Chapter 8: The day Equestria stood still.
A part of Shining Armor's psyche never aged past the age of ten — just one of the perks of having an authoritarian upbringing and a career in the military. It is the part that makes him jump up whenever somepony knocks on his door or shouts his name in the corridor. For a few seconds, he thinks it is something bad he's done catching up to him. He always laughs it away, but the sinking feeling is always there. It is the feeling he gets when the conductor asks for your ticket. Of course he has it — he wouldn't dream of not buying one — but some reptilian response urges him to instead run away, hide under the seat and maybe drop his tail.
It is the same for him with the ponies in law enforcement. Policeponies want for nothing more than a quiet shift sitting in their patrol cart without absolutely anything happening. Because that means everything is right in the world. And having to do something would probably be away from their time with a nice cup of coffee and a donut. Shining Armor knows this for a fact. He's met many a policepony during his career, whether it be with joint exercises or executive assistance, and just about every one of them is a mellow, slightly stressed and not-so-slightly overweight pony, who actually got into his work because of their people skills. If they really wanted to do something physical, they would have joined the Guard.
This is exactly why it is so ridiculous for him to jump at the first sight of a police cart, hide his face and try to look inconspicuous. The police really couldn't care less about some pedestrian Equestrian strolling about, whether with his collars up or not. With his position in the military, his connections, and his winning smile, he could probably never get into anything that couldn't be excused as a misunderstanding. And the police would like it that way, because misunderstandings are solved with maybe a stern talk and waving your hoof in the air for a moment. Celestia forbid they actually had to arrest somepony; that would mean paperwork and red tape. Two terms that chill their spines more than someone pouring frozen youghurt down their backs.
It was a misunderstanding, and the policeponies were really good sports about it. Shining Armor did still get grounded for two weeks.
But the abject fear of The Authority is very real for him. It is in his backbone and in his subconscious. He is not alone in these thoughts, of course. Many a grown stallions shares his sentiments towards The Authority. And nopony's perfect — Even Shining Armor has been bad in his lifetime, and it has caught up to him. Whether it was because of a misunderstanding, getting mixed up with the wrong crowd, or just plain stupidity. Whatever the reason, sometimes when he least expected it, a simple line delivered in just the right tone of voice can reduce his legs into jelly. Those lines usually start with his full name, including all the embarrassing middle names that nopony ever uses, and is followed by "Please report to the Principal's Office", "Come inside this minute" or his newest nemesis, "We need to talk. Now." These are the times when his mind starts racing and listing every single thing that he should be guilty of, whether those things would really be considered bad from an objective point of view. After the list is complete, his guilty mind starts to make excuses for every possible misdemeanour.
And he knows, deep down inside, that none of them will matter, because The Authority does not listen to excuses or circumstances. It doesn't matter how old he is, how many wars he's fought, how many lives he's saved or how high a position he holds. When he hears those words, his knees shake, his tail hides between his legs and his eyes start to burn. The grown stallion becomes a simple little colt, because he knows that he has once again come face to face with The Authority. And The Authority is only there to punish little colts who've been naughty.
This is ridiculous, Shining Armor thinks to himself. I'm not a colt anymore, and Cady is definitely not my mother, so why is she pushing me in front of her to our tower? And come to think of it, why am I holding my head down... and why is everyone staring at me? I'm sure I just heard that guard snicker. When I find out— Yeouch!
"Who leaves these lying around? Cady, slow down. I—"
"Shining Armor. Please don't make a scene." The voice is maternal and commanding, making it hard not to obey. Any drill sergeant would be proud to put so much emphasis on so few words.
"But I wasn't—" he tries, but he knows his struggling to be futile.
"Shiniiing..." she uses the menacing drawn-out-wowel-with-a-rising-pitch routine, combined with a disapproving stare that has an undertone of 'wait till your father gets home'. Naturally this will not work on anyone over the age of, say, ten. To Shining Armor's surprise, it is super effective, and the only saving grace he can think of is that Cadance has yet to grab him by the ear. His ears fall flat against his head from the thought, and he feels blood rush to his cheeks.
Shining Armor is defeated, but he at least knows that a strong stallion such as him will always have the last word.
"Yes, Dear."
I'm blushing now? Ridiculous! So ridiculous! I can't believe this! She can't boss me around like this! I'm the Prince! I'm a big pony! I'm... in trouble, aren't I? Is this about lying to Cady? Or about the furniture? The maids? GAH! They had it coming. Kinda. And Cady probably did more to the apartment...
Shining Armor takes a few fast steps to stay out of reach of the Cadydozer, but this only brings him closer to the gallows. Her ceaseless trotting make the stone corridors echo from the sounds of her golden horseshoes. He cannot turn to look at the fury on his heels for fear of being trampled, and can only walk on in something that is not quite walking, but not running away in panic either. His mind races and conjures up an image where the relentless hoof-falls are the marching drum of an advancing army about to invade the sovereign nation of Armoria and crush his autonomy under those metal clad hooves. The Generals have a war-meeting, and the decision is made to trade certain defeat for a fighting chance. He stops and turns around to meet the thunderhead full on.
