“Ah, how good it feels...the hoof of an old friend.” — Mary Englebright
After the magic show, a few days passed without any major events. I divided my time between telling Twilight more about Earth (she had compiled every bit of information that I provided into a fairly dense book and kept revising it as needed), helping out various ponies with their everyday activities, and inventing new things. I guess that it's not really inventing if the things already existed on another planet or in another universe or whatever the case was, but it was all new to the Equestrians, so close enough. There weren't any patent laws around to stop me.
The biggest new innovation was the steam engine. It was the crudest thing imaginable, half because the various pieces weren't quite the right size and half because I had never made a freaking steam engine before, but it worked about fifty percent of the time and hadn't killed anypony yet. I let the ponies worry about improving the design and actually using it. I dropped a few hints about how the engine could be used to power boats, carriages, and trains, but decided to let them figure most of it out on their own.
Now, let me remind you of what I wrote in the very first part of my story; that some kind of evil foe arose to threaten Equestria and they needed someone to stop it. Remember that? And how we established beyond any kind of doubt that I am the sexiest, studliest, most awesome guy alive? Good, because I'm gonna tell you all about that now. The evil thing, I mean.
Let's pick up on the final day of summer, just after the sun began to make its descent towards the western horizon. It was the last day before Princess Luna's Autumn Festival, and I'd spent the entire morning with Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight putting together a new machine. It wasn't a very useful thing, but I'd always wanted to make one.
I wiped a few beads of sweat off my forehead and poured the last of the sandbags into the wooden box. After I packed the sand down, I gave a thumbs up to Applejack. The orange pony heaved against the ropes that tied her to the mechanism, digging her muscular legs into the ground to move against the massive weight. After a moment, the thick wooden beam tilted and the box was lifted into the air.
I slipped a long metal pin into a hole and held up a hand to tell Applejack to stop pulling. I untied the rope that held her back and replaced it with a shorter length that had a wooden handle attached to it. It just so happened to be the same handle that I'd used to wakeboard during our day at the lake.
“This can't be safe,” Twilight said critically, always the skeptic.
“I never said it was,” I replied as I took a swig of tea that tasted like...I'm really not sure what it was supposed to taste like. I'm pretty certain that they hadn't purposefully made a Sweaty Monkey Ballsack flavor, but that's what came to mind. It wasn't the best taste that I'd come across. (Before you ask how I knew what sweaty monkey ballsacks taste like, you should try out their special Shut the Fuck Up-flavored tea. I hear it's really refreshing.)
“Alright, let's try this out already,” Rainbow Dash impatiently rubbed her hooves together and picked up the handle.
I took a second to make sure that everything was where it was supposed to be and nopony was in a position to get hurt if something went wrong. Things like my latest creation had a tendency to have something go wrong.
“Ready?”
Rainbow nodded and grinned impishly. “Let 'er rip!”
I grabbed the iron rod and yanked it out of the hole. Immediately the lever tilted, sending the sand-filled weight box towards the ground as the end with the handle (and Rainbow Dash) was sent rocketing upward.
The entire mechanism jumped slightly as Rainbow let go and let the momentum take her even higher into the sky. Soon she was doing her usual flying routine, albeit a little faster than normal.
Neither of the other ponies spoke until Rainbow landed again with an unimpressed shrug. “Meh. It helped, but not a whole lot. Do we need more weight?”
I squinted at the trebuchet and scratched my beard while I thought. “Maybe. Or we could make the firing arm shorter and move the sandbox further from the axis. We could even—”
“Hey, what's that?” Rainbow pointed over my shoulder.
I whipped around, but didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Well, there was one cloud in the distance that looked like a giant penis, but even Equestria got one of those every so often. So no, nothing too unusual.
“I don't see it,” I said and took another swallow of Sweaty Monkey Ballsack tea (it may have tasted horrible, but it was still as addicting as the other flavors).
There was a groan of wood and a quick metallic ping behind me, and I started to turn back around. Before I could move my head, however, something grabbed me around the neck and pulled me to the ground.
I dropped the bottle of tea and started to fight back against my attacker, but it was just Rainbow Dash holding me down. She flapped her wings and started to drag me backwards.
“What are you doing?” I asked, slightly annoyed and pretty confused. Applejack snorted somewhere off to my left.
Rainbow just grinned, shook her head, and slapped something into my hand. It was the wooden handle to the trebuchet.
I suddenly realized that the whole mechanism had been reset while I'd been looking the other way.
