I made my way to the fence separating the orchard from the llama paddock. I leapt up onto the fence.
"Funny lookin'."
I leapt down from the fence.
"Prissy pussy."
"What a cockhound."
I stopped and felt the earth mush under my feet. Agh... more llama crap. I shook it off.
"Who is she? Cat's got some serious balls bein' on our turf."
"It don't matter. Da damn sunmabitch's gonna git it. Shine! Git'n'r way!"
"Yes bawss..."
In my absentmindedness, I walked headlong into a tower made of black fibre. I stumbled backward, rubbing my head where I had walked right into a pole.
"Geez sunshine and picklesticks!" I exclaimed. "Where do you think you're-"
I froze and followed that black leg up, up, up to a pair of dark eyes, one gazing at the weeds to my right, the other somewhere in the sky to my left. They were filled with the intelligence of a hockey puck. I was staring at a jet-black cameloid, about six feet at the raised head, four at the shoulder, and ears trained on me. I cleared my throat.
"Ma'am, I haven't eaten all morning. I don't mean to cause any offence, but my food dish is that way. If you'll let me pass, I'll be out of your hair in no time."
She stared blankly, unmoving.
I looked back up at her, frowning. I tried stepping to the right. She followed my step. My frown deepened into a scowl, and I stepped twice to the left. The llama followed. I tried a quick three-step-two-step-one-step-dash deke. It only resulted with my face planting into the same leg I had run into earlier.
"Bloody money farts, llama!" I screamed. "Get the halo out of my way!"
"Nerp."
I facepawed and groaned. I tried to go for a leap when I felt a cloven hoof-claw stomp down on my tail. A catlike howl erupted from my lungs as my spine felt as if it was going to be torn from my neck. I crashed to the earth with an unceremonious thud and groaned again, this time in pain.
"Kitty kitty don't go nowhere. Kitty kitty stay until Bossllama arrive. Bossllama reward Shine and 'Legro-'legro. We captures kitty kitty. Yes yes yes."
I looked up. There, with a goofy and implacable smile, stood a llama whose blotchy coat ranged from creamy white to ash gray. He cackled again.
"Little kitty kitty tells us name for Bossman. Yes, yes, little kitty kitty does."
I shot him a flat look and spat, "There's a gnat on your ear."
"KEEEEEEYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" 'Legro-legro shrieked before disappearing into the field. "GET THIS PELLET-LICKING BUGGY-BUG OFFA 'LEGRO-LEGRO'S BEAUTIFUL APPENDAGE!" The llama began beating his head into the wall. The gnat had long since flown off. 'BAD BAD GNAT GNAT MUST DIE UNTO DEATH AND TAXES! DEATH AND TAXXXXXEEEEESSSSSZZZZZ!!"
Finally, with a mighty bang, the llama finally knocked himself cold.
I simply stood, ramrod still and wide-eyed at the shock of the insanity that had just transpired.
"Yeah, he does that."
I jumped and whirled around I soon came face-to-shin with sixteen legs. Four were shaded nearly blue-gray and white. Four wrre red to white. The third four were black and white. The last four were brown. I flung my head skyward to meet their gazes, realizing I now had absolutely no way out. I was surrounded, four llamas on one side, one on the other, and forty cloven-hooved claws between them.
I pissed myself.
"Uh... h-hey... ah..." I'm boned.