You are Anon, proud of chin and green of hue. Specifically you are the Nth Anon, category “Unwilling Dimensional Traveller”, subcategory “Equestria”. It has been many years since you arrived in a cartoon world in a flash of blinding light. Along the way you have made friends with the locals, intervened in matters of national security and generally enjoyed being taller than everypony else.
Today finds you in the library of the Crystal Castle. For hours now you’ve been frantically reading books of magical lore, pausing occasionally to scribble runes on a sheet of parchment. Slowly, you ink over the pencil marks as your magnum opus comes to completion. A problem that has vexed you for hours is nearly solved.
With a smile and a stretch, you reach out and shake the small bell on the desk. There’s no sound, but a flicker of purple magic tells you it worked. Somewhere in the depths of this crystal labyrinth, a bing bong noise would be sounding in whatever room the lady you sought currently resided in. Any second now…
*POP*
A lavender alicorn teleported into the room. She smiled to see you, her eyes running over all the books on your table.
“Everything alright Anon?” She asked pleasantly.
“It will be in a moment. Behold! The fruits of my labour!” You hold the parchment out and Twilight takes it from you. She looks over it, confusion creasing her brow. That’s annoying, you expected a little more recognition of your genius.
“I know most of these runes, but never combined them like this. Just what is this meant to do?”
“Twilight, have you ever had a day where you awaken with a craving? A craving that if not fulfilled will consume your every thought and leave no peace in your soul until it is satisfied?”
“No Anon,” She deadpanned. “As a mare of a certain age, I have never known such a sensation on a monthly basis.”
“Fair point. So you know the kind of distress I’m in. I found myself thinking of a drink from my homeland, an elixir served ice cold, the likes of which I haven’t had the pleasure of since arriving in this pastel wonderland.”
“What drink? And just what does that have to do with, whatever this is?” She gestured to your masterpiece.
“Cherry Coke. Well you see, I just had to taste that delight again. So I went to see Pinkie and told her of my dilemma. Naturally I assumed that she’d just pull a bottle of it from under the nearest rock.”
“And?”
“She expressed her sorrow at my plight, then she said that it didn’t work like that. As a way of apology, she pulled a cupcake from under the nearest rock. With that option exhausted, I moved onto Plan B and went to see Discord. I told him my tale. “No problem.” he replied and with a snap of his fingers, summoned me a rooster made of glacé cherries.
Well I told him straight, that that was funny but maddeningly unhelpful. He said that was brilliant and immediately printed it onto five thousand business cards. I asked sincerely if he could help. The fiend started rambling on about just how much of his power it would take to reach across dimensions and fetch me a can. I won’t bore you with the details, but it was an insulting low number. Realising that no hope lay that way, I relented and played a quick game of Living Scrabble with him before coming here.
I was hoping for a nice simple spell that shared memories, but the nearest I could find was in that book labelled “Don’t Cast! Highly illegal! For academic use only!”. So I had to get creative. Which leads us nicely back to the paper you’ve been squinting at for the last five minutes.”
“Anon,” Twilight sighed. “That’s all very well and good, but how is this meant to share memories? Even if it did, how would that help you get a drink?”
“Think about it my dear little bookworm. There are ponies in this world who live to make flavours a reality, all I need to do is get the taste out of my head and into theirs. Why don’t I run you through my thought process and see what you think?”
“Ok, lay it on me.”
“We start with a short lived paralysis spell, which should last about ten seconds. I’ll need to be perfectly still for the next bit. Then this one here is a medial scan spell, I’ll think about the taste of coke and you should see bits of my brain light up. The illusion spell marks the appropriate areas of my brain with little tags. These next two are a combination of x-ray and magnification, that’ll let the caster zoom in on the right neuron. With the little blighter in your crosshairs, a remote charging spell, set to a very low voltage. Fire that off and stimulate the neuron. If I’m right, this spell here will then let you measure the output. Take that output, and enchant a crystal to replicate it on a blank neuron in the user’s brain. Memory transfer without dark magic, simple as that!”
Twilight stared at you, her mouth open and closed a few times. Then a thoughtful look came over her.
“That just might work. There’s a problem though.”
“Oh? Where?”
“The remote charging spell stage. The level of precision needed to hit a single neuron is astronomical. I couldn’t do it, I don’t know if even Princess Celestia could. Getting the pure taste memory is impossible. At best, it’d stimulate a cluster and you’d get a memory of a time when you drank it.”
