"Apple."
"Egg."
"Grapefruit."
"Thyme."
"Eclair."
"Radish."
"Hummus."
"S... S..." Trixie thought for moment, her eyes screwed shut in concentration. "Sandwich!"
"Hamburger."
She frowned. "What's a hamburger?"
"Trust me, you don't wanna know."
"Hmmm..." The pale blue unicorn's brow furrowed in thought for a moment as we walked along the dirt road in the middle of nowhere. "R... R... R... Reg... ulus. Regulus."
"That's not a food!"
"Yes it is! It's an Equestrian dish! With lots of cucumber!"
I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. "Why is it that whenever we play this I find out about a new Equestrian food that I've NEVER heard of before, and you always end up winning because of it!?"
She shrugged and kept walking, a slightly disturbing sight considering she was a quadruped. "'Tis the price of sucking." She replied simply.
"You know, I'm gettin' REAL tired of your shit, Trixie."
The unicorn looked affronted for a moment, but then just huffed sulkily and flipped her icy-blue mane over her shoulder, holding her nose high up in the air. Silent treatment? I could live with that.
The two of us had been travelling for four days towards some unknown destination in search of some unknown ancient artifact of 'unimaginable power'. Whatever it was, it apparently wasn't anywhere near civilzation of any kind, for the two of us had walked for days (me, of course, carrying all of the camping supplies that I barely got to use) without seeing a town, and I was beginning to worry. We were low on food, and I was pretty damn sure Trixie wouldn't be making us any "Regulus".
We walked in silence for a while, and my thoughts began to trail off. I wonder what Applejack's doing right now? It's about noon... She's probably finishing up the last few apple trees before lunch time with Big Mac, Granny Smith, and Apple Bloom. I smiled to myself as I remembered how the red headed filly had, the day before I was abducted, attempted to induct me into the Cutie Mark Crusaders, much to Applejack's chagrin.
"James already told y'all, humans don't get cutie marks!"
"But Applejack," she had whined, "Havin' an alien in the club might be just the kick we need to get our 'Alien Ambassador' cutie marks!"
"Apple Bloom, if y'all DO manage to get Alien Ambassador cutie marks, than you'll have ONE Alien to actually be an Ambassador for."
"... Okay, so no aliens."
Thinking about it still brought a warm feeling, and my smile widened slightly. No matter how miserable I was being Trixie's pack mule (irony) in a grand game of terrorist pony chess, at least I still had my friends back in Ponyville. At least... I hope I do. I dunno what these jerks were gonna do with Twilight, but I had a feeling it wasn't too good.
"Human!" Trixie barked, startling me and causing me to jump.
"Alright, is 'James' really that hard to remember? It's one syllable. One."
"The Great and Powerful Tr-" She began, but I cut her off with an un-amused grunt.
"Spare me, Sparkly Wand." I must have heard her use that damn title like... a million times, now.
She huffed again. "We shall be reaching the town of Silverberg in three hours time. Whilst there, we must procure some information from the locals. The Great and Powerful Trixie shall do all of the talking, understand? Under no circumstances may you open your mouth, lest you incur Trixie's wrath. Oh, and if you run for help..." She paused and grinned. "Zap."
I grimaced at the memory of the first time I tried to seek assistance from a pony we passed on the trail. There had been a flash of red, a lot of pain, and some embarrassing convulsions. "... Fine. In return, you admit Regulus isn't a real food."
If she heard me, she gave no indication of it, and just kept up a brisk trot in front of me. You know what, I think I'll just order a helping of 'Regulus' next time we're in town. Then we'll see who the clever one is.
We continued for another couple hours in relative silence. We only passed one other pony, a unicorn who looked at me like I was from another planet. Appropriate. Finally, I decided to press Trixie for some more answers. What did I have to lose?
"Hey, Blue Magic!" I called up to her, and she turned her head. "C'mere!"
She flashed me a look of disdain, but dropped back to walk next to me anyway. "What is it, monkey?"
"I just wanted to talk." I flashed her a disarming smile and gave her a little pat on the head, which earned me quick zap to the hand. "Okay. No touching. That's cool." I waved my hand trying to get the pain out and sighed. "Why are you doing this, Trixie?"
A look of confusion. "What do you mean?"
"Why are you helping those Discord Cultists? They're some seriously nasty pieces of work. And while you're not exactly a peach, you don't strike me as an inherently bad perso- pony. Besides, they told me themselves; they don't care about anyone outside of their little clique. They won't give you a position of power."
