Big, big warning, voices in my head. I have a gun and I will kill something with it later. So if you’re squeamish about that, I will let you know beforehand, or you can skip this chapter.
So, since my last visit to Ponyville ended up with a musical number, six idiots being Cutie Mark swapped, and Twilight literally becoming a god, I decided, for some reason to go back to that god forsaken town, and visit something I didn’t get to visit the last couple of times I showed up. That would be the Everfree Forest. You see, unlike most forests, which have a chance of killing you, this one had a slightly higher chance of killing you with whacky shit like Timber Wolves, beasts made of wood, which is why I was back in Ponyville. There were other monsters like manticores, hydras, all sorts of shit.
“Fruit, you are not walking into that forest! Chrysalis will kill us if she finds out we let you walk in there alone!” Twilight was trying her best to hold me down with her hooves, which didn’t help much since her wings made up her entire body weight. “This is stupid! You’re going to get yourself killed for nothing, Fruit, haven’t you heard of how dangerous this forest is? It’s too dangerous for even Princess Celestia to have a nice, relaxing stroll through the Everfree!”
“Twilight, I have a gun, several muskets, and a bunch of bricks. If I die, it’s whatever. I mean, I more than likely won’t die, because again, I have a gun.”
“That stupid stick won’t save you, Fruit! Sure, it’s made of metal-” Twilight and several other ponies jumped when I pointed my shotgun up and fired a round into the air. Yes, I did check before I accidentally shot somebody or a bird. Did I now have hearing damage? Probably, but who cares? I got a gun and it’s cool.
“Twilight, this ‘metal stick’ is a weapon designed to kill basically anything as efficiently as possible. I’ll be fine,” I whacked Twilight over the head with the butt of the gun, before taking a deep breath. I also might have drawn a dick on Twilight’s face, but can you blame me for wanting to do that? Now that Barney the Purple Pony isn’t conscious, I can go visit the Castle of the Two Sisters, maybe find a new pet, anything really. When I heard about Everfree a while ago, I knew I had to check it out. Now, obviously it is very easy to get lost, so I have a paint brush and a bucket of white paint. I’m just going to… paint the ground as I go along.
Anyways, I’m now lost in the middle of the Everfree forest, because I left my paint bucket at home, but boy do I have a paint brush that I can lick later. It still smelled like paint, so maybe I can continue my terrible addiction to anything that gets me high or drunk. It’s really weird, since after I ended up in Equestria, I felt a stronger need to use said stuff that isn’t good for me to get high or drunk, but I guess it’s my little way of coping with one simple thing. The sun and moon are controlled by two ponies and I don’t want to think about it, hence the paint sniffing.
Head’s up, I kill something to death.
I heard a twig snap and I immediately brought up my musket and aimed at whatever the fuck was nearby. A lion head poked its head out and I immediately pulled the trigger; so I found a manticore and killed it. It fell out of the bush, dead. Wow, I am such a good person, shooting manticores for even showing up in my general vicinity- fuck, that could’ve been my pet cat! Oh well, I heard that Manticores are highly illegal to keep as a pet anyways.
Okay, thing dead, you can continue from here.
Too bad I don’t follow the law since I keep getting money out of vending machines via that dumb address trick. It was surprising how many wanted signs have cropped up asking about the ‘serial vending machine robber’ and how nobody guessed it was me. I’m not complaining, it’s easy money, meaning that I can continue to postpone opening that pizza shop I’ve been meaning to open for the last six months. Also, dunno how the fuck nobody’s noticed me being around minutes after a vending machine was broken into, stolen from, and then closed up afterwards.
Oh hey a pack of Timber Wolves were eating some dead guy they probably just murdered. I took out a notebook and started writing and taking notes, thinking of ways to obtain one and keep it as a pet. Because I am, or was, human, and all I see in front of me are dogs. Pony eating dogs, but still dogs. One raised its head and… immediately took notice of me and now it wants to kill me. Welp, my notes entirely consisted of two words, being ‘pet it’. So I’m totally gonna be able to tame these things.
