Good Griff!

by Von Snootingham

Ch. 05: Cabin Fever

 
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ‘THERE’S NO CABIN’!?” Steve screams at me and slams on the breaks. The car lurches to a stop in the middle of a lonely stretch of road in middle-of-nowhere-woods, New York.

It took about three hours to get up to the Saratoga area. We drove north on the Taconic State Parkway, then cut across a lesser highway to avoid the toll booth to get onto 90. Next, it was up 90 to skirt around Albany, and then a straight shot to Saratoga. Then we started driving around trying to see if we could find the lake where my parents rented the cabin. We’ve been at that for another two and half hours or so.

A couple hours ago, we stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom and grab some snacks. It was midnight-ish so there didn’t really seem to be anyone around, but we waited in the car and watched a few minutes to make sure. When we went in, I had a hell of a time walking because I could barely even stand upright. Steve used the men’s room, but afterward he told me that it looked like it was going to be the “last time it was appropriate”.

When we got back in the car, my back was feeling so cramped I just had to take my jacket and shirt off. Turns out I have wings now. That was a shock, let me tell you. I’m embarrassed to admit I kind of freaked a little until Steve reminded me that I already saw that Gilda had wings. Mine were kind of stubby, or at least smaller than hers. Steve said they looked cute. I punched him in the shoulder for that. Also, for sneaking a peek at me in just my bra. Though, I think that may have just been reflex, since my bra is just kinda hanging loose now with nothing to fill it. And he didn’t even have the decency to compliment me, the jerk. I sliced a couple slits in the back of my shirt with my claw (or “talon”, as Steve corrected me). That way I could still wear a shirt but my wings didn’t have to be all cooped up.

We were both getting more and more irritated as time went by. Me because I was getting tired, more uncomfortable from sitting in the car seat in clothes that seemed to be getting tighter, and nervous about where we were going. Steve because he’s a big, fat baby. He kept asking “Are you sure you don’t recognize any of the names around here? We’ve seen signs for half a dozen campsites. Surely, one of them has to be the right one.”

Eventually, I had to admit to him, “You know that big, beautiful log cabin next to a shimmering lake in woods I told you about? I lied. There is no cabin.”

That brings us to now, stopped in the middle of nowhere, Steve screaming, his voice starting to crack up a few octaves, breathing hard, and staring at me with a death glare that could peel paint.

“Just what I said.  My parents never took me camping. They’d never waste the time.”

“THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING HERE, GILDA!?!”

I cross my arms. “Looking for a place to camp out?” I suggest defiantly.

He slams the steering wheel, making the horn honk. “Alright, I have had it with you! I am having a terrifically taxing day here and I don’t need you fucking my shit!”

“Your shit’s already fucked, dude!”

“I fucking know my shit’s already fucked! I don’t fucking need you fucking my shit any fucking further! Fuck!” he rants angrily, poking me in the chest. What do ya know, the kid’s got balls. It only took him losing them to find them.

I get right in his face. “And you think mine isn’t? Now you take that finger off me or I will break it off and absolutely shove it up your dickhole,” I growl at him.  To both our surprise, it comes out as an actual growl, more animal than human.

He leans back away from me, but keeps scowling. “That’s it. I’m done. We passed a sign for a campsite not too far back. We’ll go there.” He does his “infinite patience” breathing routine a couple times, then hangs a U-ey and we’re moving again.

Steve drives in silence for a couple minutes, quietly seething. Finally, he says, “I certainly hope you’re happy. We’re completely lost in Serial Killer Woods with nothing to go on but a lie.”

“It’s better than what you came up with,” I argue, “Besides, once we set up camp, we’ll be fine. How we got there doesn’t matter.”

“Then why didn’t you just suggest camping without lying?” he asks. He’s really starting to sound like a girl. His voice is definitely higher than it was when we left.

“Yeah right,” I roll my eyes. “Would you have blindly marched off into the woods if you knew we didn’t have a specific goal in mind?”

He opens his mouth to respond, but then closes it again. He glances over to me. “Yeah, probably not.”

“We needed to leave the city and we had no place to go. You didn’t know what to do and you’re the smart one. I knew there were a lot of campgrounds up here. So, I gave us a place,” I explain.

“How do you know? You’ve never been up here,” he accuses.

I let out a slow breath. “Yeah. I have. That part was true. I did come up here for three years,” I say slowly, “It just wasn’t for vacation. My parents sent me to a boarding school up here. We’re actually only, like, maybe twenty miles from there,” I reveal.

“Then why didn’t you just say that?” he asks.

“Because! I was embarrassed, alright? My parents sent me away and I’m embarrassed,” I admit.”

All Steve says is, “Oh,” and he shuts up. He looks all sad at me again. I hate it.

We drive in silence another few minutes, following signs to the campgrounds.  Finally, we get there a little before 3. The first thing we see at the entrance is a rental office. A sign read “Open 24 hours”.

“Welllll bollocks…” Steve curses, “We have to pay for a patch of ground? I was hoping we’d be able to just drive up and pitch a tent.”

“Guess not. What do you wanna do? Find somewhere else?” I ask.

He thinks it over. “Nah... Nah, fuck it. We’ll probably have to pay anywhere and I’m exhausted. Let’s just get it over with.”

He looks me up and down and clicks his tongue. “I don’t think you’re going to be able to pass for normal any more. You stay here. I’ll see what I can do.”

Steve pops the trunk and leaves the car running while he gets out and goes around to the back. He roots around the truck, and slams it shut again, before coming back to the driver's window. He’s wearing a knit cap down low to hide his ears and the blue nub on his forehead, but it does nothing for the mess of purple and blue hair. "Wish me luck," he says with a shrug before he hobbles his way into the office and out of my sight.

All I can do is sit and wait. I don’t like it. I’m a woman of action, so to be stuck waiting in the car while someone else acts rubs me the wrong way.

