Guy Talk

by JonRS

Lost Innocence

“I’m Snails.”

“I’m Snips.”

“And I’m Spike. This is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated by them. Today, we have a lot to talk about, but I’d like to thank Snails for saving our tails.”

“Aww, it was nothing.”

“Don’t thank him! He doesn‘t deserve anymore thanks.” Snips said pointing a hoof at his friend.

“You should be thanking him too! If it weren’t for Snails, you’d be extra crispy!” Scratch pointed out.

“I could have done that! If only I hadn’t gotten knocked out, I’d be the one with fillies hitting on me.”

“What are you talking about?” Spike asked.

“I’m talking about all the attention he’s been getting from fillies. It was one thing when they ignored both of us, but now they walk up to both of us and act like I don‘t exist.”

“Snails’ popularity has really skyrocketed since the last episode. With Spike dating Apple Bloom, he might overtake Spike as the most popular character on the show.”

“Wait a second! I got less popular when I started dating Apple Bloom. How’d that happen?”

“Your availability was part of your charm, Spike. Dating Apple Bloom took you off the market and now they have to look elsewhere.” Scratch explained.

“I was supposed to get all that attention. What’s he got that I don’t?” Snips whined.

“Standards.” Spike pointed out.

“Height.” Scratch added.

“Alright, I get it! We’re different! Tell me why fillies like him more than me.” Scratch decided to fill him in.

“Snails is sensitive, and you’re… ” The mare paused for a moment trying to find the right way to let him know. “Umm… just different.” She laughed.

“What’s that supposed to mean? I don‘t get it.” Spike decided to clear up the confusion.

“I think what Scratch is trying to say is you can be a bit of an insensitive jerk at times.”

“When have I ever acted like an insensitive jerk?” Everyone just stared at him for a few seconds.

“Are you serious?” Snails asked.

“We really shouldn’t be surprised by this. He doesn’t even think he did anything wrong.”

“What are you guys talking about?”

“You remember Lucy, Snips?” Scratch said trying to jog his memory.

“Yeah, of course I do. What’s she got to do with this though?” Snips said rubbing his chin.

“I told you. He doesn’t see anything wrong with what happened.” Spike reiterated.

“Can someone tell me what I’m missing?”

“Do you know what a sociopath is, Snips?” Scratch asked.

“Isn’t that like a crazy pony? I‘m not crazy!”

“Nobody’s calling you crazy, Snips. It’s just that we think that you have an inability to notice other people’s feeling sometimes.” Spike pointed out.

“Notice other people’s feelings? What‘s that supposed to mean?”

“Didn’t you feel kind of bad for Lucy when you broke up with her?” Snails asked.

“Not really. I mean it sucked that she had to get all emotional and hit me, but I can’t complain since I got laid at the end.” Spike decided to just level with him.

“Girls like it when you consider their feelings, Snips. Do you understand what I’m saying?” Spike explained.

“I did consider her feelings. They were part of my plan, remember?”

“I think you should consider a filly’s feelings as more than a way to get something you want.” Snails explained.

“That doesn‘t make any sense.”

“Just do something to make her happy and not because it might get you laid.” Spike told him.

“Why would I do that if I didn‘t want sex?”

“It shows her you actually care about her feelings. Fillies dig that kind of thing.” Scratch’s word gave the colt something to think about.

“Okay, I guess, but how do I do that?”

“Do something that let’s her know sex isn’t all you’re after. Apple Bloom wants to wait till she’s married to have sex. I’m not exactly thrilled about it, but I agreed with it because I care about her.”

“What! That’s crazy! I‘m not doing that.”

“It’s just an example. You just have to do something out of the kindness of your heart and for no other reason. Pretend like Scratch is an innocent filly and just try to be nice.” Spike advised him.

“What do you mean pretend? I have the heart of an innocent filly and that’s what counts.”

“Really?” Spike cocked an eyebrow at the mare.

“Mostly innocent… kind of innocent?” Spike just stared until she decided to prove him wrong. “Fine! I‘ll show you the power of my maiden heart!”

