I took a deep breath.
Alright, better throw all shame and hesitation out the window. You said you would help and you already dug yourself into a hole. Best not to make it any worse. I let loose a long exhale and steeled myself. As Twilight magicked up her quills and ink, I magicked up my best poker face. Acting with a straight face was never really my forte, but as for keeping things impersonal, you could say I had a special talent for it. I flipped a switch in my head and suddenly all that concerned me was facts.
I was not going to let her drag me personally into this report. It was about humans on the whole remember. The last thing I needed was a report of myself, in all it's glory, going out unabridged to the God-Ruler of a magical nation. I would answer any questions as long as it pertained to humans as a whole. For personal details, she'd have to torture me.
"Eh hem," Twilight cleared her throat. "Ready?"
I smirked, "Let the inquisition begin," Time for a battle of wills with possibly the smartest individual I would ever come to know. I was actually fairly excited. I always loved a challenge.
I think she could tell. She returned my look with a defiant one of he own, "With pleasure. To begin, as promised, what is the mating disposition of your species?"
Easy start, just keep yourself out of it. "Humanity only possess the capability of reproducing with other humans. There are certain individuals that take pleasure with indulgence in perversions involving separate species, but this is a minority and it is looked upon as a taboo."
After jotting down some notes, Twilight turned around and looked confused. "That seems quite elitist, unless you're telling me there aren't any other sentient species where you come from?"
Entering enemy territory, beware of traps! "In fact, humans are currently the only known species that possess a known and completely developed sentience."
"Really? Across your entire world? I find that difficult to believe." Twilight jabbed.
I retorted with a shrug and a rebuttal "I assure you this is the case, to the best of my knowledge. Unless you believe me to be lying to you?"
She hinted ever so slightly at a wincing motion. Gotcha! She recovered instantaneously however and returned my counter. "Of course not, I just find it difficult to believe. Do you have any idea how that could have happened?"
I wasn't sure where she was going with this so I put in my two cents. "No one is really sure. Humans as a species have been around for tens of thousands of years. Some speculate that when we started developing societies, we created an evolutionary hurdle of sorts that other species still have yet to overcome."
She nodded and continued "Would you say that means your species inhibited the progression of other species?"
Ouch. That stung. "Perhaps. Although I would say that it was less as a deliberate effort and more a means to keep our fragile existence going. It's only very recently, in our relative timeline that we've had a semblance of self-awareness. Until then we sort of did what we had to do to stay alive."
"That seems odd. Wouldn't other species be able to aid you in that venture? The Griffons, especially have aided us throughout history."
Huh? Would never have guessed that. Gilda didn't seem the most helpful sort. I then thought of how it might seem to categorize an entire species based on one individual. Wasn't that what I was trying to avoid right here? I shook my head and clarified, "Humans have tried to lessen our own shortcomings by making certain, "partnerships" with other animals. We care for and use animals to facilitate for certain needs while we take care of them and protect them from predators. As I said though, humans were barely able to keep their own societies alive early on. They didn't have the forethought to consider alternate species as possible allies." I pondered a second longer. "In fact, I'm not sure anyone truly considers the possibility today."
I received an almost icy look that spoke, "Anyone?"
"Present company excluded of course."
Twilight turned back and wrote something down before returning. "What were the primary dampeners that threatened your early societies then? If there were no adversaries then what was the danger?"
I couldn't help but chuckle a bit. "As you could see from earlier, humans are a fairly fragile sort. Natural predators could easily overpower us physically. We had to think smart and adapt to stay alive and even then we're still pretty vulnerable. Also, it is worth mentioning that humans have never been like ponies. We've always been divided by culture, language, beliefs and so on. This has lead to years upon years of war and adversity."
This actually seemed to shock Twilight a bit, "Do you mean to say that you have no central leadership for your species?"
I shook my head. "Nope, never had and never will as far as I can tell. Humans have deep rooted hatreds and biases that keep many people from ever reconciling. There have been multiple attempts to create worldwide establishments to unify us but so far no luck."
"That's...a bit unsettling. Although it might explain a bit..." she began to take yet more notes.