“Hey uh…” the timber wolf was now almost nose to nose with me, and it kinda… stinks. Not in a bad way, but it smells kinda like wet mud. So really, it stunk, but in a good way. I felt my rear hit a tree, so now I’m completely screwed. Well, if I end up dying, then I’ll know if I’m high or not. “Heya…” I started to rub the timber wolf’s chin and its eyes widened in initial shock, before its eyes closed and began to lean into my hoof. Its leaf tongue hung out the side of its mouth while I scratched at it; I tamed a timber wolf!
Now isn’t that sweet? He’s still covered in blood! The timber wolf looked back at what I assume is its pack and made a haunting bark sound. And… Now I am being surrounded by at least five timberwolves, all of which are trying to get me to pet them, which I’m trying to do, but I’ve only got two arms to pet five wolves with. Holy shit, these guys were supposed to be dangerous? They’re literally just dogs that are larger than I am.
And covered in another man’s blood! That wasn’t disgusting or off putting at all.
One of them just licked me. I just now actually noticed that these things have leaf tongues! Okay, that’s cute. “So can you guys lead me out of here? I would like to see civilization in time for tomorrow, since I’m also here to try and partake in Nightmare Night, so-“ one of the timber wolves threw me on its back and started running in a random direction. Before I knew it- bro, I was only forty feet into the Everfree and I got lost? Man I am fucking stupid.
Also now everybody is screaming and running in fear of my new pack of dogs.
“Look out everypony! We got it-“ Apple Jack stopped in her tracks with a lasso in hand.
“Alright you five, no eating anybody, and I’ll feed y’all a bucket of fish each,” I put a bit of authority in my voice. To my surprise, one of the wolves nodded, and the others followed suit. I slipped off of… I guess I’ll call this one Woody, and went to take a bow. “Hello, sir Fruit Punch at your service!” I chuckled. “So I now just have a pack of timber wolves, so don’t mind me, m’kay, Jackie?”
“Who the hay are you calling Jackie-'' Apple took a step forward, hoof on her hat, like she was getting ready to beat my ass. Then Woody snarled and AJ immediately backed down. Wow, I now have changelings and wolves to keep me safe! I’m the luckiest man in the world! Twilight came crashing, probably because she hasn’t figured out how to fly yet, into the ground and got up immediately without showing a sign of injury.
“Where are the- Fruit! You didn’t die!” Twilight then watched as Woody laid his head on my shoulder, keeping his eyes locked on AJ just in case she tried to do anything. So this is what it’s like to own a dog? “Why are you standing next to a whole pack of timber wolves? Are you insane? What in Celestia- wait.” She paused as I petted a wolf. “You managed to tame a pack of timber wolves, didn’t you?” I nodded. “Not even Fluttershy could do that! How did you•
“If Minecraft taught me anything, I can give a wolf a bone, and it becomes a dog. So I guess massaging a pack of timber wolves turns them into dogs as well? It really wasn’t that hard to tame them. I just cornered myself and petted… I think it was Woody, I can’t remember, and boom! I get to own a dog now. Wait hold on,” I tossed a ball that I had on me for some reason, totally not to try and play fetch if I left with a timber wolf and…
Oh hey, Leafy(I know, creative naming) ran after the ball like a golden retriever.
“What the hay is Minecraft?”
“You know, Minecraft!”
Twilight's eyes twitched and many ponies stared in fear and awe as I and my pack of wolves made it to my hotel room. I closed the door and all five wolves immediately took up the bed, leaving me with the floor or chair. I used a magical communication spell on a mirror and Chrysalis was now staring back at me. “Ah Fruit! How was your trip to Ponyville? I will be coming tomorrow to partake in Nightmare Night, so you best remain in Ponyville for the next couple days.”
