So, after proposing to Chryssy at the Gala, everything became a bit of a blur. We mostly danced together, and she held me very, very closely(I have learnt that she purrs. It’s fucking adorable). Compared to Chryssy, I was pretty much pocket sized, and she loved that even though I will end up growing out of the ‘pocket size’ that Chrysalis loves about me. I hope I grow taller, because then I will be at the optimal height to hug and kiss my, now, fiance better. Also Chrysalis has expressed a preference for taller stallions, even if she really liked being able to just pick me up and carry me whenever she’d liked to.
In fact, she almost tried to carry me out of the Gala by getting me drunk. It didn’t work the first time. But the second time she had succeeded... This is how it
“Ugh… I didn’t know that unicorn standing with Auntie Celestia was that ugly bug. I was hoping to ask for a dance, but now…” Chrysalis and I had stopped midway through another dance, and Chrysalis began to droop a little bit. Now, usually, Chrysalis being sad was already unacceptable to me, but she was also extra, extra, extra pretty in her dress today and also now my fiance. So, I’m now a little pissed off. The fucker that dared to call Chrysalis-
“Fruit, do not start a fight over me,” Chrysalis held me closer to her chest. “Let us just enjoy our evening. I am even willing to let Princess Luna borrow you for a dance, if you would like.”
“But… he called you, the most gorgeous bug in this room, ugly. That doesn’t-”
“Don’t… you’ll end up punching Prince Blueblood in the face.”
“Good. I still need to beat that kid across the ass with a belt.”
“He is older than you.”
Chrysalis let go of me, and gave me a sad little smile. “Come on, let’s go grab some refreshments, and then… go request a room to stay in the castle. Not only is it still ridiculously cold out, but… I would like to get some cuddling done, my little king.”
“That’s not even a Prince! It’s a stupid, stupid unicorn that got lucky. He’s not even nobility. It makes sense that a foul creature such as himself would wish to marry such-” Chrysalis’s eye twitched, and I could’ve sworn I saw a knife strapped to her butt under that dress of hers. A green aura tickled at the theoretical knife as Chrysalis tried her damned hardest not to stab Blueblood in the face.
Skitter and Scatter, and every single changeling in the Gala, most of which definitely weren’t invited(but nobody was stopping them from being here. Scatter became a sort of ‘pet’ for the Royal Guard. And the whole guard loved her), stopped their little dance, and slowly stood up to their full height.
Not gonna lie, seeing a bunch of drones in tuxedos and simple, cloth dresses was kinda cute. Well, it was cute to me, because I wasn’t their center of attention. You see, they were all eyeballing Prince Blueblood, and all seemed pissed the fuck off. Skitter reached under his suit and slowly pulled out one of the muskets he helped me build, and so did every single bug in the room. I blinked a couple times and looked up at Chrysalis.
“What? We have learnt your invention is quite ingenious, especially for executions if they need to be performed. And they are built off of you and your… monkeyness, and our engineering.”
“Skitter… you took my idea and gave it to the rest of the Hive?” The Changeling in question nodded.
“I am so proud of you.” Skitter’s face lit up,.. stop being cute you fucking cuddle bug. before it darkened again and locked onto Blueblood, who didn’t know what was happening.
Princess Celestia glided down to the dance floor beside myself and Chrysalis. She blinked a couple of times, before looking at me. “Fruit, what are those sticks that yours and Chrysalis’s drones holding?” Skitter, Scatter, and everyling in the room pointed their muskets at Prince Blueblood.
“Uh… let’s say if I don’t do something, then Prince Blueblood might die. Those sticks go boom, and whatever they’re pointed at stops breathing shortly afterwards,” I stepped forward and slapped Blueblood with a glove I stole from some random noble in the room.. “C’mon you dumb, stupid fuck. You wanted to duel me last time I ran day court, so let’s just do this here and now.” I turned back to everyling in the room. “Stand down buggies, Papa Fruit is just having a mild disagreement here.” Surprisingly, noling protested, and the muskets disappeared. They almost went back to the ‘ling dance’ if the music hadn’t stopped.
“So now you step up to the plate and wish to duel?” Blueblood grinned and raised a hoof to his chest. He was practically grinning like a little kid in excitement; wow a pony that actually wants to cause a problem to my way of life… Well, time to re-establish my public persona of being an asshole.
“Blah, blah, blah. If I, an alicorn loses to a mere stallion, it would be embarrassing? How you’ll extract revenge by kicking my ass. Blah, blah, blah. Shut the fuck up.” I will force feed you a banana, pal. Don’t try me. Ah fuck, I didn’t say that out loud.
Blueblood stomped with a crack on impact with the floor- jesus that was loud. My ears are bleeding. “You won’t let me have my moment! This is supposed to be my time to shine!”
“So you can make your asshole shine as much as your teeth- wait, that’s your mouth. Man, you gotta control where your feces leaves your mouth, mate, because like, your entire digestive track might be fucked up.” Everypony in the room gasped at my amazing, incredibly mature insult.
Kill me with a vending machine please.
Celestia and Chrysalis had summoned buckets of popcorn and had moved into the crowd.
