Babs inspected the crystal ball in front of her from every angle possible.
“Okay, maybe it’s just me, but nothin’ about this screams alien t’ me.”
As far as she could tell, this looked like any prop a fortune teller might have.
Frankly, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom thought Babs would have no further questions after they turned the device on, proving that it worked. She initially seemed pretty blown away by the holographic screen of disconcerting titles partnered with equally ominous images projected by the orb as far as they could tell.
“So, where did yuh get this again?”, she asked.
That got Scootaloo to raise an eyebrow, “We told you already. Sweetie’s big sister gave us this just to get us out of her mane for a bit.”
“Well duh!”, Babs exclaimed with a furrowed brow as she raised both forehooves in the air. “I meant how’d she get her hooves on this thing?”
“Prolly Twilight. Sweetie learned allll about the human world from her.”, Apple Bloom answered. “Plus, there’s nopony else ah can think of who can rig up some alien tech.”
“Okay, you’re tellin’ me that you and ya sistas have borrowed a piece of alien tech from a different universe and are now filled in on secrets that only the ruler of Equestria is supposed t’ know!?”
“Yup.”
“And she’s just… okay with this?”
The farm filly shrugged, “Ah mean, can’t imagine we’d have it right now if Twilight ain’t okay with lendin’ it out in the first place.”
Babs stole another glance at the orb; her sister wasn’t kidding when she said having friends in high places can get you anything you want.
“And you been using this just t’ look for spooky stories?”, she asked with a cocked eyebrow.
Scootaloo groaned, “Yes! Now are you gonna watch some with us or do we have to answer even more questions for you?”
“I mean, not like I’m goin’ anywhere tonight.”, she replied whilst eyeing the ongoing storm through the window.
“All ah needed ta hear!”, Apple Bloom said as she began climbing onto her bed, carrying the orb with her.
Once the other two got settled, AB got her cousin to point one hoof at the screen and cover her eyes for the selection process without any protest. Once they were done, Babs uncovered her eyes to read the title she landed on.
“Who Is The Grinning… Man?”
“Man is what these humans call their stallions.”, Scootaloo explained succinctly before quickly adding, “Woman is their mares.”
“‘Kay, appreciate that. But what makes a guy who stands there and smiles at yuh such a big deal?”, Babs wondered before postulating something else. “Think he might be this world’s Pinkie Pie?”
Apple Bloom shook her head, “Naw. Accordin’ ta Sweetie, Twilight already met the human world’s Pinkie.”
The smirk disappeared from Babs’ face; she was only kidding when she said that! Her cousin must have been pulling her leg too, right?
“Could be that universe’s Cheese Sandwitch, though.”, Scootaloo facetiously suggested.
“Then let’s hope this one ain’t turned into a total sad sack like ours has lately.”, Apple Bloom privately thought to herself.
The CMC all thought Cheese Sandwitch moving in with Pinkie at Sugarcube Corner would be fun. And it was for the most part, but every time Pinkie was out of town for too long like she currently was, Cheesy would get all mopey.
Once it was time for the story to finally begin, the girls were greeted by the sight of a man looking at the camera; no discernible features could be found on his face, almost like they had been blurred or wiped clean off.
Alien? Humanoid Cryptid? Man in Black? Figment of the imagination? Or all of the above?
That was already two terms that Babs didn’t know.
Despite being known by many names, the narrator considered The Grinning Man to be the only title necessary for this being known to terrorize people during the dead of night as he pondered its identity for the audience.
“Ya sure Mr. No-Face wouldn’t work better?”, Apple Bloom suggested.
Babs would’ve said the same thing if she didn’t have a different question on her mind.
“So, care t’ fill me in on what a Man in Black and cryptid is?”
Scootaloo spoke up, “Well, we’re pretty sure cryptid is just supposed to be another word for monster. But Men in Black… that’s gonna take some explaining.”
Thankfully the intro bought enough time to do exactly that, though Babs only paid half attention to the explanation as she felt herself become more and more drawn in by the title sequence and all the bizarre imagery it had to offer; it certainly set the tone. Once it was over, the story cut to a setting that reminded her a lot of Manehattan Park where two children in the foreground played while everyone else in the distance went about their business.
The narrator invited the audience to bring themselves back to the mindset of their childhood, waxing poetic about its boundless adventure and possibilities.
