It's strange how different things can become. As I sat there with Queen Scarlet I still found myself in a state of slight disbelief. As the sweet taste in my mouth faded I found myself drifting back to the image in the water. The tall, thin form reflecting in the pool's surface was mine, not another not-me from my visions, but a shape that was undoubtedly my own. I felt a sort of hollow churning in my upper thorax; it was slightly nauseating in a distressing way. Reality sank in; I realized that I'd never be the same again. I'd never return to a sleeping comb, hover about with Ebony, or fly about to the feeding grounds.
I'd never be a worker again.
My head drooped as a dull coolness wafted through me. It wasn't the maddened frenzy of my second metamorphic vision, but the feeling was similar. I remembered when my sister workers—or perhaps former sisters now—had talked about the casualties from fighting with the Eastern Swarm. There was a loss inside, a hollowness that formed near my heart. Perhaps this dismal sensation was more akin to that, or perhaps they were one in the same.
Adding to it, my longer limbs were as unsteady as when I'd emerged from my cocoon and moved with an awkward twitch as I tried to keep them in line.
“This won't do,” I thought, trying to put the hollowness down. “I wonder if...”
I fluttered my wings a few times. They were heavier and less responsive, as if I'd gotten them covered in wax. My coordination had vanished along with my old body; one flap at a time my wings fell in and out of sync with one another. I listed from side to side as they faltered about on my back. As I nearly tipped over I stopped, folding the transparent membranes flat against my sides.
Still no good...
I noticed a glint of red turn toward me out of the side of my eye. I lifted my head and looked over. My hemolymph slowed; Queen Scarlet had been watching me this whole time. Her head tilted slightly, a blank expression soon plastered itself over her face. She leaned forward a bit as she looked at me, her gaze lacking the calm radiance I'd come to know. In its place was a sort of scrutiny, an analytical stare that lacked any of the warmth I'd seen before.
“Don't let me stop you,” she said. “Keep trying.”
I looked away, and down at myself again. The emptiness started to slowly seep deeper into me.
My legs are shaking, my wings are off balance... What was left?
“My aura!” I thought, my head perking up.
I let my aura flow into my horn. Just as it had many times before I focused on my body's mystical energies. A green haze built up inside. It pulsed slightly as it built, and after a few seconds I noticed the edges of my mouth turn up into a small grin. My unsettled insides began to quiet themselves. I relaxed in my aura's glow, the last bit of my old self.
“Now try letting it out,” Queen Scarlet spoke, eying the glow around my horn.
“But, why?” I asked.
“Just try it,” Lady Scarlet insisted.
I focused again, pinching the aura's bubble at my horn's tip. I tried to relax a bit, remembering the few times I'd actually let my aura loose.
“I've done this before,” I thought.
I've done this before...
I closed off the bubble's end and let the energy quickly wane, but as the glow left me it immediately became different. I'd expected only a green flash of light, but this was... so much more. My horn stung and burned inside slightly, the power much greater than it had ever been before. A burning stream of arcane energy raced away from me, burying itself in an adjacent wall. Rocks fell from the hole I'd torn in the stone, a loud splashing accompanying their rumble as they cascaded into the pool below.
I sat there as my horn cooled, my muscles tensing and relaxing as the heat subsided. A sort of coldness and hotness went through me at the same time, making me eager to flee and yet wanting to stay. Seeing that kind of power brought back my want to run and hide; it was akin to how the drones had swarmed me before my metamorphosis. It burnt inside, and made me twitch, but something else also managed to rise up from within. It was an energy of sorts, a feeling that I could do anything. It made me remember when I'd seen the Hive from above, only instead of awe and wonder there was control and potential. But as much as I wanted that feeling to stay, a part of me desperately wanted it gone.
“What is this?” I thought aloud.
I shivered slightly. My senses were slightly heightened, and a small pain, a throbbing, formed in the back of my head. It wasn't intense, but it was uncomfortable all the same.
I let my eyes wander around, trying to chase the discomfort away from my thoughts. I noticed a change in my matron as my vision glanced over her. Gone was that blankness on her face; her usual grin was back.
