Crash!
“OW. SUN OF A BITCH”
“I told you to watch out for the fucking door,” Arbiter spat as the Chief slowly got up to his feet, clutching at his head as he stared at the outside world through a Chief-shaped hole in the wall. “Try to remember that you’re like, 14 feet tall instead of six inches so be careful.” He turned to Twilight. “I’m sorry about the door. We’re just not used to these new bodies yet.”
“It’s okay, I can fix it,” Twilight replied. True to her word, one or two glows of her horn later and the library’s entrance was as good as new.
“Very impressive. If only that worked on the 360; we wouldn’t have had to buy another one when the disc drive messed up on our old one.” Twilight gave him an odd look. “It’s like a computer.”
“Actually, I’m not very good at magically repairing electronic devices yet,” Twilight admitted.
“I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it eventually,” the Arbiter assured her. “We should get moving, though; it looks like Chief’s getting a little restless.”
“cum 0n Arbiter I wun get their B 4 teh fucking Rapture k?” Twilight and Arbiter shared a sigh and started towards Sugarcube Corner at a brisk yet relaxed pace.
“So...how did you guys get here again?” Twilight asked.
“I don’t have the slightest idea,” Arbiter replied with a shrug. “The last thing either of us remembers is waking up here. Forgive the ridiculousness of my next question but did any of you have anything to do with our arrival? I mean, you do use magic and at this point, I’m willing to consider every option.”
“I don’t think so,” Twilight replied, considering the Arbiter’s idea. “In order for something to magically appear, one has to visualize it in their mind. Since nopony’s ever seen you two before, I don’t think it could have been us.”
“That makes sense,” Arbiter conceded.
“ARBITER YOUR SLOWER TAHN A FUCKING GLAYSHEYER WITH AIDS HURRY TEH FUCK UP I WANTS CUPCAEKS”
“Is he usually so...eloquent?” Twilight asked.
“No. Sometimes, he can be quite offensive.” Arbiter joked, earning a small chuckle of appreciation from their lavender friend.
“What’s his story, anyway?”
“I don’t really know,” Arbiter admitted with another shrug. “I arrived brand-new in a box late one afternoon and the first thing I saw after getting out was...” He paused, wondering if he should share the first of many incidences involving the kitchen knife. “...a massive stack of video games. Being the gamer that I am and the complete idiot he is, I guess the rest is history.”
“Video games?”
“Oh, right. They’re a form of electronic entertainment in which the user interacts with a computer program in order to play a game. I’m sorry for the vague explanation but it is difficult to describe them without a suitable frame of reference.”
“So they’re like...board games you play on a TV?”
“More or less.”
“Fascinating...” Twilight mused as they reached the center of town, prompting many stares from other ponies. “So that’s what Princess Luna was talking about...”
“WTF ARBITER THAY R LOOKED @ US LIEK WE HAS FUCKING ELEPHANT MANS DISEASE”
“Well, we are eight-foot tall aliens, Chief.”
“You two are rather unique, even with all the ‘critters’ that like to pay us visits every so often,” Twilight explained.
“u meen liek teh goddamn bear and teh fucking hydra in episode...mmmph!” With that, Arbiter grabbed him and quickly put him in a headlock, much to Twilight’s surprise.
“Excuse us for a second, please,” Arbiter said hastily as he strong-armed a stubborn Chief into a deserted-looking backstreet.
“WTF IS UR PROBLIMS ARBITER?”
“I don’t know why but I have the feeling that we should keep anything related to the show to ourselves. We don’t know how they would react and I don’t feel like destroying the fabric of space-time over a cartoon.”
“U R JUST EGGS AGGRAVATING”
“I’m not ‘exaggerating’, Chief. Let’s just go along with things for now and not reveal anything more than we need to.”
“fine if it r gon maek u : )”
“It would make me very ‘happy face’, Chief.”
“LIEK UR MOM LOLOLOLOLOL”
“You’re disgusting. Let’s get back; I don’t want to arouse suspicion by being gone too long.”
