Twilight yawned as she descended the stairs to the main floor of the library, hungry for some breakfast. She rubbed her eyes as she passed her desk...and paused. She looked down upon the desk and carefully regarded the two strange objects wrapped in rolled-up pieces of parchment.
“Hmm...” she mused, lifting the taller one with her magic. After a brief yet thorough once-over, she shrugged and set it down. “Looks like Spike left his toys out again. How many times do I have to...?” Her grumbling faded as she continued on towards the kitchen, leaving the Arbiter to breathe a sigh of relief.
“Jesus Christ...” he muttered, holding a three-fingered hand to his forehead. “I manage to abstain from any alcohol consumption whatsoever and my head still feels like it’s been in a fucking vice.”
“ARBITER. ARBITER. HELP ME. HLEP ME PLIXY PLOX. TIHS FUCKING PAPER R TRYINGS 2 HOMO SIDE ME” The Arbiter groaned and turned to look at the Chief. He couldn’t help but laugh as the Chief tried in vain to escape the tightly-rolled piece of parchment.
“What have I told you about getting so wrapped up in things?” the Arbiter asked with the best smirk his plastic face could manage. “Just stay cozy for now until I have established a line of communication with that purple horse.” The Arbiter did a double-take as he mentally reviewed his last statement. Had he just actually said that?
“GOD DAMNIT ARBITER GET ME TEH FUCK OUT B4 I FUCKING STUFF VACATE”
“I think you mean ‘suffocate’.”
“thats wat I sed”
“No it isn’t,” the Arbiter rebuked. “Besides, ‘stuff vacate’ sounds marvellously revolting and I’d rather not be within 10,000 kilometres of you when you ‘vacate’ your ‘stuff’, not that my disgust stops you from doing so all over the Goddamn apartment whenever the mood strikes, which seems to be every four fucking minutes.”
“wahts can I sez, arbiter” the Chief replied with a shrug, hamstrung somewhat by the fact that he was still wound up tighter than a monkey’s nuts. “wehn I gots 2 I gots twos. I r a mans, arbiter. Dun four get taht”
“As much as a conversation regarding your ludicrously obsessive masturbation habits sounds like a fantastic way to pass the time, I think we should focus on establishing a half-decent rapport with the locals. Perhaps then we can find out why we’re here and how to get home.” the Arbiter replied, helping the Chief escape his papery prison.
“thats bettar” Chief commented as he picked himself up and looked around. “wear teh fuck r Twilight Sparkle?”
“Do I look like a stable hand to you?” Arbiter asked. “She probably went to get some oats or whatever these things eat in the morning.”
“fuck oats, cupcakes is wai better” the Chief replied, jumping off the table.
“Chief! What the Hell are you doing?” Arbiter demanded. “We need to stay here where we won’t get crushed under 100 fucking pounds of pony hooves.”
“FUCK THAT, I R GON GO GET NOMS” Chief replied as he made his way to the kitchen. “THER BETTER B SUM MOTHERFUCKING POP TARTS UP IN THIS BITCH” Arbiter face-palmed and was in the middle of racking his brain for a way to save his idiot friends’ ass when the pony in question returned to the desk, levitating a bowl of oats bathed in a purple glow behind her. She saw him standing up and stopped just short of the desk. They regarded each other carefully as if afraid to inadvertently spook the other.
“...Hello...?” Twilight ventured.
“Hello! My name is the Arbiter.” There was a pause as the lavender unicorn simply stood and stared. “I know how this looks, believe me. First of all, I would like to apologize for sneaking into...”
“Oh my goodness!” Twilight exclaimed, grabbing a very surprised Arbiter between her front hooves. She leaned down and stared at him wide-eyed as he struggled in vain to loosen her grip. “This is amazing! I mean, I’ve seen non-living objects animated before but they’ve never been able to speak!” She gasped and continued her excited rant. “You even sound intelligent! Where are you from? How in Celestia’s name did you get here?” She finally seemed to notice his struggles and gently set him down on the desk, accompanied by a bashful “Sorry about that”.
“It’s okay. It’s just that we’re not exactly brand-new anymore and I’m not quite as resilient as I once was.”
