PB&J
By: Brotato
Stuck
"Good morning your Highness. What would you like to eat?"
That familiar phrase would always come from her faithful butler's lips whenever Celestia sat at their long dining table. The painted glass above gave just the right amount of sunlight to light the room, causing crystal glasses that dotted the table to cause splays of light to settle on the walls. It also reflected off the armor that the four guards in the room wore. They stood on either of the two doorways left and right of the two sisters, their blank, but stoic expressions betraying their constant vigil to deny unwelcome guests.
About 1095 times a year their royal staff would express slight concern for their appetite with offerings of just about anything they so desired. Pastries, breads, pastas, fruits and vegetables were offered before them. Even a large variety of drinks from fresh squeezed fruit juices, dairy products, fizzy drinks, and on the rare occasion, alcohol, were at their beck and call. Anything they wished they were granted, because so long as the princesses were happy, the staff remained as well.
It was normal for these ponies to have the honor of seeing the Princesses of Equestria every single day. Gem Polish was one of these servants, and also to Celestia's knowledge, the only pony she knew who was aware of her cake eating habits. He was her personal server whenever it came time to dine, and ever since rumors of her gouging on sweets had spread, she had to be more careful with what food she ate. The thought of the media bearing down upon her weakness like a group of hungry piranhas quickly kept her on this path.
"A spinach and romaine salad with carrots, cherry tomatoes, and light Italian dressing please." Celestia paused for a moment to think if it was adequate enough. Oh, how she wished she could have just the smallest piece of cake. Even if it was one of those cheap plastic-wrapped ones where you could get two for a single bit.
"And maybe a glass of grapefruit juice," Celestia added in her regal voice. She looking down at the servant with as much love and kindness she showed toward all her subjects. They would follow her orders to the 't' no matter what tone she used, but Celestia asked politely as if she was a normal paying customer at a restaurant. After all, what was the point in raising ones voice over something simple as food?
Another servant, this one a mare with a maid outfit, trotted up to Luna with a small smile on her face. "And what would you like to eat, Princess?" Her head bowed slightly low in respect.
"We would enjoy something-" Luna began in her royal voice.
"Luna..." Celestia warned.
Luna's jaw snapped shut and continued in a quieter tone. "We... I apologize dear sister," Luna said with a sheepish grin. She was getting much better on controlling her voice, but every now and then it would slip out. However, little could be said for the poor maid who's outfit and mane had turned disheveled and unkempt from being in close proximity of her voice.
The mare did her best to retain her previous appearance while Luna continued. "I would enjoy something simple and delicious, but also filling. I am quite peckish after last night's escapades with Twilight." A sly smile appeared on her lips. " To be honest, I did not think a pony could bend that way during-"
Clearly the maid didn't like where this was going when her ears bent back. She began to retreat slowly backwards. "Of course Princess, one Simple, delicious, and filling meal! R-right away, Princess!" she spun in place and bolted away before Luna could finish her speech. She watched the maid leave the room before switching her gaze to look at her sister for answers.
"I don't understand. What is wrong with explaining this fun game known as Twister?" Her face held an expression of mock ignorance and shock. Even Luna was starting to have fun flustering other ponies. "I swear you're starting to rub off on me, Tia," she muttered so her sister couldn't hear.
Celestia stifled a giggle upon seeing the mare gallop down the hallway toward the kitchens. She loved her sister, but sometimes she just wanted to hug her until she squeaked for making life that much more enjoyable. "Nothing to worry about sister," She responded. A small grin curled on her lip and she placed her elbows on the table, resting her head on her hooves. "But seriously, I'm curious how your sleepover with Twilight went."
"Splendidly!" Luna shouted with a half-way raised forehoof. "First, we partook in styling our glorious manes." Softly bouncing her mane as she spoke, but then scrunched her muzzle for what was said next. "Twilight's efforts were... commendable, but I don't think we look good in pink. Although Twilight looks absolutely adorable with a ponytail."
She thought for a moment to recollect all the fun she had, and putting a hoof to her chin. "Let's see... Then we made these delicious treats called s'mores. I was quite surprised how something so simple could be so delicious. Last, but not least, we told ghost... stories..." She trailed off.
Luna's frowned when she finally noticed their food had been served and Celestia had lost interest; already digging into her salad like it was the last one in Equestria. She would nod her head every once and awhile, chewing in-between nods even when Luna had stopped talking.
