5/14
Private: DO NOT READ!!!!
Dear Diary,
I’m sooo sorry that I couldn’t start writing in you...I was busy purging and freeing another pony! :) :)
I’m really starting to notice a difference in my lifestyle thanks to this whole exorcism thing. Maybe Mom and Dad were right.
Okay, sorry Diary, I know this is only your first day. Wait, this is only your first day?! It feels like I’ve known you forever! Well, it doesn’t matter. Let me start at the beginning.
My full name would astonish and frighten you even at a mere mention, so it will suffice to say that I am a princess, heir to the royal throne of Equestria. After having a falling out with my sisters Celestia and Luna, I was banished, or something like that. I don’t really remember it much; it was a long time ago. So I was banished from Canterlot, and I took up residence in this little town called Ponyville. Now when I was there, I made five friends and blah, blah, blah, boring. It was fun and all, but trying to write the whole thing down would be sooooo booooring. I’ll just let you imagine that part, which I bet you can probably do, considering you’re a diary.
Wait, there’s something else I forgot to mention. Since I’m, y’know, a princess, I have wings and a horn and I am super powerful and all that jazz. But my magic is on the fritz right now (I’ve been sick) and my wings are broken (long story, involved a tree), so as of now, I am a simple Earth pony. :(. LAME. I KNOW. But at least I can still do my little hobby.
Well, I guess I should get to that topic. Stick with me, because I’m not really sure I understand this thing myself.
So one day, a couple years after I had left Ponyville, I had been living in the town of Appleloosa. It’s a nice little town, kinda boring, but all my Ponyville friends had already left to get on with their lives. In Appleloosa, I met a kind stallion named Braeburn; I’m sure you’ve heard of him. The murder report must have been on the headline of every newspaper in Equestria. But whatever, Braeburn and I became instant friends. I liked him, he liked me, it was great.
So one day I’m walking along with Braeburn, right? And out of NOWHERE, I see my mom! I had always thought that she had died way back when I was a filly, but it doesn’t matter. As I ran over to hug her, she stopped me. Her eyes were these little black coal thingies, glowing green. It was kinda weird, but I didn’t really care. The only problem was, I couldn’t hug my mom because she had this neat-o little ring of fire all around her. She’s not a unicorn, so I’m not really sure how she did that, but I’ve learned to ignore the little things like that.
Mom kept telling me that “Braeburn was unclean” and that “I had to clean the world of the disease” and all this junk that I thought was stupid. I mean, “disease”? Come on, what is this, a soap opera? Puh-LEEZ. Really Mom, I’m a grown pegasus, I think I can handle myself. Seriously woman. I haven’t needed you since I fell off that cloud when I was just a little filly in Cloudsdale.
So naturally, I ignored her. But get this: later that same day, Dad comes up to me and says the same thing! So I was super happy to see him too, since I had thought he died in the same explosion. But he also had the glowing eyes and the fire thingie. I didn’t hug him, but started bouncing up and down. Braeburn, on the other hand, gave me a sideways glance before walking in the other direction.
Dad was also saying stuff about how Braeburn wasn’t a clean pony, that he was just a dirty old earth pony. I kept telling him that Braeburn was cool and nice and better than most Earth ponies (I mean, they’re not ALL that bad!), but he wasn’t really listening. Come to think of it, it was more of a one-sided chant than a real conversation.
After a while, I started listening to what Dad was actually saying. I guess it made sense that Earth ponies were unclean; I mean, Earth is actually in their name. And who really needs them anyway. Ever since I was a little filly in Manehattan, I was told that I was better. I wasn’t actually smarter than other ponies, I was just a unicorn, so naturally, I was better.
It finally dawned on me that Dad and Mom were right. Earth ponies were just so....dirty. I shuddered at what primitive thoughts must run through their unenlightened heads.
Deciding to get down to business, I rummaged around through the house to find something that would reliably kill Braeburn. I found three spools of thread (red, blue, and purple), thirteen buttons, five buckets of paint (pink, green, yellow, magenta{it’s not pink!} and maroon), and a kitchen knife. I’m not stupid, so I took the kitchen knife. Duh. No brainer.
So yeah, I purged the world of the sin that was Braeburn. Do I regret it? Nah, I did a good thing! Earth ponies are dirty, and they don’t even deserve to live. Psh, life is so stupid. If you’re a dirt pony.
Okay, now that we’re all caught up, I wanna tell you ALL about what happened yesterday! :):) WAIT!!!!!! You don’t know about what happened after Braeburn! Let’s see...I’ll just write it all down real fast. I also freed us from Bon-bon, Vinyl Scratch, Octavia and that stupid Lyra Heartstrings.
Why do I free ponyville ponies first, you might ask. Well, there are a lot of Dirty ponies in the world. And I mean a LOT. So I decided I needed a system. Ponyville seemed the easiest way to just get everyone there first, before trying to branch out.
But anyway! Yesterday, I managed to mark off the next target! Big Macintosh? More like....um.....y’know, puns are a lot harder than I thought.
But I got him!!! It was at night. So I came in the evening and it was awesome and I was like a ninja and it was awesome and it was so much fun. I hid behind his sad little shed and waiting for him not to look, then hid inside. You’d really think someone would look around their house before bed, even if it only is one room.
So I was under his bed, right? Waiting for him to come inside. And he comes inside, and he’s all like “Well, I guess there’s nobody here” and I’m all like “Yes there is!” and he’s all “Ohhh nooo” and I start laughing and I purge us from him.
