I open my eyes. I’m lying in my bed, as I do every morning. With a heavy sigh I pull myself into a sitting position. I wearily glance around my room, full of nothing but books, books, Spike's bed, and more books. Books I once loved and held close to my heart, now only bring a heavy feeling of dread. Just last night I was once again required to read a large number of books and submit a lengthy report to the princess. I got it done, of course, as is required of me. However, I felt something I never thought I'd feel: sorrow, sadness, an unending void in my heart as the pages grew heavy. Last night I cried. I cried myself to sleep for the first time since I can remember.
Now here I am, another day. Another day of being the perfect student, the go-to mare. I sigh again as I pull myself out of my bed. A slow walk quickly put me in front of my vanity mirror. I look into my eyes and I see a tired, yet cheerful young filly filled with so much life and joy. But I know it's false, a mask to hide myself from the world. I don't want others to know me deep down, the revelation would change their entire view of me. I don't want pity, I don't want ponies to look at me sadly, I don't want their help.
I levitate the various mane, tail, and coat brushes around my body and fix myself to a more proper appearance that's more acceptable to society. Heh, society, something I was spared from experiencing while I stayed in the towers of Canterlot Castle. I learned rather quickly that multiple ponies in a given area that happen to view things the same way form a society. Each society differs from place to place, but there is one constant: behavior different than the standards set by a society make the pony performing or behaving in such a way to become an outcast in some way. Spike's too young to notice the looks ponies give us, but I see them. They're the kind of looks that say "Look at her, finally out of the library" or "She's still here? I thought she went back to Canterlot" and "She doesn't belong here."
I tried to change their views, I really did. I partook in Winter Wrap Up and did my best to solve the towns various problems, even picnic with my friends, but nothing changes. I only have the friends I have now because of the trials we faced together during the brief time Nightmare Moon escaped, and that was only because they were suspicious of me in the first place. Since then I was able to see the wonders of friendship, but I was also able to see the disadvantages.
Before coming to Ponyville my workload of studies was massive. Every day I read over twenty five books on various subjects, learned numerous spells, and reported my findings to the princess in a professional manner. Now though, with time spent with friends, my workload has more than doubled. I'm doing everything I did in Canterlot plus spending time with my friends, learning from them, fixing their mostly petty problems, and generally being busy from the moment I get out of bed to three or four in the morning just to stay on time with my studies.
I shake my head; I've been staring at my reflection for the better part of ten minutes. I turn around and leave my room, my bed's a mess but I find myself unable to bring myself to make it properly. I reach the bottom of the stairs and find Spike sitting impatiently at the table.
"About time you get down here, I'm starving!" He exclaims as I clamber into my chair. In front of me is what I always eat for breakfast, a daisy salad sandwich. I can feel my taste buds die and my stomach threaten to reject the food.
"Sorry, Spike, I guess I'm just not that hungry." I say, thankfully my stomach remains silent, for I am very hungry, just not for that. "Go ahead and eat without me, I'll put this in the fridge for later." Yeah right, this is probably going to be forgotten in the back to rot until we clean the fridge next month.
"But Twilight, we always eat breakfast together!" Spike exclaims again, why does he have to be so loud in the morning? Or all the time, for that matter?
"Alright, I'll just have a small snack." I say as I return to the table with a carrot held in my magic. Why a carrot and not an apple? I'm getting sick of apples, just like the sandwich.
"A snack for breakfast? You never let me have snacks for breakfast!" he protests, typical.
I suppress a sigh, "This is a healthy snack, not the junk food and candy you always want. Now eat your gems so we can start our day."
Suddenly somepony gasps loudly from behind me, "You don't let him eat snacks for breakfast?!? That's horrible! I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't have any!!"
"Pinkie," I say as I face hoof, "what are you doing here this early in the morning?"
"Oh you know, this and that." I got the distinct feeling that there was an ulterior motive to Pinkie's presence, but memories of the last time I tried to figure out Pinkie made me cringe with shivers running up my spine. I decide to do what everypony does, ignore her.
"Anyway, what do we have today, Spike?"
