and no one messes with that one's family. She grinned at that thought. Poor Bonbon, so alike, and yet so different.

        "Luna commented that they are wondering if you'd want to have a hand in naming Luna's foal," Woona said.

        The Big Guy considered. "Selene is the name of an ancient moon goddess, it sounds a little like 'Celestia' so it would bring her under both their wings," he said.

        "Sounds like you've been thinking about it," Woona accused.

        "Oh, now you're ruining my reputation for omniscience," he replied peevishly.

        "I'm the one who built that wagon based on your blueprints," Luna replied, "I know all about 'planning'. Still, it is a good idea." Woona considered and rubbed her chin with her hoof. "And the name doesn't mean anything in Equestria, I just hope I can transmit it."

        "So the subtitling works?" he asked.

        "There's some linguistic drift, but it hasn't caused a diplomatic incident yet," she replied. She perked up and looked over. "Is it starting?"

        "Yep, the ultimate battle of ultimate destiny," he replied as they ambled over. "Celestia facing Pinkie Pie. No bars held."

        "It amazes me that they think Pinkie Pie has a chance," Woona said as she walked over.

        "It amazes me," Celly said as she joined them, "That ponies are acting like Celestia only has a chance."

        "You could even things up, make it three-way," he told her.

        "I don't think there's enough for that," Celly admitted, then took to the air to get a better view.

        He lifted Woona to ride on his shoulders. Derpy had taken Dinky airborne to get a better view. The Big Guy's superior height let them see across the sea of ponies to the raised dias on which the two combatants stood. A team from Sweet Apple Acres, the Cakes, and the berry farms stood ready to replace the weapons. The schedule was set so no real advantage could be given. Celestia stood, proud, serene, supremely confident. Pinkie's hyperactivity seemed her only balance. Considering their size differences, the smaller, pink mare shouldn't have stood a chance. But ponies were offering Celestia encouragement. She smiled at them.

        Enjoying their support in finally being the clear underdog in a contest, Woona thought and smiled at that.

        The table was set on the dias, and the covers removed. Celestia dove into the chocolate cake with abandon, while Pinkie Pie ate hers in one gulp. It was replaced with a berry pie, and that disappeared. An angel food cake appeared and disappeared as Celestia started in on the berry pie.

        The Solar Diarch managed to maintain a certain dignity as she fell further and further behind Pinkie Pie.

        But it's final amount, not speed that will decide this, and Pinkie is barely chewing, just swallowing. I think we're going to need a bucket brigade when it finally catches up to her, she thought as she watched.


        Bonbon had detached from Lyra while Celestia battled Pinkie in a cake/pie eating contest. She saw the others who weren't happy with their guest's continued presence. Or his familiarity with the miniDiarchs. The hostile glances they were throwing around marked them as clearly as a coat of paint.

        "What are you idiots doing?" Bonbon asked pointedly. She verified that most attention was still focused on the contest. "Did every single one of you forget the plan?"

        "How can you stand to be in the same house with him?" Stardust Sprinkle asked, the unicorn flipped her mane in a nervous gesture.

        "The agreement was, that we'd make him understand his family was safe, and let his own curiosity take him away from Ponyville. The pack of you glowering at everyone like a pack of Timberwolves is not helping, and what was that idiot who kept painting 'Monster Go Home' on his door thinking? That's only going to make him dig in more."

        "You act like we can't drive him out," Stardust said, and got nods from the others, "And who put you in charge?"

        "Common sense. You want to drive him out? He's still got enough bullets for all of you. And if you threaten his family, he'll use them," Bonbon retorted and resisted an impulse to clobber the morons who were ruining the plan, "But let him know his family is safe, and his own wanderlust and curiosity will pull him out. With Trixie already traveling, he will have at least one friend on the road. And better, he'll think it's his idea. Yes, he'll visit, but that's all it will be, visits. And can't we live with those?"

        "Better the Princesses take him," Shoeshine said haughtily.

        "Oh yes, great idea. The only reason they aren't at war is he's figured out they didn't really mean it, all the times they hurt him. What are you? Dense? You've got a monster who isn't worried about Tirek or Nightmare Moon, and you want to antagonize him? Or try to frighten him. Good luck. I'll be hiding behind him with Lyra until the shooting stops. He isn't Zecora, and that worked out so well once Twilight came to town."

        "He doesn't belong here," Stardust said.

        "Then send him home, but if you try to drive him out of Ponyville, he'll dig in harder, like a tick. You should have figured that out in the month that he's been here," Bonbon said disgustedly. "You want your way to work. Quit selling him food, and to Derpy, and to Lyra, and to me. Then he'll know he isn't welcome. But then you won't be able to cheat him anymore either."

        Stardust growled at that, but held her tongue.

        "Fine, you keep going the way you're going. You'll never be rid of him. I'm going to stick with Redheart's plan, nopony gets hurt and everypony think they're winning," Bonbon said and marched away.

        Lyra cut her way out of the crowd and approached her marefriend. "Where'd you wander off to?" Lyra asked and glanced at the ponies who were glowering at everypony.

        "I've seen Pinkie eat," Bonbon said and nuzzled Lyra.