"Cadance. That's enough."
"Enough, is it?" she hardly even slows down as her gold-shod hoof lands onto Shining Armor's chest. He is still off balance from his 180, and the gentle force of a battering ram from Cadance is enough to topple him onto his rump. He stares out in surprise, and the familiar but unwanted grip of panic grabs his chest in a stranglehold. He unconsciously scampers backwards, away from the Princess Of Love.
"Enough!?" Cadance shouts. "For ONCE you could have saved me the public embarrassment of cleaning up after yet another one of your stupid stunts, but you think it's ENOUGH?! We are GOING..." she points violently to the stairs to their tower, and Shining Armor flinches back in fear of being hit for real. "...home, and we are GOING to have a talk." She takes one more step forward, bringing her face mere inches from his. For a moment, he thinks he sees a poisonous green fire flicker in her eyes. Shining Armor feels the cold stone wall on his back, but it is his chest that has turned to ice.
Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me...
With a condescending neigh, Cadance stands up and starts up the stairs, leaving him alone in the dark corridor.
It will pass. It always does. Breathe. It will pass. You're just imagining the eyes. She's not the Queen. Breathe. Just a trick of the light. It will pass. It always does.
He gains control of his emotions with every laboured breath that he draws from between his clattering teeth and from every thump of his head on the wall. The panic recedes, and he can finally take a deep breath. Or half of one, because a shout carries from above.
"Don't make me have to come back down there and get you!"
Shining Armor's legs work before his mind has even registered what is happening. He jerks up like a marionette with half of its strings missing, but he is upright. Every muscle in his body is shaking, and he is certain that he will not survive the stairs, let alone the beast waiting for him up at the top.
I could run. I could get out of the castle before she'd know I was gone. I could...
He looks around. The familiar quiet corridor, the distant voices carrying from somewhere far off in the distance around the twisting corners of the castle's architecture, the wind howling in the windows, the orange colours of dusk, they return him back to reality.
Okay, right. I'm being stupid. You hear me, body? Don't be stupid. That's Cadance, and you're her husband, and you're going up there, and you're going to talk things through like two adults like you should have from day one. Now up the stairs. Hoof up, there we go. Easy as walking... Because it IS walking, stupid.
The room is only lit by a few candles that have been set on a few boxes, so it takes Shining Armor a few moments to adjust to the dark. The scene in their apartment stops him cold for a moment. All of the debris has been removed, and a few scaffolds have been placed against the walls for the repair crews to work on. The walls and even the ceiling have gaping holes in them, some of them several inches deep, showing the dull gray stonework underneath the white plastering. Several boxes of tools and building materials litter the floor, which has been covered with plywood sheets to protect what little is left of the plush carpeting.
Princess Cadance is walking around, seemingly taking in the full spectrum of the tragedy that has befallen their private sanctum.
"Why?" She doesn't shout. There is no need. The wind has died down, and no living thing that had a brain would dare make a sound. Even the last birds of autumn don't fly this high, especially when they know that a storm is coming.
Fine. Let's get this over with.
"Why what?" Shining Armor asks bluntly.
"Why did you have to ruin everything?"
"This place? I think it was you who got the idea first." He keeps his voice steady and twists his mouth into a crooked smile, even though he would just like to scream and run away. The trek up the stairs was almost too much for his shaking hooves, and there's nothing he'd like to do more than just sit down and wait for the shivers to pass. Or maybe be somewhere else entirely, preferably surfing — both the prospects seem as likely.
Keep smiling. She always softens up with the smile. Come on, you can do this.
"Well you sure did your best to catch up!"
Cadance walks around the room, approaching her husband. He moves on too, keeping his distance. They circle around each other like two griffons who have found the same prey simultaneously. Shining Armor's hoof catches between two plywood sheets, and he stumbles for a bit before finding his balance on his shaking legs. Cadance is only a few feet away from him.
Stay away from me.
"And whose fault is that?" she asks.
"That you trashed the house?"
"Because you lied to me! You left me alone!"
"And that's why you take it out by putting five ponies in hospital? Ponies that work under me? Was that some kind of a message for me?"
"I was scared! And they came in in the middle of the night!"
"So you decided to go for grievous bodily harm as a go-to solution?"
W-why am I doing this? I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
"I—" She tries to find her words, but Shining Armor cuts her off.
"And it was you pushed me out the door! I wanted to stay then and there, but you pushed me out."
"Because I thought you were actually going to work and not go drink with your lowlife friends!"
You don't say that about my friends.
"Well sorry for having a life outside these walls, mom!"
"Mom? All I try to do is take care of you!"