After what feels like either an ominously long or a suspiciously short amount of time, he comes back, spinning a key around his finger. He gets back into the car, grinning at me.

“Well that went better than expected. I’m pretty sure the poor guy was sleeping in the back room when I rang the bell; he was so out of it. He looked like he was sleepwalking! I don’t think he even noticed my mane,” he laughs. “I’d bet he doesn’t even remember this in the morning.”

Well that’s a relief. “So, what’s with the key?” I ask.

Steve starts driving us up the dirt road into the grounds. He looks embarrassed and scratches the back of his head. “Yeah. Um, well it looks like the name of the place isn’t just for show. There actually is a lake here, and they kinda… rent out cabins.”

We share a silent look. I quirk an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah. Your lie ended up being true after a fashion,” he admits. “I booked us the most remote cabin they have for two nights. At least we won’t have to erect the tent tonight.” He shrugs. “I don’t even know what to say. I’m still pissed at you, but I suppose your heart, if not your head, was in the right place. Um… And I wasn’t acting very Authur-ly. So… I suppose what I mean to say… Err…” he mumbles.

“Yeah, yeah. I forgive ya. Just cut the lame, mushy stuff,” I say and give him a punch in the arm to seal the apology.

“Ow! I wasn’t apol- What? I was going to forgive you,” he stammers. He rubs his arm where I socked him like I actually hit him hard enough to hurt him. What a wuss. “Jeez… What ever happened to not hitting girls?” she scolds.

“That only applies to guys,” I remind her.

It takes me a beat to realize what Steve just said and how I was thinking of her- I mean him. “Uh, and you’re not a girl,” I quickly add.

He stops the car in front of an ugly, dark wooden building and shuts it off. He turns to me and with a tired look, says, “Well. I guess I’ll just be the judge of that, eh?” With that, he grabs a bag from the back seat and gets out, making his way to the building.

I quickly get out and follow after him. “We have this to ourselves? It’s kinda big,” I comment.

He turns on me and holds up a hand. “Hey, whoa. Wait your turn,” he commands.

“Turn?”

He points at a sign between two white doors on the front of building. The paint is chipped and faded, but it reads, “Washhouse” in big, red letters. Sure enough, one door has the men’s room symbol on it and the other has the lady’s. Steve goes into the lady’s room.

“Oh. Turn,” I say to no one. Right. Public bathrooms: part of camping I’m not so crazy about. I turn and go back to the car. You know, for being in the middle of a crisis, I’m doing an awful lot of waiting in the car. While I wait, I turn my cell phone on, but I don’t expect much. Hey, I’ve got reception all the way out here in West Bumblefuck. Gotta love the modern age.

Jesus. I’ve got twelve missed messages. Oh man, and they’re all from Ellen. The first is from right after we left and she sounds MAD. I won’t go into exactly what she said, ‘cause I don’t want to burn anyone’s ears off. The next few after that, she was still mad, but she started to get more worried. Between 8 and 9-ish, there were a few where she sounded like she’s on the verge of panic, thinking I’m in trouble with the mob or on the run from the police. Then she rolled right back around to furious by 10 with a couple last calls where she accused me of being straight and running off with Steve as my hetero lover. I’m pretty sure she had a couple drinks in her for that one.

Finally, there’s one last call from about midnight, hours after the others. The first thirty seconds all I can hear is quiet breathing and sniffling. Finally, Ellen whispers, “Gayle, please,” and hangs up.

Well shit. That’s pretty heartbreaking, even to me. I sigh. I can just imagine Ellen using her key to storm into our apartment to chew me out and finding the place empty, then frantically trying to track us down. I can picture her curling up in a little ball on my bed and crying then making that call. Poor thing was probably so worried about me, she probably cried herself to sleep.

I can’t just maintain radio silence after that.  My talons make it a little trickier than it used to be, but I send Ellen a text, “im srry again. not in truble but had 2 hide out of city. good reason but cant tell u. safe now. I still luv u, babe.” Hopefully, she’ll see that in the morning and that’ll be enough to keep her from losing her mind.

Almost immediately, my phone starts chirping at me. Yikes, I didn’t expect her to see that so fast.  I quickly turn the phone off. Okay, so now what? Jesus, Steve’s been in there a long time. What could possibly be so interesting in the bathroom?

Now I’m bored. I may as well get ready for when it’s my turn. I get out of the car, open the back door and start rooting around in the pile of shit back here, trying to find my bag with my bathroom stuff. After some digging around and spilling a bag of cans of soup, I’ve got it. Just as I’ve grabbed my toothbrush, there’s a knock on the window next to me and a girl calls, “Yo.”

I shout and jump in surprise, hitting my head on the ceiling of the car. “AH! MOTHERFUCKER!” I hiss and grab the back of my head.

“That looks like it hurt,” the girl says. Oh shit, the girl! I spin around to face her and try to explain. It’s Steve. Oh. Ohhhhh.

“Jesus fuck! You almost gave me a heart attack, man!” I accuse.

“Not anymore,” he responds puzzlingly.

“Huh?”

“It’s official. I have joined the fairer sex. I’m all mare now,” he- err, she?- shrugs.

Huh. How the hell do you respond to something like that? “Um, congratulations?” I offer.

She- he?- shrugs again.

“So, uh, you wanna talk about it, champ?” I awkwardly offer. I’m terrible at this sort of thing; feelings and junk; even when it doesn’t involve sudden sex changes.

“Eh. Que sera sera,” he shrugs up at me again. “Nothing to be done- Did you get bigger?” she interrupts herself.

I look down at Steve. I was always taller than him, but now it seems like maybe I’m more so. I kinda figured she had just shrunk. I look down at myself and see I’m pretty much bursting out of my clothes. I look over at the car and judge the height. It seems like it’s a two or three inches lower than it should be. “Hm. Maybe I did,” I admit, “And I thought I couldn’t get any more awesome. You know, you’re looking pretty cute yourself, little girl,” I wiggle my eyebrows at her. “You wanna find out what a wild cat I can be in the sack?” I tease.