“Oh fuck no,” I tried to let go, but my hand had a purple glow around it and my fingers didn't respond. Yes, Twilight's horn was glowing too. And she was smiling devilishly while Applejack nudged her shoulder.
“Et tu, Brute?” I asked and gave her my saddest, most tragic look. No, she didn't get it. She didn't have time to, because at that moment Applejack bit down on the metal pin and pulled it out of its hole.
I summarized my entire thought process on the situation into a single word as I was launched into the air: “FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—” If I'd actually had a second or two to think about it, I might have used “Team Rocket blasting off again!” instead, but you only have so much time to come up with that sort of thing.
Anyway, the trebuchet worked perfectly and shot me screeching about three hundred feet in the air. I'm pretty sure that it was physically impossible to reach that height with the weight that we had, but you can't argue with results. Magic probably had something to do with it. Or maybe my engineering skills were just that good.
As you can probably imagine, I was a little upset that my friends had tricked me. But I was even more upset by the fact that I was suddenly three hundred feet above the ground and at the mercy of gravity. That was a bit of a problem.
There's two reasons why people will sometimes choose to jump off of stuff to commit suicide instead of, say, poisoning themselves. First: the resulting adrenaline rush gives them a quick high before they crash into the ground. Second: once you start falling, there's no way to back out. There is nobody to turn to for help and nothing that you can do to stop yourself.
And, since I couldn't stop myself, I started to fall. I happen to be very afraid of falling, so I started screaming bloody murder. It was something along the lines of “HOLY FUCK JESUS BALLS SHIT MOTHER CHRIST BALLS FUCK SHIT BITCH BALLS” and so on. In case you somehow haven't noticed, I tend to swear a lot.
My foul-mouthed tirade was cut off by a certain blue pegasus who flew out of nowhere and caught me by the legs about fifty feet from the ground. She was laughing her ass off.
“You shoulda seen the look on your face!” she chortled as she set me down next to that damn trebuchet. Applejack was rolling around on her back and held her stomach as she guffawed. Twilight was trying (and failing) to keep her giggles back.
“Not funny,” I muttered as I hit the ground. “Not even a little bit.” My limbs were all shaking and my face was burning, but I had somehow managed to not piss myself.
“Oh come on,” Rainbow slapped her knee and wiped a tear of mirth away. “That was hilarious and you know it!”
“I know where you live,” I growled. That was an empty threat and we both knew it, since I couldn't do anything to her home without the help of another pegasus. That's one perk about living in a cloud-house.
Applejack finished her laugh with a loud pig-like snort and rolled to her hooves. “Aw shucks, we got ya good! Ain't never seen a human fly b'fore!”
“I'll bet you ain't never seen a human—”
“Twilight!” Spike called from a ways off. He was running toward us as fast as his stubby dragon legs would carry him. He was breathing hard and clutched a scrap of paper in his hand.
“What is it?” Twilight asked, her expression sobering up. We all stopped with the laughing and sulking and refocused our attention. I kept planning my revenge, but this looked more urgent.
Spike held out the paper and leaned up against the nearest apple tree to catch his breath. “Letter...Princess Celestia...important...” he said between gasps.
Twilight levitated the note and began to read. “'My dearest, most faithful student Twilight Sparkle, it is with with great distress that I am writing to you. I have received news that a great calamity has arisen in the form of a shadow dragon, which has attacked Bitsburg and even now threatens Fillydelphia.' Oh, this is serious.”
“Shadow dragon?” Applejack cut in. “Ain't never heard o' that b'fore.”
Twilight's eyes blurred as she read through the rest of the letter. “The Princess is in Stalliongrad right now, so she it'll take her at least a day to return. She wants us to do something to stop the dragon before then.”
“Sounds like we'd better get the others,” Rainbow said. “Then we'll head out and kick that thing's ass so hard it chokes on its own tail!” A bloodthirsty spark glinted in her eyes.
“I thought you're supposed to use diplomacy to deal with this kind of thing,” I pointed out, thinking about the episode of the show where they had persuaded a red dragon to take a nap somewhere else. We were dealing with just another one, right?
Twilight dropped the letter into her saddlebag and shook her head. “That's not an option this time. I've read about shadow dragons once or twice, and they never listen to anypony. They also never stop destroying things until either they're killed or there's nothing left to break.