I raised an eyebrow, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, nothing." She muttered. Before I could object further she brought another topic into play, "About these 'partnerships' with animals, do care to explain further? For example, how could you communicate with different species if your own doesn't even share a language?"
I attempted to dodge around this issue, mostly because I didn't want to have to explain horseback riding. "You guys have cows and sheep as well, same basic thing."
She wasn't even the slightest bit surprised by my knowledge of that, "Yes but we can communicate with them. You told me that you don't possess the same capabilities."
Damn. She's got me there. "We take animals into our care and raise them but it's more of a subjugation of feral and wild animals into a more tame and docile condition. Through generations of training, care, conditioning, and breeding, we have certain species of animals that have acclimated to humans. Certain ones have taken to it better than others and the purposes of such animals vary. We have pets, such as dogs and cats, but then we also use cows for food." ...wait did I just say-
"You mean cows milk, right?" Shit.
I wasn't going to lie. I breathed deeply, "Yes, but we also raise cows to be eaten. Humans are omnivorous."
Twilight wrote this down but then set her quill down. She got up and walked right over to me and asked her next question. "We are familiar with omnivorous species. Griffons and dragons tend to be such. However I must ask, is this going to be a problem?"
I knew this question was inevitable. It was unfortunate that I didn't catch her serious tone. "I dunno, pony meat is looks pretty deliciou-" Like that I was pinned to the bookcase behind me. "Oof, Kidding! Twilight, kidding! I swear. I've never once eaten a pony and nor do I plan to."
Horn still glowing, Twilight leered at me, "Promise?"
I couldn't see anything holding me back but I could definitely feel it. There was a strong and constant pressure being applied across my entire body that pinned me straight upwards. Not only was the physical sensation unpleasant, but I also felt a very uncomfortable emotional pressure. It was as if I was suddenly being plagued by seeping suspicion, dread, fear, and...sadness? Needless to say I was not in a very appealing or favorable situation.
"PINKIE promise! Very few humans eat horses and ponies and they're not popular fellows. I am not one of them."
Twilight let me down but kept her horn glowing and a challenging visage upon her face. "Do it then."
I didn't object. I made the familiar vow with the accompanied pantomimes. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. And remember, no one breaks a Pinkie promise."
Despite what I'm sure seemed to be a satirical event, Twilight dispelled her magic and smiled happily. She seemed genuinely reassured that I meant no harm. "Of course. Sorry about all that-"
I held up my hand, "Twilight, you were asking me whether or not I was a murderous carnivore that would devour your species, and I made that a joke. I'M sorry."
Her smile widened and she went back to her desk. "Apology accepted, now let's continue."
I sighed a bit, this was getting exhausting. "I'm sorry to crush the momentum you've got going, but could we take a break from this? I'm gonna need some time to collect myself."
She didn't even flinch. "Great idea! I think I've got enough here for an overall analysis but I'd like more a more physical description. I didn't exactly have a lot of time to examine you before."
I sighed heavily, "That's not exactly what I meant by a break."
Twilight persevered, "You won't have to answer any questions. It'll just be a quick little scan, that's all I ask.
I groaned quite audibly. The last thing I imagined I would ever be doing in my life would be performing a strip show, in the name of science, for a violet sentient equine. Needless to say I was against the sentiment. "There's no way I can get away with just describing my....anatomy, is there?" I pursued fruitlessly.
"No way," Twilight confirmed. "You're the only specimen of your species I've ever seen. I would never be able to live it down if I wasn't thorough."
My chest sank and I drooped my head in defeat. "If there's now other way, then I suppose I'll grin and bear it." I followed this statement with a brief muttering of, "At least I get to show off for all of Equestria now, immortalized through text!" as a little in-joke to steel myself. I again, had forgotten my new found acquaintance's hearing ability.
"Actually, I only expect that the Princesses and a few royal librarians will ever see these documents. Still what's important is the knowledge itself!"
"How did you possi...oh, yeah you guys got super great hearing. Not a lot of use in muttering to myself is there?" I asked rhetorically.
Twilight still answered with a short grin and a brief shake of the head. "If you'll follow me, my inspection equipment is located in the basement."
