Chapter 6: A Change of Pace
"Greetings dear audience," the combination of animals greeted as it took its pipe out of its mouth and closed the book it was reading. The fireplace next to it warmed its body quite nicely and created quite the atmosphere for the room. "Now you may be wondering what happened at the end of the last chapter," Discord continued with a calm smile on his face, giving his pipe a puck, "Well obviously I was freed. And being the generous dracona-whatever that I am I have decided to free you of your normally atrocious author."
See? I now control how things are wri "tten. If I want Pinkie Pie to eat" chocolate rocks then by god the sky is purple.
"But regardless," the chimera chuckled, "you must all be wondering about the plot now. Well as it just so happens uncle Discord here has a story prepared." Casually he held up the book he had been looking through. On the title was written "Discord's Greatest Tales (The New and Improved Edition)".
"So without further ado," he said flipping to the page he had closed the book at, "Let's get started shall we?"
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Chapter 1: Alicorns on a Train
"Are we there yet?" Luna whined. Celestia looked at her sister and did the most dramatic frown ever.
"IT TAKES TIME TO GET TO APPLELOOSA!" she screamed. Luna started crying tears of blood and spasming uncontrollably with each heaving sob.
"I just wanted a mega slush!" she cried.
"That's it!" Zecora said suddenly bursting down the cabin door, two tommy guns in each hand, "I'm sick and tired of these motherfucking Alicorns on this mother fucking train!"
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"This has been the most romantic night ever," Twilight Sparkle sighed leaning her on the much larger than normal Spike's shoulder. The moon shining high above glistened upon their forms as the train rattled along the tracks. The gunfire in the other car could hardly be heard with the atmosphere that surrounded them. It was simply magical. Even in Canterlot there hadn't been such a scene that came with the rushing landscape that swept past them. The night had just been completely perfect.
"This day couldn't get any better," Twilight stated dreamily. A grin began to form on Spike's face.
"Oh I think I know a way it could," he countered scooping the delicate pony up in his strong arms. Twilight blushed.
"And what would that be?" she gave a small smile. Spike's smile just grew as he carried the female into their cabin and laid her on their bed. After making sure the door they'd come through was locked he layed down next to her. Slowly he stroked his claws along her neck, the fingers massaging each hair they came across. Twilight let out a soft purr and nuzzled her snout into his shoulder. Unable to resist the urge any longer Spike placed his other claw further down her back and leaned over a bit so that he was directly above her. The two stared at each other for what seemed like ages just enjoying the beauty of their presence and the burning within their eyes.
"You sure this is safe?" Twilight asked.
"You sure you'd be able to say no if it wasn't?" Spike replied. Knowing the answer Twilight pressed her lips against his.
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"Well that takes care of those damn flying horned freaks," Zecora wiped the crimson liquid from the barrel of guns, "Now to j-"
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"Hold the fucking phone!" Spike yelled angrily tearing the book out of the spirit of chaos' clutches. Discord was startled by the intervening to say the least, especially from a creature of such little power in comparison to his eternal element.
"Alright, let me get this straight, you go through that whole romance scene and then just cut away when it gets good? What the hell!" Spike fumed, "I mean yeah, it might be disturbing, but when you get that far in and then just pull out it's a fucking tease, even to those involved!"
"Yeah!" Twilight growled stomping forward, "it's obvious we wouldn't even get close to doing that stuff this early on if the story had remained the same, but I was getting in the mood with that crap!"
"Everyone's a critic," Discord grumbled grabbing the book back, "Look, if you think you can do better how's about you give it a shot kiddo?"
"Gladly!" Rainbow Dash flew into the study with Fluttershy.
"Why shoot howdy, why wasn't I even there?" Applejack gave her error, "It was going to Appleloosa! My kin's there! Not to mention poor wittle-"
"No one cares about your tree," Rarity rolled her eyes.
"And thy great dishonor was done to me!" Zecora hissed from behind the chair, "For my rhyme scheme was a tragedy!"
"FINE!" Discord yelled. Furiously he jumped up and threw the book back at the chair, "If we're gonna have to sit through all of you telling your little crappy stories I'm getting some hot chocolate...anyone else want anything?"
"Coffee."
"Hot Chocolote."
