Queen Chrysalis had changed forms into Fruit Punch(it just made sense to do so) as she flipped to the first page of her friend’s diary, while making sure to keep the page Fruit was on intact. She cleared her voice and began to read.
“Dear Diary,
Entry one. 16/12/04
So I bought this book a while ago, and I dunno how to format these since I bought this purely to sink my time into rather than focus on any actual issues that I have. For instance, I’m sad and lonely, so I bought this thing to talk to instead of making friends at college. My mom and dad kinda cut all contact with me after I had told them that I was going to college for comedy, even if I could’ve been a really good psychiatrist with a psychology degree I was also going to school for. Fortunately, I have a decent part time job that pays well, so I won’t be starving, but I guess I’m kinda stuck on campus until I graduate.
Oh yeah, and then I’m going to have to look for a place to live after I graduate, and hopefully find a better paying job to pay rent and buy food. Luckily, I have worked out the perfect amount of money to spend on food, and the method is quite simple: Buy a case of shitty instant noodles, eat said noodles until I’m out, and then wait until next month for food. And with the remaining money, I’m saving it up so I can not be in as deep of a debt when I graduate. I’ll still be well over twenty thousand in debt, but it’s better than possibly being in debt by thirty thousand.
Anyways, I don’t know how to end this, so I’m just going to put a period at the end of this sentence and call it a day.”
“Dear Diary
Entry two. 19/12/04
So college is actually pretty easy. Yeah the work is more plentiful, but with less classes to focus on, it’s way easier to keep up with everything. Improv practice is going great, since I’m actually having fun coming up with jokes on the spot. I learnt that each joke should have a tie in to make it work better. For instance, I make a joke about horses babysitting dogs, and make reference to drunk teenagers being like dogs without horses. Thank you John Mulaney, I stole that example from you.
Also I got paid today, a good two grand, and all of it is going into savings. At the end of this rate, I will be free from college debt on a wednesday. Don’t know which Wednesday, but it will be a wednesday. Well, all of it would’ve gone into my bank account, but I bought some ramen, and then bought a bag of bell peppers for no reason. On the bright side, slicing said bell peppers helped with stomaching the flavorless ramen, and made for a good snack, but it was still a bit of a waste.
Did I mention that I don’t have any medication for my ADHD? Well, I need a prescription for that, but I don’t have insurance to cover my need for adderall. So impulse buys are going to end up being more and more frequent, like how I just spent money on a Gameboy Color that doesn’t work in hopes that I can fix it, and play this copy of Pokemon Silver even if I didn’t like Pokemon. Then I can use that to keep me from doing college work… I’m going to be in debt until a very, very late wednesday, like a random wednesday when I’m seventy two. And I just went to the thrift store today and bought a iMac with a kicked in screen.
Okay, scratch Wednesday, I’ll get out of debt on a friday. Or not at all, dying with debt is cool.
Daer DiarE.
Entree tree. What day is it?
So I just went to a cooleg party for the first time, and I have nobody to talk to. Nobody wanted to talk to me, so I was just left alone at the snack tabel. It’s really coo that they had some fruit punch lying around, because errr I don’t know, I don’t think the froot punch was actually fruit punch… somebody said it was half vodka or whatever. So with em begin aLone was a good idea, since I was just stress eating. WWWW
I drank the whole bowl of fruit punch.. It was some good shit even if it’s-
Urgh, I don’t know if it’s the same day or not, but I don’t have school or work! Jesus christ my head hurts- I need to see a toilet-“
“I believe I know why Fruit chose his name now,” Celestia giggled.
“I cannot imagine how much alcohol was in that fruit punch if he was that hung over,” Luna laughed.
Dear Diary
Entry three, 01/01/05
Hey look, I got a letter from my Mom telling me that I should go die in a fire. I need more spiked fruit punch.”
