Chapter 6: Moonshiny
Shining Armor's footsteps echo loudly in the marble corridor. The sun is already low, barely peeking out from behind the low hills surrounding Canterlot Valley. The familiar stairs up to their suite are close by, but the orange rays of the sun beckon him to make a detour. He walks a little way back, and steps out onto a balcony. A strong breeze feels even colder than usual on his wet fur. He spent a long while in a toilet washing his face after everything that had happened during the day. He takes a deep breath and allows the fresh air to invigorate him.
He lifts his forehooves up onto the parapet, and soon slumps forward to lean his chin on his hooves. Under him the lights of Canterlot proper are lighting up one by one. The city is still in full hustle, ponies and carriages alike hurrying through the twilight streets, but they feel distant to him from his high vantage. Shining Armor takes another deep breath and his exhalation drives some of the tension away from his shoulders. He turns his head from side to side, feeling a few scrunches from his neck accompanied by mild pain, but it doesn't linger for long. Instead, the influx of oxygen clears his mind even more. His hooves shiver from the cold stone under his elbows, but the last rays of the sun still feel warm as they colour his pale fur in yellow.
Wow. When was the last time I just looked at the sunset? On the honeymoon trip? Nah... Cady was all over me every evening so I couldn't really stop to look at it. Hay, can't even remember.
He turns around and leans on the parapet. The door he passed through as he stepped out is mostly made out of painted glass, with only the outer edges done in wood. It depicts a bird, or maybe a phoenix, standing on a branch. From the inside it must look like it was seated on the edge of the parapet, with light shining through it during the day and colouring it in golds and reds. Seen from this angle though, the jagged edges of the small pieces of coloured glass remind him more of the bars of a prison cell. He can't shake off the feeling that once he returns inside, he'll be imprisoned just like the bird. With a last lungful of air, he pushes himself from the cold stone and returns to all fours. The door squeals lightly as he returns inside, and as the latch drops back down, it sounds like the heavy bar of a prison cell. A last, cold shiver runs down his back.
Reality immediately greets him in the dimly lit corridor. Two bat-winged pegasi from Princess Luna's Night Guard greet him with stern salutes. He returns the gesture, even though the two aren't stricly speaking under his command.
"What is it, soldiers?"
"I must ask you to proceed with due haste to Princess Cadance. She has called for a search for you, Your Royal Highness."
"A... search?" Shining Armor's eyes widen a fraction.
"Yes, sir! You were reported missing about an hour ago, and—"
"I see. Well, you can report that I've been found and am on my way to my wife. Carry on."
"Yes, sir!" They snap another sharp salute. "We shall accompany you to your suite, sir."
"That won't be neccessary. I can walk the few steps up without—"
"We must insist. We are under orders to escort you to your quarters, sir."
He stares at them dumbfounded, before nodding weakly.
Has she gone mad? The guards will turn the city upside down before they get the return order. And I'm being escorted like... like a school-colt being caught playing truant! Did something happen while I was gone? Is there an emergency?
Shining Armor follows the two guards at a brisk walk up the stairs to his suite, his breath starting to get more rapid as his imagination races ahead.
Accident? Assault? I didn't hear any warning sirens. Did they keep it quiet? Is Cadance hurt!?
The two pegasi knock on the door before entering ahead of the Prince.
"Reporting! We have located Prince Shining Armor and escorted him here as per your orders, Your Royal Highness."
Cadance is sitting on the couch, talking to the two officers on duty, one from the Royal Guard, the other from the Night Guard. When she sees who is at the door, she rushes to him and grabs him in a painfully tight embrace.
"Oh, Shiny! Are you alright? Where have you been?! I was so worried!" she says, releasing him from her iron grip, instead turning his muzzle from side to side as if to check him for possible physical injuries.
The Prince is at a loss for words with his face being handled like a bowl of dough under Cadance's hooves.
Wait... wait... wait... THIS was the emergency? She was WORRIED?! I was... this is... what the hay, Cady?
The officers move to leave, and Cadance doesn't even seem to notice them.
"Will that be all, ma'am?" the officer from the Royal Guard asks her.
"Yes, dismissed, gentlecolts," she answers without even looking at them.
"Good evening then sir. Ma'am." They salute once more before leaving the Royal Couple alone.
"Hi, honey. I'm... home?" he says, before being hugged with the strength of an Amanezonian constrictor snake. Damp spots appear on his shoulder where Cadance is leaning on him, and he feels his wife tremble with sobs.
He walks her over to the couch and they sit down. She still clings to him tightly, like she was never going to let go.
"Ca...dy... can't... breathe..." he says with the last of the air in his lungs, and is released immediately.
"Oh! I'm sorry! Are you alright!?"
No. I'm damn well not! What in Tartarus is wrong with you? Damn that hug hurt. Okay... just calm down. She's crazy. She's not crazy. She's Cady. Cady! Calm her down. Take a deep breath and then calm her down so she can explain.
After a few coughs, the Prince can finally answer "Yeah."
"Where have you been? I was worried sick! You were supposed to be home hours ago! I waited but then I just couldn't anymore and I had to call the guard and then somepony told me that you'd come back to the castle but nopony could find you and I thought it was a mistake and—"
"Honey, calm down. I'm alright. Totally alright. I was just... walking around the town."