“You’re the bastard that turned down my request for a loan and destroyed one of my product-” I threw a brick at that guy.
“I don’t give two fat fucks, this is a duel, not a brawl, stupid.” I turned to Blueblood and pulled out a banana. “Well, let’s go. You get first move-” I summoned a shield and blocked a spell from Blueblood. I raised an eyebrow and cocked my head to the side… Wow, a simple striking spell. It was kinda strong, but nothing that a good old shield can’t stop. I lowered my shield and drove a spell that Blueblood had casted into the ground. Blueblood took a slight step back, before regaining that arrogant grin of his. “Fuck that’ll start a fire,” I looked at the burn mark on the carpet.
“Hey, do I… have to pay to replace the carpeting?” I asked. Celestia slowly shook her head with a mouthful of popcorn. Nopony was paying attention to her.
She was liking the show at least.
“Oh come the buck on! How the buck does he know how to do that?” Twilight shouted from the back. What she was complaining about, I dunno… But she’s back to hating me again! Score… What did I do again? I peeled my banana from the stem, like a monster, and took a bite from it. I then dodged out of the way of another spell from Blueblood.
“Princess Twilight, you can at least try to hide your wing erection better. Please stop staring at my fiance,” Chrysalis said with a mouthful of popcorn. Wait, how the fuck am I turning Twilight on- god dammit, Twilight. We’re supposed to hate each other. Fuck it, I ain’t starting a herd; I really don’t feel like dealing with that whole scrambled mess.
Okay, purple alicorn cute- a spell whizzed past my head and hit a column where Discord was hugging and holding a sleepy Fluttershy. Discord seemed completely unbothered; he was the literal embodiment of chaos, I don’t think he cares at all right now…
You know what, I’m not a masochist, but I’m going to go ahead and take a spell to see if I can take it.
(meanwhile)
Nightmare Moon had snuck through the castle, while being a little angry. Luna, her counterpart, had taken all the damned moon pie at the Gala! And the Mare of Nightmares had been hoping to get a moon pie; she liked the taste of moon rocks. They had a nice, crunchy, saltiness to them that simply couldn’t be explained. Sure, it wasn’t gourmet, and the castle’s kitchen staff were good at their jobs, but a pie made with moon rocks sounded delectable.
What? Moon rocks was a guilty pleasure of the Nightmare, pne she would glady indulge in again should she ever return to the moon.
Unfortunately for the Nightmare, she had to part ways with her husband for the evening, so the Element of Honesty could do some catching up with her brother, as they have not seen each other in months. So Nightmare Moon had to go about this hunt on her own! Luckily, the castle had recently installed new, improved, harder to break into vending machines by the one and only Google. Who the neigh was Google? Nopony knows, they just showed up one day, started a company, and started making minor technical advancements for Equestria.
They went by ‘Flim Flam Inc’.
“Now Fruit Punch Proof, and twenty-three more options!” It was advertised. What did that mean? Nopony knows, but to Nightmare, it was a buffet waiting to enter her bottomless pit of a stomach.
So now Nightmare Moon was sitting in front of a vending machine, taking a moment to shake her rear for any guards that happened to be passing by(she wanted a second husband. Big Mac was great in bed, he was great for snuggles, but another male couldn’t hurt, could it? Double the snuggles… Not sex. Big Mac was a little too intimidated by Nightmare to have sex), while she dug around in a purse for her coin purse. Why did mares decide they needed a purse for purses? And why had she subscribed to that ridiculous, terrible idea? The Night Queen let out a snort of frustration and threw her purse at a nearby window.
Only then did she realize that the window she had just shattered depicted Fruit Punch’s battle against Lord Tirek. Well… at least nopony seemed to like Fruit Punch, so perhaps it wasn’t too big of a deal.
Now to try and open this vending machine without nopony noticing… Nightmare had thrown hers(and Luna’s[the two’s shared]’ bits). She snorted and snuck off to steal some random guard’s wallet, which seemed way easier than opening a vending machine.
(back to fruit)
I stuffed a banana in Prince Blood’s mouth(unpeeled. I’m a dick, not a psycho), after side stepping his attempt at stabbing me with his horn. So far, I have gone completely untouched, and not the entire Gala was placing bets on who would win. Most, if not all of the princesses had popcorn, while Twilight constantly shouted(and being turned on by my bizarre magical skills) whenever I did something like using a spell to temporarily boost up how durable my hooves were to block spells.
“Gah! What in Equus is wrong with you?” Blueblood started coughing, because having a banana shoved at terminal speeds into your throat is not a good thing to have happen, funnily enough. He stumbled a bit while my ears flicked to some direction. Thumping, it’s getting louder… louder, and even louder. Nightmare Moon broke through a solid stone wall, shouting. “Give me my Moon Pie, you bucking piece of shit,” while pushing a vending machine along with-
Ow... my everything. My leg’s fine though-
Huh… that seems like… why is everything black?
(Meanwhile)
Chrysalis and Celestia stared at Fruit, who had been crushed by a now broken vending machine. They both watched with nearly complete disinterest as they watched the Elements of Harmony begin to panic, and try to get the machine off of Fruit Punch. Well, Chrysalis had shed a tear. “When did Fruit manage to get those mares to care for him?” Chrysalis asked.
