The Vanishing Star
by NocturneD
So here I was. In the lions den. Face to face with the stallion who gave me the reason to leave home. I stared at him for awhile. He stared right back at me doing the same. Wondering if this was real or not. Oh believe me, this was real. To him, I was just a random stallion who had the same color scheme as him. Basically a younger version of him save for a few different features but all in all, was like looking into a mirror.
What could he possibly say to me now for all these years? He must have been breaking apart inside. His conscience eating away him. The sudden guilt trip he laid down for himself. There was no denying it. He had to be breaking up inside.
But all I got out of him was... He cracked a half smile and eased back into his chair, "Happy birthday."
I blinked. My mouth left open. I blinked again. I shook my head in disbelief. That was what he wanted to say to me all these years? Seriously?
"Alright then..." My dad sighed while leaning back further into his chair. "Guess... Twilight was right this ent..."
I just about had it. Him playing this off like nothing happened. No hug. No apology. Not even a tear.
"Oh cut the bucking shit already." I growled.
He just sighed. "Here we go."
"I want to know one thing. WHY?" I shouted.
"Why what?" He beamed.
"Why did you treat me like shit when I was a kid?" I asked. My anger was great.
But he just kept glaring at me. Like I was the one that was the crazy one. He just shifted his shoulders as he said plainly, "What do you want me to say?"
"You know what I want! I just said it!" I hollered.
He puckered his lower lip just to annoy me. "Why?" He raised his voice a little, "Why?"
"Yeah!" I said.
"Because I'm a shitty parent. I admit it. I could not handle being a dad let alone handle the responsibility of my job and position and be branch leader, a patriarch!" Dad again raised his voice. "I had a lot of pressure riding on me back then. My brothers wanted the position but I wanted to keep my own mother proud and face the worst of it!"
I shook my head in disbelief. "The buck does that even mean? Branch leader? Patriarch? When I was younger I remembered you working at the gifted school as an instructor!"
My dad just heaved angrily. "A lot of crap went down when I was working there that had my ass over a fire." He heaved again then used his hoofs to rub his forehead. "I don't work there anymore because of complications. I resigned after working my flank off to get where I was just to have it eat away at me. Bury its claws into me."
I was unamused. "You hit me because your job sucked?" I slammed my hoofs onto his cherry hardwood desk in frustration, "You hit because me you got so much flak at your job?" I froze. I looked at him dead in the eye, figuring that what he was hoping I would take. Unamused. "That is the weakest excuse ever."
"It goes deepe..." He tried to say.
"So what was the big deal? They catch you doing something you were not supposed to be doing?" I asked.
My father knew I was trying to pressure him. I could just sense it. Cornering him like a rat.
"I..." He again tried to say.
"Can't juggle two lives?" I smirked. "Have a mistress? Hit a student? Boss putting your balls in a blender? Gamble the company payroll away?"
"It's not..." Again I interrupted.
"What the hell does this all have to do with you beating me?" I grinned.
"I was being blackmailed okay!" My dad got up in my face. Almost practically launching himself out of his chair just to butt heads with me. "Being cheated out of my position because I made a bad decision! Then led to another bad decision! Then another!"
"And what does this have to do with me exactly?" I growled.
"I got frustrated from my job and took it out on you and the others! Is that what you want?" He growled in my face. "I made bad decisions that put the family's welfare in jeopardy! Every pony was against me after what I did." Soon, he started to inch away. His frustration was warping, almost as he really was suffering all these years. Had a lot of regrets, "I had zilch respect from my family as it went down the tube. I thought your grandfather's death would at least help me get some sympathy so we could work things out." Slowly sliding back into his chair, arms still on his desk. "Hopefully... get things back together. But every pony kept pointing to me saying I'm no good anymore. I got paid less and less, could not afford the great things you kids wanted. What your mother deserved. Was hoping that if you kids joined up with royalty things would be okay for you..."
This just seemed a little too fishy to me. A teaching role he used to have at the magic school? How did any of what he said even match with that job affliction? "Dad... this had nothing to do with your teaching job did it?" I asked.
He remained silent. Sliding his arms back behind the desk and turned his chair around. Not facing me.
"Had something to do with the patriarch thing you mentioned huh?" I lowered my defense. Just this once. "And why you wanted my career to have something to do with royalty?"
Slowly his chair rocked back and forth. He was silent. I took that as a yes.
"I resigned from my patriarch position after you ran away. Things only got worse after that." My dad slowly rocked back and forth, back and forth. "I took the job too seriously because I was too busy trying to impress the main family. I wanted what was best for every pony. Not just our family, but for every pony out there."
I raised an eyebrow. The hell is he going with this?
