Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were six ponies who were the best of friends. They all loved each other and they never fought, because when they had their differences they overcame them with the magic of friendship and wrote letters to their best friend the pretty pony princess Celestia instead of arguing.
“You whorse!” I trusted you, Applejack! I trusted you! And this is how you repay me? By going behind my back and making a move on her? You bitch! Element of Honesty my butter-yellow ass!” Fluttershy yelled. She didn’t really yell a lot, as her name implied. But when she did yell, she was downright terrifying. The orange, Stetson-adorned earth pony who happened to be the target of her wrath cowered beneath the infamous Stare, a pair of cyan eyes boring into her very soul as Fluttershy caught her breath. Applejack began to open her mouth to respond to the shouted accusations, but was cut off by a whimpering sound. Done with her outburst, Fluttershy couldn’t hold back tears as she burst out crying, turning tail and fleeing from Applejack, a trail of salt water marking her path.
“Aw, Fluttershy! Listen, Ah’m sorry! Ah’m sorry, y’hear? Fluttershy!” Applejack called after her friend. “Ah deserve this,” she told the tree she had been bucking when Fluttershy had arrived to chew her out. She believed his name was Branchbert but she was too busy thinking about Fluttershy to remember correctly. Fluttershy was one of her closest friends, but as of right now also her romantic rival. Two days ago, Fluttershy had come to Sweet apple Acres looking for advice, and then everything went to Tartarus.
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“Applejack, you’re the second bravest pony I know,” Fluttershy had said. That had been a bad start to the conversation in the first place, at least in Applejack’s mind. “I need your advice.”
“Well shore, sugarcube. What’s the problem?” Applejack had replied, after swallowing a snarky insult. She was above that.
“I think I'm in love with Rainbow Dash.” peeped the pink-haired pony.
“What was that?”
“I think I’m in love with Rainbow Dash.”
“Speak up, sugarcube.”
“I said, I think I’m in love with Rainbow Dash!” Fluttershy finally exclaimed. She then let out a squeak of fright, looked around to see if anypony had been around to hear her outburst, then tucked her face away behind her mane.
“Shit,” said Applejack. She then galloped away, straight towards town.
“Applejack? Applejack! Come back! Eeeep! Promise not to tell anypony? Applejack! You need to Pinkie Promise!” Fluttershy yelled at the top of her lungs. As such, her voice carried all of five feet. Fluttershy didn’t really yell a lot, but when she did, it was barely louder than anypony else’s inside voice. When she hadn’t snapped and started verbally tearing you to shreds with bellows that would impress dragons, that is. She once had actually lectured a dragon into submission, with some help from the Stare. But that was entirely beside the point.
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Applejack had run straight for the outskirts of Ponyville, where a lone mailbox marked the spot underneath Rainbow Dash’s cloud home.
“Rainbow Dash? You up there?” Applejack called.
“Nopey-dopey! She’s in Cloudsdale on business right now, silly!” returned a high pitched voice that Applejack could recognize anywhere.
“Pinkie Pie, what in tarnation are ya doin’ goofin’ around inside Rainbow Dash’s mailbox?” Applejack asked, opening the door to the box to reveal a poofy-maned pony painted in pastel pink of various shades. Pinkie Pie popped out of the mailbox and landed on the ground, then bounced up and down a bit for no particular reason, at least not one that Applejack could discern.
“I’m collecting her mail while she’s away, silly! Why else would I be inside her mailbox?” asked Pinkie Pie, as if it were the most blatantly obvious thing in Equestria and that Applejack was probably more mentally challenged than Snails if she couldn’t see it. The best part was that she didn’t even sound condescending when she made her proclamation. Sometimes, Applejack envied Pinkie Pie’s talent to be so unfailingly cheerful and friendly, even when she was subtly insulting your mental abilities.
“You know when she’ll be back?” Applejack asked, equal measures relief and disappointment in her voice. “I gotta tell her somethin’.”
“Do you mean you just found out about how Fluttershy is in love with Rainbow Dash and you need to confess your crush and get with her first?” Pinkie asked, in a tone more suited to inquiring about the weather than about affairs of the heart.