“Follow me,” Lady Scarlet said. “There's much to do.”
“Already?” I asked, pushing the feelings down. “Scarlet, uh... your Highness... there are still things I want to know.”
The unpleasant hole inside me grew a bit. With a sort of energetic step, Queen Scarlet made her way towards the center of the room, looking back at me as she went. Something about her was disturbing to me; her slightly excited demeanor didn't help my sensations diminish any. As she approached the room's center, the strange burning inside—the same one from my visions—began to build up inside, dripping into the hollowness. I felt as though I were suddenly much less than her as I watched her confidently and briskly make her way to the middle of the towering open room.
“All in good time, I promise,” my matron eventually replied.
The burning kept going inside. Steadily the dull heat built up as I watched my Queen effortlessly flit about. Carefully, I managed to stand, my limbs trembling slightly as I put my weight on them. Trying to balance myself was as if I was standing on immensely long poles. Each step made me feel as if I'd fall from a great height.
“Come on now,” Lady Scarlet said. “You wouldn't want me to leave without you, would you?”
Another twinge...
The void in me began to fill with the hot sensation.
“Is she trying to provoke me?” I thought, my uneven movements getting faster.
I managed to stumble my way over to her side, Queen Scarlet seeming anxious to fly. I looked at her with a sort of glare. I didn't know why, but I became a bit frenzied by her movements; her almost care-free demeanor was abrasive on my mind as I floundered about.
“Follow me,” my Queen said as she rose into the air.
Her voice had a sly sharpness to it. It was calm, but held a slight, subtle bit of aggressiveness. It reminded me of the Queens from my visions, that disinterested assertion, and the deep burning inside I'd went through, and was going through again.
“Why?” I thought, feeling my eyes moisten slightly. “Why are doing this to me?”
My wings twitched. I let the translucent layers slide sideways and down. They began to flap and buzz, sending me slightly sideways and backward as I tried to gain control over them.
I rose up, only to fall again as I struggled with my new wings. Buzzing, vibrating noises echoed around the room as I hit the ground again and again. I became sore, my body slightly bruised from the falls, the burning inside getting worse. I didn't understand why this was happening; I felt lowly and weak without my flight, and yet my matron seemed unaware, or perhaps even energized by it.
I looked up to see Lady Scarlet merely watching from above, her front limbs crossed.
“Come on now,” she said.
“Stop it...” I growled to myself.
My wings began to beat furiously. I shot upward, propelled by wind and a frenzy from deep within me. Queen Scarlet smirked and darted away, daring me further forward with each flap of her crimson wings.
My abdomen started to hurt inside. The buzzing of my wings slowed, and I struggled to right myself as I began to dip and turn sideways in the current of air billowing from beneath me. Queen Scarlet just looked down at me from above, her excited grin diminished into the same blank stare from before.
A sharp pain, like I'd been stabbed, made me look away; I'd flown into the rocky walls around us. I fell for a moment, the burning inside cooling into a shiver. My eyes watered, and made me want to escape again. Time was slower as I plummeted toward the ground below. I remembered how the drones had crowded me, and the look Lady Scarlet held in my visions. The stone-encrusted walls around me seemed to also close in around me as I spiraled downward.
“Enough...” I sobbed. “Enough!”
I spread my wings wide. I slowed as the air from beneath began hitting me in waves. My insides lurched, but it all was soon quelled as I entered into a gentle, spiraling glide. As my fall slowed, I relaxed my breathing and dried my eyes. My body was sore and tired, like I really had been lit on fire, and I wanted to crawl into a sleeping comb. The burning inside flowed mostly away—the pit empty once again—although behind the exhaustion it still singed like dying embers.
I was tired in more than one way; a worn sensation lingered inside as I slowly neared the ground. It was heavy and jagged on my mind, scraping along the sides of my thoughts as I had against the vertical tunnel's walls. It kept taking me back to Queen Scarlet's taunts, as if to rekindle the burning.
