Curve balls. In Major League Baseball this is a throw that can make or break your career as a pitcher, they are hard to throw correctly, and can be even harder to hit. Life can really throw a good curve ball, usually when you least expect it. Like a single date leading to marriage, a single drive to the grocery store ending in a tragedy, or a strange or crazy (or both) woman materializing in front of you while you’re taking a shower.
Curve balls…
The current situation felt like more of a screwball than a curve ball. Had the woman not held me to my own ceiling with what appeared to be a force field, or magic, I wouldn’t have believed it myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a man of faith and always have been but seeing something like that happen outside of a book or a cartoon is just…well its crazy to be honest. But I’ve had a life full of all kinds of crazy that I never thought would happen so if anyone would be able to keep an open mind in this world, I think it’d be me. Not that I ever dreamed something like this would happen to me.
Though I had finished my lunch, I long ago abandoned attempting to read while waiting for the fainted woman to wake. It had been almost an hour while I simply watched and puzzled over her in my head. Fortunately my patience paid off as she began to stir, her breathing changing slightly as her eyes opened once more. It was easy the fear and wonder in those blue orbs as she looked first at her surroundings, then at her own body. She even took the time to wiggle her fingers and toes.
“Dear Celestia, it wasn’t a dream.” She said breathlessly.
I wasn’t sure if she noticed me in the corner of the room, with a book in my lap and an empty plate on the floor next to me. So far it was more fun to just observe her as she explored what was apparently a whole new world since waking up. At length her eyes finally made contact with mine noticing that I was, in fact, still in the home that I owned. Funny that. She looked me over, eyes narrowing somewhat. Making no attempt to hide the fact that she was appraising me, I’m a stranger to her just as she is to me after all, and it’s only fair. Besides I would rather talk than face whatever magic she commanded again since I was woefully outgunned in that area.
I had a whole speech prepared to try and figure out just who or what she was or thought she was. I’d been working on it ever since I decided that I wouldn’t be getting any reading done. I would start by asking her what her name was, and where she was from. Then, move on to how she held me to my own ceiling and how she appeared in my shower in the first place. Also, why my shower and not something more convenient, like my living room.
“What are you wearing? And while I’m at it, what is this nonsense?” She exclaimed holding up part of her dress.
“Umm, clothes?” I responded, my whole plan had been thrown off by failing to account for the possibility of her speaking first. Good work, brain.
“What?! You mean to tell me that your people drape these…things… over their bodies and call it clothes?!” She ranted, “How in the name of fashion could something like this happen? It covers up everything! Don’t you want to be seen for what you are?”
At this exact moment that my ill-timed sense of humor decided to kick in.
“Well we did walk around naked for a while but then these pesky laws were enacted by someone who calls himself god or something and we were all embarrassed about being naked suddenly so…”
“I may be new to wherever, whenever, or whatever I am right now but that does not mean I will be taken for a fool sir, we ponies have our own moral standards.” She interrupted me and sat up on the bed.
There’s that word again.
“Alright, well morality aside you were the one who seemed to magically appear in my shower.” I retorted.
“Touché.” She said at length, “But that still does not mean these clothes are not an embarrassment to fashion… or that I am easy.” She added.
“Alright alright, well let’s just say that you are, or were, a pony – actually let’s back up even further – let’s start out with something a little easier – Hi, what’s your name?” I backtracked a bit, figuring if we could get onto some sort of friendly ground I could maybe figure out…well… something was better than what I knew now. Which was nothing.
She gave me a scathing glare in response before she actually spoke again.
“Rarity, my name is Rarity.” She said. What an interesting name, unique but not weird. And yes I’m counting the kids who are named Apple in the basket of weird names in my mind.
“Nice to meet you, Rarity, I’m Asher Merediem.” I said, “This is my home, though you probably had already guessed that.”
Rarity smirked.
“Where are you from?”
