Celestia pouted to herself even as she spread the zap apple jam across her toast, an early breakfast for her early day today. She stood alone behind a stage, waiting for the events to begin, butter knife and jar of jam held aloft by telekinesis along with her toast. She was thinking about Luna again, as she tended to do on this day, every year. Maybe she had overreacted nine hundred years ago…
…No, she hadn’t overreacted, she decided. She was the older sister. Luna should have listened to her, instead of turning to the foul, abominable magic of darkness and corruption and becoming Nightmare Moon.
The white alicorn took a healthy bite from her toast. Celestia couldn’t help but feel she was forgetting something. Her most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, had sent her something about a prophecy or something. Celestia had mostly ignored the letter, giving it a quick skim before firing off a carefully-prepared generic response and adding something or other about friendship. She had been busy, didn’t Twilight know by now that the Summer Sun Celebration was the busiest time of the year for the ruler of Equestria?
Besides, this wasn’t the first time Twilight had read some book and made a prophecy about doom and gloom and it hadn’t come true.
There was a sound from behind her. Celestia absent-mindedly turned around, and saw herself staring at a midnight blue alicorn with a paler, a more vibrant-blue mane and tail, turquoise eyes, and a moon-shaped cutie mark.
The zap apple jam, butter knife, and toast fell from her grip. “Luna?” Celestia asked incredulously. A million emotions raced through her mind at the sight of her sister, lost to her nine hundred years ago…how had she – was she free from – was she still…?
“Tia,” Luna responded, a look of relief on her face, tears in her eyes. “I’ve missed you so much…”
Celestia stared. This – this wasn’t Nightmare Moon. This wasn’t the insane mare that had tried to make the night last forever. This was Luna, a hundred years early! Her sister! Celestia rushed forward. “Luna!” She cried, tears staining her own eyes.
“Tia!” Luna called back, forelegs spreading wide as a wide smile appeared on her face in spite of her tears.
“Luna!”
“Tia!”
“Luna!”
“Fuck you!”
“Wait, what?”
Celestia skidded to a halt, but it was too late as she found herself encompassed in a flash, so bright that even she couldn’t see.
“Suck it!” Luna’s voice called out from the glare – only it wasn’t Luna’s. It was Nightmare Moon’s. “Suck it on the suuuuuuuuunnnnnn…!”
Wait, Celestia thought, just before a magical sleep claimed her, and she felt her physical body being broken apart and stitched into the sun. It has only been nine hundred years, right? Maybe I shouldn’t have skimmed Twilight Sparkle’s letter…
---
Luna’s hooves stamped around on the wooden floor beneath her with joy as she spun in circles. “Ha!” She laughed, as her four minions joined her – or rather, Draco, the swan, and Scorpio joined her in the room itself, while Cetus looked in from another, larger room. “Hahaha! I did it! I did it! Take that, bitch!”
Luna’s magic swelled from her horn, and a bright, burning orb appeared in the center of the room. It gave off considerable heat, but it was firmly encased in the princess’s black magic, preventing its heat from growing too unbearable.
“What is that?” Draco asked, leaning forward and inspecting the fireball.
“The sun,” Luna exclaimed, prancing in circles around it, as she transformed back into her normal large, black-coated form and proceeded to make obscene gestures at the orb of fire using her front hooves and hips. “I shrank it. I can do that.”
“Cool,” the swan said, eliciting a wing-to-hoof bump. Afterwards, the swan stared at her wing with a look of pure joy on her face, which only made Luna feel even better, almost good enough to want to put the effort necessary into remembering the swan’s name.
“Er,” Cetus asked from the other room. “What now?”
Luna stopped prancing, standing still for a moment, before shooting Cetus a glare. “What?”
“Well, it’s just that now that Celestia’s trapped, I guess you have to rule Equestria, right?” Cetus asked, rolling a little to get a better view into the room. “But that’s not going to be easy if the royal guard doesn’t trust you. You might have to try and build up a power base. There’ll be rebellions and revolutions and ponies trying to overthrow you, not to mention you have to build up a whole new reputation with foreign countries…”
Luna stared as Cetus droned on and on and on, before her eyes widened in horror. “Oh God,” she said, as she began skidding backwards towards Cetus, slowly and looking like she was trying to fight against it. “Oh God! Cetus! I’m being dragged down your gravity well!”
“What?” Cetus asked.
“Help me, Scorpio!” Luna cried as she continued to appear to be dragged backwards.
“I’ll save you, mistress!” Scorpio cried as his claws locked onto Luna’s forelegs.
“It’s no good!” Luna cried, continuing to skid backwards and dragging Scorpio with her. “He’s so fat, he’s gonna devolve into a black hole! We’re gonna be spagettified! Save yourselves while you can…!”
Draco let out a sigh, planting his hand firmly upon his face. “Mistress, he does have a point…”
Luna stopped abruptly, glaring at Draco and ignoring Cetus’ tearing-up eye, though she spared a moment to bump Scorpio’s outstretched claw. “Boo, you’re no fun.” Luna informed the dragon. “Come on! Can’t I have five minutes of joy?” She trotted over to the sun, grasping it in her hooves with little effort. “Blah blah blah, rule the land, blah blah blah. I can do that, no problem, I’m still Princess Luna, I’ve got divine right to rule. If that doesn’t work, I’ve got divine wrath. As soon as I get back to my palace and make sure my ambrosia is okay…”
Scorpio suddenly skittered to the side, placing himself firmly between Luna and where Celestia had been standing when Luna had appeared. Luna blinked a few times. “What was that about?” She asked.
“Eheheheh…” The scorpion chuckled. “Um…ask Cetus.”
“Ask Cygnus,” the whale said immediately.
“Ask Draco,” the swan said swiftly thereafter.
