(Fruit’s POV)
So uh, I guess this is a thing now. Somebody got found in an alleyway, basically dead, and drained of all his magic. I don’t know why or how the hell his magic got drained, but I suppose it’s going to be my problem soon. You see, I am currently in Manehattan on vacation, just wandering around. I got to see the Statue of Harmony, and even see how much better with air pollution this place was in comparison to regular ol’ New York City. it was way nicer, and way cooler looking.
And also less murders, aside from the guy that got sucked dry of his magic. Other than that though, it's a lovely place!
For now, however, I’m just going to sit in my hotel room and pretend like I probably won’t die in the meantime. That’s a favorite pastime of mine, y’know? Thinking about dying, the dark void that is the afterlife and how dreadful and unbearing it is. Like what is on the other side? Oh look! Scatter wants a belly rub and I am more than happy to meet her demands! What a cute little Changeling! Skitter sat in the corner with a crossword puzzle, occasionally looking up at Scatter and shaking his head.
I did bring my shotgun and a couple of pipe bombs, because it’s best to be prepared, so if I do run into whatever is draining people of their magic, I will just shoot them on sight. How hard can it get? When in doubt, kill the problem as violently as possible!
Also, I asked Chrysalis to keep watch over my timber wolves while I was away, and she agreed to have a couple changelings to watch over them for the time being. According to Skitter via the Hive Mind, said changelings absolutely love my pets, and might or might not be plotting to steal a timber wolf without me noticing. Damn cuddle bugs, taking my heart, possibly my kidney, and now my dogs. Skitter then snickered. “Mom just heard what those two drones were planning, and glared at them through the Hive Mind.”
I chuckled before being pulled into the leggy trap that was Scatter.
(Chrysalis’s POV)
“So Celestia, why have you summoned me today? We have had no meetings planned after all, so this must be quite important,” I asked as… Why is Cadence and Luna here? Well, mostly Luna since she had a mostly nocturnal sleeping patterns. Trust me, I would know, guards were snickering through the door during the morning when me and Luna were dating. They heard us doing that stuff in bed. “Did somepony get murdered and you would like to have one of my drones investigate it? Because that can be arranged very easily. I know a few drones who disguised themselves and became one of Equestria’s most highly acclaimed detectives.”
“No Chrysalis, this news is far graver than you might think. Have you heard of Lord Tirek?” Celestia asked. I nodded. “I believe you also understand the threat he imposes on your Hive, should he decide to drain them of magic as well, correct?” I nodded again. “Then I would like to ask for your personal assistance if Tirek does manage to get into the Crystal Empire. Fortunately, I have summoned Discord to track down and defeat Tirek for us, so hopefully it shouldn’t come down to this. But if it comes down to it, can I trust you to come to mine, and Equestria’s aid?”
“Of course, Princess Celestia, but I do have a simple thought on this. Particularly regarding a… stallion from another dimension that comes from a very, very violent race. We could just have Fruit Punch get on the case, Princess, he has bested everypony, aside from any alicorns or Changeling Queens, he’s met in singular combat. And that’s mostly because he is friends with two of all four alicorns in existence, and is currently dating the only Changeling Queen he knows of, and has a very strong preference of not hurting said Changeling Queen.
“I am sure you can load Fruit with various weapons and he’ll kill Tirek by accident by tripping on himself.”
“Chrysalis, I highly doubt Fruit will be able to take down a magically empowered, evil creature like Tirek. Even if he currently has his guards with him, Fruit will struggle, if not fail to bring down Tirek. This is with considering Fruit’s good luck.” In the corner, Twilight is moping in the corner, probably having learnt of Discord being the pony to be chosen over her to take down this new threat. “And I don’t think Fruit would bring his weaponry on vacation, since I think he would just like to rest and relax after being stuck in the dungeons with you for a day and a half.”
“Well, I suppose I should tell my Hive to lock down and go into hiding; the combined might of stolen pony and changeling magic would make defeating Tirek difficult should he ever become a problem.