"Walking? Alone?"
Alone? Yeah, I'm a big colt. I can even cross the street without my mother? Cady, this is going too far! I can't take a stroll without you holding my hoof?
"Yes. Alone. Like I've done a million times before. In my home city." He looks away from his wife.
"But with all that's happened lately..." she turns to look away too, her chin resting on her chest.
"I can take care of myself, Cady. You don't have to... to call the guard if I'm a few hours late!" he says, not realising how loud he is speaking. "Do you know what a hassle it is to organise, and... and unorganise something like that? And the evening shifts are completely messed up!"
"I was scared, Shiny."
Those few words knock the wind out of the Prince. His mouth keeps forming words, but they go unspoken. After a moment, he reaches a hoof around her and pulls her to his chest. And winces from pain.
Scared? You were... scared? Because the Commander of the Guard was alone for an hour? Who the hay do you think I am, a little colt? Probably the most powerful unicorn in Canterlot. At least now that Twily is back in Ponyv— Stop thinking about Twily and her rump... oh crap!
"I'm sorry, Cady. After the therapist I kinda wanted to walk around and think about stuff. And then I met up with Twily. She was... erm... shopping. So we had a cup of tea and I walked her to the station and then I came here. Safe and sound."
"Twilight? In Canterlot?"
Yeah. In Canterlot. In a sex shop. And then I went to a public toilet to... DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!
He coughs again, bringing forth a slight pain in his side. "Yeah. Took me by surprise too."
"Well... what did she say? What did you talk about?"
Easy. Just take it easy. She's not interrogating. She's just clinging to your words like a little maniac because she's so worried. Just go with it. And no shouting. Don't shout. She'd go nuts if I shouted.
"A lot of stuff. About her... latest studies, and about our folks. And she promised to come see us properly sometime soon. I told her we've both missed her."
"That's wonderful, dear. Did she say when?" Cadance's eyes are no longer wet, and she runs a forehoof over her face to brush off the tears on her cheeks.
That's my Cady. Putting on a strong face.
His teeth grind together barely audibly.
NOW she knows to put up a strong face? She couldn't do it earlier? With the guardsponies?
"No, but she promised that it would be soon." He leans in to nuzzle Cadance more, and she stays resting on his chest for a long time. He sighs, trying to get his brain to conform to the latest of the day's surprises.
She called the Guard because I was late by a few hours. Now they'll think that I'm under her hoof with a curfew and a halter. Crap. Well, it's not like I'd get to hear them snicker at me from the castle anyways. Or ever see them again. Nice. Wonder when they'll install the bars in the window?
"It's been a really long day, Cady," he says, allowing his head to flop back onto the headrest.
"Would you like to talk about it?" she answers, still not moving from his chest.
Would I like to talk to you about how you've become such a fussing, over-protective... no, crazy, paranoid, obsessed control-freak that you can't let me leave your side without panicking? For Celestia's sake, mare. I didn't know that when I got married we'd stop going out for dinner or the movies. Seriously, was today the first time I left the castle without her after we got back? It... actually was, wasn't it. Just play it cool. Smile! Don't shout.
"No. Not really. It's the therapy thing. It's taking a lot more out of me than I thought."
"I wish there was something I could do to help," she whispers barely audibly, but Shining Armor still catches her words.
"Honey, you're already doing more than enough..."
Like calling the bloody GUARD after me for Luna's sake. Or crushing my ribs. I'm sure I heard one pop. Again. Thank Celestia for my high pain threshold. Is this her way of keeping me around? Breaking my bloody bones? Where's the Cadance I fell in love with? You're not her. I want to go out. I want to do stuff with you. Not sit in the dark and cuddle like an old couple.
"...Just, you know, being here and all." He tries to take a deep breath, but another jolt of pain shoots through his chest.
Yup. Definitely broken. Just where you're leaning on. Argh! Damnit it hurts! Stop... hurting... me!
He pushes her away and she almost falls of the couch.
"Honey? What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Just... a cramp. Sorry."
Sorry? I'm not sorry! It damn well hurts. I'm stuck here, holding hooves with this psycho. The mare I love. Right? I love Cadance, right? This crazy mare that's turning worse than my mother? This Cadance?
She gets up, and rests a forehoof on his lap and looks him in the eyes. "Honey... I'm sorry about the Guard... I didn't know what else to do. I thought you might have been foalnapped or replaced by a changeling or..."
Or, you know, just walking around? Is that too much to ask?
She lowers her head once more. "...I'm just glad you're alright."
"I'm here, honey. And I'm not going anywhere. I didn't mean to scare you. I'll send word if I'll be late in the future, okay?"
Unless you saddle me and ride everywhere on my back? You always want to be on top.
"Okay," she whispers, and cuddles her head on Shining Armor's shoulder. As he turns to nuzzle back, their horns touch and a small light glows between them. "Shiny, I love you."
"Love you too," he answers.
That didn't feel right. It's not like a few rough things could change that? She's still Cady, right? And I'm just a bit angry at her. No problem, right? 'Our love is undeniable', Princess Celestia said. Just a bit angry. That's it.
They sit on the couch in silence. The adrenaline slowly leaving his body, the warmth of his wife's body against his own, it is all too much for Shining Armor. His eyelids droop from the long day. He kisses Cadance a few times on the mouth, his last one interrupted by a yawn.