Luna looked expectantly to Draco, who was glaring hate at his fellow Star Beasts, before looking back to his liege. “Er,” he said.
Luna waited.
“Well.”
The shepherd of the moon continued to wait.
“Um.”
The Mare of the Night was a remarkably patient pony.
Draco looked down, tapping his two index claws together. “You know how Ponyville was founded hundreds of years after you were exiled?” He finally began in earnest. “There’s, um…there’s a reason why it was, ah…founded right next to where your palace used to be. And your zap apple garden.”
Luna stared. “What the fuck is a zap apple?” She asked.
“Um…your ambrosia.”
“Why is it called…oh, wait, I get it.” Luna said. “Lightning storms, bang. Guess they kind of look like apples, I can see…” Luna trailed off as she realized what she was saying. “…they got into my garden, didn’t they?” She asked, her voice frighteningly calm.
Draco continued to tap his claws together. “Er,” he responded.
Luna blinked a few times. She was taking this…rather well, actually. “Well.” She said. “I guess that makes sense. I mean, first they don’t appreciate me. Then I try to make the night last for one measily day, so that the ponies can see the effort I put into it, but noooo, Celestia is all it’s a slippery slope, Luna! First it’ll be a day, then a week, then you’ll try to make the night last forever! I have to stop you! So then she locks me in the moon. Then I come back and learn that those freeloading ponies have been eating my ambrosia. That’s okay. I understand. They’re just mortals, they don’t know any better – ”
“They, er…” Draco said. “They don’t really eat the apples.”
Luna blinked. She turned to Scorpio very, very slowly. “Explain.” She demanded of the scorpion.
The Star Beast trembled a little, before skittering to the side. Sitting on the floor was toast, and a butter knife, and some kind of rainbow-hued jam.
Luna stared. “What.”
“They make jam, mistress,” Draco explained.
Luna blinked a few times. She backed up several paces, so that she was standing right next to Draco, though her eyes were locked on the spilled ambrosia jam. “Draco?” She asked.
“Y-yes, mistress?” The constellation asked.
“I’m evil now.”
Draco stared. “Evil?’”
“Yes, evil. Pure evil. I am now a being of distilled, refined hate and rage.”
The Star Beasts stared at their mistress. “Really?” Scorpio asked. “Because you seem kind of calm – ”
“Give it a moment.” Luna said, eyes still locked on the zap apple jam. She breathed in deeply, then let out a long, slow breath…which quickly grew in intensity and furor into a scream of unbridled loathing.
“I am going to fucking murder you, Tia!” Luna shouted. “Fuck! My fucking ambrosia?” She galloped up to the sun. “God, Tia, trapping me in the moon is one thing, but letting these fucking fucktards into my garden just so that they can have something to spread on their toast? Do you know how many millions of years I spent trying to make trees that grew in moonlight?”
Luna grabbed the sun with both front hooves, shaking it violently. “You can’t just give away my things!” She shouted. “They’re mine! You need permission! Oh you are so fucking lucky that mom and dad are just abstract concepts of light and shadow or else I would so tell on you!”
Luna continued to shake the sun. “I don’t care if you’re getting dizzy!” She shouted after a moment, presumably having heard a telepathic plea from Celestia. After several more minutes, she released the sun, letting it float and spin in place, and breathing heavily.
“Gah!” She exclaimed, stomping around the sun. “You’re staying in there for a thousand – no, ten thousand – no, a hundred thousand years for this! And as for the fucking ponies…” Luna turned, rubbing her hooves together. “Oh, I’ll think of something. I’m a fucking goddess, there’s got to be something that I can do to make them pay. I mean, fuck. My ambrosia and they’ve been making it into jam. That’s, like, a cardinal sin. Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, thou shalt not steal my fucking ambrosia and make jam out of it.”
Luna turned to the sun, apparently hearing Celestia say something. “God damnit, Celestia, I’m not going to make the night last forever! I just wanted a day, maybe two! God, everything is always slippery slope this and start of darkness that with you!” She paused, listening to Celestia. "What the fuck is a Nightmare Moon?"
“Why not make the night last forever?” Draco asked.
Luna stared at the dragon. “Uh, ‘cause they’ll all freeze.” She said. “The ponies. They actually have to do stupid little things like breathe and stay warm.” She glared at the jam on the floor. “And steal my fucking ambrosia…”
“I thought you were evil now,” Draco said.
“Hey, Draco’s right,” Scorpio said. “Maybe not forever. Just make the night last, I dunno, a month, maybe two. But don’t say that. That seems like a good punishment. Make ‘em scared.”
Luna put a hoof to her mouth in thought. “Hmm…” She thought. “Well…yeah, actually. That seems good. Get a little famine going, little cold weather, claim I’m going to make the night last forever…then in a few months’ time, I’ll raise the sun, claim that I’m a forgiving goddess and their suffering has…yeah!” Luna beamed. “I like this idea! Good work, guys – ”
A brown-coated pony stuck his head in through the door, looking at a clipboard as he did. “One minute, Princess Celestia,” he said, glancing up. On seeing Luna and the four Star Beasts, he frowned. “Where’s the Princess?”
“I trapped her in the sun,” Luna responded after taking a few moments to deal with how easily the pony was taking in the sight of an alicorn and four constellations in physical form.
“Well that’s just great,” the pony responded. “That throws off my time-tables completely…what are you? Her understudy?”
Luna blinked a few times. “I beg your pardon?”
“Look, can you raise the sun or not? ‘Cause otherwise we’ve got literally nothing to fill in the program gap.”
Luna looked to the Star Beasts. The swan shrugged helplessly. The shepherd of the moon turned back to the pony. “I’ll be on in thirty seconds,” she promised.