(Fruit’s POV)
Okay so, it’s been about a week since the first pony showed up, and now there is a lovely headline on a newspaper that I was reading while I walked along. I told my guards to stay nice and safe in my hotel room, and said I would be safe with a couple muskets, two pipe bombs, and my shotgun. Luckily they actually listened, because they knew I was looking out for their well being, and stayed at the hotel room with a couple muskets to defend themselves should they have to.
Oh right, the newspaper. So it turns out that Discord got reformed and I never got to speak with him yet, which is odd since he likes chaos and chaos reigns wherever I go. The most important part about that fact is that… he found out who was stealing magic, it was the magic eating centaur I read up on a while ago. The main problem is, he is now helping that centaur steal magic from ponies, and sorta stole a whole crowd’s worth of magic today. So I’m a tiny bit on edge while heading down to the market for some apples.
I just had a craving for some apples, because I’m still unmedicated and forgot my dandelions at home, so here I am. Also, Skitter and Scatter wanted some apples, so like, it was fair that I go buy a bunch of apples for them. What? They are really good at doing puppy eyes, okay? Like it’s to the point where it’s so damn cute that I can’t not do what they ask of me. They don’t even know that I find it adorable, they just do it unintentionally and I can’t help myself. So I squish their faces and promptly go get them whatever they want.
Why is everybody going in the opposite direction I was going in? And why do they all look very panicked?
“Ah Fruit Punch! I’ve been meaning to meet you in person for a while now!” oh hey, a creature that looked like a snake had sex with at least forty different animals popped in out of nowhere. I think this was discord, but I’m not so sure. “How’s it going, my little chaos maker?” Somehow, he got himself a whole tea set and started mixing some sugar into a tea cup that wasn’t there. “By the way, I love what you did to Twilight and her friends while pretending to be a fast food worker- unfortunately, we cannot talk for very long, for I have a friend that needs your magic.”
I tripped over myself and a pipe bomb fell out of one of my backpacks. Why was I carrying a pipe bomb into a market? Be prepared, as Scar says. And I am certainly not leaving the hotel room with a magically enhanced, psychotic bitch running around that happens to steal magic.
With that, Discord took the lid off of his tea kettle and out came a red and black centaur… that is one ugly bitch. “Yo, I got something better for you than unicorn magic.” I grabbed the pipe bomb that fell out of my bag, a nice, strong pipe bomb. “This here is a magic container. You see, I’m currently stealing other ponies’ magic as well, because I want to become an alicorn and burn this country to the ground, but if you need it more than I do to reach the same goal more, then you can have it!” This guy reminded me of… let’s just say I used this terrible joke in a bonus chapter already.
Angry mustache man is all you need to know.
“What a strange device… you say this contains a lot of magic, correct? Do you take me for a fool?”
“No I do not sir, I’m not even a pony. I hate friendship, I hate Princess Celestia, she stuck me in this world, hence my desire to burn her country to the ground and murder her. So I need all the magic I can get, hence that little device. All you gotta do is swallow it and… you’ll have the magical equivalent of seventy unicorns!” Tirek looked over the pipe bomb with a skeptical eye before grinning.
“You know, this does look like a legitimate magic container, if I must say so myself, Tirek,” Discord said with a huge, dopey grin. Oh you dickhead, you just helped me trick the Anti Christ… let chaos reign I guess.
“You know what? I like you, ‘human’, so first, I would like to thank you for this wonderful magic container. I will not spare your life, however, but thank you, my friend. You have just expedited how much magic I will gain from one living being!” And… he’s sucking my magic out of my body. Man, this does not feel good. I feel like a smelly, steamy sack of shit that’s on fire, and my head penis hurts now. Wow, what a great plan I have, and now I’m going to die. Tirek finished draining me, twisted the bottom of the pipe bomb, and popped it in his mouth.
So this is what sadness feels like.
He threw me to the ground shortly afterwards.
(Chrysalis’ POV)
“So your new plan… is to have me, yourself, and the rest of the alicorns in Equestria to go and give all of our magic to Twilight, correct?” I said, laying down a newspaper with the headline stating exactly what had happened with Discord.