“I never get why grownups act like we have it sooo good.”, said Scootaloo, to which Babs agreed.
“Oh but Scoots, yuh just don’t realize how hard it is havin’ the final say on everything.”, she responded in a mock imitation of a shrill, know-it-all tone.
With the boost in workload and shrinking of free time she’s had for the past few months, Apple Bloom found herself the only one in the room who kind of understood where the narrator was coming from.
There are two things children everywhere fear near universally. One was the dark, the other was some kind of bogeyman. Whether that bogeyman be the town’s local recluse, an unseen entity hidden in the trees or an unsightly creature that came out at night to feast on children. Every place had a story of a monster designed to frighten the young.
“So, is the Grinning Man hidin’ in there?”, Babs wondered in regards to the cabin in the woods onscreen.
Scootaloo scoffed.
“Only foals are still scared of the dark.”, she thought to herself with a (undeserved) proud smirk.
“Hmm. Ah guess that’d make the headless horse Ponyville’s bogeyman.”
Babs chuckled, “Your legends out here in the sticks are just so corny, I can’t take it.”
Apple Bloom puffed her cheeks, “Oh yeah? Name me a scarier story y’all got from Manehattan then.”
“Legend has it a buncha people flushed their pet baby gators down the toilet once Manehattan police started crackin’ down on ownin’ exotic pets years ago. Now there’s a massive horde of ‘em livin’ in the sewa’s. If you’re scared of a headless spook, you’d totally piss yourselves if I told yuh just how big they get down there.”
Babs then heard her cousin snickering and saw her covering her muzzle to hold back her laughter while her friend spoke in a mocking tone.
“Oh no, not alligators! The Timberwolves in the woods and the Hydra down in the bog are one thing. But gators? Oh!”
Babs sulked as Scootaloo proceeded to give her best impression of Rarity’s fainting.
“Forgot this town sits right next t’ the Everfree.”
No matter what monster it was, the parents would assure their children that they weren’t real. After hearing it enough times as they grew up, this would inevitably become accepted as truth. Yet, sometimes one couldn’t help but wonder how they could be so sure of that, what with how many people every year report encounters with horrific creatures. Scootaloo’s ears flattened, that more or less described the cycle her thoughts had been stuck in for the past week.
Meanwhile, the story had come back to the image of the faceless man. While aliens, wendigo, men in black and mothman among others were not beings anyone with common sense would wish to come across, one of the most frightening entities to bump into on a cold, dark evening was undoubtedly “The Grinning Man”. This being is infamous for plenty of reasons, not least of which is his propensity for entering people’s homes in the dead of night and watching them as they slept.
Picturing that in their minds brought shivers through the fillies’ spines as well as some very needed questions that none of them voiced. The man was said to be seven-feet-tall with broad shoulders and a muscular physique which were clad in a tight-fitting, reflective one-piece suit. Though, what left the biggest impression to witnesses was his face. As the narrator described a face devoid entirely of hair with a shallow nose, beady eyes that were set unnaturally far apart and an impossibly wide grin, these features slowly materialized on the man’s face where blankness had been initially.
“Nnnope!”, Apple Bloom simply exclaimed.
Babs chuckled nervously in a failed attempt to come across as unfazed.
Scootaloo’s felt her blood run cold as she took in the uncanny stare and off-putting grin, “You’d think being used to Derpy’s crooked eyes and Pinkie’s smile would prepare me for this guy, but something about his face just looks so wrong.”
The grin was what obviously left the biggest impression, both with the girls and with eyewitnesses, for the sheer menace it exuded. The way his mouth smiled but his eyes didn’t was enough to make witnesses feel as though they were staring death in the face.
“You can say that again.”, Babs said under her breath.
“Ah think he just perfectly summed up what’s wrong with that face of his.”
Thankfully, they were given some respite from his visage, the story switching to an illustration of two boys, designated as Martin Munov and James Yanchitis by the narrator, walking through some sort of tunnel underneath the “New Jersey Turnpike” on their way home from a “movie theater”. Given how late it was, the poor illumination and the sounds of traffic coming from the roads above made for an uneasy atmosphere. It didn’t help that earlier that evening they heard about a woman being chased by a huge man wearing a green suit.
Scootaloo quirked an eyebrow, “How come we’re not hearing her story first?”
