Saviors of Nothing

by Stillmatic

Chapter 3: Family Reunion

Viz, for his credit, was frugal with his paycheck in every sense of the word. This meant occasionally mooching off of his best friend and slipping some bits underneath the couch as secretly as possible to ease his mind. Yet, he never seemed to stop, despite knowing the contradiction there. That was just one of the more enigmatic parts of their friendship that went either completely unnoticed, one-sided, or just unsaid. 

As was in his nature, the unicorn guard in question was sitting at Wyk's kitchen counter and munching on a bowl full of Celesti-O's. It was a bit ironic, given that the Princess seemed to despise him unconditionally while showing plenty of favor towards Wyk. Regardless, the honey-imbued, mouth-watering, and sugar-glazed golden circlets were worth the swallowed pride. He munched away and sipped at some orange juice, not a care in the world. That is, until Wyk walked out of his bedroom extremely disheveled. 

"Hey shleeping beauty," Viz slurred, ejecting bits of cereal onto the counter, "bad night'sh shleep?"

Wyk raised a hoof, "Stop. You're spitting Celestia all over my kitchen counter."

Viz looked down at the chunks of grain and swallowed, "Guess I am. Rough night, last night?"

"Went to dinner with the Duke of Caspian Creek's daughter."

Viz's eyes bulged slightly, "No way!" He snarled, "I was trying to get with her!"

Wyk allowed a smirk to light up his gray face, "How'd that work out? I tell you, brother, putting in that little bit of extra courtesy really goes a...long way."

"It-it can't be! This hasn't ever happened before..." The unicorn shook his head, "She's probably a skank. Her dad too," he added for good measure.

Viz's friend let a slightly downcast look cross his face and he chewed his lip, "She's dying, you know. Some rare blood disease. I just took her out for dinner. It's probably the last time she'll visit here."

"Luna damn it! I need to get with her before she croaks, then! Think she'll be up for a date?"

"You are a sick being and you have my utmost pity for chasing after somepony who is only sixteen." Wyk stated sternly, "Moving on, apparently my cousin is in town. So, if anypony you don't know comes knocking, don't answer. I'm not big on family. Especially since I haven't seen her since she was a baby."

"Ew. The banana isn't ripe enough to peel yet, then." Viz shrugged dismissively and accepted the subject change, "I'll make sure not to open any windows or doors. Not that she can probably come through your window; I'm pretty sure your family is mostly Earthies."

"And what's wrong with being an Earthy? We both know our breeds are superior to Pegasi." Wyk removed some bread from the fridge and shoved two slices into the toaster. "Those winged dicks never know when to stop; always flying around like a fleet of tugboats."

"Well that isn't saying much. Pegasi are just a bunch of feather dusters." Viz dived down on some more cereal, "Anyway, you sure she isn't a pegasus? She might try to come through a window. They're freaks like that."

Wyk folded his hooves under his chin and leaned against the countertop, "Thank Luna that we're the master races. Anyway, you better get going. You don't want to be any later than you already are."

Viz wiped away the milk from his mouth and pushed the bowl away, "Yeah, like rolling around in the dirt is superior. Catch ya later, pussy debilitater."

"Funny! Have fun working." Wyk let a huge smirk cover his face, "By the way, buddy, you get to work with Star Spangle and Celestia's closest, most appreciated guard, Goldenhoof. Enjoy trying to get fried around him."

"I don't need to drown myself in drinking and drugs everyday, you know." Viz turned and opened the door, "Now, I'm off to get Goldenhoof a hooker to distract him. Cya!"

Wyk laughed and went to butter his toast. The stallion quickly trotted out in the hallway and towards his workplace, ready for a new day. Whether or not it would work out for him, he didn't know. Still, he liked to say he was brave for doing so. Little did he know, someone was watching him leave from not too far away, behind a potted plant. He placed his helmet on his head, cracked a smile, and hummed a tune while walking away.

"... And that's how I got remarried for the third time. That griffon... whoo, I tell ya. Best decision I ever made."

Viz snapped out of his boredom-fueled daze to point something out, "But you said the exact same thing for the other two before her." 

Goldenhoof, an extremely strict example of a previous generation's rigid upbringing and the values that came with it, was always one to keep his co-workers in check. Yet, despite being at least twice the age of Viz, he hadn't made much progress in terms of rank within Honor Guard. Granted, he was most definitely higher than most guards he surrounded himself with, but his career had leveled off quite a while ago. And truthfully, that's the way he liked it. Serving the Princesses through guard duty was one of his favorite pastimes, which along with his no-nonsense attitude meant that he wasn't anyone's first choice as a partner while patrolling or standing about. 