"Cady, I'm really tired. Would you mind if I went to bed early today?"
"Of course not. Go on. I have to sign a few papers, but I think I'll turn in early too."
They exchange one more kiss, before Shining Armor walks to the bedroom. He contemplates on going to brush his teeth, but opts to just fall face-first on the bed. His eyes shoot open from the pain in his side, but he pushes it away and turns onto his back.
"Thanks, Cady. Up to eighteen now," he mutters. Before sleep overtakes him, his last thoughts tiptoe around the worst question he's ever asked himself.
I do love her, right?
Tuesday went on its merry way, with the pegasi performing a nice strong winter storm to blow out the few leaves still stuck in their high perches. Wednesday was much the same, with less gale-force winds and more ponies complaining about how the streets were cluttered with colourful, but slick, foliage. Thursday had none of these, because the first hoarfrost crept up uninvited to Canterlot, and instead of the slick leaves, there was black ice everywhere.
The first frost of an autumn is special. It confirms to everypony that the winter has finally arrived and now it's too late to prepare for it. And there's something else: When the streets become like black mirrors in the morning, and every last piece of grass is covered in rime, something changes in one's mind. The colours seem to leave the world overnight, leaving only monochrome behind. And ponies do not talk on such days. They go about their own chores, minding their own business. When they get home, they feel like the fireplace is warmer than usual, the warm cup of cocoa they drink is sweeter and seems to go straight into your core.
The first day of winter is magical, because it tells us that even as the nature goes to sleep, a pony's life continues. And that the cold is only on the outside.
Shining Armor observes none of this. He spends his days in solitude in his study, trying to concentrate on his neglected chores. He especially doesn't think about his and Cadance's circumstances. When the slightest notion of it comes haunting his mind, he slams through the papers like a maniac, trying to dive deep into the numbers, requisitions, paychecks and plans to keep the thoughts at bay. Once in a while he feels his side, but the hurt has gone. He'd visited the castle physician to have it checked out, but a few ribs only take a day or two to heal for a pony.
His frenzied pace through the mound of letters finds him a very specific one. It looks very official, with a no-nonsense attitude to letter writing. The reason is clear as soon as he breaks the seal and opens the thrice-folded paper: The writer is clearly of a military persuasion, and is making sure that the contents of the message can not be misunderstood.
"Commander Shining Armor of Princess Celestia's Royal Guard. Your presence is required at the Officer's Club on..." he reads out loud.
Today, huh. Lucky I found this in time. Unlike those twenty other papers I've gone through.
"...in an official capacity to receive..."
Another official business thing. And I was hoping to get a nice head of sleep. It's a therapy day tomorrow.
"...large shipment of recreational salts and alcoholic beverages, which, as you are very well aware of, requires the presence of..."
He had to read the previous sentence twice to let the underlying message to sink in.
Guys... I love you.
"The shipment shall arrive at 2100 hours at the designated unloading area.
Signed,
Lieutenant Iron Sight"
He reads the letter once more to make sure it is real. Then he quickly looks around his empty office to make sure there is no-pony else there. And then he grins.
"You magnificent bastards."
"So please explain to me why you are going out this late?" Princess Cadance asks for probably the tenth time in as many minutes.
"Official business," Shining Armor replies, and straightens his collar in the mirror.
"But why so late? And what's all this about salts and alcohol?"
"Regulations, dear."
"Who is this 'Iron Sight'? I don't think I've ever heard of him. Have you?"
Finally content with his countenance, the Prince turns to his loving wife.
"Lieutenant Sight has been one of my most trusted colleagues in the Royal Guard for years. And it won't probably take too long."
"Maybe I should co—"
"NO!" Shining Armor says with a panicked expression flashing on his face, before he hides it behind a coughing fit. "I mean no, dear. There's no reason for you to be up so late. Just go to bed and we'll see each other in the morning? I promise not to make a sound when I return."
"It just feels so weird to go to bed without you, honey..." She puts up her best pouty-face, but the Prince just adjusts his mane and puts on his golden helmet. She lowers her head in defeat. "Just... be careful, okay?"
Her voice has a tinge in it that forces Shining Armor to look at her. There are small damp sparkles in the corners of Cadance's eyes. He walks over to the mare and wraps his forehooves around her neck. She clings to hm tightly, but not hard enough to cause physical trauma this time.
"What are you talking about, Cady? I'll be with guardsponies the whole time."
"Oh, I know that," she says, while nuzzling his chin from below. "Do you think that I'm maybe being a bit... overprotective?"
"You? Overprotective? What in Equestria would give you such an idea?"
"Shiny!" She pushes him backward, almost tripping him on the couch. "Don't be mean. I can fuss over my dear hubby if I want to, can't I?" She flutters her wings to keep herself upright as she folds her forehooves over her chest.
"Come on, dear. Nothing bad has happened for weeks now! And if there's a changeling invasion or a dragon attack, I'll be sure to run straight under your wing and hide." Shining Armor gives her a grin, which he hopes covers up his gritting teeth.
"Ha. Ha. Not funny, mister." She lands back onto all fours, and and looks forlornly to their bed. "I still see nightmares about those caves. I... I really hate sleeping alone."
