Guy Talk
Sour Apples and Loose Fillies
Episode 10
“I’m Snails.”
“I’m Vinyl Scratch and this is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated by them for the sake of entertainment. I’m back in the booth today with the post date interview. Hey, what’s wrong, Snails? You look kind of down.”
“I guess I just feel kind of left out. Snips got to go on a date with a cute filly, and Spike got to go on a date with…. a filly. I didn’t get to go out with anyone.” He sighed.
“Aww, I’m really sorry about that. I’d have love to included you, but there wasn’t enough money for a third couple.”
“It’s okay, Scratch. I understand.” Snails said hanging his head in defeat.
“Hey, don’t be like that, big guy! How about I take you to Sugarcube Corner after the show, compliments of me? What do you say?” Vinyl Scratch offered.
“You mean like a date?” Snails said nearly jumping out of his seat.
“As friends, Snails. You know I’m in a relationship already.”
“I know I say it a lot, but you’re really awesome… and nice. I just wanted to let you that I really appreciate what you said last time.” Snails said blushing and squirming in his chair.
“You mean about you having potential? I was just sticking up for you. I’d do it for any of my friends.” Vinyl Scratch said stressing the last word.
“Yeah, you’re so great.” Snails said staring at her like some lovesick puppy.
“Oookay, why don’t we just bring out our couples? Come on in!” Vinyl Scratch said changing the subject.
As the two groups walked in, it was clear that things had changed significantly since the last time they were on the show. Snips walked in with Lucy, but he didn’t seem all too happy about it. Lucy, on the other hoof, couldn’t seem to stop smiling as she stuck as close to him as possible, occasionally nuzzling her head against his. Spike and Apple Bloom walked in, but it was quite obvious that they weren’t on speaking terms as they refused to look at the other. They sat next to each other but not before moving their chairs apart.
“Wow! Anyone care to explain what happened last night?” The mare asked examining both groups. Lucy wasted no time getting the first word.
“I think I’m in love!” She said hugging Snips who didn’t seem to share her enthusiasm as he sat there being shaken by the smiling filly.
“So you and Snips are together now? What happened between you and Spike?” Snails asked.
“Hmph! Snips, unlike a certain dragon I won’t mention, knows how to treat a lady. That‘s why he‘s my little magic teddy bear. Who‘s my sexy magic teddy bear?” She said cuddling him.
“I am.” Snips said with zero enthusiasm.
“What about you and Apple Bloom? You guys seemed pretty friendly the last time we saw you. What happened?” Scratch said turning her attention to them.
“Spike is being unreasonable!” Apple Bloom exclaimed sticking her tongue out at the dragon.
“I’m unreasonable! She’s the unreasonable one!” Spike said pointing at her.
“I can’t believe you don’t get it. You’re impossible!” She said turning away from him and crossing her forelegs. Vinyl Scratch looked around the room and realized that she’d need the whole picture if she was going to find out how things got to where they are.
“I think we should start from the beginning. Anyone care to tell what happened when you met at the restaurant?”
“I’ll tell you but I need a little space.” Snips said looking at the filly who seemed to be magnetically attracted to him. She seemed to get the hint as she reluctantly released her hold on him.
“I made it to the restaurant and saw Apple Bloom waiting while Spike was trying his best to keep Lucy at bay. I put a few moves on Apple Bloom myself.” Snips said proudly.
“Moves?” Snails said confused.
“He basically started telling a bunch of dirty jokes and getting way too close to Apple Bloom.” Spike explained.
“See! He was like this all night, I swear. He spent more time telling Snips to lay off than paying attention to me. At least Snips was trying to be entertaining, Spike avoided me like the plague.” Lucy pointed out.
“If you didn’t spend every single second trying to put your hoof between my legs or stick your tongue down my throat, I might’ve had the opportunity.” Spike argued. Vinyl Scratch could see the tension starting to escalate between the two and decided to keep the story moving along.
“So what happened next?” Spike took over this time.