“That is correct. Discord has… strayed away from our good graces and has joined Tirek. This is our last hope of stopping Tirek once and for all. All we must do now is buy Twilight Sparkle time after we have lended her our magic, and pray that she, with all our magic, can defeat our old foe.” I shrugged, and did as told, and directed a spell at Twilight, who had a very serious look on her face. I fired it at her and… I could feel my magic leave my body. I feel so… drained and empty now.
Now the only thing on my mind was fear and worry. Will my Hive be safe? Has Fruit Punch managed to keep himself and his guards safe- a giant ‘kaboom’ shook the entire palace and everypony blinked a couple times. What in the world just… happened? Did Tirek just make his way to the Crystal Empire? Well… it’s been a long run, but maybe, just maybe I will finally see an end. I wish the end could’ve been after Fruit Punch proposed to me, but I feel… at ease with the new situation unfolding.
(Back to Fruit)
I groaned as I picked myself up off the ground. What the heck just happened? I pulled out a can of Redbull, which was a year out of date, and drank the whole thing to help shake off the dazed feeling I was having. God my ass is itchy, if only I had fingers to scratch it with.
Oh… Tirek’s head is on the ground next to me with a shocked expression. Why the hell is everybody around me cheering? Why am I being stared at? Like bro, my head hurts, and so does my entire body! Like dude, please, please shut the hell up. I don’t care about what’s happening, I just want to buy my apples! “Somebody send a message to Canterlot! The Princesses must be told about what this incredible stallion has done for us!”
What was the mayor going on about? I don’t fucking know. I began to check myself over and… I have wings now. What? Wait no, those are just scrape marks from when Tirek threw me across the ground. On the bright side, I’m not dead, and… oh wat? Okay, so those scrapes aren’t just scrapes, those are feathers. Why do I have wings? Oh god no, stop. I don’t want wings, I pondered the idea here and there, but I really don’t want wings. I’m scared of heights, please do not- my wings popped out and… jesus christ, I’m an alicorn now.
Uh… I got up and slunk away into an alleyway after everybody stopped staring at me. Why the fuck do I have wings? Why couldn’t I stay a unicorn? Why the hell am I dragging Tirek’s head with me? Like bro, what is wrong with me? Why… I pulled out a radio. “Hey Skitter, Scatter? Are y’all still at the hotel?”
“Yes sir, we’ve been playing checkers and then we heard an explosion and have been hiding under the bed.”
“Cool, meet me at the train station in ten minutes. I wanna go home. I just killed a man.”
“Sir? What are yo-”
“Don’t ask, please. I have another situation that I really do not want to talk about until we meet up.”
Ten minutes later, I was at the train station, and Scatter and Skitter dropped in from the ceiling out of nowhere. “Fruit! Are you… why do you have wings?” Skitter paused as he looked at the centaur’s head I was dragging around. “And why are you dragging Tirek’s head with you… you killed Tirek didn’t you?”
“I got him to swallow a pipe bomb and he exploded, I guess.”
Skitter grinned. Why were you grinning? “Good work, sir. Let’s head back to Canterlot as soon as possible.”
(Chrysalis’s POV)
“Tirek is dead. They said some light brown alicorn was found at the scene of Tirek’s body, which was blown to smithereens. To the point that only his head was remaining. It, according to eyewitnesses, was a rather gruesome sight to behold, but they were just glad the Tirek was taken down.” Twilight’s jaw dropped and her head hung lower. Mine, and the rest of the alicorns have had their magic restored and I was no longer wishing for death. As for Fruit’s whereabouts, I have not been notified recently by Skitter or Scatter, which is mildly concerning.
Suddenly another messenger ran into the throne room, bowed, and handed Celestia the envelope. “Chrysalis, you… may want to have a look at this.” I was handed a photo while Celestia began to read. “The light brown alicorn mysteriously disappeared, along with Tirek’s head, shortly after the discovery of said brown alicorn. This ‘unknown prince’ seemed to be genuinely shocked about having wings.”