“I need... I...” I muttered as I neared the ground.
I wanted to relax and stop for a while. I had a new body, new sensations, and I had no idea how to use either of them. I wanted to let it stop for some time, to relax, to let the burning cool and the pit fill in, but what I said surprised me.
I need to catch her.
My words startled me. I didn't know why I'd reacted to my Queen's behavior like this, nor why I was so focused on it, but right then I felt a sort of determination, a deep wish to catch her that mixed and mingled with a frenzied aggression.
I let my breathing rise as my wings slowly began to flap and flutter again. They were heavier and ached where they met my back, but I managed to get them to move, first in gentle twitches, then in slow flaps. My spiraling flight shook and listed slightly as my wings moved—still out of time with one another—and after a few moments began to buzz again. I noticed the rocks around me cease to move, and the wind around me slowed to a gentle breeze. The air beneath my wings was moving again; I was hovering.
I began to pace myself, my wings still drifting in and out of pace with one another. Slowly, as they flapped, the membranes on my back began to move into more a pattern.
“One... Two... One... Two...” I thought, pacing my wing beats.
The rocks around me began to shrink away, and as I looked upward I noticed Queen Scarlet seeming to inch closer to me. A grin instinctively spread over my face as my eyes sharpened into a glare of my own. The soreness went to the back of my mind as I began to climb faster and faster. Physically it hurt, but inside there was a beat of sorts, a rhythm that came from deep within.
“Well well,” my matron called, her voice warbling slightly. “Now come on!”
Enough... Enough...
It was like the fire was pushing its way into my mouth with each word my matron spoke. Her words made me feel weak again even though I'd managed to get my flight back.
“Doesn't she notice that I'm flying again?” I thought, a growl echoing through my head. “Doesn't she notice?!”
“Well?” Queen Scarlet said.
“En—“ I started to say.
My eyes went wide and my mouth clamped shut as I shook briefly. Even after the visions, after the emotions, I still couldn't believe I'd almost done that. I almost shouted an order at my Queen.
“What am I thinking?!” I thought, feeling my flight slow.
I nearly shouted at her, nearly demanded something of my Queen. Despite my heated heart a sharp chill pierced the back of my neck. It was wrong, very wrong, and like a worm writhing in a pile of dead fungus, the cold began to creep along the back of my head.
Is this feeling, this hot inside, really worth it? I don't even understand these sensations, and I'm suddenly letting them control me?
I stopped, slowing to a hover. The stinging heat inside changed, becoming diluted and heavy as the creeping, icy sensation became numb. I thought of how I used to act as a worker, calm, efficient, obedient, and without these reactions—emotions—corroding my mind. I wanted to find a way out, to make this stop.
“Chrysalis!” Queen Scarlet called.
I looked up, seeing my matron even farther away than before.
“You still have questions, yes?” she said. “Well then, I suggest you keep up! It's the only way you'll ever find out!”
I found my throat somewhat dry as I listened to the Queen's words. Through the burn and the chill I managed to let some thoughts flow through.
I'll catch up to her
My wings began to beat faster.
And when I do, she'll tell me what I need to know
I swallowed, breathed, and let my wings resume their pattern.
I will catch her!
I raced steadily higher, the air beginning to grow fast and strong around me. Queen Scarlet darted away, her red form disappearing into the shadowy tube above.
The vertical tunnel grew cold and dark. About the only warmth I had left was the tiredness, the soreness in my abdomen. It hurt; I needed to find a spot to rest, hopefully after I'd caught up with Queen Scarlet. My breath grew heavy, and echoed in the cylindrical chasm around me. It made me realize something, just how quiet it was.
The only sounds left were the buzzing of my wings, the drip of water off the rocks, and a moan coming from the faint breeze that sank down from the shaft's top. The echoes grew as the rocks became more hard and packed together, the buzzing of my wings becoming a wash of sound that surrounded me. I don't think that I'd ever felt sound before. It vibrated and made me shake inside, almost as if mere noises had suddenly become a physical force running through me.