I heeded her request and was brought down a short spiral of stairs that lead to a lower level. The top of this new room was a ways up but the arch above the entrance was lower than I expected, which resulted in a nasty impact. The pain was dull and faded quickly but I would have to take note of such things if I wanted to keep my skull intact. I'd been making a terrible habit of head injury so far. I don't think I dained my bramage so I is ok. I shook my head Or maybe not Twilight was so transfixed in the prospect of my examination that she hadn't even noticed. She simply continued forward and set about her contraptions. I could only assume she was adjusting them to fit me as best she could.
I watched her set about her task, absorbed in her own thoughts and calculations. Her face was lively but thoughtful as she contemplated the best possible modifications and settings to use in for my "unique" form. I couldn't help but feel almost illuminated by her passionate pursuit, and her glowing horn of course. When I saw her moving expediently and efficiently it surprisingly calmed my anticipation and set me more at ease for proceeding. Twilight really did mean to use this information as factually and usefully as she could. No part of this was for the purpose of shaming or humiliating myself. It was solely for the furthering of understanding between our two races.
This actually brought a thought to my mind just as Twilight returned to face me.
"All set. The table should fit your frame comfortably and I think the anodes have been attuned closely enough to-"
I shook my head. "Save the technical jabber, Twilight. If you're set I'm set. However I have one condition before we get this show on the road."
"What is it?"
"If I'm going to help you figure me and my species out, then I want to get to know more about you."
She pursed her lips and scratched her chin, "But I thought you already know quite a bit about us."
I gave a crooked smile and replied, "I'm a curious guy. I may know some things but I'm always willing to know more." I shrugged "I'm sure you can relate."
She returned my smile, "Alright then. Because you're helping me out so much, I'll return the favor. Just let me get the machine hooked up first." Twilight turned back towards her devices quickly before giving me a peculiar look in the span of an instant. It seemed to say, 'Should I?' before it was replaced by her continued inquisitive gaze. "Brace yourself."
"For wh-" and I was in the air. I felt that familiar pressure upon my body although instead of pinning me, I was now seemingly floating through the air. As Twilight's horn continued to glow I felt that familiar impart of emotion, although this time it was not as extreme and seemed to feed me a calming and benign atmosphere. A few second's later I found myself on Twilight's aforementioned table. "Oh. Cool. You gonna take my clothes off with a magic trick too?" I said with a tad of sarcasm and a tad of worry.
"If you insist," she replied straight faced and without hesitation. I was then met with an embarrassing draft as I saw my pants and undergarments appear folded in the corner of the room. A quick blush and brief shake of my head accompanied my thoughts to treat demands for magical action far more seriously in the future. "I'm going to need you to lie down so that I can affix my equipment properly." Twilight explained.
I nodded curtly and positioned myself to be as comfortable as possible for this procedure. The table wasn't uncomfortable but despite this, I couldn't quite convince myself to be cool-headed while naked on an observation table. Deep breaths, calm down. What's the worst that could happen? Perhaps that wasn't the best question to ask but it did distract me from the odd sensations of attachment across my body. Twilight's voice brought me back after she affixed a contraption of a helmet as the finishing touch.
"Now that everything's in place we can begin. The process might take a little bit so if you want, you can ask me some questions to pass the time."
Quick before you have to think about what you're doing! "Let's start with magic, obviously since we don't have any we wouldn't know the first thing about how it works."
Twilight turned to me with a look that said 'Are you serious?' and asked, "You want me to explain in passing what I've basically set my life to understanding?"
"Yup. I'll take the shorthand version if you prefer."
Twilight sighed and facehoofed. (What do you want from me?! they don't have palms!) "You're going to have to be a bit more specific."
"Oh fine. Then why is it that unicorns are the only ones that use magic?
"What are you talking about? Everyone uses magic. Everything uses magic...except you apparently."
"Then how is it that only unicorns cast spells and Earth Ponies and Pegasi can't? Seems a bit unfair if everyone can use magic."
This caused Twilight to giggle. "You think spells are the only use of magic? You weren't kidding when you said you didn't know everything."
"Hey, that's borderline hurtful to your poor ignorant test subject!"