Goldenhoof barely hid a smirk, "I never mentioned anything about a 'her', soldier."

"So what is she, then?"

"Are you dense, boy?"

"In some parts."

Goldenhoof sighed in exasperation and walked away on patrol, "That dang boy ain't right."

Viz shrugged and took out a blunt. Despite what he had said earlier, the workday was significantly easier while warm in the head. The guard lit it and was soon puffing away. He had finished it by the time he heard the sound of rustling bushes, instantly sending his heart into a quickened pace. Viz's ears reflexively went up and he turned his head to whatever was trying to hide from him. Even in the Royal Gardens, there was apparently reason to tread with caution. He slowly crept to a bush and threw it open, only to be right in front of a mare's face. 

The two stared off, with his blank visage not breaking for a single second. She was an olive-green mare with a slightly brighter and more vibrant mane. Her flank was decorated by a pink Venus symbol that screamed some sort of message, though he couldn't decipher what. A heavy blush decorated her surprised face, but it wasn't noticed very much as a hoof slapped Viz across the face. 

"W-What're you doing, you pig?!"

She sped off, leaving Viz in her dust as he simply continued to stare. Goldenhoof trotted next to him in curiosity and raised a brow.

"Who the hay was that?"

Viz blinked, still feeling the effects of the poison joke, "That was a pony? I thought I was talking to a hedge."

The veteran guard narrowed his eyes before walking away, "That boy ain't right."

Wyk was lazing about his apartment when an odd thought crossed his wandering mind. Surely, even after all these years, this distant cousin of his would check in. It was Earth pony tradition. And what a tradition it was. While Peagsi usually continued on without their siblings and parents in later life, Earth ponies tended to remain close to even the most distant of relatives. Wyk remembered when he had just graduated Guard School and his mother had dragged him along to a celebratory reunion where he met some ponies he didn't even know existed.

Unicorns maintained the mediocrity of the middle of the spectrum. They kept in some contact with relatives, but never much mentioned or visited them. In fact, Wyk took a moment to think over the times he had even mentioned his family. Maybe once or twice in the years they had known each other. Wyk shrugged the odd feeling off and decided to go for a walk. Paradoxically, he found himself wishing he was working when he wasn't and vice versa. He locked the door behind him and ran square into Gentlepony Till, the landlord of the apartment complex.

"Oh! Why hello, Wyk! Going out to meet your admirers, I assume?"

Her voice was rich, posh, and, oddly enough, quite friendly and warm although she was a mare of unremarkable features. She also had quite the scuttlebutt addiction.

Wyk's face let his confusion show, "Admirers? I don't follow."

Till waved her hoof excitedly, "Yes, my dear! Two young ones were lingering down the hall for quite some time! I happened to overhear them conversing about you. Are you quite sure you don't know what i'm speaking of?"

Wyk nodded, "Positive, Ms. Till. What did they look like? What were they saying?"

"Well, I don't rightly know," Till thought hard and her expression showed it, "I'm sure the green one mentioned something about you once or twice, but it was the other one that really prattled on. She's most certainly a Canterlotian! The other seemed a little out of place. You poor earth ponies being in a city of magic!"

Rolling his eyes playfully, Wyk knew he needed a little charm to get the tangent to cease, "Oh, it's ever so difficult. Perhaps we could relax together if you spared me a little information, sweetheart."

Till blushed, showing her mundane features even more clearly, "Oh, my! Well, I don't rightly remember! The green one said her cousin was here and was a guard! Now, I know it wasn't that scoundrel, Viz, she was talking about! And the other said you were supposed to be quite the catch according to her friend! As soon as Viz walked out, they followed him!"

Wyk chuckled. He didn't have many admirers seeing as he didn't strike many ponies as being interesting or even easy to talk to. He had a hard, marbled face that had some striking angles. Of course, it also added to an intimidating appearance which tended to scare off most mares and challenged egocentric stallions. Being a guard seemed suitable for Wyk's appearance. And he didn't mind one bit about tossing some lustful street mares onto Viz's back. He liked the attention more than Wyk anyway. But one had said something about her cousin. Surely it was a coincidence. 

"Oh, well, what can you do? These immature suitors don't know a single thing about courtship. Am I correct, Ms. Till?"

