“Home is where the ponies are.” — Pliny the Elder
“Jesse, I'm pregnant,” Rarity said dramatically, her tentacles bouncing with each word. “It's yours.”
My mechanical eyes whirled as I looked her over. Several diagnostic graphs loaded themselves onto my visual display, each confirming the others.
“My logical data analysis sector indicates that would be highly unlikely,” I replied in an emotionless monotone. “And my Bullshit meter agrees.”
“YARRR!”
A tiny pink comet slammed into the side of my head and latched onto the metal bits that poked out of my decaying skin. I didn't react or move at all as the pint-sized Pinkie Pie grabbed at my face. She was wearing an eyepatch, a big gold earring, and a bandanna around her head.
“Mizz Applejack!” Pinkie yelled as she wrestled with the wires that stuck out of my ear. “Tie up this 'ere dog an' throw 'im in th' brig!”
“Dear me, but I do believe that all this commotion will frightfully ruin my complexion,” Applejack waved a fan to give herself a little air. Her hair was carefully stacked in a tall bun and a lacy corset pulled her body into an hourglass shape.
Wait, something was wrong here. I tried to figure out what it was as Pinkie started gnawing on my metallic scalp with muttered threats about “makin' ya walk th' plank” and “feedin' yer gizzard ta th' gulls.”
Maybe it had something to do with the way that Fluttershy was sticking clouds into an electric blender and turning them into martinis. Or perhaps it was the fact that the snoring Rainbow Dash was a dolphin with tacos for flippers. Or it could be the ominous bluish gray smoke that swirled around and compressed itself into a twenty-foot high Twilight Sparkle. A twenty-foot high Twilight Sparkle with more gold bling hanging from her neck than Mr. T could ever dream of. And a handlebar mustache.
No, none of that was unusual. My logic system said so, and it never lied to me. Like that time that it said that babies are delivered by a stork and everyone said that was ridiculous, but it turned out that it was right after all. So if it said that that stuff was all normal, it was all normal.
That meant that it had to be Twilight's fifth leg that was out of place. Yeah, that was it. Or maybe she was just really happy to see me...
“Jolly good day, Mizz Sparkle,” Pinkie called out and saluted from my shoulder. “We be havin' a prisoner for you we do!”
“I thought you had a pirate accent,” Rarity objected, her tentacles getting themselves in a knot.
“Arr, I'm not very consistent. Yearghh.”
“DEVOUR!” the giant, five-legged, blinged-out, mustached Twilight rumbled.
Next thing I knew, I was shoved into the massive mare's ginormous mouth by a snickering and clearly drunk Fluttershy. Everything went dark...
* * * * *
When I opened my eyes, the first thing that I saw was a bright blue sky with a giant golden sun in the middle. I thought that the sun looked a little odd, but then my brain caught up completely I realized that it was just a painting on the ceiling. Where am I? What happened? Where's everypony?
I sat up and stretched my sore arms while I looked at the room. It was fairly large, with long rectangular windows that let the real sun's light in. The walls were all the same blue color as the ceiling. A full-length mirror hung on one wall next to a teak wardrobe. The two wooden doors that led out of the room were big and covered with intricate carvings of various wildflowers.
I climbed out of the big round bed with a hiss of pain as my leg took on too much of my weight. The memories of the previous day came back: the shadow dragon, the Rainboom, falling, the book, the frustration, the chariot, Rainbow Dash swearing a lot. It felt like there was something really important that I was forgetting, but, as always seems to be the case, I couldn't figure out what that might be.
It was at that moment that I realized that my clothes were all gone. This discovery raised a few new questions in my mind. Why am I naked? Who undressed me? When was the last time that I did some manscaping? Was I raped in my sleep? A quick check showed that the rest of the bed was undisturbed and there wasn't an imprint in the mattress, so I'd either been alone all night or somepony who was really careful had been here.
I tried to drive the thought from my mind. That was a completely ridiculous and irrational fear. And even if I had been raped, I probably would have noticed or at least felt a little different. Since I didn't, that probably meant that I was in the clear.
I heard the distinctive sound of a flash bulb going off from the window. I turned my head in time to be blinded by another burst of light. When my vision came back an instant later, I could see that there were five or six pegasus ponies hovering outside with old-fashioned cameras pointed right at me. More flashes went off as they took pictures.
I quickly shut the fancy aquamarine curtains and tried to think and assess the situation. Okay, I'm in some building that I don't recognize, I'm naked, and there's a bunch of perverted pony photographers outside the window who were just waiting for me to wake up. Is this the pony version of Hollywood or Vegas?
Well, first things first. I cracked open one of the doors and peeked inside. Luckily, I'd picked the one that lead to a large, fancy bathroom. The white tiles shone and the glass of the lightbulb was swirled around like a seashell.
