Alright now what? I thought that something was going to come to me when I got here, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m no closer to figuring out what I want to do now than I was yesterday or the day before. Frick, frick, frick on a stick. You have to come up with something. You can’t just walk around town all day. Trixie’s head moved slowly, much as the rest of her was, from person to person. She wanted to get a good view of what was happening, what was there. If she could get an idea of what it was that this town had to offer these days, she might be able to actually come up with something.
Nothing came to mind.
She stopped walking, it would be much easier for her to glance over everypony this way. Once again, she told herself that this would help. All she needed to do, she told herself, was get a look at everypony and every building. She needed to think about it, processing it, and then everything would become crystal clear. That might not have made sense to anypony else, but it seemed like the perfect way to figure out what to do. Trixie didn’t want to stand there all day, after all.
It was only noon, there was no way she would stand there all day.
Sadly for her, ten minutes passed wihout much being figured out. She didn’t know what to do, and it wasn’t as if glancing around was really doing any good. At this point, everypony was blurring together. It was actually starting to give her more than a little bit of a headache. Come on. Shake it off. I know I can do this, I know I can think of something. This should not be so hard. All I have to do is figure out something to do. Nothing was helping, though, nothing was coming together into a cohesive idea. Trixie had to think of something, she just had to.
Standing around isn’t working. I can’t get a good idea of what this town is anymore with just standing here. Why did I ever think that this was a good idea? I have to start moving, I have to make sure that I cover as much ground as possible. At this point, her thoughts would likely seem as though she was throwing ideas at the wall. Something had to stick, and hopefully it would be something good. Trixie was sure that she wouldn’t really have to trot all the way through the town, anyway. There was almost no chance that she would lack a good place in this town.
This was Trottingham, this was a place that she had always wanted to come to.
This was a place that she was coming to at her worst, or so it seemed to her.
Her first idea had failed, and now the rest of the day was going to be spent on the wonderful task of walking around. That hadn’t been what she really wanted to do, the hope had been that she would find something within the span of ten minutes of starting to walk. Those ten minutes had passed, though, without much happening. The only thing of note to happen was actually when she had accidently ran into a wall, which caused those around her to have a chuckle at her expense. A week of walking, nonstop, was the thing that had led to this wonderfully funny event happening.
They wouldn’t understand even if they did ask her what was wrong.
The sun started to fall, the normally beautiful sunset was just another reminder of the sleepless night that she was going to have. It wasn’t even as though she had found anything to do, though she did find somewhere to park her wagon for a long time. That had been some good news. That was the only good news today. I’m lost, cold, thirsty, and hungry. That last one, as if her stomach was echoing her thoughts, was accented by a growl. If she could figure out a way to get rid of those things, all of them, that would have been great. It would have been even better if she could get rid of the fact that she hadn’t slept in the past week.
It would be good, but it wasn’t likely to happen.
Focus on food right now, and drink. Focus on the things that you can do something about. You can’t force yourself to sleep. I do think that there was a place that served food, a nice restaurant, that we passed by about a while ago. And I have some bits. What’s the point of having these bits if I never spend them? This can be a nice thing that I do for myself. Who knows? Maybe I’ll eat a lot, get that nice full feeling, and somehow go to sleep. After all, I always feel like taking a nap after a nice meal. This was about as scientific, and logical, as Trixie was going to be right now.
Maybe after a good meal, everything in her brain would start working normally again.
It took her a while, a longer while than she remembered, to get back to the place she had seen before. From the outside perspective, Trixie likely looked like a fool. There were multiple alleys that she had stepped into, some of which led to dead-ends. It wasn’t her most perfect time, but eventually she came upon a place that looked as though it served food. This had to be the place that she had seen, her memory wasn’t that bad.
Then again, you almost walked right into somepony’s house just a few minutes ago. There’s no real proof that it won’t happen again...
Her fears were soon allayed, however, when she entered the building. There wasn’t a family getting ready to eat, and she wasn’t smacking into a wall, but there were ponies that were getting ready to eat. Some had their food, and were eating. Servers were going around, taking orders. Everything fit together to say that Trixie had finally gone the place that she had been looking for. Of course, it would likely cost her a lot of bits to get the amount of food she was thinking of eating, I can’t spend too much tonight, I have to think about tomorrow and the next day.