“Anyway, we should get the other three caught up and head out soon. Rainbow Dash, you go get Fluttershy. Applejack, find Pinkie Pie. I think she said she was going to make deliveries to Melilot and Lucky, so you might want to check with them if she's not at Sugar Cube Corner. Jesse and I will go to Rarity's. Meet us at the library as soon as possible.”
With that, the other two sped off in opposite directions. Twilight set the still-puffing Spike on her back before galloping back towards the village. We left the trebuchet where it was on the outskirts of Sweet Apple Acres—we had all learned a lesson about practicing new stunts where Rainbow could crash into a building.
Twilight was running slower than usual so that I could keep up. “Any clue how we're gonna stop that thing?” I asked as we hurried toward Ponyville.
She shook her head. “Not really. I was actually hoping that you might have a few ideas, with Earth having so many wars and all.”
I wracked my brain. “Well, I have read a bit about dragon slaying. It's all fairy tales and legends back home, but maybe some of it will apply here.”
“That's better than nothing,” Twilight muttered as we entered the town.
A few things had changed in Ponyville since my arrival. For one thing, the ponies had stopped spying on me and instead offered friendly waves as we ran past. A few even called out salutations before turning back to their own business. It felt good to be accepted as a fellow resident of the little village instead of being seen as a mysterious stranger. It made me feel like I was back in my California hometown, to be perfectly honest.
Another new development had been a sudden demand for playing cards, which had caused a couple of new businesses to spring up practically overnight. Everywhere you looked, there were groups of ponies playing Blackjack, Go Fish, War, and some odd variation of poker that they had come up with on their own. They also had a few games of dice, checkers, and chess, all of which had been introduced by me over the previous days. It was satisfying to see that I'd brought something so worthwhile and harmless to Equestria.
At least until they figure out how to cheat or set up casinos, I thought wryly. But what were the odds of that happening?
By this point we reached the Carousel Boutique and hurried inside. The place was a mess, with scraps of cloth and ribbons strewn around with no rhyme or reason. Stray spools of thread and needles were scattered dangerously all over the floor.
Rarity had her back to us and was working on her Festival dress again, making a few final adjustments. She was also singing softly to herself as she placed a sapphire at the neck. “Piece by piece, snip by snip. Croup dock haunch, shoulders hip.”
“Rarity, we have a situation,” Twilight said loudly.
Rarity turned around and pulled off her red glasses. “What's going on? Is everypony alright? Did Sweetie Belle get stuck in Matte's printing press again?”
“Huh? No, everypony's fine. We'll explain at the library.”
Without another word, Rarity magically moved the mannequin off to the side and cleared a path through the debris on the floor. She paused only to grab a shady hat before following us to the hollow tree.
* * * * *
Once all of the ponies had gathered at the library, Twilight again explained the situation and everything that the letter told us. Nopony spoke up until she was done.
“So, the Princess wants us to either drive off or kill this 'shadow dragon'?” Rarity asked once we were all on the same page. “How are we supposed to do that?”
“Good question,” said Twilight. “Since Jesse knows more about fighting than we do, I think it'd be best if he's in charge when it comes to that.”
This caught me off guard. “Me? You really think so? Like I said, I don't have any experience and I'm not an expert on this kind of thing.”
“Yer not an expert in anythin' ya've been doin' an' makin' here, but it all works fine,” Applejack pointed out. “That fancy liftin' contraption o' yers has made work a mite easier at the farm. An' the other thing you put together this mornin' worked jus' fine.”
“I'm certain that you will be more than capable of leading us to victory,” Rarity chimed in. “You managed to defeat the Diamond Dogs easily enough.”
“Yeah,” Pinkie added with her perpetual smile. “I bet you'll do great! What are we doing, anyway?”
Rainbow Dash facehoofed. “Shadow dragon. Fillydelphia. Kill it. Jesse's in charge.”
“Oh, right,” Pinkie didn't seem put off at all and kept grinning.
Fluttershy didn't have anything to say other than a nervous squeak.
Twilight cleared her throat impatiently. “Okay, then. If that's settled, let's move on and find out more about what we're going up against. Did you find that book, Spike?”
“Yeah, but there's a bunch of pages missing,” the tiny purple dragon said. He was holding a thick red tome with the words “Beasts of Darkness” scrawled on the cover in glossy black letters.