"Let's see..." he trails off as he pulls a familiar list from behind him. It's probably from a pocket dimension accessible only by dragons. "We should be getting a new shipment of books in today!"
Great. Just great. More books to read through, categorize, then I would have to reorganize the entire library to make room for them, then I need to send another summary to the princess. The very thought is making me want to puke.
"Twilight," I turn to the voice and I see Pinkie staring intently into my eyes. "Are you okay?"
I freeze, the way and tone she asks, it sounded like she knew something was wrong. Should I tell her the truth? Will she believe me or will she laugh at me, thinking I'm being silly again? I don't know, I want to tell somepony but I can't! They don't know what's going on, they won't think it was possible for me to feel like this, like I have an empty void that's always been there but I just recently noticed. Luckily, Spike saves me.
"Course she's fine, she's just not as hungry as usual."
"Okie dokie!" Pinkie says with a smile, "Whelp, I need to start baking for the day, see ya later!" she calls as she leaves the library. I breathe a sigh of relief.
"I should probably head out to the post office and see if the books came in yet." Spike says as he placed his bowl in the sink.
"Okay, go on without me. I'm going to finish my carrot." I say as he waddles off.
I hear the door slam shut a second time, marking his departure. I look back to my carrot; I've taken three bites out of it. I bring it up to my mouth and take another bite. I suddenly don't want the carrot anymore, nor am I hungry. I felt empty again, empty and alone with nothing to hold onto. I lay my head on the table and just sit there for the longest time. Eventually the sound of the door opening jolts me into action. I jump out of the chair and put the carrot back in the fridge as Spike announces his return.
"Twilight! I'm back!" he yells. I close the fridge as I hear a loud thud of something heavy being set down. I walk into the main room to find Spike standing next to a larger than average box of books. "Sorry it took so long, this thing weighs a ton!"
I suppress another sigh, "It's okay, Spike. This is going to take me all day, so if you want you can have the day off." It wasn’t really a lie; normally this amount of books and the work required would easily take about fifteen hours. I also don’t want him to see me struggle with myself over them.
"Oh sweet! The crusaders said they had something planned that they needed my help with, so I'll see you tonight, okay?" he asks, as if he needed my permission to go out and play.
"Sure Spike, just try to stay out of too much trouble." As soon as the words left my mouth he was already out the door.
I turn to contemplate the large box of books. With a flick of magic the top opens and I begin to pull out each book. Forty seven books later I find myself in the center of a large circle of literature. I grabbed one at random and I set out to do my duty. I open the cover and begin to read. My mind instantly starts to wander and the book slips from my grasp. I shake my head and try again, but with less success. I can't keep my eyes on the pages, so I close that book and grab the one next to it. I run into the same obstacle. I sit for a moment and think, and then I realize that I really didn't want to read these books. I knew I didn't before but now it's like my body is outright rejecting them, much like it rejected the idea of eating.
I heard the sound of water pitter-pattering, I look out the window but it's not raining, yet the sound continues. I look down at the still open book in my arms and I see the pages wet with droplets of water. I sniff and wipe my eyes. My hoof comes back wet. Have I been crying? I don't feel like I'm crying, but the tears won't be denied.
I try to stop, I try to regain my composure but the tears try harder to escape. Soon I'm scrunching my face up in silent sobs, and I don't know why. Why can't I stop crying? Why are my beloved books making me feel like this? Maybe I just need to let it all out, just cry for a bit for the sake of crying.
I manage to compose myself enough to walk to the front of an old chest. I don’t feel like using my magic anymore, so I simply opened it with my hooves. I search inside for my Smarty Pants doll, the simple item that acted as my center that I always clung to when I was a filly. I move some random items aside to find the bare wood of the bottom of the box. Did I somehow miss it? I search again, hooves coming up empty.
It's gone. My Smarty Pants doll is gone. I feel my chest begin to tighten to painful levels as new tears stream from my eyes once more. Where could it have gone? Was it when I enchanted her? Was it lost in the ensuing chaos of my spell? How could I have forgotten about it for so long? Big Mac, he had it last, that much I remember, maybe he knows what happened to it? But how can I ask him about it without me sounding like a little filly? He would laugh at me, and then get the others to join in about how I want my raggedy doll back.