Maybe I should be thinking about what I’m going to do for bits next week. There won’t be enough to last forever, unfortunately.
Tonight, however, was focused on tonight. Trixie needed food, drink, and a place to stay. Actually, the third is being taken care of by my wagon. I need food and drink. By now, she was being taken to a table. There wasn’t much of her attention given to the waitress, though a cursory glance revealed a mare that was slightly younger than she was. She would have looked for a cutie mark, a way of determining if this was just a job or her special talent, but that would have taken her eyes to the mare’s flank. It might have been awkward to do so, or at least that was what she assumed.
Now I just have to decide something from the menu.
As she continued to look over the menu, the waitress just stood there. She didn’t look like she was liking the diea of standing around, but she did. That was likely taking bits from her, something that Trixie herself wouldn’t do. Or maybe there’s something about being a waitress that entails waiting. That is in the name, after all. At this point, the best multitasking that Trixie was capable of happened. The azure mare was able to both think about that and choose what she wanted off of the menu. This might have seemed like nothing to every other pony, but it was something of greatness to her.
“Pasta with parmesan.”
”And to drink?” The food order had been written down, though the small size of the order likely helped out. Trixie couldn’t help but wonder how earth ponies were able to write with their hooves. It seemed almost impossible for her to think about using something other than magic to write down whatever needed to be written down.
“Strong apple cider. The stronger the better.”
The waitress rolled her eyes, but went away to make sure the order was completed. After all, Trixie was the customer. She was the one paying for whatever it was that she ordered. Actually, this might not be as expensive as I thought. I just have to have a drink, or two, three tops, and then I’m out of here. I go back to my wagon, I should be able to sleep, and then I head into town tomorrow. Yep, perfect. Eyes continued to glance down at the table, until the food itself was placed in front of her. That meant the drink had been placed a little bit ago, and yet she hadn’t drank it.
That was a problem that might soon be solved.
When Trixie took the first drink, she almost spit it back out. It took all of her willpower, which was low at this point, to swallow it. Note to self, do not ask for the strongest anything. It will only end with you needing to get a different drink. At the same time, though, she knew that the drink had cost a few bits. She wasn’t the type to waste, not even something she didn’t like. All she needed to do was start drinking through it. Another drink was taken, and it seemed to be a little better than the first.
By the time she got to the last drink, it was one of the best things she had drank.
The food didn’t disappoint, either. Maybe it was her hunger, but something about the way they made the pasta made it to where she didn’t want to stop. Eventually, she would have to, she knew she would run out, Bite after bite were almost shoveled into her mouth, though, until she was completely done. Oh boy, it was so delicious. She almost thought about getting a second order, but something stopped her. Trixie knew that she had eaten enough, eating too much would be a bad thing for her health.
She might need another drink, though..
”That’s the spirit. Another cup of the same stuff.”
Wait. I know my nobody is here with me, I know that isn’t how I sound like when I think. That’s... Eyes looked up from her plate, a chair was now sitting across from her. In that chair was a lovely mare, an earth pony mare that she had met a long time ago. It was the performer, the one who she had... the one who had died in the accident. It wasn’t something she had wanted to think of, yet it was something that kept being forced to be a part of her days. It would have been so much easier if she could just forget.
”Ah, but why would you want to forget me? We’re going to be the best of friends!”
Trixie did her best to ignore her as the waitress walked up, but it wasn’t easy. A couple of tears were starting to form, only the clearing of a throat enough to snap her to attention.
”Would you like anything else, ma’am?”
“I’ll have a-another of your strongest ciders, please.” The mare was still sitting across from her. “Actually, make that three. I forgot that I’m expecting company, a business meeting.”
The waitress didn’t believe her, but that didn’t matter. Once again, she walked off to go get the orders. That was something that she was starting to really like about this place.
”Come on, say something. I’m not just going to disappear, you know?” The mare, the ne who shouldn’t have been there by all logic, seemed to look around. ”I’d never leave you love here, Trixie. What type of friend would I be if I just left you alone?”