“What do you mean ‘brand-new’?” Twilight asked, clearly confused by the Arbiter’s choice of words.
“I’m an action figure...a toy,” Arbiter explained. “My friend and I arrived here last night through unknown means, which reminds me...” Twilight looked puzzled as the small plastic figure looked about the room. “Chief? Are you still in the...” A loud crash followed by a “God fucking damnit” answered his question.
“What was that?” Twilight asked, surprised by the sudden noise.
“I apologize in advance for my compatriot,” the Arbiter said as apologetically as his monotone voice would allow. “The Chief can be quite the handful sometimes. I believe the crash you just heard was some kind of convoluted and poorly-executed scheme to acquire some breakfast. I sincerely apologize for this inconvenience.”
“It’s no trouble at all,” Twilight assured him with a smile. “I mean, how many times does somepony get to meet a living toy?” Arbiter breathed a sigh of relief.
“I must admit that an encounter with someone who isn’t either immediately repulsed or shocked by my appearance is a rather nice respite,” the Arbiter replied, grateful that the mare in question hadn’t simply stomped them from existence on sight.
“Why would I be repulsed by something so fascinating?” Twilight asked with a warm smile. “And don’t worry about your friend; it’s nothing a simple clean-up spell won’t fix.”
“Do you have one for his mind as well? I’m sure it could use a thorough scrubbing, although a more complex cleaning spell might be required.” Arbiter asked, garnering a giggle from Twilight.
“He’s that interesting, huh?”
“You could say that.” Arbiter replied, absentmindedly grabbing at his stomach.
“Can I get you something to eat as well?” Twilight offered.
“If you wouldn’t mind; far be it from me to refuse a courteous host.”
“It’s no problem,” Twilight assured him again, using her magic to gently sit him on her back. “I thought that might be better so I don’t accidentally hurt you.”
“I appreciate the thought, believe me,” Arbiter answered. “I only wish Jon was so considerate. I’m fairly convinced that tossing us around like we’re dodge-balls is his passion in life.”
“Who’s Jon?”
“It’s a long story; suffice it to say that his insistence on treating us like we’re piñatas is growing rather tiresome.”
“Tell me about it,” Twilight said with a groan. “I can’t count the number of books ponies returned that practically fell apart just from being kept a few days!” The Arbiter nodded in understanding as they entered the kitchen.
“Jesus Christ...” he muttered as his green companion reclined in a bowl overflowing with milk in the middle of the room, munching on floating pieces of some kind of circular apple-red breakfast cereal.
“oh hai” Chief said with a sheepish tone. It was the very same tone that usually greeted the Arbiter any time he woke up late at night to find the Chief still on the computer, often with 36-plus tabs open, each containing less-than-reputable material.
“Enjoying your morning dip?” the Arbiter asked sarcastically.
“LOL RETARD CANT U C I’M NOM NOM NOMMING RITE NAO?” Twilight gently set the Arbiter down on the nearby kitchen counter and used the same spell to grab a Sham Now.
“Again, sorry about him,” the Arbiter repeated. “He’s kind of...” He searched for a word or combination thereof to describe the Chief that wouldn’t make Twilight want to cut her ears off with the nearest reasonably sharp object. “...eccentric.”
“That’s okay, my friends can be rather interesting too,” Twilight replied, mopping up the last of the spilled milk and scattered cereal. Especially one in particular, she thought as a certain pink party pony giggled and danced through her mind, albeit briefly.
“tihs serial taestes liek fucking Applejack” The Arbiter cringed at his choice of words, particularly the forgotten ‘s’.
“Phrasing, Chief.”
“ ; ) ”
“What do you usually have for breakfast, Mr. Arbiter?” Twilight asked as she rummaged about the cupboards.
“Just ‘Arbiter’ is fine. What do you have?”
“Umm...I have some oats if you like porridge.”
“That would hit the spot.”
“TAHT R WAT UR MOM SED LAST NITE LOLOLOLLOL”
“Not now, Chief. We’re trying to make friends, not cause an international incident.” Arbiter said as Twilight used her magic to quickly boil some water. It wasn’t long before the three were sitting at her small table, each sharing what they could about their origins, basic information, and lives in general.