After relieving myself and taking a quick bath, I went back to the bedroom and looked inside the wardrobe. A few sets of clothes were hanging in there, most of them fancy suits and tuxedos that looked really uncomfortable. The clothes that I had worn before were nowhere to be found, so I grabbed some new ones.
I picked the second-most informal outfit, which consisted of black linen pants, a dark blue polo shirt, white socks, and what could have passed for regular tennis shoes on Earth. There was even a nice wristwatch to go with it.
The absolute most informal outfit was a black leather bondage harness with spikes stuck in a very painful-looking place. There was even a nice gag ball and a black whip to go with it. I still have no idea why the fuck that thing was in there or what the point of it was and I never asked anypony about it.
As I finished dressing, there was a light knock at the door. It was Twilight, who looked to be in much better condition than she had been the night before. She was wearing a dark green dress that had a few gems sewn along the edges in star-shaped patterns.
“I was wondering where everypony went,” I said as I stepped out of the room and into a long hallway that was decorated with fancy pillars and intricate paintings of birds.
“They're already at Luna's party,” Twilight explained as she turned and began walking down the corridor. I fell into step beside her, still limping slightly. “It's just after eleven o'clock right now, but ponies have already started to show up.”
Was that what I'd forgotten about? “I take it that we're in Canterlot right now?”
Twilight nodded. “I used to live here, you know. That was back before Princess Celestia sent Spike and me to—”
She suddenly stopped mid-stride. “Oh no. We left Spike with the Cutie Mark Crusaders all night! Sorry, but I have to go and get a letter to them right away!”
Twilight took off running and sped through one of the numerous doors. Yes, she just abandoned me in an unfamiliar corridor in a strange building in an unknown city. I stood there for a full minute trying to figure out what to do about this, and eventually I decided to just keep walking until I either ran into somepony or found something interesting.
I took a grand total of four uneven steps before Pinkie Pie stepped right out of a painting and started walking next to me. She didn't say anything or even acknowledge my presence. I was about to ask just how the hell she did that when I reminded myself that it was Pinkie and the laws of physics didn't seem to apply around her. So I didn't say anything either.
It took a moment before I noticed that, like Twilight, she was wearing a dress. Hers was pink (shocking!) and covered in little metal pins that were shaped like cupcakes and lollipops. She also had bright red ribbons woven into her mane and tail and cookie-shaped earrings. Totally odd, but it was a perfectly natural fit for her.
After we had been walking for about three minutes (it was a really long hallway), Pinkie held up a hoof and shoved me right up to a fancy door to our right, from which came the faint noise of conversation and light music. When I didn't move to open the door, she pointed forcefully at the latch.
“What's this?” I finally asked.
“YOU LOSE!” she shouted happily and giggled like I'd just said the funniest thing ever.
“Huh? What did I lose?”
“I win! I win! I win!” she was bouncing up and down. “I win and you—”
She suddenly stopped in mid-bounce (and in mid-air about a foot off the floor) and gasped. Her ears flopped around, then her eyelids fluttered wildly, then her knees started twitching like crazy.
As I tried to remember what that particular combo meant, the door flew open and smashed right into my face. I fell to the floor with a muttered “ugh!” A bunch of stars appeared and spun around my head while a bird chirped somewhere out of sight.
“Didja find 'im, Pinkie Pie? Where is he?” came Applejack's drawl.
“Man down,” I groaned. Thankfully, my face was still more or less intact.
Applejack's head and signature hat peeked around the door. “Oh. Sorry 'bout that, sugar cube. Didn't know ya'd be right there.”
“I seem to get hurt a lot around you ponies,” I muttered to myself as I brushed myself off and stood, wincing as my leg objected once again. Applejack's dress was purple and blue—nothing fancy, but it had a subtle elegance in its modesty.
“Come on, we don't wanna keep everypony waiting!” Pinkie stepped off the air to the floor, grabbed my hand, and yanked me through the doorway.
Inside was a room decked out from floor to ceiling for a party. Not a formal party like the Grand Galloping Gala, but a Pinkie-style party. There were streamers, balloons, tables for food and drinks, party games, the whole shebang. A few ponies were quietly playing classical instruments in the corner, which added a little light music to the air. There were already about fifty or sixty guests inside, each dressed semi-formally and talking with one another.
The conversation died away and the music screeched to a stop as everypony looked at me. Mouths hung open, eyebrows shot up, and eyes went wide. Yet another “Holy shit, it's an alien!” reception.
That really irritated me. I'd just gotten used to not having that happen in Ponyville, so my patience with being gawked at was nonexistent at this point.
I just rolled my eyes, ignored them all, and headed for the nearest punch bowl. A few moments after the silence started, the talking picked back up and the music resumed, but everypony kept throwing an occasional glance my way.