The echoes swirled around me, and matched the rhythm of my wings. They flowed and bent around the rocks and into my ears, making me drift slightly as I flew. It brought my mind back to the Hive—how it looked from above—and the time Queen Scarlet had spoken to me before my metamorphosis. The sounds drifted and flowed, working together as they flew around each other like Changelings in flight. I thought my matron had used a word for it; beauty.
“Just like her lullaby,” I thought.
I wanted to learn about the echoes, an inquisitiveness of sorts. The sounds were strange, and I couldn't quite describe the surreal sensation as I let the voices of the darkened shaft reverberate through me. It wasn't long before this desire started to slip away, burning inside to blame. The soreness crashed through me again. It singed around my joints, and made me sluggish and heavy, but it didn't matter; I had to catch up to Queen Scarlet.
Catch her.
“Catch... Her...” I said, repeating my thoughts.
I let myself repeat the phrase as I continue to ascend. My throat burned, my exhaustion creeping further into me like hot tar. I noticed my wings shake irregularly, fluttering out of time again, but I kept up the rhythm of my voice.
Catch... Her... Catch... Her...
The cool air around me began to speed up slightly. I didn't understand at first; I wasn't ascending any faster. The sounds around me began to echo faster and lighter, their intensity diminishing. It finally came together in my mind as I saw a light form ahead of me; I was near the tunnel's mouth.
The downdraft from the opening pushed against my wings, forcing me back down. My body ached badly. I started to slow as the grinding, grating heat inside latched on to my joints. A twinge of panic began to grow in my mind; for a moment I imagined myself being swallowed by an enormous beast, the tunnel its mouth, the wind its breath. I struggled against the breeze, my body stiffening under the pressure and pain. I began to ascend once more, the light from above enveloping me as I climbed. With a quick gust of wind I began to move faster; I was out of the tunnel.
It was loud at first. After the tunnel ended and the Hive began, My ears pulsed as the air around me began to whistle and howl. Without the pressure of the air sinking down on me I few upward faster than I'd ever gone before; even the times I'd fallen seemed slow in comparison. I panicked; I'd never flown this fast before, not as Queen nor worker. I slowed my tired wings, hoping to slow myself. My heart pounded; In a matter of seconds I had neared my home's rocky ceiling.
My eyes slammed shut and my wings folded backwards, and I waited for the hard grip of the rocks above.
“Chrysalis,” a voice echoed, “open your wings. You can't catch me if you're not going to fly.”
Scarlet...
My wings may as well have been on fire as I flung them wide open, the hot pain in me rising as the wind fell away. I slowly opened my eyes, my hemolymph pulsing in my head. My snout was less than a hoof's length from the rock, the distance—to my relief—increasing as I began to glide down.
A small wind current turned me over, my wings carrying me down in a steady descent. I was truly exhausted; my body and mind burnt and ached from the hard flight up. If I hadn't know better, I could have been a living coal fresh from a fire. Through my tired eyes I saw the light of the Hive below, Changelings darting about in all directions as the glowing fungal growths along the walls lit up my towering home. It reminded me of the first flight I'd made to the top of the Hive.
“It really is beautiful,” I said, my voice dry and gravely.
I let my eyes drift shut slightly as a darkened disk just below me blotted out the light from the lower levels; I was approaching my matron's home once more.
I was still quite sore and tired, my muscles swollen and stiff. My eyes seemed seared shut. It hurt, but I held in the pain, and managed to open them again.
A familiar stone, circular room surrounded me. Odd objects sat on shelves, colorful images hung from the walls, and the dull orange shape of the brass, oil-drinking light hung in its usual place. There was a smooth material below me. Sure enough, Queen Scarlet's flexible cushion was in its proper place too. The soft seat hugged my body gently as I slowly shifted about.
“Silk, but not our silk,” I reminded myself, staving off the thought of resting on a larva's wrappings.
“Good that you remember that.”
My head rose slightly. Not more than two leg's lengths away was Queen Scarlet, resting quietly on a second seat. She was relaxed and looked rested and serene. Her expression held her usual calm and gentle look, her eyes partly closed and her mouth turned slightly up.
