I woke up to a smell like cat piss, to the cold of the rock ground, to a powerfully pounding headache, and to near darkness. All I could reliably see were the bars that made up the wall in front of where I lay, thanks to a torch on a wall in the dank hallway.
It wasn't not a pleasant way to wake up on a Saturday.
I groaned as I sat up, trying to hold my head together. I felt much lighter, and it didn't take long to realize that they had taken my bag. A quick feel of my pocket showed that I still had my phone, which was a relief in any case. Any silver lining can improve morale.
Like having a happy cellmate.
I practically jumped out of my shoes, scrambling away from the sudden low chuckle from the far corner. In the dim light I couldn't make out more than a dark figure sitting upright on a cot. I crouched into a fighting stance, and asked who he was.
"Who am I?" the shadow mused. "My name was Alexander. It probably still is, now that I think about it. Honestly, I'm surprised that you haven't heard of me. Isn't the first thing they tell you when you fall out of the sky or wake up in a field 'Don't be like Alexander?' I thought it'd be a motto by now."
He sounded bored, but he didn't move while he spoke. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I tried to make out more details about him. I was interrupted by him getting to his feet and taking a step towards me. He looked tall and huge.
"You're in my cell."
It wasn't a threat, so much as a statement of fact.
The man walked past me and to the cell door, manacles around his ankles clanking as he did. Getting closer to the light revealed more about of his features: he stood almost a full head over me as I crouched, and looked like he weighed over 300 pounds, bulk rather than fat. His face was covered partly by a cowl, but what I could see appeared slightly scarred and mean. He looked like he wore a perpetual scowl.
He didn't turn his back to me as he reached into his pocket, producing something small. He reached his hands through the cell door's bars, and I heard metal scraping. Only a few moments later, I heard a loud click of some mechanism turning, and he shoved the cell door open wide.
"Get out of my cell. Find another one to call home. Or run. I don't care either way, so long as you GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CELL! NOW!"
I bolted past him and into the hallway, only to stop with the loud crash of his cell door. I turned back. He had locked himself inside. He eyed me as I stood in the cell hall, trying to figure out why he stayed where he was.
"What, are you lost? It's that way," he pointed, "to get out of here. They don't have many cells. Won't take long to walk out."
I shook my head, still throbbing slightly from being introduced to the castle walls. Why was this guy helping me? "Why-"
"Because I didn't know," he interrupted. "Nobody told me. I didn't take the time to find out because there shouldn't have been anything to find out."
That... didn't answer my question at all.
I held my head with a hand and felt the back of my head. It felt tender, but not horrible. I didn't want to get into a fight with any more guards, or at least any that were so one-sided.
Could this guy, Alexander, tell me how long ago the guards had brought me here?
"Could you-"
"I guess. Hell, I don't need it. Most locks here are worthless anyway." Alexander tossed me something, and I caught it, barely. "Just turn it. Nine times outta ten you'll get in."
I looked at the small scrap in my hands, a cool, thin, serrated piece of metal with a cloth handle tied on. The blade had what I hoped was rust caked to the sides. It reminded me somewhat appropriately of a prison shiv.
It was at that point that I decided I wanted to stay well away from Alexander, no matter what happened from that moment on. I'm not sure why it took me that long to figure that one out, but better late than never.
I wrapped the shiv (or lock-pick, if Alexander was to be believed) in the cloth that served as a handle and pocketed it. I whispered a small "thank you" and started quickly walking away. I didn't look back, but I could almost feel Alexander's eyes on me the whole way down the hall.
He was right about the size of the dungeon, if nothing else. I only passed five cells before reaching a small room with a wooden table and some stools. The only door, a thick slab of smooth iron, was locked. There was no keyhole on this side.
I sat down on one of the short, wooden stools and tried to gather my thoughts around my throbbing headache. There was plenty to think about, and none of it good. The guards thought that I had done something to Celestia. It was bad enough that they had locked me in a cell with a lunatic, even though every other cell I had passed was empty. Said lunatic had given me a knife, or lock pick, stained with blood. I was about a million miles from home, and I wasn't so happy to be here anymore.