In spite of this, the boys didn’t let their nerves disrupt their chat as they casually strolled alongside the high chain-link fence. Just as they were about exit out of the other side of the turnpike, James noticed someone standing in the bushes on the opposite side of the fence. Martin turned to look behind him and that’s when both of them noticed the man and his tall, well-built figure that could make Bulk Biceps jealous.
“Heh. I may have seen some dudes who look kinda like that wanderin’ the streets. They definitely don’t hit the gym quite as hard as this guy does though.”, Babs joked.
The man was wearing a green reflective suit and his attention seemed entirely fixed on a house off in the distance.
“I dunno how you can tell what direction this weirdo is looking.”, said Scootaloo.
Apple Bloom privately wondered what it was about that house that caught the Grinning Man’s attention.
After a few seconds of not noticing the two boys staring at him, the man then turned to face them. Once they laid eyes on his uncanny face, the boys panicked and ran far away from what they described as “the weirdest looking guy” they ever saw.
“Why does this remind me of those really lame stranga danga plays the school makes us sit through?”
Babs couldn’t stop herself from cracking a smile after saying that. The mental image of her schooler recreating this scene with her fellow crusader and friend Rocky Road playing this weirdo did make it a little less scary.
Shortly after this incident, famous author and ufologist John Keel showed up to investigate a UFO which was spotted 40 miles away. Once he heard of the boys’ story, he met with and interviewed them separately. They both gave the same description of the strange man and pointed at the same spot when asked where they saw him. With the aforementioned UFO sighting taking place on the same night connections were inevitably drawn between these incidents, which gave Babs a moment of pause.
“Wait, so if he’s obviously an alien then what wuz with all that buildup in the beginning? I thought the whole question about what he is was supposed t’ be this big mystery?”
Apple Bloom shrugged, “Narrator just has a thing for those sorta rhetorical spiels. Does ‘em all the time.”
As much as Babs wanted to keep questioning what the point of the rest of this was now they’re giving away the answer to the big question so early, Scootaloo first had to give her two cents in regards the second eyewitness account which occurred 500 miles westward of the first one in-
“In West Virginia!? How many other monsters do they get there?”
“Makes ya wonder if West Virginia is just this world’s version of the Everfree.”
Babs looked back and forth between her cousin and her friend, feeling totally out of the loop.
“So, got time t’ fill me in or-?”
“Shh, I’m trying to listen here!”, Scootaloo whispered.
Babs then turned to her cousin only to find her also engrossed in the story onscreen. She then sighed and decided to let that question go for now in favor of listening to the story of sewing machine salesman, Woodrow Derenberger. On a nighttime drive along Interstate 77, him and his car(t) were stopped right in their tracks when a spaceship descended from the sky and landed on the road in front of him. The weirdest part about this for Babs was how that scenario was represented on the orb’s projection by a big box on tiny wheels approaching what looked like a supersized version of her mom’s favorite vase.
Stepping out of the strange craft and approaching Derenberger’s vehicle was a man who near perfectly matched the description of the stranger spotted in New Jersey; the only difference was the one-piece reflective suit he wore was blue instead of green. The uncanny Grinning Man was shown standing outside the car, leaning in close to Woodrow through the window in a manner that was probably meant to be friendly but came across as intimidating. To the surprise of the salesman and the fillies watching, the man who identified himself as Indrid Cold, communicated telepathically without using his mouth. The first thing he asked Derenberger was about the “strange glow” on the horizon, not realizing it was the lights of a distant town.
“Wha-?”, Babs balked. “So, this guy who knows how t’ fly super advanced spaceships somehow wouldn’t be able t’ tell Manehattan is a city until he lands right in the middle of it? How in Tartarus does that add up?”
Scootaloo scrunched her nose in thought, “Why do I remember one of us saying something just like that?”
Apple Bloom pawed at her mane in thought, “Wait, ah think this Indrid Cold fella showed up in a different story we watched, didn’t he?”
Scootaloo’s eyes shot wide open and turned to Babs, “Oh yeah! They mentioned this same incident in the Mothman story and Sweetie Belle made the same point you just did, Babs.”
Apple Bloom chuckled, “Hoo boy, Sweetie would probably get a real kick outta that if she were with us right now.”
Babs noticed her cousin’s ears flop down and then caught a glimpse of Scootaloo’s smile faltering for a moment as she sighed.