“I'd hate to see you become ill after managing to get up this far,” she said.
My surprise started to sour; the heat began to build up inside again. Pain went through me as the fire in my abdomen grew, a fire inside to match my scorched, aching body. I moved around as my worn muscles tightening again. I heard the cushion fold with a dull crunching noise while I dragged myself forward, inching closing to Queen Scarlet.
“Why?” I hissed. “Why did you do... all of that?!”
“Chrysalis,” she whispered.
“What for? What was it all for?!”
A growl worked its way into my voice. My mouth hung slightly open, my fangs bared. My breathing became heavy and hot as if the flames in my mind and abdomen were a real fire working its way through me. My pain seemed like it was ready to turn me into a living inferno.
“Anger, doubt, pain,” Lady Scarlet murmured, “and I think you've learned hints of a few other things too.”
“I don't care about those words! I don't care about these reactions! Why did you do those things?! Why?!”
My voice immediately left me, the fire in my throat snuffed out. A cool shiver made its way through me as Queen Scarlet wrapped her front limbs around me. She was warm, not like this heat billowing inside me, but in a comforting way, a soothing way. Her body heat began to melt its way through my chitin, slightly soothing the muscle below.
“Chrysalis,” I heard her say, “you don't enjoy this, do you?”
I felt my eyes water.
“No,” I breathed.
“What you've been feeling is another emotion, a very powerful one, and from what I've seen you've encountered its many forms as well,” my matron said. “Tell me, how did it progress? How did you react?”
“I... I became like this when you watched me try to use my aura. It got worse as I saw you moved so quickly and energetically when I couldn't,” I said. “I felt so much weaker than you. It frenzied me. I started feeling hot inside, like I was on fire, and I wanted to catch you and... and...”
My vision blurred as tears filled my eyes. My breathing became pulsed, and my voice reduced itself to short whimpers and cries.
“I don't know what was wrong with me,” I sobbed. “What Changeling wishes to harm her own Queen?”
“Chrysalis,” Queen Scarlet spoke, holding me tighter, “it's alright. I harbor no anger of my own towards you. How could I ask you, another Queen, to not feel?”
Her limb gently stroked my back. My tears lessened, and the pain in my abdomen began to fade as my breathing returned to normal.
“I—” I began.
“No, Chrysalis, I'm sincere about this; it's okay,” my matron interrupted, her voice shuddering as mine had. “I should be sorry. I acted that way with purpose, I admit. I wanted to give you a drive to escape the Hive's depths. I wanted you to grown and learn from it, to discover your emotions, to experience them. I see now that I pushed you a little farther than I had intended. Chrysalis, I'm so sorry...”
It was like the world had paused as Queen Scarlet spoke to me. I became confused inside, the remains of the heat inside clashed with my thoughts.
“I... I...” I started. “I want it to stop...”
“Hm?” my queen asked, her voice returning to normal.
“How do I stop it?” I asked. “How do I put out this burning inside?”
“I know a way,” Lady Scarlet spoke. “Imagine your anger as fire that has almost completely surrounded you. It's hot and scary, I know, but remember; fire is quenched by water, so to escape it you need to act as water does.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Let your mind flow to where you want to be,” Queen Scarlet replied. “Try it. Visualize it.”
I closed my eyes, bringing to mind the few times I'd ever seen a burning flame.
“Do you see it now?”
I nodded.
“Good,” my Queen said, “now let your body become as a river, imagine calmness as your goal, and let yourself drift towards it.”
I did as she asked. Within my thoughts I pictured being surrounded by flames with only a narrow pathway out. I let myself become the water of a stream. In my mind, my chitin became clear and transparent, my whole form taking on a light, shimmering blue color. I thought of a clearing, a calm area just on the other side of the hole in the wall of seething fire. The inferno circled around me, but I remembered my matron's words. I relaxed myself, pushing away the influence the burning had over my mind. My mental self melted into a stream, my body becoming a current of water, and as my matron said, I flowed, cascading over the flames and reducing them to smoldering coals. It was like the visions I'd had before, only for once it was refreshing.
