Chapter 3: Parlor Time with Princesses
I strode along with the two Princesses as we navigated through the castle. Pretty much all of the guards tried to jump me, but at Celestia’s request, they stood down. They did, however, glare at me the entire way through the castle.
“Oh, calm down, you pussies,” I said nonchalantly. The guards bristled, but I went on. “Seriously, if your pride has been wounded that much, get it back by fighting some bees or something.”
“If thou couldst cease insulting our guards, it would be much appreciated,” Luna said wearily. I gave a slight nod.
“Sure.” Celestia gave me a confused glare. It was slightly made up for by the grateful smile Luna flashed me. After another few minutes of angry glances and wide-eyed stares, the three of us reached a small, cozy parlor. Luna and Celestia took their seats on a cushion, while I just sat and sighed. A small mare stumbled into the room, looking at me nervously.
“W-would you l-like anything to d-drink, your Highnesses?” she stammered.
“Of course, Lotus Stem,” Celestia said kindly. “I think a pot of white tea will be in order. Do you want anything, sir?” the last question was directed at me.
“If you could get me a cup of coffee, I’d be quite grateful,” I said, nodding to the maid.
“O-o-of c-course, s-s-sir,” she whimpered. “W-w-would y-you like anything i-in it?”
“No, thank you. I like to keep my coffee black.”
“Y-your refreshments w-will be here r-right away, your H-highnesses.” The mare bolted out the door like a man on fire. There was a pregnant pause in the room.
“So, what happens now?” Ithan asked from my amulet. His voice sounded deeper, smoother. Almost like a Star Trek character. The two Princesses’ eyes widened.
“Discord!” Celestia snarled. “Show yourself!”
I thought about it for a second, then facepalmed. “Ithan, that name is terrible. I mean, seriously. Discord? That was pathetic, even for an angel’s imagination. Now shut it with the Q voice and apologize for whatever you did.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault I wanted it to rain chocolate milk from cotton candy clouds!” I grinned.
“Chocolate raaaaain,” the two of us sang. I snickered at Celestia and Luna’s bewildered expressions.
“Celestia, Luna, allow me to introduce you to my uncle, Ithaniel,” I said, unclasping the amulet and tossing it over to them. Celestia caught it in her grasp.
“So your uncle is trapped in this pendant?” she queried. “Odd. He sounds so much like an old foe of ours, and this writing is foreign to anything I have ever seen.”
“No. I’m wagering a lot that he actually is that old foe of yours. You know, given that he keeps cackling like a maniac. He’s just in a permanent time-out now that I’m around. Isn’t that right, Ithan?”
“Yes, sir,” Ithan meekly muttered. I smiled.
“Good. Now, as Ithan bluntly put it, what happens next?”
“Well,” Celestia started, “I was hoping to get a few answers about you, seeing as you’re in our castle. You seem to have the most heavenly air about you; I would give quite a lot to know what caused it.” Just as she finished speaking, the mare returned with a trolley. It was covered in doilies, tea paraphernalia and a single pot of black coffee. She hurried over, jitters easily noticeable, and dropped the cart off at the table before rushing out of the room. As Celestia and Luna took hold of their their teacups, I swiftly poured myself a mug of coffee and took a long draught. It was incredibly sweet –a very poorly concealed poison. I flared to life.
“Ugh,” I grunted as my eyes glittered with fire. Celestia raised an eyebrow.
“What is it? Is our coffee not to your liking?”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just that you might not want to drink any of that coffee.”
“And why would that be?”
“Well, whatever poison your cooks put in this, it’s likely to kill you in less than ten seconds. Assuming, of course, you aren’t an angel, demon or incredibly resilient life-form.” The two Princesses looked on in shock at me as I cycled through sipping, grunting and going angelic. Once you got the foul taste of venom out of your mouth, it actually tasted pretty good.
“Are you sure it’s poisoned?” the Princess asked, suspicious. I nodded. “Then we must find who did this. They will be punished.”
“No, they won’t.” he smirked at Celestia and Luna’s stunned looks. “Put yourselves in their position. An unknown creature, who may be a threat to the Princesses, has just broken out of your admittedly shitty idea of a “prison” and is rampaging through the castle. He finds the Princesses, spits on one of them, and is invited to tea, where he can easily kill them both without so much as a second thought. Of course they’d be trying to poison me, you nitwits!”
Luna flinched at my harsh words, while Celestia assumed a half-embarrased, half-contemplative expression.
“Another outburst, nephew,” Ithan warned. I facepalmed yet again.
“Sorry. I keep doing that for some reason. Now, on with the questions!”
“Yay!” Luna clapped. “Alright, let’s see… why did you spit on Tia, but not on me?”
“Well, you didn’t call yourself a goddess. I really hate it when people are conceited enough to do that. Then there’s the fact that you’re probably old-fashioned. The use of a Royal “We” is pretty archaic, and I thought you deserved some slack.” Luna blushed slightly.
“Now it’s my turn,” I said. “Have you two ever heard of angels?”
“Hmmm…” Celestia snapped out of her trance and thought for a moment. “The name seems terribly familiar, but I can’t place where I’ve heard it before.”
“Oh!” Luna quipped. “We remember now! They were the primate creatures that had wings and used magic, weren’t they, sister? We remember because we were in the mythology section of the Archives. They were supposedly revered as messengers of a god. Why dost thou mention them?”