The light sound of hooves clopping on stone sounded from the door. A few muffled voices argued on the other side. The metal door glowed a dark shade of blue and rose slowly into the ceiling, allowing me to hear princess Luna's voice continue, "-than a few humans to threaten us. We shall enter alone." Her tone was final as she walked through the doorway, her horn glowing brightly in the otherwise dim room. The light from it cut off the moment she saw me, dropping the door loudly to the ground. I winced and held my hands over my ears while I begged the sharp sound to stop ringing in my ears.
Luna regarded me with narrowed eyes. "Much has changed in a thousand years, but even now we think that prisoners are meant to be in cells whilst awaiting interrogation in the dungeons."
I gulped. Celestia may have been feeling sorry for me, but her sister seemed to think otherwise. Could I blame her?
"Alexander kicked me out of his cell."
Luna's narrowed eyebrows rose and her eyes grew wide. She looked from me to the hallway. "Hmph. The guards we told to imprison you risked much by securing you with that... thing. Has it done you any permanent harm?"
"Uh, no. No, he didn't."
Luna turned back from the hallway to sit at the table across from me. "Be grateful. Others have not been so lucky.”
Luna shook her head and focused intently on me. “We need you to cooperate. This shan't take long.”
Luna's horn started glowing light blue again, and the world spun.
***
I was on a beach, sitting in a folding chair with a mimosa.
"Why are you here?" the waves asked.
I stood up and walked into the waves, preparing to take a swim.
The sand fell beneath my feet, and I landed in the ocean, saltwater the only thing I could see for miles. I picked a direction and started swimming. The waves began to grow restless, and the skies filled with grey clouds. I struggled against my cold, exhausted limbs as the waves grew higher and the sky darkened over. Rain began to fall in sheets, lightning flashed and thunder roared. I fought the storm for as long as I could, but eventually my body gave out and I sank, unable to breathe as I sank to the bottom of the ocean.
***
I was sitting on a small hill in the snow, light snowflakes in the air and the sun setting gently over a mountain, the only thing in sight other than the snow.
"Why are you here?" the snowflakes asked.
I lay back and began to make a snow angel. The sun set, and the temperature dropped swiftly. I tried to dig in against the darkness, but the snow revealed stone only inches beneath the surface. Determined, I started making my way toward the mountain. The blizzard wasted no time in using the darkness to fullest advantage, cutting my view to mere feet in front of me and icing me down to the bones. Still, I kept walking toward the mountain in hopes of finding a cave. I was still walking when the bear tackled me and wasted no time in tearing out my throat.
***
The sun shined clearly overhead, the shifting sands beneath my feet a clear contrast to... Something.
"Why are you here?" the rolling hills asked.
I began to dig, using my hands to push the dirt away as best I could. I could feel, rather than see, that a sandstorm was brewing in the distance. I wasn’t going to have long before it appeared. Progress was slow, but even as the sandstorm appeared I knew that I’d make it. I took my shirt off and began to wrap it around my head, shading-
"Stop fighting us! Tell us why you are here!"
"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" I screamed, my head pounding harder than before. The pain overpowering, I fell into the hole in the sand, and felt something trickle down my face. My ears and nose were bleeding.
***
I laid gasping on the table, holding my head as tightly as I could under my arms. My eyes wouldn't focus. The pain had been excruciating, but it was slowly fading away now. My vision eventually cleared enough to reveal Luna still sitting across from me, her horn no longer glowing. The jackhammer in my head convinced me that trying to put as much distance between her and me wasn't an option, so I covered my eyes and waited for the pain to stop.
"Hmph. We were told that humans were prepared against mental viewing, but resorting to bleeding through your nose will only stay us for so long."
"That's enough, Luna."
I brought my head up to the stern voice, spying Celestia in the doorway. The blood threatened to rush from my head, so I dropped it lightly back into my arms on the table and did my best not to whimper. Normally I'm pretty good with pain, but I couldn't feel my teeth. Why couldn't I feel my teeth? I was gritting them hard enough...
"Sister!" Luna? exclaimed. I think. It was pretty loud. "Why aren't thou under bed rest, as thy doctors ordered? Thou surely doesn't wish to participate in thy attacker's interrogation?"
Why did Luna have to be so loud?