"I'm the guardspony and you're the Princess! It's my job to take care of you! I'm the one who should be wearing the pants here!"
"Shiny, we don't even wear pants!"
"That's... that's beside the point..." he says while looking at the wall.
Cadance walks a bit closer to him and says in a lot quieter voice. "I just want you to be safe."
If somepony was listening really closely, they might hear a quiet snapping sound inside Shining Armour's head.
"Safe? SAFE!? You keep treating me like some little colt! I don't need your protection!" he shouts.
She backpedals from his loud voice. "Well you sure act like a little colt! I try to help you with your duties and support you and you throw it all in my face?"
"Help me?! How... you... you keep me mollycoddled here under 24/7 surveillance, sending guards after me if I'm a few minutes late? You hide me in some office where all I do all day long is push papers around!"
"Those are important things! You aren't a simple Captain anymore! Why don't you understand that you are a Prince?!"
"Prince? I might as well be a clerk! You keep taking away all of my authority and fussing over me like an overprotective mother goose! All the guardsponies are laughing at me because you won't even let me go to the toilet without an armed escort!"
"Well one of us has to try and keep up a royal appearance! If it wasn't for me, you would cause diplomatic incidents left and right! Even when I'm at your side, you somehow manage to blabber your mouth off to ambassadors and diplomats and we have to cover up for you afterwards so the dignitaries won't just cut ties with us! And while this is going on, you ungrateful... colt just worry about carousing!"
"So it's wrong for me to see my friends when I'm married?"
"Some friends!" Cadance cuts in with a powerful thump of her hoof on the plywood. "Taking you drinking till you pass out and get carried home covered in vomit and Celestia-knows what else? Those friends?"
"They didn't force a single drop into my mouth. Maybe I just went so I could get rid of you for just a few hours?"
"So you don't want to be close to me? Is that it?"
Shining Armor rears back from this newest assault.
"I never said that."
"That's what you meant!"
"No I didn't!"
"LIAR!" she screams. Two of the boxes closest to her slide away from her as her horn gains a dangerous glow.
Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!
"Sorry! I didn't mean it like that! Honest!"
"Didn't mean it? You didn't mean to leave me alone? You didn't mean to lie at me at every turn? You didn't mean to wreck our home out of spite?! You didn't mean to fire two of my oldest friends?"
"W-who?"
"Broomy and Dusty!"
"But... friends... I..."
"YES! They've been with me ever since I left home to get schooled in Trottingham! First they were my nannies, and then when I grew up, they stayed on as housekeepers! And yes, I call them friends!"
"I didn't know, okay?"
"You didn't bother to ask either!"
"But the stuff they said—"
"I'm sure you deserved every bit of it! The two of them have given me a good many scoldings, but they've always been for a good reason."
"They said I was..."
A humourless, lying idiot that destroys his own home and jerks off on the ruins...
"Said what? Do tell."
"I... they... that..."
Crap... they weren't wrong either.
He feels his heart sinking in his chest from defeat, and his ego starts packing its suitcases for a vacation, when...
That wasn't the point, was it?
"That I was being a dick and that I was trying to hide my... impotence."
"They would never say something like that! How could they even know?!"
"Maybe you told them? They told me that everypony knew! Now how could they do that, Cady? The only ponies who knew about it were you and the doctor. Are you telling me the doctor told your 'close friends' about it? Or was it you?"
Cadance steps back as if she'd been hit in the face. Her ears flatten against her head and her eyes shoot wide.
"I would never—"
"Would never what? 'Confide' with your two telltale maids that have nothing to do all day long but to gossip with the rest of the castle staff? That your hubby can't get it up in the bed?"
"I never told them something like that! And they'd never tell a soul of what happens here! They promised!"
"Promised, is it? Then how did they know!?"
"I don't... I..."
"And you call me a liar. How much of this did you plan with them? Who else is on this thing?"
"Shiny, that is absurd! You know I wouldn't do something like that!"
"Except you clearly did!"
"I... I can't take this! I just... you're horrible!" her voice breaks as she shouts the words out. "I just wanted to take care of you after what happened to you and you just... throw it all in my face!"
"And what would you know of what I've gone through?"
"Well... about the Queen and the mind magic and... uhm..." She stutters to a halt and looks away.
"Uhm? What 'uhm'?"
Please don't tell me...
"It's beside the point! Let's not talk about it." Her voice is just a pleading whisper. It alone tells Shining Armor everything he needs to know. The floor seems to start falling from underneath Shining Armor as his volatile braincells end up in a conclusion.
"You... knew? About me and the... Queen?"
"Y-yes.. I knew you... made love to her under the magic. And it's not—"
"HOW THE HELL CAN YOU KNOW SOMETHING LIKE THAT!?"
"The... maids told me. They changed the sheets and... knew."
"Those maids... those fucking maids."
"It's not their fault! Don't put this on them!"
"Well if they know, then the whole castle knows!"