Instead of the taunt I’m expecting back from him, she just blushes. Then, she looks shocked for some reason and looks away. She isn’t even looking at me when she mumbles, “Just get in the bathroom and go preen your feathers, or whatever the hell it is you need to do.”

I stumble my way over to ladies room. I swear to god, I will never understand women. I mean, I am one, so you’d think I’d know how they think, but it seems like anytime I’m talking to a woman, I say something completely harmless and they get all huffy. Steve has only been a woman for five minutes and it’s already happening. Whatever. It’s the-

Holy shit, is that me? I’m looking in the mirror, so it must be me, but I can’t believe it. Ohhh, THAT’S what was so interesting in the bathroom. I don’t look anything like myself. Hell, I barely even look human. I turn my head left, then right. Everything is covered in soft, white feathers that only stop at my jawline. From the chest up, my face is the only part that still looks like me, and then only just. My skin has gotten pale, except around my eyes, where it’s kinda a grayish purple. My mouth is weird too. My teeth feel kind of funny and my lips have turned completely yellow and are getting kind of hard. My nose is the same color, and has gotten bigger, spreading downward.

Peeling my shirt off, I see that I’m pretty much covered in coarse, tan fur. It’s definitely thicker and coarser than it was when I woke up this morning. Yesterday morning. Whatever. Most of my upper chest is bare, which lets me see that my nipples have disappeared. The hell?

“Dammit. I liked those,” I mutter angrily.

The fur also stops about mid-bicep all the way down to mid-forearm, where my skin is suddenly the same bold yellow as my nose and scaly. I feel like I’d like a shower, but I decide against it. Even if I weren’t exhausted, we didn’t think to buy shampoo, much less enough for all this fur. And I have no idea what I’m supposed to do for feathers. I don’t even really need the shirt anymore, so I just leave it off.

Oh well. I can at least brush my teeth. I squirt the paste onto the brush and have at it. But then I feel something small and hard in my mouth. I spit it into the sink. It’s a tooth.

“Oh fuck,” I exclaim. I feel around with my tongue. There’s a gap where one of my canines used to be. That’s why my teeth feel weird; they’re loose. Well isn’t that bitch. I rinse the foam out of my mouth and start poking around. Three more of my front teeth fall out. Shitshitshitshit! Stop that, little guys! Stay in your home! Mommy needs you in your home! The rest are barely hanging in there. My molars seem okay, but no sense in tempting fate.

So much for needing a toothbrush. Steve was so insistent on it before we left. That, and a he told me to bring a towel and always know where it was. I have no idea what that’s about.

Since everything else seems to be cut off to me, that only leaves me one thing left I can do in here. I drop the teeth in the trash, then hit the can. When I’m done, I wash my hands and head back out to the car. I get back into the passenger seat. Steve is sitting behind the wheel, talking on the phone.

“-really can’t tell ya any more th’n that, Mum,” his voice sounds pretty much like what it normally does, except with the hilarious English accent. I barely manage to contain myself as he continues. “Nah, nuthin’ like that. I promise ya ever’thin’s on th’ level. Nuthin’ dangerous.” He pauses. “Muuuum!” Another pause. “Sure, Mum, I know it. I loove ya, too.” Another long pause. “Mum.” Pause. “Mum…. MUM! I’m absolutely knackered, so I’m gunna go. I’ll message ya, when I can.” Pause. “Okay. Loove ya too. Laters. Bye.” ANOTHER pause. “BYE!” Finally, he mashes the “end call” button and lets out a huge sigh. “Mums,” he says, shaking his head.

“Hey, I thought your voice changed,” I point out.

“It did,” she says, sounding girly again and without the accent, “But you forget, I’m a master of voices. Couldn’t call my mum sounding like this, could I?” Steve starts the car up and we continue down the dirt path.

“Why’d you wait until the middle of the night to call her?” I ask.

“Ah, you forget the time difference. It was the middle of the night there when we left,” she lectures. “My parents and my little sister are all just getting up about now. I wanted to let them know what was up.”

“You DID?”

“I left out the specifics. Give me some credit,” she says, sounding offended. “I just don’t want them to worry when I miss my weekly phone call.”

The track ends as we pull up to a cute little “cabin”, if you can call it that. “Shack” may be a better word for it. I mean, it’s nice looking. It has a step up to a little porch on the front with a little grill. And it looks like an old-fashioned log cabin and seems sturdy enough. But jeez, I think I’ve crapped out things bigger than this place. We stop and get out. We walk up to the front door and Steve unlocks it. I flip the light switch.

I take it back. It’s not small. It’s tiny. Inside, it’s maybe 10 feet by 9 feet; just big enough for a bed on the left, a bunk bed on the right, an AC unit in one of the back windows, and some space to stand or store stuff near the door.

“Welp… welcome to our home away from home,” Steve sighs in defeat. He turns around and looks out the front door. “At least it’s secluded enough. We’ll still probably have to stay inside during the day, lest anyone pass by and see us. But at least we’re out of direct sight of any other cabins or tents. We should be able to dash out for a quick trip to the woods without being seen.”

“The woods?” I ask with a smirk, “You looking to commune with the nature spirits?”

She giggles an honest-to-god giggle. “Of course not. But I don’t think we’re going to be able to use the restroom again and I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to try holding it all day.”

“Right,” I cough. “I call the top bunk!” I call.

“Oh? You feel like roosting, birdy?” She giggles again.

I roll my eyes. “Let’s just get unpacking.” I say and start back toward the car.

Steve follows me. “Ehh,” he grunts, “we’re only going to be here two nights before we have to get out. Just nab your essentials and some food.”