"But conflict of interest between our branch... and the other branches rose. Soon I could not handle my part of the job... I quit being a patriarch for twenty years. Your grandmother stopped talking to me after you left but for some reason. I was hounded by the public. Your mother was hissed at. Her work rejected and said she was horrible for letting things happen. Our house vandalized. Your brother and sister sent away, your mother was crushed since she had multiple failed pregnancies in the past. She wallowed in your room, day and night and slept there most times. We even got arrested and went to court." He stopped rocking his chair, "Found not guilty... We walked out free.. but... in our minds. We were far from it. If my own father was alive to see this day... I'm sure he would turn his back on me as well... I was scared... Thinking not only did my own mom stopped talking to me, my dad would have done also. Probably looking down on me shaking his head."
I kept silent.
"I was dead inside. Wanted it to end and... tried to kill myself. Thought of the possibilities." His his chair started to rock again, "Figured no pony would miss a big failure like me. I lost everything at that point. I lost my place on the social ladder. I lost my kids because I could not realize what the good I had. Only thing was left for me was your mother..." His voice dwindled down. "She saved me from making a horrible mistake. Saying if I killed myself, she would have nothing left... All I could think about is how I treated my own family..."
I just listened.
"A couple years down the line... We were not treated as pariah anymore. Ponies moved onto the next big thing. I went back to my job teaching but it was never the same. Eventually I was let go years later because I would get letters requesting my termination. So, I took up learning computers as a hobby and teaching classes on those. Again no pony would hire me for very long so I ended up working for a the Canterlot daily times and a few magazines taking pictures."
I blinked...
I stopped to take a good look around my father's study. As I said before he liked the gothic look. A lot of dark landscape pictures hung randomly around the room. Nothing I am too familiar with. Why because Swan usually drags me to every art museum whenever we tour around. I would say something about some of them looking like the crap you would find in a store but, some of these were pretty interesting.
"Photography huh?" I asked.
He finally turned his chair. "Yeah... was quite a camera pony I was in my youth."
I do remember that. Dad liked taking pictures of us doing all sorts of things. Had his own red room in the basement. How many times we were told not to go in there when the red light was on beside the doorway. Had to take a picture of everything. Us learning to walk for the first time. Going to school for the first time. The whole she bang.
"My pictures never really moved any pony. Then ponies thought my hobby was creepy so I just stopped doing it for awhile. And... eventually just stopped." He sighed. "Living on security checks while your mom makes a few books here and there. Has to self publish them because no pony would carry her label."
I felt sick. Sick and tired of all this. Not only did he give me so much grief during my early childhood. He literally gave up on himself what's worse is every pony can't seem to get the whole scandal out of their heads. It affected mom greatly sure, but she could still work what she loved doing. Dad gave up on himself because he made some bad decisions and let it get to him. Where it would affect his family along with his community for some reason. The rage and desperation inside him, his own family he grew up with even said he was a failing. I just could not believe this story. Almost like he made this up on the spot but... I'm not sure.
"Sometimes I wondered if killing myself back then would have worked. No pony would miss me except your mother..." He sighed, "She deserved better..."
I just had it.
"Dad?" I walked around the desk.
He kept silent.
He looked up.
I gritted my teeth. I could not feel as sorry for this jack ass. Not after that story he told me. He terrified me when I was a child. I saw him as a big snake, looking into those eyes and not knowing when he was going to strike. Yes I saw him as a monster back then. Larger. Stronger. Scarier. Now, he was just a broken down creature. The years treated him with unkindness. As he deserved it for taking matters and pouring them onto another matter. In this case, taking his rage and bringing it home.
I arched my neck back and then...
*BAM*
With that. He fell to the floor tumbling and landed on his back. He moaned a little. Uttering, "You come into my home... and dare to hit me?"
My mouth bleed with venom... I growled and commanded. "Get up..."
Slowly he rose up. He was not going to take this. Beaming me down. If I know him that well, that monster inside of him was waiting to come out to try at me again for all these years. That's what I wanted.
And again. I could feel it. That monster tried to swing at me. I threw up my arm to block and succeeded and smacked it away. I kicked him in the gut, her arched forward and I head butted him again. He fell to the floor instantly.
"Get up..." I said coldly.
Again he got up. Slower this time. Back then he was at the top of his game. Spif. Full of pip. He would always make time to play with us. Made time for us. We were happy back then. When he was happy it always felt sunshine was right beside you. I would always climb on his back and ride him when I was a baby. What a father should have been doing their entire life. Should always be proud of his own kids wither they succeed or don't.
I figured. Let him get off one shot. He struck me across the face.
*SLAP*
The hell was that? A mosquito bite?
I returned the favor with a raw punch square across his jaw. Forcing his body up against his desk. He could barely stand from the shock and my own power fused within my punch. His cheek rubbed up against the shelf.
He heaved. "Please... sto...p."
