ASSIST ME!!
PRINCESS LUNA!
The lights dim as the curtain rises, revealing a room regally decorated in dark blue with a large bed covered in fine silk sheets, and an elegant wooden desk set up across from it. It appears to belong to some kind of royalty.
A spotlight shines down from above on an equine-like creature with a dark blue coat, a mane and tail that flow as if being blown by a calm breeze both of which also appear to have been taken straight out of the night sky, along with a pair of large wings on her side and a long horn on her head. The fur on her flank is black with a white crescent moon and a single white star on it and she is wearing an onyx tiara and neckpiece along with silver slippers on her hooves.
She looks straight ahead when the spotlight shines on her and smiles sweetly.
“Greetings, wayward foals.” She begins soothingly “We art known to thee as Princess Luna, Raiser of the Moon and Ruler of Equestria alongside our dear elder sister, Princess Celestia.”
Luna glances around before returning her attention to the front.
“Though we art not physically present in Equestria at this time. We art merely projecting our room in Canterlot into the Dreamscape.”
As if seeing that this was met with confusion, Luna began trotting back and forth in her room, always with her head turned slightly towards the front.
“To assist thee in understanding, ‘tis a mysterious room. A room where thou can do as thee desires.”
She stops in the center and looks straight forward once more.
“In all honesty, ‘tis a sanctuary for the sorrowful, wayward foals who art unable to attain their true purpose in life. ‘Tis an ‘Avalon’, so to speak.”
Her muzzle took on a grimace.
“If thou art one of those fools who believes thou doth not need assistance, or whom only desires to discover hidden secrets, or that thou shalt merely-“ but another voice immediately cut her off.
“CUT!” and the spotlight turned off, followed swiftly by the lights turning back on. Two humanoids then walked into the “room”.
The first humanoid was a female with long pink hair that had been tied into a large ponytail save her bangs and also partially styled to appear as overly large “ears” despite the pink-furred cat-like ones directly in front of them and she also had amber cat’s eyes.
She wore a strange coat that looked similar to the ones doctors wear, except this one had long sleeves that ended in comically over-sized cat’s paws with several large slit-like openings at the ends of each and was partly undone in the middle, showing a fairly immodest amount of her midriff, a pair of red Capri pants that were held up by an overlarge black leather belt with a bell on it and had an opening on the back to allow her two-pronged tail to go through, and a pair of white, slip-on shoes on her feet. She also wore glasses that at this moment were perched precariously on the bridge of her nose.
The second humanoid was a gigantic red male that was enormous by most species standards, having to stoop slightly so as not to hit his head on the ceiling which, if the creak of the floor under his feet were any indication, would be in worse shape than him.
His hair was spiked sharply as if he’d been electrocuted and he wore an odd outfit that consisted of a sleeveless red shirt and what appeared to be some sort of “skirt” that had armor protecting either leg with red boots barely visible at the bottom, what appeared to be a pair of orange non-reflective goggles over his eyes and some kind of “shackles” on his enormous forearms.
As the female strode over to Princess Luna with an extremely aggravated expression on her face, Luna spoke to her, confused.
“We apologise, Professor Kokonoe… were we incorrect in our lines again?” she asked tentatively.
“You’re damn straight you were, half those words were unintelligible by all but the smartest people watching!” Kokonoe replied angrily.
“Actually, Kokonoe, I thought she was doing wonderfully and-" The giant began but he was interrupted by Kokonoe jabbing her clawed finger in his face (or as close to his face as she could manage without stretching, which was actually around the middle of his chest.)
“Shut it Tager, no one’s asking you!” she snapped and then spun back on the Alicorn. “None of the nutbars who watch this show understand all that ‘thou’ and ‘thee’ crap; you have to use modern speech!”
“B-but ‘tis traditional for a Princess to speak to her subjects using the royal tongue!” Luna protested.
“I don’t care and no one else will either when they’re in here, so talk to them like a normal pony.” Kokonoe retorted, then she turned and stalked back out of sight with Tager close behind. The lights dimmed once more and Kokonoe’s voice shouted from the darkness “Take it from the top, Luna!”
The spotlight snaps back on over Luna, who looks straight forward once more and smiles sweetly.