The realization that I will never see my beloved Smarty Pants doll ever again struck me to the core. I curl into a ball and sob loudly, I no longer care if anypony finds out. I no longer care about anything. I hate my studies, I hate the ponies in this town, I hate being dependable, I hate this uncontrollable sobbing, this feeling of hopelessness.
I cry for a long time, I cry until my tears won't come anymore, I cry until I couldn't cry anymore. So I lay here, sobbing dry sobs, thinking about everything in my life. As hard as I try, I can only remember the pain of the emptiness inside, the vast amount of pressure to succeed. Pressure from my teacher, my brother, my parents, and the university professors all silently judging me. I’m tired of it, of everything. I don't want to be the pony they expect me to be. I worked so hard all my life, for the sole purpose of continuing to work hard.
I've had enough of this place, the constant duty, the overbearing responsibility, all of it. I want it to end. I want the pain to go away. I want to go away. Far from here, far from this place, far from the princess I once looked up to. So far away. But where would I go? How would I get there? My friends and I followed Applejack to the end of Equestria when she said she wasn't coming back, what's to stop them from doing the same to me?
I could kill myself.
Where did that thought come from? I've never thought like that, I've never even heard of a pony try to do that to themselves. The thought scares me; the fact that I thought that scares me even more. I try to cry from fear, but all that comes out is a weak sob.
And so I lie here, curled into a ball in front of an empty chest with my old belongings scattered around me. I lie here thinking, it would be so easy. So easy to just get a little bit of rope. I could tie one end to the guard rail on the second floor, the other end in a loop, just far enough from the floor to prevent my hooves from touching the ground. Then I would be free. No longer would I feel this emptiness, this endless despair, this feeling of utter hopelessness. I would be free, truly free of everything.
But what about Spike? If anything, I need to make sure he has somepony to look after him. After a few more minutes, I decide on a plan of action. I get up and walk through the old junk I once called precious toys. I check myself in the mirror, I look like I just spent a week in Tartarus, nothing a bit of magic can't solve.
A burst of magic later I walk out of the library into the evening sun. I ignore the stares, the looks the other ponies threw at me. They never knew I noticed them. As quickly as possible I arrive at the local boutique and knock on the door. A moment later Rarity answers.
"Welcome to- Oh Twilight, what a pleasure to see you here. Did you need a dress designed? I hope you do, purple is going to be all the rave this year, I can feel it." She says excitedly.
"No thanks, Rarity. May I come in? I need to talk to you." I ask hesitantly.
"But of course darling, I always have time for my friends!" Rarity says as she holds the door open for me.
I walk inside and turn around as she closes the door, "I was thinking, would you be able to watch Spike if I were to be gone?" forever, I want to add.
"What do you mean, 'gone?' Are you planning on going somewhere?" she asks with eyes full of concern. Uh oh, I don't want her to worry.
"No but if I get called to Canterlot suddenly, do you think you could watch Spike?" saved it.
"Oh but of course, dearie, I will always look after my little Spikey-Wikey while you're away!"
"Okay, thanks Rarity. I need to get to Applejack's to pick up some stuff, so I'll see you later okay?" I say, then I lean forward to get one last, deep hug from my dear friend.
"Oh, such affection, is there something you're not telling me?" Rarity asks while she flutters her eyelashes at me with a sultry look. I can’t help but giggle.
"Oh Rarity." I say as I let go and make my way to the door. "I hope you never change." I mutter under my breath as I leave.
I close the door before she could say anymore and set off down the road to Applejack’s farm. On the way, I can’t help but take one last look around at my surroundings as I pass them by. Before I know it, I’m at the main barn, with Applejack stowing away her stall until the next market day. I sigh once more before trotting up to speak to her.
“Oh hey Twi, what brings ya ta this here farm?” she asks of me.
I rehearse the lines in my head before I speak, “Oh, you know, this and that.” Smooth, she’ll never know. “I-I mean, I came to borrow some things for an experiment.”