Friend? Friend? Trixie knew well enough that this mare wasn’t going to become her friend. She knew that this mare wasn’t even there, or at least the last vestiges of her rational mind were telling her that. Her brain told her that it was a tired hallucination, that it was something that appeared because of a lack of sleep. It made sense to the rest of her brain, but that wasn’t helpful when she couldn’t get any sleep because of the mare that she saw in front of her.
”It isn’t my fault that my mom wants to kill you.” It was almost as if this pony could hear her thoughts, which was definitely not something good. ”And it isn’t my fault that the accident happened. We both know that.” The mare glanced back at Trixie, who was barely containing those tears at this point, and gave her a look of pity. ”I told you that I forgive you. Well, really, it wads forgave. It was in the past, more than a week ago. And here you are, still like this...”
The drinks came, luckily enough.
“Bottoms up.”
With those two words, and none to what she hoped was simply a tired hallucination, Trixie quickly started to drink all three of them. The first one was down, the second was down, and quickly enough the third was down. This will definitely hurt in the morning. Why did I think drinking was a good idea? I don’t drink much, and I certainly don’t drink like this.
”Yeah, why did you drink like this?
Yep, still there.
Trixie pulled out some bits, dropping them on the table. She knew that she had to get out of here, her sanity depended on the idea of her being away from this mare. There was no way that she was going to stay here and listen to a mare talk about how she was going to be her new best friend.
Certainly not a mare that she had killed.
”Geez, you really need to loosen up. If I forgave you, you should be able to.”
That was it, that was the comment that oddly enough caused her to cry. “Why did you forgive me, though? How could you forgive me for something like that? I... I...” No more, Trixie was going to quickly retreat from this entire scenario. Not only that, but more and more ponies were looking at her. They didn’t see the mare, they didn’t see anything more than a unicorn that was talking to herself while crying.
It wasn’t her best moment.
Sadly, it didn’t get any better when she stood up. Maybe she stood up too quickly, or maybe it was just movement at all after drinking what she drank, but the last thing she saw was the mare run over to her to try to stop her from falling to the floor. Of course, the earth pony didn’t exactly have any physical substance, so her arms were about as helpful as the air itself. That was actually a comforting thing, as the unicorn’s head hit the floor.
She might have just knocked herself out, but at least that earth pony wasn’t real. That was a tiny victory, something many would consider less important than the fact she was lacking in the consciousness department.
When you’re unconscious, time doesn’t mean anything. There is no reason to care about the start of a day, the end of a day. Hours, minutes, seconds, are nothing more than concepts. All of this was especially true of Trixie, who hadn’t cared much for those concepts even before she passed out. In fact, at this point she would hope that weeks would pass by before she was able to awaken again. She had a lot of sleep to make up for, and this seemed like the perfect time.
At least this time, just like before, she dreamed of pure nothingness.
A day would have been nice, a week better, but neither of those turned out to be true. When Trixie awoke, the familiar headache of a hangover making itself known, she could see the light of day. In times like these, Celestia was the enemy of her eyes. The sun might as well have been mere feet from her face, at least that was how she felt. Of course, that wasn’t really the case. Even she wasn’t dumb enough to think that it was true. Alright, try to... gah, headache. Was my thought-voice always so loud? Stop thinking, Trixie! STOP THINKING!
Gah, you just got louder.
A quick glance around told her that this wasn’t the restaurant. It wasn’t the street, which means that she hadn’t been tossed out. There was the chance that she had, actually, but it hadn’t been permanent. She couldn’t recognize this place, which meant that her wagon was definitely crossed off the list. Trixie didn’t know anyone here, so there was no chance that she would have been taken anywhere by a family member or a close friend. In fact, the only pony to talk to her that wasn’t the waitress was the pony that she had imagined was there.
”Nuh-uh, I’m totally real. And I went to go get a pony to help.”
As if on cue, she appeared.
“Ugh, Trixie is not in the mood to talk to you.... whatever you are.” Hooves went over her face for a few moments, with the hope that she wouldn’t see the mare when she opened them again. It was true that she could still hear her, but part of the battle was trying to make sure that she wasn’t seen anymore.