“E-excuse me,” came a hesitant voice as I got myself a drink.
I turned around. The speaker was a small white earth pony colt who nervously waited for my response. He seemed to be some kind of page, though I thought that he couldn't have been more than a paragraph (/rimshot), and he had a scroll and quill for a cutie mark. (As a reminder, I really hate that phrase when it's applied to colts and stallions. Why couldn't they come up with a more masculine expression? Stud stamps, for example. In fact, I think I'll just use that.)
“Yes?” I kept my voice neutral.
The colt coughed timidly and rubbed a rear hoof against the floor. “The Princesses have requested your presence for a short private affair before the party really begins. If you would kindly follow me, I'll take you to them.”
I nodded and downed my glass of punch in a single gulp. After I set down the empty vessel, I followed him across the room and past a lot of the party attendees. They still stared, but respectfully stepped back to give us plenty of walking space.
Pinkie Pie was animatedly telling a group of wide-eyed foals about our battle from the night before. “And when that big black meanie-pants dragon started climbing up at him, he said stuff to make it even angrier like 'your mother was a hamster' and 'if you were an ice cream flavor, you'd be pralines and dick!'”
“Eww,” a blue unicorn colt with a silver horseshoe stud stamp (I'm totally going to use that from now on) stuck out his tongue. “That's disgusting! I hate pralines.”
Oh balls, did I really say that? I asked myself. And they heard me? I really need to watch my mouth more carefully.
Next to the Pin the Tail on the Pony board, Rainbow Dash—who was wearing a minimalist orange dress with golden lightning bolts stitched along the sides—was telling her own version of the fight to another bunch of fillies and colts. Their eyes were all wide as she described the dragon.
“I'm telling you, it was at least sixty feet tall. And it had five heads that all shot fire right at us! I managed to kick one of its heads right off, but it just grew two more and kept coming at us.”
Okay, at least that's not my fault.
We also passed Fluttershy and Rarity, who were hanging out and talking quietly in a corner. The former's dress was white and flowing, while the latter's was deep red and maroon with scores of small gems set in a complicated wave pattern. Neither of them noticed us go past.
The page that was leading me cracked open a large door that had the sun and moon painted on it and stuck his head through it. “Your Majesties, he's here.” He stepped back and tilted his head toward the door in the universal sign of “get in there, buddy.”
It occurred to me just as I was about to push the door all the way open that I was about to meet Princess Celestia. Real royalty. The one who moved the sun through the sky everyday. The pony version of God.
My entire thought process reverted itself to two of the most profound words known to mankind: Oh. Shit.
I quickly pulled my shirt straight, ran my fingers through my hair, and picked a speck of dust from my pants. I was just about to straighten my glasses, but the white colt got impatient. He rammed the top of his head against my ass and shoved me into the door.
Since I wasn't expecting that, the Princess of the Sun's first look at me was as I hit my face on the door and tripped over the threshold before crashing in a heap on the floor with a groan. I suppose that's one way to make an entrance.
“Are you alright?” It was Twilight, who looked down at me with concern.
“Yeah,” I picked my glasses up off the floor, put them back on, scrambled to my feet, and dusted myself off. Then I turned my eyes to Celestia.
If you've seen even one episode of the new My Little Pony (For those of you who haven't, stop reading this right now and look it up on YouTube. Also, why are you reading this in the first place?), chances are you already know what she looks like. Regardless, my first impression of her was a mixture of both the familiar and some completely new sensations.
The white alicorn dwarfed all of the other ponies that I'd seen—her eyes would have been at the same level as mine if she were standing up. Her long multicolored mane fluttered in waves from a nonexistant breeze in such a way that she usually had only one eye visible at a time. Her sun-shaped cutie mark was partially obscured by her long tail and large dove-like wings. Her tiara, chestpiece, and shoes were all made of gold and her long ivory horn tapered to a keen point.
Celestia's pink eyes were calm and full of curiosity. Like every other pony, she took in every detail of my appearance and tried to make sense of what she saw. Unlike the other ponies, her gaze seemed to go right through my skin and straight to my bones. Not my heart or my soul or my mind like you'd expect, but my bones. It felt invasive and creepy as hell, but what are you supposed to say to the Princess of the Sun when she makes you feel uncomfortable in a way that you didn't even think was possible? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Ignoring the odd sensation, I bowed. It seemed like the appropriate thing to do.
“Rise,” Celestia said evenly. It was half-command and half-request.
I stood up straight and clasped my hands behind my back with my feet close together despite the twinge of discomfort from my ankle. I'd seen enough movies to know that this was one of the few acceptable poses around nobility.
