Faye awoke to a sensation of gentle wind, that slowly vanished with the vestiges of sleep.
Her dreams had been awkward, an all-too-familiar memory of the days before the avalanche, when Corsica and the original Ansel had been dating and she tagged along even though she wasn't welcome. Those memories of Corsica - rude, invincible and self-assured, possessed of a boundless confidence that she could create her own place in the world and knew who she was - clashed against the Corsica she saw now, blankets kicked off, upside-down and leaning against the wall, sound asleep in a royal guest suite in the Crystal Empire.
Faye's bare hooves touched the floor, and she realized what that sensation had been: the castle's magic, concentrated somewhere far below. The same magic she, in a fit of panic, had tried to seize yesterday.
It didn't feel bothered by her presence. In fact, it didn't seem to think much of anything at all. It was just power, just emotion with no will behind it, waiting to be used by someone bolder than her.
For a moment, she felt dizzy as the memories of just how badly she had messed up washed over her. It was a miracle she was waking up like this, instead of in prison or worse. Seigetsu had to have serious clout around here to bail her out, and serious reasons for putting that clout on the line to do so as well. Even if the terms of Faye's release essentially amounted to indentured servitude, with part of her soul posted as collateral and with the goal of spying on and betraying someone Halcyon had wanted to befriend...
It still felt too good to be true.
And then Halcyon's absence hit her like a hug from a windigo.
The door to the common room seemed to grow and twist in her vision, its frame taking on a menacing angle as it loomed over her. She flung open the door to the closet, but it was empty: nothing that could hide her hooves, or her special talent, or her body, or her identity as the catalyst for a war that destroyed and enslaved her people. Her bracelet hung heavy around her leg like an indictment from a court, on display for all the world to see.
Heart pounding, she hid inside the closet, pressing herself against a wall, out of sight from anywhere in the bedroom. Her teeth ground together, her lungs heaved, her eyes squeezed themselves closed...
But she had chosen this.
Given the option, she had taken her bracelet over her mask. And she could switch back at any time. All she needed was to find Seigetsu, who would certainly be close by. She... was exposed, but she had ventured out from cover under her own volition.
She was in control.
Slowly, Faye's breaths grew steady and less violent. It hadn't used to be like this, had it? From her earliest days, she remembered the nightmares, the confusion, not being able to understand the difference between dream and reality, past and present. The days after she started calling herself Halcyon were the most normal she had ever felt, taking over someone else's identity and sliding into it like a brand new pair of boots.
Then had come the day she realized she wasn't actually Halcyon. It had all been one big epiphany, born of her muddled self-examination in the days and weeks after putting together how her dreams worked, once and for all. That day had given her a choice, and she chose to live out the charade, not all out of fear but because she wanted to be something more than what she was. She wanted an identity, and taking it from others was all she had ever known.
Was she rejecting who she had been before, or had she not been anyone at all? Was she running away from her past, or towards the future? It had always been...
She took a final, steadying breath.
It had always been both, at the same time.
Faye remembered her room in Icereach, a shrine to herself filled with things she used as proof of who she was. It had been a sanctum, a place where she could hide and find balance. She remembered the fear that drove her there, not just fear of her powers and the harm a changeling queen could cause, but fear that she could lose everything else she had become. A fear that her identity, her very being wasn't yet permanent, held together by wishful thinking as it was.
A fear that, if her past caught up with her, if she backslid to the filly she used to be, to a timeless, chaotic existence of nightmares and confusion, she would lose all of her progress to everything she had worked so hard to become.
That was what it had always been about. It wasn't what Chrysalis had done. It wasn't what she could do, if she desired it. It was the possibility of a return to that time of formlessness and fear. Her blood-red hooves, her changeling queen powers... They were just links to that time.
All she was afraid of was her own fear.
There hadn't been panic attacks like this back before the avalanche. Maybe splitting herself like this hadn't been the right move, after all? Before that, she balanced herself by keeping a firm eye on who she wanted to be. But in handing herself entirely over to her persona as Halcyon, ignorant of the past and carrying only her hopes for the future, had she inadvertently left herself with only her past, and no hopes going forward at all?
