“So Fruit, how would you like to leave the castle?” I asked Fruit as we walked through the hallways of the Crystal Castle. Now, on one hoof, we could walk out of the front door, but I wanted to do something in style. You see, I only look fragile, but I could probably outfly quite a few pegasi without struggling while carrying Fruit with me. Now, would any skilled pegasi be faster and more agile? Yes, yes they would. Would this stop me from treating this lovely little stallion to the feeling of a strong breeze as your wings carry you through the skies? No.
“Uh… weren’t we just gonna walk? I mean, we could also teleport, but those sound like two very practical methods of travel that we can make use of,” Fruit stopped once he saw me eyeballing a balcony. “Oh, I see what you want to try…” the stallion closed his eyes, took three deep breaths, and reopened them. “Aren’t you worried about… I dunno, me falling?” I looked up to my horn and magicked him over to me via levitation. “Oh right, you can just catch me. Well, if you wanna fly us to that restaurant, then I can’t really stop you-”
Before Fruit could even finish his sentence, I ran towards the balcony and jumped off with Fruit in my magic. I then spread my wings out, wrapped my forelegs around my date’s chest, and started to fly at great speeds towards the restaurant I was hoping to check out. Fruit, being the shining example of a strong stallion, started screaming and cursing at several octaves higher than his normal speaking voice. I now know that humans really like the word ‘shit’ for some reason. As for why, I don’t know, but I can assume that humans have a weird affinity for feces.
I made sure to land softly so I wouldn’t accidentally crush my date, and Fruit stumbled away from me, laughing like a maniac. “Oh that was awesome! Let’s do it again!” I cocked a metaphorical eyebrow(I don’t have eyebrows).
“Were you not screaming about how you’re screaming about how you were scared of heights?”
“So what? It was fun! Yeah, being that high off the ground was kinda scary, but I like the adrenaline rush I get from it!” Fruit stumbled, wheezed, and leaned on one of my legs as he regained his footing. “Now I wish I had wings…” Fruit tapped his chin before grinning. “There’s a way to get wings through means of magic!”
“Fruit, there are only two ways. Either you ascend, as in you find an answer in life for a question that you were not meant to know the answer to, or you use dark magic. One is heavily implausible and the other is something that I am not going to let you do,” I glared at the stallion while he shrugged. “And any other way to gain wings would not provide you with real wings, as those ways are illusions or purely cosmetic spells.”
“Meh, I’ll find a way.”
“If you do, then you will be renowned as the brightest unicorn in all of history, surpassing Twilight!”
“Isn’t Twilight the same pony that can’t figure out how to be a good friend to save her life? Like she was more intent on questioning us over checking on the friends that just got harassed by a heavily influenced unicorn,” Fruit shrugged. “I mean, I’m sure she could make any college work I’ve done look like child’s play, but you mean to tell me that that bitch is smart?”
“Well, she is gifted with magic, you cannot deny that.”
“Magic doesn’t mean shit if you get knocked out before you can use it,” Fruit pointed out.
“Or if somepony is fighting you and you go feral again.”
“Hey now, I only whacked Shining Armor over the head for ten minutes straight while being feral. I’m not that dangerous,” Fruit waved with a hoof.
“Fruit, you claimed in your diary that you don’t know what you’re doing in terms of combat,” we entered the restaurant and I told the mare up front about the reservation I made. “And you’re capable of knocking out one of the strongest unicorns in the country. If you wanted to, you could become a genuine threat and you choose not to,” Fruit simply snorted at that. The waitress led us to a table, which was at a window, which was nice. My date chuckled, like he had been thinking about something.
“I could take over the world, but then there’d be nobody to tell my terrible, not funny jokes to,” Fruit waved a hoof before picking up one of the menus we have been provided with. “Plus then I would have to commit some mild genocide to take over the world. And if I did that, then I wouldn’t have my favorite… I guess ponies would work for this term? I wouldn’t have my Changelings to keep me company, and I like having Skitter and Scatter around.” Fruit took a sip of water.