“Greetings, wayward foals.” She begins soothingly “We art known to thee as-“
“Dammit, CUT!” and the lights returned once more, though not before Kokonoe was halfway across the room.
“I said ‘modern’ speech, Luna, you’re killing me here!” she exclaimed, frustrated.
“We doth not understand what thou means by ‘modern speech’, Professor!” Luna retorted irritably, though a barely audible snickering could be heard from somewhere out of sight. Luna immediately spun her head and snapped “T-Tis not funny, Sister!”
“I think it’s absolutely adorable, Lu-Lu!” Came a reply from somewhere in the darkness. Luna flung her head away indignantly.
“Yes, well, nopony asked for your opinion, Tia!” she huffed, which only received some more chuckling in response. Kokonoe, however, flung her hands out toward the Moon Princess.
“That! That right there is what I want to hear!” she exclaimed “Why can’t you do that the entire time?!”
“T’would be undignified of a royal princess, Professor, ‘tis tradition!” Luna replied. Kokonoe took her glasses off and pinched the bridge of her nose, frustrated. After a moment, she held out her hand like she was making an offer.
“How about this; I go ahead and host the first episode and talk to you, just to show you how it’s done. Then afterwards you host the show yourself, taking from my example.” Kokonoe said “Does that sound okay to you, Luna?”
Luna thought for a moment before replying.
“Tis a fair deal, we… excuse me, ‘I’… accept your offer.”
Kokonoe put her glasses back on and clapped her hands together excitedly, a wicked grin on her face.
“Right, let’s get this party started! You go wait over there until I tell you to enter.” She said, pointing somewhere out of sight, taking Luna’s spot on the “stage” as the Alicorn did what she was told.
“This should be most interesting, Tager!” said “Tia’s” voice, though the giant merely groaned.
“I wish I shared your enthusiasm, Princess Celestia…” he replied, getting a giggle from the unseen Sun Princess.
“Don't worry; I'm certain everything will be just fine.” Celestia assured him, even as a yellow-light appeared and a banana came floating into view, revealing the Alicorn’s amused expression.
“Hey you done chatting with your marefriend over there, Tager?” Kokonoe called out from the “room” ”Okay, lower the curtains and change the backdrop. If I’m doing this, I’m doing this right! ”
The lights dimmed as the curtains lowered onto the stage.
“And kill that light, we don’t want to mess this up!”
Celestia rolled her eyes and the aura surrounding her horn, and thus the one holding up the banana, disappeared.
“Oh my, I appear to have dropped my banana…” She said, sadly.
After a moment, the lights came back on and a sign appeared in front of the curtains as Luna’s voice called out from somewhere off-stage.
WE REQUIRE THINE ASSISTANCE!!
PROFESSOR KOKONOE!
The curtains rose back up, revealing not the bedroom previously shown, but a messy lab that contained several computer screens, a large, fluid filled cylinder, and a desk almost completely consumed by brightly colored packages, some important-looking papers… and an open bag of potato chips. A spotlight turns on, revealing Professor Kokonoe standing in the center holding some kind of lollipop. She stares straight ahead and smiles sweetly.
“Greetings, lost children.” Kokonoe began soothingly.
“I am Professor Kokonoe, genius scientist and ruler of the Sector Seven laboratory.” She continued, then glanced around “…Well, okay, we aren’t in the lab at the moment. This place can sort of be temporarily moved into the Boundary.”
As if this was met with confusion, she began to pace back and forth on stage slowly, as one would if giving a lecture.
“Well, simply put, it’s a mysterious room. A room where you can do anything you want.”
She turned and stared ahead again, a serious look on her face.
“To be honest, it’s a paradise for all those sad, little lost children who couldn’t make it to the true ending. A sort of ‘Avalon’.”
She paced back to her original spot on stage, a slightly annoyed look on her face.
“If you’re one of those nutbars who’s all like ‘I don’t need help’ or ‘I only wanna unlock hidden stuff’ or ‘I’ll just look for a flowchart online,’ then you can piss off!” she exclaimed, pointing sharply off stage.
She looked straight ahead once more and sighed in resignation.
“Very well. Lost child of the day… you may enter.”