“Oh, can't you relax?” Princess Luna asked with a slightly irritated edge to her voice. I hadn't even noticed her sitting next to Celestia. “In case you hadn't noticed, we don't stand on formality if we can help it.”
“Oh. Right, sorry,” I felt the blood rush to my face as I loosened my shoulders and slouched a bit. Should've known, idiot, my brain taunted.
Celestia's raised an eyebrow in concern as if she'd just heard me berate myself. “Please, take a seat and make yourself comfortable. I'll have some tea brought in.”
Before I'd even set myself down on the offered cushion, a gray unicorn stallion (four bronze stars for his stud stamp) brought in a large tea tray and left it levitating in front of us. Luna took it upon herself to pour the drinks while Celestia took another look at my skeleton. Her neutral expression made it hard to tell what she thought of me.
Twilight cleared her throat. “So, Jesse, I was just telling Princess Celestia about how you managed to defeat the shadow dragon.”
Celestia nodded in agreement. “That was a very brave action on your part, and you have our eternal thanks for it. You nearly gave your life to slay that monster, which is not something that many of our own citizens would do.”
I dropped my eyes to my teacup. “To be perfectly honest, your majesty, jumping on its back was probably one of the stupidest things I've ever done. There had to've been a smarter way to finish off that dragon.”
“It looked fantastic,” Luna interjected. “The way that you fell and then...oh, my heart was in my throat!”
I shook my head forcefully. “That doesn't matter. One of the first things that a professional soldier learns is that you're never supposed to put yourself in danger just to be a hero and go out in a blaze of glory. You just put everyone else at risk.”
“But you're not a professional soldier,” Twilight pointed out. “You said that you had no experience at all and that it was your very first command.”
“And I must say that you did a fantastic job of it, Captain,” Luna chimed in with a smile.
Fantastic my ass, I didn't say. I shook my head again and still didn't meet their eyes. “You know, back on Earth I was seriously considering joining the military. If I'd done something that dumb in a real combat zone, you'd've had to bury what was left of me in a matchbox.”
“Do you have many wars on Earth?” Celestia asked. Her eye narrowed almost imperceptibly.
I nodded. “There's over a hundred different countries on Earth. With that many governments combined with human nature, there's always a few wars going on somewhere for some reason or other. America's always getting involved somewhere, which means that there's always a demand for new soldiers.”
I paused to sip at the strong tea. “We realized a long time ago that war is horrible. It's evil and heartbreaking, and when you've seen pictures of entire cities that have been completely destroyed and met people who've been scarred for life because of what they've seen and done...” I didn't even know how to finish the thought.
“Then why do you still have them?” Luna seemed slightly uncomfortable at the direction that the conversation was going.
I paused a moment phrase my response. “Because some things are worth fighting for. And sometimes we have no choice. Like when the shadow dragon tore into Bitsburg and went off to Fillydelphia; you don't just let anyone who attacks your cities and your people get away with it. You send out your forces to put an end to it and to protect your citizens. We've had things like that happen on Earth, too.
“For instance, there was an attack about ten years ago that we call 9/11. Early in the morning, a small group of extremists hijacked a few planes and—” I noticed that all three of them had blank stares. “Well, think of them as big metal birds that you can fit about a hundred ponies inside and fly around with engines instead of magic. Anyway, they took control of the planes and crashed them right into a pair of our tallest towers that were filled with ordinary civilians. The buildings collapsed, which ended up killing almost three thousand innocent people.”
The three ponies gasped in horror. A few seconds of silence passed as they absorbed this information.
Celestia was the first to recover enough to speak. “Why...why would they do such a horrible thing?” Her eye looked a little moist.
“They'd been taught that America was evil, and that killing any and all Americans, regardless of whether they're a threat or not, was their ticket to heaven. It's completely stupid and unreasonable, but they were brainwashed to believe it anyway. Even today, we've been fighting a war with the rest of that particular group, or at least they were when I came here. A lot of good men and women have been killed because of it so that the regular people who are just going about their ordinary lives don't have to worry about being shot in the street.
“And as horrible as 9/11 was and the current war is, we've had even worse things happen in the past. The biggest war that we've had in the last century involved about twenty different countries and over sixty million humans lost their lives.”
A full minute passed as they tried to get their jaws working again. I could see that their minds were completely boggled by just imagining so much slaughter and piles of corpses. It was impossible to tell if they felt disgust or pity. A single tear slid down Celestia's face.
Finally, Twilight got her voice back. “You...you never mentioned that before.”
Luna coughed softly. “That sounds like a very...dark world to live in.”
I shrugged. “It's complicated, to be sure. But it's not all bad; we might have some of the worst people imaginable, but there's a lot of good people on Earth too. People like Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, my grandpa, the list goes on. They all tried to make the world a better place and thought that it was worth the effort.