She knew Celestia always had a snack of cake in the morning before breakfast, and once caught her nibbling on some even as she left her bedroom. After the change in her routine, the cravings were most likely hurting her appetite, causing this... uncouth form of eating. However, such acts did not give reason to simply brush away her conversation. Over a salad no less!
"Then we kissed and made love that only two mares would ever know for the rest of the night." Luna spoke flatly, her brow furrowed in annoyance.
The very unprincess-like sputter that came from Celestia's mouth brought a sly smile to Luna.
Gotcha!
"You what?" Celestia boomed, her voice shuddering the entire room. One of the guards nearest to Celestia took the brunt of the shock-wave and looked like he was about to faint.
Luna waved a hoof dismissively. "Calm thyself, Tia. 'Tis a joke, nothing more. We love our dear friend Twilight, but not in that way." She pouted her lip a bit before continuing. "However, I'm quite disappointed in you for not letting me finish my recollection of thoughts over a salad, Tia. Please eat slower next time." Glad to see her sister calmed down and wasn't going to make a retort, she turned her attention at the meal the kitchen prepared for her.
Before her on a spotless china plate sat two pieces of bread as white as the plate it sat on. Globs of a tan-brown and dark-red could be seen sitting in-between the slices in the form of a sandwich.
"Pray tell... what is this creation?" She sniffed the strange sandwich and caught the hint of peanuts and strawberries.
"It's a Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich, or PB and J for short, your Highness." the maid that Luna had accidently yelled at had returned with her mane and outfit back to normal. "The bread is very soft and known simply as 'white bread'. Inside you will find fresh-made peanut butter and just-this-morning picked strawberries." The maid explained the simple sandwich like it was a complex dish served during a Gala or another important event of sorts.
Luna eyed the sandwich curiously. She had asked for it to be simple. That fit the criteria quite perfectly as it was only three ingredients. But was it delicious and filling? There was only one way to find out. Lifting the sandwich off the plate with a glow of her horn, she took a modest bite at the corner.
First, there was nothing since the bread was in the way of her pallet. The first several chews turned it all into an explosion of flavor as the sweetness of the strawberries mixed wonderfully with the smooth rich nutty taste of the peanut butter. Loving the flavor so much, she quickly enjoyed another bite, leaving a third of the sandwich devoured. A small moan of enjoyment left her throat as she continued to chew.
Everything seemed to be going perfectly with Luna's meal. Every bite was just as good as the first. That was until she finished off that last bite of the sandwich. Luna felt something large stuck at the roof of her mouth and it left an uncomfortable feeling to constantly swallow. She desperately used her tongue to budge the invading lump, but it was fruitless as it didn't move an inch. However, she noticed what it was when he tongue touched it.
The taste of peanut butter.
"Something wrong, Lulu?" A smirk spread on the sun goddesses face as she took another bite of her salad. She watched Luna make several faces as she desperately tried to dislodge the sticky lump of peanut butter in her mouth.
"I am quite..." she took a moment to jab at the lump again. "Fine, Tia. Although the sandwich has left me a bit... parched." Luna could see Celestia was enjoying the discomfort the harmless peanut butter was causing. Apparently she must've known this was coming and she couldn't let her sister enjoy such amusement. She had to figure this out on her own.
"Could I have a sip of your juice?" Celestia nodded and levitated the glass over to Luna's side. When it was within hoof reach, Luna grabbed it and chugged the entire thing down like Applejack in a cider drinking contest against selling her farm. The juice was very refreshing and mixed somewhat well with her meal, but to her horror, the lump was still there.
"Feel any better?" That same knowing smile on her face.
By the glory of Faust herself. If Celestia wasn't her sister, Luna swore she would've wiped that smirk off her face. "Yes, quite fine now," she lied. "Thank you for the drink, sister." Before another word could be said, she stood up and strode out the door. Just when she was out of sight from her sister, she bolted down the hallway towards the kitchen. She rubbed the roof of her mouth on reflex with her tongue yet again. The chef who created this sandwich was certainly going to be sent to Tartarus if they didn't fix this problem.
The double doors leading to the kitchen burst open as the form of a very annoyed night Princess stood in the doorway. "Who is responsible for the creation of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Reveal thyself!" Her voice held the authority only an alicorn could muster, forcing every chef to stop what they were doing to look at her in fear. Several objects could be heard dropping and possibly one of the chefs had fainted in the back.
