Saviors of Nothing

by Stillmatic

Chapter 1: Welcome to the Honor Guard

Mornings. He always did like mornings, however tedious they could get. As for his shifts, they began early, and he was always up at the mandated time for a guard. Six A.M. was not a time many liked to be up at, but a job was a job, and this paid somewhat decently for the amount of work he put in. His name was Sunshine Drip, a Royal Honor Guard stationed wherever it was that Princess Celestia needed him, no matter how ridiculous the request was. And frankly, they got quite ridiculous.

As he passed through the botany gardens and around the hedges surrounding the statues, the stallion stopped by a pond to gaze at his reflection. Sunshine Drip wasn't stunning, nor hideous by any regards, but as he preferred for the most part, he could definitely stay under the radar. A light-grey coat, darker colored mane, and brown eyes were all that seemed to compose him past his armor. Atop his helmet was a hole that let his horn through, and another for his mane. His Cutie Mark, an effigy of the sun wearing a pair of shades and little droplets of sunshine coming off it, was one in a million.

"Sexy," he complimented towards himself while flexing his forelegs.

Moving forward, the unicorn guard trotted into the Royal Greenhouse and took a plant waterer in his magical grip. He began pouring a shower over the plants he passed as he did every morning, making sure they all got their fill of the precious liquid. Five minutes into his job, hoofsteps from outside made themselves apparent. The stallion turned to see someone turning the doorknob and entering.

Lance Corporal Wyk poked his head in and looked at his partner, "You're early."

"I am. Got a problem with that, bub?"

Wyk closed the door behind him, "You got real tough since you dyed your mane, didn't you, Viz?"

The nicknamed guard in question ran a hoof through the parts of his mane that broke free from the top of the helmet, "Jealous, as usual, of my voluptuous and volumetric mane? It is all natural, after all."

There was a series of chortles and suppressed laughter from both guards. Wyk, technically Viz's subordinate, was actually listed on the palace personnel sheet as Hazy Lotuses, but neither Viz nor Wyk really went by their real names, as embarrassing as they were. Although, there was many a time where the other guards, ragamuffins the bunch of them, would mock the two by calling them by their legal names, usually to provoke a colorful response from the two substandard soldiers.

Greenhouse duty was a joke to every guard in the palace. It was boring, hot, and lasted a total of six hours. In those six hours, the two guards stationed there had one duty: water the plants. It wasn't to say that it was a very hard job, but rather that each plant needed a certain amount of water applied at a certain time. So it was more of a precise job than anything else. Why Wyk and Viz were put on greenhouse duty again and again was mystery to both of them. In the past year, they had managed to cause the tragic deaths of over thirty plants and had also managed to lose several canisters of rare Zebrisian fertilizer. These mistakes were overruled by their incompetence and lack to manage any other job, however, and so Viz and Wyk began their day watering tulips, roses, and the dreaded venus fly trap which was more of a mutant than plant.

Viz watered a potted poison joke before setting down the tool, "So, how was that charity party last night? I heard things got pretty wild."

"I can't remember applecakes." Wyk rubbed at his armored neck, "The collar on this is driving me nuts. That party was wack, and not the good kind either. You know Daisy Dancer, that chick from Las Pegasus?"

"What of her?"

"She got wasted on that cheap wine they give out for free at the bar! Then some dude caught her blowing one of Princess Luna's personal guards on that mezzanine in the west wing!" Wyk snickered.

"Damn. Shoulda been me."

Fanning himself with a crinkled fern leaf, Wyk shook his head, "That's greasy. You know she slept with Senator Trots. He's like seventy six and we both know she's always doing the dirty dance with a new guy each week."

Viz removed his helmet and ran a faucet over his head to cool off, "You know what they say, practice makes a gal you wanna get with because she knows how to do things that'll rock the boat all night long and probably strand you out in sea with no help."

"Yeah and when you're out there in the sea, you realize your paddle is infected with woodworms and it'll never work again." Wyk sat down in a seat with obvious wear, "I don't get why you don't date Juniper. Her dad is rich, she wants you, doesn't even look at anyone else, me included, and could probably rock your boat just as hard as bathroom-blower herself."

