Haygas Chaos

by Kuroyami Fukaikuro

Chapter Two: Saturday Sucked (Weed)

A/N: And now, the conclusion to this epic! But if it gets featured (Tell your friends) I'll make a sequel where I travel across ALL of Equestria with Discord.

I woke up.
I was groggy- the alcohol was still in my system. I sat up, looked at my surroundings, and was impressed with what had supposedly transpired.
Judging by who else was in the bed, I had f*cked Twilight, Trixie, and Luna.
YOU JELLY, NON-GAMER FAGS?????? (Sorry I have been watching some Troll Science vids)
Twilight was on my right, Trixie was on my left, and Luna was at the foot of the bed in the fetal position. I tried to get up quietly, and failed miserably.
They all woke up at roughly the same time (I guess Unicorns/Alicorns can sense when others wake up???) and eyed me seductively.

"That... Was amazing." Twilight said.
"Indeed." Said Trixie.
"I concur." Said Luna.
"I'm dead." Said I.
"Why do you say so?" Asked Twilight.
"Because I threw your brother out a window, AND slept with you."
"Oh yeah. Well, you don't have to worry, I'll vouch for you."
I got off the bed and began getting dressed. They remained in bed, naked, slightly covered in the blankets, in sexy poses.
I'll let your mind process that for a bit.

...

...
You done clopping yet? No? Okay.
...

...
Alright, on with the story. I just finished putting on my pants when I heard shouting outside the door. I turned to Twilight.
"Well, I hope you talk fast, because that sounds like a pissed off brother- being a brother, I would know."
Shining Armor kicked the door down.
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Dude, calm down."
"YOU THREW ME OUT THE WINDOW! HOW AM I-" He noticed Twilight. "Did... Did you..."
"Yes. I slept with your sister."
He pulled out his sword, and gave himself magic armor. "YOU DIE NOW!"
Just then, Helghast (remember him?) poked his head through the doorway. "Hey, I heard shouting, what's going-" He noticed Twilight. "NO! Now my fantasy threesome with Twilight and Applejack won't happen, if Kuroyami already got Twilight!"
Shining Armor turned to him and stared. Helghast pointed at me. "Well, he actually DID sleep with your sister."
"I'll get to you later." Shining turned back to me. I ran towards the window.
"I'M BEING SARCASTIC, THANKS A LOT FOR THE HELP TWILIGHT!" I yelled as I jumped through the window, grabbing my katana on the way out.
Then I remembered, we were on the top floor. Fifteen floors up.

Shining Armor looked out the window. "That crazy bastard..." He turned and left the room, clearly continuing the chase.
Helghast awkwardly looked around the penthouse. "So... Uh..."
"Would you like to have sex?" Twilight asked.
"...What."
"Your little fantasy... Applejack's down the hall, and as far as I know, she's always down to fuck."
"But... You just..."
"As well as a magician, I'm also a scientist. Kuroyami was... Fantastic, but I need to compare."
"Uhhh. Okay. Sure."
Twilight got off the bed and took Helghast's arms. "Well then, to Applejack's we go."
That's right. They fucked. (Are you happy now Helghast/Intellect Stretcher? I'm calling you OUT! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? IS THIS NOT WHAT YOU CAME TO READ?)

"Shit. Ninja skills, don't fail me now!" My feet touched the windows of the building parallel to the casino. Ten floors up. I slid down six floors, and saw Discord skippind across the street. I jumped from the building and landed on Discord's back.
"Someone's rather jumpy this morning."
"Shut up. I just jumped out a window fifteen floors up and almost died. Not from the fall, but from Shining Armor. He's hell-bent on killing me."
"Well, you did throw him out a window. And sleep with his sister."
"Well, at least I got some last night."
"You think I didn't?"
"Who did you fuck?"
"Celestia and Chrysalis. You think you're the only one with game?"
"I suppose not."
"Well, enjoy your fleeing!"
"Enjoy your chaos!"
"I always do!"
We parted ways.