And when Halcyon failed, blinded by her tunnel vision to the consequences of her actions, Faye was left with no practice living with herself, nothing to help lighten the load that was dropped on her shoulders. She wasn't stronger, cutting herself in half like this. All of this - not necessarily her bad decisions, but her inability to cope with their consequences - came down to that one thing. In trying to strip herself of what she didn't like about herself, of everything she saw as holding her back, she had only managed to handicap herself and create a self that was perpetually incompatible with the world around her.
She let out a light breath, and almost chuckled. "I wonder what Halcyon is going to say if I tell her about this."
Unraveling this mess wouldn't be easy. She wasn't even sure if it would be possible; for all she knew this was magical thinking and her problems couldn't be so clear and simple. Splitting herself had happened over time and almost on instinct, and she didn't understand the first thing about what she had done to herself on a magical or metaphysical level. And she didn't have a clear picture of where to go from here, either.
But there were a few things to do that might not hurt. First, she had to see her deal with Seigetsu through to completion. Halcyon was a part of her, and if Halcyon couldn't do this on her own, then Faye couldn't either.
And... maybe it was time to make herself stop wearing clothes.
The panic attacks would come. She knew they would. But she also knew what the blood on her hooves really represented. It had nothing to do with the war in the east. It was just a permanent, inescapable reminder of the possibility of forgetting who she was.
Faye stood up, steadied herself, walked out into the bedroom wearing nothing but her bracelet, and opened the door to the lobby.
Pinkie Pie and Applejack were there, both of whom she recognized from the previous day's party. They were busying themselves with the suite's kitchenette, and across from them on the couch Princess Twilight was reclining with what looked like a stack of legal treatises, though she looked up when Faye came in.
"Hi," Faye said shakily, glancing down at herself just in case. Her new resolution hadn't changed anything; her legs were as stubbornly red as they had ever been.
"Mornin'," Applejack greeted, apparently unbothered by the fact that Faye had been in jail for assaulting a treasured magical artifact just last night. "Hope you like apples, because I've got a bit that didn't sell last night, so it's leftovers for breakfast."
"Good morning!" Pinkie crowed, standing with her back to the workspace and wielding a spatula with her tail.
"Ah, you're awake!" Twilight slipped in a bookmark and closed her book with gusto. "I remember seeing you with the dragon envoy, though I don't think we've met properly. But I've heard you both came here to try and save a dying Flame of Harmony, and also attacked Princess Luna and the Crystal Heart with dark magic?"
She raised a skeptical eyebrow, offering Faye a chance to sort this out in plain and simple terms.
"Guilty on both counts," Faye admitted, voice shaky as she handled her thoughts like a balance beam, trying to ignore how blatantly everyone was looking at her. "If you have questions, I can try to answer them, though I can't promise you'll be satisfied with the answers. As for what I was in jail for, I... sometimes have panic attacks. I was just reaching for whatever I could to defend myself. I'm sorry."
Twilight gave her a look that was clearly trying to figure out if this was all there was to the story. Eventually, she shrugged. "Well, far be it from me to blame anyone from freaking out from time to time. If you'd like to build some bridges, would you mind telling me everything you know about the Flame of Harmony you brought here? I've been trying to figure out how we're going to revive it, and it's not been easy."
"Right down to business, huh?" Faye gave a little smile. Corsica hadn't been kidding about trying to salvage her agenda. "Okay. What do you need to know?"
Twilight looked appeased. "Specifically, any and all steps you had planned out before coming here, and how you put those steps together. What information sources were you drawing on that were authoritative enough to warrant this many Writs of Harmonic Sanction, and is there any more we can somehow get out of them?"
Faye shook her head. "The flame asked me to take it to 'Fluttershy,' whom it called its champion. Ponies who knew about Equestria told me that was an Equestrian name, and I got lucky from there that you were famous enough to track down easily." She hesitated. "Fluttershy is part of your friend group, right? Has she...?"
"Oh, she's still sleeping." Twilight nodded over her shoulder at one of the closed doors. "And she got the flame just fine. So you say the flame itself talked to you? How did that work, and can it be replicated?"
"Probably?" Faye guessed. "When I first found it, it seemed to be using the last of its strength to call out to me, and it was silent for a long time after. But while we were crossing the Aldenfold, we found a crater near the edge that was full of some kind of power, and while we were around it, the flame was able to manifest and talk again. I have some notes and measurements from when that happened."