“Nor do I get to date an adorable bug queen,” I felt heat in my cheeks begin to rise a little at that. Even if I know that I try to be cute at times to try and swindle my friend, now boyfriend, it was still nice to hear that from his mouth rather than just sense what he’s feeling.
“I didn’t know you would be so flirtatious when I asked you out, Fruit.”
“Well, I did drink seven cups of magically enhanced coffee before this, so I might be running off a little too much energy; I am now more mentally ill now, and this time, it’s to another person’s delight.”
“Fruit, that much caffeine is not good for your heart, nor will it be good for your digestive system.”
“Oh I know; I threw up all of that coffee. It’s kinda cool to see how liquid pretty much goes untouched for a bit. The coffee was a wee bit more brown and acidic, but throwing up should keep me from having the runs.”
“So, have either of you made up your minds on what you would like to get?” A waitress asked. She was a cute little unicorn, wearing a waitress uniform, with a notepad and pencil suspended in her magic. I nodded while keeping a sharp eye on what Fruit would do in the presence of a cute pony that wasn’t me. Well, I didn’t register as a pony, but Fruit is mine, and I am not sharing him.
(Fruit’s POV)
God dammit Chrysalis, you hijacked the story’s perspective twice now, what the fuck? This time it wasn’t even warranted since I’m still conscious. This is all just a fun way of saying that I should stop being sentient. “I’ll take the…” Chrysalis paused for a moment and eyed me while she was ordering. “Poached egg soup with beet broth,” she finished. Her eyes were dead set on me, while mine were dead set on the menu. Is now a good time to mention that I haven’t actually read the menu? Oh god, I got mad at people who take fifteen years to order at Mcdonalds, and here I am being the same type of idiot to take ten years to order a Big Mac.
I’ve become everything I hated, am I happy? No, the answer’s no, I’m sad, very sad.
“I’ll get two grilled fish filets with poached egg.” Wow, this place really liked eggs. Every other item on the menu had some kind of egg in it. The waitress nodded, gave a cheery, genuine smile and went to probably deliver our order to the kitchen for it to be made. Wait a fucking- this restauraunt has pizza with a tag line ‘Inspired by Chef Fruit Punch’. And the picture wasn’t even of an actual pizza! It was that stupid bread and topping bullshit- there was pineapple in it. Fuck it, I am- no, I cannot spread my pizza recipe, I need that to make bank.
It would be nice to not have to borrow money from Chrysalis even if she says she doesn’t mind it.
“So, who’s your favorite drone?” I asked after taking a sip of water. Oh god dammit, why is half the cup full of ice? Like… it’s not even pop or something where you should cut down on how much you give a customer. Fuck it, my horn ignited and I quickly heated up the ice to a point where it would melt, but not the point where it would boil and then not be fun to drink.
“Well… I can’t say I have a favorite drone, since they’re all my children, but I do like to be in Scatter’s company. She’s a smart little thing, an excellent worker, and is absolutely adorable! She also happens to be one of the Hive's more deadly combatants, hence why she is guarding you,” Chrysalis looked me over with narrow eyes. “I say she could probably beat you in a fight, but I know she’s not going to want to fight you.”
Oh cool, she ignored my display of magic.
“For starters, you might go feral and put her in an infirmary, and she probably wouldn’t want to hurt you. I hear about how well you treat my little changeling, and how you let her suck love from you whenever she’s hungry,” Chrysalis raised what looked like an equivalent to an eyebrow. “She would be more likely to try and cuddle with somepony than to actually harm them, unless she, or her clients are in danger.”