"Chai Tea."
"Chocolate chocolate with extra chocolate."
"Apple Juice, thank ya kindly."
"Hot Chocolate."
"Hot Gemnectar."
"Herbal Steamed Liquid."
Once the deity had departed the rest of the cast looked between each other.
"...so who goes first?" Spike asked.
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Chapter 1: The Hour of the Rainbow
Alright, so ya see, here's the deal. It was a dark and stormy night, and Ponyville was practically getting blown off the map. Applejack was pretty much unable to keep any of the apples in their baskest and even their barn blew away. The mayor had called on Twilight but the tree had been sealed up with all sortsa rubble that'd blown into the door and stuff trapping her and Spike. Fluttershy was...well Fluttershy. Rarity's wouldn't even come out due to her mane and stuff. Fortunately for them, Celestia had called upon the Wonderbolts! They spun and whizzed all around Ponyville trying to counter the chaos. Vwish! BAM! BOOM! But it didn't work. They just got splattered all over walls and stuff. That was when the one with the most potential made her debut on the scene. Already having saved Fillydelphia from a horde of Parasprites, the pathetic little storm would be nothing compared to her might. Why one might say it was already beat, for she had been known as the greatest flier in all of Equestria. Her school couldn't even keep her in class due to how awesome and stellar she was. For the best of them, they are their own teachers I believe I heard someone say once. Either way she flew into the clouds above and destroyed the hurricane making it explode into a huge rainbow that's color spread throughout Equestria letting everyone know of her brilliant victory over the catastrophe. Truly she herself was a force of nature. The Wonderbolts couldn't have been more relieved to have chosen her for their team. Why, it was the best decision of their lives probably. Then she landed. "Garsh, thanks a lot pally o howdy miss molly," Applejack chuckled to her, "You sure is something there Rainbow Dash thing." Not even needing to be asked, the radical pegasus had already collected the apples that had been tossed about in the storm. "Yes thank you darling, you were simply smashing! Pip pip cheerios," Rarity congratulated. "By my calculations that rainbow you made saved a few kittens," Twilight said. "Hey guys, did you hear the funny joke I told Rainbow Dash about me and Twilight being together?" Spike asked. "Don't worry kid," the magnificent hero patted the smaller fanboy's head, "I got this covered." The joke was told and they all laughed. The end.
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"...what in tarnation did I just listen to?" Applejack was the first to speak once Rainbow Dash had finished her story, "...why did I sound like Goofy at one part?..."
"And why was it all just one long run on sentence?" Fluttershy asked taking a sip of her Chai Tea.
"Not to mention all the gramatical errors," Twilight Sparkle complained.
"Well from what I heard when I came back in it was just an absolutely atrociously done love letter to herself," Discord rolled his eyes. Rainbow Dash's cheeks were practically the opposite color she was supposed to be. That didn't get rid of the natural angry expression she had from the reception though.
"Well fine, let's see one of you top my story!" she yelled folding her arms over her chest and turning her head to the ceiling.
"Very well," Rarity accepted the challenge, "Ahem."
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Chapter 1: The Day of the Sauna
"Fluttershy darling, I am so glad to hear of the good news," the luxurious boutique owner laughed haughtily, "But honestly, you must try on one of my new dresses if you're going to make an appearance at any form of presidential meeting." Behind the nervous demeanor it was obvious that the yellow pegasus' envy was building up over the white unicorn's natural talents.
"Why no I-yes please give me as many as you can," Fluttershy begged as quietly as possible, "The Syndicate of Animal Governing is one of the most important events at my cottage. Oh I just know the other members will laugh at me if I don't come dressed as nice as you!" With a smile on her face, the beautiful pony lead the other deeper into her boutique to begin trying on all forms of different manner of clothing. Though they all looked stunning there was one that stood out the most to the fashionista for the pegasus. A sparkling baby blue sapphire cloak that her number one assistant, Spike, had helped her create.
Gracious Fluttershy practically stole it away. That's when the main character noticed. There was a speck of dirt on her hoof! "Oh no no no!" she cried grabbing Fluttershy and running out the front door, "This simply will not do! There's only one answer!" "What?" "The sauna!" With the crew of over at least three hundred ponies already knowing her appearance by heart, Rarity and her friend were given the best treatment ever. The massages eased every little tinge in their tendons, their fur being cleaned with the most affordable of hot tubs, and their hooves being filed just right. It truly was perfect.
