For Want of a Better World

by Lunafan1k

Chapter 3: Regret

Sunlight beamed into the large bedchamber, causing two figures to stir amongst the crimson bed sheets. Jeff opened his eyes, the sudden pain of staring into the sun forcing him further awake. He groaned and ran his hand through his short brown hair as he sat up and looked around. Judging by the angle of the sun and the fact he loathed getting out of bed, he figured that it was early morning. Very early morning. He looked back at the sleeping figure of Fang, wrapped in a cocoon of blankets with a random leg protruding up into the air. Jeff shook his head as he stood and began searching the side rooms for an area to wash up in.

All the doors were beautifully decorated, yet unlabeled in any way. He shrugged and opened the closest door. Inside was a mess. Clothing and papers layered the floor among dirty dishware, as though they were forced into hiding in just a few seconds. Jeff couldn’t help but grin, Someone has a few secrets… he thought as he read a passage of text on a bit of parchment. He raised an eyebrow at the rather questionable content, secrets indeed. He tossed the scroll back into the mess and closed the door, wondering what he would stumble upon behind door number two.

The next door beheld his goal – a large porcelain bathroom. The resemblance to human society was irritating, but what was he to do? Force an entire world to change when they were living in comfort? No, that wasn’t like him. But he may casually remark on things from time to time for a laugh.

He washed his face in the sink with some nice cold water, and as he was drying off something in the mirror caught his eye. He turned around to face a tub that was large enough to be considered a small pool. Around the edges sat a an abundant number of bottles and several baskets of fresh flowers. He cautiously lifted a bottle to his nose. The scent was captivating. It was some of the most frou-frou shampoo he had ever come across. He set it down and made his way back to the bed chamber to see Fang still passed out in bed. He stopped mid-step, a devious grin donning his face as he turned back around and closed the bathroom door behind him.

Sometime later, Fang was slowly becoming aware of his surroundings. It felt like he was being carried, but he was still gripped by sleep and he simply ignored it, a snore escaping from his muzzle. He suddenly had a horrid feeling of free fall, and his eyes snapped open as he began to panic, but immediatly slammed them shut again as soapy water assaulted his eyes. He quickly fought to get himself to the surface gasping for air.

“What the hell are you do-GLOGLOGL!!!” Fang’s protests were cut off as Jeff forced him under the surface and began scrubbing soap and shampoo vigorously into Fang’s fur. His struggling was sloshing water everywhere; the only dry thing was Jeff, thanks to a special barrier he erected. He worked quickly, shampooing and conditioning Fang’s fur. While rinsing his fur for the final time, a massive shock wave blew apart the tub, sending water and shards of porcelain in all directions. Every mirror was shattered as chunks of the tub buried themselves into the walls.

“Awww isn’t that precious?” Jeff said while pulling a particularly large piece of porcelain out of his shoulder. The wound healed in moments. Fang stood, growling in the center of ground zero. His fur was silky smooth and gleamed in the light, giving off a faint glow. “Oh one more thing-!” Jeff said as he dashed toward Fang, stepping back a moment later to admire the pink bow tied to Fang’s ear. Fang shook himself vigorously, spraying water droplets everywhere, yet his fur remained pristine and the bow refused to move.

“What did you do?!” Fang snarled dangerously, irritated at being unable to return to his prior appearance.

Jeff burst into a giggle fit, “I reformulated the shampoo so the fragrance binds to the fur immediately and is permanent for 24 hours!”

“And the bow?” Fang growled.

“It’ll come off, eventually.” Jeff said with a grin. He began to move everything back into place, putting the tub back together and repairing the mirrors. Fang, now stuck smelling like a pretty princess, helped to restore the bathroom to its previous condition as well.

Both now fully awake, with the bathroom cleaned and the bed made, the rosy wolf and grinning Jeff opened the main doors to welcome a new beginning in a new world. His smile faded as he almost smashed his chest into Princess Celestia’s face.

“I received reports of an explosion in my bedroom. What did you do?” Celestia said, accusingly glaring into Jeff’s once more grinning face.

“I gave Fang a bath.” He said, gesturing to the alluring wolf and his flamboyant bow.

“You used my shampoo?” She repremanded as Fang’s flowery scent wafted into the hall. “So what, I let you sleep in my personal chambers, and you thank me by using my things and blowing up my bathroom?” She accused Jeff.