It. Was. AWESOME.
Though, since I’m such an awesome pony, it really wasn’t that impressive, but it was really really REALLY fun.
Okay, now on the serious topic :( my sister, Princess Luna is looking for me :(:( I don’t even know why she would do that, when all I’m doing is helping her out with a pest infestation. As an alicorn, she of all people should know that. (By the way Diary, I just sighed there, except you can’t see it). Maybe one day she’ll realize that all I ever do is help her out, get rid of a few problems, and how does she repay me? She tries to hunt me down?!? Capture me!?? Well I can show HER a few things about murderer! Maybe SHE would like a taste of blood? WHAT ABOUT THAT LUNA?? WHAT ABOUT THAT?!?
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5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Okay, I’m fine again. Ever since I stopped taking the fully looking little circle-pills, I sometimes get a little cranky. It’s nothing to be worried about though; it’s not like it really matters. I’m fine.
So Diary....I kinda have a teensy-weensy little secret. It’s nothing bad...just that.....I....uh...nothing. I don’t think I can even write it down yet. It’s been too soon. So, on a topic change, I love the weather outside! All the little birdies and squirrels and--
What’s that, Diary? You couldn’t give a flying buck about the weather? I really thought that you were my friend diary! You can’t just go around being rude and annoying to your friends. You obviously have much to learn about the magic of friendship. I sighed again, even though you still didn’t hear it. Writing in you is definitely going to be a learning experience for the both of us.
P.S. I said that with optimism!
P.P.S. The sentence above was all sarcasm, stupid!
P.S.P.S. You’re not actually stupid, that was mean. I’m sorry.
P.S.P.S.S. Bye for real.
P.S.P.S.P.S. For real this time. See ya, pal.
Your brand new best friend,
Princess Pinkamena Pie III ( Get it? I’m the third because there are three P’s! :D )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hunched over the daunting stack of papers, Luna rubbed her eyes again, as the room swayed in and out of focus. As Princess of the Night, she should be invigorated at this hour, but the sheer volume of work to be done left her empty of any energy; sleep would be welcomed at any time. Blinking hard, Luna reached over to take another swig of high-caffeine coffee. Even princess could use a little boost every now and again.
Rifling through the stack of papers, the deep blue mare continued her lengthy search for any information that could shed even the smallest amount of light on the ever-growing search for Case #304, or the “Earth Pony Assassin Case”, as the other workponies preferred to call it. As Luna searched, she felt her eyes grow heavy as she blankly stared at page after page of obituaries, photos, and newspaper reports. Just as Luna was close to defeat and preparing to give in to the call of the royal bedchambers, a peculiar headline caught her attention, peeking out from the edge of the stack.
“EARTH PONY MURDERER: MANIAC OR GENIUS?” stared out from the pile of papers, urging Luna to reach over and read the tabloid which had so thoroughly captured her attention. While “The Equestrian Inquirer” wasn’t always the most reliable news source, she might as well see what the big fuss was in the article. With that thought in mind, Luna casually flipped to the page which contained the cover photo.
Luna chucked to herself softly as she stared at the “featured article”. Why, the entire article was no more than a crudely composed paragraph, looking like something a little filly in second grade would write; it astonished Luna that such a magazine could actually remain published for longer than one issue. However, the princess got a more solemn expression on her face as she began reading the actual information the article contained.
Hinting on insanity, the author of this article, a Mr. Thundercloud, had written a rant on Earth ponies, effectively explaining the murderer’s likely morals. As Luna continued reading, she could hardly believe her eyes; here was a perfectly sane gentleman, agreeing and supporting an insane terrorist! Breathing in and out deeply, Luna closed her eyes as she sat back down in her chair, not even realizing that she had been standing while rereading the article.
Once she had calmed down, Luna relooked over the article again, barely containing her rage as the feeling of anger once again swept over her entire body. Who did this stallion think he was? Condemning all Earth ponies, loyal subjects of Equestria, who have done nothing against him nor anyone?
Clenching her eyes shut, Luna walked around the room in circles, attempting to cool off her burning head. After some time had passed, and the princess having finished her third set of counting down from 100, she decided to once again attempt to read the now-dreaded article. Once Luna had picked up the paper, before reading she decided to read this story with an open mind, and not judge what this Mr. Thundercloud had to say.
Luna began to feel confused as she reached the third sentence of the article, only to realize that she had never gotten this far before; her anger had caused her to restrain herself. Once she had gotten into it, Luna realized that there really was some valuable information buried within the article, possibly about the motives of the murderer, and where they might strike next.
What Luna had failed to notice was the near silent creaking of an opened door, and the soft but sure hoofsteps of someone with the mission of staying invisible. Oblivious to the intruder, Luna pored over the article, reading and rereading sentences to hopefully gain as much knowledge as possible, ignoring the growing feeling that something just wasn’t right. The dark shadow of a pony crept up behind the princess, who had finally begun to smile at finding her first real lead on the case. One frying pan later, there was only one conscious pony left in the room.
As the intruder stuffed Luna’s investigative materials into her saddlebag, it whispered “I’m sorry, old friend. Things were not supposed to be like this.” Once all tangible evidence and information regarding the string of murders had been gathered, the silent intruder vanished, as quickly as it had come, leaving only an empty desk and an unconscious princess in her wake.