You smile, at last things are looking up. “But that would be enough for a brew master to replicate?”
“I guess so, as long as you're happy letting somepony else see through your eyes.”
“For that sweetness, yes, I am ok with that. Will you cast this for me, please?”
“I don’t see why not, even if it doesn’t work, it shouldn’t harm you in any way. We just need a crystal to enchant, I'll go and get,”
*Clink*
“Just for my own peace of mind Anon, were you aware that a harmony infused crystal table will slowly grow back if, say, some ape chipped off the corner with his elbow?”
“For your sake Twi, let's say yes.”
“Good, give me a moment.”
You watch as she rereads the paper, then her horn begins to glow brighter and brighter as she pulls magic from the aether. Your body locks up as stage one begins, followed by a strange but not unpleasant sensation as the spells coarse through you. Crystal powder falls to the carpet as runes carved into the block and it gives off a soft blue light. Finally your hand twitches as you regain control of your limbs.
“Did it work?”
“Only one way to find out.” She taps on the crystal three times and a strand of blue lighting runs up her hoof and in through her ear.
“I’m getting something. I see a desk, I’m typing something on a keyboard. I’m, well I guess you’re reaching for a glass bottle with a dark purple label. It feels cold in my hand, I’m taking a sip. Oh wow, that is nice. The bubbles tickle and I’m letting out an impressive burp.”
You fist pump. “Yes! It won’t be long now. You can pull out Twi.”
“Doesn’t work like that Anon. The memory isn’t finished yet. I’ve put the bottle down and I’m wiping my mouth. Head’s turning, I can see your screen now. There’s some artifacting but I think you're looking at a picture of me. Oh, is this that cartoon you said you knew our world from? Yes, that’s definitely me and Big Mac. And we’re…”
Twilight goes pink in the face and stares at you for a moment. In a fluid movement, she crushed the crystal to dust with one hoof and slaps your face with the other. Then in a flash of purple light she teleports to parts unknown.
Right….
“Anon, darling! Whatever has happened to you?”
“It’s a long story Rarity, mind if I come in?”
“Of course not, please sit down.”
In the Carousel Boutique, you sit in the living room with Fashion Horse and tell her of the day's events. She listens intently, sipping from a cup of tea as you go.
“I simply cannot believe Twilight would act in such a way, just seeing a picture of herself and Big Mac. To leave a mark like that on you, it’s just not ladylike!”
“I know Rares, at least all my teeth are still in place. What really hurts though, is that I’m no closer to getting my drink.”
“That will not do. I may not have Twilight’s gift for the arcane, but I’m no stranger to following complicated instructions. Let me try it for you.”
“You really are a diamond Rares. Thank you.”
“Flattery will get you everywhere darling,” She winks at you. “Now I don’t have a crystal to hoof, but from what I remember of Magic 101, a gemstone should do just fine.”
A topaz floats over from one of her storage boxes. Like Twilight before her, Rarities horn lights a brilliant blue as she charges up. You feel the same sensations from last time as an unseen force carves runes into the gem.
“My, that took more out of me than I thought. How Twilight does things like that everyday I shall never know. Now let's see what all the fuss is about.”
Tapping the gem three times, the lighting strand runs up her pristine coat.
“My, what a strange posture. I appear to be striking tiny boxes with your digits. Such speed and precision, I must take a trip through that mirror one day and try this myself. Ah, there’s the beverage you mentioned, I’m ingesting it now. Oh that is delightful, no wonder you want to recreate it. Oh Anon! The least you could do is say “excuse me” after such an act! Now I’m looking at a light show box, I say that appears to be me, with a…with a…”
Disproving certain sayings about atmospheric electrical discharges, Rarity crushes the gemstone and delivers you a slap that makes your ancestors wince. Being forcefully levitated out your seat, the last thing you hear before getting thrown into the street is;
“WITH A TIMBERWOLF!?!”
“Three broken molars and one canine.” A monotone voice informs you.
“Theenks Doctar. Ei caan eel hat.” You reply, a trickle of blood running down your chin.
“Don’t worry Anon, I know just the spell." Starlight zaps you with a magic ray and the pain leaves your jaw as four teeth slot themselves back together.
