They say misery loves company, but I'm not sure why. I think I'd actually rather enjoy being miserable by myself.
I would, at least, if it meant I didn't have to spend another moment in the presence of this noxious menagerie, on the coldest day of the year, in the coldest part of the world. Welcome to the far, far north - so far that it has no name on pony maps, and is usually depicted as an undefined snowy blob. The creatures here simply called it The Storm Kingdom, at least during the times when the fluff-brained oaf had settled on that particular monicker.
Right now, said oaf was standing across the office next to the snack tables, engaged in tedious chatter with a few simpering underlings. I had an eye and an ear on him - with somecreature as capricious as him, it was always pertinent to maintain a ready awareness, lest he throw an ill-conceived curveball my way - but otherwise, I was far more preoccupied with keeping warm.
The office furniture had been hastily stowed at the side of the room, stationery tidied away in drawers, to clear the floor space for the Winter Solstice party, an annual festivity intended to distract these forsaken creatures from the bleakness of their existence. All of the Storm King's senior staff were here, myself included, along with a few others who had been dragged into this.
The head office of the Storm King's business operation was not really suited for a party, but it had been the boss's decision, and only the stupidest creatures dared to challenge it. I knew the reason for the decision, of course. The miserly baboon simply didn't want to spend any more money than he had to. Otherwise, we could have been supping on fine wine at the Ice Palace down the road. It was still just as cold there, but least the decor was classy.
The Storm King is a financial genius, you see, but only in his own head. If he actually knew what he was doing, he might have realized that he can have anything he wants for free in his own kingdom. I mean, he directly owns the Ice Palace. But of course, he doesn't understand money, or power.
Luckily for him, I understand both. He is hilariously unaware that, were it not for my brilliance, he would have been in complete financial ruin two years ago. If anyone in this company was proactive enough to delve into the records - and sneaky enough to prevent me from catching them at it - they would see who actually runs the Storm King's empire.
It's me, by the way. Just want to make that clear. Opaline Arcana, Alicorn of Fire, Queen of the Flame, the True Ruler of Rulers. And, presently Head Staff Manager of The Storm King's empire.
I began to laugh evilly, but moving my neck allowed a chill to find its way to my chest, and I instead pulled my jacket tighter around myself. Not for the first time, I found myself wishing that I'd kept my wings instead of my horn. I'd put up with being a garden-variety pegasus if it meant I could enjoy their immunity to the cold. Heurgh.
Theoretically I could muster my alicorn fire to heat up, but I'd found that when I did that, the slaves kept standing near me to leach off my body heat. And if there's one thing I won't stand for, it's making slaves happy. I'm not perverse.
Speaking of slaves, my eyes found a shivering donkey bearing a silver tray, upon which was a mug of some steaming beverage. I didn't know what it was, but the alluring heat overrode any misgivings I could have. "You," I snapped. "Give me that." His trembling hooves were a little too slow, so I grabbed it with my magic, and helpfully hurled him back into the kitchen.
I didn't recognize the frothy brown drink, but the malty aroma was so inviting that I'd tipped the mug to my lips and downed it without even thinking about it. A wave of hot, salty-sweet flavor washed over my tongue, practically leaching the saliva out of my mouth, the heat steaming deep into my belly and scorching my innards. For a moment, I almost felt like myself again. Oh, by the Bells of Skyros, where had this ambrosia been all my life? My cup was empty before I even had the chance to breathe again, but I held my eyes closed. If this was heaven, I wanted to stay.
"Hey, horsie."
Then again, being cast out of heavens is something of a pattern with me.
"Don't think I've seen you around before."
Yes, because I usually arrange things so that I don't have to meet you. I kept my eyes closed, but I didn't need them, as the horrendous smell alone was enough to know which wretched abomination this was. Glabrus, no last name. Piscean male, age 34 moons. His department was Security, but really he was just a thug. I waited for him to leave.
"Are you ponies always purple, or do you come in other colors too?"
I opened my eyes and glared at him. "The full rainbow."
The sight that met me was barely much more pleasant than the smell. Pisceans are cold-blooded and immune to the freezing temperatures, which is probably why they're able to so easily find work up here. Something to do with natural antifreezing agents in the blood. Thus, not only could they wander the icy wastes without discomfort, they didn't even have to wrap up warmly like the rest of us.
All this meant that the fish-man had no shame in presenting his fattened, slimy belly to all. A shiver turned into a stomach spasm and I nearly brought my hot drink back up again. At least he was wearing pants.
The fish-thing was too brainless to feel anything like shame, and thus deigned to continue tormenting me. "Sooooooo... are you purple all over?" he asked, his eyes roaming over my padded jacket.
I tilted an ear to the ceiling, pondering how damaging it might be to my plans to turn this fool into a smoking stain on the carpet. "Is there a point to these questions?" I snapped.
He spread his finned arms defensively. "Hey, I'm just trying to get to know everyone, you know? Sheesh, you ponies sure do have quick tempers, don't you?"
Ah, so he already tried it on with Tempest. That explains the huge bruise on his chest.
"I figured, since you're so far away from home... you might like to, you know, have a friend up here. Someone you can cozy up to, know what I'm saying?"
I didn't follow his logic, but I gathered he was flirting with me. "I'll tell you what you can do," I told him. "That brown drink. Go fetch me some."
"Sure thing, horsie!" he said, waddling off to the kitchen. I strode as quickly as I could over to the snack tables and tried to integrate myself into the gaggle surrounding the Storm King.
The horned ape was doing his friendly boss thing, gesticulating and pontificating while everyone around him pretended to be interested and to laugh at his jokes.
With one notable exception. The mare standing at his side, almost statuesque. The other purple pony in the room, and the only pony this far north besides myself. The Storm King's most faithful lieutenant, Tempest Shadow.
