I live my life one day at a time, not because it’s dull and slow, quite the contrary in fact. My life is fantastic, I live in a huge ass mansion with like, forty butlers and all the beautiful women I could ever want. I periodically spend the summer chilling on my hundred foot yacht, but for now I’m enjoying my career as the greatest and most beloved actor of all time. So basically the only reason I live one day at a time is due to the limitations given to me by the time space continuum, but I’ll soon have enough money to bribe that into submission.
Every once in awhile I go out for a walk, so I can take in the perfect scenery of the prosperous city I live in, the only complaint I have is that there isn't a Yogurt Factory, so I have to settle for Mango Tango. I stroll up and down the various streets enjoying the landscape. I’m currently in a residential area, observing all of the houses that, while spectacular, simply aren't as big or as glamorous as my abode.
They are small mansions with various spires and golden gates that shine ever so beautifully onto the ground, which by the way has absolutely no litter, trash is disintegrated by the laser cannons that are spread around throughout the city before they even touch the golden streets, that’s right, the streets are paved with gold, literally, the street is solid gold.
Now our city does have homeless people, but it’s not really much of a problem, all of our homeless people are like that because they choose to be. You see, our city is so fantastic that other cities are super duper jealous, so we made a fake homeless problem so that we wouldn't seem so much better than the other cities. Our city is better though, the homeless people are encrusted with gems, and all of them smell reminiscent of a light ocean breeze, which if you didn't know is probably the most pleasantly calming scent in the entire universe.
Anyway, I walked along the street while wearing my strutting shoes, yeah that’s right, I don’t have shoes for just walking and running, I’m so rich that I have a different type of shoe for literally every kind of movement from strolling to swaggering. So I strutted down the sidewalk(which by the way is solid diamond) smelling homeless people and giving them gold bars, because that’s what you do with homeless people, you give them your chump change.Yeah, you read that right, gold bars are chump change to me, that’s how damn rich I am.
I almost step in a puddle as I walk along, very nearly damaging my suit that by the way is worth more than your house. We recently had a heavy rain, but it’s okay, we’re so rich in this city that we bribed the weather to stop being so bad when the storm happened. So yeah, we can bribe the weather too, that’s how rich we are.
So, I’m strutting up and down the sidewalk, have I mentioned how rich I am? Well I’m very affluent in case you forgot. Anyway, I’m strutting up and down the sidewalk, and I come across a very unusual sight, a large, Golden box surrounded by Faberge eggs. I am absolutely livid about the fact that the trash disposal system missed these disgusting things, yeah, we’re so rich that Faberge eggs are like balled up newspapers to us, except we don’t use newspapers, we buy Kindles until we find one that already has our city paper pre-downloaded on it, then we read it and throw the Kindle away.
Now that you’re aware of how great my life is I can move on to the box. I move towards it, drawn to it’s golden beauty, others might go home and let the box fester dramatically in their head before eventually running back through some decrepit old town and opening the box, but I’m far too wealthy to waste my time with such a dramatic, time consuming action, so I do what any extremely wealthy person would do, I walk over, burning another hundred dollar bill with each step, and open the box in as affluent a manner as possible. If you haven’t guessed by now I’m very rich.
Inside the box is something that actually surprises me, the box is equipped with a miniature home theater, as well as red carpeting and a purple leather sofa, but upon that sofa is a sight that makes me gasp in wealthy astonishment. There, in the box, is a white unicorn creature with a blonde mane, it has a collar for some odd reason, and the most striking feature on this...pony, is that it is completely two-dimensional, no seriously, I moved in front of it and it disappeared. The odd thing about it being two dimensional was that when it looked at me, its facial features kind of, shifted. It was a rather strange pony, it had enormous, soul-devouring eyes that were as creepy as they were adorable.
I have no idea where this odd, cartoon pony came from, nor do I have any idea how it got here. So naturally I do the only sensible thing, I pick it up and carry it home to take care of it, despite the fact that I have no clue how to do so. Upon arriving at my super mansion, I place the pony on my giant golden leather couch and observe it. It stares at me for a while before turning its nose up at me, exuding an air of self confidence.
Quite frankly I fucking hate this thing already, but I've taken it into my home and rich people law dictates that instead of paying taxes, I have to take care of multi colored ponies should I ever allow any to enter my extremely awesome home. I still don’t know what this thing is, so naturally I Google it, but I don’t use your regular Google, I use a separate Google specifically designed for rich people.
I frantically type in “White cartoon pony with a yellow mane, also it’s kind of a dick.” naturally, because I’m so rich, the rich people Google already knew what I was looking for because it’s a special Google that can read people’s minds. Instantly thousands of links, images, and videos appeared on my platinum computer monitor.
I soon discovered that the pony I had brought into my home was a character from a popular show called My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic, and judging from that episode I sat through so I could gain as much information about him as possible, he is indeed, as I guessed, an enormous dickweed.
I glance in his general direction, and see him looking at his little two dimensional tummy, it’s kind of cute, I then notice that unlike the Prince Blueblood in the show, this one doesn't have a butt tattoo, good, no horse son of mine is gonna have a tramp stamp, come to think of it every single pony in the show had a butt tattoo, what a bunch of sluts. Judging from the show this pony eats only the most refined two-dimensional meals. I clap my hands and my favorite butler Charles appears, he politely asks me what I require, and I instruct him to make a high-class, two-dimensional vegetarian meal for Prince Blueblood. He skulks away, leaving me with the little prince, I look at him and he once again turns his adorable little nose up at me.
God, what a dick.
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Well, that's chapter one, I really hope you liked how relate able the main character is, lol just kidding, he's the most impossibly unrelateable character ever. By the way, if you hadn't guessed by now, the main character is rich. Expect Regidar to get involved in the next chapter.
Oh, and guess what, the next chapter will have actual dialogue.