Steve is digging through the trunk while I root around in the back seat. I grab a couple bags and heave them out. Normally they’d be no problem, but I’m a little unbalanced.

I get them inside and set them at the foot of the bunk bed. Steve’s just coming back with her second load: his computer bag and some food.

“Oh yeah, speaking of food, here’s something weird,” I tell her, “My teeth are falling out.”

“What!?” she gasps and whips her head to look at me in horror just as she’s at the front step. She hits it wrong and goes spilling across the porch, scattering packages of trail mix all over.

“Ouch. That looks like it hurt,” I sympathize. I help her to her feet, err… hooves.

“Your teeth?” she asks in horror.

“Yeah. See?” I open my mouth wide to show her my missing teeth. I poke at another canine and the thing just drops out into my hand. “Ah, fuck!” I curse.

“Eugh!” Steve groans.

Sigh. Guess I better just get this over with. My molars still seem firm, so I leave them alone and gently pry the rest of my front teeth out.

Steve looks completely disgusted. “Stop that!” she barks. She takes a step to start picking up the dropped food but winces. “Ahh! Bollocks.”

“Y’alright?”

“My shin. Or my ankle? Whatever. I don’t know the specifics of ungulate leg anatomy. I wanged this part,” she points to her lower leg, “on the stair pretty hard.”

I toss my discarded teeth into the underbrush. “Okay, killer, here we go,” I tease and slip her arm around my shoulder. I help her limp inside. “Let’s get you to bed and mommy will pick up your mess.”

Steve collapses onto the single bed like a sack of potatoes with a powerful whump. I go back onto the porch, gather the packages of trail mix into their bag, and bring the rest of her stuff inside, then lock the door.

“There, see? All done. That wasn’t so hard, was-,” I turn to Steve, but I see she’s already asleep. “Oh. Okay then. Be that way.” At least there’s one thing she’s faster than me at.

I flip the light switch and climb up to the top bunk bed. There’s not much point in wearing a lot of clothes now, especially since they barely fit now. I strip down to just my panties and throw the rest down onto the floor. I lie down and just stare up at the ceiling. Man, what a fucked up day. I can’t believe it hasn’t even been twenty four hours since I woke up and had feathers. It feels like it’s been forever. There’s so much shit going through my head, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to sleep. I don’t think I co-

I wake up suddenly. It’s not like normal waking up where consciousness comes slowly and I have to shake the fog away. It’s like someone hit my ON switch and my eyes instantly shoot open. Which, let me tell you, is pretty painful when your eyes have just been closed for hours and it’s really bright.

My hands shoot up to my face to block out the light and I groan. I slowly take them away to let my eyes adjust. That’s why the first thing I see is my hands. They’re all bright yellow and scaly; full on eagle talons now. Except, you know, with thumbs. It goes all the way up to almost my elbow, where it suddenly changes to coarse, tan fur. There’s no transition at all. It’s like someone just took halves of two different things and just glued them together randomly. Sigh. I guess I’m probably done changing now. I can just feel it.

I drop my arms to my sides with another sigh. I just stare up at the unfamiliar ceiling for a minute. I can see those white and purple feathers hanging down like bangs and a yellow thing sticking out in front of my face. Beak? But a minute’s about as long as I can lay there on my back motionless though, because that’s how long it takes me to realize that I’m really uncomfortable. My wings and tail are all pinned and crushed under me and they’re still asleep. I roll over onto my side and look down at myself. My neck stretches around weirdly far.

Shit, if I didn’t know what I was looking at, I’d think I was just seeing a lion laying around at the zoo. With big, ol’ wings. Ach. Wings that are now waking up and are all pins and needles. I spread my wings straight out a couple times to try to get regular feeling back in them. Jeez, does that sting. I don’t know how I know how to move these things, but it feels... well... right. Like it’s completely natural. Whatevs. Don’t question what works.

Come to think of it, my whole body feels like that. Even though I’m suddenly in the body of a cartoon monster, I just feel a million times more comfortable than I ever have before. It’s like I’ve been wearing a suit two sizes too small or a straightjacket my entire life and I never knew it until I suddenly wasn’t, and only now that that everything feels right did I ever realize anything was ever wrong. I don’t know what that means. Don’t question it.

I think back to my dreams from last night. It was more of the same weird fuzzy ones I’ve had since this started. This time it started out with the same shape following me again. It was blue with some more colors on top. Then I feel like it was mad at me and I didn’t see it again. After that was a long string of different colored blobs, and after that a lot of shapes covered in a shiny bronze color. I don’t know what any of that means either. Don’t question it.

I turn my attention to the rest of the room. It looks... off. Maybe it’s just because it’s light out now, but everything looks slightly different. I can’t put my finger on what it is, but it seems like everything is sharper. More focused, with brighter colors. It’s like up until now I’d been watching the world on an old standard definition TV and suddenly everything’s high def. I wonder why that is. No, don’t think about it. Don’t question it.

There’s no point in worrying about any of this stuff. I’m more one for action. So it’s time to get moving. I look down across the room at my partner in crime. He’s all bundled up like a burrito, facing away from me, so all I can see is his purple and light blue hair. Sleeping like a baby. Not for long. I’m gonna get him up and we’re going to make a plan of action.

Okay, first step is getting down there. I drag myself over to the ladder down. Hmmm. This might be a problem. I probably shouldn’t have picked the top bunk before learning how to work my new body. I swing my legs around to the edge and carefully lower them onto a lower rung. I take my time, but I get down the ladder pretty easily. I guess that’s not so different after all. Except now I’m at the bottom and I have no idea what to do now. I release my death grip and immediately fall on my ass. Oww, fuck. I think I bruised my tail. Shit, that smarts.