“We enter this restaurant, and it’s pretty fancy. It’s like a café straight out of Canterlot. Crystal chandeliers, silk table cloths, and expensive gleaming silverware were everywhere. I was glad the meal was paid for because I don’t think I could pay for it if I had the horde of two dragons.”
“I’m glad you liked Chez Ponyville rich environment and welcoming atmosphere. Chez Ponyville features world class chefs who specialize in making every meal a magical experience. If you want to enjoy the finer tastes of life, head down to Chez Ponyville where good class and good taste are one in the same.” Vinyl Scratch interjected to shock of everyone around her.
“Umm… what was that?” Spike asked.
“Chez Ponyville isn’t cheap. In exchange for a huge discount, I offered to cut a promo on the show. Just go with it!” She said.
“She’s so smart.” Snails sighed dreamily.
“Whatever! Anyway we get seated right away by this fancy waiter. I even managed to work out things out with Lucy.” Spike said.
“We agreed that I could hold his claw until dinner was over. I still thought he was being kind of stingy but it was something. I‘d say things were going great until Snips mentioned wanting to do the same thing with Apple Bloom. He spends most of his time glaring at Snips like he insulted him or something until the food arrived.”
“How’d you feel about the date, Apple Bloom?” Scratch asked.
“I was enjoying myself. I mean I could have done with a few less dirty jokes, but I could tell he was trying to be entertaining for my sake.”
“So you were actually trying to give Snips a chance?” Vinyl Scratch asked.
“I know he wasn’t my first choice, but I decided to try and give it a shot.”
“So how was dinner with Snips?”
“It was okay, but it would have been much better if Snips hadn’t been telling so many naughty jokes during the meal.”
“I thought he was hilarious. I especially like the one about the mare from Nantucket and the carrot. I actually appreciated Snips‘ sense of humor. I can respect a guy who can joke about sex, unlike a certain uptight dragon.”
“Hey, I was making conversation!” Spike said defending himself.
“You also spent most of your time staring at Apple Bloom.” She accused him.
“No, I wasn’t. It‘s all in your head!” Spike said explaining away skepticism.
“How do you explain what happened at the spa, huh?” Lucy crossed her arms.
“You’re the one who left me!” Spike shouted.
“What are you talking about? You left me for her first!”
“Whoa! Let’s take a step back and tell me what happened at the spa.” Scratch said cooling things down between the heated former couple.
“So we go to the spa, right? These twins with some kind of weird accent tell us that each couple will be in separate rooms and Mr. Jealous over here flips out.”
“I didn’t flip out. I was just wondering why we had to be in separate rooms.”
“Maybe because it was a couple massage lesson. You know for two people who are supposed to be focused on each other!”
“All I’m saying is couples do things together, Lucy. We should have been in the same room together so I could supervi… I mean learn together.” Spike said correcting himself as everyone looked at him.
“So Spike was jealous. What happened next?” Scratch asked.
“I was not… Aww, just forget it!” Spike said crossing his arms and pouting.
“Anyway, Spike and me get to our room and it is perfect. A dark candlelit room, scented candles, and a cart filled with all sorts of special massage oils sitting next to a table. I figure this is my best shot at getting between his legs… or so I thought.”
“What happened?” Snails asked.
“I got him on the table and Ally telling me how to massage his back.”
“You mean Aloe.” Spike corrected her.
“Whatever! So I’m rubbing Spike’s back and I lean in real close. I ask Lois to leave so we can get some privacy.”
“Aloe.” Spike said.
“So she leaves!” Lucy said through gritted teeth. “ And I’m start grinding myself against those green scales on Spike’s back.”
“Wait a second! You said that was a special massage tool!” Spike said shocked by this newfound information.
“I wasn’t lying and you seem to enjoy yourself at the time. What’d you say? ‘I ought to get me one of those’ and I offered to let you borrow mine.” Lucy giggled.
“Aww, sick! I should have known something was up when I felt your fur.” Spike said rubbing his spine.
“It’s not like it mattered. I was about to make my move when we heard this loud high pitched scream from the next room. Spike jumps up and nearly knocks me to the floor. I tell him if he leaves we’re through. He just looks at me and says I‘m sorry before darting off.”