“lolololol arowze”
“Is everything okay?” Twilight asked as they returned.
“Yes, everything’s fine,” Arbiter replied, giving the Chief a gentle nudge. “Right, Chief?”
“ITS K”
“Great!” Twilight chirped. “While you were gone, I took the liberty of drawing up a checklist of things to do around Ponyville!” With that, she produced a long roll of parchment from within a saddlebag. “With this, we should be able to find something to lift your friend’s spirits. How does that sound?”
“I think it’s a great plan,” Arbiter agreed. “What do you think, Chief?” There was a pause as the Chief simply stared at Twilight before picking her up and hugging her.
“taht r y u r awsum possum. I meen awesum pony. ROFL” Arbiter couldn’t help but smile at the Chief’s rather uncommon show of affection. “U has teh awesomest ideas.”
“I think we’re off to a good start,” Twilight replied as the Chief gently set her down. “We’re almost at Sugarcube Corner. Why don’t we have a snack there and figure out what we want to do first?”
“Are you sure we’re not keeping you from anything?” Arbiter asked. “Chief can be demanding at times and I would hate to see you get behind on anything because of us.”
“Don’t worry, I finished the grand majority of my work last night,” Twilight assured him. “Besides, you two are great study material anyway.”
“Well, I’m glad that we’re making ourselves useful,” Arbiter said.
‘OMFG ARBITER CZECH IT 0UT IT R HOWSE MAED OF FUCKING CANDY”
“Let me guess; ‘Sugarcube Corner’?” Arbiter asked.
“WELL WAHT TEH FUCK ELSE WULD IT BEE?”
“That’s right,” Twilight said as they approached the front entrance. “Best bakery in Ponyville!”
“You mean best bakery in all of Equestria!” a very excited voice exclaimed behind them.
“OMGWTF”
“Jesus Christ!”
“No, I’m Pinkie Pie!” a bright-pink pony and undoubtedly the source of the earlier comment greeted with a huge smile, followed by a gasp. “Oh my gosh! You must be new here! I mean, I know everyone in Ponyville which means that if I’ve never seen you two before that means you guys must be new and that means...new friends! Yay!” Finished with her salutation, she took a few seconds to look them over. “What are you guys?” she asked with an air of curiosity as if just noticing that moment their rather obvious and unique traits.
“My name is the Arbiter. I’m an...”
“Hi, Arbiter!” Pinkie exclaimed, grabbing his hand and rapidly shaking it.
“HELLO I AM MASTUR CH33F LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL”
“Hi, ‘Mastur Ch33f’!” Pinkie replied, eagerly shaking his hand as well.
“lol arbiter it r liek wii speek teh same land gauge”
“‘Language’, Chief.”
“WTF I R NOT EVEN SWEARED FUCKING RETARD”
“Never mind. It’s nice to meet you, Miss...”
“Just call me Pinkie! All my friends do and since you’re both my new friends, that means you can too!”
“I can haz cupcaeks nao plz?”
“Sure! You know what they say: cupcakes are part of a complete breakfast!” Pinkie added, leading them into Sugarcube Corner.
“SEA ARBITER?” Chief said as they followed the bouncing pink pony into the shop. “TIHS R TEH PROMISED LAND”
“We’ll see, Chief.”
25 minutes and 12 dozen cupcakes later...
“I still can’t believe you haven’t dropped dead from the 84 cupcakes you just ate.” Arbiter commented as they finally left. “It was almost as bad as the time you poured a cup and a half of Ovaltine onto your morning bowl of Nesquick.”
“I still can’t believe you actually beat Pinkie Pie at a cupcake-eating contest!” Twilight exclaimed. “I’ll bet she’s still standing there with her mouth open!”
“wat can I say?” the Chief said with a shrug. “I R GET LOTS OF PRAKTISS”
“Can’t argue that,” Arbiter agreed. “Still, I think we should forgo any further attempts to achieve self-inflicted diabetes
and move on to something a little less hazardous to our health. Is there something in particular you’d like to do?”