“Fang blew it up but we fixed it.” Celestia furrowed her brow before giving up with a sigh, it was too early for such shenanigans.

“Alright, I have a meeting to go to for the next hour. After that, breakfast is to be served in the private dining hall with my sister, Twilight and her friends. A few nobles will most likely be making an appearance so please be on your best behavior. I have also assigned you a pair of guards,” She nodded to a pair of unicorn stallions on either side of her. “They will take you anywhere you need to go, just, stop blowing things up.” She said as she turned down another hall, leaving the two nearly identical guards with Fang and Jeff.

The guards were dark grey brown with white mohawk manes. They wore gold armor with a light blue cloth underneath for comfort. The only difference was their age. One was weathered with experience from many years of serving the Princess, while the other looked like he was fresh from boot camp. They both stood staring straight ahead at the wall, as though it were the most captivating thing they have ever seen.

“Oh man, does this bring back memories.” Jeff said as he waved a hand in front of their unwavering faces. “Hey Fang, I bet they're trained to never move like British sentries.” He stood in front of the younger of the pair and stared intently into his eyes. “Don’t. Blink.” He said in a hushed undertone, as though the guard’s very life depended on it.

They stood there, stock still, eyes wide open in a stare down. The young guard was terrified, they never mentioned watching over crazy monsters in basic. He had no idea what would happen should he break eye contact, even for a blink. However, as much as the guard refused, his eyes began to water and twitch spastically. Suddenly without warning his eye lids closed, filling his eyes with bliss as the fluids hydrated his flaky retina. Half a second later he opened them again, and jumped back in terror as an innumerable amount of claws reached towards him. Laughter quickly drew him back to reality and he saw Jeff standing there holding his hands out in front of himself.

“What was that for?” The guard demanded, all sense of formality lost.

“I was in the military, you don’t need to be so formal around me. I’m Jeff, and this adorable puppy is Fang.” Fang nipped at Jeff’s out stretched hand, but he pulled it back at the last second. “What are your names?”

“Um, I’m Dusk, and this is Blitz.” He motioned to his superior.

Jeff turned his attention to Blitz, “Hmm… You’re well-disciplined aren’t you? I bet I can break you.” Jeff suddenly pulled a dagger from out behind himself, and buried it up to the hilt into his left lung. His breath became ragged as he coughed up blood onto Blitz’s face, who just stood there unwavering. Dusk began to panic and tried to run for help, only to be stopped by Fang. With a flash the illusion was undone, leaving Dusk in a state of panicked confusion.

“This guy’s good.” Jeff said as he straightened out, a loud rumble escaped from his body. “Oh well. Let’s get to breakfast early and see what they have.” He said and began to wander off in a random direction, Fang at his heels.

Dusk took a moment to calm himself, then kicked Blitz in the ribs. Blitz snorted and looked around in confusion.

“You fell asleep with your eyes open again, Sir. Come on, we need to make sure those two get to breakfast.” Dusk took off down the hall with Blitz trotting alongside. They came around the corner they saw Jeff turn towards, only to be halted in their tracks. Before them was the enormous pair of doors that lead to the throne room, guarded by the best guard ponies the Equestrian Military had to offer, Jeff and Fang were nowhere to be seen.

“Great, we lost em.” Blitz said as they turned back.

“… with this new banking system, the regulation of bits throughout Equestria will be much easier with the introduction of paper bits. The paper version of bits allows ponies to carry vast amounts of bits at a single time, making life much easier. Ponies may come to any branch to trade their golden bits for the newer more efficient form of bit.” The business pony announced to Princess Celestia, holding up a paper bill for her to see.

“So, the bank would regulate the flow of money, how would the kingdom handle the finances then?” She asked.

“Simple, Your Highness. We would gladly loan the kingdom any amount of financing, so long as the amount is repaid, with a small amount of interest of course.” The business pony said with a grin.

Princess Celestia considered his words for a moment. “Do you take me for a fool? You propose that my kingdom turn over millions of solid gold bits in exchange for flimsy pieces of parchment at only your banks? This would allow you possession of over 90% of the gold in circulation, which in turn can be melted down and sold back to my ponies at a higher price than what it is worth! Then the funds you promise to lend are to be repaid with interest? Removing all the bits from the ponies to pay your banks back would still leave the interest to be paid, where is that money going to come from?”