Okay, keep moving forward. I try to stand up, but it’s not working real well. My body just doesn’t want to stand on two legs. Instead I try all fours. Ohhhhh! That feels much better. I guess this is how I’m supposed to walk now. On four legs. Like an animal. Sigh. Wait, but my hands are still hands. I still have two arms and all, so it’s not really four legs. So I’m supposed to walk on my ha- No, stop thinking about. Don’t question it.

Trying to walk like this is weird and I’m definitely not used to it yet, but I slowly and shakily slide my way to my clothes bag and grab a change of underwear. I shimmy out of the old ones and squeeze into a fresh pair. Then, I push myself along the floor the few feet over to the other bed. I climb up and stand over the person sleeping in it. I take a deep breath and,

“SKREEEAAAAWWWWWW!”

“WAKE UP, LAZY BONES!” I follow up, as if the sound of a giant bird screeching in his face weren’t already enough of an alarm.
 
Her yellow-green eyes shoot open and the second she sees me her pupils are pinpricks. She starts thrashing around, trying to kick me off, the whole time shrieking like a little girl, “Ahhhhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhhhhhh!”
 
Well that wasn’t the reaction I was looking for. I fall back off the side of the bed onto my ass. Ow! Fucking tail again. She’s backed up against the wall and still screaming at me. This has to stop. I shift into a sitting position, hold my hands up in a hopefully non-threatening way, and say as calmly as I can, “Whoa, there. Calm down. It’s just me. Eeeeasy now.”
 
She stops screaming and just sits flattened up against the wall with her hand to her chest, panting. After a little bit, her eyes seem to actually focus on me. She swallows and gasps, “Gayle?”
 
“Jesus, I’m sorry, dude,” I apologize, “I didn’t mean to scare ya. I just woke up and said to myself, ‘Time to wake up that lazy bones and figure out what we’re gonna do.’ I wasn’t trying to give you a heart attack.”
 
She relaxes a little. Then it’s like a floodgate opens up and her face breaks into a furious scowl. “God damnit, Gil! You almost fucking killed me!” she yells and punches me in the shoulder.
 
“Jeez! I said I was sorry, lazy bones. I was just trying to play a little prank,” I say. She doesn’t have to be such a baby about it.
 
“What the hell did you think was going to happen!? I was going to wake up with a giant predator screaming in my face and I was just going to turn a deaf ear and laugh it off!? I’m a prey species now! Like, instincts or something. I thought I was going to be eaten,” she continues to rant.
 
Then, as if she’d never been mad at all, she blinks her eyes a few times and cocks her head. “You keep calling me “lazy bones”, she says, more a question than a statement.
 
“Huh, I guess I do,” I agree.
 
“Uhhhhhh… why?”
 
“I don’t know,” I admit, “You’re always sleeping and I needed to wake you up. Seemed like the thing to call you. That’s what people call lazy people.”
 
“No one has used that expression in, what, sixty years and you just suddenly start using it?” she asks doubtfully.
 
“I don’t know. It just came out. It felt right. I don’t know what to tell ya,” I shrug.
 
She looks thoughtful. “Hmmm. Maybe it’s like how I keep calling you ‘Gilda’. Crap, I think ‘Lazy Bones’ may be my pony name.” She wipes her hand down her face. “Awwww, that’s awful.”
 
I laugh. “I don’t know, I think it’s perfect for you, Lazy Bones.” I make a “come here” wave and say, “Now come down from there and let’s have some breakfast.”
 
Lazy Bones slides down to the edge of the bed and carefully stands up. She’s still walking on two legs, but the rest of us aren’t so lucky.  She grabs the bag with the food in it while I stand and kind of slide my feet along the floor to move. Lazy holds up some packages and opens her mouth to talk when all of a sudden,
 
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

“Hello?” a man asks, “Is everything alright in there? We were passing by and we heard screaming.”
 
Fuck and goddamn! Our first day out and we’re about to get found out already. What are we going to do? Lazy will know; she’s smart. We both turn to each other. Her eyes are wide in panic and she mouths at me, “What’re we gonna do?” Shit!
 
I mouth back, “I don’t know!” I start looking around wildly to look for an answer. It’s just lucky we have the shades down.
 
“Hellooo?” the man asks again.
 
Oh man, are we fucked. I’m about ready to bust out a back window when Lazy speaks up, “Uh, we’re all fine in here! Thanks for asking!” She sounds mostly like her old self. Anyone who knew her would be able to tell the difference, but for some random asshole putting his nose where it doesn’t belong, she sounds like a regular human guy.
 
“Are you sure?” asks the man, “We heard screaming.”
 
Man, just go the fuck away. Lazy Bones answers, “Yes. All good. Thank you. Good bye!”
 
“Well, alright then,” he says slowly. It sounds like he’s gone. Thank god.
 
Lazy Bones and I look at each other and I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
 
“Hey!” the man calls again. GODDAMIT, leave, motherfucker! “You want some food? My friends down a couple cabins just fried up some lunch. If you open up, I can give you some if you want,” he offers.
 
“No thank you,” Lazy Bones answers, annoyed, “We’re not decent. We’re in the middle of something if you know what I mean… Right, honey?” She looks at me, pleading with a “go ahead” gesture.
 
Oh. Right. Here I go. “Uh, yeah! We’re gettin’ real busy right now! So go away!” I shout in my  deepest voice. Lazy facepalms and lets out a hard breath.
 
“Ohhhh. Okaaaaay,” the man trails off. This time we can hear him walk off the porch and away.
 
Lazy peeks out the blinds. “There he goes.” She sighs then she wheels on me. “You’re a fucking idiot.”
 
“What?”
 
“Could you have been more obvious? And what was with that voice?” she demands.
 
“I thought that’s what we were doing.”
 
“He’s going to think we’re two guys fucking in here, Smarty Arty Orange,” she berates.
 
“Well,” I pause, “better than him thinking we’re a pony and a, uhh, griffon.”
 