I had been exploring Haygas for a while and discoverd a little alleyway. It was dark, dirty, and suspicious.
"The perfect hiding place!"
I walked down, and after a while, I discoverd an aclove in the wall. The human versions of Screwball, Lyra, and Derpy were there, as well as a human I knew from his demeanor...
'His demeanor' meaning he was higher than Celestia's sun.
"KingCrownless?"
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I know that voice. Dudeimcool?"
"Yeah."
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy man, you wanna smoke some weed?"
"No..."
"Awwwwww come onnnnnnn, everypony's doing it."
"... Is weed the reason Derpy's eyes are..."
Derpy looked up at me. Her eyes were looking in opposite directions. "Yep. When I'm sober, I can see just like anypony else."
"Interesting. Is Red-Dead-"
"Yep."
My mind melted.
"DUDE! If Red-Dead ever finds Sweetie Belle, HE'S GONNA RAPE HER!"
"Oh yeah... Maybe I should have stopped him. Want some weed?"
"...Sure. Maybe I can use it to distract Red-Dead. Or at least, to lead Sweetie Belle away from him with the promise of the 'Drug Lord' Cutie Mark..."
"Oh man, If I was a pony, that would totally be my Cutie Mark." Crownless stated.
"Good for you man. Good for you." He waved as I ran off to save Sweetie Belle's innocence.

Helghast got off the bed and looked at Twilight. "So... How did I compare?"
"It might have been the alcohol, so I'll have to do another test... but you didn't compare. That was awful." (I STILL GOT MY LAST LAUGH)
Applejack sat up. "Well, that 'Koo-row-yah-mi' of yours must have been something, 'cuz that was the best sex I ever had." (OK FINE HELGHAST NOW I'M DONE COMPENSATING)
"He was something." She looked away wistfully before replying, "Oh, Helghast, are you going to take responsibility?"
"For what?"
Twilight looked back at him. "You got Applejack pregnant." (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) (This senario requested by Helghast himself)
Applejack looked at Twilight. "HE DID WHAT NOW????"
Helghast looked at Twilight. "I DID WHAT NOW???????"
Twilight blinked. "The fuck did I just say."
Helghast blinked a bit, then held Applejack's hands. "I swear, I'll take responsibility. I'll even permanently move to Equestria, help on the farm, whatever!"
Applejack kissed him. "You better not be lying."
"I'm not."
...

AND THAT CONCLUDES THIS SIDE STORY, BACK TO WHAT YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT

...

I kicked the door down. Red-Dead was sitting on a thrown of lesser perverts, and Sweetie Belle was at the bottom, with a chained collar around her neck.
"Holy crap man, I knew you were fucked-up, but this is too far. I mean, I'm fucked up. I'd gladly eat my sisters heart for free, if I wouldn't get into any trouble for it. But pedophillia? That's just wrong, man. She hasn't even hit puberty yet!"
"I know man, that's why it's important that I do her now, while she's ripe! And in Equestria, it's pedo-FILLY-a."
"I don't have time for your pony-puns." I drew my katana. "It's time to end this."
"And what makes you think you can-"
SHLUCK
The katana impaled him in between the eyes. I threw it.
"That's the problem with all these 'hero-villain confrontations'. The hero just sits there and lets the villain monologue. And they keep TALKING and TALKING. Well fuck that shit." His body fell down the pile of perverts. I pulled the katana out. I cut the chain on Sweetie Belle's collar. "Come on. Let's get out of here."
As we began to leave, the perverts rose up from their positions. "We can't let you leave."
I sighed. "Very well then. Katana form one; Flash of Steel." I moved faster than the human eye could see and knocked them all out with the back of the blade. I turned to Sweetie Belle again. "Okay, NOW let's get out of here."
We left. Sweetie Belle was returned to her family. Red-Dead was brought back to life with some Chaos Magic and banished from Equestria.
It would lead to much hatred between us.

I was walking down Main Street when I saw a young boy with brown hair-Pipsqueak?- put up a poster, and walk away to put up more. I walked up to the poster to see what was going on, and blew my mind.
Luna would be performing live, with some of the main villains.