"Uhh..." He cocked his head slightly to the side and placed a hoof beneath his chin, "Say what? Juniper? You sure? I mean... those looks are kind of menacing sometimes..."

Wyk throw his hooves up in disbelief, "She wants the D in her V and she probably wants to get P, don't you see? As for the looks, it's only because she catches you staring at whats-her-name. That one replacement from Baltimare. Sky Star or something."

"Wants to get P? She wants pussy? Well, damn..."

"Pregnant." Wyk tossed a fertilizer canister to his comrade, "It's 6:15 and we both know what that means."

"Pregnant?! Nope. No way am I going to do something crazy like that. Anyway..." Viz hoisted the waterer again and nonchalantly trotted to a massive venus fly trap, "I think she's alright." He began watering it, keeping eye contact with Wyk for conversational purposes despite the fickle plant's salivating mouth. "I mean, if she REALLY likes me, why doesn't she ask ME out? Hmm?" He set down the waterer and walked away, not noticing the snapping maw that was now where he stood a moment ago.

Wyk leaned back and removed several hand-rolled poison joke joints from a drawer, lighting two and passing one to Viz, "You know, maybe she doesn't ask because she knows how awkward you get when you're around her." Both took long hauls on their blunts, "I remember when I found out inhalation doesn't do nuggets to you. It's the physical touch that makes you all bucky."

"Pfft. You know what I think? I think mares should ask out stallions more often." Viz took another puff, "But then who pays the check? Hmm..."

"The invitee pays the damn check. That's the way it goes." Wyk coughed and waved his hoof, "The mind of the female pony is a complex enigma which I shall never begin to understand nor be able to fathom."

"Because you're a chauvinistic mule, is why. Yeah, I went there. Besides, I'm not planning on getting tied down any time soon. I don't screw with that."

Standing now, Wyk lit another joint, and went to check the humidifier, "I'm about as misogynistic as you are intelligent, which is to say not at all. Seriously though, Viz, I think you should ask her out. It's been over a year since Dreamer left you. You could use a new special somepony."

Viz shuddered at the word usage, "Don't say something like 'special somepony', we aren't foals anymore. And why? You know how hard it is to be in the stupid Honor Guard AND maintain a relationship. It's like hell!"

"Whatever. The point is that you and I are here for another four years minimum and it's forbidden to date another member of the Honor Guard! You remember what happened to Sparkler and I? They transferred her down to Horseshoe Bay! Two years together gone! It's getting more and more fascist here. What i'm trying to say is that you should take the opportunity. Celestia knows how much you drink on the weekend and I know damn well that you're lonely. Always inviting me on pub crawls and crap like that."

"Bah. You never like plot-chasing. No strings attached is the best kind of plot. Relationship-plot is plot you have to work for, and just take a look at our work ethic so far."

Wyk laughed at the closing statement, "I never liked dragging your sorry flank home after you collapsed. For a while everyone thought we were gay because you spent the weekends at my place, passed out and vomiting whiskey."

"Ah, whiskey. A cruel madame... Reminds me of that one mare, what was her name again? Dropatini or something? Anyway, let's finish up, I wanna get the hay outta here already."

"She is a seductive mistress, isn't she?" Wyk tossed the butt of his blunt into an empty pot, "We've got performance reviews. You remember, right? Those two chumps from the east wing are taking over for now. Which means we're off duty for the rest of the day."

"Whatever. Let's vamoos!"

"Vamoosing!" Wyk repeated as he opened the door and ran into the replacements.

Honor Guard Shade and Honor Guard Brick were probably the most annoying, condescending guards in palace grounds and Brick, like the dense fool that he was, let loose with an insult as Viz and Wyk passed by, "You boys gonna go deliver some mail for Celestia? You the mail boys around here?"

Shade seemed excited by the premise of a vocal conflict, "Yeah, yeah! Gonna deliver mail, boys?"

"Actually, we were thinking of paying a visit to your lady friends," Viz admitted. "Heat Band and Thunder Rose sure are some swell looking pieces of plot. Don'tcha think so, Wyk?"