“Touché,” she chuckles. I start to laugh too. Then we’re both laughing long and hard and it feels good. We both trail off and Lazy mutters, “What a fucking situation this is.”
 
Just then, my stomach growls and I remember I’m absolutely starving to death.
 
“Uh oh. We better get some food in that thing before you decide I look tasty,” she teases. “Heads up!” She takes a couple pieces of jerky and tosses me the package. I raise an eyebrow at her. She shrugs. “What? This may be my last chance to eat meat. I’d prefer a corned beef sandwich, but I’ll have to take what I can get and keep a stiff upper lip.”

I don’t have anything to say to that, so I just take a few strips myself. We sit and eat our lousy breakfast or lunch or whatever of dried meat, granola, and water. I’m more focused on eating than talking, Lazy tells me about a weird dream she had last night.
 
It was nighttime and the moon was all big and yellow with a big goofy face. Its mouth opened up and a ladder dropped down. Then, a man came out and the face on the moon disappeared. He climbed down the ladder, introduced himself as the Man in the Moon, and flew away.
 
I really don’t give two shits about hearing other people’s crazy dreams, so I concentrate on eating with my new mouth. Luckily for me, I still have my back teeth, so I can still chew. I don’t want to think about what it’d be like if I only had a beak.
 
A beak… That makes me think about how I’ve changed. I wonder what my face looks like. I swallow a handful of bland, dry granola. I clear my throat. “Hey Lazy...”
 
“Don’t call me that,” she spits.
 
“Huh? But that’s your name,” I say in confusion. Seriously, man. Girls are crazy.
 
“Allegedly. Even if it is, I don’t like it. It sounds like you’re insulting me when you say it,” she grumbles.
 
“Um, okay. How about Bones?” I offer.
 
She sighs. “Fine.”
 
“Okay then, little miss snippy,” I roll my eyes, “if you’re done with your little fit, you mind telling me how I look?”
 
“How do you mean?” Bones asks.
 
“Like, I’m pretty sure I’m done changing and I can’t see myself. I’m just wondering what I look like,” I explain.
 
“Oh! Hold on a tick!” she exclaims. She goes to the door and cracks it open. She peeks out. She looks back at me. “I’m going to grab a bag from the car.” With that, she rushes out to the car and starts digging through the back. Meanwhile, I shift into a different sitting position.
 
Bones rushes back in and locks the door. She opens her bag and hands me a hand mirror.
 
“Why would you even have this?” I ask.
 
“As I’ve said, I’m prepared for whatever may come,” she reminds me.
 
She says something else but I’m not listening anymore. I’m too hypnotized by what I’m seeing in the mirror. I look just like the picture Bones- I mean Steve- showed me back at home. My head is a different shape than it used to be; kinda long; and completely covered in the white feathers, except for big patches around my eyes, where they’re purple. And oh my god, my mouth. Or really, my beak. Kids used to make fun of my nose by calling it a beak, but this is ridiculous.
 
“Hold this,”  I command Bones and shove the mirror into her hands. I shuffle backwards and try to get a look at what I look like as a whole. “Oh. My. God. I look…”
 
“Oh Gil. It’s not so-”
 
“AWESOME! I mean, look at me! Look at my face! And these claws! And my wings!” I spread my wings. They almost touch both walls. Bones looks surprised and a little intimidated. “I look like a total badass! I feel like a total badass! I’ve never felt better in my life, and that’s saying something since I was pretty fucking amazing to start with.”

“Okay, okay.” Bones tries to calm me.
 
“No, seriously. I feel amazing!” I keep going, flapping my wings, “I have so much energy I want to go out and run a marathon! I can’t even walk right now, and I don’t know how running on my hands is going to work, but I’ll figure something out because I’m Gilda, certified asskicker, and I feel great. I feel like I can feel the air. Everything looks sharper and colors are brighter. ” I realize everything I’m saying is true.
 
“That may not be your imagination,” answers Bones, “You do have literal eagle eyes now. Though, I don’t know why it would have taken so long for them to kick in. Your eyes changed first. You’d think improved eyesight would start at the same time.”
 
I’m about to respond, but she continues, “And while I’m on the issue, how can you even talk with a beak?”
 
“Huh?”
 
“Well, I mean, you don’t have lips. How can you speak normally? Beaks aren’t flexible enough to allow speech.”
 
I try to answer but she just keeps on going, “And another thing; your lower half, where your reproductive system is, is mammalian. Why would your genitals be avian based? It doesn’t make sense. And then-“
 
“OKAY!” I stop her. “Unless you’re planning on giving me a more in-depth look, that is ENOUGH about my genitals. And THAT’S what doesn’t make sense? You’re cool with the made up badguy magically changing us into characters from a cartoon, but my beak is just too far?”
 
“Now just hold on a moment,” she argues, “We don’t know for sure there’s any magic involved. As far as we know, magic doesn’t exist.”
 
“Ummm….”
 
“Yes yes, I know,” she waves me off, “But something scientific is a much more reasonable explanation. Some sort of advanced gene therapy or retrovirus or nanotech. Something along those lines could change us. The only reason I’m even considering the possibility of magic is the dreams. I don’t know that genetic engineering could give us basically the same dream.”
 
“Um, can’t you test it? Can’t ponies do magic?” I ask.
 
“Just unicorns,” she answers.
 
“And that’s not what you are?”
 
“No, I am. Or I will be? I guess I am sorta already.” She’s rambling again.
 
Bones drops her head and runs her hands through her messy purple and blue hair. “Oh, this would be easier if you knew anything about the show.” Then she looks back up at me with a manic look in her eye. Uh oh. I know that look. “Oh ho ho… And you’re trapped in here with me. Oh, you are getting a crash course in all things Equestrian, my feathered friend.”
 
Oh jesus, here we go. The fucking dweeb king- err queen- is back in control. She grabs her computer bag and whips out her laptop. She pushes me back onto the bottom bunk bed and plunks herself down next me.
 