“Remember it’s not about sex. Just try to be nice.” Snails reminded him.

“Hey, baby! I like that wild, unkempt thing you got going on with your mane. It‘s so cool that you don‘t care how you look.”

“What’s wrong with my mane?” Scratch said seriously concerned about her look.

“You’re supposed to be nice, Snips! Why were you insulting her?” Spike asked.

“I was being nice!”

“If that’s your nice, I hate to see your mean.” Spike sighed.

“Why don’t you try then?” Snips said putting the dragon on the spot.

“I’m… uhhh… in a relationship I can’t.” Spike said nervously scratching his head.

“Aha! You can’t because you don’t know how to hit on girls!” Snips accused him.

“B-but I have a girlfriend!”

“Who you didn’t pick up I might add! Go on and show us your moves then.” Snips dared him.

“Fine, I-I’ll show you!”

“Guys, you like my mane, right?”

“Your mane is beautiful, Scratch. It makes you look very cool.” Spike told her.

“Really? You mean it?” She said playing with her mane a bit. Spike was beginning to think she was taking this innocent thing way too serious.

“Yeah, so do you maybe… want do something later?”

“You mean like with a kiss at the end?” She said fiddling with her hooves and occasionally looking in Spike’s direction.

“You know what I mean, Scratch. Quit playing and just answer the question.” Spike was becoming a little freaked out by her little act.

“This is all happening so fast! Before you know it, we’ll have a white picket fence and a house full of babies.” She giggled. Spike was thoroughly disturbed now and decided to put an end to it.

“Alright, we get it! You’re very innocent. Now quit acting like that!”

“Are we having our first fight as a couple? This is so incredible! I can’t believe I’m having a fight with my first boyfriend ever.”

“I’m serious, Scratch! Give it a rest!” Spike’s voice had an edge to it that made the mare visibly flinch. She looked at him with an almost pained expression that could have melted the coldest heart.

“Why are you treating me like this? I thought you liked me.” She whimpered.

“That’s enough! You know I have a girlfriend.”

“You have a girlfriend, b-but I thought we had something special. Oh, how could you do this to me, Spike?” She said as she started to sob into her hooves.

“I’m not going along with this.” The dragon said turning away.

“Two timing, Spike? Really?” Snails said shaking his head.

“I don’t blame him. Apple Bloom’s not putting out and he’s got his own needs.” Snips signaled his approval by nodding.

“Not you guys too!”

“Is that what I was, Spike? A beautiful, naïve filly you could string along till you got what you really wanted.” She said as she looked at him. “The sad thing is… I still hope that you might feel something for me. Something more than the animalistic lust that drove you to pursue me.” She played up the drama so much that Rarity might have had her dial her back. Spike just crossed his arms and glared at her.

“Are you done yet?” He asked in annoyed voice.

“They say love makes fools of us all, but…. I feel like I’m the only fool here.” She said looking off into a empty corner. “I always remember those fairy tales about princesses getting kidnapped by evil dragons. I must be a pretty terrible princess if my dragon doesn’t even want me.” She said as she started to sob again.

“Your performance would be a lot more believable if you had… Oh, I don’t know…. actual tears!” Spike pointed out. She quickly levitated a tissue to over her face and began to cry even louder.

“Why are you so cruel, Spike? I only want you to kidnap me! Is that so wrong?”

“Yeah, it’s a crime! It’s called kidnapping.”

“Just do it, Spike! It’ll make her feel better.” Snails shouted.

“Yeah, just kidnap her a little. You’d kidnap Apple Bloom if she asked you too.” Snips added.

“What? N-No, I wouldn’t. Besides, dragons have this thing about kidnapping. It’s complicated.” Spike said nervously looking down and twiddling his fingers.

“What kind of thing?” Snips asked.

“It’s just… dragons take kidnapping very serious, okay! It‘s a genetic thing. I don‘t want to talk about it.”

“How serious?” Snails wondered aloud.

“I told you I don’t want to talk about it!”

“Okay, I got to see this!” Scratch said breaking her character.