        Lyra stuck out her tongue at Bonbon. "I just had a thought. You always wanted to chase around. Maybe you could get the Big Guy to do it."

        "What?" Bonbon nearly squealed.

        "Sure," Lyra whispered as she leaned close. "I think you like to be scared, and he could do it for you. Get you all revved up the way you like."

        "You're a pervert," Bonbon told her.

        The horrible thing is, she's right. Just thinking about what he'd do if, when he caught me, gives me all kinds of shivers. And if Lyra showed up when I'd 'lost' and was so afraid, she thought and shivered at the thought. She saw Lyra practically beaming at her. Now who's the pervert? Bonbon wondered.

        "So that's why you put up with me!" Lyra 'realized'.

        Bonbon snorted, but let her friend lead her to the taffy-pulling.


        "Wow, they grow'em cute in Ponyville," the pink pegasus mare with the brilliant green mane said as she looked over Rainbow Dash. Rainbow stepped back from the gaze and lip lick that clearly said 'I am going to eat you'.

        "You're scarin' her," the light brown pegasus stallion with the cerulean blue mane told the mare. The pair still circled Rainbow like a pair of sharks. "She's probably one of those 'tough' mares. With ticklish hoovsies."

        Rainbow nearly squawked, but kept turning to keep the pair in view as they circled her.

        "I heard tell, they were playing toss-and-catch with the Ponyville human, until the human started tickling hooves," the pink mare said lasciviously, "Then cute-stuff here was too busy squealing to make the catch. Big yellow had to do the heavy lifting."

        "Maybe we should see if she can squeak," the stallion said.

        Rainbow noted that all her friends were watching Celestia and Pinkie, or otherwise occupied. She steeled herself. They weren't trying to hurt her. But they were alarming her.

        "Told you she wouldn't recognize us," the mare said and dropped the fillie fatale act.

        "Sp - Spitfire!?" Rainbow gasped, "But you're, and he's, and you aren't, what did you do to your coats and manes?"

        "We're here to have fun, not sign autographs all night," Spitfire said as she walked towards Applejack's stand. "And even you didn't recognize us. We'll just bunk out somewhere else tonight."

        Rainbow was about to deny she hadn't been fooled, when a glance from Spitfire stopped her. "Yeah, you fooled me," Rainbow admitted.

        "We were supposed to," Soarin' said, "So, what was that fight over the Everfree like? I had to sit out all but the last part."

        "Scary," Rainbow admitted as she walked beside Soarin' to where Spitfire waited, "We could hear him, and the monsters, but we couldn't see them."

        "Weird," Soarin' admitted.


        "It ain't natural, it just ain't natural!" Applebloom proclaimed as she watched the impossible happen again.

        She'd spun him and spun him and spun him. And while he wobbled a bit when he walked. The Big Guy always found his way to the pin the tail on the pony poster, and stuck in the pin unerringly.

        "That's just spooky," Sweetie Belle agreed as the Big Guy took off the blindfold and handed it back to the girls. "That's three for three."

        Scootaloo was turning the strip of cloth over and over in her hooves as she considered the problem. "You don't suppose he can see through it, do you?" She held it up to the light and tried to see any gaps.

        "Well, next pony gets a turn," Applebloom said as she tied a blindfold around Twist's head and started spinning her. She glanced over her shoulder at 'the two Johnnies' who seemed to be having a good time handing out various apple treats to the party goers.

        "You okay?" Sweetie Belle asked as Twist wobbled towards the wall.

        "Look out," Scootaloo called, warned Diamond Tiara of the pin-carrying Twist approaching.

        Applebloom returned to Sweetie Belle's question. "It feels weird. They know almost everything about Sweet Apple Acres, about planting and watering, about which pig is surly to get up and which tree needs extra oomph in the buck. But I never met them 'afore in my life, and I can't get those two things to line up."

        "They're your folks," Scootaloo suggested as Twist pinned the tail on a post.

        "No, they aren't, my folks are gone," Applebloom said, "It's like the stories of those critters who take a pony's form and walk around like'em."

        "Double-trotters? Those are just a myth," Sweetie Belle said and made spooky sounds.

        "Like 'hooomans'," Applebloom made spooky sounds of her own, "One right over there."

        "But humans are weird things," Scootaloo said, "He's, almost normal."

        "I think Lyra was guessing' about humans," Applebloom said, "But it was the other Apples I was talkin' about."

        "Gangway!" Rarity called as she levitated a very green Pinkie Pie past everyone and outside.

        "I think Princess Celestia is gonna win that contest," Scootaloo said, "She's nine pies and five cakes behind Pinkie, but she's still going."

        "You wanna go watch Pinkie Pie?" Snips called as he charged past.

        "Eww," Diamond said.

        "For once, I agree completely," Sweetie Belle offered.


        Shining Armor combed out Cadence's frazzled mane as they took a break from the royal duties. They were in a small room behind the throne proper.

        "I think I can sympathize with Blueblood arranging those mass executions," Cadence said, her eyes nearly as wild as her mane, "Would Aunt Celly miss all of them? Just one, maybe two."