She laughed, surprising me. "This isn't about power, my naive little human. This is about revenge, against the foolish unicorn Twilight Sparkle!" As she finished talking, she reared up on her back hooves and summoned some lightning to flash in the background. Classy.
"Twilight? What did she do to you?"
And so, she explained to me how she, a humble and eager showmare, had arrived in Ponyville one day with hopes to 'wow' the locals. However, Twilight Sparkle and all of her friends made fun of her, and called her terrible names. Then, they put two neighborhood colts up to finding an Ursa Minor in the nearby Everfree Forest in order to kill her. Crying, she fled town, and when she looked back, she witnessed Twilight Sparkle murder a puppy and drink its blood.
"So when did Megatron show up?" I asked, reminded of a certain drunken story I may or may not have fabricated.
"Excuse me?"
"Nothing. So Twilight Sparkle tried to murder you, and now what?" I was getting excited. She was close to slipping, I just knew it.
"Now we go to Silverberg and acquire the Map of Supreme Destiny," She stated smugly, looking at me as if I should be deeply impressed.
I whistled. "Dramatic. Again, I have to ask, why do you need me for this?"
She released a deep, drawn out sigh and dramatically rolled her eyes. I had to admit, as much as I thought she was a bitch, she certainly did know how to put on a good show. "Because if ponies touch it they-" She froze, and glared at me. "Mind your own business!" She shouted and trotted ahead again.
"Actually, it kind of is my business!" I called after her. Jerk. I hefted the heavy backpack I was toting and jogged to catch up to her. Not gonna lie, so far this wasn't one of my better vacations.
"So... this is Silverberg..." I stated unnecessarily. Obviously it was Silverberg, we were standing in front of a giant, silver sign that read "Welcome to Silverberg: Mystery Capital of Equestria". It was actually a really pretty town; a giant mountain loomed in the near distance, and a waterfall crashed down from somewhere halfway up the behemoth. A giant lake pooled at the bottom, and the town was built a short distance from there. The lake itself was bathed an orange colour in the sunset, and a multitude of trees stood around it's shores, lending the area a very tranquil, sleepy feeling. Already I decided that I liked it here. The houses themselves were built large and sturdy, and it reminded me a little bit of Ponyville, but smaller.
"Hey, Trix, this place is actually pretty romantic. I'm flattered," I teased.
For a moment, she gave me a look I wasn't quite able to comprehend. It was somewhere between revulsion and deep, disturbing curiosity. Okay, no more using the 'r' word. I shifted uncomfortably, and hefted the heavy load on my back, feeling the straps dig in to the large, ill-fitting travel coat I had been provided. My still badly scarred chest was easily visible through the open jacket, and I wondered if I would ever totally heal.
"R-romantic!? This!? Please! Trixie has seen better romantic settings be dropped from a dragon's behind!" She laughed nervously, and I shuddered a little. Didn't need THAT mental image.
"Right. So where are we headed here, Trixie? Doesn't seem to be a whole lot of places that scream 'Powerful Artifacts, ten bits a pop.'" I asked, looking around at the few ponies who were still out and about. Most of them gave me some weird looks, but I didn't care. After spending this long on an alien planet, weird looks were as commonplace as breathing.
"We're meeting a contact in the local tavern. Remember; no talking, and if you try and run off, you'll be burnt to a crisp."
I sighed. "Story of my life..." Soon, the two of us were walking through Silverberg, and I found myself quickly entranced by the subtle beauty of the town. Despite it being summer, leaves coated the ground, creating a beautiful orange blanket in which the local townsfolk all swished through, little clouds of leaves puffing up here and there from their movement. Actually, it kind of reminded me of home.
Dad and I used to avoid raking the leaves for as long as possible so that we could heap a ton of them into one large pile for us to play in. I remember this one time, some of our neighbours passing the house were whispering amongst themselves that ever since my mom and sister passed away, my father stopped taking care of our place. But they didn't understand. They would never understand. We did what we did in order to share something special; not to appeal to public opinion on who's home had the best curb appeal.
Actually, it was about that time of year, again. Maybe dad was raking the leaves up as I stood here, arranging them in a huge heap, just like the old days. Sure, I was too old to play in leaves now, but... even the mere creation of a monument to happier days would be welcome, whether or not it was actually used.
An irritating, droning noise disturbed my reflections and I blinked rapidly, removing the layer of glaze that had formed over my eyes. What...?