“It's a harsh planet, but it's the only one we have. There's a lot of bad things that go on. But if you don't give up and keep looking, you can find a lot of good things that are worth living for. Eventually, you learn to be strong and keep pushing onward when the tough times come. You learn to use your head. You learn from your mistakes and the mistakes that others make. You learn to appreciate and take comfort in the little things in life that make you smile. Humans aren't always happy. A lot of us usually aren't happy, actually. But when we do find lasting happiness, it makes it feel that much better.” I shrugged again. “I'm not sure if that makes it worth the extra suffering, but that's the way it is.”
Well, that was a mouthful. I'm a pretty shitty philosopher and I wasn't quite sure where most of that rant had come from, but it felt...right. Somehow.
The lapse in the conversation stretched out again and we drank our tea quietly. It was oddly spicy and left an acidic aftertaste in my mouth.
Again, it was Twilight who broke the silence. “The way that you describe it...do you...do you even want to go back to Earth if you could? I really can't tell.”
I frowned and thought. Did I? It was my home, certainly, but I hadn't truly felt like I fit in anywhere. And everything that I'd done in Equestria had actually seemed to matter.
“I'm not sure,” I said quietly. “Maybe one day, but certainly not at the moment. Like I said, Earth isn't a very happy place, unlike here. Equestria's a real breath of fresh air, and I've actually made some friends here.”
Celestia nodded. “I suppose that living in a world such as that would become...tiring after a while. You are more than welcome to stay here as long as you wish, especially considering your actions in Fillydelphia.
“Which brings us back to the original point of interest and to something that I wanted to discuss with you. According to what Luna has told me, you all had difficulty figuring out how to attack the dragon.”
“That was my fault, actually,” Twilight said quickly. “The book that we used in Ponyville's library had some pages missing, so we didn't know that it's weak spot wasn't the obvious glowing gem. If—”
“SHIT!” The ponies all jumped in surprise, but I was too busy digging through my pockets to notice or care that I'd just sworn in front of the Princesses. “That's what I forgot! I had the jewels with me last night!”
It was only after I'd thoroughly searched every pocket twice that I remembered that the emerald and ruby were in my other pants. That always seems to be the case for some reason.
I turned to Twilight. “Do you know who undressed me last night?”
She blinked in confusion. “Huh? What do you mean?”
“When I woke up, my clothes were all gone,” I explained. “They weren't in the room, and I had the gems that the dragon dropped in my pocket.”
Twilight frowned and mumbled something to herself that I couldn't make out before raising her voice back to normal. “Don't worry about it right now; we'll find them later. Anyway, as I was saying, our book was damaged and we didn't know that it's weak spot wasn't so self-evident. If I'd had it properly maintained, we would have known to use the Elements of Harmony before the sword.”
“Is that what happened?” Celestia turned her eye back to me and gave a small smile, my outburst already forgotten. “And even with such a setback you persevered and defeated the monster. Quite admirable for a first command, I must say.”
I opened my mouth, but Luna cut me off. “We know, you had help from your friends and all that. Be that as it may, you still deserve some kind of formal recognition for your actions. You were the one who used the sword, after all.”
A frown covered my face at her mention of the sword. A few stray thoughts pulled themselves together in my head, but something didn't add up.
Celestia's smile faded as she looked at me with that invasive scanning vision again. “You have a question,” she muttered. Her tone made it clear that she was commanding me to ask it.
I finished my tea with a quick sip. “Well, I was just wondering. Luna was the one who enchanted the sword, so she definitely has the ability to take out a shadow dragon by herself. Why didn't you let her help us directly?”
Celestia frowned even more. “I'm surprised that my sister didn't ask that question herself. Jesse, are you familiar with the story of Nightmare Moon?”
Luna bristled slightly. I nodded. No sense in hearing it again for the dozenth time.
“Then you know how Luna...” she hesitated and glanced at her sister for the briefest moment imaginable. “How Luna was changed a thousand years ago. A dark and evil force warped her mind and turned her against all of Equestria. A dark and evil force like the one that allowed that abomination to exist. A force that I was afraid might have corrupted her once again.”
Luna sat up straighter. “Is that why you tried to keep me away? That's the reason that you made me swear to stay out of the library? Why you put the rest of Fillydelphia at risk?”
“Yes,” Celestia said softly and brought her head close to her sister's. “Perhaps it was foolish to believe that you were so vulnerable, but I couldn't help it. Having to banish you broke my heart in ways that words can't express. I can't bear the thought of losing you a second time.”
“I'm not helpless!” Luna snapped, then sighed and relented. “Tia, I understand why you would think that way, but that part of my life is behind me now. Nightmare Moon is dead, and I would never do anything to put you through that pain again.”