“Who was in the next room?” Snails asked.
“Guess who?” She said nodding in Apple Bloom’s direction.
“Yeah, we haven’t heard what happened during your session. Either of you care to enlighten us?” Scratch asked. Snips and Applebloom looked at each other before turning red. Their reaction only intensified Scratch’s curiosity.
“It’s… complicated. Apple Bloom was laying on the table and I was giving her a massage just like Lotus Blossom was telling me. I’d never really gotten that close to a filly before. Her mane smelled so good, and her fur felt great beneath my hooves. It was so warm and soft. I couldn’t control myself.” Snips sighed.
“Oooh, let me guess! You tried to force yourself on her, but she screamed and alerted Spike who bravely rushed in to stop you!” Vinyl Scratch hypothesized. She imagined Snips as some villain driven mad by his own lust and temptation as he stood over the innocent damsel, Apple Bloom. Cue Spike bursting in with his chest puffed out in a figure that was more cute than heroic but heroic nonetheless.
“What are you talking about?” Spike asked looking at Vinyl Scratch as if she was talking about the existence of humans.
“I mean it would explain the scream, right?”
“Actually, that was me.” Snips admitted sheepishly.
“But why would you scream if you were about to ravish Apple Bloom?” Scratch asked disappointed that the truth didn’t match her version.
“He didn’t try to ravish me, Scratch. He poked me and I got scared.” Applebloom admitted reluctantly.
“Poked you?” Scratch said confused.
“Yeah, I got an erection… and I accidentally hit the nub of Apple Bloom’s tail with it.” Snips confessed.
“Why the scream then?” Scratch asked.
“Applejack told me that if he tried anything funny that I was supposed to kick him as hard as I could. I got scared when I felt something that wasn’t hooves touching me so I reacted. I knew he wasn’t trying anything immediately after. No way he would have tried something like that with Lotus Blossom standing right there.”
“But why would Snips scream in a high pitched…. Oh!” Scratch said realizing where Apple Bloom’s kick needed to land to produce such a sound.
“Yep! By the time I got there, Snips was on the floor and Apple Bloom was apologizing.”
“Are you alright, Snips?” Scratch asked. Lucy grabbed Snips in another embrace.
“Don’t worry about it. I followed Spike into the room and found my sexy little teddy bear on the floor. I took him home and tended to his injury all night.” She said rubbing her cheeks against his. Snails just sighed.
“Wow, Snips! Way to go! How does it feel to finally turn in your v card?” Scratch asked.
“It was… great, I guess.” Snips said rubbing the back of his mane.
“What’s wrong, Snipsy? You’ve been sulking ever since this morning.” Lucy said with a worried look. Snips sighed as he looked her in the eyes.
“Lucy, these past few days have been the best time of my life, but I feel like you‘ve changed since we got together. I mean that thing where you put your back hooves behind your neck was something I‘ll never forget.”
“B-but I thought we were getting along so well. You’re the first time I ever felt a real connection to somepony. What happened?” She asked desperately.
“At first, it was about the sex, but all of a sudden, you started talking about your emotions and stuff. I mean it kind of kills the sex when you bring emotion into it. I just think it‘s better if we-” Snips was interrupted as Lucy slapped him across the face.
“Oh, Celestia! You‘re the worst pony I ever slept with. I… I actually felt something for you and you don‘t even care.” She said as she started to cry.
“Aww, that‘s not true. You see I cared about the sex till you ruined by being all touchy feely. I don‘t see how you‘re not getting that.”
“I bared my soul to you when I nursed you back to health. I told you my hopes and dreams. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?” She asked desperately.
“Of course, it does. I’ll tell you what. How about you stop doing all that stuff and we just fool around? It’ll be just like old times.” Snips offered to the tearful filly who just stared at him with a look of confusion and hatred before donning most curious smile.
“You know what, Snips? That sounds great. How about we celebrate our new relationship with a kiss?” She said wiping her eyes.