Shining Armor loses the anger he'd slowly been building up. "Why didn't you tell me? About the nightmares?"
"I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said anything." She turns away from her husband. "Forget I said anything, alright?"
Shining Armor appears at her side and brushes her cheek with his own. "No, it's not alright. You should have said something."
"I didn't want to worry you. And you have other things on your mind."
"Maybe. But we're married. We shouldn't keep secrets... from..." His words get stuck in his throat.
"...Each other. I know, Shiny. I'm sorry."
In the following silence, Shining Armor returns to embrace Cadance, who is squeezing her eyes closed. He leans back and smiles, but as he sees his wife's face, a hollow feeling appears in his chest.
"Actually... Honey... About tonight—" he begins.
"Oh, no you don't! I didn't mean to tell you about my nightmares and force you to stay here. I'm not that kind of a mare!"
"No, it's just that—"
"No nothing! You're going to take care of this job of yours and that's final!"
He looks into Cadance's face, and sees there is no room for arguing with her on the matter.
"...Okay," he mutters.
"And... actually. I am really of proud of you, Shiny?"
He feels his heart falling even deeper into the hollow in his chest. "You are?"
"Yes, honey. I remember you used to hate all these official duties. And here you are, going out late in the evening, just to go oversee some silly shipment." She leans into his ear to give him a gentle whisper. "You're becoming a real Prince, Shiny."
"M-maybe I really should—"
"Get going. Yes. Here I am, delaying you even more. Go on. Off with you, Prince Shining Armor."
"Okay. Well. Uhm... I'll—"
Cadance gives him a quick peck on the cheek, and before he can respond, moves behind him and pushes him out of the door with her head.
"Love you," she calls after him.
"Uh... love you too, Cady."
The door to their apartment slams shut with a very final thump.
Shining Armor starts walking down the stairs, but his mind is no longer on the coming night of revelry. With his head bent low, he turns the corner and walks along the long corridor leading out from the living areas of the castle. The only lights are the tiny candles in their small lamps along the walls, but he finds the dark to suit his mood.
Well at least I'm gonna see the guys. Haven't seen them in weeks. Ever since long before the wedding at least. Or did I? Maybe I hung out with them and can't remember?
He stops at the same mirror as last time, and takes his helmet off to shake his head. His helmet-hair poofs up into its normal unkempt form.
Concentrate! Have fun! All the Prince stuff can wait for tomorrow. And Cady stuff too.
He thumps a frustrated hoof on the wall.
Why the hay is there so much stuff?
Shining Armor looks at himself in the mirror, and corrects his posture. His head is now standing tall, and he forces an expression onto his face that he could only describe as 'decisive and masculine'.
"I'm sure I'll regret this."
"Boo!" comes a low shout from behind him. He discard his dapper semblance as he turns in a low crouch to aim his horn at the assailant. His magical implement takes on a pale white shine and lights up the corridor.
The smiling face of the Princess Of The Night looks down at him.
"P-princess?"
"Just Luna, please. We're family."
The stallion stands up from his combat stance and allows his horn to turn off.
"Sorry about that. Reflex. You made me jump a bit. Heh."
"Really?" The Princess skips around the sulking Prince with quite a bit too much spring in her steps to be considered regal. "But ponies like it when I scare them, right? At least that's what happened on Night Mare Night," she says, followed by an audible grin.
"Uh... yes. I'm sure they do. Sorry, but I'm in a bit of a hurry and—" He starts to sidle away from the alicorn, and even succeeds in turning a complete 180 before...
"Regret what, dear nephew?"
"I'm... not sure I..." The stare he receives from the Princess Luna scuttles the rest of his denials.
"Honestly, nephew. I have been away a thousand years, but I have not yet become senile like my big sister." She goes around the stallion to cut off his escape and grabs him with a powerful wing. "When I see a professional soldier walk around the castle without even noticing me right beside them for several dozen steps, I know there is something wrong."
Several beads of cold sweat run under the ceremonial coat on Shining Armor's back, but he is unable to shy away.
"It's nothing, really. Just a bit of marital difficulties. Nothing that should worry Your..." Her eyes fall into dangerous tiny slits. "...you. Worry you. Heh." Her face returns back to her normal frown, and he tries to breathe out in relief as stealthily as possible.
"I still have a few moments before the moon needs to rise above Equestria, so if it is your wish, you may confide in me. Walk with me."
"I... well..." A sudden insight, and a possible avenue of escape, appears into Shining Armor's mind. "Actually, there is one thing. Cadance has suffered from nightmares since our wedding. Is there maybe something you could do?"
"It would be my pleasure, nephew." Princess Luna tugs at the Prince's side with her wing to make him move ahead. "So what is the real problem?"
Shining Armor freezes in his steps, and turns his head with jerky moves to look at the Princess.
"Eheh. W-what makes you think there is another problem?"
"Apart from your stuttering and nervous laughter? The fact that you said you were going to regret something. A pony doesn't usually regret his spouse's nightmares, so do tell Auntie Luna." Her smile is like that of a content cat that has cornered her prey. With a bit less bloodthirst and more moral superiority. She doesn't even need to look at the Prince to know she has hit home.
"I don't really want to talk about it."
"I can see that."
They once again start trotting forward. Shining Armor is able to take almost ten steps before he breaks.
"I lied to Cady."