“Yer not after one of mah trees or plan on turning mah livelihood inta oranges, are ya?” Applejack asks me sternly. Okay, so I got a little excited about the entire apples to oranges thing.
“No AJ, I just need some strong rope for a … strength test! That’s it, a strength test to see how strong your rope is.”
“No! Ya aint breaken mah rope!” AJ nearly yells, almost as though her rope was her own kin.
“It won’t break AJ, it’s a simple spell the stretches their fibers and determines the amount of force it would require to break them. In fact, let me get three ropes of different ages, make them about six meters long and I’ll get them all tested so you don’t accidently break a rope.” I state as logically as I can. Of course, I’ll only be using one rope, but I need to keep up appearances.
“Well, when you put it like that, I suppose I could part with a few fer a bit.” She says as she turns to walk back into the barn.
“Jus wait right there and ah’ll get em lickity split.” She disappears into the barn for a few seconds before she comes back out with a few lengths of rope in various states of use. I grab them from her mouth and hold them above my head with my magic.
“Goodbye, AJ, thanks for everything.” I say and give her a long hug.
“Goodbye? Ah don’t know what yer talken about, but ah’ll see ya come tomorrow morning ta get mah rope back, yah hear?”
“I hear you, AJ.” I say as we broke apart and head our separate ways. I make my way through the east side of the orchard, coming out at Fluttershy’s cottage.
I’m taken aback by the sight; it looks like most of my friends are here. Fluttershy’s flying around from critter to critter while Rainbow, Pinkie, Spike, and the three crusaders are playing a game of some sort. Rainbow’s the first to notice me.
“Hey Twi, what are you doing way out here? Spike said you were going to be busy with a bunch of books or something. Oh! Did the new Daring Doo come out yet?!” Rainbow says, as energetic as always.
“Rainbow, you know as well as I do that they won’t hit shelves for another month and a half. And yes, I am quite busy, but I wanted to see you girls first.” I tell them all.
“‘See us first?’ What are you about to do?” Asks Pinkie Pie, once more staring at me intently.
“And what’s with the rope?” Spike asks. Luckily, I thought of a response ahead of time.
“I need to perform a strength test on some of AJ’s rope with a new spell I found, and reshelf the entire library, you know how crazy it is. I also wanted to get some of Fluttershy’s herbal tea to drink before I go.” I say as I look to Fluttershy expectantly. She took the queue and flutters back into her cottage, emerging a moment later with the bag of crushed herbs.
“Here you go Twilight, I hope you enjoy them.” She says.
“Thanks Fluttershy.” I say, and then I gathered them all up in my arms for a large hug, much to the displeasure of Scootaloo. “Bye girls…” I mutter, the tears threaten to return so I break away. I turn before they could see and wave at them over my shoulder as I trot back to the library with my tea and rope.
I make it back to the library without incident. I set the rope off to the side and take the tea into the kitchen. I put a tea kettle on the stove to boil and go up to my room. Soon I hear the whistling sound of the tea kettle, signaling the water is ready. I head back downstairs with a picture floating at my side. I take the tea off the heat and dump more than half of the leaves into a large cup, then pour the water in and mix the leaves up.
I move out into the main room, under the banister. I set the picture down in front of me as I begin to sip the tea. It was way too strong, but that’s okay. I want to taste as much of this lovely tea while I still can. I stare at the picture in front of me, it was one of the only ones I had of all of us. It was me, Spike on my back, Fluttershy and Rarity on my right with AJ and Dash on my left. Pinkie was in the center, laying down in some odd pose, while at the far ends were Princess Celestia and Luna. Behind me stood my dear brother, and next to him was my sister in law Cadence with my mom and dad on either side.
The tears start flowing again, some get into my tea, adding a bit of a salty flavor, but I don’t care. I’m too busy thinking about all the fun and crazy adventures we had together since the very start. As I near the end of memory lane, I start to feel the emptiness once again, the pit of despair. The tears come faster, almost desperate to leave my eyes. I cover my face with my hooves and sob uncontrollably for a time.