        "It would be like eating peanuts, once you start, you couldn't stop," Shining soothed as he ran the comb through her mane, "The Princesses will be back in an hour or two. Besides, Blueblood did all the hard work. He collected them all, sentenced them, so all you'd have to do, is revoke Princess Celestia's blanket pardon."

        "Really?" Cadence said eagerly, "Just poof?" She raised her head and looked happy for the first time in several hours.

        "Just poof," Armor said, "Just keep that in mind for the next couple hours. Everyone of them is just a hoofstamp away from the gallows." Armor considered. "I wonder if that's why Celestia and Luna have been so cheerful lately?"

        "You don't think he did it on purpose, do you?" Cadence asked as she turned to stare at him.

        Armor struggled mightily for several moments. But the risk of giving himself a fatal aneurysm was too great. He burst out laughing at the very idea. Cadence joined in.

        "Oh, that hurts. I'm serious!" Cadence managed, but started laughing again.

        "Think about what you just said," Armor said as he stifled his laughter down to occasional snorts, "Then think about who did it." He nodded as Cadence did just that.

        Both of them burst out laughing again.


        They stood among the activity of clearing the hall. "You're looking wistful," Luna said to Celestia, the newly named Selene Dreamer lay on Luna's back sound asleep. Derpy had shown how to best hold a filly on your back to let your wings hold her, and also minimize bouncing to disturb her sleep. Dinky had been adorably grumpy about being cast as a baby, because she was 'a big filly!'

        Celestia watched the ponies collecting the food and deciding which of Ponyville's more needy it went to. Teams were knocking the tables down. Others taking down the decorations. "It was fun. Fun I haven't had in too many years. Fun competing against my little ponies." She had three gold ribbons and a silver medal from the games she'd participated in. "The best was the six-legged race with my sister," Celestia noted the matching silver medal hanging around Luna's neck. Lyra and Bonbon had won the gold.

        "I think the best was watching my sister eat cake until she nearly burst," Luna admitted and giggled. "And the magic of somehow, not being 'The Princesses' for a little while. Being just a big, strong pony, and being a young mother. I felt, at peace for a while."

        "Me too," Celestia said and nuzzled her sister. She grinned. "Should we torture Cadence some more? I think the Big Guy is planning another movie night."

        "What are we going to watch?" Luna asked.

        "A movie about an event the Big Guy was actually in. A very serious insight into his, I think Woona meant 'character' or maybe 'experience'. It's called The Longest Day."


        "Then Clover the Clever, Smart Cookie, and Private Pansy stood together and their friendship banished the Windingos," Celly said cheerfully, "The ice retreated and the ponies formed a new land." The rest of the group were settling in their chairs. Notably, Pinkie Pie did not have a bucket of popcorn.

        "Uh huh," the Big Guy said, "No offense, but did you take care of them, or were they still around. They might have been useful against Sombra. The Windingos."

        "No, we didn't," Celly said, "But we never saw them again either."

        "So you don't know if there are any more," he said, "Especially here." He hit the play button and sat back in his chair. Derpy laid her head on the arm of the chair, and Dinky settled into his lap.

        Celly settled in. The music was odd, but enjoyable. She felt her ears plaster back against her skull, as the man in the car machine gunned the running man. While the military man collecting the briefcase, she could understand, the dead man's smile was a mystery.

        Around her, the other ponies, the Bearers, their immediate families, and the Big Guy's harem all watched with similar expressions of horror. Only one exception, the Big Guy watched the ponies again.

        "You seem disgustingly pleased with their horror," she quietly accused.

        "Like I said, an insight," he replied, "It'll calm down for quite a while."

        "I can't imagine anything that will top that little scene," Celly said, and felt a terrible chill when he just smiled. She noted the two griffons were as mesmerized as the ponies were.


        "But what happened to the dog?" Fluttershy asked as she and the other Ponyvillians walked out of the door and across the darkened square. Luna's moon was high above and provided enough light they could at least navigate.

        All of them had been shaken by the scenes. Especially the two flying machines attacking the men on the ground. The Big Guy had evidently been on the beach that had been attacked.

        "He must have been so scared by the explosions," the pegasus lamented, "A good dog would try to get back to his master. Would he even be safe in the fortress? The general didn't have him when his car was destroyed."

        "All those humans killing each other, and you worry about the dog?" Rainbow asked.

        "The humans knew what they were getting into," Fluttershy said defensively, "That poor dog was just trying to be a good dog. You didn't see the civilians in the town getting attacked. Everybody who faced the fire knew the fire was there. The horse ran away. The Big Guy lived through it. I was just wondering about the dog."

        "I'm more worried about the message that Woona put on the screen," Spitfire admitted, "Five thousand ships. If they were packed like some of them were, that's a couple of big towns, all soldiers. That's a huge number of troops. Even the migration of dragons would be hard-pressed to deal with that force."

        "Or ships that could make explosions like that," Applejack added, "The ones we saw were big. And they were a long way from the beach. So they were tossin' those explosions a long throw. I don't wanna think what we'd do against a force like that."

        "Die," Big Mac said quietly.

        "There is that," Rarity said, "I know it's silly, but why did only one group have nice uniforms? The others looked so, sloppy."