“Wha- Huh?” said Applejack, doing her best to reinforce Pinkie Pie’s theory that she should be in Cheerilee’s special-ed adult school rather than running a business.
“She’ll be back in two days,” Pinkie Pie informed her, ignoring the stammering and the blush spreading across Applejack’s face.
“How’d you know ‘bout that? Were you spying on us?” Applejack demanded, narrowing her eyes at the party pony.
“Oh, no! I’d never dream of it! I just know everything that goes on in Ponyville, especially about my friend’s love lives. It’s all so dramatic, how you and Fluttershy both love Dashie, and Ra-” Pinkie was cut off by an orange hoof being stuffed in her mouth.
“Never mind that, Pinkie! Does anypony else know? Am Ah really that obvious?” asked Applejack, her blush deepening. “Does- does Rainbow Dash know?” she continued, bringing her voice down to a frantic whisper.
“Oh, no need to worry, AJ!” Pinkie beamed once she was ungagged. “You’re plenty subtle! Well, not subtle, exactly. You’re actually a terrible liar. But that’s beside the point. What’s on the point is that nopony else knows. I just know because I found the draft for the love poem you wrote for her in your garbage.”
“Thank Celes- Wait. What? You go through mah garbage?” Applejack stared in befuddlement at the grinning pony.
“Well, duh! I go through everypony’s garbage.”
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Applejack finished telling her story to Branchbert and sighed, sitting down and leaning on him. “Ah shoulda made Pinkie promise not to tell Fluttershy. It was mah own fault for being careless. Gotta be more sneaky next time Ah try somethin’ like that.” Of course, Applejack wasn’t feeling remorse when she said she had deserved her tongue lashing. She meant that she deserved it for letting Fluttershy find out about her (futile) attempt to win Dash’s heart before Fluttershy could. After all, all’s fair in love and war. Sighing, Applejack threw her head back and gazed up at the sky, her eyes shielded from the harsh sun by the brim of her hat. Noticing a speck in the air growing larger as it approached Ponyville, she squinted. The sky blue figure would have been hard to make out against the sky-blue backdrop of the, well, sky, if it weren’t for her mane, a shock of hair in all the colors of the rainbow. Applejack jolted to her hooves. “Horseapples. Gotta get to town before Fluttershy!”
When Applejack arrived in town, she saw the beautiful, prismatic-maned pegasus hovering slightly above street-level, carrying her saddlebags towards her cloud home, presumably to unpack from her trip.
“Rainbow!” Applejack called, prepared to finally confess her undying love for the beautiful mare. “Ah need to tell ya somethin’. Ah... would love ta help ya carry yer stuff home,” she blurted out. Crap. That was not what Ah meant to say at all.
“Of course, my dear friend Applejack. I would be most pleased to allow you to assist me. Thank you so much for your kindness,” said Rainbow Dash, turning and smiling at Applejack, who gave her a look but took the bags she was offered anyway.
“You OK, sugarcube?” Applejack asked.
“Why, most certainly. Whatsoever makes you think otherwise?” came the response.
“Uh, nuthin’. Listen, how would you like ta help buck trees all tomorra’ afternoon?”
“I would love to assist my dear, close friend. It would be my pleasure to aid you in your efforts to harvest your fruits,” Rainbow Dash replied. Applejack turned and Rainbow Dash got up close and personal with Kicks McGee.
“Arghlblarghl!” An in-equine sound came from Rainbow Dash’s mouth as she appeared to spontaneously combust, blazing with green fire as her form melted into a black, chitinous insectoid form whose resemblance to a pony was tangential at best. Coughing up a purple liquid that Applejack presumed was the changeling’s blood, it turned to her. “What gave me away?” it moaned in pain as Applejack stood over it.
“Sugarcube, Rainbow Dash is an inconsiderate, lazy pony. She’d never agree to help me if it involved actual work. Also, ya got her flank a little off.”
“Wait, seriously? You stare at your friend’s butt? That’s seriously messed up.”
“Sh-shut up,” stammered Applejack, her orange face flushing pinker than Pinkie.
“No, no! Messed up is cool with me. Hey, can I take her form again so I can feed off your love for her? Or should I say your huge girl boner?” The changeling didn’t even regret a thing when Bucky McGillicuddy impacted her face.