“It still surprises me as to just how cuddly you bugs are. Like Skitter is kinda into being hugged while he’s napping, and he’s not even that cuddly! You use me as a stuffed animal and then there’s Scatter. Scatter, your bravest, smartest warrior, loves belly rubs, ear rubs, and a massage between the wings. Heck, she’s probably found a random Crystal Guard by now and-
(Off in the distance, a guard threw his helmet and Scatter promptly chased after the discarded headgear. The drone then brought the helmet back, only for the guard to toss it again. “That is adorable!” Another guard cooed as he watched a changeling act like an Equestrian Retriever. Scatter then returned and licked the same guard on the cheek, which made him faint.)
“Here is your food,” the waitress magicked our food, which were in a bowl and a plate for Chrysalis and my food respectively, and handed us both some silverware to consume our dishes with. You know, I have some money on me from earlier, since after I broke into that vending machine, I may have taken the bits out of it. I’m gonna give all of these bits to that waitress, because working in food service sucks dick.
Like it sucks dick harder than I would if I weren’t straight.
“So, since you read my diary, I assume you know about my deepest, darkest secrets?” I asked, hoping to get an idea of what my date now knew about me because of it. Chrysalis nodded, while looking kinda mad. “You aren’t mad about me being a comedian, right?”
“No, I like that about you, even if you suck at being a comedian.”
“Accurate and hurtful, m’am.” Ouch, my pride.
“I am mostly mad at your parents. You had a dream and your parents decided to disown you when you go to pursue it! How do you-“
“Meh, it was kinda freeing. My parents tried to control every little aspect of what I should be, and so being disowned was kinda freeing. I could do what I want, be what I want, I got to be a person! Heck, I almost hugged my mom when she decided to disown me, but I think I would've gone to jail for assault if I did. Really, it’s not that big of a deal, since I was probably not gonna speak to them again once I moved out.”
“You humans confuse me. Here in Equestria and even my Hive, family is everything, yet it seems like you humans have very weak familial bonds which can be severed over something as small as a passion. Even I keep in touch with rogue drones of my Hive just to make sure that said rogues are fine and healthy. And if they are not, I send drones to aid them, because at the end of the day, a rogue drone is still my child and I want to look after them.”
“Eh, human families are weird. Sometimes dad’s not in the picture, sometimes mom isn’t. Other times they’re present and hate each other, and other times they’re present and make you wanna kill yourself. It’s not even a fact that familial bonds are weak, which they aren’t, it’s a literal instinct to care for your family’s well being. You see, we humans are terrible, awful, foul creatures that pretend to be better than what we are sometimes.”
Fruit, quit trying to be deep.
“Most of us are also incredibly dumb, like myself, and talk about shit that they don’t know squat about. Really, it’s an odd thing and partially why I wanted to get a psychology degree when I went to college. I could understand what the fuck was wrong, use some basic common sense, and then try and fix what was wrong. Or tell jokes and pretend like the said problem doesn’t exist.”
I took a bite of my fish and… holy shit, who the fuck stuck crack in this shit? Like it’s addictive, flavorful, and incredible! Like the fish, despite me not particularly liking seafood, it had a really nice, melty texture to it. It’s almost like a really fancy, well cooked piece of beef. How would a broke college student know what fancy beef tasted like? I stole some one day and stuck it in the microwave for twelve minutes.
Boy did I have several health problems shortly afterwards.
(Nobody told Fruit that the beef he stole was seven weeks past the expiration date. Not even his doctor that was actually some random actor)
“Yo,” I called a waitress over. Said waitress trotted over to our table and gave me a weary look. “I ain’t gonna yell about you over the food sucking, because it doesn’t, but can I meet the chef? I wanna ask him if he drugged me or something, because this stuff slaps harder than my abusive ex in high school.” Chrysalis raised an eyebrow at that and the waitress nodded.
“You had a girlfriend?” I nodded before snickering. Nah Chryssy, I didn't get to have a girlfriend; I busy being forced to study college level math by my parents.
“I can take you directly to the kitchen if you’d like; the head chef is a bit busy at the moment.” Well, I might as well check this shit out. The unicorn led me across the dining room and down the hall, where a door led to, well, a kitchen. “Be careful, the head chef can be… a bit rough with his language.”