After several seconds of mutters, a mare in a white chef uniform approached Luna. She had a pale-yellow coat with her mane tied in a bun and trapped in a hairnet. Her teal eyes were wide with fear as she sat down, shaking like a tree stuck in a gale storm.
"I-I made your s-sandwich your Highness. W-was there something wrong w-with your meal?" She could see it now. Her entire career flashed before her eyes. All those years in prance studying under the finest chefs. All those hours muzzle-deep in cook books. All ruined because of a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Maybe it was too much jelly? Or was it too much peanut butter? Maybe she should've used a different type of bread.
"Do not despair," Luna comforted. "The sandwich you created was delicious. However..." She looked at the other chefs and wrinkled her nose in distaste. The others couldn't find out. This was too embarrassing for anypony else to know. It would be best to tell one pony only and hope for the best.
This might be as bad as Celestia's love for cake. Just think, what would the tabloids say? Her mind wandered for a moment.
'Luna's greatest weakness: Peanut butter?'
'Peanut butter: Alicorn kryptonite?'
'Equestria at a stand still as peanuts reign supreme! What you should know about our new legume overlords.'
Okay that last one was a stretch, Luna thought; the overshadowing thought of humiliation quickly bringing her back to reality. She had to find out a solution and the chef that created this concoction had to be her only hope. Leaning down to whisper in the chef's ear, she told her problem.
"I require a way to get rid of this peanuts of butter from the roof of our mouth... Please," Luna stated. The chef's ears shot up as she realized her career wasn't in danger, and that the Princess required a solution to a problem. A problem she was very fond of, but took several moment for the gears in the chef's mind to switch from 'dying inside' to 'problem solver'.
"Oh... Oh! not a problem Princess. I know just the thing." She trotted away to the walk-in fridge and disappeared for several seconds. When she returned, she held in her mouth a large gallon of milk. She set it on the counter beside them and grabbed a nearby glass.
"I used to make PB and J's for lunch when I was little," the chef explained. "I came across the same problem and tried everything. Hot milk, but not too hot to become uncomfortable for the tongue, is the best way I know of."
With the deft movements only a trained earth pony chef could muster, she poured some of the milk into a pot and set the stove-top to low. She constantly stirred the contents so as to not scald the milk and ruin it. Luna decided to sit in the corner and watch the other chefs who had returned to their jobs, since they saw themselves in no trouble with the Princess. Her suspicions of somepony fainting were correct when she spotted a unicorn use magic to lift a earth pony's limp body away from the kitchen, so as to to not get trampled on by the staff.
After about a minute, the helping chef poured the now almost scalding milk in a small glass and nodded toward it for Luna to drink it. Using her magic once again, Luna lifted the glass and cautiously drank from it. Happy that the heated drink wasn't too hot for her tongue, she drank it down.
Almost immediately the lump in her throat disappeared, and her speech was much clearer now. Not to mention the feeling of warm milk was very comforting. Luna set the small glass back on the counter and wrapped her hooves around the chef in a tight hug.
"We thank thee! um..."
"Butter... Croissant..." the chef gasped under Luna's strangling hooves.
"We thank thee Butter Croissant!" She continued to hug the poor mare as she draped her across her shoulder. "You have done Equestria a great deed this day. If there is anything you require, just let us know."
"For starters," her voice becoming strained. "Could you please... stop hugging so tightly?"
Luna dropped the pony, making her fall on the linoleum floor with a thump, and brought her forehooves to her mouth with worry. "We apologize, we just got caught up and-" she explained quickly, but was cut short when Butter brought a hoof up.
"Not a problem," Butter reassured as she stood up. "And don't worry about anything I might need. All I require is your happiness. A happy Princess is a happy staff after all." Just as Butter said that, a wicked idea appeared in Luna's mind. Something so evil Celestia wont even see it coming.
"Don't worry Miss Croissant. I will require your assistance in due time." Butter raised an eyebrow, but said nothing and mingled with her co-workers to prepare the rest of the food. Luna parted as well back to the dining room, talking to herself before entering through the doorway.
"Start worrying Tia. Gem Polish isn't the only pony who knows of your eating habits."
Several weeks later
"Good morning your Highness. What would you like to eat?"