“Oh, Luna,” Celestia leaned forward to hug her sister.
As the two Princesses shared a nuzzle, Twilight and I shared a glance. Sisterly bonding time is great, but it makes everyone else in the room feel a little awkward for intruding on the moment.
After a second, the alicorns realized what had happened and broke away from each other.
Luna coughed lightly. “If that answered your question, perhaps it's time to move on with that recognition thing that I mentioned a minute ago.”
“Would you care to do the honors, Luna?”
“Of course, Tia. But if we're going to do it, we might as well do it in front of the others.” Everypony stood up and I scrambled to do the same, wondering what she meant by that. Luna lead the way back to the party room.
A blast of music greeted us as the door opened. The quiet band of before had been replaced by our friends. Rainbow Dash had somehow gotten her hooves on a guitar and strummed away for all she was worth while Applejack pounded on a small drum set and Rarity daintily played the chords (How do they do that with hooves?) on an electric keyboard. Even Fluttershy had bravely picked up a bass guitar and carefully plucked at the strings, trying her best to ignore the crowd of ponies that had gathered to listen.
“Don't stop! Believin'!” Pinkie Pie was shouting into a microphone. She was slightly off-key, but the rest of the band was playing a pretty accurate version of Journey's biggest hit.
“I don't think I've ever hear this song,” Celestia muttered as the ponies rocked the outro.
“It's from Earth,” Twilight explained. “Just one more thing that Jesse brought from home.”
The music ended a minute later and everypony bowed down to the Princesses. Once they'd all risen again, Luna stepped to the center of the room, cleared her throat, and began to speak.
“Thank you all for coming to this celebration that we have prepared. Especially since the reason for it hasn't been properly revealed yet. I'm sure that many of you have heard the stories that some of the mares who wield the Elements of Harmony have been sharing for the past half hour or so, but please allow me to briefly explain so that we all understand clearly.
“Yesterday morning, before the sun had even risen, the city of Bitsburg was attacked by a monster of pure darkness and hatred. The town was severely damaged and many ponies were killed. Our hearts go out to them and the grieving families and friends that they left behind.”
There were murmurs among the guests and a few had concerned looks on their faces. Perhaps they had friends or family that may have been affected. Once the talking had died down somewhat, Luna continued.
“The creature fled before we could retaliate and then proceeded to take refuge in Fillydelphia. After the evacuations had been arranged, it was clear that we needed help to defeat this monster, this shadow dragon. We turned to the bearers of the Elements of Harmony and a new friend of theirs who has come from another world.”
Luna gestured for me to step forward, and I did so as all eyes turned to me. I tried to keep myself from limping, but some of the ponies seemed to notice my uneven strides and whispered into their neighbors' ears. I could feel some extra blood rushing to my face.
“This is Jesse, who comes from a land called Earth. With the assistance of the bearers of the Elements, he destroyed the shadow dragon last night. I was present to witness the entire battle, so let me tell you all from my own testimony that his brash and courageous actions were what finally defeated the monster. Such a daring attack nearly claimed his life, despite the tools that we sent to aid him.
“Despite a major setback and wasted time, he never lost hope and persevered until the beast was slain at last. Moreover, his leadership skills were instrumental to their survival and ultimately their success. It is clear that the title that was temporarily given to him was well deserved. Kneel.”
The last word was directed at me, and I obeyed. Out of nowhere, the sword that I had used the night before appeared in the air and unsheathed itself. Luna's horn glowed as she levitated the silver blade until it rested on my shoulder.
“I hereby permanently bestow upon you the title of Captain, and furthermore you shall now be known as Sir Jesse the Bold, Guardian of Equestria.”
A few moments passed, then the floor shook from the onlookers' stamping applause. I looked up at Luna and tried to say something, but my tongue felt numb. After a few unsuccessful attempts at speech, I simply nodded and she nodded back with a gentle smile. The sword then pivoted in midair and she offered the handle to me.
As I stood and took the sword, Rainbow Dash flew up and landed on my shoulders. “So you're a knight now?” she said excitedly as she messed up my hair with a hoof. “That's so awesome!”
“You're practically a noble now,” Rarity added as she nuzzled my arm.
“Yay,” was all that Fluttershy had to say.
“Well, yer movin' right on up in th' world, ain'tcha?” Applejack was grinning.
I nodded, still not sure what to think of all this. One week, I told myself. I've been here for one week and I've gotten way further in life than I did in years on Earth. It was actually the eleventh day, but who's counting?
“Hey, do know what comes before Part B? PartAAAYYY!” Pinkie Pie grabbed me and threw me into the corner where the musical instruments had been abandoned, completely oblivious to the sharp sword that I could have impaled myself on. “Play some more Earth songs so we can get this thing started!”