"...ut then, suddenly, Twilight Sparkle. Her face covered in puppy blood and laughing maniacally, I watched in horror as she slowly turned around, lit her horn up, and-"
Of course. "Trixie," I interrupted.
"Hmm?"
"You've told me this one."
"Ah. Well the Great and Pow-"
"I swear to God, finish that sentence and we're going to have a serious problem."
Trixie glared at me for a moment, and stopped her steady march through Silverberg's ever present blanket of leaves. "You know, for somepony who cracks a lot of bad jokes, you have a startling intolerance for the quirks of others."
My eye twitched, and I could feel anger rising through me, a red hot wave scorching its way though my heart. "You know, it might have something to do with the fact that I was knocked unconscious, tortured, enslaved, and dragged all across Equestria in search of some overblown map."
"Cry Trixie a river, build a bridge, and get over it." She sniffed, and just kept walking. That pony really pushes my peeve button. Then again, most of the ponies that I've been meeting these days have been. "Now then, human, we are coming up on the local tavern, The Wary Griffon. True to its name, the bartender and owner of this less than stellar establishment is a very wary griffon, and many of his customers are also griffons. They are a proud race, and if you slight them in any way, they will very likely attack you. So effective immediately, you are not to speak. Is Trixie clear?"
I merely nodded. Talking to the blue pony was getting very old, very quickly anyways. She smiled at my mute motion and continued onwards to a large, stone building that was brimming with life and energy. While outwardly it was cold and grey, golden light leaked through the windows, and the sounds of music and raucous laughter echoed out from within. I pulled the old 'not bad' face, and the two of us started for the entrance. Maybe I could get a drink while I was here.
As soon as the oak door swung open, however, all signs of life froze where they were. Ponies and griffons alike stopped mid motion and stared at us. The huge amounts of noise dropped drastically in an instant, and I suddenly understood why Trixie didn't want me to talk. I was guessing these folks didn't see new faces too often, much less an alien one.
Slowly, the two of us made our way across the dead-silent tavern. You know, back on Earth, I'd seen my fair share of horror movies. The Shining, Insidious, you know... typical fare. But being in an absolutely silent room filled with creatures all staring daggers at you was damn near the creepiest thing I've ever experienced. After an awkward ten seconds of ambling forwards, the two of us found an empty table and took a couple seats, leaving three more empty. Presumably for Trixie's contacts.
"Remember," she whispered, "not. A. Word."
I nodded again, and dropped my gaze to the rough, circular table we were seated at and tried to look nonchalant. After a brief time, life began to pick back up in the bar, and ponies and griffons resumed their merry-making, albeit with some cautious glances thrown in. After a short time, a grey unicorn mare with an unkempt, shaggy coat approached our table.
"What's yer poison?" She asked in a backwater British accent. Great, I'd found Rarity from Hell.
"Trixie will have a flagon of hard cider. My monkey won't have anything." Trixie replied for both of us, and I shot her a sour look. Monkey!? That wasn't gonna fly.
"I'll have a cider too, actually," I piped up, and the bar went silent again.
"OI!" Nega-Rarity yelled, "This thing kin talk!"
Well there goes that plan.
"Oh, no no no!" Trixie backpedaled, eyes flashing with barely suppressed anger. "He's just like a parrot! He likes to repeat simple phrases he hears! Really, he's quite the dolt."
The haggard looking grey mare stared at me for a moment, and I fought to hold a sneer of disgust. Until she proved she could make me a sweet purple t-shirt, I wasn't terribly impressed with the loud mouth. "... Well tha's pretty cute, I guess..." she mumbled. "OI! FALSE ALARM EVERYPONY! Ee's just a parrot monkey!"
Some general mumbles of approval, and conversation resumed again.
"WHAT did Trixie tell you about talking!?" My rude companion hissed, and I shrugged in a very 'deal with it' manner. I'm a grown man. What the hell are a bunch of ponies gonna do to a grown man?
Other than kidnap, torture, and force me to go on an evil road trip with Mean Magic over here.
Minutes passed, and I was beginning to get restless. Every now and then, Trixie would glance at a silver pocket watch she had concealed in her cape, before taking a small sip of her cider. At least that mare had levitated me a mug of cider, as per my request. It pissed Trixie off a little, but that didn't bother me for some strange, unknowable reason.