“A kiss? I guess that‘s okay.” Snips said a little disappointed. He was hoping for something a little more imaginative and erotic than a kiss.
“Close your eyes and get ready for a big surprise.” She giggled.
“I’m ready for my surprise!” Snips said closing his eyes and puckering up. The sight of the colt with his lips outstretched was enough to make her wonder what she ever saw in him.
“Here you go!” Lucy said as she wound up and smashed him in the side of his face with her hoof. The blow caused Snips to fly out of his chair and land hard on the floor. Lucy shook her hoof as she stood up and walked away. She turned and look at the pathetic colt who was still out of it from the vicious blow.
“By the way, he’s terrible in the sack!” She shouted before she opened and slammed the door. Everyone looked to the colt who was pretty much unconscious lying on the floor. After a few seconds of silence, Scratch decided to get things back on track while Snips regained consciousness.
“Okay, so what happened between you and Apple Bloom?” Scratch said turning her attention to Spike.
“After Lucy and Snips left, I decided to walk Apple Bloom home. It was pretty nice at first. We just talked about how crazy everything that happened up until then was. Eventually, we started to talk about… kissing.” Spike blushed and Apple Bloom followed suit as well.
“What about kissing?” Snails asked.
“I guess I might have brought up the fact that Spike never really kissed anyone. He’s been kissed three times and he never really had a choice in the matter. I figure a real kiss should be a mutual thing.” Apple Bloom revealed.
“So what happened next?” Scratch asked.
“Nothing really. We just walked home without talking for awhile.” Apple Bloom told them.
“Spike.” Scratch said looking at him with a mix of disappointment and anger.
“What? I was thinking about it, okay? Besides, something else happened after the silence. Keep going, Apple Bloom.”
“Well, we got to my house and said our goodbyes, but before I could turn around, Spike grabs my hoof and asks me if I want to kiss for real.” Apple Bloom admitted.
“Way to go, Spike! So how was it?” The mare cheered the dragon.
“Scratch?” Spike said.
“Did it last long?”
“Scratch?”
“Did things get a little hot?”
“We didn’t kiss.” Spike said.
“Was there… huh?” Scratch said looking at him incredulously.
“There was no kiss. Apple Bloom complicated things.” Spike said making Apple Bloom snort.
“I complicated things! I just told you some, dumb family myth and you freak out.”
“I don’t see how us being cursed to get married is stupid.”
“Whoa! Don’t tell me you popped the question, Applebloom?” Scratch asked.
“No, it’s nothing like that. I just said that almost everypony in my family ends up marrying their first love. Granny Smith told me that almost every member of our family eventually ends up marrying the first pony they fell in love with. Spike freaked out and got scared because of it.”
“I’m sorry if you’re okay with this, but the fact that I’m destined to walk down the aisle is a little bit scary. I’d have prefer you’d kept that secret until after we were married.”
“It’s just some old family coincidence, Spike, but if you don’t want to be with me because of it, I understand.” Apple Bloom sighed as she looked down.
“Listen, it’s not… I mean… I don’t want to let this come between us.” Spike admitted. “If it means marriage someday, I guess I’ll just risk it.” He said lifting her chin.
“You really mean it?” Apple Bloom asked. Spike immediately leaned forward and kissed Apple Bloom square on the lips. The gesture was surprising but the filly was more than happy to accept it. As they were kissing, Snips started to come to.
“Uhh… Where’s Lucy? And why does my face hurt?” He said looking around and rubbing his sore cheek.
“She left, Snips. Something about wanting to go back to Manehattan.” Scratch said bending the truth.
“Oh, I guess it’s for the best. She was starting to cramp my style anyway. Did she tell you how great a lover I am?” Snips bragged as he wearily dragged himself into his chair.
“She might have mentioned something about that.” Scratch told him.
“Guys, I have an announcement to make. Scratch and I are going on a date.” Snails said proudly.
“No way!” Snips said.
“Really?” Spike and Apple Bloom said looking at her.
“Snails! It’s not a date. I told him I’d take him out for ice cream after the show because you guys got to go on dates.” She explained.
