“TV is chewing gum for the eyes, and Pinkie Pie is the taffy.” — Frank Lloyd Wright
Everything in the room was made up of dark, angular shapes that constantly shifted and refitted themselves together. Walls turned into hallways and hallways became staircases that reconnected to themselves in ways that were physically impossible. Corners became rounded, then sharp, then rounded again, as if the gray stone was breathing.
I wasn't sure what I was doing there or how I had ended up in that room, but something was driving me to keep walking forward. The floor was filled with holes and randomly placed steps would periodically pop out of the ground with no warning, which made my progress slow to a snail's pace as I struggled to keep my footing.
All the while, the pieces shuffled around and rearranged themselves in sickening patterns. It was like something out of M. C. Escher's acid trips.
At last I reached the mirror at the end of the room. It was a plain reflective mirror like you would find in your bathroom, and it wasn't even clean. Spots of filth and streaks of dust marred the reflection, but I struggled forward to see what was in it just the same. I didn't know why, but it was absolutely necessary that I see myself...
“Good moooorning!”
I abruptly woke up from the unexpected call and got tangled in the blankets. In my struggle to free myself, I managed to fall off the side of the bed and slammed face-first into the wooden floor with a thwump.
Huh? I thought blearily. What the hell happened to my carpet? This isn't my room.
“Are you alright, Jesse? What happened?” came the voice of Twilight Sparkle, whose mane was sticking out in every direction as she climbed out of bed somewhat more carefully than I had.
Holy shit, is that a purple unicorn? I thought blearily. Then, in a flash, the events of the previous day came back to me. I'm in Equestria, about to start day two, I reminded myself.
“Yeah, I'm fine.”
Pinkie Pie's head popped up from the staircase. “I made paaancaaakes!” she sang as polka music randomly started playing from nowhere. “Ohhh, pancakes, pancakes, come and eat some panca—” The music stopped with a record-scratch and she stared at me. “What's that black stuff all over your face?”
“Huh?” I freed myself from the blankets and walked up to a big mirror that was hanging on the wall. My hair was almost as messed up as Twilight's, but the only unusual thing was the stubble on my chin and cheeks.
“I just need to shave, that's all. I'll need to get a razor and some hot water, but I can take care of this.”
Twilight stared at my chest as I turned back around. “What are those things?” she asked as Spike turned over and tried his best to ignore us as he went back to sleep.
“Huh? Those are my nipples.”
“Ooooh,” Pinkie bounced up to me to get a closer look and shoved her nose right up against my skin. “Those are so weird! Do they do anything?”
“Well, when it gets cold enough I can use them to cut diamonds.”
“Really?” Twilight looked very interested.
“No, not really. I was just...What are you doing, Pinkie?”
Pinkie Pie stopped messing with the side of my pants. “Sorry, but I just realized that we never got to see what your cutie mark looks like.”
It took me a second to realize what she was talking about. It bothered me that they called those things on their flanks “cutie marks;” it seemed odd to give such an effeminate name to something that affected both genders.
“I don't have one. Humans don't get them.”
“Oh,” Pinkie ears drooped slightly in disappointment, then perked up again. “Well, what are we still doing up here? I didn't make a bunch of pancakes just to let them get cold, you know!” She hopped briskly down the stairs, humming the tune from the polka music to herself.
While Twilight levitated a brush through her hair until her bangs were back to their customary neatness, I picked my shirt up from its place on the floor and slipped it back on. It was already beginning to smell like dried sweat and had a new hole in the back. I made a mental note to ask about getting some new clothes after breakfast.
Twilight came up behind me. “I noticed that you were out on the balcony last night and it sounded like you were talking to somepony. What was that about?”
“Oh! I completely forgot about that.” I told her about Luna's visit and our conversation as we walked down the stairs together. I finished just as Pinkie, who was now wearing a gigantic white chef's hat and pink apron, brought out a massive plate of pancakes and set it on the table next to a bottle of maple syrup.
“And we're all invited to the Autumn Festival?” Twilight turned to Pinkie. “We'd better all see Rarity and get some new dresses made.”
“Ooooh, that sounds like fun!” Pinkie clopped her hooves together. “I'll go tell everypony right away!” Without another word, she bounced out the door.