My eyes opened, returning me to the real world around me. My breathing was slower, more relaxed, and the fire inside had, finally, gone out. I sat there for some time, relaxing in Queen Scarlet's embrace. I was exhausted—my joints and muscles still singed and scraped against each other—and had a mind full of questions, but the burning—that intense heated frenzy inside—had finally been quelled.
“It feels better, doesn't it?” my matron finally spoke.
I didn't say anything. I only nodded slightly and gently wrapped one of my own front limbs around her.
“You'll find that works on more than just anger,” Queen Scarlet said.
“Anger...” I spoke.
“Yes, anger. It's what you experienced on your way here, and what you managed to defeat just now,” Lady Scarlet replied. “It's a frenzy inside mixed with that fire you just put out. It has different faces—jealousy, rage, and hate—but at its core it a consuming fire that drives you to exact vengeance on something you perceive as hurtful.
“When I took off, and you viewed yourself as weaker than me, you began to feel jealousy; you wanted to fly as you always had. You wanted to use your aura as you had been able to do before. When I taunted you, you began to drift into a mix of hate and rage, culminating in that fire you found inside yourself. You wanted to catch me, to find out why I was doing those things to you... and to get back at me for it.”
“N-no,” I quickly said. “I couldn't... I couldn't hurt you.”
“Whether you realize it or not, a part of you wanted to,” my Queen said. “That's what happens when anger progresses too far.”
“What can I do,” I asked, “to keep the anger away? I don't want to hurt you.”
“Chrysalis,” my matron spoke as she let go of me, looking me straight in the eye with her calming gaze, “I know that. Despite the impulse of anger, I know you wouldn't want to hurt me. Anger is another emotion, and despite its destructiveness, it isn't all bad. Remember how it drove you, how it kept you going?”
My expression relaxed a bit.
“I see you do,” Queen Scarlet said through her grin. “It's good that you remember that. In times of danger, anger can fuel you and give you renewed determination. The trick is to not let your anger consume you.”
“To let myself... flow?” I asked.
“Exactly,” she replied.
A pain went through my back, a reminder of my exhaustion.
Queen Scarlet motioned towards her seat. We both sat down on her silken cushions, my matron helping me slide back to where I was resting before. It would be a little while, she mentioned, before my muscles had rejuvenated themselves, and I was all too eager to rest until they had.
“Queen Scarlet?” I quietly said.
“Yes?”
“Could you... do what you did before? Those rhythmic words, I mean.”
“Ah,” she spoke, “a lullaby. Of course, Chrysalis.”
I relaxed as heard the melodic sounds drift into my ears. I remembered the way the sounds reverberated around me in the tunnel. It wasn't intense and palpable, but the pattern of noises and words still brought rather pleasant feelings as they danced their way in and out of my ears and mind.
I felt my eyes get heavy, sleep just around the corner, but before I began to drift away into my slumber, I noticed something strange as my matron finished her tune.
“Take a rest, Chrysalis,” Queen Scarlet's voice echoed.
I heard her voice...
“There will be much more to come after you wake.”
But... her mouth was closed...
“How did she do that?” I thought. “How does one talk... without talking?”
Queen Scarlet's eyes widened slightly. She turned to me, my matron's stare a mix of calm and inquisitiveness.
“Did she... hear me?” I thought, feeling a bit uncomfortable inside. “Queen Scarlet, can you hear what I'm thinking?”
“Well aren't you a clever little one...” Lady Scarlet's voice echoed, her expression shifting into a grin. “I didn't think you'd come this far for some time yet.”
This wasn't her voice... These were my matron's thoughts!
“Lady Scarlet,” I thought, “what is this? How are we speaking... without actually saying anything?”
My Queen's smile widened.
“It's something I imagine you'll find very useful in the future, and is yet another thing we Queens poses.”
“What... what is it?” I asked, my curiosity trying to hold off my sleep.
“It's called mind-sharing.”