Chrysalis raised snarled at reading that. “What good mare would even tell that to their child?” The Queen looked up to Princess Luna and Celestia, who seemed to be equally as shocked at that surprisingly short diary entry, but it was quite telling of why Fruit might not care so much about being stuck in Equus for the rest of his life. Chrysalis paused before noticing a small P.S at the bottom of the page:
“Oh yeah, my Dad told me I’m a failure on Christmas, so that was a wonderful gift.” Chrysalis felt an unyielding desire to find a way to Fruit’s dimension and murder his parents. She let out a snort before reading onward.
“Dear diary
02/01/05
So, I think I had too much to drink last since… actually no, I think I bought weed and smoked it all. You see, I was going to go to improv practice while high, just to see if I got funnier while high off my ass. The main problem with that was as soon as I stepped outside, I found myself falling from a dome shaped ceiling, and landed on top of a person. Actually, would the term ‘person’ fit here? Because I landed on top of a pony that is very capable of speech, and very much capable of recognizing that she exists.
A normal horse wouldn’t be able to even comprehend that it’s alive after all.
Oh wait, that was apparently a princess, pony thing. I’m in jail and my back hurts, mate. Like I got dragged off the pony that I landed on top of and kicked a few times by a bunch of guards, and immediately tossed in a dungeon. Somehow I still have my diary, which is odd since it was in my backpack, which is gone, but I’m not complaining. I have this can of bud light that I impulsively bought and I was saving it for calculus, but I guess I can see how beer and weed affects a guy.
Also I’m a horse with a head penis now.”
Chrysalis began to snicker. “Head penis? Is that what Fruit thought to call a horn? Instead of the most obvious thing?” She looked up from the book to see both of Fruit’s guards snickering while Luna was wheezing into her sister’s shoulder.
“What in Equus sake is this… weed? I want some just to understand what Fruit was thinking when he first arrived!” Celestia snorted as she tried to recover from laughing so hard.
“Dear Diary,
Entry five 01/02/05
So I went back a month and moved forward a day because apparently it’s new years here! Also I am in fact not high, drunk, or hung over so that’s pretty cool. My name went from Mob to Fruit Punch in not even a day. Also the pony I landed on top of sued me and was pretty angry at me(reasonably so) and I got away scott free! I even get to live in a house that’s provided to me by the government, and was given a few books to help me fit in amongst ponies.
I got hit in the face with a book during the trial, which is a bit unlawful, but whatever, it beats being beheaded. Also for some reason, there’s two princesses, possibly a third, but no king or queen. Also cool thing, I’m not in debt, and I won’t have to send a letter to my mom on mother’s day this year. Nor do I gotta worry about asking that cute girl out, so that’s cool.
Also, I will admit, I almost pissed myself when I got dragged out of my cell by the tail.
When will some random Disney princess decides that I should be her steed? Because when that happens, I will kill myself.
Dear Diary
Fuck the date and entry, it’s been a solid three days since I’ve come to exist in this land full of ponies. Honestly, this place isn’t too shabby, even if I wish I could still go to school and finish college before mysteriously disappearing, but whatever. I learnt enough throughout my first two semesters to be happy and capable of doing things.
Also I learnt that Equestria has an army, which made sense, since it was a country. The main issue with this isn’t the fact that it exists, a country needs some sense of security. What was a problem was that I got drafted after catching a random thief that the guard had been struggling to catch. How does an army manage to struggle to catch a guy who barely runs at two miles an hour?
I don’t know, but I think this is actually a fever dream.
So I was told to be trained by several guards, and kicked a captain’s ass. I don’t know any martial arts, how to swing a sword, or anything really. I tripped and stumbled a lot which happened to play in my favor, since I have the most uncanny ability to knock out almost anybody by tripping over myself and becoming a sentient wrecking ball.
By the way, if some alicorn manages to find this diary in the future, don’t ask what a wrecking ball is.