Luna doesn't say anything. Only walks beside the downcast stallion.
"I wanted to go out and meet with my friends from the Guard, but I told her... I told her that it was official business."
"And?"
"I didn't want to hurt her and tell her I'd rather spend a night with some of my friends and not her." He tries to stop, but Princess Luna doesn't let him.
"And how do you think she will feel if she finds out?"
"I know, alright? I was actually going to tell her before I left, but I kinda lost the chance."
"It can be a challenge to have your social life limited to just one pony."
"Huh? You're not going to scold me about being a proper husband?"
"You already lied, did you not? Were you to return to Cadance, she would still be disappointed. Were you to go out and enjoy yourself, you could always take the wrath of your spouse in the morrow."
Shining Armor's eyes are as open as his mouth. "Swow... ahem! So you think I actually should go out and party?"
"I could never really say no to a good time. Although back in my time the ways ponies enjoyed themselves were quite different from the ones today. Did you know it is considered amusement to try to grab floating apples from a tub now?"
"You've... bobbed for apples?"
"I thought I was rather good at it. And yes, go out and have fun, young stallion, and get in trouble tomorrow. Who knows, maybe your wife will have such good dreams that she'll be more lenient?" Her toothy grin glows in the darkness.
"You'd do something like that?"
"Now what would give you such an idea, dear nephew?" She makes a note to look at her empty wrist and steps out on the same balcony that Shining Armor used for admiring the sunset. "Look at the time. I'm almost late for the moonrise. I bid you a good evening."
"Yeah... good..." The Prince stammers, but he is only answered by the strike of powerful wings as Luna takes off. He looks into the night sky for a moment longer. "I'll never understand mares. Never." With a shake of his head he returns inside.
The Officer's Club has existed as long as Canterlot Castle has stood. Or at least that is what established urban mythology tells about the place. A Tourist's Guide to Canterlot describes it as "a quaint and pictoresque little tavern off the main avenues of the city, with a typical clientele of military personel from the local garrison." What this actually means is "If you aren't a squaddie, you're going to get stared at till you bugger off back to Civviland."
A notice has stood the test of time and weather above the door to the Officer's Club. A faded text on it declares "Leave your rank at the door." It is meant to signify that anyone who enters is treated as an equal, from the lowliest cadet to a commander. This simple tenet is there to make sure you can imbibe in all the substances you want with no worries about who you drink with, or tell to skawker off and perform carnal acts with a hedgehog.
It is, of course, a lie. Should you get pissed enough to toss your beverage, and the rest of the contents of your stomach on your CO, you can rest assured that the following day will contain far worse than the painful brightness of Princess Celestia's sun. This is not to say that you could not converse freely with your superiors, or even offer to buy them a drink or two. It has always been an unmentioned fact that those young officers who have had a tendency to buy drinks to all the senior officers have also had a tendency to rise through the ranks at an accelerated pace. This is not considered partial in any way, because anypony is free, for example, to get Colonel Groundpounder tipsy enough to put you up for a promotion. Or two, if scotch is involved. The Colonel is considered one of the staples of the Club. There is the bar, the billiards table, the jukebox, and then there is the Colonel's table in the back corner, where he is seen every night getting tipsy. But only tipsy, because it is unbecoming of an officer to be seen in a worse degree of inebriation than tipsyness. A proper officer never becomes drunk. They go to tipsy, and then move on to cheerful, happy, delighted, merry, and in the wee hours of the night, jolly. But never drunk.
As Shining Armor looks at the familiar sign, he cannot help but reminisce about the times he has spent in that fine establishment. The familiar sounds of chatter, and a few off-key interpretations of "Our colts in Gold and White" tell him that the night has gotten off to a good start. A fleeting thought passes through his mind as he is about to open the door.
I'll actually outrank every single pony in the room. Hope they won't make a big number about it. Maybe it'll be just like old—
He pushes the door open, and immediately the murmur stops. Somepony near the door bellows "ATTEN-'SHUN! COMMANDER ARMOR ON DECK! PRESENT HOOVES!"
...horseapples.
Dozens of ponies shoot up from their chairs and couches and turn to stand in attention. As one, they raise their forehooves (in a few cases, slightly uncertainly) to their brows. Shining Armor doesn't know what else to do than salute back. This causes the room to explode into cheers, and the Prince is soon faced with a gauntlet of ponies rushing him from all sides with friendly nudges and slams on his back to welcome the prodigal colt back into the herd. A pint of lager is rushed to him from the bar and he barely catches it with his magic. He raises it above his head and the assembly follows, and he chugs it down to the cheers of the crowd, with some of the precious liquid drizzling onto his official smock. This elicits a loud stomping of general approval from the crowd. He is now the Commander, not the Prince, and after weeks of desert conditions he has found an oasis. He goes on to appease the crowd with his wholehearted approval.
"At ease, you lot!"
This is greeted with even more cheers, but this time the crowd disperses, not so much from the command of the Commander, but rather the need to return to their own drinks. Only one white unicorn stallion saunters to Shining Armor's side. He has a badly kept uniform that has clearly been slept in more than once, with the insignia of a Lieutenant on his shoulders. He once again salutes Shining Armor, and then they embrace each other in a most stallionly hug.
"Yer late, Cap'n." The words he forms come in a slight slur.