I beamed down at him. "Not so easy when I'm bigger now huh?"
He growled and looked at me with in the corner of his eye, desperate, "I TOLD YOU WHY I DID IT!"
"The ends don't justify the means." I frowned.
And with that. I punched him again and he tumbled over again. On his back. His chest heaved up and down slowly. Tears crawling down his cheeks along with some blood seeping form his mouth.
He tried to pick up his head, "I...I'm sorry..."
I just could not take him anymore. "Dad... I hate you... I loathe you... I DESPISE YOU!"
His eyes widened with terror as I spouted those words. Memories flooding back as he would yell something exact to me when I was younger. Saying I was a waste of space if I did not want to serve royalty. How those words burned themselves into my brain. How much I always wanted to avoid my own dad because I did not know if he was in the mood to hit me or not. I lived in terror.
"I wanted to tell some pony about your mistreatment but I was too scared in knowing what you're capable of!" I roared.
Again he heaved.
I noticed something about dad I really never wished. He was getting older. Slower. Frailer...
But then I heard sniffling. And crying. I turned my head to see Synn just standing there. Eyes watering.
I growled and rolled my eyes. "Not this again..."
Synn tried to hold back but could not. He hated seeing his loved ones in fights. I was not in the mood for him crying as usual. "Synn can you stop crying for five minutes!"
I noticed a plate in between his little hoofs. Dropped samples of food on the floor. I saw the reflection of myself in the platter he had the samples on. My face. Contorted. Angry. What's worse, the reflection of the monster was me now. Growling at me. I stopped. Realized what I did.
Slowly I pulled Synn into my body and gave him a hug. Trying to hush him like he was my own child, "Hey... I'm sorry for scaring you like that..."
He was a sensitive child. You all know that. He was probably scared on where I was probably going to be going next. But me, all I cared about is how I really messed up. I put my own hatred a head of me instead of reasoning. I really made a fool out of myself during the trip so far. I hated myself.
"I just wanted to... show you something." He cried harder into my torso. Slowly my hoof started to rub his back.
"I'm sorry... I'm sure the food would have been great." I assured him.
He hiccuped. "No...' I let go, he turned around and showed me his flank. Instead of being pale and bare. Was the image of two knives forming an X shape with sparkles, along with a glass bottle in between them. "I got my cutie mark finally..."
Oh great... Now when he thinks back to when he first got it he's going to think of me beating on my dad. "That's... That's great." I tried to smile. "You get it just now?"
Slowly he nodded while trying to cover his eyes. "Cadence and Shining Armor told me when I first got it..."
I kept silent. I was not proud of what I did.
"I'm sorry you had to see that." I mumbled. "But I'm still proud of you. Your parents would be proud, not only that. Your onii-chan as well."
"Why'd... why d..." He tried to ask me why I beat up my father.
"Hey... I'm sorry you had to see that." With caring eyes I focused on him. "But twenty years ago... This was not a happy family. That pony over there." I pointed to my battered father. "He was my dad I told you about."
He froze. He knew the stories I told him about my dad. Never thought he would meet the monster himself.
"But... twenty years away from him." I put my hoofs on his shoulders. "I... I still became my dad. Violent and everything."
My dad coughed and slowly got up. Returning back to his hoofs. I turned around and shielded Synn away from my father. I was ready for my dad to yell at me. To tell me to get out of the house and never come back.
He coughed again. And wiped his mouth clean, "Get all that out of your system finally?"
I still beamed at him.
"Took you twenty years to finally stand up to me." Then he spit out a tooth onto the floor. "And you finally saw things from my perspective. Not very pleasant is it?"
The anger was gone. But he was right. I was him for just ten minutes and it did not feel great.
"I had problems... And I just could not deal with them." He frowned, "I took it out on my family and learned the hard way. The one thing I should have been cherishing the entire time was not the patriarch position... Should have been you three." He coughed again. "I'm sorry... but still the patriarch was a big role to fill for our family branch."
"Dad..." I said. "Sit down." I instructed him. He went back into his chair. I asked him for his first aid kit, he told me where it was and I fetched it. I looked over dad's wounds I inflicted on him. A bruise on the cheek. Broken tooth. Nothing much else. A small cut. I told Synn to get some ice in a bag and he agreed. Slowly walking out of the room. I would not be surprised if he brought any pony back with him. My dad and I did not talk much. But I cleaned his cut and wrapped a bandage around his forehead with my magic. Synn came back with the ice pack, I told my dad to keep it to his cheek. The broken tooth, he was just going to have to deal with as I told him to pop some pain pills until he went to a dentist.
"Where did you learn to heal like that?" He asked, his mouth was still sore.
I looked at him.