Celestia answered her slowly, like there was something in her throat, or like she had cracked a few ribs. Or something. I think she said, "Thomas didn't attack me. Discord tricked me into activating a trap he had laid on a hidden door in the castle. Thomas was just his pawn. He didn't know. And unless I'm mistaken, he's also suffering from a concussion."
The room got real quiet. It didn't stay that way for long enough, 'cus Luna started talking again, except she sounded kinda panicked. I know it was Luna 'cus she was real loud. And she didn't sound like Celestia.
"I'm so sorry, sister! I didn't know he had an injury to his brain! I-"
And then she stopped. Something must have happened. Something bony touched me in the back of the head, and I felt really warm.
And then, slowly, the pain drained away. The warmth retreated, leaving me cool, and I felt a light breeze against my neck. Whatever had been pressed against my head retreated, and I realized that I could think clearly again. I slowly brought my head up, blinking a few tears away from my eyes.
They must have been dry, or something.
The room came back into focus, and I saw both of the Princesses looking at me with concern. I quickly wiped my eyes, and wiped the blood away from my nose and lips. I gave a slight nod to them, unsure of what else to do.
Celestia looked at her sister, who seemingly wilted under the gaze. Luna whispered something that sounded vaguely like an apology, so I murmured back that it wasn't a problem. Really. It wasn't. She wasn't rooting around in my head or anything.
I felt like I needed to take a long, cold shower. If the sweat under my pits was any indication, I mean. I forgave Luna. Really.
Really.
I just wasn't looking at her because the floor was interesting. It looked a little like cobblestone, from Minecraft.
Finally, Celestia cleared her throat. I looked up to her, as did her sister, and she gave me another apologetic smile on her sister's behalf. "Would you like to move somewhere less... cold? It's quite dank down here, and I'm sure lunch will be ready soon."
I gritted my teeth and tightened my lips. I looked Celestia in the eyes, then back down at the table, exhaling through my nose. I nodded a few times. Lunch sounded nice.
As we rose to leave, Luna kept her eyes downcast. Her horn glowed light blue again. The door also glowed blue as it rose out of the ground, and the three of us stepped through. None of us said another word as we walked, passing empty hallways and climbing two staircases before eventually passing through a tall set of doors into a private dining hall. We didn't pass another soul on the way, and nobody was waiting for us in the brightly lit room.
I had been too deep in thought to do more than walk, but now that we were here, I tried to wake up mentally. I took stock of the room: it was medium-sized, like an extended family room, with six well-cushioned chairs sitting around the centerpiece of the room, a slightly elongated and elegant table. There seemed to be a single servant's entrance to my right, the right of the entrance, and the walls were adorned with various tapestries of shapes and colors but not scenes or anything discernible. There was a fireplace on the left wall, but it wasn't lit. There weren't any windows.
Celestia and Luna went to the table as I took in the room, and waited patiently for me. I walked over and sat with my back to the far wall. Celestia and Luna both sat as I did, across from each other at the far end of the table. Celestia sat with her back to the servant's entrance, and Luna sat with her back to the fireplace. Normally I would have asked why they waited for me to pick a chair first, but at the moment my mind was starting to wander. I brought it back by suddenly making my observation from the hall known.
"You know, it's funny. I kind of thought that Canterlot castle would have been more busy. You know, being the capitol and all."
Celestia gave me another of her trademark smiles, slightly worn down from her experience yesterday (if my internal clock was right). "I've asked that the way be cleared for you, actually. As you may have noticed, you're still about as detailed as a platoon of crystal ponies," she admitted.
"Oh. What's a crystal pony?"
Celestia shook her head slightly. "Sorry. Some of you humans seem to know more about our history than the average equestrian, but I suppose that was reaching a bit far. What I mean to say is that you're rather... how do I put it? You're shaded, I think the term is."
"You mean you didn't want any ponies to see me because I'm made up of dozens or hundreds of shades of colors, right?"
I looked down at myself, noticing for the first time that my brown slacks had gotten some dust on them. I brushed them off, and the particles seemed to vanish into a cartoon-y cloud. Interesting.
"That's right. While my sister and I have seen many interesting things over the years, some ponies might be put off by your rather vivid appearance. As I said, humans normally have a spell placed on themselves while exploring away from the Everfree forest, so as not to upset the average citizen. Either that, or they disguise themselves as ponies, to make themselves more approachable."