Twilight levitated the book out of Spike's grip and flipped through the pages. “Sagaries, sandwalkers...seps...shades...Aha! Here it is:
“'Shadow dragons are rare, violent creatures made almost entirely of darkness. They shun most forms of light, though they do not fear it. Any sign of life will draw their wrath and they will attack on sight. Despite being intelligent and able to learn, these beasts refuse to negotiate and will fight to the death. They are able to use powerful destructive magic, but prefer to kill and destroy with their own teeth and claws when possible.'”
“Not polite fellas, huh?” Applejack interrupted with a humorless laugh. The room felt a little colder.
Twilight continued reading. “'Unlike most creatures, a shadow dragon only exists as an extension of an enchanted object. They usually have a prominently glowing gem that...' It cuts off right there. The next few pages are gone and it goes straight to strixes.”
“I thought that you would have all of your books properly maintained,” Rarity objected.
“It's a rare book,” Twilight explained “There are only a few copies around, and we never got around to borrowing another one so that we could get ours repaired.”
“Well, at least we learned a few things,” I said and scratched my goatee. “Don't bother talking to it, watch out for its magic, destroy the glowing gem. Sounds simple enough.”
“Umm, I-I don't know if I should go,” Fluttershy quietly spoke for the first time. She was visibly shaking. “You don't r-really n-need me, do you?”
“Of course we do, silly!” Pinkie said louder than necessary and hugged the yellow pegasus. “Remember when you told that meanie dragon on the mountain to take a hike? Remember how you didn't think you could help that time?”
“Oh. Okay,” she shook even more than before.
“Don't worry yourself, Fluttershy,” Rarity put her hoof on my arm. “With Jesse at the lead, we'll soon be rid of that horrible creature. Isn't that right?” She batted her eyelashes at me.
“Uh, sure,” I said uncomfortably. Christ, she's trying to make a move on me. Not good.
Spike suspiciously narrowed his eyes at the two of us, then his entire body spasmed with a sudden “urk!”, followed by a belch of green fire that formed into a letter. Unlike the usual notes, the seal on this one was silver and had a “L” stamped into it.
“A letter from Princess Luna?” Twilight thought out loud for all of us.
Spike opened the letter and cleared his throat. “'To the ponies of the Elements of Harmony and our visitor from Earth,'”—his voice became cold and unfriendly for those words—“'As my sister has no doubt informed you, there has been an attack by a shadow dragon and another will soon occur. I volunteered to take care of the creature myself, but Celestia has forbidden me from doing so.' That's a little weird, but okay. 'Instead, I will provide whatever indirect aid I can. I have already dispatched a chariot from Canterlot that will bring the Elements of Harmony to you and then take you north to Fillydelphia. Also, as Jesse does not have an Element, our finest smiths have created a pair of tools that he should find most useful in this battle. Signed, Princess Luna.'”
“Well, that's mighty neighborly o' her,” Applejack said when Spike had finished reading. “Sounds like we don' have much time, though.”
Pinkie Pie clopped her hooves together. “Oh, a chariot ride! It's so exciting! I'd better go pack some snacks for the trip!” She was gone in a flash of pink before anyone could even figure out what she'd said.
“Why don't we wait outside for the chariot to show up?” Twilight suggested as she floated Beasts of Darkness onto a shelf. The other ponies agreed and we stepped out the door into the sunshine.
“Hold up, ah'm a-comin'!” a high-pitched voice called after us.
“Apple Bloom? What in tarnation are ya doin' here?” Applejack demanded of her sister, who trotted out of the library. The filly had a colander on her head and baking sheets draped over her back to make the worst set of armor I've ever seen.
Scootaloo poked her pot-covered head out the door. “We heard about the dragon, and we're gonna help you take it down.” She hit one hoof into the other menacingly.
Sweetie Belle dropped out of the second-story window and crashed to the ground. “Ow! Dumb gravity! We're going to be Cutie Mark Crusader Dragon Slayers,” she said with a pained smile. The little wooden lance that she was holding had snapped in half from the fall.
“You most certainly are not!” Rarity said firmly. “Now clean yourself up and go home. This is far too dangerous for any of you fillies.”
“But sis—”
“No buts, and that's final.”
“Spike,” Twilight said, “You should stay here and keep an eye on these three. Look after them until we get back and don't let them follow us.”
“Awww,” the Cutie Mark Crusaders whined in unison. Spike looked both relieved and sullen at the same time.
“Hey, they're finally here,” Rainbow Dash pointed at the sky where a team of golden-armored pegasus stallions of the Celestial Guard were pulling a large golden chariot. A few moments later they carefully landed in front of the library. A few ponies were looking in our direction, but they kept their distance.