After Twilight and I finished our pancakes, we got back to documenting everything that I knew about Earth for a few hours. This time, I opted to share some of what I thought were the more interesting tidbits of history. This included the death of Aeschylus (I just called him Archie the Philosopher because his name is literally impossible to pronounce), the Helepolis and how it was disabled during the siege of Rhodes, the almost-war between Michigan and Ohio over who owned Toledo, the sinking of the U-1206, and how much of a total prick Thomas Edison was. (If you're not sure what makes any of those so remarkable, remember that Google is your friend. And friendship is magic.)
Just as I was starting on the U.S. re-invasion of Kiska—in which over a hundred soldiers were killed or wounded despite there being exactly zero enemies on the island—Pinkie Pie came back. It might be more accurate to say “she suddenly burst into the library, grabbed Twilight and myself by the hair, and dragged us away into Rarity's dress shop without a word of explanation while Spike was left behind to sort the notes again.” Actually, let's just go with that instead, since I've already written it down.
“Got 'em!” Pinkie declared happily after she dumped us unceremoniously to the store's floor.
“Thank you, darling,” Rarity said without looking up from the rich purple cloth that she was draping over a horse-shaped mannequin. She had a pair of red glasses perched on the end of her nose and a long measuring tape hanging over her back. Pinkie trotted back outside, humming yet another upbeat tune.
“What's going on?” Twilight asked as Pinkie's voice faded away.
Rarity fussed with the cloth for a few more seconds before turning to us. “Oh, Pinkie Pie mentioned that Princess Luna has invited us all to the Autumn Festival and that we will need new dresses for it. If we only have until next week, I want to get started right away. I already have a few designs that—Sweetie Belle, come down from there this instant!”
“Awww, but can't I at least have one chance to get an alien-catching cutie mark?” A smaller white unicorn with pink and purple hair whined. She was perched on top of one of the several supply cupboards behind us and holding a large butterfly net. It looked like she'd been about to pounce on me.
Rarity hardened her stare. “I already told you no, and that's final. Now why don't you go find your friends and try to earn your cutie marks doing something else?”
“Alright,” Sweetie Belle grumbled. She dropped her net to the floor, carefully climbed down, and headed out the door.
Rarity sighed as the door closed again. “I'm terribly sorry about that. I'm not sure what goes on in her head sometimes. Anyway, Jesse, would you kindly come over here so that I can take some measurements?”
“Alright,” I said a bit uncomfortably. “But I'm not sure how I'm gonna pay for this.”
“Oh, don't worry about that, darling,” Rarity smiled reassuringly at me. “I won't charge you a thing.”
“Businesses don't work that way,” I objected. “And Applejack did the same thing yesterday. How do you ponies manage to make a profit if you don't make your customers pay?”
Despite my protests, Rarity insisted on making me some clothes for free (she won the argument by default after mentioning that she's the Element of Generosity, which was apparently common knowledge in Ponyville). The measuring took only a few minutes, then Rarity cut a few pieces of several types of cloth and started stitching them together. She then added buttons, pockets, hems, and a few things that I didn't know the name of. The floor became littered with scraps of cloth and spools of thread. Within a half hour, she had created a stately three-piece suit for me.
“This is really nice,” I said as I stepped out from behind the changing screen. In truth, the sleeves were a little long and the waistband felt a bit tight, but I remembered how she could obsess over tiny details and thought better of bringing a few minor discomforts to her attention. Besides, she was already making a second, less formal outfit from the same measurements.
“Hmmm,” Rarity paused in her work and narrowed her eyes as she looked me over. “You do look quite fetching, but something's not right here.”
“Shoes?” Twilight offered and pointed at my still-bare feet.
“Well, those too. But I was thinking it might be the hair, especially that growth on his face.”
I unconsciously rubbed at the rugged stubs poking out of my cheeks and chin again. “I was going to shave as soon as I got my hands on a razor. Is there anywhere around here that I can get one?”
“I've got a better idea. Twilight, darling, do you think you could use that spell that gave Spike that awful mustache to make his whiskers grow out?”
Twilight thought for a moment. “Well, I can try.” She screwed her eyes shut and made her horn glow purple.