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Fluttershy lifted her eyebrow.
"...Is it over?" Applejack asked. Rarity nodded happily.
"Why of course," she replied sparkles in her eyes. The perfect ending.
"That was a story?" Discord asked. Gruffly he shook the sleeping pegasus next to him.
"W-wha?" Rainbow Dash yawned and stretched, "Is it over?"
"I...I'm Rarity's number one assistant?" Spike wondered aloud, hearts forming in his eyes. Twilight rolled hers and pulled him against her body to remind him who he was supposed to be with. Rarity closed her eyes and spun around.
"I guess you lot just don't have the class to appreciate such a marvelous story," she said, more to herself than the others.
"Yes, that's totally it," Discord smirked, "Now come on. Someone else go. The recording on this camera doesn't last forever." The remaining ponies looked at each other. Other than Pinkie Pie hectically pointing over and over at herself, they all had rather serious looks on their faces. Even Spike was giving the choice quite a bit of thought. No matter how big of a role he'd played in Rarity's story, all of them so far had been...trainwrecks to say the least.
"Oh I got a good one!" Applejack suddenly jumped.
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Alright, here be Chaptah 1 then I guess: The Apple that Wouldn't Die
"What that there Twilight doin'?" I wondered as the purple pony dashed past in a lab coat. Her ever-faithful assistant was perched on her bouncing back as usual. They were headed for the library. Hastily I ran back ter my place and talked some things over with big ol' Macintosh. His "Eeyup" was all I needed to confirm my arousin' suspicions. Twilight was definitely up to somethin' in that there tree o her's. Perhaps the Princess had given her a bit too much power. An entire library all at her disposal. Its evil words to use at her every given whim. Why it just ain't natural for a pony o her stature to stay cooped up in their all the time.
Gatherin' up my courage and kin, namely Apple Bloom and her two filly friends, I scampered onto the deranged pony's property. Ever since a few days ago there'd been quite a few...accidents happenin' around the tree. Obviously traps that the suspicious mare had deployed for intruders. But I wouldn't be fallin' victim today! Scootaloo was there to give us an overview from the perimeter she flew around. With her help we scouted all about the tree and finally looked into one of the holes. The sight I saw dropped me back to the ground. That gosh darn owl had hooted right in my face!
More annoyed than anything else, I hoisted myself back onto that there windowsill and stole a peek or two. No one was around. One by one we dropped in and started searching. It wasn't until the shocks came from the basement door that we found where Twilight and her little dragon were! By the time we'd done gotten there it'd been too late.
"It's alive!" the insane unicorn screamed, electricity coursing through the scientific stuff of the apple on the bed before her. And by Celestia was it ever. Enormous vines had shot out of the sides of the apple and constricted around Spike. "Twilight!" he cried as he was twirled through the air. "Silence fool!" Twilight cackled evilly, "Do you not see my brilliance!" "Now you hold your horseshoes right there miss mad scientist thingy, we're done callin' the cops on you!" I blinked. Apple Bloom had made her way down to Twilight!
"A sacrifice!" she laughed throwing her into the now razor-filled mouth of the apple. "APPLE BLOOM!" I watched in horror as it chewed her to a bloody mess. Then it turned its attention to me. "Now my slave! Devour the others!" Twilight commanded, "Wait, hey, what are you-NO!" In an instant the demented creator met the same fate as my sister had. "Run," I told the younger fillies. Scootaloo had to drag Sweetie Belle away. It was just me and the monster left as it hobbled up the stairs. "Come on citrusy freak o natcha!" I hollered and leapt at it. The last thing I saw was the sharp teeth that its mouth opened up into.
This time the silence that followed the story was a bit different. Instead of disbelief at the clumsy storytelling, practically everyone's eyes were bulging out of their heads and staring directly at the storyteller. The room was engulfed in fear, anticipation, and confusion.
---
"...you die at the end?" Discord was the first to ask. Applejack proudly nodded.