“Yeah, that sure would be something.”
“Is it me or did the mood suddenly get all down in the dumps?”
Once he was finished asking about the people and surrounding areas, Cold thanked the salesman and ominously promised to visit him again before finally returning to his craft and departing.
Apple Bloom grimaced, “That… don’t sound so good.”
“Rocky once showed me a comic where an alien in disguise says the same thing t’ somepony, then abducts ‘em days latuh t’ replace their eyeballs with mind control parasites.”, said Babs.
Given that Derenberger’s encounter occurred two weeks before the Mothman phenomenon in Point Pleasant began, suggestions of a link between these two otherworldly beings persist to this day. The existence of a reported sighting of the Grinning Man on the outskirts of Point Pleasant during the height of that phenomenon only fueled speculation further.
Babs looked back and forth between her cousin and her friend, “Okay, can yuh do me a favuh and tell me what’s so special about this Mothman guy?”
“Ah mean, if it really is that important ta the whole mystery, the narrator will probably tell ya himself later on.”, AB answered. “If ya really wanna know, we could put on the story they did on Mothman after this is over.”
Scootaloo turned to face both of them, “Do we really have to? Honestly, it’s like that thing always finds a way to rear its head during any story we watch. Like it won’t leave us alone.”
That prompted a head tilt from her friend.
“What do ya mean? Ah don’t remember him comin’ up durin’ any other story till now.”
“Forget about it.”
The only one who felt more left in the dark than Apple Bloom right now was her cousin, who quietly watched their exchange with growing frustration. While the feeling of missing out on stuff was something Babs was accustomed before she came out of her shell, since then she’d come to hate the thought of getting used to that again.
Even though Babs was simmering over this, the Lilly family had a much bigger problem on their hands. While the rest of Point Pleasant was in a panic over Mothman, this family was dealing with sudden poltergeist activity in their home. Objects were either rearranged or thrown from shelves all on their own; these invisible also slammed doors. If that weren’t bad enough, they also saw strange lights in the sky over their house. Whether it was day or night, this activity rarely ceased and the family got very little respite during this extremely tumultuous time.
Scootaloo felt a tingle run through her back, “Don’t tell me we’re somehow getting ghosts in this story too!”
“Ah guess they didn’t have anypony else’s place ta stay if they couldn’t just leave.”
Linda, the youngest daughter, would experience the worst of it when after being awoken by an odd clicking sound she was greeted by a terrifying figure. As the illustration showed, she cowered under her covers at the sight of the Grinning Man standing at the foot of her bed, shrouded in darkness and staring at her with his trademark grin. She claimed that when she finally worked up the courage to peak her head back out to look again, he was gone.
“Sounds like this could be one of those prowluhs mom and pop told me t’ look out for.”, Babs reasoned, despite how much this creeped her out.
For weeks after that, Linda was too scared to sleep in her own room and only felt safe enough to go back after the poltergeist activity had stopped. From that point on, the Lilly family didn’t experience any paranormal activity ever again.
Scootaloo took this detail, in conjunction with everything else the narrator said so far, as a sign that disaster didn’t follow the Grinning Man the same way it did with Mothman, regardless of their possible connection. Then again, if she really has been seeing the Mothman lately, wouldn’t that mean she’ll get a visit from the Grinning Man too?
“Oh Celestia, he’s going to show up in my nightmares now! I just know it!”
Next, a town in Massachusetts would have a number of reports about a man matching the description of Indrid Cold creeping through their neighborhoods from late 1966 to early 1967. While there are clippings from old local newspaper which supposedly give more details about these incidents, unfortunately they weren’t available online or to the wider public.
Babs’ eyebrow quirked when the narrator explained not all sightings of the Grinning Man occurred in the U.S.
“So that’s where this wuz? What’s the U.S. stand for?”
Scootaloo finally snapped back to the present, “Wha-? Oh, I don’t remember. You can just call it America.”
On the outskirts of the small Scottish village of Dunkeld, Mary McRae and her husband Alan lived in a relative privacy that was interrupted on one strange night. Much like Linda, Mary was awoken in the early hours of the morning by an indistinct clicking noise. When she opened her eyes, Mary claimed she found herself lying on her front, completely paralyzed and struggling to breathe. Two of the fillies watching grew shocked and perplexed as they heard the narrator detail how Mary’s experience resembled “Sleep Paralysis”, which wasn’t yet recognized as a disorder at the time.
