I sat on the edge of a small cliff. Being young always taught you how to roam around, and i found this after one of my many 'excursions' with my friends. This was my cliff, and I always found it easy to think here. There are times I had contemplated jumping, after living two lives for so long. It just seemed there was only one way to stop it all. I've always wondered would the universe be any different had I actually taken a step. I've always wondered that.
"Ben?" I heard a familiar voice behind me, one that was usually happy and cheerful now sounded depressing and I couldn't help but feel my heart rate slow to a crawl.
I sighed, "Yes Pinkie?" I turned around to face her. She had a flat mane, and her pink had turned a rather pinkish grey.
"You're thinking about doing it again?" I looked at her, tears welling up in my eyes. I have never felt more disappointed in myself. The first time I looked over the cliff, ready to take a step, I thought I could better myself. Instead I created an alter ego, and it is a mask I still wear. Very few know me without it on.
Pinkie looked down at the ground and shuffled her hooves. "I wouldn't blame you if you did." I looked behind me, the small cliff had a rocky bottom. Far enough to kill, or at least make a person forget. I looked back at Pinkie who had a small ring of wetness well up in her eyes.
"Pinkie, I'm sorry." I kept the edge of the cliff in my peripheral vision, always a constant reminder that it is there. "My lies have hurt many, but lies always hurt me twice as much. I just wanted everyone to be happy while being around me. I just wanted my own happiness. Only to be reminded of this cliff, every damn time." I kicked a rock off the cliff, and heard the everlasting tumble at the bottom. I sat down with my feet hanging off the end, as they had grown tired on the climb up here. I had began to cry, but it wasn't hysterical. It was almost like acceptance, that my fate was to teeter on an edge.
"Not everyone has to be happy. Happiness comes and goes, much like sadness or any other emotion. Happiness cannot be forced, and it most certainly cannot be held forever." I turned around to see Pinkie stare me down, her mane still flat, but her stare had turned into something I haven't seen in a while.
"Pinkie, please, I need to be alone." She made small movement towards me. As anger seemed to fill her eyes. She still stared me down.
"Being alone! This is where it got you in the first place! You cannot do this alone!" She yelled, but I did not lose my composure. I simply turned my head to face her, only to get too scared to look her in the eyes. I quickly turned back around and stared at the ground, it was so far away.
I flicked a rock to tumble down the cliff side. "Pinkie, I've done it alone before, why can't I do it now?" I stared up to the grey skies. A constant overcast anymore.
"Ben, no one can help you, but you want to help everyone." I shrugged, and Pinkie walked and hung her hind hooves off the cliff. She was sitting next to me, still staring me down. "You've done it alone so far, because you never gave full trust into anyone, so they can never do the same with you." I looked at her. Trying to make sense of what she was saying.
"But, I do give my full trust."
She sighed and shook her head. "No Ben, you don't. You are afraid of getting hurt, or hurting another's feelings. You want to be happy, yet you only think about everyone else's happiness. When was the last time you stopped and asked, 'what makes me happy?'" I shivered a little, it had begun to get chilly.
I took my hoodie and put it on, in an instant the buzz of cool air was gone. I lifted up my hood, to cover my face from embarrassment. I had not asked myself what made me happy. I've never been happy unless others are, and Pinkie was right about all of it.
"But, making people happy does make me happy Pinkie, you should understand that." Again she shook her head, and I felt a little dumbfounded. I thought that's why she was happy, well until now.
"Ben, I am happy, because I do the things I love. I bake, I eat, I sleep, I laugh, and even sometimes when I am alone, I cry. I don't want to, but sometimes you have to be sad in order to be happy. Don't you get that yet?"
I looked over to reply, and like dust, she had vanished by way of the wind. It was the first time I cried in a long time, just for the sake of crying. It was the first time, I enjoyed being cold, and I enjoyed silence.