"I know a thing er two about ghost stories," she patted her chest. Rarity now could no longer even hope to compete with the more rough-edged pony when it came to campfire stories at slumber parties. Especially due to the fact that she was now hiding under Discord's seat cushion.
"At least I didn't die," Spike grinned.
"Oh don't worry," Applejack waved, "The next chapter woulda begun with you suffocated to death from the vines." The grin turned to a frown at the information.
"Me next!" Pinkie shouted drawing all attention to her.
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Chapter 12: Omega Di Caprio
Bulkhead was a big green autobot that had just single handedly beaten Megatron last chapter, but that has nothing to do with this one. I was getting a bit bored with Transformers so I decided to change it up a bit. Instead we now have what happened when the Ed, Edd, n Eddy movie ended with the cartoon cartoons. That was sad wasn't it? Like I mean it was over. The cartoon cartoon era. What some would say was the final nail in the coffin of Cartoon Network. But hey, now people have great shows like us. Whoda guessed back then? My Little Pony? An actual good cartoon? Biggest thing since Animaniacs? Blasphemy! It's like getting to the Secret World in Mario without the different colored blocks. Stop n' Swap my ass. There's no way in hell that's what Rare had that X-box crap planned back in the day. I mean come on! Unlocking things for a crappy sequel that never should have happened? That's almost as bad as Dragon Ball Evolution turned out. What's worse is how people always say it ruined Dragon Ball Z. It wasn't about Z. It was Dragon Ball. That's what it ruined. Evolution had nothing to do with Z. And don't even get me started on GT. At least they're making Online now huh? But Capcom decides they have to axe their own Online game. And not just that, fucking Mega Man Legends 3. I mean it takes over a decade and it's finally being made and then bam! Sorry, we're Capcom. We slap fans in the face. And you know they always have. It didn't just start with Resident Evil 4. RE1.5 anyone? I mean Sega's better than Cap-
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"Pinkie?" Twilight interrupted. The crazy pony blinked a few times.
"You were going to tell a story..."
"Oh yeah!" she giggled.
"I knew there was a reason I liked her," Discord said to himself.
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Alright, Chapter 5: Symphony of the Persona
So there was like this cupcake. But not just a cupcake. A GIANT cupcake. It was the size of a house! But when I took a bite it tasted like pudding. It was weird. So I added some seasoning. I asked Rainbow Dash to take a bite but she ran away screaming. Don't know why. Either way, the seasoning helped and the wind started to catch on fire.
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"I'm sorry, what?" Applejack commented, "The wind started to-"
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But then it turned into rain. Chocolate rain! The bad thing was though that anything they touched they started to destroy so it was sorta like Chocolate Acid rain. It still tasted yummy though. Just made a huge hole where my stomach shoulda been. But not all was lost! Twilight came down on her magical cloud she rode around on looking for some ball with stars on it. Happily she whisked me to the Everfree Forest where a huge Jokulmorder gave me a ride across the clouds. Rainbow Dash tried to keep up but she got distracted by the Wonderbolts who were failing again to save Rarity from getting killed. Then Ponyville exploded.
The End.
---
"Love it love it love it," a crowd's applause erupted from Discord's two hands.
"Saw that one comin'," Rainbow Dash sighed.
"Guess it's up to me to keep the sanity then," Twilight said and took a deep breath.
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The Joy of Smarty Pants
There it was. The greatest doll in all of Equestria. Smarty Pants. That day was one that'd never be forgotten. The look, the smell, the sheer effort that went into weaving each layer of the magnificent gift. The two older ponies watched as their daughter happily danced around with her gift.
"We're really glad that you like it dear," the mother breathed a sigh of relief that she had taken such affection to the cloth-made contraption, "Look, it even comes with its own quill and notebook for when you pre-"
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"Oh god, how boring can this get?" Discord gagged, "Fluttershy, please tell me you can do better." Twilight's head sunk at the criticism. Spike wrapped his arm around her leg comfortingly.
"Don't worry Twi, you're story was the best written out of anyones' here."
"Um...well alright..." Fluttershy gulped. She felt she could die from how much attention she was now given.
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So um...I guess this is chapter 1 if you don't mind...I don't have a title though up...sorry...