Twilight's eyes sparkled. "Notes and measurements? Perfect! And it was able to grow stronger, though, I'm guessing that was only temporary?"
Faye nodded.
"Well, in that case..." Twilight scratched down a few things on a clipboard held in her aura. "I'd rather not waste any time with this. We'll be on a train to Ponyville in less than two hours, where I have access to another crystal palace. Even a temporary re-manifestation like what you saw would allow it to talk, right? And then I'm sure it could tell me more detailed steps to resuscitate it permanently. If all goes well, we'll go to bed tonight with a concrete plan at worst, and a healthy flame at best." She scratched her head. "How did you transport the flame, anyway? Fluttershy said it's not something any old pony would be able to do. Do you have a special connection with her element?"
Faye hesitated, then held up her bracelet. "It's magic. I act first, and question how it works later."
Twilight gave the bracelet a suspicious look. "If you don't want to tell me, you can just say so. I suppose that green gemstone you were carrying is a secret too?"
Faye hung her head. "I'm making a pretty big effort to have a... normal conversation, and not freak out right now. Maybe when I know you better, I can tell you what it is. Sorry. I'm doing my best."
Twilight, to her credit, backed off.
"Huh. You sound totally different from yesterday," Applejack remarked, strolling over with a hot plate. "If it's the nerves getting to you, know that none of us are the type to carry a grudge over old incidents when it's clear everyone wants to move on together. Of course, we'd all appreciate it if those bygones stayed bygones and you didn't do something like that again... but you don't have much to worry about on our account with whatever stuff you may or may not have been mixed up in before. Anyway, breakfast?"
Breakfast was served, and the morning progressed with the rest of Twilight's friends gradually waking up or returning from wherever they had been and joining the table. After an age, introductions were complete and Faye had a good idea of who was who: Applejack was the Element of Honesty, a straightforward apple farmer with a funny accent. Pinkie Pie was the Element of Laughter, a bubbly mare who came off as impulsive but was surprisingly good at not saying the wrong thing. Rarity was the Element of Generosity, a seamstress and entrepreneur who seemed both the least bothered out of anyone in the group by Faye's actions the previous night, and also the most interested in her body and how it could be made to look with proper, fashionable accentuation.
Not hiding under an oversized coat. Accentuation.
Then, there were the Elements Faye hadn't seen before, or had met mainly in passing. Loudest among them was Rainbow Dash, Element of Loyalty, a pegasus with an eponymously-colored mane whose claim to fame was apparently being the fastest living thing in Equestria. Fluttershy, Faye realized at long last was a spitting image of the form the flame had taken when materializing at the crater in the Aldenfold, butter yellow with a pink mane and a countenance that suited her job as a veterinarian.
Starlight was present too, and she and Faye respectfully avoided engaging the other, both due to Halcyon's awkward introduction the day before and the apparent fact that it was Starlight, not Luna or anyone else, who stopped her when she was reaching for the Crystal Heart. The other non-Element in the group was Spike, the tiny storyteller dragon from the party, who worked as Twilight's aide and seemed to be something between a little brother and a son to her. Their relationship seemed to be the most wholesome one in the room, and Faye was sure there was a deeper story behind how they knew each other.
And finally, there was Twilight herself, alicorn princess of Equestria, leader of the Elements, multiple-time savior of the land and all its people, and element of...
"Magic," Twilight explained around a mouthful of apple pie.
"The Element of Magic?" Faye furrowed her brow. "But the other five are all virtues or ideals or concepts someone can espouse. How come that one's different from the others?"
Applejack shrugged. "Well, it just is. Even the jewelry we used the elements with, hers looked different from the rest of ours."
"I do see your point," Rarity agreed. "But what of it? How or why the Elements work, and especially why they are the way they are, is a little beside the point when you're faced with a job that only they can do."
"Most people would agree that honesty and kindness and the others are virtues, though," Faye pointed out. "Magic is... a lot more broad. You can use magic for good, but there are bad kinds of magic, too. And the others are all personality traits."