"Oh man, I've definitely gotta see this."
"Too bad you'll be dead." A familiar voice said behind me.
I turned, and lo and behold, Shining Armor was there.
"Alright, fine. Let's finish this."
"Good. And this time, I've prepped my magic- you won't knock me out so easily."
I laughed. "Good thing I'm descended from one of the most ancient of Asian families. We've developed our own form of magic. Now, let's see if I can get it to work." I rolled up my left sleeve, and bit my five right fingers until they bled. I touched all five of them to my left arm, and runes in various languages appeared. "Heh, this'll be-"
And then the hangover hit me.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY GGGGGGGGOOOOOOODDDDDDD THIS IS PAINFULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH"
I tried to concentrate, and brought up a magi-holographic menu of spells.
"Okay, okay... Wait, what language is this? It kinda looks familiar, but it doesn't look like the normal runes I use... What the fuck does this say? ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtgn? Whatever, skip this language. Alright, next menu of spells... Okay, good, Latin, a language I can understand. Let's see..." I pointed my hand at Shining. "IGNIS!"
Shining was instantly enveloped in a ball of fire.
"HOOOOOOOLLLLY CELESTIA I'M ON FIRE! HOLY SHIT AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH"
"OH MY GOD! OH SHIT! UH, IT WAS ONLY SUPPOSED TO SHOOT A FIREBALL! UHHH, SHIT, UH, OKAY, LET'S TRY, CATARACTARUM!"
An infinite amount of water began to fall on Shining. And the pressure was immense. It was like Niagara Falls condensed onto Shining's chest.

Shining: "FJKLWEJHFJDSlk GHDSFGJKJFSDKJFSDJFLKGN ESD IOGJSLKDJG DJFGJELD JFLED"
Me: "HOLY SHIT! OH CRAP, UH, GOTTA STOP THE FALLS, UH, SHIT, DESINE!" The water flow stopped. Shining was lying on the ground. The last of the hangover pain subsided as I got my body under control.

"Oh shit. I wonder, will Twilight mind if he dies?"
Discord, who had apparently seen the fight, replied, "Yes."
"I knew that!" I called back to him, as he was already walking away. I wondered, how would I get him to wake up? Then I remembered: The Weed! I lit it and waved under his nose. He coughed, and I dropped him on the ground. I walked away calmly, leaving the weed in his mouth. I thought, maybe it would help him calm down.
Hehehe.
I went and had a delcious lunch, knocking out everyone in line at Sugarcube Corner.

I stood at the front of the crowd, one of many. The lights dimmed. The band walked on stage; Luna, Discord, Sombra, and Chrysalis. Luna got on the mic with a guitar, Discord was main guitar, Sombra on bass (guitar), and Chrysalis on drums.

They began.
(Lyrics based on this)

My name is Luna, the crazy, sexy Princess, I'm not emo,
I'm breaking the news now Tia, us ponies, we're feeling repressed girl,

She noticed me from in the audience and used her magic to shine a spotlight on me. Based on what she sang next, it was clear she remembered our time together.

Hey check out that hot one, damn he's got a big (LOUD ASS BLEEP) delicious.
It's time to get busy now so will ya'll excuse me,

She conjured up words in the air.

Read the air, I'm busy.
Chry-salis!
Again you've dialed NLR-2-900.
Som-bra line! Copy that, launch the chorus.

N-L-R! Show Celetia who we are!
N-L-R, YEAH! Raise our flag so she can see!
N-L-R! Praise the Moon, not Pinkie P.
N-L-R-r-r-r YEAH! Ya'll ready to be free?

Discord walked up to the mic and Luna stepped back.

By the way my name's Discord, I am chaos, stingling errors.
And I got sweet tooth for anarchy,
'Cept a govt. run by me.
Draconequus will pwn you, I got no mercy for, all your friendships.
Twilight Sparkle hates me 'cuz I made Flutters nasty.
I get high being random!