“I-I don’t know about this, guys. I did this with Twilight as a game and I got really weird. We just never did it again.”

“Snips take over in the booth.” Scratch said hopping out of her chair and entering the studio.

“Guys, this is a really bad idea. You’re playing with fire. Please do not do this!” Spike said as Scratch approached him and held out a hoof.

“I want you to kidnap me! Go on!” She said holding her hoof. Spike tried to look away but he couldn’t avert his gaze.

“Please…. I really … I real… I…” Spike went quiet for a few seconds as he just stared at her hoof.

“Spike? Are you going to kidnap-” She was interrupted when Spike suddenly grabbed her hoof. “Whoa! You’re being kind of forceful, but it’s pretty interesting- Ow! Your grip is getting a little tight, Spike! Maybe let up a little bit. This is just pretend.”

“Pretend? Who’s pretending, princess?” Spike said as he clutched her hoof even tighter. His claws were starting to dig a bit and it was freaking Scratch out. She tried to pull away but Spike wouldn’t let go.

“Heh heh! Very funny! You got me! Now stop it. You’re hurting me, Spike.” She said starting to panic. As Spike looked up, she saw his eyes had changed from green to bright yellow. It was like looking at an entirely different creature.

“You’re not going anywhere, princess! We gotta wedding to get too! Ours to be exact! Muwahahahaha!” He laughed maniacally.

“Let her go!” Snails jumped up.

“This is not cool, dude!” Snips shouted from the booth. The dragon turned and looked at the two.

“I’ll never let you bumbling heroes take her from me.” Spike said launching a fireball that hit the glass partition with a thud. Snips and Snails dove for cover started to breathe fire everywhere.

“Stop it, Spike! You’re going to hurt somepony!” Scratch said still unable to free herself from Spike’s grip. It wasn’t so much that Spike was so strong she couldn’t break free. She just didn’t want to have to sling him across the room to get free.

“Don’t worry my precious princess! Once we get to my castle, you will be all mine, my innocent little peach.”

“Spike, I’m not a princess and you don’t have a castle.” He stopped

“What are you saying? You’re the innocent, pure princess who will become my bride!”

“I’m not innocent, Spike! You don’t want me as your bride.”

“What do you mean? You said you were innocent!” He snarled as fire came out.

“I-I’m not. I drink straight from the carton. I always eat everything in the fridge even if Octavia is saving it. I borrow her clothes all the time without asking. I play my music at odd hours of the night. I’m not innocent or a princess! You don’t want me as your bride!”

“Ha! I knew you weren’t innocent.” Spike laughed as he let go of her hoof.

“What? I thought you were..” Scratch noticed his eyes weren’t yellow and he wasn’t speaking in a menacing tone anymore.

“Getting you back for always messing with me? You bet I was!” The mare gave him a playful jab to the shoulder.

“You little weasel! Did you really made all that up?”

“Yep.” He said proudly.

“But your eyes were all crazy and stuff.” Snips said.

“I can do that whenever I want. Check it?” He said making his eyes change from green to a glowing yellow.

“What about all that fire?” Snails asked.

“They made everything fire retardant since the last episode. Nothing‘s going to burn in here.”

“Well, we’re about out of time, guys. Any last thoughts?” Scratch asked.

“I got something I want to ask Spike.” Snips said.

“You want to ask me something? Go ahead, I guess.”

“How did the fact that Apple Bloom wanted to wait till marriage come up?” He asked with a sly smile. The dragon nearly jumped out of his scales at the inquiry.

“It just came up, you know.” Spike chuckled halfheartedly.

“No way! I bet you tried something and she totally shut you down!” Snips guessed. Spike faked a cough and quickly changed the subject.

“Well, I guess we ought to end the show. I’d like to thank and-”

“Is that true, Spike?” Snails asked but Spike continued to talk over him as he started to sweat.

“Apologize to everyone who listened to this.”

“I’m Spike and this is Guy Talk-”

“You got to explain this one!” Scratch said.

“Signing off!” Spike said running out of the booth as everyone else gave chase.