“Is this really necessary?” I ask and roll my eyes.
 
“You have to admit, the subject is kind of in your wheelhouse now. It may be helpful to know,” Bones answers.
 
I give an exaggerated sigh. “Fiiiiine. But just one thing first.”
 
“What’s that?”
 
“You never answered my question,” I remind her.
 
“Huh?”
 
“’How do I look?’”
 
Bones leans back and looks my up and down. I get the feeling she’s really looking at me. She has this intense kind of look on her face that’s both interested and confused. Finally, she answers, “You look good, Gilda. You look like… you.”
 
I lightly chuckle at that. I think that’s a pretty high compliment.  I spread my wings. “So are you going to teach me how to fly too?” I ask.
 
“Don’t be silly,” she scolds me, “Despite what you may see on the show, griffon and especially pegasus wings are too small to realistically be able to provide enough lift to allow them to fly.”
 
“Awwwwwwwww,” I pout. What a fucking a gyp. At least they look awesome.
 
Bones opens her laptop and logs in. Her desktop wallpaper looks like some old turn of the millennium default wallpaper with a green hill and a blue sky. Except that it looks like a blue pony with wings and a rainbow tail has crashed through it.

“Hey! It’s Dash,” I point out.
 
Bones turns to me with a suspicious look. “I thought you didn’t know anything about the show.”
 
“I… I don’t,” I mutter in confusion. Suddenly two puzzle pieces come together. “I think I’ve been seeing her in my dreams.”
 
“Really?” she asks in surprise, “But that would mean th- No. Not going to question it. Let’s just get started.”
 

 
 Other than a bathroom break, where we took turns standing lookout, we spent the rest of the morning and the beginning of the afternoon with Bones teaching me about the ponies. Unicorns, pegasi, earth ponies, princesses, Elements of Harmony, etc. We watched a couple episodes of the show, including the two with me in them. Um, I mean, with the real Gilda. I have to admit, I- she- was a real bitch in the first one. But I’m glad she redeemed herself and made up with Dash in season five.
 
Right now, we’re watching the last episode. It’s pretty fucking grim. This Discord motherfucker is a real piece of shit. He’s just zapped Twilight into dust and now he’s gloating about it. The screen turns black and the credits roll. Wait. It seems like there should be something more there.
 
I turn to Bones. “Didn’t you say there was another scene where Gilda and her squadron from the Cloudsdale City Guard fight Discord?”
 
“What? No,” she answers, looking confused herself. “No, there was supposed to be a scene where he’s just rampaging through Manehattan. This file must have cut out the last scene. Where’d you get that other idea from?”
 
Where did I get it from?
 
“Well I never told you that,” Bones says. Shit, was I thinking out loud again?
 
“Okay, what’s next?” I ask.
 
Bones flexes her fingers. “Ehh. My hands are a little sore from all of this typing. My fingers are getting stiff and I’m kind of tired. I think I’m going to take a nap.”
 
“But we just got up a few hours ago!” I point out.
 
“Yeah, but I’m a growing pony. I needs mah beauty sleep,” she says. I can actually see her eyelids getting droopy. She crosses over to her bed. “You can use my computer and keep learning about the show or go clop or whatever. Knock yourself out.” She lays down and closes her eyes.
 
“Really, Bones?" I ask in annoyance.
 
She doesn’t answer.
 
“Don’t think you’re fooling me this easily,” I warn her.
 
Still no answer.
 
“Don’t you fucking ignore me,” I grumble.
 
She snores.
 
Oh. She really is asleep. Damn, this girl is a world champion sleeper.
 
I sigh. Well I think I’m good on watching cartoons for a while. I set the computer aside, careful not to close it. She never told me her password, so I wouldn’t be able to log back in. I have something more important to learn: walking. I never went a day without taking a run since I was in a training bra, until yesterday. And now I’ll be damned if I let a little thing like not knowing how to walk stop Gilda from doing what she loves.
 
I drop down onto the floor and stand on all fours. Okay… relearning to walk. Here we go. First step: the first step. I pick my hand up off the floor, slowly move my arm forward, and place it back down. Alright, that wasn’t so hard. One down, infinity more to go…
 

I spent a while relearning how to walk. It was tough at first and I fell over a lot, but I did it. Then I moved on to running. It’s kind of difficult to practice moving around when you only have about ten steps to work with, but I made due. Then I spent a while surfing the net. Thank god for wifi out in the boonies.
 
At one point that same asshole came back and knocked on our door, asking about joining him and his friends for dinner. The noise didn’t wake Bone up. Didn’t even roll over in her sleep. So I just kept quiet and let the guy think we were out. If this guy is going to be super nosy like this, it might be a good thing we’re out of here after tonight.
 
I’m just about to start watching yet another cat video when Bones wakes up. She lets out a huge yawn and smacks her lips. I can see her face is starting to change shape, like into a muzzle or something.
 
“Ehhhrrm, morning,” she greets me.
 
“It’s, like, seven at night, Lazy.”
 
“Whatever,” she sniffs. “I had another really weird dream.”
 
“Uh huh,” I mumble, not really listening.
 
“We were standing by a road,” she starts. Oh jeez, here we go again. “I don’t think it was a bus stop because it didn’t seem like it and it was in the middle of nowhere. But it must have been because we were standing there and a bus stopped. The door opened and Iron Will was driving. Remember? That’s the minotaur,” she reminds me.
 
“And we got on and the Flim Flam Brothers were on there and greeted us,” she continues, “And Trixie was there, and a Diamond Dog, and that dickhole dragon from Dragon Quest, and some parasprites. With them and you there, it was like the official minor villain cross country tour.”
 
“That’s amazing,” I moan, completely bored. “Now get up. We’re eating some dinner and then we’re going out,” I order.
 
“Out?”
 