"You first... Then grandma." I gave him a couple pain pills and told him to take it. He swallowed it with some water Synn brought up. Synn raised his glass to my dad's mouth. My dad took over and drank it all. And patted Synn on the head. For once. Dad was not so scary anymore.
"Right... the camping trip we took years ago." My dad remembered. "You went off by yourself in the woods to chase a butterfly but then fell down a mound cutting yourself. You cried and cried. But I carried you back to camp and healed you up." He paused. "Made some healing herbs from the plants nearby. It stung you ofcourse..."
Oh yeah. My dad telling me to keep still. I kept trying to fidget. The smile I missed from him a long time ago. Him assuring that everything was going to be okay. He bandaged me up and hugged me. Shared the same tent that night to make sure I was alright while Shining shared one with mom and Twilight.
"Yeah... Such a long time ago..." I sighed. I guess I'm really forgetting all the good memories too. "So... you going to call the police on me?"
He looked at me dead in the eye. He sighed, "I think you got your own justice out of this. And... one of the things I was fearing all these years. Just... go. Your mom already invited you to the party tonight and... I got twenty years to catch up on with the main family..." My dad was slipping back into his depressed state again. "You really fooled us these past years... You got your prize. Won't make a bit of difference to impress the main family. I start to get a little ahead once my mother invited me back into the group. I thought it was a joke at first but... I know why now. Because of you. And if that was the only reason.. Then I'm not sure" He lowered his head in shame. "My family disowned me for so long. Now you come back and everything is just dandy again. I'm already thinking of reclining the invite."
He was still bitter on the matter. Just when I finally figured I got through to him.
"Dad..." I growled.
He looked up again. "Yeah?"
I sighed. "You're not going to believe this but... I used to think you were one of the smartest ponies around. You always took a chance and made sure everything was going to be okay for us. Back then before all this crap, I really looked up to you and you helped me get my cutie mark." I looked at him still. "Just watching you come home with a smile from your teaching job was great. You loved it so much. "
He gave a slight chuckle. He loved teaching as much as photography.
But then I got serious, "But somewhere down the line you changed. You stop being you. You let ponies stick a hoof in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard you started to look for something to blame. Like a big shadow." My dad frowned. "Let me tell you something you already world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it." I shoved my face into his, "You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward.
"I raised my voice, "That's how winning is done!" Slightly scaring Synn again, "Now if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing hoofs saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or any pony!" I practically shouted in his face, "Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!"
I slowly crept away, "I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my dad and you're my blood. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life." I sniffed. I held my hoof out to Synn signaling it was probably better if we left now.
I was almost out the door, I stopped and turned my head, "Don't forget to visit grandpa's grave."
I walked out with Synn on my back. Not saying much. I left dad to think about something. I gave him the beating I wanted for so many years. But I still kept wondering was it worth it. I turned my head to look at the small pony riding happily on my back. There was alway something worth it. But that little pat my dad gave Synn back then. Always meant that he was thankful no matter what you did. I missed that. Dad was not always a monster. We all have our darkness we must face... If dad needed my help. He knew where to find me. I was going to go out for a bit and visit the cemetery where my grandfather Draco was buried. Pay my respects. Any pony was welcomed to come. Before I could even leave the house my mom stopped me asking what happened. My dad walked down the stairs, she panicked. But he just said one of his bookshelves landed on him. Lied and said I helped him up. I guess this means, I tamed the monster finally. But was probably far from good. My mom said she'll see us later if we want to come back. But then I noticed something. My mom was hugging Synn for a bit longer than I thought. Almost looking like they were mother and son themselves.
And then I got to thinking... That void in her heart. She missed the old me dearly but loved me still the same knowing I grew up alright. I pondered for a bit as I walked down the street with Swan by my side and Synn still on my back. I tried to quickly excuse the crazy idea but. It just bugged me.
Finally I reached the cemetery plot where my grandpa was buried. And paid my respects.
"Hey... Fade?" Synn asked.
"Yeah?" I answered.
"What's a patriarch?" He asked.
I fell silent. Then quickly thought of my dad's explanation. Patriarch? Main family? Branch leader? Good for all Equestria? The hell? What was my family doing at these meetings? Something wasn't adding up. I mean... I was brought here for a medal right?
Note: Yeah I know what you're thinking. His dad got what he deserved finally then I had to present another Rocky Balboa speech. I just want to say, that speech. Really spoke to me. But it really helped the scene a little. If you don't like it. I understand. Oh by the way. The fight part, was a little inspiration from Saints Row 2 of Johnny Gat beating the crap out of Shogo. Yay Johnny! But I forgot how the calming scene between Van and Synn went, I knew it was from Jumanji but not sure how it went. And before you go what the hell. There is another thing to take care of in this story. As it was mentioned in this chapter, maybe a few chapters ago as well. There is something fishy going on.