"I've thought about this too," Twilight admitted. "And the best answer I've been able to find is that my element isn't actually always magic. It's a wildcard element that becomes whatever is needed to draw the other five together, also known as the Spark. The Elements of Harmony have been wielded many times across the ages, and we weren't always the ones to do it. My role as an element is to bring all the others together. And since my cutie mark is in magic, I suppose that's just what the Spark became for me as well."
Faye's ears perked. "I thought these were forces of nature. That sounds more like a deliberate and intelligent strategy."
"They're both," Starlight said, speaking up from her corner next to Twilight. "The Elements of Harmony were created along with this world to keep it true to its creators' vision for it. As for why they chose the things they chose to be elements, or what they were thinking when they did it? They're so long gone that no one will ever know."
"How do you know that, then?" Faye asked.
Starlight gave her a glance. "From talking with the flames. You're not the only one who can find their way into a crystal palace. And some flames are more talkative than others."
"I don't know about talking to the flames," Fluttershy said, working out a tiny tangle in her mane. "But I can definitely feel this one. You might not be able to know why or how, but you can still understand them." She glanced at Faye. "You understand, right? I don't know how you carried it, but you must have at least spent time around it."
Faye swallowed, still feeling like she was on a tightrope every time someone looked in her direction. "I... suppose I do, yes."
Rarity glanced at her too. "Darling, if I may... Despite all the ice-breaking we've done, you still look as if you're in dire discomfort. Is there anything we can do?"
Faye tensed. "I..."
Now everyone was looking at her.
Keep going, a part of her said. You've done well enough this far.
Yes, and it's enough, another part said. You deserve a break.
You thought this was working at all? a third part butted in. They've been staring all along. They all know, now. And nothing you say can take that away.
What did you think you would accomplish, doing this? a fourth part agreed. Outing yourself to even more ponies? Way to go, genius. Way to trample on all the effort Halcyon made to hide-
"Enough!" Faye squeaked, her voice cracking as she squeezed her eyes shut. "Please, just... don't look at me so much..."
There was a bit of shuffling in the room. Faye's eyes were closed, so she couldn't tell who had obliged.
"Umm," she heard Twilight say.
"Darling...?" Rarity ventured. "Are you quite alright? I only asked because I meant to help, not to cause further discomfort."
"It's my issue," Faye said, prying her eyes back open. "I should be able to deal with it."
Everyone was still watching her, except for Starlight. Thanks, Starlight.
"Not to be pushy," Twilight said, "but you did mention you did what you did last night because you had a panic attack. So if there's anything at all we can get you or do for you to stop that from happening again..."
Faye desperately clawed her way back up onto that mental tightrope, certain that talking about it would send her tumbling all the way off. The last thing she needed was to draw even more attention... She was trying to change, she really was, but wasn't there a way to do this just a little more gradually?
"Ugh, you guys party loud," Corsica's voice groaned from the door to their bedroom.
Blessedly, everyone's attention shifted to Corsica, and Faye felt her heart rate go down. Corsica herself was standing in the doorway and rubbing an eye, coat unbrushed and matted where it had gotten caught beneath her in the folds of her sheets. Her mane and tail were so snarled, they reached almost double their usual volume, almost comparable to Pinkie Pie's. As she leaned against the doorframe, her eyes met Faye's, and she blinked.
"Why are you completely naked?"
Faye slipped on her tightrope again. "My... clothes didn't really survive yesterday..."
Corsica squinted. "Could have sworn I made Seigetsu find you something. Anyway, does anyone have a brush? And a spare set of clothes so the nerd can stop feeling awkward about herself?"
"You know, if this is really all it was, you were welcome to speak up earlier," Twilight said as she and everyone else marched through the palace corridors. "No one wanted you to feel uncomfortable. Hey, some of us even enjoyed ourselves helping out."
She shot a conspicuous glance at Rarity, who was still fussing with the hem on Halcyon's new robe. Apparently, according to Twilight's historical knowledge, Rarity's fashion sense, and the soldier who had curiously shown them to the room where it was stored, this was the robe of a Crystal Magistrate, a position in the government of the Crystal Empire circa twelve hundred years ago that had few official duties and seemed mostly to exist to allow the higher members of society to hold state titles befitting their social stature.