I finally gain the will to move again, my final movements, all in the effort to make the pain go away. I tie an end of AJ’s strongest rope to the banister above me, and slide a chair directly underneath. I hold the picture of my friends and family to my chest as I rear back on my hind legs. I delicately tie the other end of the rope around my neck, giving it a swift tug to make sure it won’t come undone. I take one last look at the photo, tears streaming down my muzzle, as I take that one last step forward.
The next thing I see is a pink blur burst into my house and somehow manage to untie the rope before my weight held it taunt. I hit the floor hard, knocking the wind from my lungs. I gasp for air as I find my footing, and look up to see a furious Pinkie Pie.
“What the BUCK are you thinking Twilight?! You’re lucky my Pinkie sense told me to come find you!” She yells. I can’t find the words, she had caught me in the act, there’s no way I’m going to be able to talk this down. Not that my body will let me in the first place. As I look at the furious mare, all I can think is that she saved my life. She saved me so I can continue to live a life of utter despair, and I hate her for it. I hate that she cared. Yet, all I could do was leap into her arms as the tears broke through the dam.
She held me as we sit here, her once poofy mane now lying flat against her as it soaked up my seemingly endless tears. Eventually, Pinkie broke the hug and held me at arm’s length.
“Twilight, I don’t know what caused you to come to this decision, and if you don’t want to tell me that’s okay. What I will do, is tell you a story, all you have to do is listen, okay?” she asks. I nod; I could use a good story to distract myself right about now.
“Okay, remember my cutie mark story?” she asks. I nod once again, sniffing back some of the tears. “Ever wonder why I never talk about my sisters? It’s because of what happened directly after the party. We all had work to do, so my parents and sisters left toward the east field as I was left with the cleanup.
“It took a while, but I eventually got the silo cleaned, then I headed out to join my family at the base of one of the larger rock piles. However, when I saw them I decided to yell out an excited greeting. They stopped to wave back, and that’s when we felt the tremors.
“Dashie’s Sonic Rainboom loosened the rocks, and my shout was the last straw to start a small avalanche. My parents acted on years of honed skills to escape the cascade of rocks, but my sister’s weren’t so lucky.
“They weren’t buried alive to be rescued, Twilight. The rocks, they tore my sisters to pieces as they bounced and slid. I know what you’re thinking, how can sifting through rocks to pick out the bits and pieces of my younger sisters not be the worst part of this story? Because it was my fault. My parents blamed me, I blamed me. My special talent got my sisters killed. Not a day went by where I thought through different scenarios. What if I never threw the party in the silo? Would I have joined my sisters in death or would we have noticed the unstable foundation and done things safely?
“For three months I couldn’t eat, sleep, or work. Everything reminded me of them. My parents still to this day blame me for the accident; in fact they chased me off the farm. I wandered the wilderness, starved and cold, and found my way to Ponyville. I was hungry, so I was searching though trash when I was found by the Cakes. They took me in, but it wasn’t enough. I wouldn’t speak and only ate what they gave me.
“Eventually I had enough of the pain, the sorrow, the guilt. So I decided to end my own life. I snuck downstairs one night and got into the kitchen. I grabbed a large knife and tried to cut my throat open. Fortunately, the knife was a dull cake knife that barely pierced the skin. The Cakes heard my pained whimpers and found me on their kitchen floor covered in blood, sawing at my neck with the knife.
“They stopped me and took me to the hospital where I was patched up. The next day I was talking to a psychologist, within minutes I told him every detail and became a sobbing wreck. From that moment the Cakes decided to adopt me, and through therapy I was able to change my life around. I never again want anypony to feel the way I did, so I made it my goal in life to make as many ponies as I can as happy as they can be.”
I sat there, stunned, as Pinkie finished her own story. She wiped her tears away before looking back into my eyes. As I looked into hers I could see the pain she spoke of still there as fresh as the day it happened, but she was able to use that pain and it made her stronger. Maybe I could do that too.
“Come on Twilight, let’s get you to the hospital where you can meet my doctor. I have no doubt in my mind that he will be able to make everything better, okay?”
I nod, and together we leave the comfort of the library, and I take my first steps towards being a new mare, a stronger mare.