"I told you they wouldn't—"
"Fuck that!"
"How dare you!?" She shouts and spreads her wings. "You spoiled little brat that can't go and play outside while I try to keep us together and try to help you get over it!?" With every shouted word she walks towards Shining Armor, her voice taking on a hollow echo as her magic is starting to flow over as her emotions take over. Her eyes glow once more, but this time in a fiery red. "How can you be so selfish? Don't you understand that for weeks the Queen kept me around just to feed on my feelings! I was her snack-bar! You, you, you... Don't you understand that i was stuck in the caves for weeks while you were in bed with the Queen! Did you ever even think how that felt, huh?! But nooo! All you do all day every day is mope around about being too safe in the castle and having to be a prince!? You have everything you could ever want and you want to throw it all away? You little ungrateful—"
They are now only inches away. Shining Armor feels the panic return, and tries to escape, but cannot. His only option is to try and fight back.
"Yes! I was screwing with that bug! And you know what? You know what?!"
A small voice somewhere in the back of his head tries to shout at him. Shut up! Don't say it!
He doesn't listen.
"She was way better in bed than you."
No! No! No! I didn't mean it! Why did I say that?!
The words make their way through the air. Every one of them is as heavy as cannonballs as they slam into Cadance. Her mouth lolls open in an expression of utter disbelief and disgust.
"How... how can you say something like that?"
Apologise! You can still make it, okay?!
"Oh and here's the kicker: There's nothing wrong with my stallionhood!"
"W-w-what? But... you..."
The hay I'm saying?
"Y-yeah! I can get off just fine without you!"
NOOO!
"In fact, I could probably get off with anypony else! But not you! Any other mare!"
He turns with a victorious smile on his face, only to see Cadance sitting on the floor, her head hanging low and tears running down her cheeks.
"Cady... I..."
"Is... do you mean there is somepony else?" she whispers.
Shining Armor takes a few steps from the sheer thought. And then several of his earlier fantasies run through his mind, making his stomach lurch.
"NO! I'd never... no!"
"Any other mare, you say? Who is it? Or they? How could you, Shining Armor?"
"NO! CADY! I'd never b-betray you!"
"LIAR! All you do is LIE! LIE! LIE!" Her every exclamation is marked with her hitting the floor with her hoof, sending cracks running on the surface of the plywood sheet. "You lied about going drinking! You lied about my friends! Where were you when you were late? Were you with somepony else?!"
"Cady... I'd never, ever do something like that!"
"Liar." She slowly gets up from the floor and takes a step towards Shining Armor. Her head is still drooping low and her balance is unsteady.
Another step.
And another.
Her head shoots up like a whip, and her furious eyes lock onto his. Her wings once again spread into their full length. She becomes a dark shape against the few candles giving light in the room.
Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!
She advances, step by step, closing in. Shining Armor falls onto his haunches and he scrambles backward, away from his wife. She advances still, no mercy or sympathy in her dark form.
Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!
"DON'T HURT ME AGAIN!" he shouts, throwing his hooves over his head. "STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! PLEASE NO!"
She's going to hit me. Or kick me. Or throw me on the wall. Or down the balcony. Broken bones. Concussions. Hurt! I don't want to get hurt!
"DON'T HURT ME!" He screams. It is not a sound a male stallion should be capable of, but he is. He screams and screams with his hooves covering his head from the incoming blows. The words soon fail him, and he can only keep screaming a desperate, primal whine. And every moment that he catches his breath, he wonders when the hurt will come.
But it never comes. His throat feels sore, but he doesn't know how long he has been shouting. Tears run freely from his eyes, but he doesn't even feel them. Only the burning in his eyes. His hooves are cramping, and he can't get them to move from their protective posture for a long time. When they eventually do, he finds himself alone in the ruins of his new home. Cadance is gone, and only the empty alien construction site greets him.
The night has been good for the young Corporal. He doesn't mind the late-night shift, because it gives him a lot of time to catch up on his newest marriage proposal. He is leaning back on his creaking chair that is tilted far back against a wall. His hindlegs are on the simple wooden table in front of him. The small whiny chimes coming from his lap are the only sounds in the clinically lit office. He's done with the evening's paperwork, and nopony is going to bother him until the next shift change in several hours... so it's just him and Luzette.
"Heya, girl. Look what I got today. Look at these babies! My newest breed of watermelon-grapes is a great success! So... I was wondering... Now that I have enough money to build a new wing for my farm we might finally, you know... move together? What I mean is... would you marry me, Luzette?"
Several loud thumps against the steel door startle him, and he falls from his seat, barely catching his hoofheld console in midair before it smashes against the floor. With a walrus-like agility he rolls on the floor, and gets up after the initial confusion clears from his mind. He trots to the steel door and slides the peep-hole open.
"Commander Armor! Sir! Nopony told me you were coming over for an inspection!"