“Oh, trust me, I’m looking forward to Nightmare Night. Especially now that I’ve got five timber wolves to help with my costume.”
“What?” Chrysalis’s eye bugged out for a second. “Did you say you have, not one, not two, but five timberwolves?” I nodded. “And you plan on keeping them, don’t you?” I nodded again. “You are very, very lucky that changelings are not natural prey of those beasts, or I would have slapped you.” Woody now took the time to look at the mirror and tilt his head upon seeing Chrysalis.
“Listen, these guys really are overhyped. Like ‘oh sweet Celestia! Timber wolves are awful!’ And look at this!” I patted Woody on the head and his tongue hung out the side of his head as I began to move his little leaf ears with my hoof. Soon afterwards, his head ended up in my lap, and Chrysalis’s jaw had hit the floor. “If it looks like a dog, the monkey brain in me goes ‘cute dog’. Even if said dogs are made of wood.”
“Fruit, you surprise me everyday, and… you best give me a timber wolf puppy if your timberwolves ever reproduce. Because I have heard that timber wolf puppies are absolutely adorable, and I would like one.” I nodded. “Good, because if you said no, then I don’t know if I could stay with a puppy hog.”
“Oh come on now, blanket hogging is a bigger crime, and I still stay with you, blankie hogger!”
“You have fur to keep yourself warm and I don’t!” We both laughed.
“I love you,” Chrysalis reached a hoof before sighing. “Just be careful with your timberwolves, they can be quite unpredictable-“ She almost snorted when I yelped; Woody stuck his nose in my eye! It didn’t even hurt, it just felt weird and wet! How the fuck is its nose wet? Oh my fuck that felt weird as hell! Woody let out what sounded like a laugh before pinning me to the ground and… then dragged me up onto the bed, in between himself and another timber wolf. Okay, this feels really nice. “Goodnight Fruit!”
The next day, I sat outside of the train station with just two wolves with me. You see, I would’ve taken all five, but I don’t want my changelings or Chryssy to be bombarded by five adult timberwolves. I would’ve left them all back at the hotel, but like, these guys keep ponies away from me and I didn’t feel like dealing with ponies today. Eventually a train pulled in, Celestia’s private train that she loans to Chrysalis whenever Chrysalis needs it(as in Chrysalis borrows it without permission).
Also, yes, I did feed my wolves with a shit ton of fish, but upgraded to a fuck ton when they were licking their lips.
“Fruit!” Chrysalis pulled me into a hug while Skitter and Scatter sat on their rumps, mimicking the timber wolves before them. Chryssy and I stopped our little reunion to make sure the meeting between my guards and pets would go over smoothly. Skitter patted one wolf on the head while Scatter hugged the wolf in front of her. Well, that’s good, changelings and timber wolves get along!
“Chrysalis, it’s only been two days since you’ve last seen me.”
“Fruit, two days without you is two days I do not get to have you. I am nigh immortal, Fruit. I will not die unless I choose to stop eating food, or if I were to get killed by a very, very strong magical blast. While you are old and gray, I will look exactly like this, watching you on your deathbed, Fruit. I love you and cherish you deeply, thus why I want to make sure I spend every second I can with you.”
“Ah, the curse of immortality.” Chryssy raised an eye ridge. “We mortals cherish life because we know everyday could be our last, and we get to see new things everyday. Gods, or immortals, don’t get that privilege of enjoying life to the fullest because they don’t have to fear death. And in your case, you feel the need to spend every moment that you can with those you love.” I shrugged. “Some dingus named Achillies said that and it really does have some merit to you. As much as immortality is a blessing, it’s a curse.”
I kissed Chrysalis. “For me, it's a blessing since you’ll always be incredibly pretty. Though you’d still look nice and pretty if you were mortal and old!” I kissed Chrysalis on the nose, which made her move her head back in initial shock. “Don’t worry, we’ll spend a lot of time together. In fact, when we head to the Great Galloping Gala, I have a surprise for you.” Chrysalis’s eyes widened before she started giggling like a schoolgirl. Her cheeks were kinda reddening up.