The lead horse detached himself from the harness and walked up to our group. His coat was dark brown and he had a curly mustache growing from his lip. Whereas the other armored horses had blue manes and tails, his were bright crimson. His eyes scanned us for a moment before he spoke.
“Miss Sparkle and company, I presume,” he said gruffly. “I'm Lieutenant Thunder. I trust that you've received Princess Luna's note and understand where we are taking you.”
Twilight nodded. “We'll be ready to leave just as soon a—”
“I'm baaaack!” Pinkie sang as she came into view. Her saddlebags were bulging with sweets and there were crumbs all around her mouth. Apparently she was incapable of waiting to even get inside the chariot before digging into the snacks.
“Well, we're ready then.”
The stallion nodded but exchanged an odd look with the other pegasi. “Very good. If I may ask, which of you is in charge of this venture?”
“That's me, I guess,” I stepped forward.
The stallions looked me over from the oxfords to the beard. They didn't seem overly impressed with what they saw, but were smart enough to keep their thoughts to themselves.
The pegasus leader coughed quietly. “Alright. How much military experience do you have?”
I blinked and my mouth suddenly felt dry. “None, actually.”
The stallions looked at each other again. Are you fucking kidding me? they didn't have to say aloud.
“But that doesn't mean that he is not knowledgeable about such things,” Rarity rushed to my defense. “He's been more than capable of handling stressful situations, and this will be no exception. I have no doubt at all that he will have that monster's head hanging in Princess Celestia's dining hall by tomorrow!”
“Thanks, Rarity.” A small amount of my confidence came back. Not a lot, but it was a start.
Thunder shrugged under his armor. “If you say so. Before we head off, Princess Luna wanted us to give you these.” He opened the back of the chariot and pulled out a wide wooden crate. He stepped back and gestured with his head that I should open it.
I pulled off the box's lid and was nearly blinded by the reflected sunlight. It was a small silver kite shield. The polished metal had a black crescent moon and a few bronze stars emblazoned on the front. I lifted it out of the crate—it was much lighter than it looked.
Under the shield was a long sword that was also silver and sheathed in a smooth black scabbard. The pommel was adorned with a polished metal star whose facets caught the light and reflected it in every direction like a disco ball.
“Oooh, shiny,” Pinkie muttered.
“Princess Luna commissioned these for you and enchanted them herself,” Thunder said as I examined the weapon. “She wanted me to tell you that the shield will reflect most magical attacks, but you should be careful that you don't make them hit any of these mares instead. She also said that you should trust in it, whatever that means. The sword will allow you to strike the killing blow if it comes in contact with the shadow dragon's weak spot.” He leaned forward and narrowed his eyes at me. “You do know how to find it, right?”
“Yes, we found a book that explained everything,” Twilight answered for me.
Hit the glowing spot for critical damage, I thought to myself. Any gamer knows that.
“Good. The Princess mentioned that after the beast is slain the sword's magic will fade and it will become just a normal weapon. I'm not sure if that's going to be important or not, but you might want to know.”
I pulled the sword a few inches out of its scabbard. The glinting blade pulsed with a pale blue light of its own that was both soothing and slightly frightening to look at.
“That's awesome,” Rainbow Dash said from where she was hovering above my head.
“It's nice,” Fluttershy agreed. She seemed a little more sure of herself than before.
“Perhaps we should get moving, sir,” a white pegasus stallion suggested from where he was still harnessed to the chariot.
“Yes,” Thunder agreed. “We'll give the rest of you the Elements of Harmony when we arrive in Fillydelphia. All aboard, ponies and, uh....” He cocked his head to the side as he looked at me again. “If you're going to lead this op, you need a rank. You look like a captain to me, so let's go with that.”
“Captain Jesse,” Rarity repeated softly as she stepped carefully into the chariot. “I like the sound of that.”
“Me too,” I admitted as I strapped the scabbard to my belt and hung the shield on my back with a strap that was included in the box for just that purpose. Ding! Achievement Unlocked: Get Promoted.
“Get comfortable, everypony,” the stallion leader said through his mustache as we began settle down onto the cushioned seats. “It'll be about two hours before we land.”
“A whole two hours?” Rainbow asked in annoyance as she flopped herself down one of the padded benches. “I could be there and back again in half that time!”
Twilight's eyes suddenly went wide as she got an idea. “Hey, Captain,” she giggled at my new title. “Remember what you said about how humans entertain themselves on long trips?”