“Yeah!” Applejack sped back to the drums and picked up the sticks (How the hell does she hold them with hooves? I asked myself). “Hey Twi', d'ya think you could use tha' fancy spell o' yers ta make us play the songs he's thinkin' of?”
“I think so,” Twilight said, deep in thought as Rainbow, Rarity, and Fluttershy also grabbed their instruments. Everypony was watching me eagerly.
I set down the sword off to the side and picked up a second guitar—a crimson stratocaster that had appeared out of nowhere. I tried to think of what song to do, but my mind was as blank as the Cutie Mark Crusaders' flanks. Just being thrown onstage without a word of warning doesn't exactly stimulate my brain.
“Uh, anypony have a request?” I asked the others, hoping for a little inspiration.
“Somethin' fast!” Rainbow said eagerly as she gave her guitar an experimental strum. Deep, growling notes came out of the speakers.
“Something poetic,” Rarity said airily. She set her hooves on the keys in a trill of quick light taps.
“Something heroic, like the battle!” Luna called out.
Fast, poetic, and heroic? Well, one band came to mind that embodied all three of those, but I couldn't...could I? I didn't know how to play any of their songs—but the magic would probably take care of that. Same thing with my lack of singing skills.
But, then again, this would be brutal. Fluttershy and Rarity would be left intact, but it would completely ruin both Applejack and Rainbow Dash! And I couldn't bring myself to do that, could I?
Actually, I could. Revenge is a bitch.
“This is a song by a human band called DragonForce,” I informed the crowd as I adjusted the microphone. They perked up with even more interest if possible; you can't take a name that badass without being totally hardcore. “It's a type of music that we call 'speed metal' on Earth.”
I nodded to Twilight, and her horn lit up with a bright purple glow. It was a shame that she wouldn't get pulled into this, but, as Meatloaf said, two out of three ain't bad.
I thought of the proper music, and the lights all dimmed to set the mood. No, I didn't choose “Through the Fire and Flames.” You can only hear a song so many times before you get sick of it. “Valley of the Damned” seemed like a better fit anyway.
A few short ghostly sounds from Rarity's keyboard filled the air, and some of the ponies glanced around nervously. Those noises raised the hairs on the back of my neck every time I heard them, and this time was no exception. The lights came back ever so slightly...
Everypony was blasted back by a sudden surge of noise and the lights flashed brightly. Rainbow was caught by surprise, but her hooves kept hitting the strings. Applejack was thrown around erratically as the sticks crashed onto the drums seemingly of their own accord in ear-pounding smacks and thunderous rolls. Fluttershy seemed to be having fun on the bass, but this was the easy part.
After a few moments, I slid my hand up the guitar's neck and started hitting the higher notes. Pinkie Pie joined with a harmonica. I hadn't planned on her being in this, but she kept up pretty good on her own and it sounded alright.
Just as everypony got comfortable with the way that the music sounded, everything changed and I was suddenly the only one playing. The lights dimmed again and I sang at the same time:
“On a cold dark winter night,
Hidden by the stormy light,
A battle rages for the right
For what will become”
The rest of the music came back in.
“In the Valley of the Damned
A warrior with sword in hand
Travels fast across the land
For freedom he rides.”
The music picked up and Applejack was being thrown around by her own hooves again. Rainbow was already breathing hard. I ignored both of them and concentrated on the song.
“And the sign from the master on high,
Screams aloud and across hear the cry
For the kingdom of fire and ice
And the power to be alive.
Be strong!
Ride on!
Carry on through the war!
Come along!
Carry on!
Living for evermore!”
Just when they thought that it couldn't get any louder and heavier, it did. The pounding shook the floor and everypony's teeth rattled in their jaws as we hit the pre-chorus.
“On the wiiings of death!
By the haaands of doom!
By the daaarkest light
From the daaarkest moon.
Crossing siiilent seas
Over mooountains high
For we stand
As one
Toniiiiight!
On the black wind forever
We ride on together
Destroying your evil
With freedom our guide.
When the master will call us
He'll stand high before us
Our hearts filled with splendor
Our swords will shine over the light!”
And so it went on for about seven minutes in total. The lights kept flashing different colors throughout, which was a little distracting but definitely made the impact even better. I really liked the way that they dimmed and then flashed when I played the solo.
Of course, Rainbow and Applejack were about ready to strangle me. They were tough ponies, but they were totally out of their league here. Even Equestrian guitars weren't designed with hooves in mind, and a lifetime of bucking apple trees wasn't ample training for becoming a drummer of this level.
Comparatively, Rarity and Fluttershy seemed to be enjoying themselves. Pinkie was still playing that harmonica, and doing a damn good job on it. Since I actually knew how the song went, I was also having a pretty good time and the pain in my fingers wasn't as bad as I had predicted it would be. I would have preferred to use a pick, but you need to make do with what you have.