”You forgot my name, didn’t you?” When Trixie moved her hooves, she saw an unmistakable expression. It was almost as if she had offended the hallucination. Of course, she wasn’t drunk. Why would she keep hallucinating this mare? A lack of sleep couldn’t be blamed either, as she had been asleep for an unknown number of hours. ”You can just call me Smiles. All of my friends do... or they would if I had a lot of friends! And you’ve been out for shortly over twelve hours, little missy. Time to get up, look at the beautiful sun, and go out into the world.”
“I will not!” Of course, there was one thing that came with yelling. Trixie was not in any condition to deal with yelling, not even from herself. It felt as if she had been hit in the head with a skillet, each decibel above normal talking being a new version of pain than the one before it.
”You will not what?” A voice came from behind her, a stallion who seemed to have just entered the room. It was quite obvious that he was confused, which was to be expected. Trixie knew that she was alone, knew that she would have to deal with this mare. It would have been easier if she had not known a name, or more accurately been reminded of a name that sounded like the most innocent mare who had ever lived.
Guilt was never fun.
“Nothing. I was simply reciting the lines of a play I’m supposed to be in soon...”
”Uh-huh. And what, pray-tell, would this play be called?”
“Errm...” Think, think, think, think. Trixie threw the blanket over her head, as if that was going to make sure that she didn’t have to answer the question. It made sense to her, she would just pretend that she had passed out again. Wait, no, that doesn’t make sense at all. I have to come up with something that makes it seem like I’m asleep. He won’t believe I’ve passed out, he doesn’t seem like a complete idiot. The wheels were turning in her head, which was still as painful as the idea itself sounded, until she came up with the most brilliant thing she could come up with.
“Can’t hear you, I’m asleep.”
”Hehehe, I don’t think he’s going to fall for it. Good luck, though, Trix.”
She could already tell this was going to get old quickly. Even if he somehow left, that would mean that she would be left that mare. What did she call herself?
”Smiles, duh. I only told you that about three minutes ago.”
Yep, this is already old.
”Sure, sure, and I’m Starswirl the Bearded.” A chuckle came next, obviously the stallion thought he was clever. It wasn’t true, even the hallucination had a hard time keeping a smirk on her face. Trixie knew that meant that it wasn’t even funny to the perpetually happy, or her mind’s representation of rhe perpetually happy. ”I’m not leaving here before you tell me something that makes sense. I might have a job, but I can miss it today to stay home...”
Alright, so this stallion lives here. But the question remains how I got here. I still don’t know what really happened after I blacked out. For all I know, he rushed in and took advantage of me. Or maybe I only passed out because he got the waitress to put something in my drink. That would make perfect sense.
”No it doesn’t, silly filly. You passed out because you drank a lot after not eating for a while. Even I know that, and you’re determined to say I’m not real!”
That was obviously not a good retort, Trixie would have hoped her mind would come up with something beyond that.
”I’m still waiting.”
The sound of a hoof hitting the floor was heard. It was obvious that she would have to come up with something, anything, to make sure that he didn’t think that she was avoiding anything. Trixie wasn’t the type that went around telling others about hallucinations. This was partially because she couldn’t remember the last time that she had seen something that wasn’t there. She was usually the model for perfect health, mental and physical. Right now, she was a little worse off than she actually wanted to admit that she was.
She would have to come up with something.
“Okay, so it was really a thought that I yelled out. I had been thinking about what I should do. Part of me came up with the idea that I should get up, go out.” That was mostly false, but there was enough of the truth there to make sure that it might be believable. She knew that ponies sometimes blurted out their thoughts, it had happened to her before. Last time, though, it was about that Ursa Minor. This time... well, I was actually just talking to myself. There’s a bit of a difference between the two, but he will never actually know the truth if I have anything to say about it.
”Nope, you were talking to me.” The smiling mare trotted up beside Trixie, her face right in front of the unicorn’s. ”And I don’t think you should really say something like that to this stallion. The truth will help you out, he’ll be able to tell you that I’m real enough to go Trick or Treating on Nightmare Night!”
There was no way she was going to respond again, it would make her lie obvious. She would have to wait until later, or with any luck she could just get used to the idea of ignoring that voice. Would it be possible? Another thing that she wouldn’t bother doing was look at the stallion. This was, of course, out of fear that she might be discovered. Trixie hadn’t had good luck with her lies recently, or luck with much in general. The less she put herself in danger, or the chance of danger, the more it would be possible for her to just glide on through.