Not her real name, I would add, although if I was called Twizzlefist Berryplop I'd be changing mine too. She noted my approach and shot me a glare, which is how she welcomes people.
"Ah, Olive!" the Storm King rattled as he noticed my arrival, a dangerous glint in his eyes. "Finally decided to come over, did you? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were avoiding me."
"Not at all, sir," I replied promptly. "Just taking the opportunity to mingle, see if there are any problems I need to sort out."
"Oh, I've got problems," he said, suddenly lurching forward and jabbing me in the chest with an angry, bulging forefinger. I found myself having to back away to get some space, my hindlegs stumbling awkwardly as he forced me into a defensive crouch. "Why haven't there been any new infantry hires for the last three months?"
The underlings stared at my plight with morbid curiosity and relief that attention wasn't on them. Tempest gazed at me dispassionately, so no change there. "We already have more infantry than we need, sir," I told him. "In fact I was preparing to disband units seven through ten and transfer them to -"
"You'll do no such thing!" the Storm King said, grabbing me by the jacket collar and lifting my entire weight off the floor. My hooves scrabbled at the air as I reflexively tried to flap my absent wings. "I want another ten infantry units trained and ready for active duty in three weeks."
"Sir, we can't afford -" I began, but I bit my tongue as he glowered at me, moving his face unpleasantly close to me.
"Olive, dear, don't make me regret hiring you. You're good at what you do. I'd hate to have to replace you," he hissed. I tried to avoid breathing in any of his breath. He let go, dropping me on my hindquarters.
I quelled my alicorn fire as he walked away, my inner flames threatening to erupt and take the entire building with it. An armor-clad hoof extended to me as I sat there brooding.
"You handled that well," said Tempest.
I slapped the hoof away with an impotent clang. "Shut up." Of course Tempest was loving this. That cracked-horned prune hated me. Thought I was untrustworthy. The nerve of that traitor to distrust me!
I stood up and shook my mane back into place. "Ten more units? Why does he need so much infantry?"
"Don't ask," said Tempest. "Just do."
I glared at her. "Unlike you, my job does actually require some degree of brainpower. If I know what he's planning, I can organize more effectively."
"That's your problem," Tempest shrugged infuriatingly, walking away.
"It's Equestria, isn't it?"
The armored mare froze. There it is. Sneakiness is not Tempest's best quality. She turned back to me, knowing that there was no point in denying it. "You don't have a problem with that, do you?"
"Not if you don't," I told her. "Believe me, I have just as little love for our homeland as you do."
"Well, there's the problem," Tempest said with a glare. "I don't believe you. You may be able to bluff him, Olive, but not me. I know you're up to something."
"I'd love to know what it is," I replied sullenly.
"Just remember. I've got my eye on you," she said, fixing me with a stare from the ugly side of her face. "Trot carefully. If I get even a hint of trouble from you... well, it's not going to be pretty, let's put it that way."
She walked away again, leaving me to watch her clomp back to her master. I breathed out the air I'd been holding in, which curled into glittering vapor.
What a fool of a mare. She had absolutely no idea she was being played by that brute. He had her dangling on the promise of a new horn that I knew she'd never get to see. What grated at me the most was that the Storm King had no idea how lucky he was, to find a minion so perfect as her. A pony who, on the one hoof, was the greatest military commander this side of the planet. And on the other, stupid enough to have lost the only thing that made her special. What a beautiful, precious fool.
I could have been kind. I could have revealed to her the cruel agony of her situation, that she'd sold her soul for a brazen lie. But, I needed her where she was right now. Also, I don't do kindness.
Equestria. It was finally happening. I'd been carefully nudging the Storm King toward it for the past year - finding opportunities closer and closer to the border, diverting resources toward the south, even deliberately collapsing a few unfavorable business deals. Rumors had spread about the abundant-yet-strangely-undefended horse princessdom that was ripe with potential, and finally they must have reached the head moron himself. He was preparing for an invasion in the new year.
All I had to do was sit back and wait for Equestria to fall, then cut off the head of the Storm King's empire - by which I mean the Storm King's actual head - and take it all for myself! The enslaved Equestria would quickly recognize me as their savior and true ruler, and I would become the most powerful pony in history, beloved and feared by all.
It was, I had to admit, not the most glamorous scheme, but the idea of destroying Equestria with capitalism felt so insidiously evil that I couldn't help but be excited by it.
There wasn't much time. I had no doubts about Tempest's ability to get the job done, but it wouldn't hurt to give her an edge, particularly as she'd be going up against three alicorns. Fortunately for her, I know more about alicorns than anypony in the realm.
I decided that nobody would miss me if I left the party early, and so I quietly slipped out the back, eager to get back home so I could start planning. And also finally stop freezing my tail off.
"Hey horsie, where you going?"
I gritted my teeth as I heard the sound of webbed flippers slapping on the slush behind me. "Home."
"Don't you want your malted milk?"
Ah, so that's what it was called. I guess the fool was good for something after all. I turned to find him holding a mug of the steaming beverage in his grubby claws.
"See, I'm not such a bad guy, am I?" he said. "Glabrus always gives you what you want." He set the mug down on top of a dumpster. "Now how about you start treating Glabrus with the respect he deserves, huh?"
Oh dear, oh dear. Over the line.. I huffed out a breath, and began to remove my clothes.
"Oh, wow, you really are purple all over," he astutely observed. "You know, for a horse, you're actually really hot."
My eyes lit up with a violet fire as the snow puddled into water around my legs. "Why, yes," I said with a satisfied grin, as my coat burst into intense pink flames, and the air started to fill with the scent of fried mackerel. "Yes, I am."