She then turned and walked over to an office chair that had somehow gotten on-stage and plopped unceremoniously down in it as the lights came back on. She stared in an almost bored fashion over to the opposite end of the stage as Princess Luna trotted back on.
“Okay, we have some-GAH!” Kokonoe had to cover her ears as she was interrupted mid-sentence by a voice that made an air horn sound like a minor nuisance.
“GREETINGS, PROFESSOR KOKONOE!” Luna bellowed in her Royal Canterlot Voice. “WE ASK THAT THOU BESTOW UPON US THINE WISDOM!”
Luna looked at Kokonoe confused “IS THERE SOMETHING TROUBLING THEE, PROFESSOR? ART WE NOT DOING AS THOU HAD REQUESTED?” She asked as Kokonoe gave another yelp of pain and pressed her hands harder on her ears.
“Sister, please stop speaking in the Royal Canterlot Voice.” Celestia called out from the darkness.
“Yes, please, whatever the hell it is you’re doing, stop! My ears can’t take much more!” Kokonoe cried out. Luna’s face flushed as she cleared her throat.
“Our apologies, Professor, we-” but it was Kokonoe’s turn to interrupt Luna.
“NEVER do that in here again!” She snapped angrily “This is an enclosed space, which means soundwaves are just gonna bounce around in here until they finally dissipate, like a damn bell! You do know what those are, don’t you?!”
Luna was taken aback, but then glared angrily at Kokonoe.
“Yes, we doth know what a bell is, we art not completely uneducated!”
Kokonoe held one of her hands out to silence Luna while her other rubbed her still ringing ears.
“Let’s not get off track. Explain to everyone why you’re here today, Luna.” She said, gesturing towards the front.
Luna gave Kokonoe one last angry glare before clearing her throat and speaking.
“We doth not understand what it is we continue to do wrong and we were hoping thee would enlighten us.” She stated.
“Got it in one, Princess, and while we’re at it I’ve got a couple of new rules to put down.” Kokonoe said as she once more slouched back in her chair, and then held up a hand.
“First.” She said, extending a finger “No more ‘Royal Canterlot Voice’ inside the Boundary-slash-Dreamscape. The sound will just get amplified in here and probably blow someone’s ears out.”
“You are most welcome, Professor.” Celestia’s voice called out from the darkness, earning a glare from the beast-kin.
“I would, at this time, like to inform the peanut gallery to keep their damn traps shut during the show, thank you.” She snapped back at the unseen Alicorn.
“Thou shalt not speak to our sister in such a tone!” Luna exclaimed angrily, jabbing her hoof at Kokonoe.
“Hey! My room, my rules, I’ll talk to her however I damn well please!” Kokonoe retorted. Luna huffed, but did not respond.
“Now, second rule.” She said, extending a second finger “The only time you get to use the ‘Royal Canterlot Voice’ is if you meet an annoying little prick named Hazama. Trust me, you’ll know the shit-stain when you see him, he’ll be wearing a cheap-ass suit and hat and have a stupid grin on his face. If you ever do meet him, plug up your ears and let him have it full blast.”
Luna flushed at Kokonoe’s excessively foul language, but she nodded.
“Okay then!” Kokonoe said, clapping her hands together “Luna one of the things you’ve gotta understand is that the way you speak currently is way out-of-date and, in all honesty, scares the crap out of your ‘subjects’. Couple that with your near-constant use of the RCV-”
“We beg thine pardon?” Luna asked, causing Kokonoe to face-palm.
“The Royal Canterlot Voice, please keep up with the acronyms, Luna.” She grumbled, but continued her explanation “Anyway, your near-constant use of the Royal Canterlot Voice and your outdated language isn’t exactly winning you any friends among the populace.”
“Tis not our fault we-” Luna protested but was stopped by Kokonoe holding up her hands soothingly.
“I know, I know, you were imprisoned on the moon for a thousand years, no one’s blaming you.” She replied calmly “All we’re saying is that you need to realize things have changed and that you need to adapt.”
“…So how would thee suggest we ‘adapt’?” Luna asked curiously.
Kokonoe rested her head in the palm of one hand and examined her lollipop in the other, giving the impression she was quite bored.