Once the final chorus was sung and my wailing outro solo faded away, the lights returned to normal. The crowd stayed completely still for a moment. Their manes were all sticking out, as if they'd been electrocuted, and their mouths all hung open. It was the classic cartoony vision of minds being blown right the fuck out of their skulls. If it were any more stereotypical, there would have been an elderly pony whose dentures would fall right out of his mouth and hit the ground with an echoing clack.
And then that exact thing happened.
Then the cheering came. Lots of cheering. The crowd went wild and whooped in appreciation. All at once they started stamping their hooves and Luna shouted for a second song.
Judging by our drummer and secondary guitarist's panting and gasping for breath, another one like that wouldn't be happening any time soon. My fingers were sore and raw, but they were much worse off. Applejack had collapsed onto the snare and fought to get air into her lungs. Rainbow was rubbing her hooves together to get the circulation going again.
“That's for the trebuchet ride,” I said loudly enough for the two of them to hear over the yelling. They glanced at each other worriedly, obviously making a mental agreement to never prank me again. Or to get me back really good later. It was one of those two, anyway.
As the onlookers stomped on the floor and Applejack rubbed at her throbbing legs, I had a moment to think. One week, I thought again. A little over one week to go from a jobless nobody in the ass-end of nowhere to being a hero. And a rockstar, apparently. I had to smile at the thought.
That would probably be a good place to end this, but at that moment I noticed a white unicorn stallion in the audience. I could feel my blood pressure spike just from looking at him. His wavy amber hair (undisturbed by the music, somehow) and compass stud stamp were unmistakeable.
That asshole! I thought. What kind of person refused to spare a little common decency for a fellow pony? Hell, I'd never had any decent amount of money on Earth, but that didn't mean that I couldn't afford some manners.
A sudden thought entered my head, and, even though it was stupid and childish, it was just too good to pass up. You have to grow old, but growing up is optional. So I would play just one more prank...
“I have another song that I'd like to play,” I announced into the microphone. “A much shorter, slower song. This one is dedicated to Prince Blueblood, for how he so graciously entertained my good friend Rarity when she was here for the Grand Galloping Gala.”
I heard Rarity gasp behind me, but she was cut off as Pinkie shoved a trumpet into her hooves. She also replaced Rainbow's guitar with a trombone and took another one for herself. I had no clue where she got them or how she knew that we needed them for the song, but it was Pinkie Pie. You just can't explain her.
The prince had raised an eyebrow and the rest of the crowd waited impatiently while Twilight worked her spell again. Equestria was about to discover ska.
The song started with the brass instruments, followed by a quick roll from Applejack's drums. Prince Blueblood had a smug grin on his lips and nudged a silver-coated mare that was next to him, raising his brow suggestively. Yeah, I get my own song from the human, he was saying without words.
I was about to make that cockiness evaporate.
“I wrote this song about you,” I sang as I strummed the guitar in an upbeat rhythm.
“I wrote this song about you.
Just to let you know
That I hate your guts
And I think
You suck.”
There were gasps and a few snickers from the crowd. The Blueblood's mouth dropped open in shock, but I concentrated on singing the chorus again as the other instruments came back in.
“I wrote this song about you.
I wrote this song about you.
Just to let you know
That I hate your guts
And I think
You suck.
I hate the way you look,”
“You make me sick,” the entire crowd joined in, captured by Twilight's enchantment.
“I hate the way you talk.”
“I wanna punch you in the face.”
“I can't stand you at all!”
“You drive me insane!”
“Why won't you go
Away-ay-ay-ay?
I wrote this song about you.
I wrote this song about you.
Just to let you know
That I hate your guts
And I think
You suck.”
The music suddenly swelled to a dramatic crescendo.
“This is your song!” I was yelling into the mic.
“Congratulations!
You're the inspiration!
I hate you so much!
You're why I wrote this song!
Congratulations!
You're immortalized!
I hate you so much,
I hope you fuckin' DIIIIIIE!”
As the last note faded away, I noticed that the prince was gone. He must have slipped away at some point. Yeah, that's what I thought. Run and hide, you little shit.
Despite the fact that I had just shouted an obscenity and insulted a member of the royal family, there was a lot of applause. Even Princess Celestia was unsuccessfully trying to hide a smile and Luna was clopping her hooves in giddy delight. Apparently the prince wasn't all that popular around the palace.
There was a lot more music that went on that day and into the night, but I let the ponies handle it. It was a great party that I won't bother describing. Use your imagination.
Also, imagine that this chapter had something impressive and meaningful to end with, because I can't think of anything. Insert your own ponified commercial or something.