Wyk nodded solemnly, "Yeah." He pretended to check an invisible bag near his side, "Oh, I do have some mail, though! These letters are addressed to Honor Guard Brick and Honor Guard Shade! They say, 'Buck off, dicktwigs'. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have business to do."

The two brutes had obviously lost the will to continue and let the friends pass, slamming the door behind them.

"Punks," Viz mocked. "Meet up in twenty? Gotta drop off the uniform. I don't like mares thinking I'm some beefed up jackass just because of the metal."

"Yeah, yeah. Apartment as usual." Wyk replied, "I gotta let this high wear off, too. See you in twenty."

"Catch ya later, griffon baster."

Wyk was nearing comatose in the sluggish hallway heat. Slumped over haphazardly in the chair, the loquacious guard seemed already fast asleep by the time Viz arrived, free of his armor, but still sweaty from the heat of the summer's early morning sun.

Viz promptly shook Wyk awake and sat in a seat lazily, "What were we supposed to do again?"

"We're going in for our performance review." Wyk yawned, "They have them at the end of every year, remember?"

Viz let out a groan and stood back up. Despite living right across the hall from each other, Viz usually found himself lazing about his friend's apartment more often than not. The two soon locked their appropriate doors and headed out of the building, to the far more bureaucratic section of Canterlot. Neither really liked that area of the city, but their jobs usually meant that they were forced to visit it often within the work week.

The walk was long and boring, with neither guard bothering with conversation. Both knew all too well that they were in for a lecture and probably a demotion. The past year had been their worst, with faults like inciting physical confrontations, arriving late and intoxicated, absent without leave. These were but a few of the many infractions both guards had been accused of, with their names being further tarnished. While Wyk simply didn't care, Viz was probably messing up purposefully to spite his family, a rich, upper class collection of nobles and snobs who, with their money, managed to prematurely promote their youngest son to a higher position, although they did not pay for him to skip the basic training segment of military life.

Wyk was a different character. While Viz's family was wealthy, Wyk's was middle class. Modesty was prominent in Wyk's early years, but after a stretch of panhandling following being kicked out of his home and a small jail sentence, he had managed to coax his way into the Canterlot Guards and, by some stoke of luck - most likely the affair with his superior - was transferred into the prestigious Royal Guard where he had run amuck of his close companion and friend, Viz.

Though, even money and connections could only help them for so long. Inevitably, there would be a time when they would need to prove themselves and show that they were worth the bits they received for constantly slacking off, but that seemed to be in the distant future. For now, all they had to deal with was the annoying reviews that were imposed on all guards. Such red tape left anypony in a state of anxiousness, if not annoyance. Regardless of how they felt, however, the necessity to keep their jobs was all the motivation they needed to drag their flanks into an administrative building and get yelled at.

The walk to the Bureau of Bureaucracy was long and one of hardship, valor, and a slow pace. The duo took their time to get the building, but soon arrived and were trotting through the ever-bustling, always-air-conditioned building. It was a magnificent testament to how much money and time was wasted on frivolous red tape in Equestria, but it was necessary to keep the country running, no matter how much of a money sink it was. After all, if there wasn't some sort of order to be seen by the citizens, where would their sense of normalcy be? It truly was a magnificent construct.

The wait was relatively short and both guards were admitted to the Review Examiner's office relatively quickly, with Viz being pulled away from an exchange of flirtations with the secretary. The Review Examiner himself was a short, squat stallion with a bushy mustache that made him seem experienced, but the lack of wrinkles around his eyes suggested he was only in his late thirties. Wyk and Viz seated themselves across from the stallion and briefly shook hooves with him as he reminded them absently that the meeting was to discuss their shortcomings and progress and that it was not his position to discharge them from service, as that was primarily their immediate commander's responsibility, and if not him, then the princesses themselves.

"I believe it is best to start with you, Lance Corporal Lotuses." Said the Examiner with stern tone.

Wyk nodded, "Yes, sir."