        Twilight looked at the others. "How did anybody survive any of that?" Twilight asked, "We've all seen a lot, and I think it would have broken us like Discord did."

        "You're assuming it didn't," Fluttershy commented, "He's always seemed a little broken to me. That may be what did it."

        "So then how can you trust him?" Soarin' asked, and to prevent the Stare Fluttershy was building up to, he added, "I don't doubt you can, but you're certain, we're assuming."

        Fluttershy glanced around nervously. "Well, he's like a hurt bear, or an injured, big dog. He wants to be friendly, but sometimes, things just set him off. Things he can't understand. Derpy understands, and she and Dinky are careful. They cuddle with him, and the hurts go away. That make him safer. You didn't see any of those people hurting anyone on their own side, not on purpose. He's like that. If we're on his side, he definitely won't hurt us."

        "What if we're not?" Spitfire asked.

        "Then he'll do what a momma bear does to someone who hurts her cubs," Fluttershy said coldly.

        Spitfire gulped at that, and the implications.


        He'd slipped away from the other ponies as they got ready for bed, and went outside to think. He'd smiled at the rather disturbed expressions on all of them. Their horror at what had been put on the screen, and their greater disturbance when he'd pointed out he'd been there.

        But turnabout is fair play, he thought, They've given me something pretty disturbing to think about.

        "They couldn't really have done something that abysmally stupid, could they?" he asked the darkness, "Even our politicians could understand that lesson." He shook his head. "This is insane. They preach harmony, their greatest national weapon is called The Elements of Harmony, and they let their own stupidity and prejudice destroy one continent, and nearly destroy a second?"

        "Are you all right?" Johnnie asked as he walked towards him. Concern was clearly etched on the stallion's face.

        "I guess I'm more worried about your people not being more concerned about this," he explained to the pony, "Celly told me the origin story, which from my point of view was about the exodus from the ponies' original homelands, and their near extermination in their new lands."

        "I've never heard Heart's Warming Eve described that way," Johnnie admitted.

        "If you told a human that a continent-destroying disaster occurred, their reaction would be a shrug or 'And?' All but the most poorly educated human knows of one or more cataclysms in truth or in legend. But the idea that the leadership would be so blind that they couldn't see the effects, and then brought with them not only the hatreds that triggered the destruction, but the very creatures that were converting the potential disaster into an actual disaster. When our people developed weapons that could accomplish much the same, destroying with fire instead of ice, the politicians suddenly changed their focus to avoiding the annihilation the weapons threatened. The every-generation wars that wracked Europe ended, because it was no longer a bunch of my peasants fighting a bunch of your peasants. Your weapons would kill me first, and mine would do the same to you, and horror of horrors, the peasants might learn to live without us. With the caste system of Europe, nothing could horrify the elites more. So they quit fighting those useless wars." He looked at Johnnie. "You ponies still haven't learned the lesson. Zecora the local zebra was shunned for years. What Discord has so helpfully translated you ponies calling me, would get someone's teeth knocked down their throat in most of North America."

        He waved off Johnnie's comment. "I don't care what they've said. I've learned not to expect civilized behavior from most of those chatterboxes. What I'm pointing out is that the Windingos can't all have been exterminated. And when they come, they'll find all the hatred they need to start the ice age again. Your people haven't learned that they are playing with the destruction of their entire race."

        "What can we do?" Johnnie asked worriedly.

        "I don't know. I need to learn to write, to describe the situation to the Princesses and let them deal with it. Maybe they've already hunted down and killed all the Windingos. But Celly and Woona didn't. So I'm guessing that Princess Celestia hasn't done it," he explained to the pony.

        "But it's unlikely," Johnnie replied, "Isn't it?"

        "My experience is that lots of people watch the things that are likely and disastrous. That means the real professionals have to watch out for the things that are not likely, but are catastrophic if they do happen," the Big Guy explained, "The annihilation of all three races would qualify."

        "And your people wouldn't panic over figuring out something like that?" Johnnie asked incredulously.

        "Atlantis, the death of the dinosaurs, those are known to almost every school kid. Add in the volcanoes, hurricanes, tornadoes, fires, and God knows what else nature throws at us, and they wouldn't panic. The pampered and silly ones would wring their hands and claim we're despoiling nature by trying to prevent that, but everyone else just deals with or ignores it," the Big Guy replied, "But I am beginning to understand Celestia's efforts to 'neutralize' me. If ponies could hate each other so much that they'd burn down the house they were standing in, and its replacement. Ice over I guess, not burn down. Then they'd be more than willing to do the same to a stranger."

        "It's just a legend," Johnnie said.

        "So were Nightmare Moon, Discord, Tirek, and Nistag," he replied, "But I fought them. I'm not discounting any 'legends'. They may be garbled, but they still say 'her be lions' just as clearly."

        "Okay, you worry too much," Johnnie said, "The Princesses and the Bearers can deal with all that. Besides, from what I've gathered, you'd cold-bloodedly shoot them if they showed up again."

        "That reminds me that I need to reload all the casings I've got."

        Johnnie sighed at the rejoinder, but headed back inside to leave the man to his worries.