Finally, three new griffons entered the bar and made their way to our table. I had to assume they were regulars due to the fact that the world didn't end upon their entrance, a fact I filed away mentally. If I ever got out of here, knowing that Silverberg was host to some shady characters would prove useful in Celestia's investigation into the Discord Cultists.
Our business partners took their seats, and Trixie snorted. "You're late."
The griffon in the middle, a female by the sounds of her voice, rolled her eyes. "Don't you lecture me, Trixie. We have the map. See?" She grabbed a dusty, aged scroll out of her bags, and placed it on the middle of the table, eyeing me carefully. The other two griffons, males from the looks of them, nodded and cracked their talons menacingly. At least, it would have been menacing had these things not been around half my height. I was beginning to wonder if maybe I was only brought along to intimidate. If so, they could have picked way better humans.
"Unfortunately," She continued, "We ran into some trouble getting it. We're gonna have to up the ante."
"Up the ante...!?" Trixie looked worried. "We agreed on five-hundred bits, Gilda!"
The female, Gilda, shrugged. "Times change, Trixie. It'll be one-thousand bits now." She leaned back in her chair, and the corners of her beak rose up in a smug little smile. I hate smug.
"One-thousand bits!? That's outrageous!" The blue unicorn spluttered. "All you had to do was swipe it from a stinking museum!"
"Well if it was so easy, why didn't you do it!?" The raspy voice of the griffon responded, getting steadily louder.
"Because the Great and Powerful Trixie, unlike some less reputable ponies, does not soil her hooves with grunt work."
"Grunt work!?" Gilda fumed, and slammed a talon on the table, cutting small grooves into the wood. Okay, that was kind of intimidating. "Do you know how long we had to plan to break in there!?"
"Just because you were too dim to figure out how to relieve a single piece of paper from the Royal Equestrian Museum of History, it doesn't make it any less grunt-y." Heh. Gruntie. Like Banjo-Kazooie. Dammit, James, focus!
"Fifteen-hundred bits!" Gilda shouted, and her friends started spreading their wings, attempting to make themselves look bigger.
"We had a deal, griffon," Trixie spat, rising slowly from the small chair.
"The deal changed, unicorn," She replied, and the three griffons also began rising. I really didn't like where this was going.
"Trixie..." I murmured, keeping my seat. "Let's not let this get out of hand..."
"SILENCE!!!" Trixie screamed at me, eyes wide and mane flying behind her. Fine. be that way. The rest of the bar was silent again, and I silently considered the possibility that there was like a reverse "applause" sign hidden somewhere in here, letting everyone know when shit was going down. "YOU SHALL RELINQUISH THE MAP, FEATHERBRAIN!"
"NOT A CHANCE, HORN HEAD!" All of them were standing now, leaning over the table and staring daggers at each other, Trixie looking vastly outnumbered.
I sighed, finished off my cider, reached over for Trixie's, finished hers, and got up. "Alright, folks, let's keep our hats on-"
"OI! It DOES TALK!!!" Alright, I'm buying a muzzle for Bizarro over there. I shot her a withering glare, and held my hands up.
"Look, we can all walk out of here without incident. Trixie, pay them the thousand. Gilda, was it? Fifteen-hundred bits is a little much. However, we appreciate your services, and thank you greatly for them." Who says I was a bad negotiator?
"YOU DARE TALK DOWN TO ME, ALIEN FREAK!?" Gilda screeched, flexing her claws and spreading her wings. Well fuck.
"Kick its ass, Gilda!"
"Don't let him talk to you like that!"
"Somebody make this thing into a rug!"
"HAS HE NOW SHAME!?"
The other patrons of the tavern were screaming for my blood, and a general atmosphere of anarchy was forming. "Wha...!? I was trying to avoid this!" I yelled out at the crowd, shocked.
"It's lying now, too!?"
"THE HORROR! THE HORROR!"
"EVERYPONY RUN!"
"Stand your ground! We shall slay this foul beast yet!"
I gulped, and heard a little 'ahem' from beside me. Trixie was glaring at me with an eyebrow raised, eyes flashing with barely suppressed anger. "Remember what I told you about keeping your mouth shut?" I considered pointing out that she had spoken in first person, but quickly realized that this wasn't the time.
I nodded, and glanced around at the crowd slowly closing into our table, Gilda and her flunkies staring us down. "Ya... Ya, I might remember something about that." The crowd of ponies and griffons was drawing tighter around us, and I could practically feel the hatred in their collective gaze.
