I rocked back and forth at the meeting room I was in. Every single alicorn in Equestria, myself include, all discussing the very existence of me. The main topic was how I ascended, as for how I even found that out, I don’t know. I really do not understand how the fuck I grew a pair of wings other than that year old Redbull being a potential reason behind why I have these things. For some reason, Celestia theorized that I finally discovered the true meaning of friendship, while Chrysalis simply said I was in close proximity to a magical explosion, hence the wings.
“So Fruit Punch, what do you believe you did to become an alicorn?” I was finally asked that million dollar question.
I pulled out the can of redbull, the cursed thing that has done this to me. “I drank this after murdering Tirek. The only explanation as for how it gave me wings was that this drink’s tagline is ‘Redbull gives you wings’. So my guess is that this, being a year old, and being in a magical land full of ponies, made the slogan a reality. Discord was nearby when I killed Tired, so I assume he also had something to do with these.” I flapped my wings once.
“Please tell me that I won’t be a prince. I already deal with Celestia, Luna, and Cadence during Changeling Relations meetings and I hate that. So imagine how much I would hate having to run… I dunno, a dawn court or something. I think I would probably kill somebody long, long before I learn how to tolerate idiots asking me about their problems.”
“You handled day court quite well,” Celestia said before sipping on her tea. “I watched you the whole time, and it was quite refreshing to see a noble being yelled at for a change. It also was nice to see that softer side you seem to hide away while you were helping somepony get their money from their employer, which didn’t happen so I launched a full investigation into said employer.”
“Whoa there, Celly. I need to look like an asshat, so ponies will keep not liking me.”
“Whatever you say.”
“I don’t think I’d want you as a prince. You threw a brick at me, and hit me in the head!” Twilight said.
“You were holding a fucking friendship meeting! Who the flying fuck needs a meeting to be lectured about how to be a decent fucking friend? Your top priority was grabbing information from me and Chrysalis, instead of checking on your friends that just got harassed by Chrysalis! Your advice for when somebody’s mother dies is to tell them to grow the fuck up and move on! And you mean to tell me, that you should be hosting a goddamn friendship meeting?”
Twilight growled. “I know more about friendship than you! I’m the Princess of it, after all!”
“Sure you are. I pray every night for the poor bastards you ‘help’ everyday.”
“How dare you-“
“Hello! Welcome to McDonalds-“ my mouth was sealed tight by Chrysalis.
“Dear, we do not need to traumatize the Princess of Friendship. Equestria will burn to the ground under her rulership in about a century.”
“Oh yeah, a New Generation does pretty much fuck everybody over, right?”
“Hey dumbasses, stop breaking the fourth wall!” Nugget27 said before disappearing into the shadows.
“So, what would Fruit be the alicorn of?”
“Death.”
“What?” Cadence asked.
“You know, death. Blood for the Blood God as a famous pig once said. I did also ascend after murdering somebody with a pipe bomb, so I should be the Alicorn of Death! I need a cooler name if I do though… nah, I’ll just stick to being ‘Fruit’ for now. Also, I know it’s already in the news paper, but if you hold a god damn ceremony for me, I will jump off the balcony and kill myself.”
“Good luck with that,” Luna said before giggling. “I dropped a chandelier on myself and survived. I’ve watched Tia get stabbed in the heart during battle, and she immediately took off that griffon’s head! So if you plan on killing yourself, nothing short of erasing yourself from existence will work, Fruit Punch. But we won’t hold a ceremony for you if you don’t want one.”
“By the way, Fruit, we will be hosting an awards ceremony for the pony that defeated Tirek, would you-“
“Nah. Just say he tripped on a tree stump and died.”
“Fruit, it says Tirek exploded and that you, specifically a brown alicorn that had a strange capsule,” Chrysalis then pulled out my pipe bomb book while Luna spoke. “Shortly before Tirek was killed, everypony, I mean everypony, knows about you. Stallions would like to be you, and mares wish to be in bed with you. You’re going to that award ceremony.”
I pulled out my shotgun, put it in my mouth, and pulled the trigger- oh wow, I’m not dead… god dammit, that just tasted like a ghost pepper without any of the spice. “Well shit!” Great, now suicide wasn’t an option if something really dumb happens to me. Like say… actually nevermind, the Pinkie's Party was pretty fun. If I get dragged out to Ponyville for a friendship lesson, then I will commit several very illegal activities.
“You know Fruit… those wings look good on you,” Chrysalis said in a voice that screamed thirst. Oh great, now I can arouse my girlfriend easier… “And I’m willing to bet that you’d look handsome when you get even taller!” Wait, wait, wait, hold it, what? “Yes Fruit, you’ll start growing taller, and by about twenty years!” Chrysalis then planted a kiss on my cheek and my wings popped out. “Haha! I love when pegasi and alicorns do that when I kiss them!”
Sick, I can now have wing boners and normal boners. Great! Now Chrysalis has a reason to tease me even more now… actually, I’ll welcome that change with open arms.