"And you're clearly early. And it's 'Commander' to you." Shining Armor looks over his shoulders to see if they're still the center of attention. Luckily, the rest of the members of the Club have found their drinks again. "What was that all about, Sight? 'Commander on deck? Present hooves?' We're nowhere close to the big grey war canoes and calling for a salute in the Club? Have you no shame?"
"I have had several embarrassing ailments, but I do not count shame among them. No, just me and the lads having a bit 'o fun, eh. We was thinking that our beloved Cap'n-made-Commander had missed his bachelor party with his chums, and we thought that, hay, better throw you a smoker late than never. So here we are. The drinks are on the house, says Sam, and some of the lads were talking about presenting a clothing application technician later in the evening, but I think it was YAGI and is still stuck in procurement."
"And what is your part in this?" They move to the bar proper and take up a stool each from the counter. The bartender, an Earth Pony with a massive handlebar mustache on his face, steps up to them.
"'Allo, Gents. What shall my lowly establishment purloin for you this fine evening? A 12-year old malt from Geldland, or maybe a few discs of salt straight from the strands of Zebrica?"
"Sam, you know I don't take well to salts. Goes right to my head. Just beer for now," Shining Armor says.
"...And the same for me, 'keep," quips the Lieutenant from his side.
"Comin' right up. Though I must remind you, young Sight, that your tab is already sizable as is, so there shall be no credit tonight."
"My good stallion! It is a night of merriment to celebrate the matrimony of our esteemed Commander. Would you spoil such jubilations with mundane financial discourse? And what has happened to your offer of free drinks for the attendees?"
"That's for the Commander, not for a leech as you. Say what ye will, you sod, but either you pay or you stay sober." Sam still holds the two pints in a death-grip and awaits for the Lieutenant to give in.
"Fine, you money-grubbing son of a seapony. Allow me to pay your unreasonably extortionate price for your watered down hop-swill." Iron Sight throws two bits on the counter and receives his well-earned beer and collides it gently with Shining Armor's. They both take a long draw and allow their postures to droop onto the counter. "So you want to know my part in all of this?" the Lieutenant begins. "Consider me tonight's Master Of Ceremony, Ringleader, Sheriff and, should the need arise, your personal beer scooter chauffeur."
"Don't you even dare try to get me drunk. Cadance would kill me even worse than she's going to, when she finds out this was not official business."
"That's tomorrow Commander's problem. Tonight we celebrate you losing your freedom and entering eternal slavery under the stern pink hoof of our beloved Princess. Although it might be a bit late for that now, but let us not mind such minor details."
"You have no idea, Iron. No idea," Shining Armor mutters under his breath, but the stallion next to him cannot hear him over the ambience. "So, how are the cousins?" he asks in a louder volume.
"The usual. I hear they got chased out of another town with their contraptions."
"I guess being a hopeless scoundrel runs in your family." Shining Armor gives the other stallion a stern look, before they both burst out laughing.
"I'll have you know that I'm of a far higher caliber of scoundrel than those two. For one, I am right now drinking beer with one of the most prestigious and established ponies in the land."
"Yes. I've really fallen low, haven't I?" Shining Armor says and earns a friendly punch to his foreleg. They swivel around on their stools and lean back on the counter as they look at the rest of the Club.
"Oh my word, Your-Royal-Highness-Prince-of-bloody-Equestria-esquire-sir-and-whatnot. Do my eyes really spy the countenance of one pony to rival your obtuse rank? If you would care to turn around, you might find that we are in the presence of one Commander of the Pegasus Air Forces, namely Spitfire, lately of the Wonderbolts fame."
"Oh, dear." Shining Armor feels the immediate need to lean a forehoof onto his face. "Not this again."
"Tonight's the night, Cap'n. With suave oration and roguish charm I shall woo her to be my future ex-wife."
"It's Com... Iron, you've tried that over a dozen times now, and the best you've managed was a hoofslap to the face after you told her you'd 'preen her silly'."
"That was a clear show of interest on her part, mind you."
"Yes. You had her undivided attention." Shining Armor takes a final draw from his pint, and looks at it dumbfounded. "Sam? Have you changed to smaller pints? This one's already empty."
"Hello, gentlecolts. Mind sharing the table with the stallion of the day?" Without waiting, Iron Sight plops himself down in a free chair in one of the tables. Not that anypony would disagree with him. Instead, the two are welcomed with raised pints and cheers. This is already their fourth table.
"What was the subject of your conversation if I might intrude in such an uncomely fashion?"
The dark brown unicorn, also with Lieutenant tags, is quick to get them up to speed. "We were just talking about the guard having a case of the AGHW. Our latest is the WCS with the new batch of recruits. Never seen such a group of U3 NAAVI's, totally LMF. Even with MBE seems to be FUBAR. There's only one green in the 3rd that's CO material, so I asked sergeant Smiles to run her through some WOFTEX to see if she's cut out for it."
"Wait, old Happy's still around?" asks Shining Armor.
"We can't seem to get rid of him. Still the same shouty bugger as always."
"I thought he'd retired ages ago. He was Iron and mine's PTI back when we were in Basic."
"Good looking wife, though," adds Iron Sight.
"DFT and you know it. And you say that about every NCO," the brown unicorn says. "And every CO for that matter. I even heard you comment that about our dear Commander here."