Day 32

        The morning saw a strange procession into the Everfree. Sveti had followed the Big Guy into the forest once before and was not happy about doing it again. Twilight was overjoyed at the prospect. Sveti was looking both for opportunities for her people, and threats to her charge. The biggest one seemed to be the permanent drone that emitted from the group, telling anything with ears a prey beast walked the forest.

        "Can you imagine, resurrecting an ancient species, to discover all the things they can teach us?" Twilight said happily as they walked.

        "Curb your enthusiasm, Sparkle," Sveti warned as she scanned the territory around them, "That is exactly the reason he has been less than cooperative." Sveti glanced at the Big Guy. "There's always the chance they want to be left alone, and pestering them changes them from neutral to hostile."

        The assertion seemed to shock the academic. "But the information is so important!" Twilight insisted.

        "And it must be you and your preconceptions that are proven right? A scientist looks at the facts and makes their theory fit them. I've watched you trot out established ideas and demand the facts fit them. We have a word for people like that, priests. The world must adhere to the word of the god, rather than accept your god might add something as a challenge to figure out."

        Twilight blanched at that and the griffon's dismissive tone.

        "You want to really learn, Sparkle," Sveti chided, "Learn to listen, and quit talking. I suspect I've learned more about him that you have."

        "You've been with him the whole time," Twilight protested.

        "And you think my listen, versus your talk, had nothing to do with that?" Sveti asked as they approached Zecora's home. "Learn to listen Sparkle, or do you fear that silence will prove you don't exist? Stillness shows who you are. If you fear there is nothing there, then make something of your own. Not for Celestia, not for Equestria, not even for Twilight Sparkle, but something that exists beyond the needs and expectations of others."

        "Is that why you're a spy?" Twilight asked archly.

        "It is how I was able to be everything so many others expected, and still be true to myself. None ever touched the real me," Sveti said, "Without a 'real' you, others will bend and break you when they ask too much."

        Twilight sighed as they walked in a wide circle around the large tree. The Big Guy seemed to be in conversation, probably with Discord. He'd unpacked the camera and was using it liberally.

        "What did you think of that cinema?" Twilight asked.

        "An interesting display of trickery, determination, and raw power. I don't know if the Big Guy was part of the first wave, or the subsequent forces, but in a way it doesn't matter. He lived through it. A better question, why did he think even Dinky and the Cutie Mark Crusaders needed to see it? What was he trying to tell us? And was it different from what he intended to tell us?"

        Twilight's eyes crossed as she dealt with a thought she hadn't even considered.

        "Circle, circle vultures come, who walks round my happy home?" Zecora jokingly asked as she came out of the tree with a tea tray in one hoof. "What magic does our friend propose, a magic box that will disclose?" She nodded to the Big Guy and his camera.

        "As I understand it, the trees have a pattern that is similar to the Patterns of Nistag's work," Sveti said and accepted a cup of tea. She smiled at Twilight. "Listening, even when nothing is said. By what he tries to convey."

        Twilight blew out her breath in a huff, but accepted the tea. Zecora approached the Big Guy as he took shot after shot with the camera. He seemed unaware of the approach of the zebra with the tea. He would move and take several shots, then move and take several more. Zecora set the tray aside and followed him as he circled and kept the pattern of behavior. Even Zecora appeared worried at his actions.

        "What sight bewitches our friend? When he closes the circle does it end?" the zebra asked as he continued his survey.

        He did stop when he'd completed the circle, and began manipulating the camera. He motioned the others over, showing a picture of Twilight's library home. The patterns picked out in the tree told them nothing, until he paged through the pictures and called up a similar pattern on Zecora's home. Then he pulled a map of the region. The similar marks faced each other over the distance between the trees. Then he displayed a similarly complicated pattern. He walked to where it was on Zecora's tree and pointed.

        "Not to the great monster of the deep woods, nor the Pony Sister's castle have the goods," Zecora realized.

        He shook his fingers at their concerned tones. He displayed a picture on Twilight's home and pointed out similarities. Then he took out the map and drew two lines on it. They intersected on the far side of the chasm that warded the Pony Sister's castle.

        "Triangulation," Twilight whispered as she looked at the map.

        "More magic trees we soon will find, if mark the path to their own kind," Zecora said breathlessly.

        He soon packed up the camera and whistled to the others.

        "Oh, the Princess' party!" Twilight gasped, "I'm sorry Zecora, we have to go!"

        "The naming of the new foal. Although the favorite was decided yesterday," Sveti commented, "As I understand it, the Canterlot nobles are livid that 'the Ponyville hicks' named the first royal born by any means in recorded memory."

        "As if the Princesses would choose to give them the right, to name the child of the Princess of the night. In Ponyville she was redeemed twice, privilege to name the child is a respectful price. A respectful name the child receive, not an insulting puzzle meant to deceive."

        "Just how much time have you spent at the capital?" Sveti asked, "I suspect the Big Guy will be back, and not on such a tight schedule tomorrow." She glanced at the pair disappearing down the trail to Ponyville. "I think you can guess one of the sources of friction between the two."

        "A mismatched set, that my eye sees. Neither sees the forest for the trees," Zecora agreed as she nodded to Sveti.