“S-sleep paralysis?”, Scootaloo stuttered.
“That’s an actual thing?”, Babs asked.
“Yup. Zecora told me about it once. Even showed me this pendant she uses ta keep it from happenin’ ta her.”
AB grew a cheeky smirk when her friend asked, “What causes it?”
“Nopony knows, some say it can happen ta anypony without warnin’.”
Babs scoffed, “I call muleshit on that.”
“Ask Zecora, she’ll tell y’all the same thing.”
Having never experienced anything like this before, Mary began to feel increasingly panicked yet was unable to do anything as the clicking rose to a piercing volume. That was when she realized the curtains were open even though she distinctly remembered closing them just like she did every night. During all this, she felt as though she were being watched. She didn’t figure out the source of that until she saw a slight movement out of the corner of her eye.
In the bottom left pane of Mary’s bedroom window, the Grinning Man was seen staring directly at her. Even though the sight of him horrified her, she couldn’t bring herself to look away as though her gaze was putting her in a hypnotic trance. She still had no control of her motor functions, even as she felt her whole body float out of the bed slowly draw closer to the face in the window. She wasn’t even able to let out a scream, no sound exiting her mouth whenever she tried.
“Well there’s first time we heard ‘em do anything besides just stand there… menacingly.”, Babs pointed out.
Mary then blacked out and awoke the next morning with a terrible headache that lasted a week afterwards, with no idea what happened between her passing out and waking up; assuming any of that actually happened in the first place. Though, finding the curtains still open the following morning would make her doubt that she had merely experienced sleep paralysis, possibly even up to her death decades later at the age of 94.
While the narrator began the closing segment, Apple Bloom had been pondering her cousin’s observation for a moment. She couldn’t help but wonder if they were all too quick to judge him. With the possible exception of Mary, he hadn’t actually hurt anyone as far as she could tell.
“Ya think he might just be misunderstood?”, she asked the other girls.
“What misunderstanding is there in breakin’ in t’ somepony’s house?”, Babs questioned.
“And abducting a lady from her home?”, Scootaloo added.
AB turned to the latter and said, “They didn’t actually say that he abducted Mary.”
“Sounded like they implied it t’ me.”, her cousin countered
“Look all ah am sayin’ is this fella sounds like an alien who don’t understand the planet or the ones livin’ on it. It’s possible he don’t realize that the way acts seems threatenin’ ta creatures like us.”
She didn’t give the others a moment to consider or respond to her suggestion before adding, “It ain’t like we haven’t seen ponies mistake an outcast for a menace before, right? It was kinda like that when we met, Troubleshoes.”
“Who?”, Babs asked.
“Long story.”, Scootaloo quickly answered. “And I think you might be speaking too soon, Bloom.”
Indeed, the narrator unknowingly served to undercut the farm filly as he talked about how those who have claimed to be abducted by aliens have reported either seeing a grinning man during their experience or mentioned hearing the name Indrid Cold. The clicking noises that Linda Lilly and Mary McRae heard during their encounters are also commonly reported in other alien abduction cases.
Apple Bloom’s expression turned sheepish, “Okay, that does sound bad. But at least they ain’t hurt.”
She winced under both girls’ deadpan gazes, “Well, ah mean, they were still in one piece and were able ta tell the tale.”
“You could say the same thing about the Mad Gasser.”, Scootaloo countered. “Again, long story.”
Babs’ question died in her throat right then and there.
One particularly bizarre encounter was reported in Italy during December of 1979 by a man named Pier Zanfretta, who allegedly had a history of being abducted by a race of reptilian aliens.
“Actually abducted or just him sayin’ he’s been abducted?”, Babs noted.
Zanfretta claimed he was contacted by a grinning man named Indrid Cold shortly before he was taken aboard a UFO. The salesman from earlier in the story, Woodrow Derenberger, would also go on to state that he would get many more visits from Cold throughout the late 60’s to early 70’s, as well as two other grinning men named Demo Hassan and Karl Ardo. Even his wife backed up his testimony, claiming she also met these beings and saying she believed they had evil intentions. Sadly, she and Derenberger separated shortly after these encounters.
“Wow, this guy can’t catch a break.”, said Scootaloo.