“Oi you idiot! Why the fuck are you trying to microwave that fish? Again? I turned my back for five fucking seconds and you immediately try doing that shit!” That sounded Scottish and angry. “Don’t look at me like an idiot! Go fucking grill that fish before I grill you and serve you to a customer!” The chef was a ram, who looked like if you took some guy named Gordon and had him have sex with a goat. Not gonna lie, he kinda reminds me of a certain Gordon I know of.
“Chef,” the Ram immediately perked up.
“Yes dear, did somebody receive this idiot’s terrible excuse of a fish filet?” The Ram asked.
“No, somepony was hoping to ask if you stuck ‘crack’ in his fish.”
“Yo,” I waved, and the chef offered me a hoof and we shook. “So you’re the guy who made my fish?”
“Yes I did, because this idiot decided to try and serve microwaved food to everybody, like an idiot sandwich!”
“H-he just fell out of the sky and took over my kitchen! I've been berated for six days straight about how I’m a terrible chef!” The poor bastard, who was microwaving a fucking salad, cried as the microwave caught fire. He began to panic and shocked himself when he poured water on it.
How he didn’t die, I dunno. He was an earth pony, so he must be part ground type.
“I could sense a dumbass running a kitchen, and I was right, you fucking donut!” Okay, so Gordon Ramsey may or may not have fallen to the same fate I have, or this guy just acts very similarly. Or Gordon is god and can hop across dimensions. “God damn! I know children who’d cook better than you, you fucking idiot!” The Ram then extinguished the fire and apologized for swearing like a sailor.
“Anyways, I was just stopping by to say that I love what you did with the fish, I’ll get out of your hair. So have a good day!”
“Cheers, mate!” The Ram waved as I quickly returned to where Chrysalis was sitting.
“So, how was the chef?”
“You didn’t hear him cursing like crazy?”
“Oh I did, but he sounds like a lively individual when he isn’t shouting at his apparently incompetent staff.” Both of our eyes slowly drifted over to The Ram dragging out the actual chef who had burnt water somehow, out of the restaurant and out the door. There was also that salad that got microwaved which smelled a lot like sadness and depression.
“Get your sorry ass out of here! And go tell your mum just how fucking sorry you are for being stupid!”
Anyways, we scarfed our food down, well, we ate quickly but savored the food. There was no reason for this to taste so good, and I’ll be sad when I eventually eat again and be heavily disappointed at how sad it is. Unless Chryssy cooks it, then it would be really good. “Tonight went well,” Chrysalis said while snickering at the poor chef, who was now sipping his burnt water and sitting outside.
Like how the fuck did you get past culinary school? Even Squidward would be a better cook than you!
“Yeah it did-“ Chrysalis snatched me up and snarled. “So when’s the next date?” I asked. What? Skitter’s hiding somewhere and I got an overly protective girlfriend; I’m safe from all harm!
“There you are! I’ve been following you for a long time!”
“Who the fuck are you?” I asked.
“I’m Money Snatcher! I broke out of jail, just so I can ruin your day for ruining mine eight months ago!”
“Skitter, don’t,” the Changeling then dropped in from an invisible ceiling(wat), and tilted his head.
“But sir, he’s-“
I then pulled out a calculus textbook and slammed it into Money Snatcher’s face. “Read page one to page four hundred seventy-two, I will test you tomorrow! Study and become the doctor!” Oh, he’s knocked out. Maybe I shouldn’t have slammed the book into Money Snatcher’s head. Will I get sued for assaulting the same pony twice? Probably not since Skitter just dragged Money Snatcher’s body away after wrapping the poor bastard in duct tape.
“Well, study when you become conscious and stuck behind bars, my friend.” Chrysalis snorted before picking me up and hauling me away bridal style.
At least I know who’s wearing the pants in this relationship.