Faye remembered Leif predicting such a thing last night, as they explored the washing room, and now here it was, fabric and all: the betters of the Crystal Empire's old society felt that flaunting their extravagant, shiny coats reflected poorly on their moral character, and as such took even more extravagant means to hide them in public. The robe was huge and flowing, concealing her form beneath a multitude of folds, with a hood that could be pulled up to shroud her face in shadow. Stitched and embroidered, it was magnificent in its austerity, all the craftsmanship neatly hidden away on the inside, tied closed with silken ropes, rugged on the surface yet immaculately soft against her fur.
It came with boots, too, the kind that looked like something a philosopher might wear, yet on the inside felt more like high-top slippers. The only downside was how heavy it was, but that was fine. Even before her years of yak training, Faye had always been able to lift well above her weight class.
There was even a little face mask, tucked away inside the neck of the robe, that she could raise to completely conceal her identity if she wanted. Ironic, given her relationship with masks. She decided not to use it.
"Being uncomfortable was the point," she muttered, hiding in the hood like it was a cave even as the robe billowed behind her. "I don't like having a problem being looked at. I just wanted to change, and I'm going to keep trying after I've had a little time in my comfort zone."
"You know, if you're looking for something that's a little more halfway between this and nothing, I'd be happy to oblige..." Rarity eagerly pointed out.
Faye didn't respond. This robe was neither mobile nor practical, and it would certainly draw stares. But she liked it.
"Hey," Corsica said to her as they approached the final elevator that would take them outside the castle. "What about, you know... everyone else who came with us? I realize you don't run the tightest operation, here, and are probably just trying to get by until Seigetsu gives you the you-know-what back. And I guess I don't have room to talk after ditching you yesterday. But have you thought this through?"
Faye blinked. That was... a subject she really had no idea how to deal with. Ostensibly, Mother and Leif would be coming along, but coordinating that really hadn't turned out to be her strong suit. Braen and Papyrus, she had no idea.
For that matter, she still didn't know how she was going to take a train to Ponyville when it was far enough away to need the train's magic.
"How many companions do you have, anyway?" Twilight asked, apparently having eavesdropped. "I know about Braen. She and I had a meeting with Princess Celestia earlier this morning, and she's decided to stay here in the Crystal Empire until you get back. Seeing as this is supposed to be a quick back-and-forth, and she's not needed for the stuff with the flame, she figured she could pursue her own research here more effectively than on a train."
"That is already taken care of," Seigetsu said, stepping out from behind a pillar with Nanzanaya at her side.
Corsica stopped and blinked. "Hey."
Twilight nodded respectfully. "Special Inquisitor. What do you mean?"
Seigetsu gave a small smile. "That mare is my ward, as of last night. Seeing as I'm taking responsibility for her actions for the time being, I felt it prudent to tie up some loose ends I didn't think would otherwise get handled, and have had a talk with every one of her companions save Corsica. We felt the logistics of this trip would be simpler - Leitmotif, in particular, felt her own odds of getting into trouble would be much lower - if they accepted the Crystal Empire's hospitality for the time being, under the assurance that Halcyon and I will be returning this way the moment our business in Ponyville is concluded. This mare, however, will be accompanying us."
Twilight gave Nanzanaya a look, and then turned back to Seigetsu. "If you're volunteering her to come, does that mean you're footing the bill for any eating expenditures incurred on our travels?"
"Perhaps," Seigetsu said. "Now, before we reach the train station, I must have a word in private with Halcyon. Might the two of us walk together for a ways?"
"Alright," Faye agreed, eyes on Seigetsu's pockets. Was it her imagination, or was her mask crying out to her from within them? One more day, she told herself, and she would swap the bracelet out and get Halcyon back.
But last night had been the first time in years she had gone to sleep and woken up as herself, with no masks in sight. The solution to her personal struggle lay with both her and Halcyon, she knew for certain. It was useless trying to do this all on her own... but it would be equally useless trying too hard to get Halcyon back, and making her do all the work. She had to be able to live as herself, too, at least a little.
One day. If she could make it twenty-four hours, that would be a huge step in the right direction.