Chry-salis!
You keep slapping my (whoa that's not appropriate) around.
Som-bra line! Crazy guy comin' your way.

He shared the mic with Luna and they both sang the chorus.

N-L-R! Show Celetia who we are!
N-L-R, YEAH! Standing ovation, please!
N-L-R! Wave that flag, wild and free.
N-L-R-r-r-r YEAH! Ya'll ready to be free?

Luna transformed into Nightmare Moon (like, she completely gave her body to her other self) and she sang. The crowd went wild, me included.

I know you know...
Celestia's being a troll.
I know you know~
you'll help me overthrow.
Before I go...
There's something I wanna say.
Your sleeping 'Night-mare Moon',
Wake it up,
Wake it up!

N-L-R! Show Celetia who we are!
N-L-R, YEAH! Raise our flag so she can see!
N-L-R! Praise the Moon, not Rainbow D.
N-L-R-r-r-r YEAH! Ya'll ready to be free?

The song ended. Everyone clapped and cheered, but then the spotlight shined on someone at the back of the crowd. The crowd parted and Twilight stepped through. She stood in front of me.

"Kuroyami!" She said.
"Yes?"
"I came to tell you, about your friend, Helghast? He got Applejack pregnant."
"What."
"Yeah it went like this..." (Please re-read what I've already written.)
"Wow. You went so far as to test sex with a control?"
"Um... Yes... but afterwards, I realized something..."
"What?"
"That I- That I um," She began to blush and mutter indecipherably.

Wait a minute, I thought. She's blushing and is acting kind of awkward...

"You fell in love with me, didn't you."
"Um-I-Uh-Yes."
"..."
"Kuroyami?"
"DISCORD! OPEN THE PORTAL!"
"Sure thing man." he opened the portal.
I began to run towards it. Twilight chased me.
"Wha-Wait! Acknowledge my feelings, at least!"
I jumped through, screaming, "AIN'T NOPONY GOT TIME FOR THAT!"

I landed in my bed. I dropped my katana to the floor and thought about what had just happened. Then, another, smaller portal appeared right above me. It was Discord, and he poked his head through to talk.

"Hey man. I've traversed time-space to talk to you. It's been a couple days since you left."
"What's happened?"
"Well, right afterwards, Twilight broke down and cried, and it got a little worse when Luna yelled at her, complaining about how she confessed first."
"Wait, 'First'?"
"Apparently, Twilight wasn't the only one you impressed that night."
"Huh. What's up with Shining?"
"He's become addicted to weed."
"Oh..."
"Not, like, 'needs-rehab' addicted, but he is getting help 'cuz Cadence doesn't approve."
"Hah. How's Helghast?"
"He moved to Sweet Apple Acres with Applejack. His pony form is actually pretty helpful, despite it's lack of magic or flying ability. He's almost as physically strong as Applejack herself! Almost. She can still kick his ass, and sometimes does when he starts freaking out about losing and stuff."
"Sounds just like him. How's Twilight doing now?"
"Well... Shining, while he was sober, caught her... you know... *cough*masturbating*cough* to the thought of you."
"What."
"Yeah man, I guess she was serious. You've done so much shit in public view, you're practically a legend here. Hey man, you should know, now that you've been here once, you can come back anytime. But you should wait a few days for all of this to actually happen; you know, wouldn't want to cause a rip in the fabric of time-space and all that."
"Well, considering what I've done, I think I'll wait a few months to let my legend die down at least a little. Has Luna started her little Lunar Revolution yet? (HA HA SHAMELESS ADVERTISING) Maybe during summer vacation, in a few months, ((OOC: Please keep in mind that this fic is not on the same timeline as real life)) I'll come back and you can give me a grand tour of ALL of Equestria."
"That sounds like a marvelous idea. See you then."
"See ya."

Author's Note: Hello people. If you would like to see this series continued, give it a like and a fave. If I get enough, or if it gets featured, I'll make a spin-off, called- well, I'll keep that a secret. But if I do decide to continue it, you'll know what it is.