“I’m gettin’ antsy cooped up in here. We did what you wanted to do, so now we’re gonna do what I want to do. And I want to go for a run,” I tell her.
 
Bones gets up and we share another boring meal of dry fruit and trail mix and shit. I’m beginning to wish we’d bought more jerky than we did. Bones says it’s not sitting well with her, so I guess that’s more for me later.
 
But that’s not the worst problem she had. When trying to open a package, she found out her fingers getting stiff earlier wasn’t from using the computer. Her hands are finally turning into hooves. They still look like hands, but they’re starting to turn blue and she can barely move her fingers. She can sort of use them like hooks, but she made a real mess all over.
 
Now we’re fed and I’m ready to get my run in. Bones grabs a book, then we make sure the coast is clear and we make a break for the cover of the woods. I’m finally steady as a rock, but Bones is even shakier on her hooves than ever. Because of this, the going is slow, but I help her along until we’re pretty deep into the forest. We stop in a large, roundish clearing. We shouldn’t be found so far out here, especially now that the sun is setting.
 
Bones sits down on a log and I start stretching my legs. “How far are you planning on running?” she asks me.
 
“I dunno,” I respond, “I feel like I could run thirty miles.”
 
“Well maybe you should just run laps around this clearing,” she suggests, sounding worried, “If you go off, then we’re separated and you could get lost and I’m by myself in the middle of the forest and-“
 
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down,” I calm her. “That’s what I was planning anyway. Why would I bring you out here and then immediately leave you?”
 
“Oh, okay…”
 
“Ha, you’re scared of the woods!” I tease her.
 
“No, I’m not!” Bones argues.
 
“Oh ho hooo! You’re totally fucking scared! Wittle baby Larry scared of da big bad woods!” I taunt.
 
“Sh- shut up!” she shouts.
 
“What? No witty comeback?” I jab.
 
“Yeah, I’m scared! Okay!?” she admits. “I’ve never been camping before. I’ve lived in cities my entire life. I’ve never been this far away from civilization before! And now I’m transforming and my hands don’t work and I can barely walk and it’s getting dark and I don’t want to be here all alone!” she sobs. She sits there, panting.
 
“Oh. Okay, jeez, sorry,” I half-heartedly apologize, “I didn’t know it was that big a deal.”
 
“’salright,” she sniffs. She wipes her eyes with the backs of her hands. “Stupid female hormones…” she mumbles more to herself than to me.
 
“Um, well, okay then,” I say awkwardly and scratch the back of my head. “I’m gonna get started. You gonna be okay here?”
 
Bones holds up her book and nods at me.
 
I jog over to the tree line and do a couple more stretches. I glance back over at Lazy Bones. She’s already reading, a small light in one hand, lighting the page in the soft glow. I take a deep breath, and then I’m off. At first, I start off slow to get a feel for my new body; my stride, my gait.
 
After I’m pretty sure I’ve got a good feel for myself, I pick up the pace. Time to test my limits. I break out and push myself as fast as I can run. I can feel my muscles burning and heart beating and my blood pumping, and the dirt beneath my feet, and the wind in my feathers and fur.
 
I feel alive. I love running because it’s when I feel the most… everything. When I’m cutting loose and giving it my all, going as fast as I can, that’s when I feel really alive. It’s like all the rest of the time I’m asleep, and when I’m going fast is the only time I’m awake. I really do feel the need for speed. I’m not sure if any of that makes sense or if I can really describe it at all. I guess all I can say is this: when I run, I’m ME. More me than any other time.
 
But despite all of that, right now, running as fast as I can… I feel like I could go faster. I’m pushing my legs to their limit, as fast they can carry me, but I still feel like it’s not enough. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel amazing. It just feels like I’m stuck in first gear.
 
I look over at Bones. Her book is in her lap and she’s watching me in awe. When she notices I’m looking, she quickly turns her attention back to her book. Even from this far away and with almost no light, I can see she’s got it upside down.
 
Eventually, I slow down. I’ve tested my limits, now it’s time to just pace myself. I just need to keep my blood flowing and burn off my extra energy. I don’t know how long I’m at this. It could be five minutes or five hours. I’ve lost all track of time. I go into a trance and just run.
 
“Hey Gil!” Bones shouts and brings me back to my senses. “Why don’t you call it a night?”
 
I slow down and trot over to her. “How long was I going for?” I ask.
 
She checks her phone. “About an hour and a half. It’s nine o’clock.”
 
I look up at the sky and sure enough, the moon is out. I whistle. “It doesn’t feel like it. I feel like I could go another hour and half at top speed.” Don’t ask how I whistled. I’m not sure. Apparently I can. Whatevs.
 
“Well, why don’t we pack it in and head back and you can do three hours tomorrow?” she offers, “I’m getting cold and creeped out.”
 
“Yeah, okay,” I give in. “Just let me cool down first.”
 
I walk around and stretch a little bit to cool myself down. Bones is still sitting on her log watching me. I walk back over to her and plop my butt down beside her. We sit in silence, Bones thinking whatever it is that Bones thinks and me just letting my heart slow down. I look up at the sky.
 
“Moon’s big tonight,” I comment.
 
“Waxing gibbous,” she replies.
 
“Huh? Wax gibbons?”
 
“No. Waxing gibbous,” she corrects me. “It just means the moon is between half and full. I think it should be full tomorrow.”
 
“Whatever you say,” I shrug. After a few seconds I follow up, “It’s pretty.”
 
“Yes, I suppose it is,” Bones agrees, “And there are so many stars. I’ve never really sat and stared up at the sky like this. You never really get this sort of view in the city.”
 
“Nope.”
 
We sit in silence and look at the sky another couple minutes. Then a shadow flies in front of the moon. At first I think it’s a bat, but it’s way too big. And definitely the wrong shape.
 
Bones and I quickly turn to each other. “Was that?” I ask.
 
Bones confirms it. “A pegasus!?”