Flipping through the thick dossier in front of him, the Examiner paused and read aloud, "Lance Corporal Wyk continues to show poor attitude in relation to his position. He has been arrested numerous times by military police and in the recent months, court marshaled twice for drunk and disorderly behavior and, on a separate occasion, also arrested for possession of a royal narcotic. Why he continues to serve Equestria is a mystery and I strongly recommended he be dishonorably discharged or demoted and transferred to another post. Colonel Straight-Back."

There was a long silence before Wyk spoke, "That is correct sir."

"Oh, I know." The Examiner said, "And I agree with every word here. I mean, narcotics? Alcohol? Prostitutes and AWOL several times a year? You are a joke, soldier! You should consider yourself lucky that somepony ranking higher than your own colonel has yet to tell you to get lost! You are a damn mess, that is a fact! You are a disgrace to your unit! I ought to smack some sense into you. Embarrassments the both of you."

"Sir." Wyk replied tightly.

"And don't think I forgot about you, Staff Sergeant Drip."

Viz was staring at the tail of the secretary before turning quickly at the call of his name, "Huh?" He cleared his throat, "Sir, I take full responsibility for my actions."

The Examiner crossed his forelegs, "Really? That's quite admirable. Taking full responsibility for a series of drunken mishaps, missing plants, broken shields and several complaints from your fellow guards. Namely a specific gaggle of troublemakers who you two seem to file complaints against as well. Not only that, but you're even taking the fall for the three-thousand bits in damages to public property? It's downright honorable," the stallion finished sarcastically.

Viz's ears fell back, "Everything except for the damage, sir. I was framed by those two dinguses."

Their Examiner placed a hoof on the bridge of his muzzle, shaking his head, "I just don't understand how we employ the likes of you. I really don't. What do you two have to say for yourself?"

Wyk found the situation funny at that moment. It was so absurd. Who was this dingleberry to judge him? All he did was sit in an office, power tripping and screaming at ponies who couldn't defend themselves for fear of being reprimanded even worse. If this nut sat six hours in a greenhouse watering venus fly traps, he'd be just as drunk and disorderly.

"Is something funny, Lance Corporal Lotuses?" Came the heated reply.

The smile vanished from Wyk's face, "No, sir! We have no excuse!"

The Examiner seemed disgusted, "Get out of my sight. Next time you come back here, you two better have improved or i'll be writing a very strong letter to your superiors."

The mistakes took their leave quickly, with Viz slapping the secretary's plot as he ran by, Wyk in two. They burst out onto the street and, despite the heat, laughed and slapped each other on the back. Wky straightened up, "A letter to our superiors! My body trembles with fear! At least we didn't get demoted!"

"Hah, do we even have superiors?" Viz thought for a moment, "Wait, don't we answer to the Princesses?"

Wyk lost his mirth, "Oh, cowflakes. Do they actually read the reports?"

Viz scratched the back of his head, "I'd think Princess Luna would, with how much she tries to act like she's the cool aunt to us. Not sure about Princess Celestia though... she hates me so much for some reason."

"They can't transfer you if you're dating a palace noble." Wyk raised his eyebrow at Viz, "See what I'm saying?"

Viz's eyebrows furrowed, "What noble would get with either of us? I had my eye on Cadence for a long while, but that loser got to her first..."

" That 'loser' would throw you in shackles if he heard you say that. I'm talking about Juniper, you tool. If you got with her, you wouldn't have to worry about your report! Even though we don't really worry regardless, but still. It'd be better than going with that skank, Dancer, anyway." Wyk replied.

The grey stallion scoffed loudly, "And what about you? You're still on the fringe without some gal by your side, ya know. And Dancer is not a skank! She's experienced!"

Wyk blew air nosily from his lips, "I live the fringe life! And she is a skank. A big skank."

"You're soft, bro. So soft that you can't recognize a mare with skill. Me? I can feel the skill leaking from her flank. Can feel it."

"The only thing that's soft about me is my dick when I see that mare." Wyk shuddered, "And the only thing leaking from her flank is the fluid of the entire Royal Senate and half the Royal Guard. Besides, I'll land somepony soon enough."

"Ah, buck it. Let's head to Sunny Delight, eh? Been a while since we've been to that pub."

Brown mane soaked with sweat, Wyk was amazed, "It's like 8:00 in the morning!"

"Then we're already late!"