I sat in stark silence for a few moments. Luna’s face slowly turned from curiosity to awe, and then to downright horror. She quickly shied away from me.
“Don’t worry, I’m not full angel,” I assured her. She inched her way back to us, wary. “I’m only half. I don’t have nearly as much magic as a full angel, though I did have to fight one once.”
“Didst thou defeat it?” Luna asked.
“Yes, but only because I had about a dozen Templars and Taliban each on my side. Templars with rocket launchers…” I shivered. “Absolute nightmares. Don’t ask how I got the Taliban on my side in the first place, much less them teaming up with a bunch of diehard Christians.” Luna looked curious, but I tried to change the subject.
“Alright, my turn. What the hell is a Princess doing with a tramp stamp?”
“Tramp stamp?! Luna said, slightly outraged. “We will have thee know this is our cutie mark, not an accursed tramp stamp!”
“And my masculinity has dropped by twenty percent just by hearing that phrase,” I muttered. Luna grinned.
“Cutie mark, cutie mark, cutie mark, cutie mark,” she sang.
“I can feel myself growing a vagina, Luna,” I deadpanned, my voice dripping with sarcasm. She sniggered once again.
“Seriously though, what with the ‘cutie mark’?”
“Well, a cutie mark is the mark one gains when they learn of their true talent. It is also customary that ponies change their names to match their cutie marks when they earn them, though it isn’t always done.”
“That’s quite… interesting, Celestia,” I said. “So you’re basically telling me once you get a… cutie mark… your destiny is set
for the rest of your life? That sucks.”
“What dost thou mean?” Luna asked.
“Well, look at me. I’m good with swordplay, magic, poetry, languages, and mining, among other things. What makes having only one special?”
Luna and Celestia gaped at me, mixtures of shock and confusion on their faces. “I don’t think you understand,” Celestia said, shaking her head. “Getting a cutie mark is a coming-of-age ceremony for ponies. It’s the thing that tells them who they are.”
“Why don’t they just work with what they’ve got, and enjoy themselves?” I asked. Now the two Princesses looked seriously confused. “You know, find several things they like and stick with them. Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you’ve had your days when you’ve absolutely hated your talents.”
It was subtle, but I caught it. Luna’s eyes flashed with a combination of jealousy, anger and shame, while Celestia’s gaze flicked to her sister, a small amount of guilt coloring her magenta orbs. Ooh, a family rivalry. I better keep off it for now, though. Who knows what kind of places Celestia would lock me away in.
“Okaaay…” I muttered. “Moving on. It’s your turn, ladies.”
“Why haven’t you already gone home?” Celestia asked me.
“Good question, actually. I kind of want to; I mean, who knows how your people would react to me.”
“What dost thou mean by that?” Luna quipped.
“Well,” I sighed, “if there’s one thing I’ve learned from being a wizard, it’s that people are scared of me. Now, more than ever. I’m a big giant monkey thing with a magic sword. People are going to be scared of me, and that’s why I want to leave.” I leaned in closer. “I would do it for your sake, if not mine. I take it these ponies have never been in great danger before?”
“For the most part, no,” Celestia said.
“Well, they’ll be terrified of me. Terror breeds desperation, Celestia. The desperation becomes anger, and subsequently, hatred. Soon enough, your kind will be scouring the land searching for the mythical humans, killing everything in their way. Your world would be turned upside down, and we sure as hell don’t need another world like mine popping up.” I sighed again. “Besides, I have friends back home.”
“Family?” Luna asked. I smiled.
“Nope!” My cheeriness shocked the both of them. It was a façade, of course, but these little horse creatures are way too naïve. “My turn with the inquisition. Where do I go? Since I was sent here by a demon of the highest order of magical power, it’s going to take me a good few months to get enough juice to work up the power I need for a freaking interdimensional portal.”
“Umm…” Celestia looked stumped. I sighed, thinking this was going to take a while. And for once, one of the ponies actually proved me wrong.
“We think we have a solution,” Luna said unexpectedly. I turned my gaze to her, raising an eyebrow and nodding for her to continue. “Thou can stay with the Twilight Sparkle, our sister’s most promising student.”
“Sister, you could quite possibly be the most genius mare on the face of Equus,” Celestia said warmly. The gleam in her eyes told me she was rather impressed.
“Who is this ‘Twilight Sparkle’ you speak of, and why do I have the sudden urge to summon Blade the Vampire Hunter?”
“Twilight Sparkle is one of my closest personal friends, as well as my favorite student,” Celestia said. “And who is this ‘Blade’ you speak of?”
“No one important. When do I leave?”
“Well, I can arrange a carriage for you immediately. You’ll be heading to Ponyville.”
Original name. I like it. “No need. Your guards will probably kill me en route anyway.” I got up and walked over to a stained-glass window depicting the three pony races. I leaned against it, waiting for just the right moment. There was a cracking sound…
And it shattered.
I fell back, enjoying the feeling of wind stinging my bare skin as I dived towards the ground. There were two barely audible gasps coming from the room I just left. Celestia and Luna jumped out, wings spread and eyes wide. I just smirked and grasped my staff.
“להאט¹,” I murmured. My descent instantly lost most of its momentum, and I floated to the green plains with a soft fwoosh. As Celestia and Luna landed beside me, I raised an eyebrow.
“So, which way do I go from here?”
Hebrew Translations:
1: Decelerate