“You mean the radio? Did somepony invent a portable one while I wasn't looking?” The only radio set that I'd seen in Ponyville was a big clunky machine in the Town Hall basement that worked with primitive vacuum tubes, diodes, and a few special enchantments. It was used primarily for receiving instructions for the weather patrol and emergency communications. The ponies had never thought to use it for music or talk shows because of how difficult it was to use, how few of the machines existed, and how expense they were to make.
Twilight shook her head. “No, but I came across a new spell the other day that will allow somepony—or somehuman, probably—to broadcast their thoughts out loud. The book's author mentioned that he used it once to let his friends know what song he had stuck in his head. So if you think of some music, we can all hear it.”
“All of my thoughts? I've got plenty that you don't want to hear.” I meant it as a joke, but I did have quite a few things in my head that I didn't want them to know. For one thing, Rarity might get a bit upset if she found out that I didn't reciprocate her feelings.
“Well, I can modify it so it only lets whatever thoughts you want to get out, uh, get out.”
I shrugged. “Okay, why not? Let's give it a shot.”
Rainbow was suddenly interested. “Do you have any really awesome bands on Earth? I like rock n' roll, do you guys listen to that?”
I felt a smile come onto my lips at her eagerness, despite the threat of a dragon at our destination. Sometimes the small things can overcome big issues. “I've got a song in mind that I bet you'll love. It's by a band called Rainbow, actually.”
Rainbow put her hooves to her face and gave a quiet but high-pitched “Eeee!” that was nearly as adorable as Fluttershy's squeaks. Boom, instant fangirl.
As Twilight worked the spell (in case you're wondering, I actually didn't feel a thing as my skin glowed), the chariot started moving and took off into the air, leaving behind the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Spike, who were all sulking. At least we wouldn't have to worry about them anymore.
I thought hard and the air was filled with the sound of Ritchie Blackmore pumping out chords and dead notes, Bobby Rondinelli pounding his drums, and Joe Lynn Turner singing. As we left Ponyville behind, the residents were left scratching their heads and trying to figure out just what the words meant.
Ohhhhh, so strong
Got the Power when I turn it on.
Yeah, I'm gonna get my fill
Nothin's gonna stop me now and nothin' ever will.
I got the Power!
And now for a short message from our sponsors!
Hey there, fillies! Billy Neighs here, and I'm gonna tell you all about the REVOLUTIONARY NEW PRODUCT that is GUARANTEED to change your life!
Has your coltfriend been distant and aloof lately? Not as attentive as he used to be during your private time together? Is his willpower not as strong as before? What better way to show him how unaffected you are by this RUDE behavior than by using your (or his!) savings to BUY our device?
Introducing the brand-new (no, it's certainly not obsolete technology dressed up to just LOOK brand-new!) Colt 1911! Based on the design of the human weapon of the same name, this GROUNDBREAKING product is a personal massager that has eighteen vibrating settings! EIGHTEEN! Available in TWELVE DESIGNER COLORS! TWELVE! And it's certainly not meant for only ONE part of your body!
Show that colt that you have a Colt, and make sure to mention that it's a BETTER CALIBER than he'll ever be! The Colt 1911 has improved the lives of literally dozens of SATISFIED CUSTOMERS! Check out THESE personal testimonies:
“My coltfriend couldn't keep up with me! Is enough energy to last six hours too much to ask for? I guess I'm just too much mare for him. Thanks to the Colt 1911, I've moved on and never felt better!” — Destiny Starlight (age 22)
“This thingy is great! It keeps me entertained while I wait for a real stallion to come into my stable! Hey, you look like a nice young colt...” — Sugar Spice (age 98)
“Wait, is that what it's supposed to be used for? And it's for mares? Guess I've been doing it wrong.” — Jimbo Jumbo (age 24)
The Colt 1911 is available for just twelve easy payments of $14.99. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! If you order BEFORE MIDNIGHT, we'll throw in a copy of That's Not All That Horns Are Good For, written by BESTSELLING AUTHOR Dr. Gentry Dolhooves (of course his credentials are legit!). Read all about his EXOTIC ESCAPADES with VARIOUS RENOWNED UNICORNS from across Equestria! It's all yours when you order the Colt 1911 for twelve easy payments of $14.99! (plus $12.98 shipping and handling)
Why settle for being UNSATISFIED with your coltfriend ever again? Call 1-772-257-4501 and ORDER NOW!
To be continued...