"Sorry, it's just that even the littlest fillies and colts know how magic works." She halted her giggling and then started her explanation. "There are two basic forms of magic use, Passive and Active. Passive magic use is an innate ability that varies based on the species of pony. It's the reason for a Pegasus's flight capabilities and an Earth Pony's durability, strength, and endurance. These vary in power from individual to individual but the principle is the same. Active magic is more difficult to nail down. Unicorn's are typically the most in tune with it's use but Earth Ponies and Pegasi can use active magic as well. They just don't have a focal point for magical extension. This results in a necessity for externalization of magical accumu-"
"You're losin' me with the lingo again Twilight."
Twilight huffed and began again, "Are you aware that Earth Ponies are most inclined to the production of food?"
"Yeah."
"This is because of their predisposed inclination to the active magic required for creating food. The same can be said for weather control for Pegasi. Unicorns can use these magics but normally in an indirect and more inefficient form. These aren't all the possible kinds of magic, of course, but it should give you a better idea of how it works."
"Hmm, and here I thought that Friendship is Magic-
"But it is! Friendship is an extremely vital source of magic that allows for the use of both passive and active magic."
"I was actually going to say something about the show you all are in. Although it doesn't do nearly as in depth job of explaining as hearing it from you."
Twilight gave a genuine grin. There also seemed to be a slight rise in color around her cheeks. "Well, I've been reading about it for a while. Not a lot of people actually take the time to listen to what I learn, except for the Princesses. Thank you."
A weakness for flattery huh? Good to know. "I should be thanking you but you're welcome. There is something else I that struck me as odd though. You all seemed to really roll along with the notion that a completely, foreign world has a show detailing your adventures. If an interstellar stalker told me that he had been watching me, I'd be a bit more distressed than you all seemed to be."
Twilight tilted her head in confusion. "I'm not sure I understand."
I mimicked her reaction,"What do you mean? Stalkers, bad, right?"
She shrugged, "I guess but you said that we have a show right?"
I nodded.
"Then that's not stalking. I don't consider myself a stalker of Commander Hurricane after I watch the play's done on Hearth's Warming Eve. The actor isn't the actual person, and the stage isn't the actual place, they're both just representations."
"But.....wait......what?" She's talking like the show is just a play. That couldn't be right....right? These ponies exist because of the show...don't they?
"I do find it odd that you know about us and we know nothing about you, especially without the use of magic." Twilight supplied.
WHAT?! This doesn't add up! Does she think we based the show about them, as if they existed? But we had no idea they existed...did we? No...that's crazy. So we didn't base the show on them, but we made a show that parallels them incredibly well. That can't be a coincidence. I "Gahhh!" I just couldn't put together.
"Are you alright? What happened?" Twilight inquired, in a manner that conveyed both her interest and concern for my condition during this proceeding.
"Yeah...no don't worry I'm fine. I'm just incredibly confused now."
"Why are you confused?"
I needed a springboard for my ideas. Who better, am I right? "First off, I, nor anyone that I know of, actually knew Equestria was a real place. I was under the impression that somehow the show had...made...you?"
"That's ludicrous. A fictionalization can't just create a whole new world, at least not in a literal sense."
"Then how is Equestria real?"
"I'd imagine it's the same way you are, or I am. Would you say you were created by some story?"
"I...don't think so. Though now I can't help but-"
"Let me stop you there." Twilight insisted. "You're here right?"
I decided to go along with her, for the sake of my brain. "Yeah."
"And you see me here, in my lab, in Equestria?"
"Yes."
"And do you think that you being here would be affected in the least by the stories of our adventures being told in your world?"
"I....don't know."
Twilight gave yet another sigh. It was like I was back in school, frustrating a teacher with my lack of understanding. "We didn't know about you and you're here." She said. "You're just on the other side of that. The stories have nothing to do with how we came to exist, or how you exist. We both exist and no story made that happen and that's the facts."
There was nothing so surreal as hearing those words from what had been nothing but a fictionalized character to me. However she was right. I had been thinking of this all wrong. She wasn't fiction come to life, she was life that has been put to fiction. How that happened was a mystery to me but it didn't matter. "Huh, I guess you're right. Though now I got a whole new slew of questions. Most of them are just for me though."