The landlady blushed even harder, "I do believe so, dear."

Wyk thought hard for the next second. He was a little down about hearing his date last night was dying. And Landlady Till had always been chasing after him. Staying a little late to finalize paperwork, inviting him to small get togethers, "bumping into" him in the hallways. A devilish smile leapt to Wyk's face and he lunged forward, pressing his face hard against Till's, sliding his tongue between her lips.

She jumped surprisedly and then moaned softly. Wyk laughed internally and pulled her back into his apartment.

Viz yawned tiredly and wiped his eyes. He was currently enjoying a short break and sat at a cafe table, awaiting his food. His high had been over for quite some time, yet his hunger had to be held off until his thirty-minute reprieve would take effect. Now he was at Shenanigans, some retro-themed food place that forced employees to wear ridiculous pins on uncomfortable overalls. He wasn't sure if any of them enjoyed their job much, but at least the food didn't taste of depression. Slowly, the unicorn's eyelids lowered down, until sleep took over. 

The sound of clipping woke him up. Did he fall asleep in a salon? Viz looked about. No, he was still at that cafe, half-awake at his own table. At least his daffodil spaghetti was there. Yawning, the unicorn stretched and smacked his lips. A quick rustle behind him caught his attention, and with a look back, he saw the same mare from earlier with a pair of scissors in her hooves. They stared off once again, each waiting for the other to do or say something. Viz opened his mouth to voice a question, only to be slapped across the face again. The mare ran off quickly, once again displaying the speed of an Earth pony. He shrugged; there wasn't much he could do now.

That is, other than enjoy his meal. He smiled and set to it.

Wyk was nearly bowled over as a green mare come bolting out of Shenanigans, a slightly newer food joint in the more "hip" section of Canterlot. He shook his head and cussed after her as she vanished into the throng of the crowd. Returning to his objective, Wyk bumped headfirst into a red-eyed Viz.

"Yo, spaghettio." Wyk said somewhat nonchalantly, "Shouldn't you be working? Or do you have a break?"

Viz yawned, "Break time, got some pasta. Was good for a corp."

Wyk nodded and was about to say something when he noticed the missing chunk of Viz's mane, "Sweet Celestia, Viz! Your hair!"

Before Viz could reply, Wyk had him in a brotherly headlock as he examined the large gap which had been cut jaggedly for about four inches down the back of his neck, "Who did this? Your mane looks like a piece of bologna! What in the fuck!"

"What? What?" Viz stirred slightly in the headlock and broke free, "What's up with my mane?"

Wyk pushed him back into the headlock, "Did you do this? There's a huge chunk missing! My Luna, man! What were you thinking! Your hair looks like a wall somepony never bothered to finish!"

Viz dropped to the ground in a tumble to get out once more, "Might've been that bush that was messing with my hair a little while ago. I think it's following me."

"Good Sunshine, man! Are you doing that crack shit again? Bushes are following you?"

"Probably. Some green things keeps sneaking up on me or hides around in the greens. A bush," he clarified.

Wyk shook his head slowly to show his dissatisfaction, "A pony? Or is it one of those living plants things that pop up sometimes?"

Viz sat on his haunches tiredly, "Green, running thing. Runs a lot, actually."

Noticing the bruises on Viz's face, Wyk took hold of his friend's cheeks and examined the red welts, "What in the long halls of Valhalla have you been up to?"

"The thing slapped me across the face. Twice." Viz frowned, "Bushes don't have hooves, bro."

"It better not be that bitch ex of yours." Wyk stated sourly, but he perked up seconds later, "You mean a green pony, right? Ms. Till said there was one lurking the hallway outside my apartment and that she followed you after you left."

Viz rubbed his chin in thought, "Pony, eh? A mare, you say? Hmm..." He stood and began to trot off, "I'll catch you later, flank annihilator!"

Wyk watched as Viz sped off, probably already late. He shrugged his shoulders. He must have finished his meal fast. Viz was a capable friend and also probably mentally delayed, but capable nonetheless. It wasn't Wyk's place to worry about what he did. Wyk shrugged again and went to order lunch.

Viz stood by himself at his post, watching as clouds passed by above. A sound caught his attention, and lo and behold, the green mystery mare from earlier was creeping around a nearby tree in an effort to get closer to him. Smirking, he opened the door into the Royal Foyer and reported to Goldenhoof that he was going on patrol and to cover his post. After receiving confirmation, the smooth stallion trotted off towards the Gardens. 