Anyway I guess it um...it starts off in a field. Yes that seems nice. And there are bunnies. Oh and butterflies! They're playing. And...and...and baby dragons! Cute cuddly wuddly baby dragons as nice as a Spike that are having the time of their lives chasing each other. It's perfect and harmonic and there are-
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"Ugh! Gag!" Discord coughed, "Alright, I'm sorry I cut you off now Twilight. But you're turn's up so no going again. You failed and can't redeem yourself." Tears began to form in the yellow pegasus' eyes. Reluctantly Rainbow Dash patted her back.
"Who's left?" Rarity realized. All eyes searched around the room.
"Well I guess I could give it a shot," Zecora offered happily, "Who knows? Perhaps I can make a plot."
"NO!" Scootaloo screamed tackling the zebra and clamping her mouth shut, "Quick! While there's still time! Someone take her turn!"
"Sorry, everyone's gone," Discord shrugged. Zecora gave a distasteful look to her attacker who grinned back sheepishly.
"Well, Spike hasn't gone," Applejack pointed out.
"Oh yes, Spike, give it a shot," Rarity added. The baby dragon bit his lip and looked around the room. Discord gave a thumbs up. Spike took a few breaths to calm himself and began.
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Chapter 1: Spike is Magic
It was a nice sunny day out. The birds were chirping and the final snow had just been hauled away in the latest Winter Wrap Up. Unfortunately the same peace could not be had by the one who's tale this is about. As rough as he had been the morning that Twilight had been so eager to participate in her first Winter Wrap Up, Spike was awoken from his slumber.
"Ah, alright! I'm up! What's going on?" he grumbled rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
"Oh Spike," his lifelong friend Twilight Sparkle dragged him out the door, "It looks like this is it." The purple reptilian yawned at the town they lived in. It was cast in a rather large shadow of the moon just a few miles above. Atop it stood Princess Luna. For some reason or another she had once more become the ever-feared form of Nightmare Moon, the most twisted pony any creature had ever known.
"Attention Ponyville!" her royal Canterlot voice boomed across the ecosystem, "This is thou final hour! Oh chosen ones of the elements you shall not stop thy moon itself from impacting Equestria and shattering it to bits admits thy cosmos!" Despite the interruption of his nap, Spike could clearly tell what was going on. But he had an idea. One that didn't involve his friends. Just he himself, that's all it would take to dispose of the threat. Breaking free of Twilight's grip he started going around stealing anything he could from any of the ponies in town.
Twilight herself was shocked and confused until she saw Spike growing in size. He was turning into his monstrous hoarding self again! It didn't take nearly as long as the first time for him to become as big as he had upon igniting the transformation initially. Finally he was big enough to grab the moon and threw it back into orbit, Nightmare Moon flying off it into the depths of space from the speed. Then Spike simply stopped being so greedy and reverted back to his normal self. Ponyville was so happy they worshipped him as the hero he was supposed to be recognized as in real life.
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Spike bowed upon finishing the story. Twilight was the only one that looked all that annoyed.
"...how do you know how to make so much better sentences than me?" Applejack asked.
"You spend your whole life living with her," Spike jabbed a thumb at Twilight.
"Well it was definitely the best story to me," Fluttershy complimented. Spike smiled at the admiration.
"Very nice effort," Rarity kissed his forehead. If he didn't have an outline he would've melted. Twilight had quite a different internal reaction from the witnessing of the kiss.
"And bravo Spike the dragon," Discord congratulated stepping forward to shake his hand, "You win."
"Aw cut it out," Spike instinctively said before giving the words some thought, "Wait a sec...what do you mean I win?"
"Your's was the best story and one of the only ones that didn't flat-out suck ass," Discord reiterated, "And therefore it is what shall become of this one." Everyone's eyes began to grow.
"Wait, what!" Spike yelped, "But I didn't ask for that!"
"But it's what this chapter was about was it not?" Discord grinned, "presenting the new direction of the story, with you my dear boy as the hero! Good luck, I'm sure you'll have quite the adventure trying to stop me!" Before anyone could say anything else Discord snapped his fingers. In an instant all of the ponies were shrunk to the age they were when they got their Cutie Marks.
"Don't worry, I assure you it'll be fun," Discord laughed. He gave one more snap.