“During Hearth's Warming Eve. Fruit sang a silly little song from the world and I suppose that won the Elements over.” Both Queen and Princess blinked when Nightmare Moon emerged from the broken vending machine while holding a moon pie, and she let out a mighty ‘neigh’ as she triumphantly reared up with the machine’s entire stock of moon pies in her magic. She ripped the wrapper off of one of her sugary treats, took a massive bite out of it and frowned.
“Luna! These do not taste like moon rocks! Why do you enjoy these infernal treats?” Nightmare asked before shoving three of them into her muzzle while humming with each bite.
Luna blinked a couple times and kept sipping on her juice box.
(Meanwhile)
“Fruit Punch was killed, while fleeing Prince blueblood by a vending machine that had been trying to escape Princess Nightmare Moon,” I stared at the text before looking straight ahead. There were two buttons. One was ‘give up, you stupid, weak bitch’ and the other was respawn. I poked a button and blinked a couple times as light began to fill the void.
Well, this was satisfying to my ADHD at least- light had swallowed me.
(meanwhile, everypony is in shock, except for Chrysalis)
“So how long is it until Fruit Punch realizes that he can come back from the dead?” I asked Princess Celestia. I wanted to know, because even if I knew what was going to happen, seeing Fruit’s broken leg poking out from under the vending machine was starting to upset me; that specific leg had almost healed completely too. Even if I know the outcome, seeing my future husband's corpse lying under a vending machine was heartbreaking.
“Chrysalis! Your fiance just got killed, and you don’t care?” Twilight shouted.
Now, Sparkie, I do care, but I know what is going to happen.
A ‘plop’ noise was made, and Fruit Punch blinked, completely unscathed. For a few moments, he looked around, before noticing a wild, bragging Prince Blueblood. Without any hesitation, Fruit threw a brick at Prince Blueblood, who was trying to hit on Princess…. Fruit pointed at the prince’s unconscious body and laughed.
“I came back from the dead to fuck you- oh hey Nightmare!” Fruit waved. Nightmare waved back as she stuffed a whole bag of Frito Nays into her mouth… along with the bag itself.
Bucking alicorns.
Actually, now thinking about it, Celestia’s nephew was trying to hit on Nightmare Moon, but it was oblivious to the fact that both Princess Luna and her former counterpart were arguing about which moon rocks tasted better. Neither Mare of the Moon had even noticed their nephew, but… Wow Celly, Luna gets along better with Nightmare Moon than with you. That or the two just knew each other far, far better than any normal pony should.
I expect to see foals from them very soon.
“Oh Jesus Christ, that is my leg!” Fruit shouted before poking his former body. My attention turned back to my fiance, who was poking his old, dead body’s broken leg with a stick.
“I guess I got killed by a vending machine. Cool. I can’t kill myself with a shotgun, but I can-“ my fiance let out a very stallion-like shriek as I plucked him off the ground, and moved him into my arms. He was slightly taller now. Dangit alicornyness, let me keep my fiance at pocket size! I want to be able to just pick Fruit up with my forelegs and cuddle him!
Twilight just blinked a couple of times as her gaze moved from Fruit Punch and Princess Celestia.
“What? I’ve been stabbed in the heart before, and I did die numerous times… But even despite that, there’s a reason why I don’t step up my own security in Canterlot, or anywhere for that matter. Besides, my beloved student, what do you think fuels the Sun?”
“You… fuel the sun with your… bodies?”
“Of course, and thanks to my body being naturally fireproof, it works as a better fuel source than coal does.”
“Twilight, as a pony who wasn’t a pony a year ago, just don’t question what the fuck is going on in this god forsaken universe. Because honestly, I still don’t know what the fuck just happened. I’m glad I’m still alive, but I think I need more beer.” Twilight nodded as Pinkie Pie had handed her confused friend a bottle of spiked orange juice… What? It was labeled as such.
Let’s say the Princess of Friendship is going to have a hangover tomorrow.
I lifted up a nice, very tall bottle of wine. “We’re… gonna have fun tonight, aren’t we?” Fruit asked. I simply nodded and smirked.
“Well, I’m going to get pre-smashed, so don’t mind me.” Fruit pulled out a can of something that smelled very, very intoxicating, but had a nice berry smell to it. Fruit offered me a sip, and I took- that is very strong alcohol. Very tasty, very strong, and that is enough to make a changeling grow hair on their chitrin. I need to ask Fruit to make a less potent variant, as I would enjoy having that without dying from alcohol poisoning.
Fruit downed the whole can, walked around me, before laying his head on my shoulder. Not before making sure to put several napkins on my shoulder- he was trying not to get my dress dirty and he was incredibly drunk. In fact, where did he get those?
“Bounty, the quicker picker upper!” Fruit belched so loudly that it made every noble pony(including a still knocked out Prince Blueblood) cringe, and rested his head on my shoulder. Times like this made me wish I was an actual alicorn; I could then cover up this charming little stallion with my wings, but unfortunately my actual wings do not have the flexibility of a pegasus's wings.
Fruit Punch snored like a puppy.