“I wun c Rainbow Dash. I gots 2 lern 2 flies, Arbiter” Twilight shot the Arbiter a strange look, to which he replied with a shrug.
“Can you arrange a meeting with this ‘Rainbow Dash’?” Arbiter asked.
“As long as she’s not working on any stunts or on weather duty, that shouldn’t be a problem,” Twilight assured them. Momentarily, as if sent from the heavens above, a cyan pegasus promptly crashed head-on into a surprised Arbiter, sending them both to the ground.
“What the fine-toothed Hell was that?” Arbiter asked in a daze of the winged pony sitting on his chest. She smiled sheepishly and rolled off him and onto her hooves.
“Oh, heh, heh. Sorry about that. New trick. Landing still needs a little work,” the prismatic pegasus offered by way of apology.
“It’s okay,” Arbiter replied as he lay on the ground in pain. “Total body paralysis is supposed to be character-building.”
“Must you crash into every new visitor who comes to town?” Twilight chided.
“Hey, he just happened to be standing in the wrong place at the wrong time!” Rainbow replied defensively.
“culd u plz do that agen?”
“You’re an asshole, Chief. I just saw my entire life flash before my eyes for fuck sakes.”
“lol I bet it r look liek ten thowsand geh guys having a motherfucking bukkake party”
“Chief, shut up!” Arbiter hissed as he sat up to find both ponies staring at them. “Sorry about him. He has a rather wild imagination, I’m afraid.”
“LULZ SHUR ARBITER SURE IT R JUST MAI IMAGINAYSHUNS”
“As I was about to say, you must be Rainbow Dash.” Arbiter continued.
“That’s right and I’m the fastest, most awesome, most talented pegasus in Equestria!” Dash answered proudly, taking up a heroic pose.
“And clearly the most modest as well.” Arbiter added.
“You’ve heard of me?”
“In a manner of speaking,” Arbiter quickly replied, seeing a brief and thinly-veiled look of suspicion on Twilight’s face. Oops, almost forgot myself for a second, he thought, hoping that he hadn’t just let the cat out of the bag. “I mean, you’re so famous so how could anyone not have heard about you...right?”
“Right! Of course!” Dash beamed. “So, who’s your friend?” she asked, settling into a hover beside the Chief.
“HELLO I AM MASTUR CH33F LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL” Arbiter sighed and face-palmed.
“Must you introduce yourself like that to every new person...er, pony that we come across?” he asked, mirroring Twilight, who gave him an understanding smile.
“‘Sup, Chief,” Rainbow replied, offering the giganto-sized action figure a brohoof, which he eagerly accepted. “You seem pretty cool. Wanna hang out, maybe pull some pranks?”
“fuck ya I <3 trolling. :)”
“Sweet! Let’s go!”
“Ooh! I wanna troll too!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she bolted out of Sugarcube Corner, apparently fully recovered from her stomach-ache.
“But there aren’t any trolls around...” Twilight began as Dash and Chief took off, leaving a cloud of dust in their wake. “...Ponyville.” She looked up at the Arbiter. “Are they...is he...gonna be okay by himself? I mean, he’s not exactly by himself per se but Rainbow and Pinkie aren’t exactly the greatest foalsitters in the world.”
“Trust me, he’s so star-struck right now I doubt he’ll even put one foot out of line,” Arbiter assured her whilst trying to convince himself. “Of course, it is Chief so maybe it’s best if we don’t leave them to their own devices for too long.”
“I suppose you’re right,” Twilight replied.
“Do you have anything you need to do? I’m not keeping you from anything important, am I?” Arbiter asked.
“Not really. I was hoping to get in some research on a paper I’ve been working on but I guess I can postpone that until tomorrow.”
“If you like, maybe I can assist you with it. I don’t know anything about magic but sometimes it helps to have someone around to bounce ideas off of even if they are not very well-versed in the subject matter.” Arbiter suggested. Twilight thought about it before answering with a smile.
“I’d like that.”