"That's... at ease, Corporal. I'm only here to see somepony."
Still in quite a shock, the young stallion opens the door for the CO of his CO's CO's... the very important pony.
"Sir? Um... maybe you're mistaken, sir? Because... this is the jail, and I'm the only one here. It's... it's the night shift..." The rest of his words vanish into the abyss of confusion in his head when he sees the expression on Commander Shining Armor's face. His eyes are red and puffy, and the fur on his cheeks is clumped from something wet. But what really stops him from talking, and actually travels back in time to the era where the whole notion of speech as a way of communication was still pretty new and a closely guarded secret, is the Commander's expression. He isn't angry, or composed, or dignified, which are pretty much the only things he would ever expect to see on his face. Instead, the great white stallion standing in front of him looks broken and defeated, and it is mirrored in his ever dragging step and weak word.
"I'm here to see Lieutenant Iron Sight," he says.
The Corporal looks at him, and then finally understands that he is meant to do something at the moment. He points a hesitant hoof at the only other door in the room; a door that is built out of thick vertical steel bars. Shining Armor looks in the direction of the hoof, and then back to the quivering guardspony.
"Release him, please."
"But, sir, I... I..."
"Commander of the Guard. Prince. Also not in the mood. Release him."
In a career-defying move, the Corporal pulls down the collar of his armour to clear his throat with a cough, and then makes what he believes is the worst mistake of his life. "Sir... no, sir!"
"What did you just say to me, Corporal? No, is it?" his bloodshot red eyes turn their whole murderous glare on the hapless pony in front of him. "Did I not tell you that I am NOT in the mood? Now release him."
"Sir, on my dear old mum's blueberry pie, I can honestly say that there is nothing I would like to do more than obey right now, but I can not release the prisoner. He's been detained for treason, and only either Princess Celestia or Princess Luna can order his release, sir!"
"Treason?" The stare that the lowly sergeant receives is such that it would traditionally be associated to someone who's lost a very precious trinket to a midget.
"Y-yes, sir!"
"I see." The glare disappears, and with it, the whole of Shining Armor's being seems to shrink down to the size of his left nut. "Can... can I go talk to him?" he asks almost pleadingly.
Sensing a chance for continued survival, the Corporal walks briskly to his table and procures a paper. "That's like, interrogation, right? You just got to sign here and... yeah. That's about it. Let me get the door for you, sir."
Leaving the young guardspony to his silent prayers, Shining Armor walks into the short corridor of cells. They are only separated with rows of tightly set bars, and he can see the shape of his friend lying down on a hard cot from the door. Iron Sight is apparently the only prisoner.
As he walks for the last cell, the Lieutenant raises his voice to call out.
"You better be here for the martini I ordered, or you can bugger off right now."
"Very funny, Iron," Shining Armor says weakly.
"Cap'n? That you?" The white unicorn sits up on his cot. He is clad in a baggy orange shirt.
"Yeah. No martini though."
"You here to get me out then?"
"No."
"Oh."
They stare at each other for a moment in silence. Shining Armor sits down next to the cell wall, while Iron leans back onto the bars behind his cot.
"They call these prison bars, but they don't serve any drinks here. What's up with that?" he starts.
"Do you know what they're charging you with?"
"Yeah." His voice seems to lose a lot of its earlier chipperiness.
"I'm... sorry."
"Well, stuff happens. I'm sure it'll get cleared up, right?"
"Still... you're here because of me. I can't believe you are such an idiot that you'd try and take the blame for the whole mess. Especially because it's not true."
"What can I say? Was drunk." He chuckles.
Shining Armor hits the bars in front of him with a hoof.
"Treason, you idiot! How can you just laugh it off?! They must think that you got me messed up for political reasons! You might get banished!" He sighs and turns around, leaning against the bars. "And it's my fault." He thought his eyes had already shed every tear they could today, but a few prove him wrong.
"Cap... you crying?"
"...No," Shining Armor answers with a sniffle.
He hears some noises from behind him, and two hooves slam onto his shoulders from between the bars. "You're a fucking big baby, you know that?"
"Sorry. It's just... today's been... shit." He puts one of his hooves on one of his friend's. "Why aren't you angry at me?"
"Why would I be? I did the right thing and I'm not the one sobbing on a prison floor like a bawling little filly."
"Fuck you."
"Get me drunk first."
It starts as an angry growl in Shining Armor's throat. He is about to shout, scream, or maybe punch something. Instead, the growl turns into a cough, which in turn becomes a chuckle, in which the other pony soon joins in. The hooves leave his shoulders, but he feels Iron Sight lean onto him from behind. They are sitting back to back on the floor, only the bars separating them.
"Iron... I really messed up today," Shining Armor says.
"So I'm your confessor now?"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to start pushing my stuff—"
"Shut up, you big lug. I've got this nice confession booth, so I might as well listen. Not like I was going anywhere."