“How could she leave him like that for somethin’ that ain’t his fault? You’re supposed ta stick by each other durin’ times like this!”, stated Apple Bloom.
“Probably was too scared of gettin’ wrapped in whatever these aliens got planned t’ keep stickin’ around.”, Babs reasoned. “Everypony has their limit.”
The biggest elephant in the room when it comes to the Grinning Man was his connection to the Mothman. Many speculate that the Mothman is also extraterrestrial in nature. However, some even go as far as to say that both these beings as well as MIBs are all part of the same race of shapeshifting aliens.
Babs did a double take due to how out of nowhere that theory was, while Scootaloo panicked internally about the idea of the monster in her dreams being able to disguise itself as anyone.
“Ya know, those Men in Black did act pretty weird, but I remember them having a different vibe than Indrid Cold.”, Apple Bloom observed with her head cocked to the side.
“I dunno, shapeshifting would explain why they haven’t been caught.”, Scootaloo suggested.
“But why are they so bad at disguises? Ah’m pretty sure if we asked Ocellus ta grade their performance she’d give them an F for sure. Ya know what ah mean?”
Babs’ eyes shifted left and right, unsure why AB was looking at her like she was supposed to know Ocellus; well, beyond what she’d been told in letters, specifically.
“Uh… yeah, I guess.”
Though the narrator cautioned against taking this all at face value. He reminded the audience that at least the first three reported sightings were filtered through John Keel and may have been subject to some embellishment on his part. It was possible, even likely, that he made changes to these accounts with the aim of having something more bizarre and fantastical to sell to the public. It would therefore stand to reason that the eyewitness accounts since were copycats. Though the narrator did find it uncanny how similar all the descriptions were and how all the sightings occurred between Winter and Spring.
Babs grew perplexed, “Doesn’t that whole explanation of Keel bein’ a liar and the rest bein’ copycats cover that base too?”
“And why should we care if he only shows up in Winter and Spring?”
Actually, now that Scootaloo thought about it, that might be good news for her assuming him and Mothman are the same. More time to prepare.
Could it be that the Grinning Man, whomever he is, seem to prefer colder seasons? No pun intended, of course, on his alleged last name.
“Did he just try t’ make a funny?”
“Huh. Now, ain’t that a first?”
The narrator then decided to cap the story off with the one he was sure about. With more encounters being reported each passing year, it was clear that this phenomenon wasn’t going away anytime soon. He left the audience with one last piece of advice, whether walking down the street or sleeping in their bed they better hope to never come face to face with a tall, smiling man who calls himself Cold.
When Babs tore her eyes away from the fading image of Indrid Cold, she finally noticed the other two girls staring at her expectantly.
“Sooo, what’d ya think?”, her cousin questioned, one inch from her face.
As politely as she could, Babs pushed Apple Bloom’s muzzle away from hers for the sake of breathing room.
“It… definitely went places I wasn’t expectin’.”
Scootaloo shoved herself into view, “But was it scary?”
Babs paused to consider her response, “Well… I’d be lyin’ if I said that Grinning guy wasn’t creepy. Tough t’ even get a read on what his deal even is. His face would make for a great mask, though…”
Without warning, she suddenly broke into a giggle.
“What’s so funny?”, Scootaloo asked.
Babs couldn’t contain her grin like she did her laugh, “Sorry, I just imagined how those jerks in the filly scouts would react if they saw a guy like that. Oh Celestia, the looks on their faces would be priceless!”
Apple Bloom leaned in close to Scootaloo and whispered, “Her and the Manehattan filly scouts have a big grudgefest goin’ on with each other. Just don’t ask, we’ll be here all night.”
“Okay. Well, I call dibs on choosing the next one!”
Before they had the chance to move on, Babs had something else to get off her chest.
“Y’know, I’ve been meaning t’ ask, how’s Sweetie Belle doin’?”
Through clenched teeth, Apple Bloom made a sharp inhale as though Babs’ words struck her in the kneecaps.
Scootaloo stopped biting her lip for moment to say, “That’s a bit of a sore spot right now.”
Babs’ ears fell slightly, “What? Are you not friends with her anymore?”
“Nah, that ain’t it.”, Apple Bloom clarified. “How about ya scroll down the list for Scoots while ah catch ya up ta speed, alright?”