Outside, the weather was immaculate, without a hint in the sky that the Crystal Heart was the only thing keeping the empire from being savaged by a brutal blizzard. "What do you want to talk about?" Faye asked, pulling down her hood once everyone else was out of earshot.
"In Snowport, my brother spoke of a powerful magic that only exists for those who are unaware of it," Seigetsu said. "I recall you seeming quite vexed by the conversation, and made a note to myself that you would likely seek out what that magic was. Have you discovered it?"
Faye's ears pressed back. So that was what this was about.
"I have," she admitted. "Yelvey told me all about it during that meeting that went south. It was supposed to be collateral so I would consent afterward to having my memory wiped."
Seigetsu chuckled. "After the incident in question, you were most insistent you did have your memory wiped, and only recalled the details because they were told to you by a changeling who came to your aid. I suppose they told you these details as well?"
Faye froze.
"There's no need for that," Seigetsu said, motioning for her to keep walking. "I suspected you weren't telling me everything back then. Now that we're working together, you might as well explain yourself. I'm going to find out eventually, and we've established you aren't a skilled enough con artist to keep your stories straight over time."
Faye glowered, then sighed. "Your memory magic doesn't work on me. I can remember things that are tampered with or taken." She glanced up at Seigetsu. "I'm only telling you this because this is clearly a prelude to you offering me some workaround that will let us ride the trains despite knowing how they work. So you should know in advance if it's the kind of thing that might not work on me."
"Interesting," Seigetsu said. "Your secret is safe with me. And worry not. I have a high degree of confidence my workaround will work. Which brings me to my next question: did you tell Princess Twilight or any of her friends about the trains? If so, I will need to meet with them about this workaround as well. And I would rather get a head start on that if possible, because they have a disagreeable history with it."
"I don't think so?" Faye wracked her memories. "I've haven't discussed it on purpose. But Twilight was bothered by how she didn't know about Snowport's existence, and seems like the kind of pony who researches things she doesn't know. So it's possible she found out part of it on her own."
"I see." Seigetsu nodded. "Then I shall approach her about it discreetly. Now then..."
She snapped her talons, and out of a nearby trash can stepped Egdelwonk.
Faye blinked. "You two know each other?"
"Well, I do happen to consider myself dragon-adjacent," Egdelwonk proclaimed, holding a hoof across his chest. "Although I suppose you haven't seen the form I usually use around Equestria yet, have you...?"
With a pomf of purple geometry and starry mist, Egdelwonk's barrel turned into a noodle, and after a bit of writhing he straightened himself out into an incredibly long draconid thing with plenty of features stolen from a pony, a goat, a griffon and too many other animals to count.
Faye gaped just a little... and then realized of course someone who looked like Egdelwonk would have a true form. There was no way he had ever been anything but a... whatever this was... pretending to be a pony.
"The real name's Discord, Lord of Chaos," Egdelwonk proclaimed, standing up on two legs with a flourish. "A draconequus, if you're unfamiliar with my ilk. Once upon a time I was a miscreant of small repute, but ever since Twilight and her friends came along I figured a change of pace was in order, and now I'm nice and chummy with Team Harmony. Really, ask Twilight! She'll say I'm a saint. So now we have tea parties and make friendship bracelets together and stuff, and the world is safer for our efforts."
He smiled beatifically. "Also, the Princesses asked very nicely for me to join their side because I can break the rules of their little train game and they were tired of taking months to get from edge to edge of their kingdom. Imagine making friends for purely practical reasons! I'm sure they legitimately enjoy my company as well, but sometimes you need to get from the Crystal Empire to Ponyville in a hurry, you know?"
Faye took a step back. "What does this involve?"
Discord shrugged. "Dousing your body and mind in primordial chaos. Turns you gray, flips your personality and special talent inside out, extremely fun and disorienting experience you should absolutely offer to your friends as a prank. For most ponies, it should wear off in a day or two, particularly if they've got friends around to remind them who they really are, though in your case..." He rubbed his chin. "I'm not quite certain you aren't already Discorded, courtesy of someone else. After all, you are a whole lot less colorful than you used to be, and I suppose it would explain..."
Faye blinked.
"Oh, forget I said anything!" Discord waved and moonwalked away. "I'll be stalking the train just in case, but see if you can't already ride just how you are right now!"