So you know about that little ceremony? The one where I would get some sort of medal for defeating a great evil? Turns out that it was happening not even the day after I totally kicked Tirek’s ass without getting my ass handed to me. And low and behold, Chrysalis had to pin me down and stick a suit on me before we went to the castle for the ceremony. After this, I am going to go perform a satanic ritual that will somehow turn me into a mortal alicorn.
You want to know why I want to be mortal? Because Celestia decided that I should give a fucking speech. I want to die. So here I was, thinking of a generic, stupid speech about how ‘I didn’t do it for fame or glory, but to save us all’, but instead I have a better idea for a speech. So, while I waited for Celestia to stop going on about how brave and strong I am, I took out a couple dandelions and snacked on them. I would’ve eaten seven of them, but Chrysalis said ‘no’ and took them away.
God dammit Chrysalis, I’m glad you’re looking after my health and whatnot, because drugs are bad, but c’mon! You let me drink beer and sniff all sorts of shit that wasn't good for me when I was mortal! “Please welcome Equestria’s newest Prince, Fruit Punch!” Celestia’s voice broke into a slight cheer and my head began to hurt. Celestia, you fucking snake, you found a way to turn this in an an inauguration ceremony! You bitch, you were even wearing the same heavily ornamental dress you wore at Twilight’s inauguration!
I stepped out onto the balcony and took a quick peek. Oh wow, about a fuck ton of ponies were standing around, waiting for me to give my very awesome speech. Mmm, stage fright, yes. Why did I want to be a comedian again? Wait- I can’t be a comedian anymore since now everybody is just gonna laugh along to whatever terrible joke I make because I’m royalty now! Celestia, I am going to stick a whoopee cushion under every single fucking chair with your name on it.
I stepped onto the podium, where there was a surprisingly fancy looking microphone waiting for me to yell into it. “Uh… hey. So I could go on, and on, and on about how hard I worked to become an alicorn, or how hard my fight with Tirek was, but I won’t. Because… I don’t know how I grew a pair of wings and I’ve only got two working theories currently for that as well. And like, my fight with Tirek wasn’t even a fight. He kicked my ass, but I somehow tricked him into thinking an incredibly dangerous explosive was magical container.
“And I could talk about how you can achieve dreams by working hard, but guess what? I’m the Alicorn of Brutal Honesty today, and I’ll just say that achieving those dreams isn’t about hard work. It’s about hard work and getting lucky. I’m only standing here today because I got lucky and was on vacation in the very city that Tirek decided to go for after Canterlot, and got even more lucky with the fact that he believed my terrible lie. So, don’t treat me like I’m a god, some incredibly talented-”
“Have my children!” some mare screamed from the crowd.
“No, Queen Chrysalis is already going to have those in a few months. As I was saying, do not fucking idolize me, or I will have a problem. So, as your new prince, if you start a cult in my name, I will burn your cult building to the ground and kill the leader, alright? Cool, now go fuck off somewhere while I go make sure I don’t have a panic attack. Bye!” I trotted away from the podium and… why the fuck were you dumbasses cheering?
You know, Changelings might have a literal Hive Mind, but I feel like Ponies all share one, stupid thought. “If you see alicorn, you must suck off because alicorn is great.” Because that speech was awful and I was two dandelions away from saying ‘some of you fillies and colts will die a horrible death before you can even begin to achieve your dreams’. So maybe it was a good thing that Chrysalis took my dandelions away last second.
“Alright, if you fuckers need me, I’m gonna head down to the-”
“But Fruit, what about your inauguration party?” Celestia asked.
“Nah, mate nah, I ain’t going to have a party with a bunch of nobles. They already don’t like me, and I probably will commit murder if one of those fuckers tries to get friendly with me for some extra status.” I walked over to the balcony, spread my wings, and started to glide towards Ponyville despite how much I was told that I should stay for the party. Because apparently Pinkie Pie planned it and wanted me to be there. Surely, there won’t be any repercussions for this down the line!
Also, how did Twilight fuck up flying so hard when she first tried it, this is easy! I think as my wings give up when I’m only over the Everfree Forest. Well, this is going to hurt like hell, so while I’m falling, I want to tell you about today’s terrible sponsor, my grandma’s cookies. They’re great and have mostly salt in them because my grandma is really good at cooking- ow, ow, ow, ow. Okay my everything hurts a lot… and good as new. Bro, what the fuck happened to me after I grew wings?
Also, a cool abandoned castle in the middle of nowhere. Well, time to explore it!
So, I somehow got lost in about five footsteps. Man, I really need to obtain something called a sense of direction. Wait… oh, this is the Castle of the Two Sisters isn’t it? So isn’t this… that one place I almost visited until I got lost for five hours in this god forsaken forest the first time. With that I wandered around and might or might not have accidentally broken a vase here or there. With some help, I eventually found some scorch mark, likely where the heck Luna got her fucking ass handed to her by some magical artifacts.