Celestia waited for an answer from the business pony, who stood there shaking like a leaf. When none came, she finalized her decision on the matter. “Mr. Monopoly, your proposition is hereby rejected, to never be made a reality as long as I sit upon the throne. Is that made clear?” Mr. Monopoly nodded his head vigorously, fearing his banishment was imminent. “Then you are all dismissed.”

She watched patiently from her throne as the presenters packed their prophet charts and estimates into various suit cases before filing outside, closing the door behind them. She let out a long sigh, how many times has this topic come up the past millennia? She lifted her head, “Well, Jeff, how was I?”

“You knew we were here? Can you sense us?” Jeff asked as he and Fang materialized on either side of the throne.

“No, I cannot. But my shampoo is hardly common in the land.” She said as she turned her gaze to Fang, who folded his ears back and did his best to hide behind his paws.

“Of course. Truth be told I’m rather proud of your standing for that issue. If you passed the proposition all of the power in Ecuador would transfer to him. He who owns the money, owns the world.”

“Ecuador?” Celestia asked, puzzled why this place was relevant to the conversation.

“Yea, er… whatever it is you are the princess of.” Jeff said, looking away toward the ceiling.

“My kingdom is Equestria, how does one so powerful forget things so easily?” she said with a worried expression.

“About that, my memory and abilities were much better before the solitude. I lost my mind, went mad on multiple occasions. Even someone of god status can’t expect to come back from that unscathed.” He said as he plopped down into a blue beanbag that wasn’t there before.

“So only your memory was affected? But you still seem very powerful to me.” Celestia said.

Jeff burst into laughter. “Of course I still retain all my power, but the forms it can take are limited to my imagination. After losing my mind, all I can use my power for now is cheap parlor tricks or crushing opponents with unrestrained energy. I used to be able to copy the minds of everyone around me, gaining all of their knowledge, experience, and memories in an instant. Not anymore, gone also is my ability to sway entire nations, not that it helped in the first place.” He sighed.

Celestia looked at the broken god in a new light, she saw her sister in him. She had witnessed her sister’s return, her frail and weakened state. Had she lost her mind during her banishment? Were the years of solitude a much worse form of punishment than death? It broke her heart to think of what she put her sister through over such a petty argument.

“You can’t change the past.” Said Jeff.

“What, how-"

“The look on your face, the color of your aura, I can read you like a book. Everyone has regrets, Princess. You cannot change the past, so you must move on. Learn from your past mistakes, and do the best you can with what you have. You should know this by now.” Jeff said from his beanbag, laying back to gaze at the gold plated ceiling.

Just then the door burst open as a pair of guards tripped over themselves trying to quickly approach and bow at the same time. “Your Majesty please forgive us! We lost sight of our query and fear they may be running amok someplace in Canterlot City!”

Celestia turned to Jeff, “Care to explain?”

Jeff sighed and stood to his full height, the beanbag returned to the oblivion from whence it came. “I tested their wits, and have found them wanting. Is it your desire to have me make them better guards?”

“That won’t be necessary.” Celestia said before addressing the guards, “Dusk, you may return to your squadron, tell the other fresh recruits of your experience in the castle. Blitz, your papers have been signed, and I am happy to have granted you one last exciting day as a farewell gift before your retirement.” The guards bowed low to the Princess and left without a word. Celestia turned to Jeff and Fang, “It’s about time for breakfast, shall we be off?”

“Indeed, let us drink and be merry!” Fang said joyfully at the prospect of food.

“The hell kind of breakfast selection is this?” Jeff said as he flipped through a menu. “Hay pancakes? Alfalfa bread? Where’s the steak, eggs, and bacon?”

“I’m sorry, eggs and what?” Asked Twilight as she placed her menu down, ready to order.

“Steak and bacon! A primary source of nutrition, a meal fit for a god!” Jeff said, posing dramatically for no apparent reason.

“I’m sorry, but I still don’t follow.” Twilight said, tilting her head in confusion.

“It’s meat.” Fang said flatly, an audible gasp was heard around the table.

“W-we had our assumptions, but…” Twilight trailed off.

“But we thought you wouldn’t need to eat any meat.” Finished Applejack.

“Eating another living being is so… revolting and barbaric.” Rarity said.