Anyways, this is why I don’t care at the moment, since I can beat up almost any guard member without doing shit. Now, could I be wrong and just be incredibly lucky? Yes. Does it still concern me that an untrained idiot can knock out the finest soldiers in Equestria? Yes. How are we alive? Yes.
Oh yeah, Luna got into sugarcane(ponies snort that stuff right?) or some shit today, since the world went and had a stroke for a few hours. At least I think that’s how the world works since she and her sister are basically god. On a much weirder note, I have met a bug horse, that happens to be the ruler of an entire race? I think so, but she only mentions one ‘Hive’ so I assume there’s more than one.
Anyways, she zapped me with some weird spell which didn’t work. Apparently it was mind control, but joke’s on you, Chryssy, I have a mental illness, not even I know what I’m thinking most of the time. So what is some mind control gonna do? Make me even dumber? Good thing I’m already incredibly stupid! Unless I really have a hankering to do something only my dumbass would find funny, I will not be thinking straight, like calling a changeling queen a bug horse.
Oh, and bonking said queen on the nose when she’s sleeping.
Dear Diary, so I guess this is just a thing now. It’s been a few days since I’ve-“ Chrysalis snapped the diary shut and hid it in her friend’s cutie mark pocket the moment she heard her friend begin to stir.
(Fruit’s POV)
“Urgh… wha?” My eyes drifted over to the can of magically enhanced beer that I brewed, and my head hurts like hell. Man, that was some good shit, but god I shouldn’t have drank it. On the bright side, I think the contingency plan of ‘Pony Want Fuck’ definitely failed since Luna, Celestia, and Chrysalis were staring at me. “Yo… what the hell happened?”
Good thing about magical beer? Hangovers don’t last more than thirty seconds. On the ground around me, I noted that several things that I had in my butt pocket were out. Such as my pipe bomb book, a book on magic, and a couple spell equations were the most important things.
“You guys read my diary, didn’t you?”
“No we didn’t,” Chrysalis said.
“Yes you did, I can tell that you’re lying, Chryssy.”
“What gave that away?”
“You’re still me. Reading my diary while being me sounds like a very Chrysalis thing to do, Chrysalis,” I chuckled. “I really don’t care if you read it, I really don’t. It was gonna happen eventually,” I magicked everything into my butt pocket and whipped out the diary. “You even folded the page you left off on!” I laughed before going to see where they left off.
“Oh, the wedding invitation bit,” I chuckled at that. “It still kinda shocked me about how the whole invasion thing happened on accident.”
“What?” Luna asked.
“Every changeling thought Chrysalis was gonna get her head cut off, so they came to rescue her. Hence the invasion,” I paraphrased the explanation a lot there. Luna’s eye twitched a couple times.
“So which of you had a crush on me?” With that, Luna turned purple and I could see Chrysalis getting a little red underneath her carapace. Well, Chryssy I expected, but I dunno what the fuck Luna saw in me. I’m shit colored and I’m stupid! “Well, let’s just move on from that, that’ll be for a later chapter.”
“What now?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
With that, I sat up, stuffed the diary back in my ass, and trotted out of the train cart, and into the next one. I’m gonna make tea alcoholic and give a cup to everybody who listened to Chrysalis read my journal. Oh, and Chryssy’s gonna get a very, very strong alcohol. Is this a bit petty? Maybe, would it be funny? Yes. Am I going to give some to Scatter? Okay, maybe not, she’s a bit too precious to give poisonous grape juice to.
Can’t wait to see if a drunk Changeling Queen is incredibly smart, or incredibly dumb. Luckily the train cart that I entered looked to be the ‘kitchen’ train cart with a couple ponies running a bar type of thing, and it appeared to have apple flavoured tea. Watch out, horses, you all will know what a nice, strong margarita is like. That’s right, this is the start of my villain arc! I will steal candy from a literal baby and then tell said baby that their mom’s stupid!
Okay, maybe spiking magically enhanced, canned beer with magically enhanced, canned vodka was a bad idea.