Well isn’t this a lovely spot to do some demonic rituals. I began to draw out a little star on the scorch mark, because messing with ancient ruins is a good idea. Then I realized that I don’t even know how to do or perform demonic rituals, so I just started swearing at a picture of a smiley face for six hours straight. I got tired eventually and threw a rock at the smiley face in the scorch mark and it started glowing for some reason. I blinked a couple times and a lightning bolt struck the smiley face a couple of times.
“Who dares disturb me?” Now, standing in the scorch mark was an alicorn as black as the night sky. It was a mare, with fangs, snake-like eyes. She easily towered over me and was wearing some sort of armor. Her mane and tail were very similar to Luna’s, if not flowing a bit more wildly. “Ah, so one of my many cults has finally managed to give me a body of my own! At last, I am free from that wretched Princess Luna. Tell me stallion, how did you manage to free me?”
“I said the fuck word while dancing around the scorch mark you’re standing on. Also, don’t call Luna a wretched lady, she’s actually pretty chill when you get to know her. So, mind telling me what you plan on doing, Nightmare Moon? Because I really do not feel like dealing with an eternal night if you catch my drift. Also, one of your many cults- well, I always knew satanic rituals were real here!” I rubbed my chin. “Say, you mind not being evil for a long while?”
“Well, I suppose I am within your debt for freeing me…”
“Fruit Punch, you,” I felt a mysterious presence glare at me. “Nevermind, but I got a feeling that we probably met at some point. Anyways, I dunno how you’re going to repay that debt of yours… you see, I am a very demanding stallion, and I did just give you your own body to work with.” Oddly enough, Nightmare Moon did still look a lot like Luna, but taller and with the darker coat. “But… if you don’t try to kill me, cause eternal night, or any other shit, then I suppose I won’t summon the Elements of Harmony.”
“I know you’re bluffing, but I will play along with your requests. I will not cause any harm to anypony in Equestria for the time being.”
“Alright cool, thank you for understanding that. I would like to marry Queen Chrysalis before you cause the fucking apocalypse. I guess we should get you to Canterlot and share the news of your return, right?” Nightmare Moon nodded. “And while I would usually have a chariot ready, since I’m a Prince, I kinda crash landed and… okay, so I might have flown away from Canterlot to get out of a stupid as fuck party and I don’t know how to fly.”
“But you just… said you flew here.”
“I glided, actually, and then my wings gave out.”
“Well, worry not. I was a war charger shortly before my banishment to the Moon, so I can easily carry us both.” And what do you know, before I can even question it, Nightmare Moon picks me up with her forelegs and starts flying at full speed towards Equestria. Before I knew it, Nightmare Moon blasted through a window and landed in the middle of the ball room, where everybody that was there, stopped, stared at Nightmare Moon for five seconds and then went and stared back to where Luna and Celestia were standing.
“Hey guys, I might have… accidentally done something some cults have been trying for ages. Like, I gave Nightmare Moon a body by accident and now she owes me. She isn’t gonna do anything because I asked her to, but-” I was swept up in a sickly green magic and dragged over to Chrysalis. “So like, don’t do anything brash, since I think that Nightmare Moon just wants to vibe or whatever.”
“The Prince speaks the truth, I am in his debt. So now I would simply like to stand by your side as a fellow Princess of Equestria.” Nightmare Moon removed her helmet, and low and behold, there’s a more wild looking version of Luna’s usual hair style. “If you would accept my offer of peace, of course. If not, then I will readily accept that, as I still have a debt to pay to Prince Fruit. If his marefriend would allow me to do so.”
“Do not fucking tell me that you’ll try to get me in bed with you.”
“Well, that was the only way I thing I could’ve thought of, as many stallions would dream to bed me. Especially the ones running the cults that have been trying to give me a body for a while now.”
Celestia titled her head and glared at Nightmare Moon. “you will have to try your damn hardest to try and gain my trust, Nightmare. I know what you did to my sister, and it will be very, very hard for me to get over the things you did to violate her when you two have shared a body. So I will give you a chance, but if you try anything, I will banish you to the moon forever.” Celly then glared at me.
“Tell me, how in Equus did you bring Nightmare back, and why did you think it was a good idea to give her her own body.”
“Hey now, don’t look at me like that, I don’t fucking know how Nightmare has a body, nor do I know how the fuck I brought her back. I legit went to the Castle of the Two Sisters because I forgot how to glide for a bit, drew a smiley face with some chalk, and started swearing at it because I was gonna do something not satanic or demonic, but then remembered that… I don’t know how to perform a ritual. So considering it brought Nightmare Moon to life, I’m just as confused as you.”
“Fruit, I swear, I am going to have a stroke because of you one day.”
“You won’t even be affected by the stroke.”
“That is correct, but I will still have one.”
Some stallion walked up to Nightmare Moon and offered her a dance. Surprisingly, Nightmare Moon agreed and… oh fuck, I think somebody just courted Nightmare Moon. she was giggling as she danced along with the stallion and… oh boy did the stallion seem to enjoy it. Also, Pinkie Pie was standing in the corner of the room, with a deflated mane, and glaring at me.
Why does she have a butcher knife? I think I should run.