“I thought you wanted to keep me out of Ponyville,” I said as I loaded up my shotgun. Standing beside me was Sunset Shimmer, who was let out of custody temporarily to help out as well for some reason. Sitting in front of Twilight was some weird book I’ve never seen before. She still had to keep the magic prohibiting ring on her head though. “Did you just call me over to… stand around? Kill something? Me, being the Alicorn of Death, demands blood, so I’ll kill somebody if you want me to.”
“No, I called you and Sunset Shimmer here because… my friends back in Canterlot High are in trouble, and I need both of you to help me. Since I… still don’t know much about Earth, and you two would be more knowledgeable than I would be.”
“How do you even know your friends are in trouble? Like, aren’t they in another fucking dimension?”
“Well, if you would have noticed, I gave my friends a magical book they can use to communicate with me. But you were busy buying a shotgun and committing robbery!”
“To be fair, my plan was better than yours, because I got the crown, saved the town, and Mr. Krabs.”
“Who?”
“Oh! I loved that movie! I saw it in theaters shortly after I won the Spring Formal!!” Sunset nearly pranced before regaining her composure. “So why did you bring me along again? Aren’t I a criminal?”
“That’s why… Fruit is here.” Twilight now realized that bringing me along would keep Sunset in check, but nobidy will keep me in check. Especially when I’m high, nobody will keep me in check except for the laws of fucking physics. “Anyways, I built a system using this book here, that allows me to come and go as I please to Earth and Equestria!”
“Wow, no stupid, long explanation that sounds nonsensical and complicated?”
“You’ll hit me in the head with a shotgun again if I did!”
“Good. You understand me now. Well, fuck it. C’mon Sunny, let’s make sure Twilight doesn’t eat at a Burger King, or she will die.”
“But I like burgers,” Twilight said rather… innocently. It would’ve been adorable had it not come from this psycho. Sunset cringed at that. “What? Is there something wrong with me liking burgers?”
“Uh… Burger King uses cows in their patties, not hay, Twilight.” Sunset said while rubbing her shoulder. Twilight’s jaw dropped, so she was entirely broken. I turned on the device, by hitting the only button on it, grabbed Spike with my magic, and chucked him through the portal.
“Ladies first,” I said after throwing Twilight into the portal too. Twilight was screaming about how she ate at Burger King before she hit the mirror. Sunset shook her head.
“Nope, stallions go first usually.”
“Aighty… actually I should leave my shotgun at home. I am not going to shoot up a high school yet.” I set my shotgun off to the side, behind a bookcase, and trotted through the portal.
I stood up and scratched my back as I turned around to see Twilight’s friends hug her. “Ohohoho! Mob is back!” Not Rarity hopped and skipped. The portal opened up again and Sunset stepped through, and walked through more ceremoniously than I did, since I landed on my ass and probably broke it. And.. Nor Rarity was staring at me like a creep again. Bitch, I have a girlfriend, soon to be fiancé, fuck off!
“Fruit… we may have a problem.” Two more people flew out of the portal and stumbled a bit, before adjusting absurdly quickly to being on two feet. “Skitter, Scatter, did you follow me?”
“Yes sir, we figured that you would like some assistance.” Scatter than glared Rarity. “Step away from Fruit, please. He has a fiancé”
“Scatter, call me Mob, I’m a human, use my human name. Also, that wasn’t announced yet!”
“I know sir, but you and Mom are basically married at this point.”
“Fair enough, i do bend over backwards for Chryssy.”
Eventually we all walked on over to a diner, which is odd since technically these kids were still in school and Twilight was filled in on what was happening. Apparently three immortal asshats showed up a fucking while ago, got enrolled in Canterlot High, and hypnotized the entire school and turned a fun musical showcase into a music competition. Also the world will possibly burn to the ground if the ‘Dazzlings’ win. Whatever the fuck that is.
“And we’re going to win!” Not Rainbow said as she grasped at the air.
“Nah, I’m gonna take part in this shit. Skitter, Scatter, how are y’all at singing?”
“Very well, sir,” Skitter managed to… hit the lowest note on a piano while saying that.
“I’m not as good at singing, but I can probably teach myself,” Skatter. She just hit the highest note on the piano… what the fuck were these two’s vocal ranges?
For some reason, nobody decided to take note of the fact that both of my guards have vocal ranges that were incredibly broken. In fact, they all just glossed over it, and started talking about how they’ll kick the ‘Dazzlings’ butts with a magical blast, which they almost did to Sunset Shimmer before she got hit on the head with a brick. If worse comes to worse, I will use a brick and commit murder on the Sirens.