“She’s so kind.” Snails said lazily looking at her.
“Oh, I see what’s happening!” Apple Bloom said.
“Yeah, me too.” Snips said putting his hoof to his face.
“What’s going on?” Spike asked.
“I’m lost too. Care to explain?” Scratch wondered.
“He did the same thing with Cheerilee once, Scratch.” Apple Bloom told her.
“You see that dopey expression he’s got. Well, dopier than usual. I’m also betting he just compliments when you try to explain otherwise. It’s obvious what’s going on. You were too nice to him and now he‘s deluded himself into thinking you‘re in some sort of relationship.” Snips said taking stock of the situation.
“That’s exactly it! What do I do?” Scratch was happy that Snips had seen this kind of thing before.
“You got to let him down hard. No matter how sad it makes him or how depressed he gets. You can’t leave any room for doubt.” Snips informed her.
“I have to break his heart.” Scratch said looking at the lovesick colt. He was so busy staring at her that the conversation went entirely over his head.
“You broke up with guys before? What’s the big deal?” Snips cited.
“This isn’t some jerk who asked me to stick my horn up his butt for kicks. It’s Snails. He’s just a big, lovable goof who got the wrong idea.”
“She’s so understanding.” Snails sighed.
“Unless you want to put up with that for the rest of your life, I suggest you try.” Snips pointed to the colt who wasn’t going to have a change of heart on his own. She knew this wouldn’t stop unless she put her hoof down. She just didn’t want to put her hoof down on his heart.
“Snails, we need to talk.” The mare said looking at him.
“Your voice is so-”
“Please stop, Snails! I like you as a friend. I don’t want that kind of relationship with you.”
“Your mane is so beautiful.”
“Too nice! Be meaner!” Snips whispered.
“I do not like you, Snails! We’re friends and that’s all we’ll ever be.” Scratch adopted a firmer, more serious tone.
“Huh? I don’t understand, Scratch. Did I do something wrong?” Snails started to look like a puppy who had just been kicked.
“Keep going! It‘s for the best!” Scratch took a deep breath as Snips encouraged her.
“I didn’t ask you out because I liked you! I… felt sorry for you, but you got the wrong idea. I’m sorry.” Scratch watched as the life seem to go out of Snails completely. He looked like he was on the verge of tears as he started to realize the truth.
“Oh… umm.. I just remembered I got to go do something!” Snails said getting up and escaping.
“Snails, I’m sorry!” Scratch shouted to him but he was already gone.
“He’ll be okay, Scratch. He just needs time.” Snips’ words didn’t make her feel any better.
“I guess. We still have some time. Let’s take a call. Go ahead, caller.” Scratch said.
“This is a courtesy call from Ponyville Hospital for one, Spike. It concerns the patient he submitted to our care a few days ago. Is he there?” Spike and Apple Bloom looked at each other as they knew this concerned a filly who was obsessed with him.
“Yes, I’m here.” Spike answered nervously.
“There was an incident with Miss Phoenix. She injured a doctor and escaped our custody. We’ve informed her family, but we thought we’d let you know considering your relationship.”
“Relationship? No, we were just friends.” Spike corrected her.
“She was quite explicit on that particular subject. She insisted you were her fiancé. I‘ll make a note of it and add it to her file. If she makes contact with you or you spot her, let us know immediately. She‘s volatile and prone to behavior that could harm others.”
“Yes, I will. Thank you for the warning.” Spike sighed.
“Have a nice day, sir.” The representative said ending the call.
“Well, that’s great.” Spike put his face in his palms and sighed. Ashley was on the loose and she’d no doubt come for him. How would she react about the fact that he basically had her committed? Would she approach him in public or bide her time till he was alone? He only knew she would come for him and the fact that he was dating Apple Bloom would not sit well with her.
“Spike? Why does Ashley think you’re getting married to her?” Apple Bloom looked at Spike with suspicious eyes. Spike just laughed it off and looked away.
“Heh, heh… Who knows? I think it’s time to end the show here. I’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened to this. This is Guy Talk signing off.”