Rainbow Dash enters the room and looks at the Bible still laying on her couch. With a silent sigh she turns her camera on again and sits down.
"Welcome, my dear believing sisters and brothers.
Surprisingly, I haven't been nailed to the cross yet and the second episode of my Bible analysis is on schedule. Everypony says I'm intolerant against religion, but the truth is that the people who think I'm intolerant simply are intolerant against my intolerance.
Many say the Bible can't be interpreted literally and is only filled with 'symbols and metaphors', or that the seven days in which Equestria was created weren't done in our today's time definitions and calculations. You know what those counter arguments are?
Excuses. Those are simple and normal excuses.
If the bible was written today then all the logical flaws I was questioning in the last episode wouldn't have existed. You know why? Because then you couldn't disprove it. Back then you couldn't disprove the Bible either, and everypony thought that this would never happen. Who would've guessed that one day we will make it through the vault?
And now that we can disprove the Bible, everything suddenly is just metaphors and symbols. How convenient!
The truth is: The Bible is bullshit. But the church can't say it's bullshit, because that would ultimately mean that religion is bullshit! And that's why it's suddenly all just symbols and not meant literally. But when this was written, it was meant literally.
They could've also said that 'a pink Celestia on a sparkling comet shat everypony out'. As soon as someone comes along and disproves this, it suddenly becomes a metaphor. "The world of shit we live in is painted pink due to the sins we've committed, the comet represents the essence of our lives, and the horn is the sword of salvation we find in our believe."
You see? You can deform everything to your needs to sell people bullshit. And this, my dear friends, is bullshit in its purest form. And that's why I interpret the Bible exactly how it was meant: literally.
"This is the account of the heavens and Equestria when they were created, when the Lord God made Equestria and the heavens. Now no shrub had yet appeared on Equestria and no plant had yet sprung up, for the Lord God had not sent rain on Equestria and there was nopony to work the ground, but streams came up from Equestria and watered the whole surface of the ground."
I still don't get how this entire thing with 'the vault' works up there. Is there some sort of mechanism or a switch that makes the vault permeable to water, and then gets waterproof towards that 'ocean' we have up there in space again, so it only rains in stages?
"Then the Lord God..."
Why does it always say 'Lord God'? Isn't 'God' enough? No, it always has to be 'Lord God', as if you could confuse him with 'Lady God' or 'Lord Dick Without Foreskin'. I could bet this book would be a hundred pages shorter if it didn't always say 'Lord God'.
"Then the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the pony he had formed. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil."
If God is such an amazing dude, why the hell does he need a gardener? How about making a garden that doesn't need any work? He threw together the entire fucking planet in like 5 minutes but needs a pony to mow his damned lawn? Seriously?
"And the Lord God commanded the pony, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”"
First off, why does he put a tree there our pony friend may not eat from? Where is the logic in here? He threw this planet together in a few minutes, so why can't he quickly assemble a new one and put the tree of the knowledge on that one, so nopony will die a painful death?
Second of all, how is a pony that only lived for about half a minute supposed to understand what eating or even dying is? How is he supposed to understand what this God dude wants from him? He may be a full grown stallion but is mentally a new born. I can imagine him laying on the ground like some disabled retard.
You know how to calculate the IQ? You take the mental age and divide it by the calendar age multiplied by one hundred. The mental age of this pony equals zero. His age is around, let's say 20. That means his IQ is zero as well.
For a comparison, a pony with down syndrome has an IQ of about 50. So that means, according to the Bible, the very first pony was an absolute prime example of a 24-carat idiot.
"Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the pony to see what he would name them; and whatever the pony called each living creature, that was its name."
So our... 'special somepony' here who couldn't talk, eat, or even wipe his own ass is now given the task to give every animal in Equestria a name. Damn, I wish I could've seen that.
"*Points to the left* Huwfwaharwahfafah... *Points to the right* Huwahhaaghtrahjah... *Points upwards* HUUUWUUUUHH!!!"
"And the Lord God caused the pony to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the pony's ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a mare from the rib he had taken out of the stallion, and he brought her to the stallion."
He creates every single damned animal and even our special case here out of earth, but to create a mare he has to rip out a fucking rib? And how are you even supposed to create an entire pony from a single rib, which in turn has another full set of ribs? It'sa kinda magic...
"And Lord God gave the pony a wand and sent him to Platform 9 3/4. From there he traveled to the Hogwarts school for witchcraft and magic, won the Quidditch tournament, and got 100 points for Gryffindor."
That was the second chapter of the Bible. Next time: The Fall."
For a second Rainbow Dash thinks about knocking down her camera with the Bible, but quickly realizes that not even a camera deserves such a terrible fate. She moves over and turns it off, gently.