“Swag.”
“Discord, shut the fuck up and fix my legs.”
***
Hey guys, how you been? Me? I'm bleeding out on the floor. Casually.
Yup, about to die of blood loss yet Discord being the twat we all know he is doesn't give a fuck. And what's worse, he seems to know about internet culture from my world and keeps spamming it. He's speaking like the most immature spacko you'll find on the internet. I'm sure he'd be banned by now if this was any self-respecting forum. Forget banned: he'd be bloody executed.
Sound quite like me now I think about it...
Oh and yeah, that sticky stuff? Wasn't blood.
And no, it wasn't that. It was chocolate rain.
So yeah, Discord, palace, me. Bring it.
“Discord. I've told you so many times before: Shut the fuck up, I'm going to die.”
“No you're not. Why do you think you can now speak again?”
Woah. Mind blown right there.
He is Discord after all. He can just do whatever the fuck he feels like and it's cool.
Motherfucking Discord.
“Then why am I still bleeding everywhere?”
“That's my blood.”
Okay, what the fuck. Discord is one creepy... thing. Why the fuck would you even do that? I know he's the God of chaos and random shit but that's just beyond chaotic.
That's so me.
Only I can be me. Fuck off.
“Dude, what the shit? You know I could get HIV from this?”
“lol.”
This guy. I don't even know what to say. Okay, let's try to get on his terms. Maybe I can harness the beast that is Motherfucking Discord. Reel him in, tone him down a little. There's only room on this planet for me.
“Dickord (Come on, that was a good one), this is my fucking forum and you're gonna do what I say. Or I bring down the Banhammer and fuck your IP Address.”
Oh, that actually worked. Out of nowhere I'm now on a chair at a table with two dishes and two candles. I've also got this smart tie around my neck.
Sweet.
All that description is making my head spin now. Literally spinning too, Discord being Discord thought he'd detach my neck. He just doesn't stop being a twat.
“Anything from the menu?” Discord inquires, brandishing a menu out of who-the-fuck cares.
“No.”
“Suit yourself. I'll have one round of your finest Swag, please,” says Discord to the air.
“Bon appetit,” replies the air.
I don't think my brain can handle much more of this.
No! I must focus, I must prove to everyone that all those hours spent on the internet were worth it. I must prove that I am the final boss of the internet. Not this fucking draconequus.
“So, Discord. Why the flying fuck did you bring here?”
“Look bro, I'm Discord. I just do whatever I want and you accept it,” Motherfucking Discord says before taking a sip of his tea.
Wait, there's tea? How?
Look you arrogant little shit. You may be Discord but I'm the Seventh Element of Harmony.
Still can't keep a straight face when someone says that.
“Can't we just be mates? You know, not drowning me in your blood. ”
Just look at all the shit we could fuck up together. We could dominate everything. Why? Motherfucking Discord, that's why. It's like the end-all to every argument.
Why'd you disintegrate my child?
Motherfucking Discord.
Why'd you eat my house?
Mother. Fucking. Discord.
Why'd you torch the whole of the Everfree Forest?
Because yolo.
“Nah, you're alright.”
Oh sweet Celestia. He just changed into me. There's now two of me. And he even has a dick too just to show he's superior.
Fuck, this has gone too far. Time to bring in the big guns. And no, I don't mean my ridiculously huge muscles. You lot aren't worthy of the gun show.
“Look, you wankstain, you don't just change into me. I'll fucking tear you a new one. Change back, or I literally plough your intestines with a rake.”
I'm not even kidding. I will get a rake, and I will ram it through his fucking head. Won't stop there, oh hell no. I'll get... ANOTHER rake.
Yeah, you heard right. Two fucking rakes? This shit is mental.
So yeah the second one's going through his spine and out the other side.
Fuck this guy. Fuck everything about him. He's just the biggest knob in history. I know he's Motherfucking Discord but please have a fucking boundary. He currently looks like me, speaks like me and he's a twat like me. Why can't we just team up and fuck everyone else over?
“Look crotchstain, I don't need you. I don't care about you. I don't even like you. I just thought I'd bring you over for some fun as I'm bored. I'm Discord, you're invalid, and that's that. I could turn you into a blade of grass right now and sit on you. I could then do things to that blade of grass that would shock the whole multiverse. That blade of grass won't have a good time I assure you. So shut the hay up, and don't question my antics.”
That does it. I'm getting a third rake.
No actually wait, I have a better idea.
“My lord, my saviour, hear my plea!” I yell upwards to the sky. “Grant my power to vanquish this foul beast! Grant your Seventh Element the power to defeat the Draconequus and save Equestria! Grace me with your power!”
Here it comes, here comes something. I can feel it, the whole palace is shaking. God has heard my plea and is granting me unheard of gifts. I'm going on Twitter straight after and telling all 2 of my followers about this shit. Fuck this is gonna get so many retweets.
Holy fucking shit. Look at that. What's that? It's only a giant fucking golden sword. Somehow it's made its way through the roof of the palace and it's coming right to me. Discord isn't the only one who can just do whatever the fuck he wants.
Motherf-
Wait, let's not be blasphemous.
The huge sword-o-doom sticks to my hoof like a magnet and I raise it above my ahead like a total boss.
Someone instagram this shit right now. Oh wait, hold that thought.
Zap!
Lightning strikes the tip of the sword, sending sparks flying around the room.
Zap!
Ow, what the fuck? That lightning just electrocuted me and burnt half my skin off. Oh and the sword has vaporised. What the actual fuck is going on?
This was meant to be the moment when I decapitated that douchebag over there. Oh and then all the ponies too.
“Oh, that was me.”
“What?”
“TROLLED,” says Discord bursting into laughter.
He sounds like some five year-old when laughing. And I cannot just believe that not only did Discord mess with me, God didn't answer my call.
I'm close to tears now.
HUZZAH!
Oh not again. This time there's a bright shining light and angels singing something from somewhere. I honestly don't know.
Through the light flutters down a white piece of paper.
Paper. Thanks Lord Almighty, just what I needed.
Maybe it's got some death spell in it. Or a clopfic. I won't judge you if it does.
The paper lands face up on the table and both Discord and I lean over to read it.
Get your ugly fucking face away from mine you fat inbred shit.
So was it a clopfic? No.
Make some friends.
Oh for fuck's sake. For the last time, nobody cares.
Okay, I tried, I honestly tried for a good ten seconds somewhere in this story. But I just can't do it. Can't I have something easier to do? Like be a twat to everyone? Because I can do that.
No, right now I've been a prick to everyone. I may have referred to it as twat but it's really a prick. Twat is like the level above, and you don't want to see it. This isn't even my final form.
“You finished?” Discord asks.
“Well actually I-”
Zap!
Blade of grass. Just like that I'm a fucking blade of grass. He wasn't even joking.
Motherfucking Discord.
And before you ask, being a blade of grass doesn't give me genitals. I can talk though. Believe me I can, I just swore multiple times.
Oh and Discord just sat on me. Let's not go there: it's absolutely disgusting.
And now he's holding me out the window. What window? I honestly don't know- he just ripped one out of time and space.
Discord is so bloody overpowered.
“lol. See you, “Hero of Equestria.” To think you actually thought you could beat me? Me? The greatest thing since sliced bread.”
And he went there. That's my line you fucker.
And he hurls me out the window. Doesn't even drop me, he just fucking throws me as hard as he can. Twat on all levels.
Would you look at that? How the hell am I supposed to make friends whilst gliding around in the wind? I would come down and ask for help except I can't.
Because I'm a blade of grass and I can't move. Duh.
So, what's next?
I have no fucking clue.
I'll make friends with the wind or something.