My face suddenly felt like it was melting. I could feel my skin warping and stretching unnaturally as my stubble forced its way out. The sensation only lasted for two seconds, but those moments were one of the most bizarrely uncomfortable experiences that I have ever had.
When the tingling stopped and the glowing faded, Twilight opened her eyes to see her handiwork. Her mouth then dropped open as if she were seeing me for the first time again. “Oh my...”
“I...that's...” Rarity was at a loss for words as well.
I tried to feel my face, but my hand stopped a couple of inches away from my skin when my fingers were stopped by a bulk of rough hair. I sprinted to the nearest mirror to see what went wrong, and as soon as I saw my reflection...
“The fuck did you do to me?”
My beard had grown out so much that the mass of wiry black hairs hung to my waist. I could have applied to be the new guitarist for ZZ Top and been accepted for beardliness alone. I was a hobbit before, but now I look like a younger version of Gandalf! Or another hobo.
“Don't worry,” Rarity tried to sound confident and forced another smile. “We can fix this. Oh goodness, I hope we can fix this. I must say, I imagined this makeover going a bit differently.”
“Maybe we shouldn't use magic this time,” Twilight proffered. “That's twice now that my spells have messed up around him. Do you have any extra scissors around?”
* * * * *
It was about three or four in the afternoon when I stepped out of the store, leaving Twilight to discuss the particulars of her dress with Rarity. The unicorns had cut my hair and trimmed my beard down to a crisp black mustache and sharp goatee, which I felt much more comfortable wearing. They had almost decapitated me with the scissors only twice in the process, which was about on par with my regular self-grooming skills.
I'd swapped out the suit for a few different outfits before settling on a more relaxed crimson vest that Rarity had put together. Together with the black undershirt, new pants, and even a shiny belt, it finally felt like I was properly dressed.
My favorite part of the ensemble was the new pair of oxfords. I couldn't tell what materials Rarity had used, but the shoes looked like they were made from treated gray leather and felt great. All in all, I thought that I looked pretty good. They come runnin' just as fast as they can, 'cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. I was still had ZZ Top on my mind, can you tell?
“There you are!” Rainbow Dash's voice called out from an overhead cloud and cut my thoughts short. “I've been looking for you all over. Did you forget what I said yesterday?”
“I didn't forget,” I shouted back. “But I've been stuck in Rarity's shop for hours. Did Pinkie Pie tell you about the festival?”
Rainbow flew down from the cloud so that we wouldn't have to talk so loudly. “You mean the thing that Luna invited us to? Yeah, Rarity said earlier that she's already got something planned out for me.” As she landed, she took another at me. “What happened to your face? That black stuff wasn't there last night.”
“Long story. Anyway, you said that you wanted to show me how you fly?”
She seemed to take that as a challenge. “Oh yeah. I bet you've never seen anything like this!”
With that, she sprang back into the sky, leaving behind a multicolored streak in her wake. Sudden holes appeared in the clouds that were scattered across the sky, much to the irritation of the spying pegasi who were hiding in them (would they ever stop doing that?), followed by sudden gusts of wind that blew the leaves and dust around without any clear pattern. A few of the buildings had shingles or chunks of thatch fall from their roofs as she pulled off some daringly low loops and spins.
Suddenly Rainbow was back. It had taken her ten seconds flat to go across just about every inch of sky, but she wasn't even breathing hard. “How'd you like that?” She said proudly as she struck a victorious pose. “I bet you've never seen anything go that fast!”
“That was really cool,” I said, pretty impressed. “And no, I don't think I've ever seen anything that fast. Not personally, anyway.”
Rainbow didn't seem quite satisfied with that, but then she put on a wicked, devious grin. “Well, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Get ready for a little pain, 'cause your jaw is gonna drop right off your face when you see me pull off the ultimate stunt: the Sonic Rainboom!”
She took off again and headed straight up into the sky, gaining as much altitude as she could. Within seconds, she was so far away that the only indication of where she went was a faint rainbow trail, and then even that faded. For a moment, there was absolutely nothing to see.
Then the colorful trail reappeared, heading at a steep angle at breakneck speed. Even from such a long distance, I could see the cone-shaped air barrier forming up in front of Rainbow as she streaked right back towards Ponyville. Little blurs of various colors and sparks of electricity flowed around her body.