        The griffon turned and flew after the pair. She could easily track them from the string of Sparkle's chatter. She noted a Timberwolf trailing them, until it scented the Big Guy, then it fled the trail. Coward, she thought of the predator.


        He stood along the back lines in the grandest hall in Canterlot Castle, and wondered if tedium were measured in megatons.

        "Ponies love their ceremonies," Celly cautioned as he tried desperately to stay awake during the stream of nearly indistinguishable speeches.

        "At least the kid gets to sleep through all of this. If Her Highness was smart, she'd be recording this to put the kid out in her later years," he whispered back. He looked at the collection and realized to his horror that Celly was correct, most of the ponies were utterly mesmerized by the delivery or the content of the speeches.

        The only thing of interest, the kid, is completely invisible, he thought and began plotting a daring escape by leaping through the nearest window and climbing down the drain pipe. His eyes fell on the statue of Discord in the far garden, and the proper way to 'thank' their Highnesses for 'inviting' him percolated through his brain. I might just skip the reception to do a little spring cleaning, he thought and could sit happily as he planned out his next move.


        Trixie peeked out from the stage's main curtain at the audience, one far larger than she'd ever had in her life. She forced down the incipient stage fright. We practiced this routine, and this is a matinee. The kiddies won't notice the flubs if we keep them laughing, she reminded herself.

        Behind several additional curtains, 'Igor VonStrong' a.k.a. Blueblood was ensuring the props were in place and everything worked.

        "You don't mind?" she asked carefully.

        "I keep telling you, I'm away from everyone who 'knew' me," Blueblood in disguise told her. "I want to travel, and no one expects me to play the buffoon."

        She nodded. If any of the court were actors, they'd know the 'dumb' one in the act was usually the smartest, she thought. Offstage someone gave a two minute warning.

        "All the props are set. We've got our patter and bits we can improvise," Blueblood said, "You're a good teacher. And we're ready. It could be worse. I heard what they're doing in Canterlot today. The long knives are out and I doubt anyone is happy that another alicorn is putting them a step farther from the throne."

        Trixie nodded. "I just wish we could use the fireworks, my horn effects just aren't that spectacular."

        "Ask Rarity once we're back in Ponyville, she's got a flair," Blueblood offered, "Trade tricks, she'll go for it."

        "Thirty seconds," the harried assistant stage manager called.

        Trixie moved up to her marks and prepared to show her new and more confident self.

        "And announcing the Great and Powerful Trixie!" the announcer called and the curtain opened. Trixie let loose a storm of pseudo fireworks and 'appeared' on stage in a cloud of smoke.

        "I am the Great and Powerful Trixie, here to amaze you with magic never seen by pony eyes," she called out. The response was more muted than she would have liked, but she was rusty, and her last publicity had not been good. "I have recently come from Ponyville, where great, dark forces stirred in the Everfree forest." She projected an image of the plant trap/town. "Ancient and diabolical, a trap set by an ancient enemy of Equestria, to snare the Pony Sisters themselves. But the Great and Powerful Trixie stood with the famed Human of Ponyville to investigate, then spring this trap." Her images showed a simplified version of the events. Including the monsters bursting from the ground.

        Now there were occasional squeals from the more easily frightened.

        "Oh, yes, be afraid. But not for ponykind. The Human of Ponyville is fierce beyond Sombra, beyond Tirek, matching even Nightmare Moon, and possessing a cunning to enthrall even Discord!"

        More squeals, this time from some of the parents.

        "But, fear not, for Trixie knows that kindness tames the fiercest beast. And Trixie showed the Human of Ponyville that ponies were not his enemies, and not to be afraid," she soothed, "Tamed him so even little children could approach and have not the slightest reason to fear." Her image showed Dinky playing with him, and him smiling as she did.

        "But let a monster such as that trap set for the Pony Sisters appear," her image of him grew immense and terrifying, "And the threat to ponies will be dealt with." The image of the giant human roared at the plant monster. It withered and died. He returned to normal, and returned to cuddle the Trixie and Dinky figures.

        "So Trixie can attest, all you've heard of the Human of Ponyville is truth. No monster can stand against him, and no child needs fear him." Trixie scanned the audience. "Unless you've been bad." She let them gasp. "Then he'll tell your parents on you." The gasp from the parents was very different from the kids' gasp.


        Rarity was realizing that being admired in Canterlot was very different and much desired to being here all the time. The pure tedium of the ceremony was wearing on her. Pinkie Pie had excused herself and Applejack had 'escorted' her out. Twilight had slipped out a book and was avidly reading it. Rainbow Dash stared out the window watching the Wonderbolts warming up for their flyby at the height of the ceremony. Fluttershy was across the hall with the Big Guy and his group.

        The poor dear looks almost as bored as I am, she considered all the glittering jewels of Canterlot society, all of them too far away for her to respectfully talk to.

        And the gossip of those around me is scandalous and horrifying, Rarity considered, The poor child is going to get an earful from these venom-voiced harpies. Rarity considered. I wonder if we were 'placed' here specifically for us, or me rather, to hear all this. She looked at the inscrutable Diarch of the Sun who seemed to be beaming all her love at her sister and the child.