“Pretty simple, really.” She stated “Just talk to people like you talk to your sister when nobody- er, I mean, nopony, is around. In short; be casual.” And then she sat up “And since this is a special place, just act however you want. The only rule here is the guests can’t leave until you give them advice and since character roles are non-existent in here, don’t be afraid to break from the norm and go a little crazy every now and then. Hell, feel free to tell your ‘guests’ exactly what you think about them just to piss ‘em off because there's nothing they can do to stop you!”
“Is that so?” Luna asked, cocking a perfectly sculpted eyebrow judgingly “And I suppose you are not normally so abrasive on your world?”
“Actually, she’s not that much different here than back home.” Tager replied from the darkness. There was an audible ping as Kokonoe threw her lollipop at him.
“Can it, Tager!” She reached into her sleeve and produced another lollipop. “Besides, I do behave differently here.” She said, popping the treat into her mouth.
“How so?” Luna asked.
“Well for one, I can actually give direct answers here. Back home I have to be all ‘mysterious’ and shit.” She replied casually “Not to mention that I’m easily ten times the bitch here that I am at home.”
There was a moment of silence where both Kokonoe and Luna stared at the large shadow of Tager, who held up his hands as if warding off the unspoken question.
“No comment, Silvervine is expensive.” He said.
“Good answer, Tager!” Kokonoe replied cheerfully, though she had been glaring at the giant just seconds prior, daring him to take another crack at her.
“Okay…” Luna said, suspecting what “Silvervine” might actually be “Why bother with behaving differently? Will that not confuse the guest later, Professor?”
“A, they won’t remember and B, who gives a shit? I sure as hell don’t.” Kokonoe responded immediately, as if she’d been expecting the question. Luna frowned in confusion.
“If they do not remember, what is the purpose of this show, pray tell? Luna asked “Are we not simply wasting our time then?”
“Not really, the audience will remember for them and take our advice into consideration for when they’re writing shitty fan-fiction or making crappy online videos or even when they’re making a piss-poor attempt at their favorite character’s voice.” Kokonoe replied calmly and then jabbed a finger directly at the darkness.
“That’s right, I’m talking to you! You know who you are, don’t even try to deny it and if I catch you getting my voice wrong again, I’ll have Tager tear your tongue out through your ass, got it?!”
“She’ll do it, too…” Tager said glumly.
“Um, are you… speaking to somepony in particular, Professor Kokonoe?” Luna asked, unsure. Kokonoe nodded her head.
“Yes, Luna, yes I am.” She replied.
“…Who are you talking to?”
“They know who they are; I don’t need to name them.”
“Who..?”
Kokonoe’s eye twitched.
“What, we got freaking Owlowicious in here? I just said I don’t need to name them, dammit!”
“But I do not understand, Professor!” Luna cried, but she took a step back when Kokonoe glared at her.
“Just forget about it, Luna, I’ve got one last piece of advice for you.” Kokonoe said, taking a breath to calm herself.
“And that is..?” Luna asked flatly.
“Stop treating everyone, and everypony, like they’re your subjects, because they might be like me and not exactly from your world.” Kokonoe replied.
“I still do not fully understand, but I shall take your advice under consideration...” Luna said darkly.
“That’s good, because it doesn’t get any simpler. “ Kokonoe replied, smiling then straightened up in her chair.
“Alright, I’m gonna recap all my advice for you so that you can get your flank out of here.” She said, and then cleared her voice “Don’t use the ‘Royal Canterlot Voice’ (unless Hazama is here),drop the old way of speaking, talk to your guests like you’ve been talking to me just now and don’t be afraid to let them know exactly what’s on your mind. Just do this and you will be absolutely fine, okay?” Kokonoe asked. Luna nodded.
“Yes, Kokonoe, we shall use the wisdom you have given us to conduct this show in a manner similar to yourself.” Luna bowed, but added under her breath “Perhaps with less language.”
“Hey, whatever floats your boat, Moon Pie. It’ll be your show, not mine.” Kokonoe said before standing up from the chair and walking off stage, leaving the Moon Princess to stare at her in shock as the lights dimmed and the curtains fell.
“How did she… Moon Pie?!”