“Not so fast, ape-beast-diamond-dog-thing-named-Asher.” She pointed finger as if she were objecting to a witness
testimony in court, “It’s my turn to ask a question.”
“Alright.” I agreed. If taking turns would get her to talk to me instead of use her magic, then take turns we would.
“Where are where? That is to say, what is this place?” She asked.
“Montana.” I said, but that elected no form of recognition in her eyes.
“United States?” Still nothing.
“Earth?” nothing.
“The Milky Way?” She began to pout.
“Okay, where are you from?” I countered.
“I am from the Magical Kingdom of Equestria. It’s a peaceful society of Earth ponies, Pegasai, and Unicorns …I’m a Unicorn. At least I was.” She said thoughtfully, “What am I now?”
“Human.”
“Is that some form of monster? I’ve never heard of such a thing.” She sat up the rest of the way on the bed, swinging her feet off to one side.
“Well, to be fair I’ve never seen magic used one way or the other before you popped into my shower stall.” I said, deadpanned.
“Yes erm…sorry about that. The whole thing is a giant mix up I’m sure.” She stood now and took a few cautious steps forward.
“I will speak with my friend Twilight about that as soon as I see her again, I’m sure she can close whatever wild magic brought me here to ensure it does not happen again.”
When she spoke it sounded as if she was from Europe to me rather than whatever an Equestria was, either that or one of those ‘high society’ type people that I had met on occasion when they tried to buy out my farm to build a sub-division or resort or some such, and I was leaning towards the latter.
“Could you please direct me to the nearest magical authority? I’m sure we can get this whole mess straightened out in a jiffy.” She asked.
“Pardon?” Surely I misheard her somewhere.
“The nearest authority on magic, where might he or she be?” I watched her face when she asked it but I still could not believe how utterly serious her expression was. Oh my, I was going to have to break the poor girl’s heart...
“Well, that may be difficult because—“
“Is it a long ways away?” She interrupted, again.
“It doesn’t exist.” I finished the thought, “We humans don’t have magic, Rarity, I’d count it a small miracle that you can still use the magic that you have. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that you were a Unicorn – as you put it – but to me it’s all just made up fairy tales for children. As far as I know, humans have never had access to magic.”
There was a long pause as the unicorn turned woman looked at me, and as she did a smile began to form on her lips, which turned into a small titter, which turned into a giggle as she covered her mouth with her hand.
“Come now, I know my sudden appearance was awkward, to say the least, but you can stop joking around now. I want to return to my home and my proper, fabulous, form. So if there is nothing else, I bid you good day.”
With a haughty turn of her head Rarity walked from the master bedroom, and down the hall. I opened my mouth to say something but ended up just closing it again. I didn’t need to say anything, she would figure it out. I propped one of my legs up on the other knee and opened my book, pretending to read what was written on the page while I was counting to seven in my head. I’m still not sure how I know it takes seven seconds to get from the master bedroom to the front door, probably one of the random things I did to keep myself sane after my girls were taken from me but that’s okay. Random knowledge could be fun.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
There it is.
I set my book down on the chair as I rose, picking up my plate so I could drop it in the sink on my way to the door. After doing just that I caught up with the unicorn-human woman who was standing with the front door open but storm door closed. Her eyes were wide but pupils small in shock.
Spread out before here was Montana in early December, and about two feet of snow across the forested, hilly landscape. My farm was pretty much in the middle of nowhere between Idaho Falls and Butte, few miles away from a tiny little town called Dilon, Montana, where my house and land were nestled in quite comfortably off the highway, near the base of Tweedy Mountain. Of course none of that mattered to Rarity.
“W-where are we?” She stammered.
“Montana.” I said again. “That’s my land out there, my farm, we’re pretty much in the middle of nowhere but I get by. You said earlier that you had a friend who could maybe help fix all of this and get you back?”
“Twilight Sparkle.” She responded at length, still staring out at the wintry landscape. “She’s one my closest friends and is very adept at magic.”