“Much better, thank you.” After your ejection from the boutique, you’d limped round to the School of Friendship looking for Starlight. Mercifully she was still in her office, having a chat with Maud.
“Who did this to you?” Starlight asked aghast.
“Rarity, although I think Twilight may have loosened them for her.” You then give the two mares a quick rundown of the day.
“That’s weird. Can I see the spell?” You hand it to Glimmer. “Not the best work I’ve ever seen, but nothing here that should make the caster so violent. I wonder what went wrong?”
“Azul Macaubas.”
“Pardon?” You ask Maud.
“It’s the superior stone for holding information.” She states simply. Reaching into her saddle bag, she pulls out a smooth piece of gray and blue banded stone. “Try it on this.”
You look at Starlight. She looks between you and the pebble in Maud’s hoof. “Only if you’re sure Anon.”
You give it serious thought, but a world without that sweet taste is not a world worth living in.
“Do it.”
Starlight nods and performs the ritual. Everything goes into slow motion as you realise that Maud has tapped on the stone once, twice.
“WAIT!”
Too late, she strikes the third time and a familiar strand of lighting travels up her leg. Desperately you look around the office for something to defend yourself with, but there is nothing here that Maud couldn’t break with a look. So you brace and wait for the pain train to pull in.
“I don’t know what the problem is, that drink was nice.”
Relief floods through you as your organs remain in their rightful place. Maud passes the stone to Starlight. “Here.”
Starlight taps the rock and your blood freezes as the counsellor goes bright red, eyes bulging. She tries to talk but fails. After a sip of cocoa, she tries again.
“Was that?”
“You, me, Sunburst, Mudbriar and Trixie? Yes it was.”
“That’s, that’s…”
“Something we can arrange. Anon?”
“Yes?”
“Get out.”
“Let me get this straight, you’ll pay fifty bits for my brother and I to cast this spell of unknown origin on you?”
“Is that a problem?”
“Not at all, just making sure we’re all on the same page.”
It had taken the rest of the day to find the Flim Flam brothers, what luck that their latest scheme had taken them past town.
“Thank you very much,” You said the instant you could move your mouth. “I’ll take that and be on my,”
“Come now oh friend of ours, what do you take us for?” Flim asked.
“We insist on testing this before accepting your money.” Flam continued. Before you could grab the crystal, he activated it.
“My word, try this Flim.” You could only watch as the stallion passed your ticket to the golden gates of coladise over to his cold lipped sibling.
“I say! I don’t believe we’ve thought of Applejack that way before!!”
“Indeed not!”
“But a fascinating idea nonetheless.”
“That it is brother, that it is!
“What say we act on this?”
“No time like the present.”
“Goodbye” They said in unison.
“Wait a minute!” You shouted as they started to run towards Sweet Apple acres, leaving their cart behind. “What about the money?”
“Keep it!”
“What about my crystal?”
“We’re keeping it.”
“Why?”
“In case this doesn’t play out!”
You went to bed that night in a foul mood. After a long time tossing and turning, at last, sleep came over you. Sooner than expected you awoke. Only not in your bed, but in a glade at dusk. Perhaps it was the cactus doing cartwheels in the distance, but something told you this was not altogether real.
“Evening Anon, how goes it?”
The stars twinkled as your favourite princess flew down to meet you.
“Been better Lu, had a hell of a day.”
“That will not do, come.” She gestures to a bench that wasn’t there seconds ago. You sit down and Luna curls up next to you, resting her hooves on your lap. “Do tell of your woes.”
“I’m not sure we have the time.”
“Time is a fluid concept here, tell me.”
So you run through the day's events, a phantom pain running along your mouth. Luna listens perplexed and at the conclusion, laughs in your face.
“Oh Anon, why didn’t you come to me to begin with? This is my realm and I can grant certain boons to those I visit. Think about your beloved drink and it will be so.”
You do so and to no surprise an ice cold bottle appears in your hand. Taking a tentative sip, that longed for flavour fills your mouth. But as you chug like it had the antidote in, the hole in your soul remains unfilled.
“It’s no good Lu,” You sigh, vanishing the bottle. “It might taste the same, but in this place, it is but an illusion, a fantasy. I need to make it real. I’ve got to perfect that damn spell!”
“We have some experience with such matters, allow me to try it, maybe I can see what’s wrong.”