Celestia sighed, “I figured you may want meat products for breakfast, so we were able to arrange a chef trained in the art of cooking meat to be on staff this morning.”

The main door opened as a white unicorn stallion entered the dining hall. He was dressed in a very fancy set of garments as he approached the table with his snout pointed toward the ceiling. He stopped right behind the chair Fang was sitting in.

“What is such a filthy beast doing in my chair? Guards, I demand you remove it at once and have it put down for such treachery!” The guards didn’t move, Fang’s eye twitched as the pony kept talking. “Commoner ponies at my royal table? I am disgraced! I will never stoop as low to dine with the common filth as the lower classes. I demand you all leave at once!”

Both Celestia and Luna face-hoofed as Rarity ground her teeth together. The others prepared to run as they watched Fang begin to growl menacingly, barley controlling his anger.

“Forgive me…” Fang whispered to the ponies at the table before turning to face the insulting noble. “It’s been a while…” He barred his fangs in a menacing snarl at the pony, long streams of drool pooling onto the floor. “Since I ate a fresh kill… How does pony taste I wonder?”

The white unicorn was frozen in fear as Fang leaped at him, teeth burying themselves deep into his neck as a powerful set of jaws closed tight for the kill. A second later the pain was gone, the pony opened his eyes to see the wolf sitting calmly in front of him.

“I am not filthy, you heathen. I am beautiful today.” Fang said, turning his head to the side to show off his pink bow and bringing his tail up to his chin in the cutest way possible. The white unicorn had had enough at this point and simply fled the dining hall, the jeering of Rarity following in his wake.

Jeff turned back to the others, “So, who was that? The entertainment?” Fang returned to his seat.

“That was Prince Blueblood, my nephew.” Celestia hung her head in shame from his behavior.

“Wow. No more kids for you then, a rotten egg spoils the batch.” Jeff said, appalling the ponies at the table from his insult.

“No, we’re not related by blood, he’s born from the family tree of someone I adopted before my banishment.” Said Luna.

“And that just gives him the right to act that way?” Asked Fang.

“Most of the upper class ponies are that way, being raised rich and spoiled leads to that behavior.” Informed Twilight.

“And, Rarity, was it? Why the insults?” Asked Jeff as he leaned forward on the table.

“Oh well, forgive me for being un-lady like, but he is the most horrid, self-centered pony I have ever had the displeasure of meeting, and I would rather not talk about such things during breakfast.” Rarity said, flourishing her hair as though to end the discussion.

“Ok…” Jeff shook his head to rid the questions from his mind, he had much more important matters to attend to. “Now, where in the world is the waiter? I’m dying here!”

“I’m right here, Sir.”

“Whoa! You’re good… Too good…” Jeff said as he eyed the waiter over. “I want a 30 oz. steak, medium rare, four eggs sunny side up and a pile of bacon. I don’t mean a little pile next to the steak, I mean get the largest plate in the castle and stack the bacon to where it can barely remain stable. Got it?”

“Umm…” The waiter stammered, astounded by the enormous appetite.

“I think I’ll have the same, except I want my steak raw, heated enough to where the center is not frozen.”

The waiter proceeded to take down the rest of the orders then handed them to another pony, “And for dessert?”

“None thanks, although I do believe Celestia might want some.” Jeff winked at the Princess and gave a small smile. Celestia’s eyes went as wide as dinner plates as her mouth dropped open.

“Celly, have you been sneaking cake into your room late at night again?” Luna asked with a raised eyebrow.

“N-no, don’t be silly.” She smiled as her eyes darted back and forth.

“Oh, well you don’t mind if I take a peek then do you?” Luna said playfully.

“NO!” Celestia almost shouted before she contained herself. “No, I mean. It’s really messy and I need to, uh, finish, um, sorting Twilight’s friendship reports…?”

“Wait, Twilight wrote those?” Jeff watched as Celestia’s face drained of all color, “She must be REALLY friendly then.” Celestia disappeared in a flash of light as she teleported away, Jeff grinning broadly in amusement.

“What was that all about?” Asked Rainbow Dash.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Jeff stated, feigning ignorance.

Luna sighed, “Looks like I need to talk to her again…”

“This has happened before?” Asked Jeff.

“You can say it’s her only weakness.” Said Luna.