“Well, hate to say it, but she’s probably your best hope for getting home. I don’t know the first thing about magic and I’m sure no one else on this world does. Least not about the kind of magic you seem to have.” I observed following the simple logic of her problem.
“Is there some way you can get a hold of her?” I asked.
“I-I don’t think so…there are spells to send her a letter but…I don’t know them…plus I don’t know if it would even work from another world.” She said her tone telling me she was clearly still fully taking in her situation. But a moment later a strange glowing shape flared at her forehead, her hand flew up dramatically and my loveseat – now with a glowing blue aura surrounding it – danced neatly from my living room and into the kitchen where it landed just in time for Rarity to fall backwards onto it.
“WHYYYY-HA-HA-HYYYYY Did this have to happen to me?!” She cried. At least I think she was crying, it was hard to tell when one had to cut through the weapons grade drama to see what was really going on.
“All I wanted to do was help my little sister so I could finish that dress and the commission…OH the commission from it was going to help me for months but now, now that’s going to fall by the way side! It won’t get done on time! My reputation will be Ruined! Ruined!!!” She wailed.
“Wait, wait, wait! So you’re stuck in an unknown world, were allegedly a unicorn but transformed into a human somehow, can clearly still use your magic to rearrange my house, know a friend who may be able to get you back home if we can contact her, and you’re concerned more about your commission?” I asked with raised eyebrows.
She looked at me like no one had dared interrupt one of her tirades – I think it’s a safe assumption that she has done that before – then smiled quite sheepishly while bouncing her fingers together, still lying on the loveseat. It occurred to me that she was lost in a world where she didn’t know anyone, anywhere, or anything for that matter and was probably going to be stuck here until whatever magic brought her here could be used to bring her back to wherever she was from. Now I’m a gentleman, it’s the way my father raised me. I wasn’t about to let the poor girl suffer through the Montana winter in search of her home but if I was going to let her stay here, ground rules had to be made.
“Well, when you put it that way...” She trailed off.
“Look.” I crossed my arms, “I’ve been told I’m a decent man, and I won’t throw you out in the cold in a place your not familiar with. Especially since that place isn’t near any other place that’s safe. I’m open minded. I can even accept the fact that you can hold me to the ceiling and summon my couch with magic – probably the weirdest things I’ve ever seen by the way – so since you seem to need a place to crash until your friend can get you back to Equestorialand—”
“Equestria.” She corrected quietly.
“Right, point is you can stay here long as you need to if you can cut the drama in half, and put my couch back.” I finished.
Rarity stood quickly and just as gracefully as it had come, my couch moved itself from the kitchen back to the living room with that same blue glow.
“Oh, I don’t know…I couldn’t possibly impose.” Rarity fiddled with her dress while looking down.
“I’ve got plenty of space, you can take the spare room – third door on the left – just don’t use that magic of whatever you do on me, its creepy.” In spite of the couch and holding me to the ceiling earlier, she seemed more and more harmless the more I got to know her. Call me stupid for letting pretty much a stranger stay in my home but…I don’t know…there was just something about it. Something made me feel that I needed to keep her safe. Call it an enlarged sense of gentlemanliness stemming from the loss of my wife years ago if you want but when my gut tells me something, I listen. It’s never wronged me before. She was brought to me for a reason, and I was going to figure out why.
“There’s even a sewing machine in there so you can make yourself some clothes…assuming you know how.” I mentioned as I walked to the fridge to get a drink, I needed caffeine desperately if I was going to keep up with today.
“Oh I don’t know whatever I will do I’m only a lowly seamstress by trade!” I could feel the sarcasm, “But thank you, your offer is very generous and since I have nowhere else to—”
The air above Rarity distorted for a moment, fizzled with sparks and then with an audible pop a beige, rolled up piece of paper appeared above Rarity’s head and bopped her on the nose as it fell.