As she came closer, I saw that she had one front hoof stretched out in front with the other pulled up close to her body, as if she was trying to punch the air in the face.
She's not gonna make it, part of my mind whispered.
A fraction of a second after that thought, the air bubble collapsed in on itself and sent Rainbow spinning off course. “WHOOOOA!” she cried out as she bounced off the street and went smashed through a house's door. There was a quick series of ear-shattering crashes and crunches before she blasted out the window on the opposite side of the building. She finally crashed to a halt in a nearby bush that had been perfectly trimmed a minute before.
“Unghhh,” she moaned softly. Her eyeballs were still spinning around in their sockets and her wings' feathers were sticking out in weird directions.
“You alright?” I rushed over and knelt down next to her. “How many fingers am I holding up?”
Rainbow took a few moments to focus her unevenly dilated pupils and count. “Nineteen,” she muttered and shut her eyes. “I...I think I'm gonna be sick.”
“What's going on out here?” Twilight and Rarity had just walked out of the boutique and seemed surprised to see the damaged house.
“We've had a, uh, minor accident,” I explained. Rainbow was sitting up now and rubbing at a lump that was growing on the side of her head. A bunch of leaves and twigs were stuck in her mane.
At the sight of the disheveled pegasus, the unicorns seemed to understand completely. Rarity narrowed her eyes and stamped a hoof in frustration. “Did you just try to do the Rainboom over Ponyville again? Didn't we make it clear that you're supposed to do that outside of town after you went right through my windows? I kept finding new shards of glass in my hooves for weeks afterwards.”
“Uh, my bad?” Rainbow put on a guilty, toothy smile that failed to disperse the glares from Rarity, Twilight, and a number of other ponies who were staring at what was going on (and not me, for the moment).
Rainbow sighed and threw her hooves in the air. “Alright, alright. I'm sorry about wrecking that house and all that stuff. I won't do it again. Now, can everypony move on with that whole 'forgiveness' thing?”
A bunch of the ponies rolled their eyes and went back to whatever they were doing before the crash without more than a few backwards glances.
“Are they really just going to let you get away with it that easy?” I asked in surprise as the crowd dispersed.
“Yeah,” Rainbow laughed. She'd gotten her sly smirk back. “They let it go every time. Say you're sorry once and they'll forget it even happened. Buncha suckers.”
“Well,” said Rarity as she stepped closer. “Perhaps it's time for the 'buncha suckers,' as you so delicately put it, to remind you that there are repercussions for putting everypony in danger with your antics. And for damaging property that's not yours.” Her statement was punctuated by a splintered stub of wood snapping off from the damaged house's broken window shutter and falling to the ground.
Rainbow groaned in annoyance. “Alright, I'll fix this place later. First I—”
“You'll fix it now,” Twilight interjected forcefully. “Last time you put something off, Fluttershy's rabbits got flooded out of their holes. We told you to move that particular raincloud to the east, didn't we?”
"Fine, I'll fix it now!” Rainbow was really starting to get agitated.
“Good,” Rarity seemed satisfied. “When you're finished, come find me and we'll make sure that your new dress fits properly.” She then turned around and headed back to her shop.
“'Fits perfectly,'” Rainbow scoffed too quietly for Rarity to hear as she picked up the bits of broken window. “Oh, I bet I could make your head fit perfectly in a...in a...” She scowled even deeper as she struggled to come up with something that made sense.
Twilight tugged at my vest and led me away from the fuming pegasus. “Is she gonna be alright?” I asked once we were out of earshot.
“She will be in a few hours. Once she's finished, she'll calm down and things will be back to normal.”
I nodded and glanced around. I didn't recognize the buildings here. “Where are we going, anyway?”
“The farmer's market. I wanted to pick up a few things to make dinner.” She paused to think for a second. “Actually, would you mind making some Earth food tonight? I always like trying out new things.”
I took a moment to think as well. As we took a turn and were able to clearly see the lines of produce stalls, a cart piled high with kidney beans caught my eye. A sudden craving entered my mind.
“Actually, there is something that I could try to make.”