"Good morning to you too, Polish," Celestia responded, a little more enthusiastic than normal. This morning Luna had decided to visit Twilight and her friends to, as a certain rainbow pegasus put it, "hang out". This left Celestia alone to handle Equestria for just today, which she was very happy to do; almost to the point of pushing Luna out the door leading to the royal chariot.
Why she was so anxious for her departure, she could never admit it to her sister. Nor would she dare have Luna near the castle this day. After what happened several weeks ago, she couldn't let Luna get back at this small rivalry she had started.
"A peanut butter and jelly sandwich please," Celestia's mouth almost watered at what she was about to say next. "Grilled with slices of banana please."
"Of course," Polish simply stated before leaving.
Oh how she missed eating her favorite sandwich. Sure there were plenty of other delectable choices for her, but how could something so simple defy all other foods?
Besides cake of course, Celestia reminded herself with a light chuckle.
The wait didn't take long and the smell of peanuts came before Polish could be seen entering the room. He placed the sandwich in front of her, said a few words to enjoy herself, and moved out-of-sight.
Soon as Polish was gone, Celestia began to eat her snack. The sandwich didn't stand a chance and in five bites the entire thing was reduced to some crumbs and a small corner left over. Celestia was glad the guards nearby never spoke a word of her actions, nor showed distaste for her lack of willpower. Then again, if one blackmailed her, she could always send them to the moon.
Spacing somepony is an understandable punishment for blackmailing me... right?
Returning her attention to her sandwich, she enjoyed the last bite for as long as an immortal alicorn princess could take before swallowing. She thought twice about licking the plate as there were still some globs of peanut butter and jelly, but even she had boundaries. Sated for today's breakfast, she got Polish's attention once more.
"It was most delicious, as always." A small smile spread on her face, careful not to show her teeth. She could still feel the lumps of thick peanut butter stuck in her mouth and she knew just the way to get rid of it. "I'll take my follow-up glass of warm milk."
Polish stiffened upon hearing that. "I-I'm sorry, Princess, but the milk stores are empty as of yesterday. Somepony claimed that they were all spoiled and had to be thrown out."
Celestia's eyes grew wide and her pupils shrunk in utter shock. Who in their right mind would throw away thirty, that's 'thirty with a three and a zero', gallons of milk? The same milk that was stocked weekly, fresh from the cow city of Denmilk to the southwest?
She had to find out for herself. This had to be a joke, and she definitely wasn't laughing. She couldn't walk around the castle like this. The slight change in her voice like she had something stuck in her throat she could deal with, but the constant feel of something at the roof of her mouth was driving her crazy.
With haste, but not fast enough to cause alarm, she trotted toward the kitchens to investigate further. Bursting through the doorway, the chefs all jumped when the double doors slammed against the walls when they were flung aside. Far in the back, a earth pony fainted for the second time this month.
"Not again," a chef grumbled in the back as well. He hefted up the same fainting earth pony that had previously done so when Luna had burst in. "Since when is heavy lifting and being 'pony medic of the day' part of my job description?"
Celestia ignored the distress from the chefs and opened the walk-in fridge's large metal door. Walking inside she spotted the large shelf where all dairy products should've been stocked. She read off the labels while frantically searching for something as simple as whole milk, skim milk, or any variation with at least the word 'milk' in it.
To her horror, there wasn't a single drop available. There was milk whey still ready to be used, but the thought of drinking that brought a disgusted shudder up her spine. Feeling defeated she was about to leave when a carton was spotted in the back, hiding partially in a dark corner. Using her magic, a grin spread on her face when she noticed the label read 'whole milk'.
Ah, looks like they forgot... what's this?
The carton was too light to have anything inside it. Instead, after turning it over to have the other side facing her, was a piece of paper taped to it with some writing on it.
Dearest Tia,
Revenge is best served stuck to the roof of your mouth.
Love,
-Luna
Celestia's face turned bright pink as a building pressure formed in her mouth. "Luna!!!" Celestia shouted. Birds resting across the castle suddenly took to the air upon hearing the alicorn's shout. It spread so far that even several ponies in front of the castle had stopped, their ears swiveling in curiosity for who caused such a loud shout.
Meanwhile in Canterlot's market, the morning store managers would soon notice the large surplus of diary products stocked in each of their stores. Unaware of where it actually came from, nor that a certain princess of the night was responsible.