Speaking of Sunset, I don’t know where the fuck she went. Like, Twilight didn’t even acknowledge where she went, and I haven’t seen Sunset.
The ten of us all filed into the gymnasium, where most of the ‘Battle of the Bands’ would be taking place and everybody was yelling at each other about something. I stole a cookie or two, and wandered over to get myself registered in the Battle of the Bands. Instead of having a band be made by myself, I decided I’m going to do everything. Guitar, drums, singing. I had Skitter and Scatter, with some bits, to go buy me equipment because apparently they knew what electric guitars were.
“So, what is your band’s name?” Principal Celestia asked.
“Ah, that… I dunno, the Fuck boy.”
“Something school appropriate, please.” Oh hey, her eyes flashed another color, so she’s hypnotized. That’s a damned shame. Welp, not my world’s Celestia, not my problem!
“The Goofy Goober?” Surprisingly, that didn’t get denied, and now I was a Goofy Goober.
Why was Twilight and her friends standing in the center of the room and holding hands? Twilight, you are causing a scene looking stuoid while doing it. Oh hey, those three girls look like very obvious villains… oh, Twilight was trying to blast them to death with magic? It probably woulda worked if her plan wasn’t so fucking dumb, but Twilight is the smartest dumbass I know. “Sir, we got the equipment you requested.”
Skitter handed me an electric guitar that looked incredibly well polished. “We just found some rich person’s home and stole the guitar. Apparently that person’s name ws ‘Chad Kroeger’, judging by some of… the fan mail he received.”
“Was it actually fan mail?”
“No sir, most of it were notes telling Chad to commit suicide.”
“Ah, I guess Nickleback is just multiversally hated then.”
“Well, c’mon, let’s go check on what-'' one of the obviously evil bitches bumped into me after aruging with one of her ‘friends’ about fruit punch. You know, given that’s my namesake, the Fruit Punch should be damn good, you hoe. “Whoops, didn’t mean to nearly body check you. So, you’re one of the dazzlings, right?”
“Yup! We’re going to take over the world after we take over this school!”
“Neat. Want some tacos? I know a good place that’s way, way better than some cafeteria food.”
“Wait, tacos?” Aw, how was this girl evil? It just seems like she wanted lunch. Wait… I didn’t accidentally ask somebody out, right? If I did, then I am going to shoot myself- fuck, I left my shotgun at home. “Oh, I would love a taco right about now!”
“Aighty, dunno if Taco Bell managed to breach this realm of existence too, but we’ll see. Hey Skitter, Scatter, want anything?”
“Well, we don’t know what tacos are, but they sound interesting. So if you don’t mind, we would like to tag along.”
“Fruit, what are you doing with her?” Twilight asked as the two of us walked out of the school building.
“Getting lunch, she wants tacos, and I kinda miss having a mediocre tacos. Plus, Skitter and Scatter never had tacos, so where else to take them than a restaurant that claims to be Mexican food, but isn’t?”
“Fruit, that is… one of the dazzlings. You cannot-“ her voice started to die out as we continued walking down the street. Skitter had somehow gotten ahold of a smartphone at some point and had very quickly worked out how to use the GPS in it. It was rather impressive given that the bug never had fingers until recently, but then again, my bug horses were awesome. Also I have a plan now that I know that I could possibly bribe Sonata with food.
“So, why do you want to take over the world?” I said as Skitter took the lead.
“I… Adriago wants to, so I just follow her.”
“And what do you want?”
“I just want to try out the food of this world! It’s all so tasty!” Skitter walked into the Taco Bell we had just walked into and started to quickly order food for us without taking more than one glance at the menu, while Scatter kept poking at the smartphone she obtained. “Like, the only thing I didn’t like was tea, but I never liked tea to begin with… it just feels so weird to be eating food and not the negative emotions of everybody around me, but it feels good. It also feels better than skinning ponies alive, which I didn’t know was possible!” Okay, maybe this bitch is evil as fuck, but food redeemed her.
Sounds about right. “Hey now, food is good, especially if you get something that… just hit differently from everything else you’ve had.” I’m just gonna pretend like she didn’t skin anybody alive, or this is going to get really awkward.
“Sonata, your food.” Scatter, how the fuck did you know her name? Well, Sonara didn’t seem to care, since she immediately dug into her tacos and… okay, she really seemed to like them since she went and ordered seven more from the counter. Well, that’s her taken care of. “Yo, Scatter, when does the Battle of the Bands start?”