He walked by the odd mirrors scattered around one grassy part near the lake, watching the mare follow him, "That's it, little moth... come to the flame..."

Whoever the mare was, she hastily picked up speed once he broke out into a jog and started moving quicker. She followed and turned several times, going through the maze of the gardens and eventually finding herself lost. There was no sign of Viz for the moment, bringing confusion to her face. She looked back and forth before looking at the grass in a downcast manner. That is, until she turned and was face-to-face with the stallion in question.

"W-W-Wha-" she stammered, hopping back in surprise.

Viz pulled out one of his most disarming smiles and trotted closer, "What's wrong, don't like having the tables turned on you?"

"Y-You..."

He put a hoof beneath her chin and pulled her close enough for him to see the emotion in her eyes fully, "Hmm... You have really nice eyes. They seem... familiar."

The mare tore her head away and went further back, colliding with a hedge, "Y-You bastard..."

"What's wrong?" he purred seductively. "Don't like close encounters?"

A redness came over her that was truly brighter than Viz thought possible. Was it a blush or anger? He didn't really know, but he had never bothered to ever stop pushing luck before, so why stop now?

Viz chuckled and scooted up, giving her less room to pry herself from the hedge, "You know, I think-"

He was suddenly cut off as the green Earth pony mare violently grabbed his face and literally dragged it towards her own. She forced her tongue through his mouth and attempted to break through the pearly whites guarding his tongue. Viz, shocked but not enough to stop him from getting some free action, opened them and began fondling her tongue back. They shared that moment a few seconds longer before she ripped her face away and gave him another slap.

He blinked, knowing full-well that he'd be feeling that one in the morning. The mare attempted to bolt away, but Viz pressed her back, forcing her to that spot.

"Just who the hay are you? Why are you following me?" 

The Earth pony tried breaking free, only for her to thrash to flail against the guard's grip, "Let me go!"

"Not until you tell me who you are!"

She scoffed, looking away, "You seriously don't remember me? I should have expected as much from some hunky, meat-headed macho-fool." If Viz was hurt by the words, he certainly didn't show it. "Venus. Venus Equity."

Viz let her go, "Weird name." 

"It's better than-" She winced as several items fell from her saddlebags when she dropped back onto all-fours, "Darn it!"

The accommodating stallion grabbed the books, "Here, lemme grab those-"

Venus nearly snatched them away, "No! I don't need your help! I'm an independent mare who c-can..." she gulped, "solve her own problems!"

Catching on, Viz grabbed everything she dropped and began putting it back in her bags as politely as he could, "Lemme just..."

The mare watched him return everything as it was, and a frown broke out across her face, "You didn't need to do that."

The frown suddenly turned into surprise once Viz was directly in her face, "Oh don't worry... it was my privilege."

She began shaking heavily at that, and Viz, being ever knowledgable about medicine, backed up at the weirdness. Venus pounced him, planting kiss after kiss on his face. He attempted to squirm away, only for her to follow and double her efforts.

"Oh, you filthy example of masculinity! I-I want you! I need you! No matter what society says!"

Viz pulled away, "This sure as hay isn't the place to get it!"

Venus panted heavily on his face, running a hoof against his horn, "I don't remember this little appendage! What did you have in mind?"

He smirked deviously, "I know just the place for us to trade notes on masculinity and femininity." 

Snatching the young Earth pony up, Viz sped back to the one place he knew he could rely on for a bed.

"No, a little to the left!"

Wyk felt his soul cry as he again reached for a limescale remover on the top shelf. He had been shopping peacefully, picking up a few necessities and other miscellaneous items during the last few hours of daylight when a mare, who had obviously spied Wyk shopping a few isles down, had approached and asked for help reaching the product.

She wasn't a model, and she had a few extra pounds around her waist, but Wyk found her attractive nonetheless. "More cushion for the pushin'!" He thought to himself as he passed down the bottle and caught a small glimpse of the mare's rear end. She smiled charmingly, white coat and bright orange mane shining in the light.

"You're a lifesaver!"

Wyk smiled appreciatively, "It's no big deal." He thought briefly of Ms. Till and wondered if his mind was decaying like Viz's. He usually wasn't this promiscuous. "I'm just glad I could help."

The yet-to-be-named beauty smiled charmingly and ran a hoof across Wyk's collarbone, "How can I repay you?"