"Really now?" Shining Armor looks at his friend with a smile.
"As I told the boys, in strict confidence, I might add, she's one fine package, your lady. You did well in nabbing her," Iron Sight says to the sniggers of his peers.
"I'll drink to that," the other Lieutenant saves. "Three cheers for our Commander!" he bellows, and the whole Club joins in. Shining Armor doesn't even bother getting embarrassed any more, he only downs his pint, only having a fleeting thought on how many he has gone through already.
"I still remember Happy Smiles making us do a hundred pushups in the middle of summer," he says. "And then we asked him why we had to do something like that when we have magic. Remember that, Sight?"
"Sure do. He thwacked you on the horn and told you to blow him down. And you couldn't get even the slightest of sparks to appear."
"Yeah. And I had a headache for the rest of the day too," Shining Armor says. "But I have to admit, it was a good lesson. Did loads more training after that. And... when I was up North, I remembered old Happy, because I got these crystals stuck in my horn..."
He recounts the events of King Sombra's incursion on the Crystal Empire while a pint after another is brought to him. After his story, he gets several hoofclaps from his audience.
"So you held your wife's hand until you threw her off a balcony and she saved the day, while you got to look good afterwards?" the coy white Lieutenant comments after the applause has died down.
"Well I did have the shards in my horn—"
"Oh don't get all uppity about it, mate. If I got to save the day while muzzling a pink prize such as your lady without lifting a hoof, I'd take it any day. You're a lucky sod, you are. Here here!" he raises another drink before the whole table follows suit. Shining Armor waits for a moment, before letting the indignation pass and he dives into his beverage as well.
"So did it go limp afterwards?" ask the brown Lieutenant, which causes Shining Armor to do a spit-take that makes for a beautiful rainbow in the air. This brings a healhty dose of merriment to the rest of his audience. Apart from the Lieutenant who gets a face-full of lager.
After a few coughs, Shining Armor is once again able to speak. "Limp? The hay you talking about?"
How can they know? The doctor told me it'll be a secret. And Cady doesn't know. The therapist? Who else could it be... The messenger colt? What was his name? I'll personally—
"Your horn, idiot. He means your horn," translates Iron Sight. "You did show it to a doctor afterwards? It might cause some permanent detractions on your performance. It's not contagious, right? Wouldn't want to endanger my rod in your presence."
"That's enough of you... you little shit," the Commander says.
"Ooh, what language. Did I hit home? Had any negligent discharges lately? Maybe—"
Shining Armor gets up from his seat and slams both of his forehooves on the table. "I'll have you know there is nothing wrong with any part of my physique that you should be worried or even privy to, Lieutenant. Now fuck off and get me a beer. Someone's drunk mine again!" his bellows are met with a happy chorus of cheers and laughter. Iron Sight soon returns with two more drinks.
"I'm a bit borasic, Cap'n. Mind spotting me a few tits to make it through the storm?"
"You call me to drink with you, and then ask me to pay for your drinks? You're a fine piece of work."
"And that's why you love me, isn't it?"
"Fuck you. I'll pay for your next drink if you tell me why there is a giant bird with a lion's tail in here?"
"The Bird?"
"No, the griffon. We don't have griffons in the Guard, so why is he here?"
"The Bird. With capitals. And he's a she, and she'a all lovey-dovey with one of the border patrol colts. I hear they're on leave."
"Heard about it in the reports. Haven't seen one up close in years."
"They stink, don't they."
"You might want to avoid saying that to her face if you want to have yours tomorrow."
"For once I agree on veering on the side of caution. But they do reek something fierce."
"That they do. And who's drunk my beer again?"
The two officers end back at the bar counter as the night progresses. Most of their earlier drinking buddies have already left to sleep their heads clear before the eventual and too early morning to come.
"Dat ass."
"You say something, Iron Sight?"
"I said, dat ass." He accentuates his comment by pointing at the unquestionably well trained bright orange backside of Spitfire.
"Lieutenant, are you making lewd comments about a fellow female officer's, and in this case, superior female officer's, hindquarters? In the presence of the highest ranking officer in your service branch in what, need I remind you, is a completely gender-neutral armed force? Need I also remind you that such actions could neccessitate in you being court-martialed and eventually dishonorably discharged from the said armed force?"
"Yessir. But in my defense, allow me to say... Dat ass."
Shining Armor takes a good long look at Exhibit A, the rump in question. "Dat ass, you say?"
"Yes Cap'n. Dat ass."
"Carry on then."
The Lieutenant sways a bit from side to side on his precarious perch on the barstool, before half-landing, half-falling down on the floor onto all fours.
"I'm going in! Cover me, Cap'n!"
"Get back here, you foal."
The strongly inebriated, one might even say tipsy, Lieutenant has left for his prize.
Shining Armor turns back to the bartender. "What kind of a name is 'Sam' anyways? Never met anyone who's called Sam and I've met a few ponies in my life."
"Whell now. When I took this here establishment as my own when the last owner retired to the country, everyone just called me Sam after the old gelding bastard. Are ye sure you won't try the salt? They say it's a lot better than the Caneighdian stuff we used to have."
"It better. That stuff was horrid. Let's give it a try."