“But… aren't there only four alicorns?” Twilight asked, now genuinely shocked at that.
“It appears we have a new one, and I know him very well,” I said before turning the photo around and levitating it over to Twilight. “Fruit seems to be the one responsible for Tireks death… and he looks quite sexy while covered in his fallen enemy’s blood if I must say so,” I grinned. Now I get to permanently keep Fruit Punch for the rest of eternity! Before we could continue, a magical mirror popped up in front of my face, and there Fruit was.
“Hey Chryssy, I dunno if you got the news or not, but I think I’m gonna be an alcoholic from now on. Also I have wings. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, for all I know, I am drunk and this is a hangover… uh happy birthday, I guess?” Fruit levitated Tirek’s head up and I began to smile. “I found the guy that was stealing magic, so that’s cool! And I learnt that pipe bombs are insanely effective at ending free trials of life for immortal centaurs, so that’s cool. Also, I met Discord for the first time, and I wanna gut him for introducing me to Tirek.”
Fruit yelped. “And can somebody help me fold these wings? I don’t think a human being should have access to six separate limbs, ever. Especially me! I want- oh thanks Skitter for the booze.” With that, the magical portal disappeared and everypony just sat and blinked.
“Well, on the bright side, Tirek won’t be taking over Equestria any time soon,” I chuckled, thinking of what my favorite little stallion would look like with the stature of Celestia. Now, from now on, he can no longer complain about his vertically challenged stature, since I believe he will no longer be short in a couple of years.
“Celestia, let’s all hop on the train and head back for Canterlot. We will meet Fruit halfway, since his train will have to stop there anyways.”
Celestia grinned. “We can just take a Chariot, Chryssy. We’ll get there before Fruit Punch does and surprise him!”
(Fruit’s POV)
I opened my eyes, my back hurts, and my new wings ache. Jesus christ, I’m going to amputate these things if they do not stop popping out while I’m trying to nap. Like I have come to terms with being immortal and a god now, but like, these wings are annoying! I don’t give a fucking shit if they’re the nicest wings in the world, or how I can wing hug Chrysalis now… okay I won’t amputate them yet, I want to wing hug Chrysalis now. At least once before I get a chainsaw and chop them off.
Well, now my parents can’t ‘send me to Jesus’ if they somehow end up in Equestria.
The train came to a stop and low and behold, everybody was staring at me, because my wings decided to pop open. Luckily, they weren’t flailing about, but remained pointed upwards towards the train ceiling. Luckily nobody’s written down that there’s a new alicorn in town, and that he might be mentally insane because of the news of him being an alicorn. How the fuck did I even ascend? Did I finally accept that pineapple does belong on pizza?
Yeah right, I would rather suck Tirek’s dick before I accept that. Speaking of Tirek, everybody was pointing at everyone and wondering how Skitter and Scatter dragged the dead dude’s head through the train station. You know, because said dead dude was considered to be the most dangerous thing in Equestria. “Whoa… isn’t that the guy that was stealing everypony’s magic?” Was the general consensus that I heard amongst the whispers and the murmurs. I took out… fucking god dammit, no beer! Well, so much for that new year resolution I was gonna take, which was destroying my kidney with fermented grape juice
Eventually, we made it to my house, which was nice, polished and spotless. My wolves all jumped up at the sound of the door opening and started sniffing me over and saving me from having to preen my new wings. Oh fuck I have wings to preen now, god dammit it’ll taste so fucking bad! Okay, after I wing hug Chrysalis, I am going to have these wings ripped out of my back. I know a couple healing spells that’ll keep me from dying, so I think I can- the door slammed open and four alicorns and Chrysalis stormed into my house.
The alicorns had their wings spread out, probably to make themselves look more regal, and Chrysalis simply sat on her ass while trying to get a look at my wings from a distance. She looked very huggable right now. “Hello Fruit, how’s the wings?” Celestia asked. I promptly walked over to the bed, grabbed a pillow and started screaming into it. Why did you have to remind me that I have wings you fucking horse?