I nodded. "Makes sense. But just to clarify, you just said 'disguise themselves as ponies,' right? Um... how? Is it permanent?"
Luna, otherwise silent, suddenly started concentrating very hard on her sister. Apparently, she wanted to know, too.
Celestia tilted her head for a moment, as if in thought. "No, it's not permanent, not unless you choose never to change back. Perhaps it would be easier if I showed you, rather than told you. I understand that some of you humans are very interested in finding out what it's like to be a pony, right?"
I nodded, my mouth suddenly dry. Thoughts of fanfictions flashed through my mind, as did the thoughts of Mary Sue blood-red or pitch-black Alicorns with unlimited power. Cutie marks of machine guns and bloody swords flashed through my head, names like "Badass McKill-Em-All" and "Epic Death Rape" causing me to shudder slightly. "Something like that..."
Celestia noticed my trepidation, and knitted her brows in confusion.
"Is something wrong?"
I shook my head, trying to get it clear. "Nothing too important. What kind of pony am I going to be?"
Celestia chuckled. "Getting cold feet, are we?" She asked, amused. "Don't worry, Thomas. It'll be your choice as to what kind of pony you become, short of an alicorn. I was actually going to ask you that next."
Fair enough. I rubbed my chin in thought, through my now-scruffier stubble. I guess it came down to one real question, thinking about it, so I asked it.
"If I become a unicorn, will I be able to use any magic?"
Celestia nodded. "Whatever your talent, you'll be strongest with that type, or field, of magic. Even so, any unicorn with enough drive can learn nearly any spell. It just takes time and effort, as well as a touch of understanding. If what I hear is correct, there's a special school in your village in the Everfree where you can learn whatever magic you wish."
Well, I'm sold. Magic? Hell yes, I wanted to be able to perform magic!
"In that case, I'd like to become a unicorn."
Celestia nodded again. "Come here." I did. "Kneel." I did. "Hold still, and picture yourself in your mind."
"Um, as I am now, or as I want to be?"
"As you want to be."
I looked over at Luna, who suddenly became somewhat self-conscious. I remembered what I had seen in the mirror yesterday, with my brown hair and green eyes, and I also tried to think of the larger guards who had caught me or Big Macintosh, or maybe Doughnut Joe. I tried melding the images together in my mind, and came up with something I thought was OK.
"I... I think I'm ready."
Celestia closed her eyes, and leaned in closer to me. She placed her horn onto my forehead (it felt like a knuckle bone), and it began to glow that same banana yellow. I closed my eyes and kept concentrating on having a horn, like Luna, being a large figure and having brown hair. A few moments later, I felt like I had been out in the sun for far too long. My legs felt like jello, and I was forced to lift my knees as they bent the wrong way painlessly; It was as though they had suddenly become double jointed for that moment. I felt the strangest sensation near my forehead, like it was suddenly moving forward. I fell forward, on my hands, and suddenly realized that I hand't decided what color I wanted to be.
The heat faded as suddenly as it had appeared, and I heard Celestia step back. Which was weird, because I could still feel my hands, and still felt like I was kneeling on the ground. Except that my legs were in front of me instead of behind. Besides that, I felt... normal. Unchanged, kind of.
"Um..." I um-ed, "can I open my eyes now?"
"Pray tell, sister, did you intend for her to turn out this way?" Luna asked.
"WHAT?!" I all but screamed, opening my eyes. The first thing I noticed was that Celestia was trying, badly, to conceal a grin. That wasn't important. What was, to me, was looking between my legs. I stood on four legs, looked between them and saw... nothing. My crotch was close to seamless. If not for the fact that I could still feel where certain things were, I might have believed Luna. That being said, my seamless crotch had a brown tail behind it, and my navy blue body had that same light outline the rest of the world did. The spell worked.
I looked over at Luna, who seemed to be in a better mood. I shook my head slightly, and gave her back a grin that wasn't entirely faked. "Ha. Ha. Scare the man out of his masculinity, why don't you. What, are my eyelashes long or something?"