        Oh yes, best to teach me another 'truth' about Canterlot and the ponies, and my own dreams as well. Better to be the 'hick' and automatically beneath contempt, than stand where those gossips think you matter enough to tear down. Very clever, your Highness, but not perfect. I would love to see her face if and when Blueblood reveals the masquerade to her. That would be a wonder to see.

        She settled back and quietly listened, putting the various plots that whispered around her like a weaver would make cloth on a loom. I may have quite a 'friendship' report for her Highness later. I suppose I need some pointers from Sveti later.


        "And now my assistant Igor, will bring forth the Cabinet of Doom, that only the Great and Powerful Trixie's mastery of magic allows her to escape!" Trixie called. The crowd 'oo'ed' in expectation.

        Except there was a loud crash. The curtain raised to show 'Igor' upside down, all hooves chained to the ceiling of the clear enclosure and another chain around his muzzle. He desperately whined to Trixie.

        She bowed her head and back hoofed the cabinet, and 'Igor' crashed to the floor, then scrambled out of the cabinet.

        "It vorks good, I test it!" Igor said proudly, then cast a fearful glance back at the cabinet.

        Trixie sadly shook her head. "What did the Great and Powerful Trixie tell you this morning?"

        "No eat de firevorks," Igor said proudly.

        "The other thing," Trixie corrected.

        Igor considered. "All-i-gators no make goot pridges."

        "About the cabinet," Trixie prompted as the audience chuckled.

        "It's gots nasty disposition," Igor said.

        "Close enough," Trixie said, "Why are you using that awful Stalliongrad accent?"

        "Igor pay goot bitses for correspondence coorse. No go to vaste," Igor said.

        "Well, it's embarrassing, you're from VanHoover, speak normally," Trixie ordered.

        Blueblood seemed to agree, in a VanHoover accent so thick only one in three natives of VanHoover could have understood it.

        Trixie's jaw dropped. "The Great and Powerful Trixie takes it back." She stared at him. "How is it you're comprehensible in faux Stalliongrad, but not in your native tongue?"

        He stuck out his tongue and tried to look at it for a moment. Then decided to answer, "It vas reeelly goot course, da?"

        "Anyone want a devoted assistant, cheap?" Trixie asked the audience.

        "Igor does!" The stallion pronked happily.

        "Why does the Great and Powerful Trixie put up with you?" Trixie asked.

        "You no take Igor, you must marry cousin Gonk," Igor said.

        Trixie took a defensive stance at that idea.

        Igor asked, "I tell them story about cousin Gonk?"

        Trixie only nodded.

        "Just enough to win ma -" Igor said.

        "Not that one!" Trixie shouted, "There are mares and foals in the audience."

        Igor seemed nonplused, then he brightened. "Oh, cousin Gonk enter Grand National Cohstume Cohntest, for Nightmare Night, da? He is winning Bronze medal. He no win Silver or Gold because judges are thinking he is wearing minotaur or hydra costume and cannot decide which. Cousin Gonk is thinking he is wearing sunflower costume."

        "Why didn't he tell them?" Trixie asked.

        "Because Bronze is also winning 20,000 bits, and cousin Gonk not stupid," Igor explained.

        Trixie nodded. "Why don't you show them your trick?" Trixie asked.

        "They's mars and keeds in da audience," he said, "Is goot ta reeelly scare dem?"

        "Folks, this is magic, the Great and Powerful Trixie can handle the hideous form that Igor is going to change in to. Have no fear," she assured the audience.

        The interest had peaked. 'Igor' was surrounded by a smoke cloud, and when it cleared. There stood Prince Blueblood, a rose in his teeth and a roguish expression on his face. A moment and a smoke cloud later, Igor was back. "Iz scarry, da?"

        "Is scary," Trixie said in a tremulous voice.


        I never thought that insanity would end! he thought as he collected the materials for his next mission. There was a very long 'receiving line' before the actual banquet. This should get them out of the line and doing something interesting. Much better to let them think I'm really crazy, and really fearless.

        The Big Guy carried the ladder with several full buckets out across the garden. None of the guards paid him any heed, until they realized A, where he was headed, and B, that they counted two legs not because he was flying, but because he was walking on two legs. They sounded the alarm, but he'd already reached his destination before they had worked out they really should stop him.

        The statue of Discord, still in the crouched and laughing posture waited. The area around it was relatively well kept up, but the local bird population had been more active here than else where, or the other areas had seen more regular or diligent cleaning. A gentle scrub brush and buckets of hot water allowed him to begin attacking the deposits that encrusted the trapped draconequus.

        "Hello Discord. Since I know you can hear me in there, I'll forego the ususal waffling about it," he said, "I want to tell you, you should be proud of your other self. He's been learning all I can teach him, sucking up lessons like a sponge. I dare say that if you don't take him back, he'll be more than capable of surpassing you on just the thread of power he's got."

        "Are you trying to make him, me, mad?" Discord within asked.

        Of course not, just insuring he won't pull the 'oh you've been changed/corrupted I won't rejoin with you'. He'll grab you and scarf you down in a trice, he thought back, We'll work on keeping Tom around later.