“Will that translate to the waking world?”
“I don’t see why not. Show me that parchment you spoke of.”
With a thought, you did so. It was rather pleasant being able to turn thought into action so easily. No wonder Discord enjoyed it so.
“There’s nothing wrong with the theory. Perhaps casting so many little spells in sequence causes some manner of mental strain. I’ll give it a go.”
Luna went through the same motions you’d experienced all day. You watched with bated breath as she took in the new memory, hoping against hope that this would be the one.
“Anon?”
“Yes Lu?”
“You are a cad. This is for showing me such things about myself and my sister,”
She slaps you with the force of a falling mountain.
“And this is for having her in the dominant position. I AM THE ONE WHO DOMINATES!”
Her hoof swings again.
With a groan you wake in your bed, feeling more tired than when you turned in. Rolling over, you pull the covers back over yourself and hope to catch a few more winks before returning fully to this terrible, cokeless world.
Right on cue there came a knocking at the door. Stifling curses, you go to see who dares. Wincing as the sunlight falls into your eyes, you can just make out the shapes of two guards on your doorstep.
“Mr Anon, your presence is required in The Crystal Empire with all due haste.”
“Can I sleep on the train?”
“Certainly sir.”
“Lead on.”
Eight hours later you leave the railway station feeling much better. You might be getting marched straight to the palace, but they haven’t placed you in irons, so things couldn’t be too bad.
“Presenting the human, Anon!”
“Thank you Sergeant, you may go.”
In the throne room of the Crystal Empire sat Princess Cadence and Prince Armor. Cadence waved you forward as the door was shut behind you. The pink alicorn looked rather amused, while her husband was staring daggers at you.
“Welcome Anon, would you be so good as to explain something to me?” Shining Armor spoke through gritted teeth.”
“I will do my best, your highness.”
A small item was floated over to you. It was one of those postcards from a tacky hotel in Las Pegasus. Flipping it over, your heart sinks as you read words in a familiar handwriting. Or horn writing in this case.
“Twilight and Big Mac, have eloped?”
Cadence giggled madly, Shining looked like he’d forgotten about magic and was attempting to set you on fire by will power alone.
“That is how it appears,” The prince continued. “She thanks you for setting them on this path, is there anything you would like to tell me?”
“Yes, well, erm…you see…”
Mercifully you were spared any further questioning as a hole was blown through the wall. Striding in came a unicorn in full war regalia.
“Did you dare think I was gone? That mere death would stop my ambitions! I have returned to claim my rightful,”
“King Sombra! Thank goodness you’re here!”
“Come again?” The tyrant looks up at you in confusion.
“The Lord of Crystals. Master of mind magic. Single minded in your pursuits. If anypony can help, it's you. Please cast this spell on me.”
“If you insist.” Taking a pair of reading glasses from his cape pocket, Sombra read your scroll and with a flick of his horn, summoned a piece of dark crystal into being. The spell completed, he knocked it three times, stared blankly into space for a moment, then fixed you with a perplexed look.
“I, wow. You need help, you know that right?”
“What do you want, Sombra?” Cadence called.
“Right,” He started to walk towards the thrones. “I have come to, you see that is…” His pace was perfectly measured but he couldn’t seem to meet the royal’s eyes anymore.
“To see my wife and I in chains?” Shining asked.
“To seize our fertile valleys?” Cadence chimed in.
“To plunder crystal booty?” A passing guard added.
If the King went any redder he could have been seen from orbit.
“I think I want to go home.” He said quietly.
“Oh no you don’t! Speak your demands so I may refuse them!” Shining roared. “Speak man, speak!”
Taking the last step, Sombra leant forward and whispered something into Cadence’s ear.
“Is that all?” She said. “Well why didn’t you just fill out an application like all the other ponies? Shining and I would be happy to fit you in. I believe we have a few hours free this afternoon.”
You couldn’t see his face but Sombra’s tail was wagging.
“Anon, we don’t know quite how you changed Sombra’s mind. But in light of the war you just prevented, I hereby forbid my husband from murdering you for corrupting his sister.”
“I didn’t corrupt, you know what, I’ll take it.”
“One last thing.”
“Yes, your highness?”
“GET OUT!” All three of them yelled at you.
During the long walk home you began to wonder if you should just settle for a glass of lemonade after all.