“Ohoho, Fruit! If it is what I think it is, then I cannot wait-“ Chrysalis and I got tackled by one of the timberwolves and we both started laughing as we got assaulted by the leaf tongue of death.
“I see that you two are enjoying yourselves,” oh there’s Luna. “So Fruit, how did you manage to tame a pack of timber wolves?”
“Chin scratches.”
“Sounds about right.” The three of us laughed and we began to walk along while my guards played with my wolves. Just found out that Chryssy and Luna have dated in the past, so that’s neat. I guess being immortal makes you more willing to swing both ways, especially in a country like Equus where the female to male ratio is so skewered. Then again, I think that swinging both ways is just a normal thing for ponies.
Who knows? I might hit Skitter up one day- no, that would be weird. Mostly because I’m dating, and will be marrying, his mother. So in a sense, he’ll be my adoptive son.
One of my wolves trotted up to Luna, tilted its head and Luna gave it the side eye. Not a moment later Luna’s eyes are wide, covered in timber wolf spit, and the timber wolf that licked her was laughing. The fact that these things can laugh so similarly to a human being is kinda scary and hilarious at the same time. “Well, I see that your particular wolves are not that dangerous; I will make sure to write a permit for you when we return to Canterlot.”
Maybe I shouldn’t tell Luna that these particular timber wolves were literally eating a dead pony when I met them. That would definitely put a damper on her moods towards my pets. I’m not affected by that face because I’m an insensitive prick that capitalizes off of animalistic reactions from the public, because I’m a hero- I mean, comedian. Death is funny.
“So, what are your costumes for Nightmare Night?” I asked.
Luna immediately turned into Nightmare Moon, how I knew it was, don’t ask because when I met Nightmare Moon, it wasn’t cannon. “I usually participate in scaring children in this form, I hate being in this form as it brings up bad memories, but the children love it, so I will put up with it tonight.” Chrysalis giggled. “And Chrysalis thought transforming into my sister’s corrupted form would work very nicely alongside myself.” On cue, Chrysalis transformed into Daybreaker, why do I know the name? Don’t question it, I heard it from a little bird from another universe.
His name was also Fruit Punch, funnily enough. He was dead, so he must be right. Another told me that I met Chrysalis at a wedding in another timeline and got kidnapped shortly after kissing her.
Both mares promptly turned back into their more natural forms. “So Fruit, I heard you were going to be using your new pets to help aid you with your costume?” I nodded.
“I was gonna just use some white cloth, glue some sticks to it, and be a forest spirit. I learnt how to make my eyes glow with magic, so I can make the illusion work. And because I am such a nice guy, I won’t scare children too badly.”
“I believe that the town’s children would like it if you tried to traumatize them, sir,” Skitter pointed out.
“True.”
“Fruit! You didn’t tell me you were in town!” a little filly wearing a crown came running towards me, and I immediately recognized who it was. Diamond Tiara came to a complete stop and started trembling in fear. Oh right, two big, pony eating animals were right in front of this child. One of my wolves, sensing the filly’s fear, trotted over and sniffed her.
“Scoob, do not, I repeat, do not eat that child-” Diamond Tiara’s scream turned into giggles as the timber wolf began to tickle her with its tongue. For an animal that really likes to eat ponies, these wolves were oddly friendly- of course they were, they weren’t hungry and had a nice, healthy filling of fish. Scoob eventually flopped down and Diamond called Silver Spoon over and the two of them eventually started to play tag with the timber wolf. My other wolf even joined in and so did several other children.
If only cameras were capable of recording video, because I would one hundred percent film this for later.
There’s a spell for that actually. Time to rob Twilight’s house of her magical equation book. Did I say rob? I meant permanently borrowing her spell book..