This could be said to be a part of a five month plan, which she was coming up with as she went along. Of course, not a single part of my plans had anything to do with going crazy and seeing a pony that isn’t there. At least... I don’t think that they do. Eyes moved to Smiles, who was now in a secretary outfit a few feet back. It was almost as if she was mentally questioning if it had actaully been her plan.
”Nope. I just sorta showed up on my own. And aren’t you glad that I did?”
No, Trixie was not happy at all.
”That seems like a good enough reason.” It was obvious that the stallion didn’t believe her, but that was hardly important. He was willing to buy what she said, or at least glance over it enough to where she didn’t have to tell him any more. ”So, where should I walk you to, miss?”
And there it was, the question she didn’t want to answer. Trixie would have to admit that she only had a wagon. That wasn’t something she was willing to admit, not to a stranger. Travelling had its perks, and the wagon wasn’t so bad. The simple fact was, though, that her entire impression was based on her passing out drunk. She had already decided that if the stallion had drugged her, she would likely be dead right now. Best case scenario, she would be strapped down to some sort of torture rack where she would suffer until she eventually died.
”Miss? Are you spacing out again?”
Alright, so all I have to do is get a room for a night at some hotel. He might try to check up on me, so I have to actually have a room. I should have enough bits to-
”Hey, lying’s bad. And enough bits to what?”
Trixie quickly looked for the pouch that had been attached to her. It had carried all of her money, yet she hadn’t thought to make sure that she had it. Only now did she realize that she didn’t feel any weight that should have come with cash.
”Oh boy. Don’t tell me you got robbed while I was off getting that nice unicorn over there.”
She had.
Of all the worst things that could happen, that was the worst possible thing. Trixie was completely out of money, only had her wagon, didn’t have a lie to rely on. She couldn’t come up with an address, that was likely to end if he decided that he was going to actually take her to the location. Even if her lie worked, it would die there. That didn’t even take into account the fact that she didn’t know any of the addresses here, which meant that she would be trying to come up with a place that might not actually exist. That would have been funny, but not to her.
Most importantly, it meant that everything that had happened was for nothing.
Trixie had worked hard, harder than normal, to get what she had. That money had been the product of her surviving an attempt on her life. It was all gone, though, along with her hopes of actually being able to go through with this little vacation. The other thing that was gone was her ability to care if anypony else saw her cry. There were far more important things right now than worry, one of them being to cry until it felt like she should stop. Tears formed in her eyes, the azure mare didn’t even bother trying to make sure that they didn’t come flowing out.
“It’s not fiar... it’s just not fair.” As soon as she started, she wasn’t stopping. Maybe this was the thing that Trixie needed, a good cry to help cleanse herself. If that was the case, then the tears that were streaming down her face would be the things that helped. For all she knew, it could help get rid of that hallucination somehow. That wasn’t what she was thinking about, she was focused on what had brought her to this point. “I had a full pouch, so full of money that I had earned.
I earned every bit!
And now it’s all gone. ALL OF IT.”
Trixie buried her face in her hooves, the wailing still being heard through her forelegs. Everything good that had happened seemed to come crashing down, only leaving the bad things. Even the reminder of what she had done, this mare named Smiles, was going to haunt her forever. This was not the type of thing that she thought would happen, what she wanted to happen. She didn’t even listen for anything to be said, it didn’t matter. Trixie just wanted to cry, to be left alone until she decided that she had cried enough. After everything that had happened, she knew she deserved a good cry.
She was cashing in on all those other times that she hadn’t bawled her eyes out.
Ten minutes passed before she had realized it, and even afterwards she didn’t. There was no way for a person who was crying, and this lost in herself, to really understand the concept of time. She didn’t even hear the hallucination say anything, thougb something told her that things were said. Trixie was starting to think that maybe the stallion had run away, that maybe he had proven to be smart enough for that. Also, she reasoned that her mind wasn’t going to send forth a hallucination while it was focused on the breakdown.
”There, there. It’s okay. It’s going to be alright.”