He receives a small plate with a few thin slips of translucent crystals that have a faint bluish tint to them. The barkeep also pours him a small glass of clear liquid next to them. Shining Armor pops one onto his tongue and allows it to melt. And then he gags.
"That's salt for ye. Some ponies just can't handle it, that they can't. Here, wash it down."
Not thinking too well with the burning sensation in his mouth, he downs the exceptionally small glass and the vile liquid inside. He gags even more. Sam pushes a fat slice of lime on him, and Shining Armor hungrily sucks on it to get rid of the horrid taste. When he begins to recuperate, the combination of strong liquour and something that can only be classified as salt from a chemical point of view meet up in his brain and decide to form a chemical conga-line around the gamma-aminobutyric acid (type A) receptors . The sour taste of lime clears his mind and brings the bar back into focus. He is left to stare in wonder at the various coloured bottles on the shelf behind where the barkeep works. For reasons unknown to him, they do a little swaying dance in a kaleidoscope of competing distilleries, wineries and breweries.
Sam returns from serving the other thirsty ponies and snaps him back to what passes for reality for Shining Armor.
"Never thought you'd serve something that makes me less drunk, Sam. You're just as much a con-man as Sight over there."
"That I am. Another one?"
"Hit me."
The second salt shot doesn't feel half as bad as the first, mostly because his mouth is already numb from all the organic solvent abuse it has gone through. After his third one, he opts for another beer.
"What is this donkey piss you keep giving me, Sam? I ordered a lager, not a... this."
"That's what we like to call lager, Your Commandership. It might lose some of its edge after a triple salt-shot. That's what they say at least."
"Well I say it's donkey piss. And I'm the bloody Commander. So it's donkeypissamirite?"
"Of course you are, Your Commandership."
Shining Armor guzzles down half of his pint in one go, with the rest ending up on his chest. "So what kind of a name is 'Sam' anyways?" he re-iterates.
"That's what they call me. Sam The Barkeep's what they say. Don't really bother me, mind you. Me Da did have his ane sort of humour and was one for whiskey too, so I reckon bein' called as Bar Tab wouldn't really make me customers feel at home."
Shining Armor tries to focus his eyes onto the barkeep in front of him. The explanation he has just received seems to have a gigantic logical flaw which he has just found out. "So... So what kind of a name is 'Sam'', anyways?" he asks, before being shoved to the side by his returning friend.
"Would you look at that. It's me mate, Cap'n Armor in the flesh."
"Iron Sight, you rascal. Since when have you been a pinto?"
"Since just a few moments ago. Apparently she didn't take lightly to me telling her how I admired dat ass of hers."
"Mares. Can't live with them, can't live without them."
"I'll drink to that, eh?"
Two ponies sit in a corner table. They aren't drinking any more, because the barkeep doesn't serve them. One of them is holding his chin to the table, almost having passed out from his previous expedition into the land of brain chemistry. The two of them are the only people left, and Sam is picking up the chairs and sweeping the floors. They would have called for a taxi, had they the mindset for it. Right now, the pony reclining on the table is talking.
"... and she's my sister. My own sister. And just look at Cady. She's like a giant. And then I got to thinking about my life, and how I should join the Forneighn Legion and maybe get away. But I had to go to the doctor, see? The little fella won't work with me."
"Bugger off, you sod."
"So I told the doctor, I told her it wouldn't work. And then she winged me and POW!" He slams a hoof onto the table. "I come all over her. Right then and there. And what does she say? And what does that gorgeous little mare say? She says—"
"Gentlecolts, it's high time for you two to be on your way."
"Piss off!" Iron Sight yells at him, and lifts his hoof in a rude gesture.
"Oi! Don't be like that, fellas. It's closing time and you two are going out the door, with no help, or with help from me and Jezebel."
To accentuate his deliberations, he lifts the Lady in question from behind the counter. It's nothing more than a club with some rubber padding so it wouldn't leave too much of a mark, but it drives the point home.
Two minutes later, Shining Armor is holding down Iron Sight on the cobblestone alleyway in front of the Officer's Club. He has managed a full-neighlson hold, and is using the opportunity to speak very loudly into his victim's ear.
"You're my best friend, Sight! Have I ever told you your my best friend! I fucking love you for it you son of a whore."
"Leggo of me you facking twat. Yer ruinin' me fancy getup you horsearsed git."
"But I love you, you handsome stallion you. Nopony else understands me like you. Not my wife, not that fucking therapist, nopony. You're my best friend."
"An' yer me bezzer but if you don' leggo yer gonna get me hoof up yer arse."
"I love you, Sight! But if you fucking touch Cadance I'll geld you with a hammer. You get me? You aren't touching her."
"I facking touch every mare ass I facking well wish you pussywhipped faggot."
"But you're my best buddy, Sight! You wouldn't touch Cady, would you? We're brothers like two... brothers you and me. You're a bastard but I love you! And I want to kiss you right here!" For some reason his grip has loosened up and he is instead pointing his hoof somewhere off to the right of Iron Sight's head. Or at least where his head was before. The Lieutenant has circled around his CO and is now dragging him up from the ground.
"Ya ain't snoggin' me till death do us part, ya ginger bread used Sonky. I'll facking take ye to yer trouble 'n' strife even if yer lallies won't lead ya on the frog and toad, ya wanker."