“Tomorrow, Sir.”
“Cool, let's go find a hotel for the night.”
The next day, I was sitting around, staring at the little tournament bracket. The Rainbooms, or Not Rainbow Dash’s band, was facing off a solo cello player, which seemed unfair, but whatever. For some reason, I got to go against… what seems like this world’s equivalent of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Aw come on! I don't wanna crush some children’s dreams! Well, sorry kiddos, but there’s a shiny trophy you get for winning, and I want it.
So first up, the Dazzlings were up first against a bunch of hippies, and holy fuck are they good at singing. Well, it makes sense since they sing songs to hypnotize people, but they seemed a little shocked that I wasn’t put under any mind control by the song. No, I don’t want to win this because I’m angry, no, I’m mentally ill and want a shiny trophy. I’m also not very smart, so hypnotizing just doesn’t work on me at all. Thank you ADHD.
Without question, the Dazzlings won after their voices somehow sent their opponents flying. Next up was Trixie and the Illusions against two girls singing a love song on the piano, and given how they were looking at each other, they were probably not straight. I can respect that honestly, even if their piano playing was a bit… not great. Oi, why the fuck did they go flying when Trixie hit apthe final chord of her song?
Also, what the fuck, Trixie, they were in love with each ither snd you sent them flying.
Next, Flash, the guy Twilight wants to fuck, sent a bunch of hippies flying. Then the Rainbooms sent the cello player flying, and her cello, which broke upon impact with the ground. Eventually I got to go on, and I knew what I had to do now that I saw that the piano was free to use, since who the fuck is going to carry a piano with them?
The Crusaders were doing some… sort of metal sttyle song and their… screams sounded like it was hurting their throat. I cracked my knuckles and got ready for my turn to play after their last bit.
“So, my first song is called ‘a World On Fire’. Yes, I am going to sing Bo Burnham songs because everybody seems to be free styling for some stupid reason. I then took a deep breath, slammed my hands into the keys while screaming and… hey, everybody stopped fighting for a moment and were laughing. With that, the Crusaders went flying off the stage and I went onto the next round. Wow, look at me, beating up children with casual ease and my definitely superior musical talents.
Anyways, one round done, it was time for a break. For some reason, the leader and main singer of the Dazzlings pointed at me while arguing were her band members. I was up against Trixie and the Illusions next, so I needed to prepare for the next battle by remembering a very awesome song.
“So, you’re Mob, correct?” One of the Dazzlings asked while I continued to look over my sheet music that I didn’t use.
“Yeah, lemme guess, Aria Blaze?”
“How… Do you know my name?”
“It’s under the band information.”
“So, how badly do you want to win this?”
“Not super badly, but I would like the trophy. I could steal it, but then it wouldn’t be cool. I’m not a very competitive person, I’m just really into shiny things, like that trophy.” Aria just stared at me like I'm an idiot and wandered back over to her band. Scatter handed me a bottle of water.
“So sir, what do you plan on singing against the Illusions?”
“A song about a front door.”
“Understood sir. Sounds like an interesting song.
So most of the round went about as usual, the Rainbooms, Flash’s band, the Dazzlings, and a couple other bands swept the competition and it was my turn again.
“Because I’m Great, and Powerful! I will show you my might!” Trixie, that was terrible.
“I’m best friends with my own front door. I just closed it and I’m opening more.” As I sang, everybody was giving me funny looks except for the principals, who seemed to be enjoying my jazzy, rocky version of a Bill Wurtz song. Now, I could’ve sung ‘sad’ but I don’t think poking fun at the holocaust would be a very good way at winning a musical competition. Anyways, I won somehow. Thank you puberty for the multiple voice cracks.
And now Trixie has a knife… how the fuck did she get that onto school property? Before she could do anything, Skitter body checked her in the back of the room and I was saved.
Oh, next round I’m… up against the Rainbooms and it’s the semi finals already. You know what, I’m going to crush them purely to spite Twilight. “Fruit,” Twilight took a seat beside me. “I know you and I usually don’t get along, but for this one time, can you please, please give up? I'll give you the trophy if I win.” I rubbed my chin, mocking contemplation, before shaking my head.
“Fuck your dreams, fuck your nightmares, I’m gonna win this shit.”
“Fruit, if me and the Rainbooms don’t make it to the finals, the Dazzlings will take over the world.”
“Cool, I don’t care. I’m going to win, even if you don’t think I will. I’ve got a couple tricks up my sleeve and a favor to call on.”