They sat there in silence, waiting for both Celestia’s return and for breakfast to be served. Jeff cast his attention to the various portraits of Celestia and Luna lining the walls, they seemed to be staring at him, one in particular gave him a bad vibe. In his experience, bad vibes were not to be taken lightly. He conjured a small dagger into his hand beneath the table, never taking his eyes off the portrait. In one swift motion, he stood and threw the dagger with amazing speed and surprising accuracy, striking the portrait in one of the eyes.

“Whut in tarnation are you doing??” Demanded Applejack.

“OH MY GOSH!! That was so cool did you guys see that?” Praised Rainbow Dash.

“Yeppi-doodles! He was all like, FWOOSH and the dagger was like SWOOSH and the painting was like NOOOO but it couldn’t move because it’s a painting and was struck right in the eye!” Pinkie said, enacting each event with her entire body on the table.

“Sorry everyone, I thought I felt something is all.” Said Jeff, trying to calm everypony down.

“And that gives you the right to stab my sister in the eye?” Asked Luna. “That used to be an act of war back in my day.”

A flash of light announced Celestia’s return, “What’s all this commotion?”

“Breakfast is served.” A waiter announced as several chefs carted in a number of trays, two piled high with a mountain of bacon, not too crispy yet not too soft.

“I’ll tell you later when we have our talk.” Luna said to Celestia as the chefs placed the trays before the guests, lifting the silver cover to reveal their orders.

“Oh man, this steak is perfect!” Jeff exclaimed as he savored the first bite. “Whoever cooked this deserves to dine with us, bring us the one who made the steak!” Jeff called to the chefs as they returned to the kitchen.

Twilight and her friends became increasingly nauseated at the site before them. Sure, Jeff and Fang were civil, using forks and knives or biting off smaller pieces. But the prospect of watching the remains of another living creature be eaten was almost too much for Twilight. She gagged, quickly bringing a hoof to her mouth to fight back the bile. As sickening as the barbaric display before her was, throwing up all over the royal table in front of the Princesses was much worse. Jeff looked at her as he finished another bite. Upon seeing her and the others about to blow chunks, he tapped his finder on the table, twice.

All the meat began to glow a light golden yellow. The food was lifted into the air broke apart into billions of particles, leaving nothing behind as they flowed into Fang and Jeff. Now that the meat was no longer in sight the ponies slowly began to feel better.

Twilight's curiosity began to get the better of her, "So, um... where did it go?"

"The meat?" Jeff asked her, the others nodded. "We assimilated it. We turned it into pure energy and absorbed it. You didn't make it seem like a problem when we ordered but you were probably just trying to be polite. I'm sorry everyone."

Applejack nodded her head, "It's ok. Being on a farm so close to the Everfree Forest I've come to accept that some animals can only eat meat. But to see it for myself..." She shivered.

"Yea, and I used to be friends with a griffon named Gilda, she ate meat from time to time. She never did when I was around but she did mention it once."

"Talking about me behind my back, Dash?" A griffon said as it entered the dining hall, wearing a chef hat and blouse.

“Wait, Gilda?” Asked Rainbow Dash.

“Heya Dash, been a while hasn’t it?” Responded Gilda as she approached the table.

“Wow, what are you doing here? As a chef even?” Asked Rainbow Dash, pulling out a chair for her old gal pal to sit while they chatted.

“Well, I thought a lot about what you said, and about what I said. After a while I began to realize that there are more important things in life than just being cool. I guess you can say I grew up a bit, found a job here as assistant meat chef and started a new life.” Said Gilda as she removed the apron. “I’m sorry for the way I acted back then everypony, it took you all to make me realize my real goals in life, and for that I want to thank you.”

“Well said Gilda! I guess you’re not a mean meanie pants anymore!” Cheered Pinkie. “You know what this calls for?”

“A party?” Dash Asked.

“A PARTY!!! Wait, how did you know?” Asked Pinkie Pie, twisting her neck at an impossible angle.

Breakfast soon became an impromptu party, celebrating Gilda’s change in attitude, welcoming new friends, and reacquiring old ones. Yet unbeknownst to the party ponies, a shadowy figure was regaining consciousness after fainting in fright.

That was too close. It thought to itself. Lucky it hit the other eye and not the one I was looking through; my death would not have made the master happy. It composed itself before disappearing into a wisp of smoke.