"Have I ever told you I love you, Iron?" Shining Armor says with a laugh.
"Sorry but yer married. I don't do married. Causes no end of trouble."
"Eh... you're telling me? It's not like I ended my marriage just now or anything."
"That bad, eh?"
"Yeah. Had a huge fight. And said plenty of stupid stuff."
"Isn't that what rows are for?" Shining Armor feels the pony behind him lean more comfortably against his back. "You remember to love her afterwards?"
Shining Armor does a dry spit-take with his tongue. "What!?"
"Oh, dear. That's not good at all. If you don't make love after a row, it's going to get bad." There's a trepidating intake of breath before he continues. "This because you can't get it up with her?"
"The hay?" Shining Armor turns around and slams his hooves on the bars again, but the other pony just calmly rests his head against them. After a few panting breaths, he gains his composure and falls back into his previous position. "They did say everypony knew, but I was hoping you didn't."
After a small pause of his breathing slowing down back to normal, he feels his eyes water yet again from the tears of shame. "Everypony knows."
"Well to be fair, mate, you told me yourself."
"Huh?"
"You told me all about yer little troubles when we were at the Club. You were pretty pissed."
"So were you."
"Not drunk enough to forget. I could hardly keep up with you. Looked like you'd ask Sam for a full barrel of his piss just so you could dive in and drown. So you decided to tell me all about it and I listened. Couldn't have stopped if I tried, mind you."
"I... I don't remember any of it." Shining Armor shakes his head, and a new idea appears in his mind. At first he just pushes it away, but it nags at him until it blurts out."
"Have... have you been talking to any maids?"
"Dunno. They any good looking? Never could say no to a frilly apron."
"Middle-aged and faces like cooked cabbage."
"Egads. No."
"Good. I guess." He hides his face between his hooves. "Or not. Means it was Cady."
"Mind adding me to the conversation here, Cap'n?"
Shining Armor starts his story from his waking up, followed by the events of the morning and finally and tearfully, the row and what he actually said to Cadance.
Iron Sight slowly shakes his head after the story has receded into mere sniffles. "Sheeit. What can a mate really say to something like that?"
"I know."
"Me own foray's into relationships have been worthy of being included in the Great Naval Battles Of History, so I can hardly help you out there, mate."
"It's okay. It really helped me out."
"Yeah, yeah. And my therapy bill will be in the mail. If there are mailboxes where they're going to ship me, that is."
"Won't let that happen and you know it, Iron."
"Pfft. Would be a good excuse to leave the Guard and travel I guess."
"Not. Funny."
"Then why are ye laughing?"
They both share a laugh, and this time it feels to Shining Armor like it had removed some of the poison in his body from earlier. He even feels his eyes droop half-lidded from the sheer relaxation.
"So as I was saying, I might not be the best one out there about relationships, but I sure do know a good mate when I see one."
"Mmmh."
"I'm not one for going all bleeding heart and tears over every mare I meet, but sometimes I gotta admit I'm pretty jealous of you. That Princess is way too good for you, mate, and yer a lucky bugger to have caught her eye. Seeing ye two together after the wedding gave me such a hard time that I didn't get sober for three days. I mean, ever since Basic we've been mates, yeah? So when ye came here, it felt like all those times when one of us was stuck with some sheetty duty or whatnot, and the other would just happen to hang around with maybe a canteen of lukewarm tea and we'd end up sitting like just now and talking our tails off. Remember those times, mate?
"Mm-hmm."
"And it'd always be about mares. I'd tell you about all the gorgeous plump-arsed lookers I'd spied on me latest leave, and you'd just sigh and talk about Cadance and how you missed her. Pining after her like some mad maiden trapped in her tower, growing yer mane so's a handsome Prince could come and save ye. And that damn photo you had of her too. Hay, you never missed a chance to take a peek at it. Or show it around. Until, was it Harper who said you were passing her around like a trophy girl and ye got up and punched him right then and there. Right in the teeth too. Remember Harper spitting up his teeth and you shouting at him never to call her that again or you'd break his neck, and me and the rest of the boys were trying to keep you away from him."
"Mmmm."
"Heh. Right you are. Never seen murder in a stallions eyes before, but that was the first. Ever since then I guess we all held her up as something precious. Like a fine treasure we'd never have a chance but to glance at a distance. And you bloody foal being head over heels for her. And then ye got and married her, ye git. And what does yer old mate from years ago get? First he's introduced to yer new wife, she all but bludgeons me on me head with a coatrack. Would have too if I wasn't as lucky as to have stumbled down the stairs from sheer tipsy. And throws me in jail for desserts. Some lady you got there. And would trade anything to be with her and not just this eternal bachelor without a degree."
There isn't an answer from behind him. Just a gentle snore. Iron Sight turns to look at the sleeping form of Shining Armor, and pushes his tongue out.