        "Now the big thing you and he will need to decide once you're reunited is what do you want. Are you an advocate of Chaos, an inflicter of Chaos, an enjoyer of Chaos, or a purveyor of Chaos? That is, do you want Chaos embraced, do you want ponies to be in Chaos, do you want to watch ponies deal with Chaos, do you want to just spread Chaos, and most importantly, your Chaos, or any Chaos? That's the real question. Can it be any Chaos, or do you personally have to inflict it?"

        In a shiny spot in Discord's skin, he noted the two Pony Sisters, and a whole collections of guards and several wizards from the Academy. The windows in the castle proper were crowded with ponies and a smattering of diplomats. The guards were worried but curious, the onlookers were to a one terrified. He kept scrubbing the bird crap. Switching to a toothbrush, he started working on Discord's ears. "See, that's the lesson you really have to learn. If you like scaring ponies, then all you need is a reputation. Look at them over there. I've never done anything to the ponies that would warrant that kind of response. But I have done things to others, to their enemies. So they saw me heading out here, and look at them all. If you broke out on your own, you wouldn't warrant that kind of response. That's the advantage of a reputation. You have one, but you didn't have time to spread it around before you went too far."

        He climbed down the ladder, never facing the first or the newly arrived second cluster of watchers, but in another reflection, he caught sight of the members of the second group: the Element Bearers, his `harem` with another group of guards and mages. He didn't stop repositioning the ladder, then climbing up to resume his cleaning.

        "You see, if you have a reputation, you don't actually have to do much of anything. I walked out to clean a statue, based on something Tom said. Come to think of it, one of these days I'm going to have to find out why calling a big rock Tom is so hilarious. And you're going to have to work out how he might survive your reintegration. See, I think he's becoming a different entity. One allied, but different."

        "Thank you," Tom offered, "I was hoping later didn't mean next year."

        Not a problem, he replied.

        The Big Guy continued telling Discord, "See, it's the little things, the itches we can't scratch that really make people crazy. So it isn't the grand knock over buildings and blow stuff up that affects people. It's 'why are all the form E728J's filed under Taxidermy?' that drive people crazy. Imagine walking into the great art museum of Canterlot. At the Mona Lisa, or some other incredibly famous painting, you whip out a dozen near-perfect copies, make little alterations and improvements to them, making the copies even more like the original, and then walk out with all those paintings under your arm. The police and the Princesses, to say nothing of the museum's curator and staff, will go absolutely insane, trying to figure out what you did. What did you do? You bought a bunch of copies, painted by art students, and made them more accurate. Nothing more. Something completely harmless, and you let your reputation do all the chaos-generation. You keep going for the grandiose plan, when subtle and precise are your best bet. Don't slather things on with a trowel when a dab here or there will do the job wonderfully. And don't insist on just you doing all the work. Learn to appreciate when others are completely chaotic."

        He leaned close and whispered, "From what I hear, Sparkle disrupted all of Ponyville with a spell and a doll, and it took Celestia's personal intervention to reverse it. And why? Because on a Tuesday, she realized she hadn't sent a weekly report that week. That's right, Tuesday. Not an 'every seven days' report, a weekly report. And worse, super-smart Twilight never thought, 'nothing new to report, previous lessons being reinforced' was an adequate report. The GodQueen's favorite student flipped out because she sent last week's report in early, had learned so much that there was nothing new to report, and thought her all-loving mentor would turn her into a geranium for not sending this week's in equally early and full of new findings. You want to drive a stake through both their hearts? Get them together and ask about that. Talk about trust issues."

        He climbed down and looked over the statue. It positively gleamed in the setting sun. He turned and 'noticed' the huge number of armed guards, alicorns, wizards, Element Bearers and a few reporters watching his every move. He carefully dumped out the bird crap contaminated water into the flowerbeds where the nitrates would do some good.

        He stood before the Discord statue. "If you're wondering why I'm giving you all these lessons. Look at them. They know if I ever really snap, it'll take you, and all of them to take me down," he said calmly then waved to the statue, "See ya."

        He rehung the empty buckets on the ladder and set it on his shoulder before walking back down the path he came in.

        "What was that about?" Discord in his head asked.

        Everyone likes a little thrill of worry, I just gave him one, he replied mentally.

        When he approached Celestia and Luna, he let out a sad sigh and shook his head. As they were looking chagrined, he set his ladder down well out of range where he could 'accidently' hit anyone, and marched forward. He presented his wrists to Shining Armor for the stallion to manacle him.

        Armor looked from the surrendering human, to his rulers, and back.

        I think he's trying to decide what to do, the Big Guy thought, Poor Celestia looks like she wants to kiss me for breaking the tedium of the reception line. Luna is doing better hiding her smirk. Shouting from behind him told everyone that the Bearers and their guards had taken the direct route through Discord's enclosure and were pleading their case, all at the same time. Perplexity grew among the authorities like weeds, and the Big Guy stood, arms outstretched, as if he were willing to wait all day to be arrested.

        In his head, Discord was in near hysterics over what he could overhear. Tom was chuckling, politely.

        "They seem to be offering all manner of defenses, some of which, if taken on their face, would have you before the headspony before sunset," Tom offered.

        "Good enough," he replied.