“So...how many others like you two are there?” Twilight asked after their long game of twenty questions.
“Well, besides the Chief and myself, there’s Todd...”
“WAT A FUCKING TOOL”
“Travis...”
“FUCK TAHT DOUCHE I R GON KICK HIS ASS”
“Cortana...”
“THAT SKANK CAN GO FIST HER SELF, GOD DAM CUNT”
“Chief! Shut up! We met some more in another city but thankfully did not spend too much time there.”
“Um...is it just me or does your friend really seem to...dislike them?” Twilight whispered as the Chief continued his rant.
“That would be a candidate for understatement of the millennium,” Arbiter replied. “Then again, I have yet to find someone he doesn’t hate.” He turned to the Chief. “Hey, Chief, is there anyone you don’t hate?”
“HOT ASS BITCHEZ W/BIG SEXY BOOBIES TEH SIZE OF TEH FUCKING HINDENBURG”
“I suppose that answers our question.”
“I...see...” Twilight hesitantly responded, trying to comprehend what the Chief had just said.
“Please forgive his crass expressions,” Arbiter asked. “He recently had a run-in with a group of jerks who called him a bunch of unflattering names because of his penchant for cartoons and this is the only way he knows to deal with it.”
“Awe, I’m sorry to hear that,” Twilight said, offering the Chief a small smile.
“ : ) ”
“I guess that’s why we’re here,” Arbiter added. “I think what he needs is a chance to re-experience the joy he obviously found in My Little...his cartoons. I’m fairly certain that will do him a lot of good.”
“Well then, if there’s anypony who can help you, it’s Pinkie Pie!” Twilight suggested. “Why don’t we visit her?”
“FUCK YA I <3 CUPCAEKS”
“I thought you might agree, Chief. You don’t mind giving us a lift, do you? Let’s just say that I personally have had far too many close calls with the undersides of people’s shoes and feet in general and am less than eager to experience that again.”
“Sure, that’s no problem,” Twilight promised. “Although...if you guys are feeling up to it, I think I know the perfect spell for this situation.”
“DO IT FAGGOT”
“Chief, you don’t even know what she wants to do!”
“Don’t worry, guys. It’s perfectly safe!” Twilight assured them with a bright smile.
“BRING IT 0N”
“Chief, are you sure about this?”
“DONT B SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY” Considering that the proverbial ‘green light’, Twilight closed her eyes and focused on the argumentative action figures. They slowly rose off the table as a multicolored aura enveloped them. “HOLY SHIT WTF?”
“Aaauuuh!”
With that, there was a sudden flash and two loud thuds. Twilight slowly opened her eyes and took a look at her handiwork. Her jaw dropped as a towering green biped and a bulkier...whatever he was...slowly rose to their feet, rubbing their aching heads. There was a quick pause as the Chief first noticed the changes.
“OMGWTFBBQ”
“This is amazing,” Arbiter commented as he tried his new, much larger body out. “You are clearly extremely skilled at this ‘magic’ thing.” Twilight couldn’t help but blush in spite of herself.
“howe cum wii still sound liek fucking Speek & Spellz?”
“Shut up, Chief!”
“It’s just an enlargement spell,” Twilight admitted. “But I’m glad it worked out!”
“LOL 3NLARG3M3NT”
“Shut up. Thank you, Miss Sparkle. We really appreciate it.”
“No problem. You guys ready to go?”
“WTF ARBITER U LOOK LIEK FUCKING GODZILLA”
“You’re one to talk. You look like the unholy offspring of the Jolly Green Giant and a severely handicapped version of the Incredible Hulk.”
“You guys coming?” Twilight called from the front door.
“On our way,” Arbiter replied as they followed her. He suddenly stopped just short of the door and grabbed Chief by the shoulders. “Remember, Chief. Best behavior.”
“CHILL TEH FUCK OUT I’M NOT A GODDAMN RETARD” Satisfied somewhat but still suspicious, the Arbiter relinquished him and followed Twilight, who looked over her shoulder to check on them. “LOL”
“What is it now, Chief?”
“dat sexy plot”
“Oh for Christ’s sakes!”