"And there we have it. Ye bugger come here crying to yer mate when he's in a cell, and what do ye do? Ye bleed yer heart all over me and fall asleep like a foal after a carnival. You selfish little shit, eh?"
He leans back against the other pony, careful not to wake him up.
"Wouldn't have it any other way, ye tosser," he says with a grin and closes his own eyes too.
A warm summer meadow surrounds Shining Armor. The gentle warm wind rustles the leaves under a starlit night sky. He is lying on his back, and when he recognises the place, he groans.
"Is it too much to ask? Really?"
"Hello, nephew."
Princess Luna's face appears upside down into his vision.
"Princess Luna," he says curtly. The words still seem to hit home as the Princess backs away.
"You don't seem too happy to see me"
He sits up but doesn't turn to look at Princess Luna. "After all the stuff today, I guess I was hoping for a good night's sleep without too much dreams."
"You always see dreams. What you remember when in the waking world is quite different—"
"Yadda yadda yadda." He waves a dismissing hoof to his side. "Everypony knows that. It's just that I'd rather had a night where I don't remember them."
"So... you do not want to see me?" Her voice is more muted than usual, and has a slight squeak to it.
"I'd rather not see anypony right now. I just need to rest up so I can think of what to do tomorrow. It's going to be a hard day."
"But... I can't help but notice that there is something... should I say... more personal in your wish to be alone?" She tries to circle around the stallion, but he turns to look the other way.
"You might say that."
"Have I offended you somehow, nephew?" Again, the very un-princesslike squeak enters her voice.
"No, not really. It's just that... I'm not trying to shift the blame here, but maybe you telling me to go out and party might have been a bad idea after all."
"It was one from the beginning. And you knew it as well as I did. And at least now you got to celebrate the night away."
"Yeah, that's just fantastic. And then I come home from 'celebrating'", he air-quotes with his hooves, "and get my friend into jail and five guardsponies into the hospital."
"Did you throw him into the cell?"
"Well... no... but—"
"Did you hurt the guards?"
"Of course not! I—"
"Then why do you feel guilt over what somepony else did?"
"Because it is my fault. If I hadn't been out partying..." his voice trails off into the whispers of the summer breeze. He only looks blankly into the distance.
"We can never see what will happen in the future. Nor can we ever change the past... even though how much we might want to. If you had known how the events would unfold, would you have done as you did?"
"No, I wouldn't."
"The events happened because of one another, but were you the cause for those misfortunes? Not in my opinion."
"But if I hadn't come home drunk—"
"Then things would have come to a head in some other way."
"Yeah, maybe." He swallows a lump from his throat before continuing. "And... I don't think your nice dreams helped too much either."
"My dreams?"
"Yeah. You kinda told me you'd send Cady some nice dreams so she wouldn't be so angry in the morning."
"I did... but she did not enter my domain that night."
"She didn't what?" He turns to look at the Princess who is still standing a bit away from him. "But... I must have come home way past midnight."
"She did visit me that night, but only briefly in the few hours before dawn. And I did make sure she had a nice dream of visiting an amusement park with your sister as a foal. Seems it was a fond memory of hers."
"But... that means that she'd been up all night... and then I came in with the guards and... Oh dear Celeserrr... I mean... She must have been waiting for me... and too afraid to fall asleep. I didn't even... "
"It would seem so."
"That would explain why she seemed so weird in the morning. She was probably so tired and after what happened during the night..."
"I believe you are not so much thinking about the morning as much as what happened in the evening with your spouse?"
"Figures you'd know about it. Seems everypony at the castle knows pretty much everything about me and Cady. Except for maybe myself."
"Or it might be the fact that most of your windows were broken for some reason and I was on my balcony, raising the moon." She sits beside Shining Armor, and this time he doesn't turn away, but only keeps staring into the dark forest. "When faced with trouble, it is easy to lose perspective of your situation and deem the world to be against you."
"Well it is a bit hard not to think that way when even the maids talk about my impotence."
A startled coughing makes him turn to look at Princess Luna, whose dark blue cheeks have turned a deep purple.
"Um... Luna?"
"I know the times have changed, but I still find it difficult to talk of such intimate things so openly."
"I don't like it either, but seems that's what it's like to be a Prince. No intimacy whatsoever." He leans back to rest his elbows on the ground. "So... can I ask who told you? Cadance?"
"Ahem," she tries to clear her throat, but still has trouble answering. "The nature of your problem was not clear to me before you told it just now."
"Whagahueeeh?!" Shining Armor jumps up and looks at the Princess, who has turned her back to him in an attempt to hide her blush. "You didn't know!?"
She coughs once more before answering. "I did not."
"So you didn't... I just... to... and you and... gahargh!?"
"Quite."
"I'm so sorry! I didn't think that... I thought everypony knew! Because the maids told me that the whole castle knew about it! That's why I got so angry with Cady and... You really didn't know?" The Princess only shrugs. "Oh for Luna's sa... I mean... oh... dear." He turns away and sits down with his back to the Princess. "I just mess everything up."