Trixie cleared her throat, and kicked her chair away. "EVERYPONY!" She yelled out to the advancing mob, "There's something you should all know. This creature is, in fact, not a parrot monkey. Indeed, Trixie does not even believe that such a ludicrous thing exists."
"Kinda like regulus...?"
"However, it does come equipped with laser eyes, super strength, and the ability to suck out your souls with its omnivorous mouth. And yes, it does eat ponies."
Silence. The crowd stopped advancing, and even Gilda seemed subdued for a moment. The wooden floorboards creaked under the collective weight of all the bar patron and I grinned at them weakly, showing off my canine teeth.
"Now then!" Trixie continued, "We shall be on our way! If anyone follows us, my beast shall not hesitate to munch upon your bones in front of your family, a deed that it seems to enjoy a little too much." Slowly, we started backing away from the table, through the splitting crowd. We were actually gonna make it out of here!
"He eats ponies, huh?" Gilda piped up. "Well, she didn't say anything about griffons. GET 'IM!"
There was a flurry of movement as every griffon in the bar all leaped at me simultaneously. "WOAHFUCK!" I cried out, and threw myself backwards, narrowly avoiding a deadly flurry of talons and snapping beaks. "TRIXIE! TIME TO GO!"
"RIGHT BEHIND YOU!" She screamed, and levitated the map into her saddle bag. Gilda's buddies released an enraged squawk, and lunged at her, predatory instinct aflame in their eyes. Trixie squealed and leapt into my arms, earning her a surprised glare from me. "MOVE IT, JAMES, GOGOGO!"
I nodded and took off running, Trixie screaming in my arms and trembling with fear. It would be cute if she wasn't such a bitch. A huge, brown and gold griffon threw a punch my way as I passed him, forcing to me duck underneath his overly muscled arms. The blow did, however, connect with a pony I was passing at the time, and his buddies all roared their outrage, jumping into the fray to exact their vengance.
A full on bar-brawl had broken out, tables flipping and mugs shattering. A pony sailed past me, and slammed painfully into the wall next to the door. I kept running, hopping over debris and sidling around sparring beasts of mythology. Never thought I'd see the day...
"THE MAP!" A familiar voice cried out from behind me, and I turned my head to see Gilda soaring at me, claws outstretched. She was moving fast, too fast to dodge. So I did the next best thing.
Without thinking, I turned and lifted Trixie up and out of the way with my left arm, whilst at the same time bringing my right arm around in a swinging motion. My fist made contact squarely between her eyes, and she released a pained caw before she was sent flying right back into the confused mass of drunk, violent creatures. I spun on my heel and dashed out the door, feeling mighty proud of myself.
I ran for what seemed to be hours, eager to put as much distance as possible between myself and the town of Silverberg. What shame; it had actually seemed to be a pretty nice place. Quickly, we made our way towards the towering mountain, seeking refuge in the rocky spire.
"Alright... Trixie..." I panted as we reached its base, "Can you... phew... can you find us a little cave or something?"
She scoffed. "Please! The Great and Powerful-"
"Not. Another. Word."
The blue mare bit her lip and nodded, lighting up the rocks with a small light emanating from her horn. Thankfully, it seemed there was a small, inwards curvature just large enough for a human and a pony to curl up in for the night. Slowly, we squeezed in, lamenting the loss of our camping supplies, which had been left behind.
"Well..." I said, shifting around so I could talk to my over-zealous slaver face to muzzle, "At least you got your map."
"Yes..." She mumbled, fidgeting with her hooves. She looked lost in thought for a moment, before she raised her head to make eye contact with me, a new, strange light burning in them.
"You were very brave, James," Trixie said suddenly, which surprised me.
"Uh... Thanks, Sherry Showmare."
She pressed in closer to me. Oh god.
"Trixie perhaps misjudged you."
She was forcibly pushing on me now, her face coming creepily closer to mine. "You saved Trixie tonight. Trixie thinks that she should reward her loyal sidekick."
Her face was directly in front of mine now, and I considered just screaming madly and surrendering myself back to the griffons. This had to be a dream, or a nightmare. There was no way that this was really happening.
"You may kiss Trixie, if you like." Her lips puckered expectantly, and she closed her eyes. There it was. The queen of bi polar unicorns herself, ladies and gentlemen.
I placed a hand on her mouth, gently pushing her away and giving her a broad grin. "Frankly, Trix, I'd rather kiss the griffon."