So, Flash and his band got fucking annihilated by the Dazzlings, because boy could the guy not sing, like literally. He sang the whole time before this round and didn’t this round. He can shred on that guitar incredibly well, but he ddin’t sing the whole time… how the fresh fuck did he make it this far? Did he forget how to open his jaw or something?
it was probably the mind control, that would explain a lot actually.
The Rainbooms… weren’t too bad if you actually paid attention. It didn’t help that the only person in the band that had a deep voice was Applejack, and she didn’t sing at all, but it wasn’t bad. Rainbow and Twilight seemed to be the main singers while Pinkie… was providing the back up vocals, which just didn’t work very well.
That's nice and all, but these guys don’t know my trump card; I watched Spongebob a couple hundred times, and know a special song. Sweet Victory time, baby! I began singing and hit the crowd with a very impromptu guitar solo, and sent the Rainbooms flying off the stage after the final chorus. You aren't beating Spongebob Squarepants songs, Ladybitch Sparkle!
Oh, the school day’s over and I gotta wait until tomorrow.
“Fruit, do you know what you’ve just done?” Twilight shouted after everybody except me and the Rainbooms were left in the gym. “You’ve just doomed all of Earth to the Dazzlings! Do you even care? Do you know the ramifications of your action? For what? A fucking trophy you won’t win? You’re an asshole, Fruit.”
“Again, don’t worry, I’ll save the world and kiss the pretty girl when I win!”
So it turns out that the final concert was actually tonight, and was now standing in front of the entire school and their families. The Dazzlings were standing on one edge of the stage, while I was standing on the other. “You know, not once in my horrible, horrible career as a comedian would lead me to singing I’m a Goofy Goober on Stage in front of a thousand high schoolers, but here we are.”
Now I wanna go cry in a corner.
“You’ll do fine sir, just remember to breathe in between verses.”
“I will.”
“And make sure to kiss Mom when you win the trophy.”
“Like I wouldn’t dare kiss Chryssy,” I laughed.
Oh hey, the Dazzlings were singing… well, pretty well again. Unfortunately you bunch of idiots, it's my turn and you’re not gonna like my first song. “Have you ever felt sad and lonely? Have you ever felt two feet tall?” Anyways, the crowd was loving my rendition of ‘Kill Yourself’, I know, the perfect song to sing at a high school event. The Dazzlings took another turn and… had demon ghost things flying around me.
“Hey now, that’s not cool,” I said as one of them, Aria I believe, broke my keyboard. “Now that's just… mean. Well, fuck it. I didn’t wanna kick your asses, but… I’m… I'm… a Goofy Goober!” Skitter started playing a bass guitar as the song progressed, and I somehow grew wings and… why the fuck is a black beam of magic erupting from my body?
And why are the Dazzlings on the ground… and they can’t sing anymore. Wait a second, I just won the trophy! I grinned like a massive idiot when it was presented to me and laughed like an idiot when the Rainbooms were staring with their jaws hanging while Skitter kept going on the bass guitar like it was a new toy for him… great, he’s addicted to it now. He’s feeling the melody now.
“So,” I stepped off the stage after the crowd had dispersed, leaving just me and the Rainbooms again. “Don’t mess with a mentally ill man when he has his eyes set on a prize. Oh hey Sunset, what were you doing?” Where the fuck did she come from? And why did she smell like popcorn?
“I saw How to Train Your Dragon Two, since it was premiering, so I went and watched six times.”
“I see that you liked it a lot.”
“You bet! I really cried when Hiccup’s dad died.”
“Hey! No spoilers!” Not Pinkie said.
“I see you won the Battle of the Bands, Mob.”
“Finally! Somebody used my human name!”
“We did too, sir, we just don’t use your name when speaking directly to you,” Scatter said.
“Well, c’mon, let’s all go home. I still gotta kiss Chrysalis on the lips.”
(Meanwhile)
“How did we lose?” Adirago yelled as she slammed her first into a tree. Sonata was giggling while holding sixty thousand dollars worth of store credit to Taco Bell. Along with several credit cards under Twilight’s name. “We had it, and then that bastard uses dark magic on us?”
“Yea, let's go with that,” Sonata said as she hid her gift from Fruit Punch behind her back.
(Later, feat: the Rainbooms)
“How are we going to pay that off?” Rainbow Dash’s voice broke from the pure shock of it all. She and her friends were now twelve thousand dollars in debt for breaking Octavia’s cello.