That was the worst way of comforting somepony, and Trixie knew she wasn’t alone with that knowledge. This unicorn, if that’s what he really was, had to know that it wouldn’t help. She felt a hoof pat her back, which was a good continuance from what had been done with the words. It still wasn’t right, it wasn’t right at all. She had paid her dues, she had gone through everything that was required of her. In her mind, she went through things that the average pony didn’t have to deal with. Right now, it seemed as though she was being kicked while she was trying to get stabilized on her feet.
”Just let it out.”
Gee, he’s giving me permission? Oh, I’m so lucky that I don’t know what to say. By now, she had been able to quiet herself down a little. Tears didn’t stop, they might not for a while, but at least the wailing had stopped.
”Oh, you didn’t need permission silly-filly. He just wants to let you know he’s here for you.”
Trixie’s luck definitely wasn’t there, otherwise she wouldn’t have just heard that.
How much time had passed by the time she had stopped crying? There was no way for Trixie to know. It could have been a half hour, an hour, or more than that. In reality, the entire time of her episode lasted around thirty minutes. Her eyes were puffy, which happened when you cried. Her throat was scratchy, and it hurt. Crying hadn't been kind to her, really. Was it ever? Did she want to move? Trixie could stay like this all day, the only thing stopping her being the fact that she was actually in somepony’s house.
That would likely hinder her ability to just lay there all day.
”You alight now, Trix? I feel really awful that you’ve had to deal with all of this. I wish there was something I could do to help.”
That would have been a lot better if it was real. Trixie knew that this was a mental projection, it was her wish that something different had happened. It was her guilt at killing the mare, even though the mare forgave her. Of course, that doesn’t make any sense at all. I shouldn’t feel guilty. That happened a long time ago, I was a much different pony. Besides, it was a complete accident. How could I have known that something like that would happen? There’s no way that she could blame me.
That’s why I saw her forgive me, because even I know it.
”Duh. It totally was an accident. I told you I forgive you for that. Now if only you could forgive yourself...”
That didn’t make any sense, Trixie knew she already forgave herself. She knew it was an accident, unforeseeable, something that could have happened to anypony. It was bad luck that it had happened to her, a product of two ponies interacting that likely should have never been forced to interact. If she had been in any other town right then, any other city, there wouldn’t have been the set of circumstances that had led to a death.
”Hellooooo. I said I need to move. Stop grasping onto one of my forelegs. It’s starting to cramp.”
When had that happened? Trixie had been crying, her hooves had been under her face for support, but at some point they had moved. At some point, the pillow had proven to be enough support. Her hind legs were wrapped around one of this stallion’s, though the reasoning behind it evaded even her. Quickly, they were removed and she rolled onto her side. Even though she felt a little better, there was still that urge to not show her face.
“I’m sorry.”
”Nothing to be sorry for, really. I’m just glad that I’m able to move a little.”
Alright, so now there was the question that was on her mind. If she was poor, and she was, the question of how she would scrape by came to mind. It had taken her a long time to find a job before, and that had been in Canterlot. There was also the question of what this stallion would say to the idea. Trixie had come out with her problem, that she was broke. It was something that she should have kept to herself, really, but the shock of it was something understandable when it came to her losing it.
”I’m sure we can find you a new job. It won’t be glamorous, but there has to be something that you can do around here.”
”Well, I take it that you don’t really have anywhere to go now. After all, hotels do cost bits.”
Ouch. That was true. That didn’t make it hurt any less when he said it.
”I do know of a job around here, if you’re interested. Just nod if you’re interested.”
This didn’t make any sense. There was no way that ponies would help ponies they didn’t know. It just doesn’t make any sense. Ponies don’t help ponies they don’t know. They don’t owe them anything. If I were in his position, I don’t think I’d do the same thing. Does this make me a bad pony? Or does this simply mean that he’s better than average?
”You’re not a bad pony. I’m sure you’d help him out if you were in similar a similar position.”
That was something that Trixie wouldn’t agree with.
“I don’t have a choice, do I?”
”Not if you want to eat.”
”And eating is good!”
“Fine, tell me about this job.”
”It’s nothing major. I run the local library, and I could always use some help. Plus, sometimes I have to head out, being a library barely pays the bills, and tutor some unicorns. You wouldn’t imagine how much ponies will pay to make sure their foals can do basic spells..”
Something told her that this was the start of a bad few weeks. This was a unicorn that was likely much better at magic than she was. It wasn't good at all.