My opening to existential questioning had apparently been cause enough to make Twilight laugh again. She followed it with, "So does that mean you don't have any more questions for me?"
"Ah now I never said that. In fact you didn't answer the question that began it all. I'm still curious as to why you all would be so comfortable with others seeing what you do."
"It's no big deal really. The girls and I just do what we have to. If others learn from that then it's worth a small loss of privacy."
Now it was my turn to laugh, "I wish I could think that way. Must be another 'pony mentality is different than human mentality' thing."
Twilight smiled a bit, "I suppose so."
"I mean, I would NEVER be able to deal with someone seeing me tweak out over a deadline, or worry about an impending apocalypse that won't happen."
Twilight stopped smiling. The look that replaced it was one of extreme panic. "WHAT?!"
I stopped laughing immediately. Wait, she didn't know...oh, of course she didn't know. Who would think that qualifies as an adventure? And if she doesn't know then that means... Suddenly their reactions made a lot more sense.
Twilight was frantic. "I thought you said our adventures! Those were just...just..."
Think fast or you're gonna have a Lesson Zero V2 up in here. Unfortunately I was still processing what this all meant at the same time as Twilight. I don't think I have to tell you that she thought through it all before I did.
"What else do you know!?" There was not an ounce of bemusement in her voice. I needed to hone in and make sure I answered these questions right or I might be on the receiving end of some unbridled rage.
"Nothing!" Really? "Really."
"Really!? You expect me to believe that?" I thought I saw the beginning of a glow in her horn. That didn't pair well with the constant subconscious reminder that I was completely exposed.
Really? "Honest. It was just a moral based episodic kid's show. Sometimes It would show you guys in your daily lives, doing what you do."
"Kids show?" She questioned, a bit disarmed.
I nodded. "Yeah, it's a bit complicated but it's true. The show was made for kids and it was meant to be entertaining before being dramatic. So a lot of the time you guys would be shown in dramatic moments but from a comedic light."
"So you just found us all to be amusing?" She continued.
"Not...really. This is where it gets complicated, hell a lot of other humans really don't get it either. Suffice to say, there was more to it than that. As a result, the show detailed this world and many a fan followed it into it's details."
"So more people than you know about my...uh...meltdown?" She was calming down but still seemed vulnerable.
Bring it home and pray to god she doesn't vaporize you. "Well...yes."
Twilight didn't scream or cry or whine. She just hung her head and uttered "Oh."
"What?" was all I could think. She had just deflated into a sad heap of a pony. I thought for sure that she would go volatile or attack me in rage or call the Princesses. Instead my eyes had to intake the visage of Twilight Sparkle...depressed.
"So they laugh?"
"What?" I said.
"They laugh? Do they laugh at me?"
"I...don't kn-"
"Did you laugh?"
"I...yah."
She turned and looked me straight in the eyes. She wasn't mad or upset, she just wanted the truth. "Do you think it's funny?"
I saw something there. It was from how she said it. This wasn't the first time she'd had this conversation. There was something about her stare that resonated with me...something that I was familiar with. It was sadness and regret of how she is bottled up and held deep down inside. It made me think something for the first time since I had arrived in this place. They weren't an embodiment of some fictional environment. What I saw before me was a genuine feeling living person. They're real.
She's real.
I removed myself from the table and walked over to her. All the while staring back into those cold and hurt eyes.
"No. It's not funny"
"But you said you laughed?"
"I did, and it's not funny."
She had a question I knew poised on her lips but I wasn't done. I knelt down to her height and looked at her as hard as I could.
"It's wrong and I'm sorry."
And then I think she saw something from me.
Tears came from her eyes as she reached out to me. I returned her embrace because I needed it as much as she did. She had known struggle and difference in her life. She had felt alone and discarded in her past. She had a pain of loneliness within her, and so did I. That's why I sat there with her weeping and my own silent tears coming from my eyes. In this Tree-house library basement, we were huddled together and grasping close to another person just so that we could feel they were there.
Eventually we separated from each other, got up, and my story continued on.
But we didn't have anymore questions for each other.