The guard considered his possible options. One: he could get her to pay for at least the toilet paper he had in his basket and go on home, or two: he could accept the obviously imitated pornography-type seduction and go home and have some fun. He was still considering the options when the mare winked with voluptuous eyelashes at him.

Wyk pulled her a bit closer, "I think I have some ideas."

"Oh, do share, baby." She replied lustfully.

Leaning forward, Wyk pressed himself against her face so that they were nose to nose, "I can either fuck you here or at my place. Which will it be?"

Viz yawned, running a hand down Venus' face, "So, how was my gender's display of affection?"

The mare snuggled closer and rested her head on his chest, "I can't believe it. A male who's actually educated about this stuff..." She paused before continuing, "Mom never said you went to college though, so..."

Viz, in his infinite wisdom, assumed he had just scored with the daughter of a mother who he had apparently bedded, making him smile widely. After all, how many stallions can say they've done something like that? Possibly a few, but that wasn't important. He was important, and what he had just done was important, too. So, obviously, he was now in high spirits. 

"I'm an enigma, wrapped in cologne and smooth moves. Plus I read those feminist pamphlets that are always stuck under my door."

"I'm so glad I met you," she confessed, "and you're literate too. This is too perfect."

The stallion gave her a light kiss on the forehead and got out of the bed, "Alas, even I, am flawed in many ways." He winked, "We'll just have to continue our studies together to see how much."

Venus watched him stretch and head to the door, "Where are you going?"

"Orange juice. Want some?"

She nodded and lay back down, "I'll be waiting."

Viz snickered as he left the room, "Of course you will."

Moving to the fridge, the guard who was supposed to be on duty at the moment opened it, grabbed his favorite beverage, two glasses, and sat at the counter for a moment. He was pretty content up until he shook the juice carton and realized it was practically empty.

"Daisy, what the hay? Where does she even put all this stuff?"

Then, the door opened, revealing Wyk and some mare he hadn't ever seen before.  He waved at the pair and smiled.

"What's up, Wyk? What's up, Wyk's friend?"

Wyk raised an eyebrow, "Two glasses. I'm going to skip past the possibility that you were just about to pour some for you and I and go straight to the possibility that there is a mare in my bed."

"Yep. Yours is already claimed, just so you know."

Before Wyk could reply, the green mare, Venus, trotted around the corner. She seemed ghostly pale and stared at Wyk for sometime before looking back at Viz, "Are you Wyk?"

Wyk interrupted Viz as he began to speak, "No, I am. Why?"

"Oh, hay. Oh, hay!" Venus said breathlessly as she looked desperately at Wyk's mare, "We messed up, Solar."

Silence filled the room. Even Viz, who was pouring the last of the juice, set the carton down in confusion. Wyk didn't seem to understand until he took a good hard look at Venus. His jaw dropped, "Venus? Venus Equity?"

She smiled shakily, "Hi, cousin."

"Wait, wait, wait." Wyk faced Viz with fury in his eyes, "You banged my cousin! My cousin, Viz!"

The now visibly shaken Viz pushed a glass off the countertop purposely and ducked down to clean the mess. Wyk pointed at Venus, "You thought he was me? So you thought you just had intercourse with me? Your own cousin?"

"It's a requirement of the FSPCR..."

"The what?"

"The Feminist Separatist Party of Close Relationships." Venus gulped.

Wyk seemed livid and detached himself from Solar and stared at her with fiery eyes, "I thought you looked familiar! Solar Flare! So, are you two in cahoots? Running around preaching some feminist crap and trying to get it on with your cousin? It's incest!"

Solar Flare backed towards the door, "No! Not really! Venus wanted you! I just thought it would be fun to play around with you and Viz! I thought you were him!"

"This is so fucked up I can't even comprehend it." Wyk took a deep breath, "Let me get this straight. You, Venus, wanted to bang me, which is incest by the way, in order to join a feminist party? And you, Solar Flare, just wanted to hitch a ride for the hay of it? What is wrong with you two? I haven't seen you since you were fillies and now instead of coming for a visit, you come to try and buck me?"

More silence followed the tirade. Wyk took another prolonged breath as he thought, "Wait a second. If I have seen you since that family reunion, that means you're..." His eyes widened and he pointed at the door, "Get out. Both of you. If I ever see you again, i'm going to make sure your parents send you to boarding school for the rest of your very adolescent lives!"

The mares scattered and the door slammed shut, leaving the quiet sound of Viz sifting pointlessly through broken glass and orange juice. He poked his head up.

"I thought she looked a little young."