They sit in the silence for a moment that seems to stretch to eternity. Shining Armor's mind is racing, looking for possible explanations for his actions, but keeps coming up short. He is contemplating on if he should ask for the Princess to dig him a hole so deep he could jump in and never stop falling, when—
"This isn't probably my turn to say, but... should you maybe visit a doctor?"
"W-what? Aren't you angry at me for telling you... that?"
"If I understand correctly, you were under the impression that I was already in the know about the thing. Even if it was a bit of a... surprise at the time."
"Sorry."
"You are forgiven."
"No, what I mean is, I'm sorry about earlier too. I accused you of not helping Cadance out, when you promised to do it out of kindness. It was really stupid of me."
"T-thank you. I was a bit put off by it, but didn't want to say anything."
"But... Can I ask you one thing?" When the Princess nods, he continues. "Why did you decide to help me? I mean... you're usually, I mean... you don't really talk too much with ponies. Sure, I've seen you around Princess Celestia a lot but... that's it."
"I..." The Princess once again blushes. "Actually... I... wanted to become your friend."
"Huh?"
"I know. It's just a silly thought I had. When I visited Ponyville, I met with your sister and her friends, and they really seemed to enjoy each other's company. And Tia keeps talking about your sister and her studies into friendship, and I thought that because you are her brother, you might be... nice?"
"Durrr..."
"And you've never been afraid of me. Almost everypony else is. They look at me and only see Night... what I used to be. But you treated me like any other pony." She blushes even more. "You even called me Luna."
"Huh... well... actually... I really thought you were scary. But you always looked so... well at first I thought you were tired or bored, and I thought you had trouble staying up during the day... but I guess you looked more like lonely sometimes. And when we crashed into each other and you teased me and just laughed... You seemed so different."
"I... may have been acting slightly foolish at the time."
"Well, that and when you told me out of the blue that I should go out and party and worry about what comes in the morning. That was really weird."
"To be honest, the thought of you going out to celebrate my night with your friends filled me with joy. It was very unusual for ponies to stay up after dark for fear of predators in my time, and you thought nothing of it."
"Err... it's pretty common to go out at night..."
"And I love this age for it!" Princess Luna jumps up and skips around the meadow. The stars in the sky above dance as she swirls around, her mane drawing new constellations in the black canvas of the heavens. "All the lights and the music, and the ponies celebrating the night, working, partying, drinking or just admiring the stars! The night is no longer shunned and feared! Ponies embrace it!" She turns to Shining Armor and grabs him in a tight hug. "And I could not be happier!"
Flabbergasted at the sudden show of fondness, Shining Armor hugs the Princess back gingerly and pats her back. She deposits him back onto the grass.
"I... did I do something I shouldn't have? I'm sorry... I... I got a bit carried away."
Her expression reminds Shining Armor of a little filly who has been caught with her hoof inside a cookie jar. The surreal thought combined with one of the most powerful and majestic creatures in the world makes him laugh, and he can't stop before his stomach is cramping.
"So... you aren't angry?" she asks.
"No...*snort* no. It's just that... You're so different from what you seem like during the day. I'm sure you'd have dozens of people laughing and smiling with you wherever you go if you were like this."
The Princess sits down on the grass, smiling, but with sad eyes.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"I... could never act like this outside of the dreaming. Ponies would think me mad. I have to fulfill so many expectations that I can't even bow to somepony without waving my tail to somepony else."
"Yeah. I know what you mean. Or at least that's what Cady keeps telling me." A great big sigh escapes his lips as he falls back onto the grass, covering his forehead with his hooves. "What the hay am I going to say to her?"
"Well, even though the particulars of your argument are not known to me, there are a few simple rules that have existed for aeons."
"There are?" he gets up to lean on his elbows again.
"Yes." Princess Luna sits down on her haunches and lifts her forehoof in the air like a teacher. "Bring her chocolate, flowers, sincerity and your true self."
"Seriously? That's it?"
"What? Chocolate has ended more border skirmishes than any amount of pies, and no mare I know has ever been able to resist a bouquet of roses."
"And the rest?"
"Well, those are the easy ones. Are you in love with Cadance?"
"Yeah... I guess. But it's so hard to feel like it when there's so much stuff and—"
"Is that a yes?"
"Y-yeah."
"Then why not start by telling her that, and work from there?"
"But it's not that simple... what I said to her today and what I feel about her and—"
"Don't really matter if you two love each other."
"Oh. But—" his last attempt at an objection is ended with a dark blue hoof touching his lips.
"No buts. Trust Auntie Lulu on this one." She smiles, her mouth in a wide grin and sparkles in her eyes. "I really need to get back to work. Now... when I count to three, you will fall into a very deep sleep...
One
Two
Th..."