I'll admit, I was at least a little happy that she seemed to be in a better mood. Personally, I wanted to take that experience with the dungeon into the back of my mind, lock it in a safe, dig a hole and bury it. I didn't want to think of ponies that way, ever. They were too nice to be bad. That being said... maybe I didn't want to hang out with Luna for a while. Or ever.
Celestia gave me another once over, and made a rather troubling comment in an otherwise neutral tone.
"Hmm. That's odd."
To a man already in fear for his masculinity, that particular line wasn't nice to hear from the pony responsible for my new appearance. I liken the feeling to hearing your doctor saying the same thing, more or less. It's probably not good news.
"What?" I asked, "Did something go wrong? You said this was reversible if something went wrong, right?"
"Hmm?" Celestia asked, staring above my eyes. "Oh, nothing of the sort. Your horn, though..."
Celestia glanced sidelong at her sister, then back at me. "What were you thinking during the spell, exactly?" she asked.
I brought it back to mind easily, as I had been repeating the phrase in my head over and over while the spell was cast. "I was thinking of your larger guards, of my brown hair, and green eyes, I guess, and I thought of having a horn, like Luna-"
"You specifically thought of it 'like Luna?'" Celestia asked, trying to confirm something.
"Uh, yeah..." My heart sank, "Did I do something wrong?"
Celestia shook her head, keeping her eyes on my horn. "Not really. That just confirms what I thought you were thinking. You didn't mention thinking of a color, and you were using Luna's horn as a baseline. Not only that, but you thought of yourself 'like Luna.' Your coat is the same color as hers is, and your horn is about the same size. It's certainly larger than a regular unicorn's. There's nothing wrong, it just stands out somewhat. There's no reason to feel self-conscious about it; Prince Blueblood's horn is around the same size."
I tried to look up at my horn, and had mixed results. I could see it somewhat, but not precisely. I shrugged, unperturbed. If I had a longer horn, fine. Even so, I wanted to get a better look at myself, as someone else might see me. As I prepared to ask for a mirror, Luna suddenly blurted, "So you never found your special talent, then?"
I looked over at her, then followed her eyes back to my flank. It was smooth and bare. Huh. Hadn't thought to check that.
"Luna!" Celestia chastised her sister, "Manners! It's perfectly normal for a human not to be sure of their special talent as soon as they arrive." She turned her attention towards me and tried to placate me, "I'm sorry, Thomas, she didn't mean anything by it."
"If you say so. I'm guessing cutie marks mean a lot more to you guys, er, girls, than it does to us humans. Personally, I never wanted any tattoos, so I guess this just means I'll either get one later or I won't. Life goes on, right?"
Calm is a coping mechanism for the unexpected, and it's one I'm rather fond of. Strange stuff is happening that isn't otherwise dangerous? Roll with it. Kinda cool to see how important Cutie Marks really are, though. To think, bringing them up might be considered insulting!
My next thought went out to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Hmm. Yeah, I guess I could see why Cutie Marks mattered. They were a right of passage. One I hadn't earned yet. Must have been a sore spot for many an older blank flank. But my thoughts digressed. Something else was bothering me. I looked back at my flank. It was blank. It was also very clearly bare.
"Quick question: Where'd my clothes go?"
Luna said something in "magic." No, I have absolutely no idea what she actually said, word for word, as I had been expecting Celestia to answer me, so don't ask. If I had to guess at it, though, it was something like (and please don't quote me here, as I only half heard how she started), "The body of mass you contained has been temporarily both altered and transformed to another space in reality, anchored to your geolocation, where they're being preserved to the specifications you represented before undergoing transfiguration as par Celestia's spell and your mental image of your final form."
Except she didn't use scientific terms. She used magical ones I wasn't familiar with. She also threw in a couple of numbers here and there. Celestia, however, saw the rather glazed-over look in my eyes, and gave me the quick and dirty translation: "They're kind of like a memory, except they're following you around and can't be forgotten. When you transform back, you'll already be wearing them."
Right. Like I said, I didn't get it at the time, but I'd probably get a chance to understand it later. Besides, I'd probably have a chance to get something to wear sooner or later. I could handle a very brief bout of nudity, provided nobody stared at me.
My stomach growled slightly, and I broke out of my wandering thoughts again. Both Celestia and Luna had heard it.
"Soooo..." I asked, "How about that lunch?"